Alone again. These words send a chill down your spine. They are afraid of loneliness, they think about it with longing. Is it possible to benefit from a breakup or separation?
Some of my friends and readers now find themselves in this situation after a breakup with a boyfriend, divorce, or other life disasters. They are relearning solo swimming skills. And I myself experienced all this after a serious relationship with a man ended in failure several years ago.
I know from myself that the “brave new world” that has opened up initially evokes fear. But at the same time there is a lot of beautiful and amazing things in it! You belong to yourself, you have the freedom to learn new things and try a variety of types of self-realization.
When I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of years ago, I felt absolutely empty for the first few weeks. And this despite the fact that I ended the relationship on my own initiative.
It seemed to me that there was a desert around me, everything was over, nothing was happening and there was emptiness in my heart. I had to endure this unpleasant state, and then get down to business - rebuild my life, step by step, brick by brick.
And do you know what happened in the end? One morning I woke up and realized that my mental wound ached a little less than before. The next day - even less, and then she stopped hurting altogether. Now, after years, I have fully recovered: I am implementing my plans and projects, communicating with people, participating in exciting adventures that I could not even dream of before.
True, to achieve such a result, I had to turn to a psychologist. But, one way or another, I was healed. And most importantly, I improved my relationship with myself. And I really missed this. I was able to take a new look at what I had previously thought of as “emptiness.” In fact, I freed up space that could be filled with whatever I wanted. And this was just the beginning...
Let me list a few advantages of a self-sufficient life:
- “Alone again” is a time of unlimited possibilities. You are free to do what interests you, what is important to you, what excites and pleases you.
- This is a rare chance to pamper yourself - to spend time on self-improvement, to realize your dreams, goals, aspirations, without asking anyone's permission and without being obligated to anyone.
- Your hands are free, your mind is open, your eyes are open - you can try new things, learn something, laugh, enjoy life.
- In the language of an independent woman, the phrase “single again” rhymes with concepts such as “new chapter in life,” “clean slate,” “fresh start,” “new beginnings.”
As the ancients said, carpe diem - seize the moment! If you are alone, it means you have the courage and intelligence to face the unknown and overcome any difficulties that arise on your own.
Substitution of concepts
First, you need to realize that “lonely” and “being alone” are not the same thing. If in our mentality these words are mixed, even at the phonetic level, then in English there are two different concepts: alone (which can be interpreted as “being alone”) and lonely (which means lonely). Why do these concepts need to be separated? It's simple: you can live alone or feel loneliness while in a relationship. How to figure it out: don’t be poor, give yourself an accurate understanding of what kind of loneliness is typical for you. The victim complex is not the most worthy position.
Read also: Why do women choose to be single?
How can a man get rid of loneliness, situation
Dealing with loneliness is like polishing a diamond in the rough. The reasons often lie in adolescence, when a person has not learned some lessons from fate. Later he will focus on them all the time and avoid such situations. This is how complexes and blocks appear, forming a vicious circle. Every time such a situation arises, a person runs away from it. The ritual will show the reason why this happens.
To find the cause and correct it, to go through these lessons, you need to surrender into the hands of a master, trusting him. Such rehabilitation, relearning to live differently, is a very difficult process both for the person asking for help and for the master. It's almost like being born again.
Stereotypes
If you're worried that being single (that is, without a partner) is wrong, then let's figure out why. First, a stereotype from the Bible: it was not good for Adam to be alone, so God created Eve. And Aristotle, in the Greek tradition, spoke of man as a “social animal,” emphasizing the word “social,” without any intention of comparing people with animals.
What to do: If you feel comfortable outside of a relationship, that’s normal, don’t be ashamed of it.
When you want to care about someone, then the relationship will find you. How to survive loneliness? Endure, turn a minus into a plus. Make loneliness a positive quality. When you are single, you can not depend on anyone, watch movies that you like, cook food that you like. In general, don’t adapt to anyone. Appreciate this opportunity while it lasts.
Is loneliness so scary: what to do with it and when is it useful?
Scientists say that loneliness is as dangerous to health as smoking. Developed countries are already sounding the alarm, and the UK even created a minister for loneliness this year. Is loneliness really dangerous and what benefits can be derived from it, the editors of the Moscow 24 portal tried to figure out.
Photo: depositphotos/Gladkov
The world's first Minister for Loneliness appeared quite recently - in January, at the initiative of Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. The post was created in part as a tribute to the work of Labor leader Jo Cox, who led the Loneliness Commission and was killed in 2021. There are 9 million people in the country who often or constantly feel lonely, and about 200 thousand elderly people have not spoken to friends or relatives for more than a month.
The UK is not alone in these statistics: in Japan there is even a separate term for a lonely, unnoticed death - “kokodushi”. Due to increasing social isolation, more elderly Japanese are dying alone at home every year.
Numerous studies show that loneliness is truly dangerous to health, even more than smoking and obesity. This means that a solitary lifestyle not only affects the psyche, contributing to the appearance of depression, but also directly harms one’s physical condition (statistically, lonely people move less, eat worse, suffer more often from heart disease and generally have lower immunity). At the same time, established social connections can halve the risk of early death. True, all this relates specifically to forced loneliness, isolation from society. But it’s no secret that feelings of loneliness can also occur among those who, at first glance, are surrounded by friends and loved ones.
Photo: depositphotos/magann
According to practicing psychologist Alexander Kuznetsov, if, with forced loneliness, which in the long term threatens the health of people and their lives (for example, in the case of the elderly), or with aurophobia (a psychological disorder characterized by a fear of loneliness), a person is not able to cope with his condition on his own, then in most cases, fear or the very feeling of loneliness that a person living in a big city experiences can be overcome on their own.
First of all, we need to understand the root of the problem - here we most often encounter two cases: in the first, a person has a limited circle of friends or is dissatisfied with them, in the second, a person, on the contrary, is constantly surrounded by friends and acquaintances, and any need for privacy causes him psychological discomfort .
In the first case, the key to solving the problem is to understand your situation, take a sober look at the problem and evaluate its possible consequences. You don’t have acquaintances who can support you in difficult times, you can’t expand your social circle, make friends? Awareness of the problem is already the first step towards change, giving rise to motivation. And the decision comes to a motivated person, as a rule, by itself. You need to overcome your fear of new contacts. Think about the worst thing that could happen to you when you step out of your comfort zone. Is this really worse than the possible consequences of loneliness? Set a specific goal for yourself and take the initiative over your own life. And don’t be upset by failures – they shouldn’t deprive you of motivation. Work on yourself - learn to listen, think positively, make compromises, and not judge. Learn flexibility - all this is achievable at any age. And if that doesn’t work out, you can always contact a psychologist or the Moscow Psychological Assistance Service to the Population, where they will help you completely free of charge. The main thing is not to isolate yourself.
By the way, the Minister for Loneliness is not the only unusual minister in the world. For example, in Bhutan, which according to statistics has 97% of happy people, there is an entire Ministry of Happiness. It is worth noting that in this happy country cigarettes are not sold, TV is hardly watched, animals are not killed and forests are not cut down. India and the United Arab Emirates followed Bhutan's example - they also organized their own ministries of happiness. True, in the ranking of the happiest countries, northern and economically prosperous Norway, Denmark, Iceland, Switzerland and Finland are still in the lead.
Another unusual ministry is the Ministry of Ayurveda, Yoga, Naturopathy, Unani, Siddha and Homeopathy, which appeared in India in 2014 with the aim of promoting national medical practices and yoga.
But Japan has its own “minister of toilets.” True, this is rather a joke position - this is the name of Minister Haruki Arimura, responsible for the empowerment of women. Capable of determining body temperature and weight, as well as taking tests, Japanese toilets are an object of cult and pride in the Land of the Rising Sun, often leaving visiting tourists with more impressions than its entire ancient culture.
The second case has become increasingly common lately. Social networks and online communication develop and nourish the illusion of constant “connection” to a community of many people following each other’s lives and successes. At the same time, they develop in a person an unhealthy dependence on others. Many people begin to feel uncomfortable in their own company and confuse solitude with loneliness.
It is important to understand here: solitude is not a source of sadness, but an opportunity for spiritual development, a chance to be alone with yourself, understand yourself, and establish a dialogue with yourself. People are afraid of loneliness when they are dependent on other people and cannot compensate for their absence with their own internal resources.
The ability to feel self-sufficient in solitude is one of the key qualities of a developed personality. Occasional loneliness is not only normal, but necessary. If a person does not feel comfortable alone with himself, he needs to work on his dependence on the external world and learn to get more satisfaction from the inner world. Reading greatly contributes to this - it helps to develop fantasy and imagination, and reduce the need for constant communication with other people.
“Usually we receive energy from the outside, but we can just as easily draw it from within ourselves. Give yourself time to think, to be alone with yourself in peace and quiet. Learn to observe and notice details, admire nature. Discover your inner world for yourself and get used to it - this way your best friend and interlocutor will always be with you,” adds Kuznetsov.
Another great way to become more self-sufficient is through creativity. Not a single person absorbed in creativity experiences a feeling of loneliness. Find a hobby, learn to switch from the outside world to the inside if necessary, and enjoy internal dialogue - this will help you become not only a more self-sufficient person emotionally, but also open up the outside world from a new side.
By the way, in Russia they can also establish a Ministry of Loneliness. Not long ago, the chairman of the upper house of parliament, Valentina Matvienko, did not rule out such a possibility, Fr.
Individualism
We are not trying to justify loneliness, but we are saying that it is not shameful or sinful to live independently, develop, gain inspiration, communicate with different people and not tie the knot in marriage or love relationships. The modern world is divided into two flanks: the first consists of young ladies who are thinking about how to survive loneliness; the second is ladies who enjoy what they have and take everything from life.
Read also: What does loneliness lead to?
What to do: figure out which wing of women you belong to. And after that, remember that individualism has always been held in high esteem: think about the meaning of life, contemplate, engage in art, do what you like. Have you chosen the side where all this is possible? Or do you need to reconsider your interests?
Shopping
One of the methods that is more suitable for the female half of humanity. Even a small pleasant purchase can bring a festive mood not only to your home, but also to your soul. You can not only go shopping, but also transform your image - for example, at the same time get a manicure or visit a hairdresser.
But even if you don’t have the financial means to spend big, simply walking around the mall can be a cure for loneliness. It allows you to get distracted and get a lot of pleasant sensations.
Drop criticism
There is another great way to survive loneliness: you need to stop criticizing it. Perhaps you can't accept the fact that others are in relationships but you are not. Therefore, you psychologically justify your insecurities by criticizing relationships and the institution of marriage.
Think about it: the ability to be alone and feel whole (so whole that you don't need a soulmate) comes with age and experience. Stop criticizing loneliness, others, and drop your negative attitude towards marriage. Accept everything as it is, and you will become an even deeper person. And after that you will meet a person close to you in spirit.
Causes
The feeling of loneliness never arises out of nowhere. As a rule, it is formed in response to certain factors. If unpleasant events weigh on a person for years, then he is forced to withdraw into himself, become distrustful and withdrawn. So the situation only gets worse, anxiety increases. The reasons may be different, but how we feel affects our outlook. So, why does this oppressive feeling of isolation arise?
Conflicts in the family
When close people largely do not understand each other, quarrels inevitably arise. Tension and misunderstanding accumulate with great force. Conflict can brew in a family for a long time. If some negative factor provokes a strong disagreement, then all the unspoken grievances and comments begin to break out. At such moments, a person is not able to think and reason sensibly. It also becomes difficult to make any responsible decisions regarding changes in fate. The separation of a family creates a particularly strong feeling of uselessness, it is so discouraging that sometimes all desire to act disappears and vitality is lost.
Expressed misunderstanding
The inability to hear and understand what is really happening leaves a person alone with oppressive disappointment. It begins to seem that no one needs you, and no one can share the depth of your experiences with you. Expressed misunderstanding is a cause that becomes impossible to control. It is then that it begins to seem that you are absolutely alone in the whole world, and no one will want to share the depth of your personal experiences.
Constant pressure
If a person demands too much from himself, then as a result he does not succeed anywhere. He spends a lot of energy just trying to live up to someone else's expectations. At the same time, one’s own desires often go unnoticed and unfulfilled. Constant tension contributes to the rapid waste of strength. The result is a feeling of powerlessness, the inability to cope with the most basic task. If there is no support from loved ones, the feeling of one’s own isolation will be constantly present, eroding from within.
Lack of self-realization
A reason that gets little attention. When we fail to implement our plans in practice, we are often overcome by despair. It begins to seem that it is impossible to cope with some obstacles, and only difficulties lie ahead. Lack of self-realization is a serious reason for feeling lonely. Often a person begins to consider himself a failure, unable to cope with everyday difficulties. This painful feeling can haunt you for years, preventing you from feeling happy.
For myself
If you are single now, then the best way to survive loneliness is to take time for yourself with your loved one. If you are lonely, this is not a reason not to love yourself! You need to please yourself, take time for yourself, communicate with friends and lead a fulfilling life.
How to implement this: try starting with shopping. End a hard day with a trip to the cinema. Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers or, better yet, flowers in a pot. Good literature, quality music, delicious dinner - train yourself to receive only the best. Worthy men often “fly” to the best, like butterflies to the light, don’t forget about it.
Read also: Psychologist explained why we often remain lonely
