Jealousy of the past: reasons, how to get rid of it, advice from a psychologist

November 12, 2018
Psychology of relationships
Kira Ifeevskaya

When a person is in a serious love relationship and really values the attention of his chosen one, sooner or later a certain jealousy towards his past begins to appear. The beginning of a relationship takes place in a state of euphoria and a feeling of absolute separation from the rest of the world. But before this global meeting, each of the partners had their own past. Surely there were other serious relationships then that did not develop further for some reason.

Jealousy of what happened before

As the relationship develops, partners begin to get to know each other better, share their past stories, and then pathological jealousy of the past of a loved one begins to appear. This is especially true when he previously had a beautiful romantic story, which was terminated on the initiative of the other party. In this case, there is a high probability that your partner still has tender feelings for the subject of his youthful or girlish passion, which may threaten the well-being of the current relationship. Whether this is true or not is unimportant, but in any case, jealousy of the past is slowly growing and maturing within us. At some point, it becomes too much and negativity is released onto the person you care about. Periodic repetition of such breakdowns is a serious threat to your previously excellent relationship.

In order to protect your love from endless squabbles and poking around in the past, you need to understand how to deal with jealousy of the past.

What exactly bothers you about her past?

Guys often say, “I can’t forgive a girl for her past.” What is hidden behind these words? Here are the most common complaints a man has about his chosen one, which change his attitude:

Many partners. For 4 years you thought that you were her first or second, but then it comes up, first one of her exes, then another. It turns out that you got an experienced wife, but you thought that you taught her everything yourself. You feel like a “deer” and are sure that she is not the one you fell in love with.
Official marriage and the status of a “divorced woman” are stressful for many men. Often the attitude towards this fact is worse than when a girl simply lives with a guy.
Having children, even if a woman hid them with their grandmothers for a long time, is a serious test.
Cheating on her part in past relationships. There is a fear that your wife will betray you.
Relationships of convenience greatly change the opinion of your beloved or even your wife.
She has a criminal past: this turns some people on, but scares others, especially if the girl was charged with serious charges. Don't forget this.

And that's not all. Some guys get to the bottom of the fact that the girl had 40 partners before him, while others cannot forgive that his wife once dated one. Yes, sometimes it’s worth looking at a girl from a slightly different angle after finding out her past, but often the problem is you. If you are satisfied with everything except the fact of what once was, then either there are no feelings, or you are just “freaking out.” Before you forget a girl's past, pay attention to these signals and respond correctly.

The emergence of jealousy

Our past always remains with us, no matter what part of life we go through. When entering into a serious relationship with a person, you should clearly understand that his past is not subject to our adjustment and will remain as it was. Showing jealousy about the past is not only irrational, but also very harmful to new relationships. Constant comparison does not bring any constructiveness into your life. This is an irritating factor for both partners. One cultivates a feeling of guilt for experiencing warm feelings towards his former crush, while the other is furious with jealousy and the inability to snatch pleasant memories from the memory of his loved one. Both do not contribute to the establishment of strong family relationships and have an extremely negative impact on their further development.

Such situations apply equally to both women and men. Despite the status of the stronger sex, guys are no less jealous of women’s past relationships than girls. Jealous lovers return again and again to the humiliating extortion of various intimate details and details of their personal lives with a previous close friend or even a former spouse, although this does not make them feel any better. The one who asks feels mental pain and torment. The one who answers feels guilty about his past, although he does not understand what it is. Both have a hard time with this situation, but they cannot stop it. How to get out of this vicious circle?

Why is it not always possible for a woman to break off contact with her ex?

You can try as much as you like to hide your personal life and not allow your husband to find out about your exes, but sooner or later your previous relationship will become known. It's especially difficult to keep them secret if you're still hanging out with someone from your past.

Many couples break up without scandals and continue to be friends after the end of a romantic relationship. However, psychologists say that friendship that is not preceded by an affair is much more favorable, useful and trusting. It is especially difficult to be emotionally friends with ex-partners if the relationship was not ideal or the separation occurred because one abandoned the other.

The existing relationship with the previous gentleman can be both quite pleasant and painful. You may not want to continue being friends with an ex-fan. Let us give as an example 10 reasons why a woman cannot break off contact with her ex-partner.

General company

You are more likely to maintain friendly relations with your ex if your environment pushes you to do so. However, the question arises: is it worth following their lead? If you personally do not want to maintain friendly relations with your ex-partner, then you do not need to do this for the sake of mutual friends or relatives. You choose when and how to meet with friends and whether to participate in parties where your ex is invited.

It is not at all necessary to be friends, even if you communicate normally when meeting by chance. This can be difficult to get used to, but realize that now this person is just an acquaintance, especially if you don’t really want your husband to find out about your ex. The psychology of relationships is such that you will gradually stop perceiving your ex as a close person, this will remain in the past.

Feelings of guilt won't go away

This happens if you are the one who has expressed a desire to end the relationship. Then an attempt to stop being friends will seem like a completely unforgivable step, almost a betrayal. However, you should not be responsible for the experiences of your ex, and friendship out of pity can only do harm. People want to feel supported when needed, but they really don't like feeling weak. The partner you left behind may still want to feel your presence nearby, but this is precisely what will prevent him from fully arranging his future life.

You don't want to lose sight of him

Yes, this is the psychology of former relationships. It is often painful for a woman to realize that a man is settling his life with another. And even if you don’t want your husband to find out about your ex, you still continue to maintain friendship with your ex-boyfriend. This makes it possible not only to be aware of all his new acquaintances, but also to influence them. However, remember that with such behavior you can prevent a person from improving their personal relationships and living life to the fullest.

You feel loneliness acutely

This is a common occurrence at the end of a relationship. The partner moves away, and a certain emotional emptiness remains, which cannot always be quickly filled. And if you still have friendly relations with your ex, then you would rather want to while away your free evening with him instead of making new acquaintances. This is also one of the common cases in the psychology of former relationships, when a person, left alone, cannot find satisfaction in his personal life and suffers from uncertainty.

Keep in mind that being friends with your ex will only provide a short-term semblance of understanding and comfort. Loneliness will not let you go until you look around and turn to loved ones for help.

You think your ex is better than everyone else

Often, a woman still tries to maintain communication with her ex-partner because she is not completely satisfied with her current relationship. Given this state of affairs, it begins to seem to her that in the previous novel everything was better, more interesting, more pleasant. Believe me, this is only an illusion that arises from internal dissatisfaction, and if you feel bad here and now, try to resolve the issue with your husband, and not seek salvation from your ex. The situation will only worsen with the intervention of an ex-lover if everything is already difficult in the existing relationship.

You can't help but hope that he can become different

Perhaps the reason for the discord between you was the infidelity of your lover or his addiction to alcohol. There is a glimmer of hope in you that the person will correct all his mistakes and everything can get better again. And even under the threat that your husband will find out about your ex, you still maintain friendly relations in the hope of helping the person change. Sometimes such friendly participation really pushes people to change for the better. But more often than not, your ex-partner is simply trying to prove something to you instead of really radically changing his attitude towards both life and you.

The previous partner is your backup option

Indeed, what if you can’t find someone better for yourself, then your ex will do. This is a cynical and unfair approach to building relationships that can harm the woman herself. And if you want something new to appear in your life, then just leave everything old behind and move forward.

Ex-partners don't let you live in peace

You have no desire to remain friends, and you don’t want your husband to find out about your ex, and your ex-lover still can’t forget you. Quite a common situation. It all depends on your firmness in refusal. Explain yourself once and for all, try not to intersect with him in any way again. He will most likely be angry, jealous, perhaps even stalk you. Be careful and keep communication to a minimum.

He continues to love you

If your feelings for your ex-partner are long in the past, and he still loves you, do not keep the person near you just to stroke your pride with confessions of love addressed to you. Don't give false hope to someone who is already having a hard time. Firstly, if the husband finds out about his ex, he may not like it. And secondly, the ex-partner will believe that friendship with you will bring back the old relationship. It is best to stop such communication.

Video on why exes come back into your life:

What questions torment jealous people?

The first step is to figure out why jealousy occurs and how to deal with it? As a rule, jealousy occurs in people who are not confident in their positions and recognize the superiority of others over themselves. They are constantly tormented by unpleasant questions:

how important were the past relationships for the partner, are they more important than the current ones;
which of us does he or she love more?
won't this comparison be in my favor?

These questions indicate that at the moment the most important thing for us is to be the main character in your partner’s life, the most desirable, surpassing in the intensity of feelings all previous love stories. And when a partner does not let us feel this clearly, fears and uncertainty arise in the strength of the ties that bind you. If you are not confident in your irresistibility and importance in your partner’s life, jealousy of the past appears and becomes the cause of your discord.

Partner feeling insecure

Where does the feeling of self-doubt come from? Where all our fears and phobias come from is from childhood. It is very important to instill in a child from an early age a correct and adequate perception of the world, as well as an awareness of his place in it. By constantly repeating to a child that, due to his young age and dependent financial situation, he is not a full member of the family and is forced to accept the point of view of his parents, you develop in him a lack of self-confidence, belittle his importance in the family and society, and provide fertile ground for the development of doubts in your capabilities and talents.

Growing up and entering into love relationships, such children continue to remain nobody and interpret any comparisons not in their favor. Only psychologists can help change this attitude towards oneself, but changing the vector of one’s attitude towards a partner’s past is entirely within one’s capabilities. First of all, you need to decide whether you want to save your relationship. If so, how can you learn to trust your loved one and curb your unfounded claims about his past? The first thing you should understand is that the main reason for your jealousy lies not in your partner and not in his past affection, but in your lack of confidence in your abilities. You do not believe that you have become the one and only for your beloved person, who is not afraid of any competition from other contenders, be it former or future.

How to get rid of pathological jealousy of past relationships?

By trying to find evidence to support your suspicion that your partner's past relationships had some meaning to him, you also lower your self-esteem. In addition, you are introducing a serious imbalance into your still fragile and unsettled relationship. With your persistence, you demonstrate to your chosen one such a bad quality of yours as pathological jealousy. This hitherto unknown trait of your character, instead of tying your loved one more tightly to you, can frighten and push him away.

Really, what happened in the past to make you worry so much about it in the present? After all, today your chosen one is with you, and not with your former passion. This means your qualities won him over. And now it is only in your power to either stop this jealousy for no reason and remain the winner of your rival, or show yourself from a not very good side, appearing before the astonished gaze of a man in love as a brawler and a pathological jealous person. Of course, every woman expects to hear in response that all past hobbies cannot be compared with your beauty, intelligence, thriftiness, grace and other undoubted advantages.

But would you want your ex to talk about you like that? After all, you also had some kind of relationship before, and they were important to you then, and remain a part of your life now. First love always leaves an indelible mark on the heart and no one wants to renounce it. But this does not mean at all that today the subject of your youthful passion is as attractive and desirable for you as it once was. In essence, pathological jealousy is different in that it causes jealousy for something that no longer exists and that exists only in memories. Therefore, you should not assert yourself at the expense of ghostly exes, live better in the present and prove to your loved one your exclusivity and bright individuality, help him to be confident that in your person he made the only right choice.

#4: Fill your life with other experiences and events

Make sure that you physically don’t have time to think about your girlfriend’s past. Be more active in creating the future and solving current problems. Fill your life with emotions and thoughts about other events. There are many examples of what to do instead of continuing to feed jealousy:

Learn something new together. Get general impressions, create situations where the wife will have to show her real self.
Travel: to other countries or around your own city to forget grievances.
Organize a vacation together: a day when it will be just the two of you, and no one will distract you. This will help you listen to your feelings and forget about gossip and other people’s pressure.

The "five no" rule

If you want to save yourself and your partner from jealousy of the past and learn how to learn to trust a person dear to you, you should apply the “five don’ts” rule, well known in relationship psychology:

Do not dramatize the situation by raising your partner’s past love to a non-existent height - if your chosen one is with you today, then it does not have such a serious meaning.
Do not demand that your partner forget the past - firstly, this cannot be done on command, and secondly, he may be painfully wounded by your dictatorial tendencies, which will lead to completely the opposite result.
Don’t try to become like your husband’s ex-passion and copy her style of clothing and behavior - maybe all this did not suit him in his ex? Show your individuality and your personal qualities that are unique to you - this will attract more attention and interest to you.
Never speak badly about your ex, because this is basic disrespect for the taste and choice of your partner; he may not like your impartial statement, and the relationship will crack. In addition, discussing a person in his absence has always been considered bad form and was perceived by others accordingly.
Don’t dwell on past relationships - focus on the present, create a cozy home atmosphere for a man, where he is loved and expected, reassured, where affection and fresh delicious food, respect and understanding await him - and he would never exchange such a family for any feminine charms.

#5: Don’t provoke thoughts about her past in order to forget faster

Pay attention at what point you begin to worry and overthink yourself. If this happens during your separation, create conditions so that the two of you have fun together and spend more time usefully, and not just because of your jealousy. If you suspect her of commercialism, try not to give large gifts for a while, not to pay the bill for her in a cafe, citing financial difficulties. Just minimize situations that remind you of unpleasant moments in order to forget faster.

Psychologists' opinion

Such a concept as jealousy has been well studied in psychology for a long time. In order to fight it, you need to change the consciousness of the jealous person, otherwise no logical calculations will have an effect on him. Any manifestation of jealousy only leads to aggravation of the situation and brings the end of any relationship closer. Before you start fighting jealousy, determine your priorities - what do you want from life: to convict your other half of infidelity and attraction to past feelings, or to be sure that you are his beloved and only woman on earth? The first is a destructive path, the second is a creative one. If your current relationship is important to you, then stop returning to the past and build your strong peace in the present - as any qualified psychologist will tell you. How to stop being jealous and become confident in your exceptional position in the heart of your loved one?

In order to be confident in your superiority over other women, become truly interesting to a man, enrich your life with knowledge, impressions, communication with interesting people, travel and gain impressions, have varied hobbies, but do not forget about periodically holding romantic dinners together by candlelight or about quiet evening gatherings at home, when partners can touch souls and better understand each other. The more vibrant and emotionally rich your life together is, the less time you will have to dig into the past. And the need for this will disappear when you see how important the current relationship is for both of you. Whatever happened in the past, the present is wonderful and completely suits both partners.

What to do if your husband finds out about your ex?

Jealousy. What does feeling mean in psychology?

There is an opinion that if a person is jealous, it means he loves. But jealousy in psychology always has destructive consequences. For this feeling is not controlled by reason and does not hear the arguments of reason. And the reason for this is lack of trust in your partner. After all, if you suspect him of infidelity and are jealous of a non-existent romance, then you don’t feel trust in him in the present. When you completely trust your partner and don’t even think that he can exchange you for someone else, then he won’t have such needs. And in order to learn to trust your other half in matters of love and marriage, you must first assure yourself of your own competitiveness, even with young and spectacular rivals. Believe in yourself, and others will be convinced of your exclusivity and attractiveness.

All these psychological calculations are equally valid for representatives of both sexes. Very often, a man becomes jealous of his wife’s past; the advice of a psychologist will come in handy in this case too.

Is this normal and what are the consequences of such jealousy?

The saying “He is jealous means he loves” is actually wrong. Constant suspicions only provoke betrayal. A violent feeling of jealousy requires self-control and suppression, otherwise it will lead to irreparable consequences. For example:

quarrels, scandals - destructive behavior leads to misunderstandings, quarrels, deterioration of the microclimate in family relationships;
mutual reproaches - constant accusations towards the spouse will provoke a defensive reaction, expressed in retaliatory attacks;
loss of respect - demonstrating self-doubt and low self-esteem will sooner or later lead to your wife no longer respecting you;
betrayal - constant suspicions of betrayal can push her, if not to betrayal, then to thoughts about it;
breakup of a marriage - a growing feeling and complete distrust will lead to the fact that the relationship will be put on pause or completely destroyed.

Are you jealous of your spouse and her old friends?
Not really

Examples from life

In order to provide ourselves with the right guidelines within which to show interest in our partner’s past, let’s consider some real-life examples:

The wife is very actively interested in her husband’s past life, but this does not upset or irritate him, because her interest is dictated solely by the opportunity to better understand her husband, and not by competing with her former degree of importance for the man. According to the family psychotherapist, this will help her come closer to understanding her partner and appreciate his individual qualities.
Sometimes this interest becomes too active and intrusive, especially in men who are not very confident in their masculinity. For example, an older husband is afraid of appearing to his younger partner as an untenable lover and thus tries to find out how things were with her previous partner. The psychotherapist believes that although there is jealousy of the past here, it is more constructive in nature, since it helps to gain an understanding of a woman’s sexual experience and her preferences in carnal love.
If a wife, talking about her husband’s jealousy, mentions that they have been married for 20 years, but in her younger years she lived for several years away from her husband, working abroad under a contract, then his somewhat passive jealousy of the years that have passed without him even flatters the woman, not at all without humiliating her. The husband thus confirms her feminine attractiveness to other men, and this opinion of his extends to the present time.

These examples do not become a destructive force in relationships, but help spouses become closer and closer.

Why do men want to know about their exes?

First of all, you need to understand why men strive to find out in detail about their wife’s intimate relationships before marriage.

To avoid making unpleasant discoveries later

The train of thought is this: you meet a nice girl, she is gentle and modest, even timid. And later you learn about her such stormy adventures that you would at least sink into the ground in shame. It’s better to scout everything out right away, and the sooner the better.

Many people argue like this: it’s better for me to find out everything myself than for someone to whisper to me later. That is, a man asks his wife about her former boyfriends just to be in the know.

A romance that hasn't ended yet

This happens too. The girl broke up with her boyfriend, but still loves him. Starts dating someone else only to somehow get the previous partner out of his head. She still hopes that the former gentleman will come to his senses, understand that he has always loved only her, and the relationship will resume. And in order not to feel too sad at this time, she starts a new romance, which means nothing to her. However, she will not refuse to get married, just so as not to be alone. In such a situation, of course, it is better for the man to find out about his ex (or ex) and not allow the deceiver to lead him by the nose.

It often turns out that the relationship is not completely completed and people are still attached to each other. It rarely happens that a woman has no past connections at all. And here the husband will have a lot of questions: how often does the wife see the previous gentleman, do they intersect at work or meet when the ex wants to see their common child (not an uncommon situation), etc. The husband's anxiety is understandable.

The best of the best

Many men expect a similar characteristic from their passion, which is why they ask about their exes. This also happens (perhaps due to male insecurity). The husband found out about his ex, and after that he wants the woman to put a “quality mark” on him, assuring him that he is better than all the previous ones both in bed and in everyday life. Few men voice this line of thinking in conversations with psychologists. But women think about it. They really want to feel better than all their spouse’s previous passions and it is against the background of others that they feel their own worth. In addition, each man has his own ideas about morality. For example, some people will not date a girl who has had more than one boyfriend before him.

What if there are three of us?

It's hard to believe, but some men have such fantasies. They ask about your ex, and then imagine what it would be like for you all in bed together.

At least I wouldn't die of curiosity!

The idea that curiosity is only a feminine quality is an absolute myth. Men also love to learn all sorts of “stories” and ask clarifying questions. If you come across just such a person, get ready to retell your whole life to him in detail. He will inquire not out of harm, but out of curiosity.

Advice from psychologists

But what to do when past love stories become the subject of a showdown and a tool for manipulating a partner? If you have become a victim of a person suffering from unmotivated jealousy of your past, psychologists offer the following advice:

Learn to defend the boundaries of your memories, do not let your partner endlessly delve into your past in order to look for mistakes and evidence of your past love. Show that his claims are not accepted, and you have the right to your own past, which you will treat as you want, not him.
Never prove anything or convince your partner of your current loyalty - he won’t believe you anyway. Present him with the fact that your past, like his, will have to be perceived as it was, and not make your own assumptions.
Don’t devalue your past history to please your current partner, even if you don’t have any vivid memories of him, your past concerns only you.
Whatever your partner’s motivation for wanting to know about your past, if you don’t want to touch on this topic, then immediately explain it to him.
Work seriously on your self-esteem, get away from addiction, determine your own guidelines and values that can exist regardless of whether you have a partner and what his views on life are.
Convince your partner that responsibility for the development of your relationship lies with both members of the couple. And your common happy future will depend on how respectful you are of each other’s past.

#1: Think about the future

The more you delve into the past, the worse your present is. You need to look forward and not try to change what you can no longer influence. Here are a few techniques to help you shift your mind from thinking about the past:

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Remember 5 positive moments in your relationship.
Talk through your feelings.
Use affirmations, self-hypnosis through repetition of positive attitudes, such as “I am not jealous”, “Her past should not concern me.”