Remember your childhood
Unfortunately, a vulnerable person is far from being a hothouse flower, unprepared for society, as many people think. Most often, such people are not accustomed to careful treatment and have experienced many difficult events in the past.
Think about what happened in your childhood? Have you encountered condemnation, rejection, neglect? Have you ever felt lonely or helpless around your loved ones?
If yes, then your psyche is still in that time. Therefore, you perceive all the people who come your way with caution. You think that they will offend you just like in childhood.
To get rid of this, you need to let go of grievances against your parents or other loved ones who forced you to go through such problems. Feel inside yourself that little girl who lacked the approval and attention of her family. Imagine hugging your child version and telling her that she is very good, that no one would dare to hurt her. Give yourself what you expect from other people.
Of course, if you find it difficult to cope on your own, it is better to consult a psychologist.
Working through childhood traumas will help you feel more calm about jokes in your direction. You will stop hearing reproaches and complaints where there are none, and look for hidden meaning in the words of your interlocutor. Healing from old traumas will protect your psyche.
Now we will discuss techniques that do not require long-term work with a psychologist and the inner world.
What is hypersensitivity
hypersensitivity
is different from the sensitivity that occurs in other conditions—for example, in people with PTSD, other mental disorders, or during age-related crises. It is a feature of the nervous system (not a disorder) that is present from birth, is permanent, and affects all areas of a person's life.
Most often, hypersensitivity first appears during school: such children are more thoughtful, slower and observe for a long time before acting - and never vice versa. Impulsiveness is not their nature.
In 1997, psychologist Elaine Aron developed a questionnaire to determine sensitivity, but she herself noted that this was not enough for an accurate diagnosis. Therefore, the DOES method later appeared, including the following criteria:
D (depth of processing)
— depth of information processing;
O (overstimulation)
- hyperstimulation, easy achievement of overexcitation;
E (emotional intensity)
— intensity of emotional reactions, including expressed empathy;
S (sensory sensitivity)
- sensory sensitivity, sensitivity to the nuances of the environment, including subtle ones.
In her book Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron argues that all four factors must be present in a person from childhood, from birth - and cannot be the result of mental illness or trauma (sexual, physical, emotional abuse). They must manifest themselves throughout life (although at some time they may be expressed to a greater extent, and at other times to a lesser extent) - only then can hypersensitivity of the nervous system be diagnosed.
If you do not have all these features and they are not congenital, then the matter is not in the specifics of your nervous system, but in something else. This is important: this is how you can distinguish high sensitivity from birth from manifestations of psychological problems or symptoms of mental disorders.
Avoid traumatic situations
Vulnerability in adulthood is a persistent feature of the psyche. It is almost impossible to eradicate it, but it is possible to weaken it so that it does not cause such severe discomfort. To do this, use the avoidance technique.
If you are invited to a birthday party where there will be an unpleasant person who disturbs your inner peace, try to refuse the invitation. Congratulate the birthday person over the phone or come separately when there are no other guests.
My example: there was a case when some woman responded to my joke on social networks, quite clearly hinting at my low intelligence. This really hurt me, and I spent the whole day going over possible responses to her comment in my head. But then she said to herself: “Stop!” and simply ignored her comment. Because if I got into an argument, I could be faced with new, ruder answers. I didn’t make excuses to her so as not to make things worse, but avoided a traumatic situation.
Analyze in which cases your vulnerability causes the most discomfort, and try to avoid them. For example, you should not go to an event where your ex-husband will be with his new chosen one.
Such measures are needed for a while until you achieve high self-esteem and stop paying attention to others.
Impressionability: good or bad
Impressionability is closely related to vulnerability, excitability, and emotionality. Some expressions of impressionability look cute, for example, when a girl cries over a movie or when she squeals with delight at a surprise from a young man. Some people are even attracted to it; they call it spontaneity, unpredictability, surprise.
But there are situations (they occur more often) when impressionability plays a cruel joke on its owner and his environment. Conflicts, hysteria, public “speaking” are a small part of what impressionability can turn into. The husband was late at work for half an hour or did not answer the call, and the wife is already in tears and writing an application for divorce. Or the child accidentally broke a vase, and the mother, not understanding the essence of the matter, became emotional, and beat the child.
So is impressionability good or bad? As always, the truth is in the middle: good in moderation. It is pleasant and interesting to communicate with emotional, lively people, but as long as it does not go to extremes. Due to excessive sensitivity, the person himself suffers. He is angry at his reactions, at his inability to control himself. His loved ones suffer because every time they communicate with an impressionable type, it’s like they’re walking through a minefield.
Do mirroring and transferring
If you are nevertheless faced with a situation that is unpleasant for you and you feel how deeply the words of another person hurt you inside, turn on your imagination. Imagine that there is a huge dome around you. You can paint it your favorite color. This dome reflects everything bad that is said to you and returns it to the other person.
In addition to the dome, you can imagine that the interlocutor is speaking not to you, but to someone else, for example, to the woman from the next apartment. Imagine that she is standing in your place and listening to all this.
It is also useful to imagine that you are a mirror, and the interlocutor is talking to himself. When I worked in an office, I used this technique during a conversation with my boss.
Find a way out for the emotions sitting inside
A vulnerable person accumulates many feelings in his soul: resentment, anger, irritation. This is harmful to the body and is fraught with psychosomatic problems. To avoid this, you need to be able to discharge, that is, throw out emotions.
Usually, vulnerability forces us to replay the phrase spoken to us thousands of times in our heads, to analyze the person’s views and behavior. Switch your thoughts to stop this process and emotions stop accumulating.
Anything that relaxes you is suitable for this: sauna, massage, beauty treatments, cleaning, etc. Sports, yoga and jogging also help a lot.
But you need to learn to express your anger in a gentle way. Pillow beating and other aggressive techniques will not suit you. It’s better to talk through your emotions with a loved one, write them out, and get active.
Rationalize the situation
When you feel that another person has hurt you, use logical thinking. Because behind the resentment and unpleasant emotions, we forget to rationalize the situation. Look at it from the outside: did this person really do or say something bad to you? Is he worth your offense or is it just a misunderstanding? If it is your partner or relative, then ask directly what he meant. Let him clarify his attitude towards you so that you can soberly assess what happened and not beat yourself up.
In the case of people you don’t know well, use this psychological technique: take pity on the person, and don’t be offended. Perhaps he said something wrong or chose a rude intonation not because you are bad, but because he has a lot of problems in his personal life. It may well be that he himself is deeply vulnerable, and now he is simply defending himself.
Don’t think that others are deliberately trying to offend or hook you. They have their own reasons for this behavior, and you have absolutely nothing to do with it.
Quit social networks
Nowadays it is very easy to find loser friends.
VKontakte publics are filled with pictures like “My self-esteem” - and the picture has an empty white background, like you have no self-esteem. Or public pages where boys whine about how girls leave them in the friend zone.
In short, social media provides opportunities for losers to get together and collectively whine about their lives; about how weak, wretched, stupid, low-grade they are, without a sex life, money, health and balls.
When I was a teenager, there were no such groups.
I thought I was the only one. That I'm the only one who has problems in life. When I realized that everything was bad for me, I didn’t have a thousand other people at hand from whom I would hear: “It’s normal, we’re all like that!”
Group psychology is a dangerous thing that does not reveal all its pitfalls at first glance.
Why do you think people become drug addicts? Because an evil uncle approached them on the street and ordered them to take drugs at gunpoint? No.
It happens differently. A person gets friends and attention for whom taking drugs is normal.
If he told anyone outside his social group about drugs, they would not understand him.
But inside, in this cozy circle of friends, everything is fine.
The exact same thing happens to you when you see losers on social media.
You look at them, become close to them (even if you don't directly discuss it with anyone and just watch memes about depression and worthlessness), and it becomes normal for you to be a loser, depressed and whining about your life.
I didn’t have such groups and I thank my life for it. I had a gaping hole in my soul, but instead of accepting it like these whining losers, I filled it. I won the fight against emptiness.
If at 16 I had been shown such public pages, I would have shed a tear and said: “There are so many unhappy people around me! I'm not alone... whine-whine..."
I would watch memes every day about how lost and directionless my life is, and I would feel at ease.
And I would have remained who I am. A stupid, whining and strange teenager afraid of his shadow.
I hope you understand the danger of “like funny memes.” Listen even more carefully.
STOP ASSOCIATING YOURSELF WITH THE WEAK AND STUPID.
UNSUBSCRIBE THE FUCK FROM ALL THESE PUBLICS AND STOP BEING A DEGENERAT.
Read books, study in your free time, work, train, but don’t sit in the company of these scum discussing their worthless lives.
When you see a bunch of losers, run from them like the bubonic plague. They infect you with their despondency, laziness and stupidity.
It’s better to be strong alone than to be one of those people who says, “I’ve been friendzoned again. I'm depressed again. Again, I don’t know what to do with my life...”
Do not listen to them.
Be one strong and smart one from a bunch of stupid and weak ones.
Develop self-confidence
Vulnerability arises from internal insecurity and complexes. We are touched by the words of other people because through them we perceive ourselves. For example, if a guy doesn’t compliment my new look, I, as a vulnerable person, begin to doubt my appearance.
To some extent, vulnerability is dependence on other people's opinions. If we are praised, our psyche feels good. If they say something unpleasant, she feels hurt.
What you can do to help yourself here and now:
- realize and accept your strengths and weaknesses;
- playing sports is good for health, helps to distract ourselves, makes us more beautiful and stronger;
- finding a hobby you like is a panacea for obsessive thoughts and worries;
- develop in your profession - the higher your skills, the more confident you become, at least in the field of work.
In relationships, try to assert your boundaries. For example, I ask my partner not to give me advice or say certain phrases that offend me, so as not to feel weak and defenseless. Don't allow anyone to raise their voice or speak rudely to you. Without a constant irritant nearby, it will be easier for you to become self-confident. In the future, you will not be so sensitive to the behavior of others towards you.
Why a person is offended: signs of strong offense
Main reasons:
- Makes too high demands on people, which they do not meet. Such offended people have poorly developed empathy, they do not try to put themselves in the place of another person, to understand what motives he follows and what he experiences. His interlocutor simply has no right to make a mistake, so it is perceived as a disaster.
- Is in the state of a child or a victim, feels weak, does not see ways to influence the situation. This is a very convenient model of behavior, which involves completely abdicating responsibility and shifting the blame onto someone else. Admitting your mistake is much more difficult than blaming your neighbor for everything.
- It happens that a person has been rejected so often that he has forgotten how to ask for help or talk about his desires, although they do not disappear anywhere, but turn into silent expectations. Such people try to cope with everything on their own, but on a subconscious level they expect someone to take the initiative and provide them with support. To voice the fact that they need help means to demonstrate their own weakness and lack of independence. Quiet, unspoken demands and reproaches turn into unreasonable resentment: what to do with it is not easy to figure out.
Touchiness is a dangerous trait. It is always associated with certain illusions that arise in our heads: our feelings are not taken into account, they do not think about us, they treat us cruelly. We tend to think for others based on our own experience.
When we meet a person and begin to build a relationship with him, we create in our imagination an amazing picture of a future together. Girls expect flowers, romance and attention, and in response they hear: “In my opinion, this is nonsense and a stupid waste of money.” How so? Doesn't he really want to make me happy?!
A few more rules
It is important for you to change your thinking a little to make it easier to communicate with your environment. Remember these useful points, you can even write them down and save them, re-reading them from time to time. This will help you get out of endless thoughts about how others treat you.
- Remember that you will not become less smart, beautiful, good just because the other person does not recognize it or does not notice it.
- Remind yourself in vulnerable moments of situations where you did well. They responded wittily to a joke, performed well at a meeting, turned some guy's head. Don't look for approval from others - give it to yourself.
- Understand that you are not the center of the universe of those around you. Everyone lives their own life. They treat you a certain way because of their personal problems, not your “flaws.”
- Think only about yourself, become a little selfish. Make yourself happy, pamper yourself, do what you want, and don’t expect it from other people.
- Stop escalating a situation that hurts you. For example, if the guy you like shows his disinterest, don't look for the reason in yourself. Don't think you did anything wrong for this guy to tell his friends or family about you. As soon as you start thinking about it, immediately stop yourself and switch your attention.
Imagine that it is not you who are in an unpleasant situation, but your friend or relative. How would you support him if he were in your place? Do this for yourself, as for a loved one.
How to explain your hypersensitivity to others
In Russia, very few people know about the existence of high sensitivity sensory processing. Many such people were told in childhood that they were simply weak, although this is not true: sensitivity does not negate strength and masculinity. But we continue to live with a feeling of weakness throughout our lives, which affects self-esteem and self-confidence.
The more people who know and understand hypersensitivity, the less we will face global misunderstanding and rejection. Of course, not all people can perceive information about your sensitivity with interest or understanding: for some it will seem impossible and stupid, for others it will not matter at all. But your loved ones may want to understand you better.
Here are five facts worth sharing with others:
- High sensitivity means that your nervous system is more receptive to any stimuli: not only do you notice more, your nervous system processes information longer and more deeply.
- Your high sensitivity is genetic. This is a feature of your body, and not a fantasy “in your head.”
- "Sensitive" doesn't necessarily mean "emotionally sensitive" (although sometimes it is). Emotions are only one of the components; it is better to place the main emphasis on sensory sensitivity.
- Too much or too long exposure to continuous stimuli affects you negatively. Your brain is under high cognitive load as it processes every detail around it. Everyone gets tired from overstimulation, but it happens faster for you.
- High sensitivity offers many benefits. For example, you may be creative, empathetic, and able to understand others, so people usually turn to you for comfort and advice.
Taboo for vulnerable people
There are things you shouldn't do because they only make your feelings worse.
Never mentally respond to hurtful words. And generally don’t think about a situation in which you felt awkward. By doing this, you strengthen negative experiences in your mind and earn fears.
Don't try to take revenge on someone who made you worry. Firstly, that person did not necessarily wish you harm; you could have thought of the problem yourself. Secondly, if you turn into an aggressor in order to repay the offender, you will feel guilty afterwards. Highly sensitive people like you have a very difficult time dealing with conflicts and arguments.
But most importantly, don't try to conform to someone else in order to gain their approval. Change only for your own sake. If you catch an ambiguous look on yourself, do not try to find what is wrong with your appearance or behavior and change them.
Start listening to aggressive music
Music can change consciousness.
I've been listening to rap for the last 10 years and didn't understand how people listen to bands like Slipknot or Rammstein.
Recently I realized that this is very cool music.
Now every day, with red eyes, I lift the barbell and do push-ups to Slipknot, not Mobb Deep.
Aggressive, upbeat songs take the weaker out of you and make you a tougher person. Especially if you combine them with the hard training that you have to do if you've read this far and decided to do something with your life.
Bottom line, friend, just stop being a bitch.
See you later.
Vlad Makeev.
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