A person strives to possess many things, in childhood these are toys, and in adulthood they are more serious toys. In the modern world, people have begun to forget that a person is not a thing and are also trying to possess others like themselves, which leads to disastrous results. A person is initially born with the desire to be free, to be himself. Therefore, the more effort you make to completely take possession of the object of your love, the deeper the gap between you will widen.
Owner woman
Who is the owner in a relationship? To understand the type of such a person, you need to familiarize yourself with his main characteristics. Let's look at them using the example of a female owner:
- The pronouns “I” and “you” are practically absent in the owner’s vocabulary. She tends to say “we”, “us”, etc.
- She is used to controlling your every action; she tends to monitor your movements. You've probably noticed that a woman often controls your calls and messages. If you are not near her, then she starts calling you and asking about your location, as well as what you are doing and when you will arrive home. Moreover, such natures tend to ask your friends and mutual acquaintances about everything connected with you.
- The owner believes that you should devote all your free time exclusively to her.
- He considers all the women around him to be his rivals. She tends to be constantly jealous. A work colleague, a cashier in a store or a childhood friend - it makes no difference to her.
- She tries to change your life by making various adjustments. Moreover, she explains this by saying that it will be better for you. She may feel like you're not eating or dressing properly. Such a woman will easily buy several things for you to her taste for your money.
- If the partners break up, the woman still continues to monitor the changes in the life of her former partner. She might even keep an eye on him. Most often, owners are interested in information about their ex-man from mutual friends or acquaintances.
A story from my practice
The man was pathologically jealous of the woman, forbade her to leave the house without calling him, wiretapped her phone numerous times, filtered all contacts, told her what to do, etc. Until some time, this suited her; it seemed like a fun game (from her cruel parents, the girl moved in with this man in her youth). However, the girl grew, developed, and one day realized that she wanted more freedom, that she felt unfulfilled.
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The chosen one was jealous of all her acquaintances and even of her hobbies and studies. He clearly did not want his “pet,” whom he had once taken into good hands, to become a person. However, neither he nor she wanted to break off the relationship. So they came to the conclusion that they needed to work on themselves.
During the work, it became obvious that the young man’s behavior was rooted in childhood. He constantly lacked the attention and affection of his parents, he was often criticized and compared. He was especially jealous of his older brother. This is how his desire to completely possess someone’s love, attention and affection was formed. That is, the problem is not in the relationship with this girl, but in the relationship with the parents, you need to break the dependence with them.
We used individual psychotherapy sessions and conducted joint exercises. Attention was focused on working through childhood trauma and returning the man to himself: revealing his potential, looking for his abilities, interests and hobbies. The relationship with the girl improved on its own.
Why is this happening?
We have looked at what the owner means in a relationship. Why does a woman become the owner in a relationship? Most often, representatives of the fair sex who are unsure of themselves encounter this behavior. Such women try to occupy the maximum personal space of their chosen one. They are trying to become the boss in their relationship.
Most often, girls of this type try to protect their man from all third-party attacks by completely controlling his life and actions.
Often a feeling of ownership arises due to the lack of affection from the chosen one. A girl lacks attention, care and love, then she unconsciously turns into a “predator” and a jealous person.
Everything is resolved quite simply. A woman should talk to her man as openly as possible. You need to talk about your experiences. This must be done gently and in a calm voice.
Where is the love?
This is why the opinion is so popular that next to possessive feelings there is no place for love. Although, my personal observations of different couples and families confirm the fact that feelings of love and possessiveness can be joint emotional lines
.
How harmful their interweaving will be depends on the individual characteristics of the partners, as well as the degree to which their destructive tendencies manifest themselves. Mild jealousy
can add spice to an established relationship and add variety. In fact, only a few can boast of healthy relationships; we are all, to some extent, owners.
Signs of a man who is an owner
Most often, young people of this type tend to regularly call their chosen one. A possessive guy in a relationship may demonstrate to his beloved the need to communicate with her every hour. During the conversation, he is interested in her location and plans for the near future or day.
People of this type tend to often focus on little things. Of course, male care is pleasant for absolutely every girl, but only when it manifests itself within reason. It’s unlikely that anyone would like to report their movements and actions every hour.
Owners often play the role of a “spy”. They tend to monitor and check to make sure the words of their chosen one are true. Moreover, they are not averse to finding out as much information as possible about their beloved’s past life.
Fear of uncertainty
Since such a woman is insecure, she is insecure about her appearance and need for other people. And if previous men brought bad experiences, then this sense of self is consolidated and becomes permanent.
Fear of the uncertainty of the future and hostility of the environment gives rise to the need for control
. Imagine that you are on the battlefield. Agree that you will simply be forced to look with all your eyes, check every minute what is happening around you, what your allies and enemies are doing, what they are saying on the radio and in every possible way try to minimize any emerging threat to you.
Hence, all the habits of the owner, which are not necessary, but can manifest themselves in the process of a relationship:
- checking phone, mail, pockets
- calls with questions “where are you”, “what are you doing”, “why is it taking so long
- Zealous surveillance of every step and glance of a loved one
- resentment if a beloved man wants to spend not with his woman, but with friends
- constant attempts to find out what he thinks and feels, a manic need to get into a person’s head and soul
Right to control a person
We looked at the question of who is the owner in a relationship. A man or woman who prefers to watch every step of their spouse risks sooner or later being left alone. It is important to understand that all possible restrictions cause only anger. It is enough to show aggression a couple of times to lead to a quick break in the relationship.
A woman is most often unhappy if she is in a relationship with a type that is completely characterized as a possessive man. Psychology in relation to the chosen one can sometimes be scary. The owner needs to understand himself. It is important to understand that no one has the right to control the life of another person. If you can’t do this, then you should imagine your life without your beloved. Then you need to analyze the situation and try to give up the feeling of total control over your partner. This is the only way to enjoy each other.
What is possessiveness?
A sense of possessiveness is a state in which a person wants to control the life of someone he values from all sides. Most often this occurs between romantic partners, but it is also possible between friends. The owner tries to control the entire life of his partner, to be with him all the time, to receive all the attention and care. At first glance, it seems that this is a common manifestation of the fear of losing a loved one. In reality, this is a manifestation of selfishness and self-doubt.
Trying to control your partner’s desires and thoughts means destroying all the good things that connected you. Everyone has their own point of view, which may not coincide with the opinions of others. No one can be anyone's property. A person has his own personal boundaries and protects them.
How to stop being possessive in a relationship?
First try to forget about the past. Of course, each of us has negative experiences that prevent us from trusting our partner as much as possible. So many people have been lied to or cheated on. Don't let the past destroy your present. Remember that your partner deserves a fresh start with you.
Women tend to feel insincerity on the part of their lover. They often conduct interrogations. There is no need to put your doubts, fears and worries on your chosen one. Believe that he truly loves you, because he chose you out of most women.
Remember that feelings of jealousy can destroy even the strongest relationships. It makes a person feel insignificant. Try not to forget that you must have self-esteem. Don't let jealousy ruin everything positive in your relationship. Trust your partner!
Reasons for appearance
The basis for this feeling in both women and men is the anxiety of rejection. They are afraid of being rejected, afraid of loss and loneliness. It is important to understand that accomplished individuals do not tell others what to do. Another person cannot be controlled; he controls his own life. The feeling of possessiveness does not arise out of nowhere; it is always a consequence of something: childhood traumas and insults, the influence of an equally toxic partner.
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Investments in life
Most people face the question of who is the owner in a relationship. In such a situation, you need to understand what you really love and what you would like to do. As soon as you start devoting maximum time to what you love, all unnecessary thoughts will fade into the background.
It is very important to understand that two loving people are not one, as is commonly believed. You can be completely different people in temperament, behavior and hobbies. Respect each other's interests.
His arguments
- Where are you?!
- Is this friend of yours (mom, visit to the hairdresser, new dress in your favorite boutique, etc.) more important to you than me?
- Why without me?
- And I'm bored without you...
- I’ll just accompany you (meet you, sit next to you, wait, call you every 15 minutes...
). - I'm the head of the family, right? Well, why don't you listen to me?
- You are like a little girl - you always have incomprehensible whims...
- Why did you get married - hang out in cafes with your girlfriends?!
- Either me or them!
Realize your worth
We figured out who the owner is in a relationship. As mentioned earlier, very often their partners are controlled by chosen ones who are insecure. This is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. Try to understand your value, regardless of the attitude of people around you. Remember that you are a strong person, capable of building a better life for yourself. If your negative assumptions and guesses about your partner come true, then life does not end there. You have the power to make the world around you brighter and more colorful! Therefore, you should not waste precious time on total control over the life of another person, even if you love him madly.
Of course, to some extent we are all owners in relationships. But it is important to remember that a healthy relationship is only possible if both partners understand the degree of freedom that they need. When this understanding is absent, then one will try to “pull the leash towards himself,” and the second will inevitably begin to “suffocate” from this pressure.
Consequences
Possessiveness is reflected in scenes of jealousy, constant quarrels and prohibitions. Both partners suffer, one from constant fear of rejection and jealousy, the other from control. Sometimes jealousy takes severe forms: the owner accuses the partner of cheating, forces him to admit it, intimidates and insults him, and can lock him up at home and take away his phone.
Another option is also possible: the owner himself chooses with whom the partner communicates, forms his social circle, and on certain days allows him to go spend time with friends. He controls all areas of life.
All options lead to the fact that the owner lives in constant tension and fear, and the victim lives as if in a cage. There is no opportunity to develop as a person, to form a social circle, there is no strength to climb the career ladder. The owner wants the partner to live in his world, and with every attempt to resist this, he manipulates, insults and is offended.
