Codependency - how to stop being a victim and start taking care of yourself?

In this article we will tell you:

1. Concept of self-flagellation
2. The main reasons for self-flagellation
3. 3 degrees of self-flagellation
4. Signs of self-flagellation
5. 7 tips for solving the problem of self-blame
6. An effective technique for breaking the habit of self-flagellation

Almost certainly everyone at least once in their life was struck by the thought: “But I’m engaged in self-flagellation!” But for many it develops into a habit and becomes almost a way of life. Such people often do not even realize the very fact of unhealthy self-criticism, confusing it with constructive criticism carried out by an inner voice.

This doesn't lead to anything good. Self-flagellation is a very destructive phenomenon, which ultimately affects a person’s emotional and even physical health. In fact, this is a real disease. And like any other ailment, it must be treated.

What can codependency be?

Classic codependency is when one person directs all efforts for the benefit of another person.
At the same time, he acts to the detriment of his needs and desires. If a drug addict or alcoholic appears in a family, the rest of the household adapts to his behavior and begins to live by caring for the “poor drowning man.” At the same time, they forget about themselves, which gradually leads to disastrous consequences. Ignoring personal needs is fraught with low self-esteem and the development of psycho-emotional diseases.

Codependency can be of two types:

• codependent relationships between husband and wife, friends (not relatives);
• codependent relationships between relatives (children and parents).

Seek outside help

You are not a therapist and you don't have to be one. Your task is to show concern for your friend and be there for him. Most likely, for the desire to live to return, you will need professional help.

Suggest seeing a therapist

If a person has depression, regular communication with a therapist to discuss suicidal thoughts and their triggers can prevent a suicide attempt. This is especially important for those who have attempted suicide before. These people have an increased risk of reattempting, and psychotherapy reduces Cognitive Therapy for the Prevention of Suicide Attempts. it is almost 50%.

Call an ambulance or support hotline

If a friend continues to talk about suicide and even hints that he will commit suicide in the near future, do not try to cope alone. He needs qualified medical assistance. Call an ambulance, according to the law, Article 29 of the Federal Law of the Russian Federation, a person can be hospitalized if he is going to harm himself.

If there is no immediate threat to life, but the desire to commit suicide still persists, call one of the psychological help hotlines. They can help both those who are thinking about suicide and their loved ones.

Enlist the support of others close to you

Love and care can help a person look at his life differently. Moreover, if people from your inner circle know what words and sentiments to pay attention to, they will not miss alarm bells. Naturally, talk only to those you completely trust and who can really help.

Don't forget to take care of yourself too

Helping someone else cope with such a serious problem is very difficult. This causes stress for loved ones and takes a lot of energy. Therefore, monitor your own emotional and physical state. Don't keep everything to yourself, discuss your feelings with people you trust. This will help you get through the situation easier.

Symptoms of codependency

The most obvious symptoms of codependency are:

• An obsessive desire to control the lives of others. The codependent devotes himself entirely to the dependent. He tries to control every step and sincerely worries about any actions of the addict. Attempts are being made to influence not only behavior, but also the impression made by a particular family on others. The more severe the condition of the dependent and the worse the situation in the family, the more actively the codependent tries to correct it. He will blackmail, beg and persuade the addict, agreeing to any conditions to achieve his goals. At the same time, the codependent will regularly emphasize the dependent’s helplessness, his inability to make decisions and actions. Often, attempts at universal control lead to depression and attacks of sudden uncontrollable anger in the codependent.
• Low self-esteem. Codependents are always dissatisfied with themselves, their family, and the state of affairs. They try their best to make a positive impression on others. And when they fail to do this, they become very upset, become depressed, and take all the blame upon themselves. Families created by such people inherit pathological behavior. In the absence of praise and support from others, codependent individuals can become nervous and intolerant.
• Denial of attachment pathology and downplaying problems. Codependents can prove to the best of their ability the addict’s “normality” and the absence of obvious personal problems. This behavior is driven by fear of judgment and loneliness.
• Dominance of template attitudes. Codependents are sure that “relatives need to be helped”, “love endures everything”, “there is heaven in the hut with your dear one”, “you cannot abandon a friend in trouble.” It is these beliefs that motivate them to take pathological care of the addict.
• Denial of social responsibility. All negative actions of codependents are attributed to the “addict’s illness.” The relationship turns into a “victim and sadist” format - the codependent shows love and care, and the dependent allows himself to “pranks” in the form of drinking, using chemicals, violence, and insults. At the same time, codependents evaluate their behavior positively, calling it the ability to love a person with all the shortcomings.
• Problems with self-expression. It is difficult for a codependent to express his opinion, emotions, experiences. Such a person cannot firmly say “I don’t like this.” He doesn't have his own point of view.

How to stop a self-destructive program

Self-destruction program We are talking about my adult children who have their own families. No one can even admit the assumption that I and my personal life have actually been indifferent to them for a long time. (except for one daughter). Do you understand?! I can’t bear the idea that my children might not love me, but this is so. I don’t know the reason for this attitude towards me. Apparently one day they realized that their mother (me) was imperfect, and this came as a shock to them. Perhaps at some point I did not satisfy some of their needs. I probably created some kind of deep resentment, which then grew into hatred. I wanted to confess to someone, so I am writing. You have the right to know, to give me some advice, perhaps... Yes, two of my children are “unloving” and even internally “destroying me” children. It is for this reason that I am trying to break such a painful connection. All three live in different countries. I live alternately with each of them, since I don’t have my own place to live. I once gave up everything to them. I have nowhere to go. I have become unnecessary. They make it clear to me that I must leave soon. I don’t fight, I agree, I don’t want disturb anyone. About 5 years ago I had the phrase in my mind “I want to save my children from myself”... The truth is that we are not talking about suicide. I am looking for possible ways to meet men in order to start living my own life, However, I cannot meet such a person. I once wrote on this site about a strange relationship with one of the men. This story continues. I am trapped. I see that we will never be together (!). I am constantly depressed because of him. As for children, now I live on my son’s property (I was the mistress here for 20 years) and this is all still painful. I'm afraid of him. I am afraid to express my opinion on any matter so that he does not “explode.” When I arrive, some kind of cruelty and anger awakens in him. Then, when I leave, I cry a lot because he despises me so much. I feel shame for myself and for him. I’m ashamed to write to you about this. This is incredibly difficult, but I am trying to protect myself by putting distance in the relationship. Separating myself by moving away without talking to him is difficult, but it turned out that it is vital for me, because I irritate him, and for me this is unbearably painful. Outwardly everything is fine with us - I try to communicate correctly, not react internally, and not take anything too seriously. He and my eldest daughter maintain a “good” relationship with me, although not particularly close. While I’m away from them, they write I receive friendly letters. Only with the middle daughter do we have endless, selfless and bright love between mother and daughter. The very thoughts: “I am a bad mother,” “I am in the way,” “I must rid them of myself,” are destructive for me. Therefore, I am ready to “burn all bridges.” It would be easier to go your own way. When a relationship is too painful, then distance in it becomes vital.

I dream of finding spiritual protection... and I admit that I cannot find it. I am trying to sort out my life and learn to agree with what is. That is, to live with it... I tried to completely “disconnect” from the two of them, moving in with my middle daughter. During my (initially quite rare) visits, we maintain some kind of formal connection... This is my hard-won indifference. Our interaction is similar to superficial friendship. Changing the style of relationships with unloving children makes them less painful. This happens if the soul manages to survive this long-standing alienation and lack of warmth and love. My pain has dulled over time...

Indeed, it is difficult to understand the reason. Apparently, they cannot forgive me for the fact that I am a loser, have nothing (no house, no car, no bank account, and even a man)... All my attempts to deserve something positive from them, are not successful. This attitude of his cannot be understood, it can only be accepted as a fact, distanced in all respects, survived and moved on. I wanted to eradicate all my pain, I tried not to get hung up, I forgave everyone, meditating, reciting forgiveness meditation, but now I understand that I should have forgiven myself a long time ago. I know that I want to stay in my house, where I have lived for many years. Now, in connection with the operation that I had on June 12, I, “as a patient,” live here unhindered. My son is forced to “tolerate” my presence. However, I feel that I have to leave sooner or later, since I am disturbing him .I feel rejected. He wants to be free and this desire reaches the point of hating me. In fact, I am a stranger to him. We have communication as neighbors, nothing more... (“Hello!” and “Goodbye!”). However, my love for him remains, no matter what. For me, he remains my child. And I also want to give him everything I have, despite the fact that he does not need it. When I have recovered, it’s time for me to “fly from this strange nest to another strange nest.” Many expectations and hopes still remain in my soul. I have not yet decided or figured out many of them. I live in anticipation of changes, innovations. I hope on the results of any new meetings here, where all my friends are. I also love my work (I’m an artist) and I’m still trying to realize myself by making a new picture. One way or another, I’m in search of my foothold. When I leave foreign country where my middle daughter lives, then I get out to freedom(!). I often ask myself this question: “Do I want to live out my life in comfortable boredom and the madness of idleness?” This is exactly the kind of life I have there... We and daughter we live a life devoid of any content and meaning. Everything that surrounds us is a show, just the appearance of well-being and wealth. Our lives are the life of indoor plants. All our activities do not serve us. They do not satisfy us. We are not interested in living . .I confess to you because I am seeking understanding. I don’t want to leave so much that now I have acquired a new disease(!). BUT!!! I was not looking for the path of illness (!), but as if the Higher powers, having heard my pleas to stay in my hometown, “took care” by providing the opportunity to settle in an anti-tuberculosis dispensary... Yes, now I now have an excuse to stay... But I’m not happy.

Causes of codependency

Codependency usually develops in people who grew up in antisocial families. Since childhood, they have seen an example of behavior that they imitate in adulthood. Surely in such families one of the relatives faced addiction, and the other one pleased him. Most often, the alcohol dependent was the father, and the sufferer was the mother. At the same time, the child was forbidden to express his own feelings: he was constantly pulled back, told what was right and wrong, and was forbidden to cry and laugh in certain family situations.

Sometimes a completely healthy person who grew up in a completely normal family becomes codependent. Codependency develops due to marriage with an addict. If such an alliance persists for a long time, symptoms of codependency gradually appear even in a person without an initial predisposition.

Social institutions play a critical role in the formation of codependency. Society imposes the following on us:

• a woman must endure;
• women have no right to vote;
• the man is the head of the family;
• the family must be preserved for the sake of the children;
• There are no perfect relationships.

Elements of codependency can be seen in any social sphere. For example, subordinates are dependent on their superiors, believers are dependent on the church, students are dependent on their educator or teacher.

Even after breaking up a toxic relationship, a codependent retains his usual pattern of behavior and practices it in new relationships. The only way to break out of the vicious circle is to recognize the problem and fight it, which is often impossible without the intervention of a specialized specialist (psychiatrist, psychotherapist, psychologist).

Definition of concept and types

What is self-destruction? This is a state when destructive thoughts negatively affect the perception of the world. During self-destruction, negative thoughts, emotions or actions can threaten a person’s life and mental health.

Aggression is not always evil. Aggression is inherent in nature. It serves to throw out negativity. In the animal world, aggression is always directed at someone, but in the human world, the most terrible aggression is directed inside one’s own consciousness. This is where the desire for self-destruction comes from

There are 5 main types of self-destruction:

1. Control over everyone. People who are convinced that they know the only right solution and way out of any situation. They strive to control everyone, although in reality they are dependent on others.
2. Please everyone around you. This is the only way a person feels his importance in society, the only way he understands that he can be useful. It is difficult for him to understand what he himself wants.
3. Endless torment. The “ideal” program of self-destruction in a person. He is convinced that life is pain. If there are no problems, they urgently need to be created, and then look for a way out. Only this model of behavior is acceptable; in complete calm, discomfort sets in.
4. Workaholics. Work comes first, and a lot of work is even better. These people feel irritated towards people who are having fun and are not busy dealing with work issues from morning until late at night.
5. Perfectionists. They take on only those tasks in which they are confident. They do not forgive themselves for mistakes and mistakes, so they may seem lazy, because they can handle only small tasks. They get annoyed if someone is not as perfectionist as they are.

There are also tap dancers. People with a large circle of acquaintances, but a small range of responsibility. They are afraid of serious relationships.

Consequences of codependency

Codependency can develop into a number of psychological and physical problems. Long-term suppression of one's own desires eventually leads to complexes and distortion of self-esteem. The codependent develops depression, which leads to:

• various psychosomatic disorders;
• lack of appetite;
• suicidal tendencies;
• complete self-destruction.

Codependents are susceptible to various mental disorders. These could be phobias, fears, depersonalization, obsessive-compulsive disorder. Codependents often develop VSD, neuroses, nervous asthma, and physical exhaustion. Left unaddressed, codependency is fraught not only with psycho-emotional problems, but also with deteriorating health. Against this background, extremely serious pathologies can appear: heart failure, hypertension, ulcerative processes in the gastrointestinal tract.

How to stop being codependent?

Codependency is usually a family disease. Therefore, both the addict and the victim must undergo treatment. It is better when treatment is carried out in parallel. To get rid of codependency, various psychotherapeutic techniques are used:

• group and personal sessions with a psychologist;
• educational lectures;
• learning ways to deal with stress;
• reading books and watching videos with successful healing stories;
• conversations with those who have recovered to share experiences;
• keeping diaries and filling out questionnaires;
• lifestyle changes;
• behavior correction.

Treatment should be carried out in a hospital setting. Only in this way can the codependent be fully controlled and, if necessary, therapy can be adjusted in a timely manner.

Codependents in hospital do not have the time or opportunity to continue toxic relationships. This is an important condition for successful rehabilitation. A person literally learns to live in a new way, without the main irritant - the object of addiction.

In addition to psychotherapy, codependency can be easily treated with physical therapy. The patient needs to change their lifestyle, adjust their sleep and wakefulness patterns, and switch to a healthy diet. You should also exercise, walk more in the fresh air and increase your activity.

The Resident-ReNa rehabilitation center has everything you need for a comfortable stay and full treatment of various types of addiction. Professionals with extensive experience who love and value their patients work here. An individual recovery program is selected for each person, depending on the indications, needs and severity of the pathological condition.

How to change your attitude towards yourself?

To change your attitude towards yourself and give up self-flagellation, try five simple practices.

• Being kind to yourself is just as important as being kind to other people. Don't say to yourself what you wouldn't say to your loved ones for fear of offending them.
• Appreciate your achievements - observe and notice the harsh comments that you make about yourself. Every night, make a list of five things you can praise yourself for.
• See your mistakes as learning opportunities - you can't go a long way without making mistakes, without ever taking a wrong turn. Every mistake opens up new opportunities and horizons for us.
• Be tolerant of yourself - the habit of noticing your every mistake has been formed over the years and you cannot get rid of it without effort. Initiating positive self-talk isn't easy, but it needs to be done every day. And the main thing is not to judge yourself for mistakes and calmly change for the better.
• Don't compare yourself to others - there will always be someone better and comparing yourself to those who are more successful guarantees losing. In life, each of us plays so many roles that each of them simply cannot be the best. You are not perfect, just accept that fact and focus on becoming the best version of yourself, not someone else.

Prevention of mutual dependence

Prevention of codependency should begin in early childhood. The main method of prevention is proper child upbringing. Parents should take care of developing adequate self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-confidence. You cannot forbid a child to openly show emotions, express feelings and desires.

If a dependent person appears in the family, the willingness to resist the pathological attraction should be put in the foreground, and not sympathy and pity. This is the only way to overcome addiction without becoming codependent and save your family.

If addiction and codependency appear, contact the Resident-ReNa rehabilitation center. Trust the professionals! Don't be ashamed of psychological problems! Take care of your future and the emotional health of your children!