The man argued that he had no unresolved problems, although he was terribly nervous when this was mentioned. He claimed to control stress, but it was clear that he could not manage anger. He swore that he didn’t care about any difficulties, but if that were so, he wouldn’t be sitting in the psychologist’s office now. In fact, Max's reality was so distorted that he completely lost the ability to introspect.
After several sessions, it became clear that Max did not want to part with the role of the victim. Why does this happen? The fact is that being in this state is in some sense convenient. No self-criticism or responsibility, no need to be ashamed of your weaknesses and control your actions. But you can remain helpless and change nothing. Even when Max managed to move forward, he always found obstacles. During the sessions, he produced eleven beliefs that confirmed that his thinking was indeed captured by the image of the victim.
Comparisons
“You haven’t experienced anything like this, I’m much worse.” Max constantly compared his own coaching experience with the experience of his psychologist. Of course, his assumptions about her personal life and professional skills were, to put it mildly, inaccurate. Instead of objecting, she noted that these comparisons betrayed his insecurity and need for self-affirmation.
Unfortunately, Max chose the victim mentality and stopped fighting back. Victimization stops from the moment of awareness. Then comes the acceptance of responsibility, the willingness to account for one’s actions and, ultimately, the desire to change everything that can be changed. Just like the Serenity Prayer: “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This is exactly what we should strive for.
Don't be a victim. Answers from Mikhail Labkovsky
Photo: Varvara Lozenko
How to recognize the victim in yourself and others
Victim psychology is a certain behavioral stereotype developed under the influence of fear. Fear can become entrenched as a result of psychological trauma from any situation experienced in childhood; it is not necessarily a consequence of parental upbringing.
How does the victim behave? Let’s say that if a girl walks alone in a quiet courtyard at night and is afraid and hears steps behind her that are clearly not women’s, then she begins to turn around and speed up her pace. Our “animal mind,” often, regardless of our upbringing, perceives such a gesture as a signal to “catch up with me.” When you are asked to sit down and you respond, “Thank you, I’ll stand,” you are behaving like a victim. When a woman lives with a boyfriend who not only does not intend to get married, but is not even eager to take her to the cinema, and only comes at night, and she does not like it, but she tolerates it - she is a victim. For this reason, he does not want to marry her. When you are yelled at at work, and you have a loan, three small children and an unemployed wife, so you remain silent, clinging to work with all your might, you behave like a victim. The victim’s behavior consists of unconscious, practically uncontrollable little things that provoke the opponent to aggression.
Photo: Varvara Lozenko
If you delve into the childhood of a person with the psychology of a victim, then, most likely, it will turn out that they did not take him into account, did not pay attention to his merits and achievements, but pointed at his shortcomings. In addition to fear, a person with a victim mentality feels resentment and humiliation. Sometimes this leads to the fact that he can behave quite harshly with weaker people: he needs to get even on someone, to get satisfaction. The main problem of the victim is that she lives without enjoying life: she has a survivalist philosophy, she constantly thinks about how not to run into problems. But when a person thinks about possible problems, he “attracts” them to himself. At school, they usually pester those children whose insecurity is revealed by their gestures and posture; they walk hunched over, with their toes inward, and clutch their briefcase to themselves. Another distinctive feature of a victim is that she often tries to please everyone, never refuses anyone, and does a lot to her own detriment.
I will tell you one scene in which the victims recognize themselves. You are a young, healthy man, and you are traveling on the subway. You are very tired, it’s a long drive, and you want to sit. You sit down, but a grandmother stands in front of you and literally starts poking you in the face with her bag. After a while you give way to her. “Why am I the victim in this case? - you object. “I might want to give up my seat to her, because I’m decent and that’s how I was brought up - to give way to the elderly.” If you really want to give in to your grandmother, then you are not a victim, I won’t even argue. The victim is the one who doesn’t want to give in because he’s tired, but eventually got up. The first thing that woke up in you was a feeling of guilt for the fact that you are sitting and she is standing. Secondly, being dependent on the opinions of other people, you begin to look at yourself through the eyes of these people traveling with you, and think: “What a bastard, I, young, am sitting, and a poor woman is dying right before our eyes.” You feel shame. And so you give way to her. How could it have been done differently? - you ask. That's how. The old lady is unlikely to be deaf and mute, and if she needs to sit down, she will say: “Make room for me.” But the old woman does not ask, she is proud and believes that they themselves should give in to her. However, no one owes anyone anything. Therefore, she should have asked - after asking, few people refuse. But if, without waiting for this, you yourself run ahead of the locomotive and, even being mortally tired, fly out of your place like a traffic jam, catching the eye of a disgruntled old woman, then you are a victim, that’s a fact.
Photo: Varvara Lozenko
How to communicate with the victim
— How to behave with a person who is clearly a victim in order to help him?
- You need to behave the way you want. There is no need to help him. If you start doing something to the detriment of yourself, then you have the same problem as him. It is worth accepting a person as he is. Don't criticize. You can support him. It is worth remembering that people are animals. They often provoke behavior towards them in a certain way. You've probably heard the story about the tiger Amur and the goat Timur: the goat, who was thrown into the tiger's enclosure as live food, was not used to being afraid of anyone and calmly went to meet the predator, and then took over his house. That is, he behaved like a leader. And the tiger did not touch him for several days. Victim's vocabulary: “Oh, I'm sorry, please, I won't bother you? Is it okay, will you be comfortable? Am I not taking up a lot of space? It is these constant apologies from victims that encourage people to behave aggressively towards them.
Photo: Varvara Lozenko
How not to raise a child to be a victim
— How to behave with a child if you notice signs of victim behavior in him? For example, does he apologize too much and is embarrassed to take the last candy from the table? How to explain that there is polite behavior, and there are excesses?
— The line between polite behavior and victim behavior is easy to detect: the second begins when a person does something against his will. For example, when a child wants the last candy but refuses, this is bad. If a child has normal self-esteem and considers himself good, he sees nothing wrong with taking candy. He considers himself right. It is important to be right for yourself, and not in comparison with the norm of social behavior to evaluate other people. Parents do not have to indulge him at the table; they can correct his behavior, say that no more sweets today or that he could share this candy - this is normal. The main thing, again, is that the child does not run ahead of the locomotive and does not give up in advance what he wants. This is the psychology of the victim, and you must explain this to him. Once I was visiting a relative from Canada, there were three children at the table, and there was just the last candy left. The father of the family, without a twinge of conscience, took it and said the golden words: “They will eat theirs, we will die first.”
You can’t scare children with a policeman who will take them away and other nonsense. There is no need to pull them back in the spirit of “oh, what have you done, because of this such horror can happen!” You should always take their side, even when they are wrong. But the most important and most difficult thing is not to be a victim yourself. Children transmit the fears of adults, so if you do not want your child to become a victim, behave confidently around him. Imagine what the children of people who complain constantly see and hear. After all, they listen to telephone conversations, see how parents communicate with other people in public places, and believe that this is how it should be.
My daughter once wanted to go to Disneyland, I promised her, and we went. There I saw a huge, scary “roller coaster”, on which the carriage hangs in a loop for several seconds and passengers find themselves upside down. I looked at him and thought: “Why did I even come...”, then I decided that we should definitely take a ride since we came, because if my daughter understands that dad is afraid of something, she will also begin to be afraid.
Don't let fear take hold of you. If you are involved in an accident, be sure to get behind the wheel as soon as you can and go to the scene of the accident. Was there an emergency landing of the plane? Immediately take a new ticket and fly. In Israel, when a bus is blown up again, after a while a huge crowd of people gathers at the bus stop - they all want to ride the bus again to overcome panic.
Photo: Varvara Lozenko
— My daughter is 14 years old. I was probably too categorical with her, and I see the traits of a victim in her, she lacks self-confidence. But I raised her the same way my mother raised me. When I asked my mother to evaluate my work, she said that I could do better, and I notice the same thing in myself. Is there anything that can be fixed now?
- You behaved as best you could. You make mistakes in communicating with children not because you didn’t go to my lectures before giving birth, but because you are such a person and you have such a psychology. And your mother is also not to blame for her parenting style.
As for this “you could do better” - keep in mind: a parent criticizes a child, a husband, a wife, and so on for only one reason: when we belittle the successes of our neighbor, we strive to raise our self-esteem. When we say “you can do better,” we position ourselves as if we definitely can do better.
The problem is not how to behave with a child, but how to change your psychology so as not to behave like that anymore. This is a separate complex topic. Everyone wants a quick recipe, but there is none. Getting rid of your neuroses, your insecurities, ambitions and complexes that force you to tell your child that he can do better is not so easy. We must strive for a state of unconditional love, that is, one when you love your child regardless of his success at school, what he is like and how he behaves. So that the child is not attached to your grade, so that there is no situation in which if he gets a D, he is bad and you don’t seem to love him, but if he gets an A, then everything is fine. Because this addiction is reinforced and leads to problems in adulthood. You can be happy or worried about his grades and tell your child about it, but grades should not be the measure of your relationship. In general, take care of yourself first, break the behavioral stereotype that your mother developed in you as a child.
Photo: Varvara Lozenko
What to do if you are a victim
— Since early childhood, I have had a difficult relationship with my parents, and although now communication with them is reduced to a minimum, when interacting with them I immediately begin to behave like a victim. That is, I try to do whatever it takes to be good. I also experience similar behavior when communicating with other people. How to get rid of this?
— The most important thing is to solve the problem with the parents. Once you do this, it will be much easier to correct communication with others. First, you must outgrow your parents. Because while you communicate with them the way a child communicates with an adult, you carry children’s stereotypes with you and react to your mother’s call as if you were five years old and the events were taking place in the senior group of kindergarten. No matter how much time passes, these stereotypes will persist. And if you meet a man who evokes “childish” emotions in you, he will also evoke childish behavior in you. The same will happen with colleagues and superiors at work. In order for your parents to begin to take you into account and perceive you as an adult, you must begin to communicate with them as an adult - with older people, and not as a child with his mother and grandmother. It is not simple. We need to force them to communicate on their own terms: “I love you, but I won’t talk to you about this and that.”
— When I try to control my behavior and not “slide” into a victim, I notice that I can’t control it for a long time. What should I do?
“It’s useless to control, because a person has two hemispheres, and they don’t function together: you either worry or think. Victim behavior is behavior brought to the point of automaticity. An example from school: when a rabbit sees a boa constrictor, it has a muscle spasm, it becomes numb, and the boa constrictor eats it. This happens because the rabbit's ancestors passed on the brain's response to the shape of a snake. If someone at that moment could stick a needle into the rabbit’s leg, it would freeze and run, but there’s no one in the forest. Likewise, no one can stick a needle into a person when he begins to behave like a victim, so he practices a childish behavioral stereotype from beginning to end. Trying to control it means trying to rationally solve emotional problems.
There are several rules that help overcome the victim mentality: try to do only what you want, don't do what you don't want, and you should speak up immediately if you don't like something. Because victims never speak right away, they really like to cherish this feeling of resentment inside in order to explode in a year. If you start following at least the first rule, your behavior will already begin to change. But for this you will have to stop thinking, for example, about what people will think, whether you will lose loved ones if you start doing what you want, but this is your life and it’s up to you to decide.
Photo: Varvara Lozenko
— If a person was raised as a child as a “model” victim, what can help him? Psychotherapy, auto-training, pills?
— You can try to help yourself on your own, if it doesn’t work out, then you should consult a psychotherapist. I am skeptical about auto-training, because, as you know, no matter how much you say “halva”, it doesn’t make your mouth any sweeter. Tablets should be used only when psychosomatic symptoms appear: hand tremors, sweating, skin flushing, arrhythmia, tachycardia, hypertension, gastritis, pancreatitis and other problems with the pancreas and stomach, irritable bowel syndrome, hormonal changes, problems with neurotransmitters, etc. Further. In such cases, when your behavior is already pathological, that is, it begins to interfere with the functioning of internal organs, you should go to a psychiatrist for pills.
While the problems are only at the behavioral level, you can train yourself to overcome your fear. For example, at one time I accustomed myself to walking through dark courtyards at night. My daughter served in the Israeli army, and one time they had an encounter with a woman who had gone through the camps. She began to tell them about gas stoves, and suddenly the soldiers who were listening to this interrupted her and began to say: “Why did you behave like sheep - they slaughtered you, and you yourself fell into the ravine? You dug your own graves, undressed yourself and went into these gas chambers - why are you telling us all this?” To be honest, I was taken aback, because I am a Soviet person, this topic is sacred to me, and I did not understand how one could enter into an argument with such a woman. But Israeli youth, unlike this European Jew from Germany, have a different psychology: they do not know fear. They said that if this had happened to them, they would certainly have taken two or three fascists with them on the way to the gas chambers, because even with your bare hands you can kill several people before you yourself are killed. These people have a completely different psychology than those who meekly went to their death. When you live and are not afraid, you free up a lot of emotional resources, because the victim spends 90% of his emotions guessing whether to expect an attack by a potential executioner, and trying to figure out how to avoid possible problems. Many people not only have their will paralyzed, they don’t even have the thought that something can be fixed.
Photo: Varvara Lozenko
— What should those in whom the victim psychology is expressed through authoritarian, aggressive behavior do? I was born in a small Siberian town, where everyone fought, even girls, and I was always afraid of being beaten. My childhood passed, and I began to notice that during business negotiations, God forbid, anyone gets into an argument with me - I immediately have a desire to bite and crush my opponent. I worry that I have many chances to marry a henpecked man or raise a henpecked child.
“Many people take a defensive position, worrying in advance that they will be humiliated. In Russia, in principle, that’s why people don’t smile on the streets: everyone is accustomed to aggression from childhood and, just in case, they make a “brick face” so that no one bothers them. Although people experienced in street fights, on the contrary, believe that such a facial expression is a sign of weakness, self-confident people behave relaxed and very calm. People who are aggressive in advance also try to control everyone. To get rid of this, you need to again get rid of fear, learn to let go of the situation and not speak unless asked. It’s hard to remain silent during the same negotiations until they give you the floor, but as a result they will let you go. Try, as athletes say, to miss a blow to which you may not respond. The more you can skip, the longer you pause, the more confident you will be in answering. We yell at our children out of fear that they will stop obeying, and we yell at them at work because until you grab all your subordinates by the throat, they won’t start working, right? People who are not afraid of anything, do not try to build anyone up, know that the situation is under control, and if something does not go according to plan, they will be able to deal with it.
Photo: Varvara Lozenko
Sacrifice and family relationships
— A man only raises his hand against a woman if she behaves like a victim?
- Not necessary. But if the woman is not a victim, this will be her last experience with this man.
- Over the past few years, I have been meeting the same type of men who tell me the same thing - about how their wife nags them, how hard it is at work and how she eats up their time, how everyone around them offends them, but, Having met me, they realized that this was fate, now their problems would be solved and I would save them. Moreover, such a man can be quite successful, look good, and his name in society can be significant. What's the catch here?
- Many boys had a cruel authoritarian, or cold authoritarian, or controlling mother. Growing up, men are drawn to women who remind them of their mother - this does not mean that you are like that, but men definitely read something in you. Such men suffer because they need a “hard female hand,” but the women they like need a partner with whom they can be weak, this does not happen, and it is unnerving. The only way to protect yourself from a relationship with an unsuitable partner is to disappear after the first alarming phrase like “I feel so bad...”.
— My husband tells me that I have the behavior of a victim: I am constantly trying to get attention and get care. Am I a victim?
- If you constantly complain, then your husband is absolutely right. This method of communication also aggravates the situation. Some neurotics have a big problem: for them, love is combined with a feeling of self-pity. Let's say a little girl loves her dad, and he behaves aggressively, always comes home drunk, but she still loves him and at the same time is afraid. She feels sorry for herself because her beloved dad communicates with her like that, and this self-pity for her is love. When such a child grows up, he builds relationships with other people in such a way that as a result of their behavior he can feel offended and complain - and complaints are the essence of the relationship with his husband.
— You say you need to do only what you want, so as not to be a victim. But how then can you not turn your family into a sports school in which everyone is fighting for the last piece of candy? Where is the line between generosity and conformism and the moment when you begin to give in to another, not because he has the right to protect his interests, but because you have begun to behave like a victim?
- Maybe I’m a maximalist, but I’m in favor of you doing this based on your own needs. For example, there is one candy, and I adore my wife so much that I really want her to eat it - in this situation there is simply no line beyond which victim behavior begins. Either you want her to eat it, and you give in to her, or you just got married unsuccessfully. Another example: there is a mountain of unwashed dishes at home, you both return from work tired. You can agree in advance about who will wash the dishes, or you can love your husband so much that your hands will reach out to these dishes. Of course, no one wants to wash the dishes - I want my husband not to wash them. You will say that this does not happen. It happens if your family is an equal relationship between two adults. Another thing is that the victim is very rarely in such a relationship, because she will look for her “soul mate.” In fact, when a person is self-sufficient, he understands that independence is also happiness, only without love. When both partners feel absolutely complete, they don’t need anything from each other, and they understand that they just have a good life with each other. Then the dishes are washed together. But when a person has psychological problems, the relationship with the spouse is skewed.
Photo: Varvara Lozenko
— A man has a wife and children, but he is not very comfortable in marriage, and has relationships on the side. But he doesn't leave because of the children. Is the decision to stay a fulfillment of a father's duty or a gesture of sacrifice? If you act as “not a victim,” that is, only as you want, then won’t all families fall apart?
- This rule - to live as you want - applies to any area of life. I feel sorry for my wife, I feel sorry for my children - people with neuroses always try to rationalize their ideological choice and come up with explanations for themselves. The tragedy is that children live in a family in which mom and dad do not hug or kiss, and the situation in the house is tense. This situation is humiliating for everyone: for a man who stays in the family only out of an ephemeral sense of duty, for a woman living with a man who does not love her. So psychological trauma awaits children in any case. It’s not for me to decide for you, but after a divorce, the condition of the children may be different. They may feel relieved, because their parents are no longer spouses, but just mom and dad, and now they have nothing to share.
“I have a beloved woman, and during the time that we have been together, we have accumulated a certain number of claims against each other and a feeling of mutual fatigue. I don’t know whether I should break up with her or stay, because I really love her very much. How can I solve this problem by removing the fear of losing a loved one from the equation and understanding what I really want?
- You need to strictly follow the following scheme for three months: do not have sex (with others - please, with each other - no), do not discuss relationships - neither past, nor present, nor future - and do not discuss each other. Everything else can be done: go on vacation together, go to the cinema, take a walk, and so on. A period of three months is given so that you can feel whether you are better off together or apart. So you can tell your girlfriend that you went to a psychologist and he gave you a prescription that can solve the problem. If we talk about your situation in more detail, then your psychological instability is obvious. You are structured psychologically in such a way that, as Lenin wrote, you take one step forward and two steps back. Therefore, in order to get rid of problems in relationships globally and forever, you need to attend to the issue of your mental stability.
Rapunzel
A girl with very long hair lives in a high tower (almost 18 years old) and is waiting for someone to save her. I don’t understand what prevented the girl from tying her own braid to a hook on the wall (and it was there!) and going down (like climbers going down a rope)?
The child’s conclusions after reading the fairy tale: solving problems on your own is difficult or even impossible. You have to sit in a tower and wait 16-18 years until someone jumps up and evacuates you from dangerous territory.
Forecast
The position of the victim is one of the most comfortable, because there is always a “good reason” for one’s own mistakes. Therefore, it is often difficult for a patient to part with this “title”.
It is possible to help a person with the syndrome. If you consult a psychotherapist in a timely manner and follow all his recommendations, the patient can return to a normal, healthy life. But quite often this also requires the help of friends, family, and loved ones. They must stop sympathizing and assenting to the patient's pitiful speeches. Instead, during the conversation, you should ask direct questions that will help the person evaluate all his actions and thoughts adequately. Only in this case will the eternal victim finally turn into a healthy and cheerful person.
Where does victim syndrome come from and what to do about it?
The reason for the emergence of victim syndrome lies in upbringing, personal characteristics, life situation, decisions made in childhood and stereotypical behavior determined by the life scenario.
For example, the feeling of being a victim can become entrenched when a child was punished in childhood for something that he could not yet control due to his age (he got dirty when he ate, recently picked up a spoon, soiled the sofa, starting to crawl). A child who is scolded feels guilty for what he has done, even without being familiar with this feeling in terms of understanding. He feels “not good” and “wrong.” There is a pronounced feeling of fear of being rejected, abandoned, being left alone and not surviving.
It is this feeling deep inside that guides the behavior and self-perception of a person with the position of a victim.
Assault, sexual abuse, placing excessive responsibility on the child for what is happening in the family, too high demands and punishment for mistakes are also possible causes of the victim’s life scenario.
For example, when in a family where the father is an alcoholic and the mother is depressed and passive and feels like a victim, the daughter can take responsibility for the condition of both parents, supporting the mother and “raising” the father. In the future, the girl may repeat her mother’s scenario and take on the role of the victim.
Over time, already in adulthood, finding himself in situations that confirm his “badness,” a person reinforces his position and does not realize his contribution to what is happening.
Cheburashka
“Suddenly a wizard will fly in in a blue helicopter and show a movie for free. He’ll wish me a happy birthday and probably leave me five hundred popsicles as a gift.”
Question: what stopped you from buying ice cream yourself? What stopped you from going to the movies? Of course, 500 popsicles can cause diarrhea, but at least one popsicle could be bought without a wizard? No! Everyone is waiting for happiness to fall on them.
Here's another example about a birthday.
Emotional Freedom Technique
One way to get out of the victim position is the “Emotional Freedom Technique” developed by Harry Craig. This is a direct impact technique, it is very simple and easy to learn. Its essence lies in the fact that once again, when a person remembers a negative event, a traumatic situation, he needs to lightly press several times with his fingers on certain points on the body, which are points of energy flows. In most cases, this method reduces fears and negative emotions. You can learn how to correctly perform the Emotional Freedom Technique by watching the video.
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Alternative Behavior: Free and Strong Personality
The opposite state of the victim complex is personal freedom.
Freedom means that no one is stopping you from managing your own life according to your choices. To settle for anything less is to choose a form of slavery.
"How to get rid of the victim complex"
Don’t buy into the tricks of people who suggest that freedom means selfishness and irresponsibility. Responsibility is the result of choice; you take it upon yourself voluntarily. In no case should it fall on you at the whim of someone or under pressure from society.
“The freest people in the world are those who are at peace with themselves: they simply do not pay attention to the claims of other people, because they themselves effectively arrange and direct their lives,” writes Wayne Dyer in his book.
Scarlet Sails
One girl, aged 8, was told that one day a prince would come for her on a ship with scarlet sails and take her to a distant country. The girl walks along the shore for years, waiting for a miracle. In the village no one likes her and they even consider her crazy.
What prevented the girl from going to another country on her own and finding a prince there? But no, it’s better to stomp along the shore and wait for years for HE to land “in scarlet shorts, on scarlet sails.”
Do you find it funny? Me too. What conclusions should the child draw after this? You will say that this is only in foreign literature. Nothing like this! Ours is even worse! Read Russian fairy tales: “In the dungeon, the princess is grieving. And the brown wolf serves her faithfully.” The absence of any action regarding your life is welcome!
Surrendering to fear
fears
can keep a person in a victim position : fear of making decisions, fear of making a mistake, fear of not meeting a new partner, fear of worsening one’s financial situation, and others.
“If fear is stronger than discomfort, many people continue to endure the inconvenience,”
the specialist notes.
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