How to survive betrayal? If you have been betrayed or betrayed

Betrayal always hurts. And almost always unexpectedly. And that’s why it’s very difficult to worry about him.

But, unfortunately, this is part of relationships between people. Sometimes we are betrayed, sometimes we are betrayed. But even if we don’t do this, this does not give us guarantees that we will never be betrayed. Unfortunately.

There are always two sides to betrayal:

the one who betrayed
and the one who was betrayed.

To someone who has been betrayed, it may seem that only he is hurt. He may experience extreme resentment, pain, hatred, confusion and horror.

But it can also be very difficult for someone who betrayed to live through such an experience.

In this article I will look at such a difficult topic in relationships as betrayal. And I will share some of my ideas that can help both sides survive betrayal. And how to live further after this.

What is betrayal?

Each person puts his own meaning into the concept of “betrayal.” What will be a betrayal for one person will not necessarily be a betrayal for another.

But in general, betrayal is usually understood as those actions that violate trust. And it turns out that if we don’t trust a person, then he cannot betray us.

Some people protect themselves from possible betrayal by not trusting anyone. On the one hand, this provides a certain security. But at the same time, it deprives you of the opportunity to build close relationships with other people. After all, intimacy and deep loving relationships are impossible without trust.

What actions can be considered betrayal:

Treason. Moreover, betrayal can be not only when a loved one cheats. It happens when, for example, a partner cheats on a woman with her friend. Then she experiences a double betrayal.
Deception. Most often, intentional deception is understood as betrayal.
Violation of important agreements for a person.
Telling a third party a secret. Breach of confidentiality.
Parting. When an important person suddenly ends the relationship.
Violence. For example, violence from parents is perceived by a child as betrayal. And it greatly violates his trust in them, etc.

Expert opinion

Psychologist Anna Kiryanova believes that traitors are incorrigible. They are not tormented by pangs of conscience when they leave their children, abandon their wives, or throw mud at their once beloved idol. They do not see anything shameful in their actions, because betrayal and meanness have become a way of life for them. From a very early age.

And their own parents often become an example. Those who see nothing wrong with finding another family or throwing a dead cat in the trash. For them, all this nonsense is the norm of life. Therefore, children learn to be friends with convenient people, abandon loved ones, and offend animals.

It is natural for them to enjoy the benefits of life here and now. And if the wife has grown old and ugly over the years, then she too needs to be thrown into the dustbin of history. And in place of this unfortunate woman, bring another, young body.

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Who betrays more often?

People for whom loyalty, trust, reliability and honesty are not special values betray more often.

Also, those who endure too much betray more often than others. After all, if a person does not express his dissatisfaction, he is always sweet and good, always so correct. That is, there is a risk that sooner or later he may express his accumulated negativity “behind his back.” That is, not directly, but, for example, through betrayal or gossip.

Inner traitor

Each of us has the potential to betray another person. We are not perfect, each of us has a “dark side”.

And admitting to yourself that you have an “inner traitor” makes the experience of betrayal a little easier.

When you understand that in certain situations and under certain circumstances you are also capable of betraying. Or maybe you have already had such an experience where you betrayed. This awareness helps you worry a little less about what happened or possible betrayal by other people.

Love and disappointments

If you ask your friends to remember famous aphorisms about betrayal, the quotes they voice for the most part will most likely relate to love and adultery. Indeed, in real life, memories of knives stuck in the back are rare. But family dramas and broken hearts are in the history of every second marriage. Why does this happen, since on the wedding day all the newlyweds take vows of fidelity to each other and promise to preserve and protect the union under any circumstances?

The question of why people cheat can be considered philosophical, and the answer to it should be sought in each specific case. Meanwhile, the betrayal of a loved one is one of the most terrible and painful. People tend to idealize the object of their love and trust him endlessly. It is for this reason that news of deception usually sounds like a bolt from the blue.

Reasons for betrayal

People betray for various reasons. It's not very often that people do this because they intentionally want to hurt the other person.

It is often called betrayal when a person simply acts in accordance with his own interests. Which are at odds with the interests of other people.

Sometimes people betray out of ignorance, due to a lack of awareness. That is, when they themselves do not realize that by some of their actions they are betraying the trust of another.

Also, betrayal is often prompted by one’s own pain. When we are hurt, we are more likely to hurt other people.

How to survive betrayal?

How to survive this difficult experience for someone who has been betrayed:

Give yourself permission to feel your pain and cry. You are faced with a very difficult experience. And it is completely natural that you experience painful feelings. But often people do not allow themselves to live them, they try to get away from them using various means. For example, alcohol. But it is important to allow yourself to experience this pain in order to let it go.
When your pain subsides and you feel better. It makes sense to understand the situation, how it happened, and why. To learn useful lessons from it. And become wiser thanks to this situation of betrayal. Write a list of at least 10 things that this situation taught you.
Consider whether you may have leaned too much on the person who betrayed you. Weren't they depending on him too much? Perhaps you lacked and still lack internal support. And you expected from others what you do not do for yourself. Think about what you can do for yourself now. How can you take care of yourself now? Write a plan for how you will take care of yourself in the near future.
Think about whether you expected too much from this person and trusted him too much and unreasonably. Betrayal often teaches us that we need to trust with some caution and greater awareness. And it is important to learn to build your trust in a person slowly and gradually. And let him get close exactly as much as you feel good in your relationship with this person, and as much as you know him well.
Only after your anger and pain have subsided, think about how your relationship with the person who committed the betrayal will change. Considering everything that happened between you. Will you continue communicating with him? If so, what will change in your relationship? Will you increase your distance with him or not? Will you be able to forgive this person or not? And try to be honest with yourself about this.

How to survive betrayal for someone who committed it himself:

Most often, feeling strongly about betrayal is driven by feelings of guilt. Therefore, it is important to deal with it. Feeling guilty is an indicator that you have violated your internal norm. It is important to understand what exactly you feel guilty about in this situation. That is, exactly what norm did you violate?
There are many different ways to free yourself from guilt. One of them is to apologize. Or somehow compensate for the damage to the person towards whom you committed betrayal. Think about what you could do for this person to somehow make amends for your guilt towards him.
If another person does not forgive you, then you can forgive yourself. There is no point in wasting your life blaming and berating yourself. It will be much better if you learn from what happened instead. And you will no longer make such mistakes in your life.
Think about why you committed this betrayal. What goal did you pursue, what did you want to achieve? What needs of yours were you trying to satisfy with this action? And try to be sincere with yourself in these matters.
Think about what this betrayal situation can teach you. Write a list of at least 10 lessons you can learn from the incident.

How to trust people after betrayal?

In order not to lose your trust in people after betrayal, it is important to separate the actions of this particular person who betrayed you and other people. Remind yourself often that not all people are like this person. That you were betrayed by one specific person, and not by all of humanity as a whole. And that if one person is like this, it does not mean that all other people are the same.

After experiencing betrayal, you may really want to stop trusting people altogether so that something like this doesn’t happen again. Try not to fall into total distrust of everyone. Better yet, try to learn to trust reasonably and carefully, i.e. build your trust slowly. And figure out who you can trust and who you shouldn’t trust.

If you “go into loneliness” due to betrayal, you will not give yourself the opportunity to receive support from other people in this difficult situation. That is, there is a big risk that you will become even more convinced that no one can be trusted.

Therefore, it is important to ask and receive support from others so as not to lose your faith in people. So talk to people sometimes. Especially with those who usually do not betray your trust. And whom you trust. Share your pain with them and ask them to support you.

If there are no people near you whom you can really trust, then you can turn to a psychologist. Who can also become such a supporting figure for you for a while. And it will help you surround yourself with fairly reliable people. Learn to choose just such people and build strong, trusting relationships with them.

If you have experienced betrayal or have any other difficulties with trust, you can contact me for a consultation.

Author of the article: psychologist Anna Tychuk.

Does age play a role?

It’s one thing when a person betrays you in your youth, it’s another when you’re 40 years old. Life has already settled down and seems reliable. But it is not over, but on the contrary, it is in full swing. Of course, betrayal brings pain at any age, but at 40 a person already has life experience and wisdom, manages his problems and difficulties. At this age, there are probably already children whose support will not let you fall to your knees.

If you were betrayed by a person at the age of 50, then all that remains is to forget him and let him go, because you have already lived half your life, you are already a philosopher in this area. A woman at this age still attracts men with her beauty and wisdom, especially if, despite her age, she takes care of herself, dresses well, puts on makeup and does her hair. Perhaps right now there will be a desire to go on a trip, or learn a language, or enroll in some interesting courses. The children have already grown up, you are free and independent, so you need not to miss this moment, you need to start living for yourself.