This difficult age: how to help children and parents survive adolescence?

“Prickly,” touchy, vulnerable, impudent – ​​it’s all about them, about teenagers. About those who have entered a difficult transitional age. About those who are on the path from childhood to adulthood. About those who find it difficult to understand and accept everything that happens to them.

This article is dedicated to teenagers. In it you will learn what adolescence is, what dangers await children and parents at this stage of growing up, and what mothers and fathers need to do to help their child survive this difficult time.

To satisfy your child’s need for independence and independence, but continue to take care of his safe movement, install the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores. You will always know where your child is without annoying questions, calls and SMS.

Content:

• What you need to know about adolescence? Why is it difficult for children?
• Why is it difficult for parents?

What you need to know about adolescence?

Psychologists have long noted the trend of “rejuvenation” of adolescence. Children now enter the transition period much earlier than their parents - at 10-11 years old. Also about adolescence up to 18-19 years old, when the child reaches adulthood and is separated from his parents not only psychologically, but also materially and financially.

We all go through transitional periods that can be characterized as follows: baby, child, teenager, young man (girl), adult. At each level of maturation, physiological processes occur. Also, the formation of an emotional field, social adaptation occurs, a system of values ​​and personal principles of the individual is built,

– Oksana Tumadin,

expert psychologist, author of a unique methodology for unlocking personal potential and uniqueness.

Within the boundaries of adolescence, two stages are distinguished: younger adolescence (10-12 years old) and older adolescence (starting from 13 years old until the end of the transition period).

1. In early adolescence, the child already begins to feel his adulthood, his need to communicate with peers increases, and his body prepares for changes.
2. By the age of 13-14, hormonal changes reach their peak. The child becomes irritable, touchy, and his mood often changes.
3. The transition period ends with the child's entry into adulthood. The emotional state of boys and girls stabilizes, and mature, balanced decisions appear. The time is coming for complete separation from the parental family.

It is not known exactly how long your child’s adolescence will last. Because, having matured physically, a teenager may remain psychologically unprepared for an independent organization of his life for a long time.

Why is this period called transition? Because in the development of a child there is a transition from childhood to adulthood. And the main task for a teenager is to realize himself and separate from his parents.

The transition period begins when a hormone begins to be released that activates the pituitary gland and gonads,

– Oksana Tumadin,

expert psychologist.

Adolescence is a challenge for both children and parents.

Now two trends are visible: 1) the tendency of reluctance to grow up early, to start families and children at least until the age of 24-28. With this indicator, responsibility towards one’s life in all areas decreases. Later periods of onset of financial independence lead to semi-dependence on adults. This is where conflicts between parents and children occur. Teenagers, on the one hand, crave independence and show this in all their actions, based on hormonal development, as intended by nature. On the other hand, teenagers unconsciously themselves slow down the transition to adulthood, not wanting to take responsibility.

2) The second trend is the desire to quickly reach your destiny and change the world. There are more and more children like this. They are born already adults and it is very difficult for them to introduce all levels of physiological maturation - they want to grow up faster and, not paying attention to all the teenage outbursts in their character, they go towards their goals in order to get things done. They understand what they want, where they are going and, as a rule, from childhood they are busy thinking and studying the world, far from being like a child,

– Oksana Tumadin,

expert psychologist.

Why is it difficult for children?

• They change externally and internally. And sometimes it is difficult for them to accept these changes and control them.
• They want to be accepted in society and feel important. Instead, they may face ridicule, aggression from peers, or become a victim of bullying.
• They expect understanding from parents and acceptance of all their characteristics. Instead, they face total control, criticism and prohibitions.
• They want autonomy and independence, but cannot get it because they do not yet bear full responsibility for their actions.

To satisfy your child’s need for independence and independence, but continue to take care of his safe movement, install the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores. You will always know where your child is without annoying questions, calls and SMS.

Why is it difficult for parents?

• They don’t know how to behave with older children.
• We are used to being an authority figure for our child.
• Not ready to let go of your son or daughter.

Features of contact with a teenager

When a child reaches adolescence, all the requirements placed on him are conditionally divided into three groups: non-discussable (for example, the time of returning home), discussed (planning free time) and accepted by him independently. These groups are necessarily subject to preliminary discussion.

Uniform family requirements for a growing child of this age are of considerable importance. The young man himself craves rights more than he strives for responsibilities. If the younger generation realizes that too much is expected of them, they will try to shirk their responsibilities. Therefore, serious arguments must be given to all demands - simply imposing demands on a teenage person at the stage of personality formation may not work.

It is worth considering that often the growing generation performs its actions under the influence of momentary emotions characteristic of the transition period. Therefore, you should not have a conversation or discuss a teenager’s behavior or words when you see that your child is excited, irritated or upset. In addition, one should take into account the unstable state of mind of this age; at this stage, do not find fault too much. A teenager's sense of adulthood requires special attention. It is very important to support a sense of significance and independence at this difficult age in various ways.

Allow the child to understand the objects of his affection or love and make his own decisions in this direction, even though this is not quite an adult age. And do not forget that even if a teenager needs the help of his parents, at the same time he is trying to protect his own world from invasion, and he has the right to do so. Try not to control his behavior and treat your troubled child with respect, while at the same time indirectly influencing his actions.

But it is not always worth paying attention to the opposition characteristic of a given age - a teenager still feels the need for support from adults. It is best to have an adult act as a friend. In this way, you will make it easier for a child of this age to find himself during self-knowledge. With such interaction, it becomes possible to create deep spiritual contact.

Features of the transition period

For girls

What happens to girls during adolescence:

• looking for themselves, their own style, experimenting with appearance and clothing, striving to attract attention;
• interest in boys as objects of the opposite sex appears, the first love arises;
• mood swings often occur: unbridled joy is replaced by deep melancholy;
• increased anxiety appears associated with school performance, answers at the board, relationships with classmates;
• strive to independently resolve problems without the help of adults.

In boys

What happens to boys during adolescence:

• become aggressive, rude, angry due to increased production of the male hormone - testosterone;
• concerned about their appearance
• they strive to amaze others with bold actions and are prone to posing;
• often demonstrate protest behavior: skipping classes, running away from home;
• try alcohol, cigarettes, smoking mixtures;
• strive to belong to the “group”, to be part of it.

Psychological withdrawal

Not everyone, but most teenagers, experience psychological discomfort during the period of active growing up. There are many reasons for withdrawal: physiological changes, rejection from parents, rejection by peers, lack of understanding of one’s own tasks and place in the world. Against the background of psychological instability, adolescence becomes a time of the appearance of serious disorders - depression, increased anxiety and more severe mental disorders.

Adolescent self-esteem

In adolescence, the child begins to feel not as part of the parent, but as a separate, full-fledged person. This manifests itself in demonstrating disagreement with parents and conflicts with them. The child insists on his opinion - this is what he considers the most correct.

Not all mothers and fathers are ready to accept and understand this behavior of such an obedient baby just yesterday. Such rejection entails problems in relationships within the family, detachment and mistrust on the part of the teenager. But he needs to share and receive emotions, to understand, to feel included in the group. A teenager finds this in the company of peers - classmates, or friends from the yard.

Rapid changes in a teenager and the static nature of parents, their unpreparedness for change, are the main cause of the problem. If the mother and father show flexibility, do not strive to demonstrate their authority and treat the child with respect, the withdrawal process goes smoothly.

Internal conflict

The main contradiction that haunts teenagers is the discrepancy between “I am strong and mature, I can and want” and “I am not allowed.” Indeed, a teenager is already physiologically mature for procreation, strong enough to work, and believes that he is as smart as adults. But you can’t act like adults.

The limitation is not only that a teenager does not have the same rights that are granted to adults. The structural features of the brain at the age of 14-17 years are such that it is difficult for adolescents to predict the consequences of their actions. This leads to anxiety, fear of the future and lack of self-confidence.

Denial of reality

Middle adolescence is a time of denial. Negativism arises against the background of the fact that the child is disoriented in the internal and external world. He no longer sees a familiar person in the mirror and perceives the world around him differently than before. This creates discord in his soul, a lack of understanding of the situation.

The transition from childhood to adulthood is accompanied by a breakdown of established interests and the destruction of habitual patterns of behavior. For a teenager, it is especially difficult to come into contact with various psychological attitudes, which creates the ground for internal and external protest, denial of everything.

Composure, calm and understanding are required from the child’s parents during the period of denial. Most psychologists consider this state of a child to be a necessary element of growing up, and the absence of denial is an unfavorable sign.

Puberty issues

Puberty (puberty) in adolescents is associated with the active production of sex hormones in both boys and girls. Hormonal changes entail changes in the physique, personality, and behavior of the child.

What is the period of puberty characterized by:

• the appearance of the first menstruation in girls and nocturnal emissions in boys;
• changes in height and weight;
• active work of the sebaceous glands, which often causes acne;
• development of mammary glands and rounding of hips in girls;
• the appearance of hair on the armpits and genitals;
• muscle development in boys;
• increased activity of the sweat glands and, as a result, the appearance of a sharp, unpleasant odor of sweat.

“Storm of hormones” entails such symptoms of adolescence as:

• increased interest in the opposite sex, including erotic interest;
• mood swings;
• worries about appearance;
• aggressiveness, irritability, outbursts of anger.

During this period, it is important for parents to:

• put aside shyness and discuss all issues related to puberty. It is better if mom or dad touches on these “sensitive” topics than if the child is “enlightened” by the Internet;
• Under no circumstances should you shame your son or daughter for their increased interest in sexuality. Many parents are horrified when they catch their son masturbating or their daughter watching a porn film. There is nothing terrible about this. Your child is growing. If earlier he was interested in cars, dolls and Legos, today he is interested in the relationship between a man and a woman;
• Do not ridicule the child’s experiences regarding his appearance. It is better to remind your son or daughter once again that all ugly ducklings someday turn into beautiful swans, you just need to wait a little;
• If a teenager is very worried about acne and excess weight, it is worth visiting an endocrinologist.

How to survive a crisis?

1. Pay close attention to your child's development. Don't miss the first, even weak, signs of his entering adolescence.
2. Take seriously the fact that every person develops at an individual pace, which does not always correspond to a specific age. A growing youth should not be considered a small child. But don’t try to make your child a teenager before he is ready for it, even if his age as such is considered transitional.
3. Take seriously all your child’s statements, no matter how stupid they may seem.
4. Give the maturing body maximum independence - as much as it can withstand for its age. Try to consult with your children on any matter - even the most trivial. They should feel like you are an equal member of the family.
5. Do what you want to achieve from your daughter or son yourself - for example, always call if you are delayed.
6. Try to correct mistakes in upbringing made earlier. At this age, all mistakes tend to creep out.
7. Show interest in everything that matters to your son or daughter. In a transitional age, rich in surprises, they undergo a reassessment of interests and values, and it is better if you take direct part in this process.
8. Use incentives, discuss rules. But some things, especially those related to safety, at any age, and especially at a transitional age, must be observed unquestioningly.

What dangers await children and parents?

Now let's talk about those things that aggravate a child's adolescence and which parents should pay special attention to:

Bullying at school

A withdrawn and shy child can become an object of bullying, while a cruel and aggressive child can act as a bully. And absolutely all teenagers can act as observers.

The dangers of social networks

Social networks are something that modern children cannot imagine their lives without. But they also carry a certain threat.

A child may face both online bullying and offers to join “death groups” or take part in a game. Recently, an extremely dangerous game called “Run or Die” has become widespread on social networks. Its meaning is as follows: one teenager must cross the road in front of moving traffic, and do it as close as possible, and the second must film this moment on video. After this, the video is posted in the appropriate group, and the participant receives an assessment of his “feat”.

Getting into bad company

Teenagers strive to be involved in the group, to become part of. Therefore, there is a great danger that your child will end up in an “inappropriate” company, where young people commit illegal acts, use alcohol, drugs or smoking mixtures.

Make sure that your child does not associate with bad company and does not harm his health. Install the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.

Early sexual life

Increased interest in the opposite sex, curiosity and hormonal surges often contribute to early sexual contacts in adolescence.

Replacing the real world with a virtual one

Faced with misunderstanding of parents and lack of friends, the child withdraws more and more into himself. For him, immersion in virtual reality is protection from the outside world. In computer games, a teenager “realizes” himself: he accomplishes “feats,” “earns money,” and becomes successful.

Suicidal thoughts

The appearance of thoughts about death in adolescents is associated with conflicts in the family, bullying at school, first love, and lack of friendly relations with classmates.

Decline in school performance

Against the background of a hormonal surge and restructuring of the body, adolescents often experience a decrease in cognitive abilities and loss of interest in learning. In severe cases, asthenic syndrome may develop - increased fatigue, sleep disturbances, frequent headaches, and autonomic disorders.

How to help your child survive adolescence?

Parents' mistakes in education

As we have already said, it is also not easy for parents to survive the period of growing up of their son or daughter. Therefore, many, often unconsciously, with their phrases or actions break the threads of love and trust that connect them with the child.

What parents of teenagers are not recommended to do:

1. Criticize and prohibit the child’s communication with friends (“I don’t like this Vasya of yours, he studies poorly and dresses sloppily. I don’t want you to be friends with him”).
2. Make fun of your appearance and clothes (“Why did you wear so much makeup for school? You look like a clown”).
3. Excessively control all areas of the child’s life (“Who called you just now? Come on, quickly show me the phone”).
4. Treat like a small child (“It’s too early for you to know about this. When you grow up, then we’ll talk”).
5. Ignore the teenager’s worries (“Why are you crying in the bedroom again? Better go do your homework”).
6. Compare with peers, classmates, children of acquaintances (“But Nastya from your class studies with straight A’s and helps her mother around the house, but you only have boys on your mind”).

How parents should behave during this difficult period

The psychology of a teenager is such that he will defend his opinion in any situation, even if he is wrong. Therefore, try to talk to your child in a calm tone, without breaking into shouting and accusations. Listen to his point of view and together with him find a suitable solution to the conflict.

The position of the parents is important; you need to understand the child as himself during this period. The task is to quietly transform relationships into friendships. Having a heart-to-heart talk as friends is the only true way, and slowly. By speaking honestly about your childhood, you will find a mutual interest in communicating about this period as you transition into adulthood.

The goal is to establish an internal connection, which I think is important for all parents to maintain,

– Oksana Tumadin,

expert psychologist.

• Talk to your child more often about all the changes that are happening to him. Most parents do not do this, leaving the teenager alone with his experiences. Cover the topics of falling in love for the first time, the beginning of sexual activity, the use of alcohol and psychotropic substances. Explain to him that not everything that friends try or recommend trying is safe and will not cause harm.
• Support your child in any endeavors and hobbies (except those that may harm him). Even if they seem stupid and frivolous to you. It is not necessary to separate them, the main thing is to respect the child’s choice.
• Treat your teenager like an adult, even if you don't think of him as one. Give him freedom to make decisions, but let him not forget about responsibility for his actions.
• Move from the “above” to the “beside” position. Become a friend, an older comrade for the child.
• Your child is growing up and moving away from you. Do not try to stop this process with prohibitions and excessive control over his life.
• Pay attention to what your child is doing on social media. You should not read his correspondence - this is a personal matter. But you have every right to know what groups and communities he is in and whether there is danger in them.
• Frequent conflicts with a child in most cases arise due to excessive control and when parents begin to interfere too actively in his life.

In order to get rid of excessive control and stop conflicts with a teenager, give him freedom of movement. And in order not to worry about your child and know where he is when he doesn’t answer the phone, install the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.

• If all your conversations with your child boil down to discussing grades at school and criticism for the mess in the room and unwashed dishes, you risk losing a trusting relationship with your son or daughter.

• Joint walks, trips, hikes, and heart-to-heart conversations will help establish relationships with a teenager much faster than moralizing conversations.
• Yes, you may not like your child's friends. But criticizing or prohibiting communication with them is not the best way out of the situation. The teenager will perceive this as another attack on his independence and autonomy in choosing friends.

Actions define people. Not words, not thoughts, but actions, and when teenagers make a conclusion about someone, they proceed from the actions of people. They are like scanners that determine whether a person is sincere or fake. Due to their clear vision and keen sense of reality, they conflict with people and resist going where they do not need to go. They resist consciously and you only need to understand your child through observation and conversation, because it is during adolescence that a system of values ​​and principles is built by which he will then live,

– Oksana Tumadin,

expert psychologist.

• If your child’s adolescence is particularly difficult, your son or daughter is increasingly moving away from you, walks around depressed and often cries - be sure to seek help from a psychologist! These may be signs of bullying at school, conflicts with peers, or the appearance of depressive and suicidal thoughts in a teenager.

If a child falls into bad company

• Don't panic. Ask yourself: is this company bad for me or for my child? If a teenager receives respect, recognition and support there, he will strive with all his might to continue to be in this company.
• Get to know your son or daughter's friends better, invite them to visit or go out into nature. Perhaps your opinion about them will change.
• Remember: prohibitions and threats will not help! The child will still communicate with his company, but secretly from you.
• If your worst fears have been confirmed, and your child has indeed become involved with bad company, your main task is to regain a trusting relationship with your son or daughter and try to find out the reason why this company attracts him so much.
• Try to interest your teenager in other exciting things: sports, music, programming.
• If you find out that your child is a member of a religious sect or has contacted a criminal group, do not hesitate at all! Change school, area of ​​residence or city so that the child is not tempted to return to his old “friends”.

Types of teenage depression

Depression is difficult to recognize, since the behavior of young children of this age is often caused not by negative emotions, but by mood swings caused by the process of puberty. But a constant bad mood, deterioration in school performance and some other manifestations of a difficult age may indicate the presence of depression. It should be borne in mind that this is a disease, and it is not a type of mood, but a mental disorder. In general, there are several types of depression:

Classic depression. At this age, young people often feel sad, depressed, and anxious. A person stops experiencing pleasure from his usual activities. Favorite films, photos, food cause an attack of irritability. Symptoms of classic depression in adolescence include slowness of movement and thinking, and external lack of will.

Neurotic depression. This type of depression, sometimes characteristic of adolescence, occurs as a result of a long-term situation that traumatizes the psyche. The disease begins with a decrease in mood, tearfulness and a feeling of unfair treatment. Symptoms of neurotic depression may include problems falling asleep, anxious waking up, weakness, morning headaches, and low blood pressure.

Psychogenic depression. It develops with the loss of vital values ​​for a young person of adolescence (and not only). This could be the death of loved ones, a break in relationships. Psychogenic depression of this age can develop in a short time. Its signs include internal tension, anxiety about fate, melancholy and lethargy, and complaints about one’s worthlessness. When such symptoms appear, you must immediately pay attention to the guy or girl and take them to a psychologist before they consider suicide to be the best way out of the situation.

What actually happens to teenagers - determining the inner age of your child

Oksana Tumadin, expert psychologist, author of a unique method for unlocking personal potential and uniqueness:

To better understand what happens to teenagers, let's look at the internal ages. G. Gurdjieff formulated more than 100 years ago the seven internal levels of man. Many parents will understand their children, help them go through adolescence without stress for both parties and move into a conscious adult world without losing their childish spontaneity. It is this childlike spontaneity in life that gives success, good luck, joy of life, joy from one’s achievements.

Baby

“Baby” is a person who does not want to take responsibility and lives only to satisfy his needs. You've probably all seen older people who demand extra attention to themselves, turning the lives of those around them into hell. This is exactly the level of a baby, which means that a person, having gone through his entire life, has not matured.

Child

The “child” already lives for the family, but lives according to schemes, recommendations, rules - for him everything should be clear and put in order. It is the “Child” who takes care of the adult “Babies”, based on the rules laid down in generations.

Teenager

The “teenager” wants to reach new heights, stand out from the crowd, and experience life. The teenager tries to develop his greatest strengths and abilities. But often he still lacks awareness of ethics and the rules of human communication and relationships, because of this, the ways to achieve his goals are sometimes not environmentally friendly.

Teenagers do not respect authorities. In relationships they can show their superiority. Often adults remain “Teenagers” - this is expressed in the forced submission of others to their rules.

young man

Next comes the “Youth” level. A person begins to think about the meaning of life, often moves away from material dependence in order to learn other values. If the previous levels have been correctly assimilated, then the boy (girl) is aware in all areas of life, understands everything they need to do, where to go and why.

If the previous levels are not completed, then teenagers become lazy and stop doing ordinary tasks in relation to family, work, and school.

Adult

The “adult” connects all the previous levels and knows how to manage them. He is responsible for his life, for his family, relationships, work. Can guide teenagers and young men to go in the right direction.

There is still selfishness in “Adult”, and sometimes it condemns everyone who is irresponsible or does not understand basic things in relation to life.

Intellectual development

A teenager of 14–16 years old is already a practically formed intellectual personality who has his own opinion on various issues. Teenagers are quite capable of reasoning, expressing their thoughts, and giving reasons for them. More and more time in their lives begins to be taken up by serious matters, and less and less time is allocated to rest and entertainment. Logical memory begins to actively develop. Due to the appearance of new academic subjects at school, the amount of information that a teenager must remember increases significantly.