How to survive the death of a loved one: advice from a psychologist and priest on how to let go of the pain of loss.

How to come to terms with the death of a loved one

Unfortunately, we have to admit: we live much more of a material life than a spiritual one. I would like it to be completely different. The moment will come when you have to give everything up. Alexander the Great conquered half the world, and lay in his coffin empty-handed. As if to say: “I’m leaving without taking anything.”

People cope with bereavement differently. Some consider this a natural phenomenon and calmly move on without tormenting their souls. For others, faith helps them cope with the death of a loved one. Hope for eternal life in another world, the miracle of resurrection and awareness of universal justice. Atheists find consolation in the end of torment and suffering. They find the meaning of the deceased's life in the legacy of the person's work.

There is no universal, ready-made way to cope with loss. Everything is strictly individual. Getting over the death of a loved one takes time. Months, sometimes years. The pain of the soul either rushes in or temporarily recedes. It `s naturally. The pain will not go away completely. Periodically: on days of remembrance, birth anniversaries, death of the departed, she will return.

There are a number of stages in bereavement:

Negotiation . A serious, incurable illness overcomes a dear relative. And we can't help. The efforts of doctors and the search for a miracle cure are fruitless. Death is preparing its next victim. Often in such cases, relatives and friends of a hopeless patient try to make some kind of deal with fate. Promising in return to become better, to make an atoning sacrifice with your behavior. They are ready to take pain and suffering upon themselves. To an outsider, this may look like a somewhat naive echo of some ancient superstitions and rituals. Although there are possible temporary improvements in the patient’s condition, this is a naive illusion. Self-deception. False unrealistic hope. You'll have to break up with her.
Shock . No wonder – the body’s defenses are activated. The individual switches off for a while, elementary sensuality disappears. Everything that happens is seen from the outside. The person thinks that what is happening has nothing to do with him, and somewhat distances himself from the events taking place. The funeral procedure, burial of the deceased, the importance of observing rituals and traditions are designed to distract from pain and suffering. To bring the relatives of the deceased out of a state of emotional stupor.
The second stage begins: resentment and anger . A person who has lost a loved one can be offended by anyone. Blame yourself, loved ones, relatives, doctors, society, God, the deceased. A natural phenomenon for people who do not understand the simple truth that we own absolutely nothing. “God gave, God took!” is a statement understandable to any atheist. There is no need to dwell on this difficult stage. On the contrary, let it be stormy, emotional, rude, tough, harsh. The faster you will be able to survive the death of a loved one and move on to the next stage.
Despair . The soul is filled with a bitter “emptiness”. The flow of feelings, emotions, experiences coming from a loved one has abruptly dried up, there is simply nothing to fill it with. Natural desires fade into the background, the person experiencing loss lives as if “in a fog”, he wants to lie down all the time, he is simply unable to do anything. At such a moment, you really need the support of friends and family. It is important to be able to empathize, to gently and unobtrusively call an interlocutor suffering from a bereavement to a frank conversation, perhaps crying, tears. We must be given the opportunity to “open our souls.” Not everything will work out right away, but time heals any wounds.
Humility, acceptance . Man is a rational being. He, gradually going through the stages of bereavement, begins to accept what happened as inevitable and learns to live a new life. It is impossible to return the past; one must be able to find other values and make new plans. Overcome pain, grief, mourning. It's normal if a year passes and you are able to cope with the death of a loved one. Courage, resilience, and the ability to endure losses will help with this.
Peace . A year or two passes. Maybe more. The bitterness and pain gradually dull. It’s good if they are replaced by bright, calm feelings, awareness of the importance of the past life path of someone who has untimely departed to another world. It is important that there are successors to the work of the deceased, followers who were able to pick up his initiatives. A man lives a dream. It’s wonderful when wishes come true, at least after the death of the dreamer himself.

Everyone is able to endure all the hardships of fate and live quite happily, with dignity. Otherwise, the human race would have died out long ago. This must be firmly known and remembered! Our ancestors did not go through such difficulties, but they managed to survive, get back on their feet and overcome everything! We can do it too.

What feelings might you face after a loss?

The experience of loss depends on personal characteristics, social environment, attitude towards death and relationship with mother. In the first days and weeks after a loss, many people are unable to go to work or cope with household chores because this is the acute phase of grief.

Grief researcher William Warden writes that grief and other feelings are needed to adapt to loss. There are a number of feelings that people commonly name when describing their grief experience—all of which are normal. According to the charity Independent Age, after the death of a loved one, people may experience:

shock and feeling of unreality, especially in the first days after death;
anxiety, general or about something specific;
worry about one's own mortality;
anger and irritation - for example, they can be angry with loved ones;
sadness;
guilt;
feeling of hopelessness;
the need to support others and suppress one's own grief;
some relief if a person has been sick for a long time.

Your experience may vary.
It's normal if you have difficulty identifying what specific feeling you are experiencing. Strong emotions can be scary, but they usually get weaker over time. Olga Shaveko , systemic family psychotherapist, specializes in working with trauma and loss.
There are five stages that a person goes through during the loss of a loved one: denial, aggression, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But it is important to remember that the grieving process does not follow clear stages. The stages are very arbitrary, and a lot depends on the situation, on the characteristics of the person, on what kind of support is nearby.

The stages usually go through many times, and the strength of the emotions gradually decreases. It is not always possible to reach acceptance. Then the grieving process can become chronic and last for a long time.

Advice from a psychologist: how to cope with loss

Sometimes coping with the loss of a close relative can be very difficult. A modern member of society is not morally prepared for a difficult test. They haven’t taught you, they don’t know how, they don’t know how to drink “your cup of grief to the bottom” and endure everything. But you have to, life will force you. Conclusion: you need to prepare in advance. Be able to understand, accept, let go. Today there is no social institution for moral support for a person in trouble, and we are forced to resort to the services of psychologists, knowing that we cannot cope on our own. Although, it must be admitted that some efforts are being made by society. But after the fact. When solving a problem becomes an unbearable burden for a person.

In such situations, psychologists advise following the general path, taking individual steps:

It hurts - it hurts . It is impossible to expel the pain of loss from the depths of the soul. Periodically it will return again, gradually subsiding. This is fine. We must learn to live, calmly accepting the severity of the past. Mental suffering will help you become stronger, withstand, endure.
Rethinking . The blow dealt by death, tearing one out of the usual circle, makes one think deeply about the very essence of existence. We must be more frank: this awaits all of us. Questions arise: what will happen there, beyond the line? What is the process of dying? What happens to those who left our world?
There is no need to isolate yourself from thinking . They are common for a mature person. We are thinking beings. Through pondering the deep philosophical questions that life harshly poses to us, a person’s spiritual growth occurs. Someone comes to faith, someone will need to read a number of works of philosophical and scientific literature. This helps to calmly cope with the death of a loved one. Take what has happened for granted.
Communication . Conversations. At a certain stage, a desire arises to share feelings, thoughts, experiences. This is a sign that the one tormented by the torment of experiences is on the right path. It is important to find the right interlocutors who can understand. And they will not take the path of contradiction or depreciation of the loss. It would be great if relatives or friends can provide support. Their role at such moments in life is truly enormous and irreplaceable.
"Spiritual separation" . No matter how long the pain and heaviness last, you must give, let go. No matter how dear the deceased is, there is a limit. And it’s better not to delay this. Otherwise, you will have serious mental illness and long, difficult treatment. Not everyone can do it. You can’t live with deep pain in your soul all the time. You need to make a point somewhere. Say goodbye, forgive, ask for forgiveness. Let go of severe pain. You can't torment yourself needlessly.
Rest . The heavy burden of loss makes us more vulnerable. We endure the most common troubles and problems much more painfully. Any little thing can easily “knock a person out of the rut of life.” Therefore, rest, some solitude, and peace are extremely necessary. To restore lost strength, to survive the loss, to gain the desire to live on.

How long is too long?

I remember telling someone I was having a hard day about five weeks after my partner drowned. “Why, what happened?” - asked my interlocutor. “Well, Matt died,” I replied. "Oh yes! Does this still bother you?

Still worrying. Yes. In five days, five weeks, five years.

When I talk to someone who has experienced loss in the last two years, I always say, “This just happened. Just a minute ago. Of course, you’re still in pain.” I physically feel how my interlocutor feels better.

We are accustomed to the idea that any serious condition should last a maximum of two months. Exceeding this period is regarded as simulation. As if the loss of a loved one is just a temporary inconvenience, a minor nuisance, something you shouldn’t be upset about for a long time.

Father's advice: how to accept the passing of a loved one

A simple comparison of the torment and pain of a deeply religious person and a person whose soul is empty (it simply cannot be empty, which means it is filled with worldly passions and temptations) will show the high degree of despair of the latter. Modern culture has erased the terrible topic of death from the everyday arsenal of life. Completely in vain. Alas: again we have to remind you of the obvious truth: this is impossible. The departure to the afterlife is inevitable, inevitable.

Previously, artists, musicians, and writers did not avoid the terrible topic. On the contrary, they sought to understand, realize, and accept the inevitability of the cessation of worldly existence. They tried to give some kind of hope, an understanding of eternity, and thereby protected people from severe mental trauma in moments of despair and grief. This helped to accept the inevitable and go through all the stages of a loved one’s departure with wisdom and fortitude. Deep spiritual knowledge is a reliable shield in difficult times.

If trouble happens in the house, we go to the temple, to God, to ask for mercy and the protection of heavenly powers. We want the Almighty to intercede for us, help us, take away torment and suffering, and make it easier to survive the death of a loved one. We naively believe that with a single act we can change the current world order. One such act is not enough. Although, if this movement of the soul becomes the first step towards deep and comprehensive faith, the worldview will change. The road to a new understanding of things, to finding other – eternal values – will be open.

Today's science makes timid attempts to study pre-death and post-death experiences. Books are published, experiments are conducted. Advances in medicine make it possible to bring a person out of a state of clinical death. The body is repeatedly weighed during the process of biological death. Scientists are trying to measure the soul with grams. Hypotheses, doubts, refutations do not dispel doubts and leave eternal problems unresolved. A person wants something completely different: a simple, deep, everything-explaining faith.

He begins to open his soul to God. Searches and gradually finds answers to questions that arise.

What helps us survive the death of a loved one, first of all, is the realization that we are not the owners of the reality around us. She's not ours. We are temporary guests here. Everything will have to be given away. It is necessary to learn to part calmly, to develop the skills of a correct attitude towards loss.
A person is not an iron rock and has the right to feelings. Sometimes, unbearably difficult. If you need to cry, sob, howl, fight hysterically, break, smash, destroy (up to certain limits, of course), then you don’t need to interfere with him. The sacred life right of everyone brought into the world by a father and mother is to suffer, to suffer, to experience pain. You must go through this in order to then become much stronger and calmer. Necessary mourning rituals existed in every culture. Our social environment is no exception.
Endless sorrow and despair is a great sin. So is suicide. God gave man life in order to go through a series of difficult, difficult trials, and find true Faith. It won't work any other way. You shouldn’t look back at false morality and look for other people’s recipes. Through life, a person follows his own path, the path given to him personally. But it doesn’t hurt to look at others. They also went through this, which means we can do it too.
For a believer there is an afterlife, a miracle of resurrection. “God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.” The very concept of death in Orthodoxy is only a temporary process of transition to a better world. Best! Then why grieve? Everything is different there, incomparably better. However, such a fate must be earned by living a righteous life.
Often, a grieving person is consoled by the thought that a relative or loved one who died untimely sees everything and wants us to be happy. It is unpleasant for him to see us in inconsolable grief. The time will come: we will all meet and rise in God.
And finally, the insidious question: “Imagine if we had eternal life on Earth? Wouldn't people be mired in sin? Wouldn’t you give your souls to the Devil?” The man is weak. One day he transgressed God's providence. As a result, he received death as torment and redemption. But God is merciful. He gave his son Jesus Christ to be crucified, opening the way for people. There is a direct path to happiness. It is difficult, but righteous. You won't be able to deceive or cheat.

And if there is no grief, is that normal?

Australian scholar and director of the Grief Center Christopher Hall writes that everyone experiences loss differently. It is possible that you will not grieve the way it is shown in the movies or the way your relatives come to life. You may be coping with your mom's death without tears, but it can still be grief.

If the mother was ill for a long time, the child could grieve her loss even before death. Because the loss is not only death, but also the loss of hope, the loss of a close relationship with the mother.

Sometimes it happens that mother and child do not have a close relationship. Then, even though the mother is a related person by blood, perhaps her child may not experience grief from the death of the mother.

Olga Shaveko

After the death of your mother, you can feel relief if the relationship was bad. Then you can feel that conflicts and resentments have stopped. It is difficult to accept the feeling of relief and joy due to guilt. After all, my mother died, and in such a situation it is customary to grieve. But any emotions are normal, you can allow yourself to feel them.

There may also be relief if the mother was sick for a long time and it was difficult to care for her. When a person is tired and burned out during caregiving, they may feel relieved that the hard work is over. And this is also a normal feeling.

How to let go of pain, leaving a bright memory

Death, tearing a loved one out of the usual circle of life, “unsettles” him, severely breaks the established way of life, and forces him to look at life in a new way. People cope with loss differently. Some calmly and quickly adapt and return to normal, others suffer and suffer for a long time.

The husband regrets that he did not have time to do enough good for his wife; the helpless children lose all support in life and have no idea how they will live in the future. It happens that they reach severe mental suffering and physical torment.

They cannot simply let go of the deceased. They cling like a drowning man to a straw. Obviously, this is due to moral infantilism, the inability to lose and come to terms with losses. But life is not always about acquisition and accumulation. We often forget this. Moreover, we don’t even want to think about losses. Because not seeing troubles and turning a blind eye to them is much easier than being able to wisely and calmly survive them.

An angry person, at a moment of immeasurable loss, reproaches the people close to him, society, and God. He just can’t come to terms with and get over the loss. Doesn't want to know the other's ways. Immense egoism blinds the eyes.

You can't bring a dead person back. Birth, life and death are links in one chain. And we must understand: someone was born, which means that he certainly and necessarily... We are only temporary guests in this world. And our real place is there – beyond the line of existence. Here a person stays for a century, and there FOREVER! One has only to think a little about such things, and everything becomes clear and understandable.

Life on Earth is given in order to mature for another world. Let's take a look at the most common fruits that we consume every day. They are born, develop, grow in order to give themselves to continue another life. How are we, people who imagine ourselves to be the pinnacle of natural perfection, better? We, the “supposedly perfect” ones, cannot accept the natural course of time, which creates and absorbs everything?

It’s amazing how strongly a person is drawn to death and stubbornly refuses to live. This is understandable: life is difficult, sometimes incredibly difficult and painful. Especially if any irreversible changes occur that the individual is completely unprepared to accept. He cannot come to terms with and survive the death of a loved one. “The poor fellow is beating and beating against an invisible wall.” All you have to do is “unclench your clenched hands” and give away someone who doesn’t belong to you. In return, something new, valuable and expensive will definitely come.

A small note. Let's imagine an incredibly greedy person who filled a chest with gold. He was given the opportunity to fill the chest with more expensive diamonds. But in return, you need to give gold. There is no choice, otherwise the gold will simply “burn”, simultaneously burning the owner. He couldn't give it away. Conclusion: is it worth becoming like such a subject? (Of course, any comparison is lame, but anyone who wants to will understand.)

It is necessary to become a more mature, and therefore understanding, person. A person simply must grow spiritually every day. Accumulate strength of spirit, increase its degree. And then, at a difficult moment of testing, you won’t have to tear yourself apart, break your entire worldview, “tear yourself to pieces,” suffering endlessly and fruitlessly. This will change absolutely nothing. The time will come when the sufferer himself, having gone through torment, will become spiritually stronger. Advice: you need to prepare in advance. Otherwise, difficult experiences that destroy the mind and feelings cannot be avoided.

There are no general guidelines for the best way to cope with a loss. Each specific case will necessarily have its own decisions, actions, and events. You shouldn’t focus too much on other people’s experience. But some limits still exist. The well-known forty days, six months, maximum a year is quite enough time to survive the death of a loved one and return to normal life. It is recommended to do something for the deceased. For a believer, these will be prayers, memorial notes, and so on. For an atheist, it is possible to continue the life work of someone who has died untimely. It’s not a bad idea to put a monument on the grave, to write about a person dear to all close friends, pleasant memories. A bright memory is a wonderful feeling. But if the pain persists and deep depression sets in, then urgent measures must be taken. One of them is the help of psychologists.

Background

One night my grandfather became ill and I called an ambulance for him. And then the doctors made a terrible diagnosis. My grandfather had terminal cancer. One could try to perform an operation, but he would not survive. His strength quickly left him. We took grandpa home and took care of him. They bought medicines that did not help him, but kept him alive as much as possible.

For a month I watched his suffering, and my heart was torn from pain. This was a big shock for me, from which I could not recover for a whole year.

I knew that grandfather would die, but it is impossible to prepare for this. A person will never come to terms with death, and it will always cause severe pain, no matter how much time is given to say goodbye.

When to ask for help

Anytime. We are not talking about solving purely material, everyday, organizational difficulties in terms of funerals and creating acceptable living conditions for people who have lost their breadwinners. Hoping for help from public institutions, loved ones and relatives.

We are talking about helping those who are unable to overcome loss and need psychological support. No need to delay. Don't wait until the pain becomes unbearable. The sooner someone in need asks for help, the easier it will be to provide it.

It is difficult to pull a person who is deeply withdrawn into himself out of a dejected state. It’s much easier to prevent yourself from “falling into a deep hole.” In difficult times, be sure to go to people. Only they can provide assistance in difficult times. To relatives, friends, loved ones, acquaintances.

If necessary, then to church, or to psychologists. It depends on your luck. There is no clear certainty that you will immediately find the right comforter. A person who will understand, help, and advise. Will be able to listen and understand. But you need to look. Definitely and constantly. There is no point in expecting that everything will go painlessly, without deep emotional trauma. Not everyone can cope with the pain of loss. And we, those around us, must consider it our direct duty to provide assistance and support a member of society in difficult times. The time will come - we will need it too.