Dad died - how to survive the death of a father: what to do, how to live after his death, how to cope with the loss, accept and come to terms. Advice from psychologists and priests on how to cope with the loss of a father

Dad died, how to survive the death of dad

The death of a loved one unsettles you. If under normal conditions a person copes relatively well with controlling feelings, then the death of a beloved relative interferes with this. The level of pain is so great that all sensations are heightened. Feelings can be compared to exposed wires, when the slightest touch intensifies emotions. A person turns out to be unprepared for this: difficult scenes unfold around him (farewell to the deceased, a coffin, a wake), in addition, one must also try to understand what is happening in one’s own soul.

Psychologists have identified several stages of grief that will help you understand your feelings in order to live them correctly:

1 DENIAL, SHOCK: having heard the news, a person does not believe in what is happening, cannot accept what happened, when he closes himself off from information, this is a way of protecting himself from pain, so one should not try to convey the terrible news of death by any means, because forced overcoming of such a barrier can end in failure (stress, mental disorders, severe depression, suicide);

2 ANGER, RESULT – negative feelings also need to be experienced, often they help to accept pain, because negative emotions partially give vent to grief, for this reason others should show understanding, if possible you need to be there, despite aggression, because this feeling comes from pain, and not from true resentment, the grieving person must live out anger towards the deceased himself, for this he can talk to the deceased;

3 BARGAINING WITH THE UNIVERSE, GOD: attempts are made to get what you want in exchange for return (actions, feelings), of course, the result cannot be obtained, the sooner this awareness arises, the faster the person moves to the next stage;

4 DESPAIR is a natural consequence of devastation, loss of hope, at this stage the grieving person can choose one of the paths (depression or continuation of life), often people unconsciously choose the first option, because it does not require struggle, on the contrary, it is enough to just go deeper into their pain , negative feelings, at this stage the support of loved ones is very important, even a silent presence;

5 “RECOVERY”, HUMILITY, THE BEGINNING OF A NEW PATH – the last stage that comes after difficult days of grief, and a person does not always immediately feel relief; usually the beginning of the path lies at the point where the decision is made to let go of pain, difficult emotions, and begin to live on.

Father's advice: how to accept the passing of a loved one

A simple comparison of the torment and pain of a deeply religious person and a person whose soul is empty (it simply cannot be empty, which means it is filled with worldly passions and temptations) will show the high degree of despair of the latter. Modern culture has erased the terrible topic of death from the everyday arsenal of life. Completely in vain. Alas: again we have to remind you of the obvious truth: this is impossible. The departure to the afterlife is inevitable, inevitable.

Previously, artists, musicians, and writers did not avoid the terrible topic. On the contrary, they sought to understand, realize, and accept the inevitability of the cessation of worldly existence. They tried to give some kind of hope, an understanding of eternity, and thereby protected people from severe mental trauma in moments of despair and grief. This helped to accept the inevitable and go through all the stages of a loved one’s departure with wisdom and fortitude. Deep spiritual knowledge is a reliable shield in difficult times.

If trouble happens in the house, we go to the temple, to God, to ask for mercy and the protection of heavenly powers. We want the Almighty to intercede for us, help us, take away torment and suffering, and make it easier to survive the death of a loved one. We naively believe that with a single act we can change the current world order. One such act is not enough. Although, if this movement of the soul becomes the first step towards deep and comprehensive faith, the worldview will change. The road to a new understanding of things, to finding other – eternal values ​​– will be open.

Today's science makes timid attempts to study pre-death and post-death experiences. Books are published, experiments are conducted. Advances in medicine make it possible to bring a person out of a state of clinical death. The body is repeatedly weighed during the process of biological death. Scientists are trying to measure the soul with grams. Hypotheses, doubts, refutations do not dispel doubts and leave eternal problems unresolved. A person wants something completely different: a simple, deep, everything-explaining faith.

He begins to open his soul to God. Searches and gradually finds answers to questions that arise.

• What helps us survive the death of a loved one, first of all, is the realization that we are not the owners of the reality around us. She's not ours. We are temporary guests here. Everything will have to be given away. It is necessary to learn to part calmly, to develop the skills of a correct attitude towards loss.
• A person is not an iron rock and has the right to feelings. Sometimes, unbearably difficult. If you need to cry, sob, howl, fight hysterically, break, smash, destroy (up to certain limits, of course), then you don’t need to interfere with him. The sacred life right of everyone brought into the world by a father and mother is to suffer, to suffer, to experience pain. You must go through this in order to then become much stronger and calmer. Necessary mourning rituals existed in every culture. Our social environment is no exception.
• Endless sorrow and despair is a great sin. So is suicide. God gave man life in order to go through a series of difficult, difficult trials, and find true Faith. It won't work any other way. You shouldn’t look back at false morality and look for other people’s recipes. Through life, a person follows his own path, the path given to him personally. But it doesn’t hurt to look at others. They also went through this, which means we can do it too.
• For a believer there is an afterlife, a miracle of resurrection. “God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.” The very concept of death in Orthodoxy is only a temporary process of transition to a better world. Best! Then why grieve? Everything is different there, incomparably better. However, such a fate must be earned by living a righteous life.
• Often, a grieving person is consoled by the thought that a relative or loved one who died untimely sees everything and wants us to be happy. It is unpleasant for him to see us in inconsolable grief. The time will come: we will all meet and rise in God.
• And finally, the insidious question: “Imagine if we had eternal life on Earth? Wouldn't people be mired in sin? Wouldn’t you give your souls to the Devil?” The man is weak. One day he transgressed God's providence. As a result, he received death as torment and redemption. But God is merciful. He gave his son Jesus Christ to be crucified, opening the way for people. There is a direct path to happiness. It is difficult, but righteous. You won't be able to deceive or cheat.

Father's death: how to cope with the loss

Children at any age can have a hard time dealing with the death of their parents. But at different times, the reaction to death among those around us is equally illogical. In childhood, it is generally accepted that the child does not understand anything yet and is not capable of feeling deep sorrow, but adult children can cope with their troubles themselves.

In fact, support, and at the same time the help of loved ones, is always required in such cases.

It is necessary to show understanding and make it clear that a person can seek help at any time. But it is impossible to help someone who does not want to get out of a difficult situation. For this reason, the grieving person should also make attempts to alleviate his condition.

Don't rush to throw away sadness

People around them often do not know how to behave around a person who has lost his father. Many people prefer to distance themselves. Seeing this awkwardness, there is a desire to hide your feelings from everyone. But you shouldn’t do this, you need to realize what happened in order to cry and accept the pain. Only by living your feelings can you help yourself get rid of a difficult emotional state. Grieving is a natural process. At the same time, no one limits the period of grief - each person has his own deadlines.

Remember that the deceased parent would have wanted you to continue living

If dad dies, it’s hard for many people to get over it. The closer the relationship was during life, the more difficult it is to cope with grief. Depression, apathy, and lack of desire to live are a common reaction to a painful situation. Sometimes the support of others is not enough, because they will not be able to fill the emptiness in the soul or replace the deceased. In this case, it is important to remember that dad loved his children/daughter, son. The idea should be fixed in the mind that the father would want a happy life for his child. This will allow you to survive difficult times when depression pushes you to the edge of the abyss.

Keep a deceased parent in memory

A person experiencing severe pain can choose several paths to freedom from it. Different people try to help themselves in their own way: some rush to the center of pain and memory of the deceased, cannot give up the memories, others, on the contrary, go as far as possible from events and things associated with the deceased. The first option is more preferable if you control your moral state, because a person lives through his pain. The second option (refusing the memory of the deceased) postpones this moment, the period of grief is prolonged.

It is necessary to try to preserve in memory the image of the deceased, the joyful events associated with him. Over time, memories with a negative load will be erased on their own. But all good things can also gradually disappear from memory if you do not preserve images, voices, and smells. To do this, you can keep a few things, a photo of your father smiling, and talk more with your loved ones about him.

Pay more attention to yourself

Losing a father is a great grief, especially for a child who had a strong connection, a very close relationship with him. The grieving person may fall out of life for a while, stop leaving the house, communicating with people, and even performing hygiene procedures. This is a reaction to drastic changes in life: there will no longer be an opportunity to see a person, talk, touch. But it is important not to linger at this stage, otherwise it will be more difficult to return to life later.

You should pay a little more attention to yourself every day. At first it will be a matter of minutes - to brush your teeth, then - to take a shower, have a cup of tea/coffee, read the news, and after that you can go outside, return to work, study, or do what you love.

Find out what's causing you to feel sad

When the grieving person returns to life after the loss of the death of his father, the state may remain depressed for a long time. Even if it seems that there are no problems left, the grief has been experienced, the pain has been accepted, there is still something that prevents you from fully enjoying yourself. This may be apathy, frequent fatigue, poor sleep in the absence of external health problems.

In psychology, this relationship has a specific term. We are talking about psychosomatics, when moral depression, resentment, hidden anger affects the physical state. It is necessary to find the cause, analyze what causes negative emotions, and work through the problem yourself through forgiveness or with the help of a specialist.

Don't Focus on the Five Stages of Grief

A person who has experienced a strong shock may clutch at straws in order not to lose touch with reality, not to lose himself during a difficult period. Accepting all feelings can help with this. Experts have identified several stages of grief, which most people go through at different times. But it is important to remember that each person is individual. Someone experiences negative feelings unnoticed, then it seems as if such stages have not been completed. Others go through not only the main, but also secondary stages of grief, so it is important to take into account your character, the feelings that a person lives: resentment, anger, hatred, guilt.

Don't make quick, rash decisions

The loss of a father for a son or daughter is a great grief; it is difficult to live with on your own; you should share this burden with someone close to you. Relatives or friends should, if possible, take on some of the responsibilities. This need is due to the fact that sadness, grief, pain, like other feelings when losing a dad, are not a very suitable basis for making decisions.

In such a state, a person’s mind may become slightly clouded, heavy emotions make it difficult to concentrate on one thing, attentiveness is close to zero, thoughts quickly replace each other, and it is difficult to concentrate. As a result, many wrong decisions will be made.

When to ask for help

Anytime. We are not talking about solving purely material, everyday, organizational difficulties in terms of funerals and creating acceptable living conditions for people who have lost their breadwinners. Hoping for help from public institutions, loved ones and relatives.

We are talking about helping those who are unable to overcome loss and need psychological support. No need to delay. Don't wait until the pain becomes unbearable. The sooner someone in need asks for help, the easier it will be to provide it.

It is difficult to pull a person who is deeply withdrawn into himself out of a dejected state. It’s much easier to prevent yourself from “falling into a deep hole.” In difficult times, be sure to go to people. Only they can provide assistance in difficult times. To relatives, friends, loved ones, acquaintances.

If necessary, then to church, or to psychologists. It depends on your luck. There is no clear certainty that you will immediately find the right comforter. A person who will understand, help, and advise. Will be able to listen and understand. But you need to look. Definitely and constantly. There is no point in expecting that everything will go painlessly, without deep emotional trauma. Not everyone can cope with the pain of loss. And we, those around us, must consider it our direct duty to provide assistance and support a member of society in difficult times. The time will come - we will need it too.

Support

Experiences after the death of my father do not allow me to continue to live normally, and in solitude all feelings become aggravated, because there are no distractions that prevent me from feeling them to the fullest. If the grieving person is very weak and cannot cope, he may also die after his father. For this reason, you need to do everything possible to help your loved one get out of a difficult mental state.

Talk to a close friend

The father does not always play a secondary role (it is generally accepted that the mother has a stronger connection with the child). The opposite situation also happens, when the father performs maternal functions to a greater extent. In this case, it will be very difficult for the child to lose it.

At any age, he will need a friend, and this function is not always performed by blood relatives. It happens that the connection with them is not very strong or there is no mutual understanding, then it is necessary to find a person outside the family circle, but close enough to be able to talk about your experiences.

This is especially important for a teenager, because at this age it is more difficult to find understanding from others.

Talk to one of your relatives

Relatives do not always cope with emotions after the death of the father of the family. The child's psyche is especially susceptible to external influences. During this period, it is necessary to find among your loved ones a person who will support, but not condemn, not criticize for the way you experience grief (tears, refusal to leave the house).

See a Psychotherapist

No matter how actively relatives try to support a child who has lost his dad, or an adult who has lost his father, sometimes there comes a time when emotions get out of control. At the same time, a quiet, submissive person turns into an aggressor, and a more active one is in deep apathy. Other signs that allow you to understand that a man or woman whose father has died needs the help of a psychotherapist:

• nightmares at night;
• conversations about suicide;
• suicide attempts;
• fixation on certain thoughts and actions;
• forgetfulness;
• mental disorder.

Read forums dedicated to this issue and talk to people there

Today, quite a lot of information is available in consolidated access, on various topics, including psychology. There are also forums where people from different cities and countries gather to discuss the problem of the loss of a dad or another close relative. You can write asking for support and briefly describe the current situation. On the forums there are those who came for the first time, but there are also experienced ones - those who managed to live like this. They can share secrets about how they managed to survive the death of their beloved dad.

Find Solace in Faith

It will be easier for Orthodox Christians and believers of other faiths to cope with the death of their father. At the same time, a person turns to God, asks him for strength to survive trials, and takes them for granted. It’s more difficult for agnostics and atheists, because they look for the cause of a person’s death in other aspects: the people around them, themselves, the structure of society. It is necessary to visit the temple, light a candle for the repose of a loved one

. You can talk with a clergyman, ask for support and help.

Get a pet

When a person loses his father, but there is no family yet, he will need a living being nearby if the person lives alone. This will allow you to feel warmth and show concern for your neighbor. Giving energy during the period of grief is just as necessary as accepting all the feelings experienced. This will allow the soul to revive after a severe shock.

Guilt

Regardless of what the relationship was with dad, whether family members lived far from each other or close, because of which he died and other factors, a feeling of guilt comes to everyone who had to lose loved ones. This is how our subconscious tries to explain what happened. My thoughts pop up: “if I had persuaded him to go to the doctor...”, “if we hadn’t quarreled then...”, etc. It's part of the reaction to loss that you can't come to terms with. It is worth remembering that these feelings are not a real reason to look for the cause of what happened in your behavior.

Guilt is a symptom that appears regardless of circumstances.

We must remember that no matter how much we love the deceased, we, unfortunately, cannot foresee everything and direct his every step.
To miss something imaginary or real does not mean at all that the father was not loved. Wishing someone death and failing to foresee anything are two different things. It is clear that no one had any desire to harm his father. Therefore, there is no need to consider yourself guilty of his death.

Feelings of guilt after the death of a father can be directed not only at oneself. Questions may arise for other family members. If you just scroll through them in your head, you can really believe in someone’s guilt, direct or indirect. If these thoughts haunt you, during a conversation it is worth gently clarifying what the family member thinks about this. The main thing is to refrain from making accusations.

The purpose of the conversation is not to find someone to blame, but to get rid of thoughts that can deprive you of peace. If it seems that this conversation cannot be avoided, you need to choose your words very carefully. And you shouldn’t be surprised when you hear counter questions - most likely, thoughts about someone’s guilt arise in all family members.

In addition to guilt, there may be a feeling of missed opportunities. So much has not been said or done! Unfortunately, no one can be the perfect child for their father. This doesn't mean Dad wasn't loved enough. This means that all people are not ideal, and this must be recognized in relation to yourself.

Back to life

When the period of mourning for the father is officially over, the funeral is long past, in time the sons and daughters must be brought back to life. To do this, you need to change quite a lot of things in your life and perception. Help can be provided both by the people around you and by those grieving themselves.

Change your routine

After the death of dad, life is divided into “before” and “after”. When grief subsides, a person will be able to return to business, but most often this cannot be done under the same conditions. It is necessary to change the environment around, if the children lived with their dad in the same apartment or private house, and at the same time create a new daily routine.

Do things you've always enjoyed

You can try yourself in a new role, try yourself in other activities. This will allow you to fill your life with bright emotions, find a hobby or start a business that the children of a deceased father have long dreamed of. A change of environment, as well as new emotions, will speed up the recovery from a difficult emotional state. But such advice will only help if the grieving process ended naturally, the children of the deceased father accepted all the feelings and lived through the pain.

Quit drinking alcohol for a while

It is often more difficult to stop drinking alcohol amid grief if there is something left unprocessed after the death of the father. This may be guilt for what was said (“I wish my father dead”) or done (quarrel, disrespect). Also the cause is resentment for something the dad did during his lifetime.

Such emotions will slowly destroy a person. You need to understand how to forgive your deceased father, let go of anger, understand that the past is gone.

Keep yourself busy

A lot of free time opens up many opportunities for reflection, reminiscing, and grieving. But endless delving into the source of pain has negative aspects - the consequences are unknown: depression, unwillingness to live, apathy, etc. are possible. If the father has died, it is permissible to experience deep grief, but only at the first stage, when this process drags on for many months, years, this is a sign of depression, a complicated psychological condition. An activity you enjoy speeds up the process of dealing with grief, because it provides a more reliable support than anything else, and also distracts and gives positive emotions.

Do quiet things - this is very important

The state of the nervous system worsens with every stress. When the family cared for the dying father, and then buried him, they tried to survive the grief, their nerves were shaken. Some of your loved ones break down and get easily irritated, others get upset, cry for any reason, others fall into depression, apathy - all these manifestations intensify as soon as an even more significant load is placed on the nervous system. This means that it is important to remain calm when doing any work or communicating with people.

Don't rush yourself

Relief when experiencing intense grief does not come immediately. Moreover, the speed of recovery after the loss of a loved one depends on various factors: relationships with the deceased, cause of death, family ties. This means that you should not rely on standard deadlines, which are often specified by psychologists. When your dad dies, you can grieve, but you don’t need to delve into these feelings without the support of your loved ones, because it will be more difficult to return to life on your own.

Pleasant memories and words are important for the deceased

When a person dies, his soul is on earth for the first time, and then finds itself in another world, but it does not stop watching its loved ones, helping them, and supporting them. The living on earth often commemorate the dead; this could be enough. However, the priest can advise the husband or wife and their children to remember the deceased more often, and not to speak badly about him.

Period of reflection

Understanding of what happened can occur both soon after the funeral and several months after the death of a loved one. You can talk about comprehension at the initial stage or after a long time, years - it all depends on the grieving person. You should not try to speed up or slow down this process, it should develop naturally. As a result, after cremation and burial of the remains, a person realizes that he has lost his dad, although it will take 1-2 years or more.

Continue your father's work

In order to feel close to the deceased, to calm your grieving heart at least for a while, you need to find something to do that was common with him during his lifetime. This could be fishing, professional activity, etc. Deeds for the good of society will allow you to give energy: care, love. Then the memory of the person who died ahead of schedule will be preserved until the contract is broken.

How to let go of pain, leaving a bright memory

Psychologists give effective recommendations to help you accept a difficult situation:

• you need to experience the pain, not fence yourself off from it, not try to forget yourself, but at the same time you should not go to the other extreme - endless grief, it is recommended to experience all the feelings, observing your reactions, then over time the intensity of the pain will decrease;
• it is important to rethink what happened, learn a lesson, find an explanation, the reason for the loss, accept it, and also understand that little in the universe depends on a person, nothing belongs to him, which means it is important to be prepared for losses, to go through such tests correctly - with humility ;
• you need to communicate, after a while, willy-nilly, a person will be forced to appear in society, thanks to support, the stage of grief will end faster;
• you cannot avoid thoughts about death, the loss of a loved one - reminding yourself of what happened will allow you to quickly accept the pain and survive it;
• it is necessary to mentally separate from the deceased, then it will be possible to remember him much less often;
• do not feel guilty, accept the possibility of making a mistake, even if it is connected with a difficult situation when a loved one died - such events can be part of the great plan of the universe in relation to a person;
• we must remember that love has been preserved after the death of a loved one, the person himself is the focus of it, you just need to look deep into the soul, discover the ability to give warmth again;
• rest: full, healthy sleep is just as necessary for a grieving person as for any other person, but in this case it is important to restore mental strength as quickly as possible;
• find a hobby or return to previous hobbies: an activity, or even better, an activity that brings happiness, will partly fill the soul with new emotions, which will make it easier to experience grief;
• change of scenery: you can go to another country or visit new places in your city, where you wanted to go right now, this will reveal your desires, help you look at the situation differently, and find the strength to live through the pain.

How to write when dad died

If one of your loved ones received the sad news of death earlier (for example, a son or daughter), it is necessary to inform other relatives about this. To do this, consider the following options:

• by telegram - contains a short message;
• email – used only between colleagues, for professional purposes – to express condolences to the boss;
• through SMS messages, various instant messengers, which is the least suitable option, since the text is perceived detachedly;
• by phone - this option is suitable for those who cannot come, there are no other communication options (in remote regions, in case of bad weather).

The message is written using predominantly soft words and phrases with positive connotations. It is advisable to prepare the deceased - to come “from afar”, there is no need to immediately write the cause of death.

With death, life ends, but communication is not interrupted

It's not easy to be separated from those we love. Under any circumstances, the loss of a loved one is a great grief.

Amy Green, M.D., M.D., director of the Center for Spiritual Care at the Cleveland Clinic (USA), notes that with death, life ends, but communication does not end.

Adapting to a new reality takes time and is unpredictable. Grief is a unique process, just as every grieving person is unique.

At times, emotions are hidden behind a feeling of detachment. And sometimes you feel that everything inside you is shrinking. It also happens that you have a desire to smash into pieces everything that surrounds you. Other times you may feel something like peace.

That's why, as Dr. Amy Greene notes, it's important to be patient. Everyone has their own unique way of coping with bereavement.

Often people who are close to you do not understand what grief is and what it means to grieve. They may advise you to get busy. But often this simply postpones the emotional experiences that we all must go through.

We live in a culture in which a person is expected to quickly deal with grief, as if it were one of the obstacles in his life's journey. We just want to rise above it. But the truth is, says Amy Greene, that it's normal for anyone grieving to feel for long periods of time as if their whole world has turned upside down.

Be patient with the people around you who have good intentions but sometimes do not understand how the grieving person truly feels. It is difficult for the average person who has not been trained in how to help people through grief to understand that grief is a multi-step process. After all, mental and spiritual work, which psychologists call the work of sadness, unfolds gradually and in stages.

Question answer

A year has passed since death, and the pain has not yet gone away, what should I do?

Expert opinion

Lavrova Tatyana

Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist

The duration of grief after the death of dad can be different; it is impossible to predict how a person will behave if a close relative dies. But feeling pain for 1 year is a variant of normal, natural grief. In any case, the intensity of difficult emotions will be lower than at the beginning of the journey. You can forcefully speed up this process: get distracted by a new task, talk with loved ones, your confessor or psychologist.

How to change your attitude towards the situation?

Expert opinion

Nadezhda Dubrovskaya

Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow

Regardless of what feelings a person experiences, it can be difficult to return to life: when the love for dad remains very strong even after death, if guilt or resentment is felt, you need to understand how to forgive your deceased father. In such a situation, there is only one answer - you need to remember the positive moments more often; there are probably more of them than negative ones. It should be understood that the deceased father, even in the most difficult times, when there was no mutual understanding, wished happiness for his child.

How to release feelings and find peace of mind?

Expert opinion

Lavrova Tatyana

Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist

You should not put off all the feelings that the grieving person experiences. If a feeling arises (pain, resentment, anger, etc.), it cannot be replaced with others, hidden behind entertainment, activities. All emotions must be experienced, only after that will it be possible to find peace of mind.

Should I cry or not?

Expert opinion

Nadezhda Dubrovskaya

Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow

Society dictates its terms and tells you to run away from difficult emotions. But this is a road to nowhere; relief seems very far away in this case. You need to let go of your feelings, but in moderation. If you have any doubts, you can talk to the priest, after the death of your dad he will answer: “Humble yourself”, when the relatives want to see the deceased, “be patient”, if it seems that you will never see the person again, this is not so, there will be a meeting, but later. Understanding such laws will help you avoid depression, but you can cry if necessary.

Does my father's soul hear me when I talk to him?

Expert opinion

Father Pavel

Clergyman

The soul remains on earth until the third day after death, it sees loved ones and hears them. But the imperishable shell has the opportunity to observe relatives from another world if it is supposed to protect a living person. You can turn to your dad, even though you won’t have the chance to meet him again in this life.

How to live after the death of your father?

Expert opinion

Nadezhda Dubrovskaya

Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow

The main thing is to remember that after death a loved one still wishes happiness for their child. This thought should support the grieving person. It is necessary to remember dad, keep a few of his things as a memory. You need to communicate with people whenever possible, look for activities you like, this will allow you to take your mind off things. But it is also important to experience pain; at the same time, you can give energy: to help poor, homeless animals. When they do good to those in need, they forget about their pain.

How to cope with the death of your daughter's father?

Expert opinion

Lavrova Tatyana

Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist

You need to give yourself time to grieve. This rule applies to everyone: spouses, parents, children. Time has stopped while pain and other feelings are experienced. You need to seek support from loved ones, because it will be harder to go through difficult times alone, and there is also a risk of falling into depression and apathy.

How to cope with the death of your father from coronavirus?

Expert opinion

Lavrova Tatyana

Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist

A person who has lost his father experiences greater grief than someone who was left without a father who died from a long illness. When infected with the virus, death can be sudden, and relatives will not have time to say goodbye to their loved ones. In addition, the situation in the world leaves its mark, as well as the high risk of infection for healthy people, the inability to care for the sick and conduct a funeral service.

My husband’s father died, how can I support him?

Expert opinion

Nadezhda Dubrovskaya

Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow

The wife must show wisdom. You should not try to entertain the grieving person, force him to go to work to change the environment, especially if he does not like it. You need to give the person what he needs now: silence, silence, but you can stay close if your husband doesn’t mind; you can talk about the deceased or on an abstract topic. You should walk more, it is also useful to find something you like, a hobby.

How to help a child cope with the death of his father?

Expert opinion

Nadezhda Dubrovskaya

Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow

Children at a young age may not know what death is. The first thing you need to do is talk to the child, answer questions that may interest him: about death, the journey of the soul, the place where dad went. You cannot hush up feelings; you need to remember the deceased more often in order to preserve his memory.

How to survive your father's funeral?

Expert opinion

Lavrova Tatyana

Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist

You need to give yourself the opportunity to grieve at the coffin, the grave of your father. But there must be someone close to you to support and take responsibility for organizing the funeral. Often the silent presence of a loved one is enough, rather than a large number of cliched phrases that are usually uttered when expressing condolences.

How can a teenager cope with the death of his father?

Expert opinion

Nadezhda Dubrovskaya

Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow

Parents need to pay even more attention to their child than usual. It is important to answer questions that arise. If a teenager does not have close relationships with anyone in the family, it is important to seek support from the school: a teacher, a psychologist. Parents should set an example of how to cope with grief: you can cry, be left alone if you don’t want to talk, and you also need to share the feelings that arise and memories of your father.

After dad died, mom became unbearable

Expert opinion

Nadezhda Dubrovskaya

Practicing psychologist, Master of Psychology RGSU, Moscow

People may want to change, but they may not be able to do so. This often happens after the death of a loved one. A lot of difficult feelings come over a person, he cannot cope, which results in waves of aggression, irritation, and intolerance. This is the result of unlived feelings, when the mother refuses to accept the pain and is afraid of its magnitude.

How to survive the death of a father in Orthodoxy?

Expert opinion

Father Pavel

Clergyman

According to the canons of the Orthodox religion, a person needs to accept difficult trials, since they are often given to overcome the imperfections of the soul, as retribution for sins. In any case, you cannot blaspheme God, you need to accept what happened and pray about it. You should go to church more often, here the pain dulls, the need arises to cry, to talk about your feelings. This can be done by contacting a clergyman, having a conversation, asking questions.

How to cope with the death of your father from cancer?

Expert opinion

Lavrova Tatyana

Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist

When a person is sick for a long time, relatives still do not have time to prepare for his death or accept it. Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky advises not to rush to get out of the state of grief. You need to give yourself time, you should not speed up the natural process. When a person accepts pain and experiences other feelings, he must remember that it is not his fault. Moreover, the body is mortal, it is impossible to stop its destruction.

Stages of bereavement

At different times, psychologists J. William Warden and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified several main stages of living through a painful situation. They are similar to each other, but were originally designated under different conditions. Thus, J. William Worden identified the stages of grief for grieving relatives, while Elisabeth Kübler-Ross named the stages of grief for people faced with an incurable illness. But in both cases, the result can be the same, in addition, a person can get out of such states by taking the listed rules as a basis.

Shock

The first reaction is to withdraw from the information received about the death of a loved one. The human body helps avoid severe stress, which for many becomes fatal (leads to heart attack, stroke, etc.). Information that can cause such pain is not fully recognized as relating to a person. A relative of the deceased hears the spoken words, but does not identify himself with the person referred to in the message received.

Denial and shock are two mutual consequences when receiving news of the death of a loved one.

At first, the information does not reach consciousness, the person is in shock. Then he gradually comes to his senses. That's when denial kicks in. This is a type of psychological defense that helps you smoothly enter a painful situation, otherwise you can die. Moreover, at the stage of denial, awareness of what happened has already reached the subconscious. A person knows, understands or guesses that a loved one has died. However, the news does not reach consciousness immediately.

The second stage begins: resentment and anger.

This stage is no less emotional than the first. When the person who receives the sad news realizes what has happened, he is bombarded with a whole range of feelings and emotions, most of them heavy: resentment and anger. They are destructive, so those around you should treat the grieving person with understanding, help if possible, not react sharply to harsh statements, and not be offended in response, because at this time the person may not fully understand what he is saying and to whom.

This behavior is explained by the need to give vent to negative emotions.

Anger can be directed at any person around you: acquaintances, relatives, friends, and even passers-by on the street. Even the smallest reason is used for this. Another option is that anger is directed at oneself, which can cause great harm (from deep feelings of guilt to suicide). Resentment appears as a way of partial compensation for the enormous pain that arose in the soul after the news of the death of a loved one. If a person experiences negative emotions, he does not grieve so much on the external level.

Negotiation

When the first emotions become less vivid, they are replaced by hope for the return of the deceased, a change in the situation, and an improvement in one’s own well-being. The grieving person conducts internal negotiations: with himself, the deceased, fate, God. He is ready to promise anything in exchange for changing a difficult situation for the better. However, negotiations are the next stage of denial, when a person cannot accept what happened. Consciousness goes to any lengths to reduce the intensity of pain. But everything is in vain, so a feeling of hopelessness follows.

Despair

When there is nothing left in the soul, this emptiness consumes the grieving person: the vital source of strength (the loved one) disappears, there is no more joy, happiness, future - everything disappeared in an instant. Understanding this is accompanied by the emergence of despair, which is comparable in strength to a tsunami wave. There is no strength to fight this feeling, it is all-consuming, limitless. A person who has not encountered anything like this before simply does not have the spiritual means to overcome such an obstacle.

Support from loved ones after the death of a loved one is something without which it will be more difficult to move on to the next stage. But even alone you can really cope with despair; for this you need to change your worldview. When a grieving person looks at the situation from a different angle, he will find a way out, a way to help himself.

Humility, acceptance

Over time, an understanding of what happened comes. The reactions and feelings of the grieving person change. The pain has not gone away, but may have dulled and transformed. At this stage, the person himself wants to change the situation, get out of the current situation, and find new meanings of existence. He experiences conflicting feelings, but acceptance of the death of a loved one is already inevitable, even if guilt and pain are still felt, and the person often cries. The experience of loss cannot stop instantly, but the grieving person resigns himself, does not attack others, and does not fight for lost happiness.

Pacification

One day the final stage of grief ends. A person is reborn to a new life, he finds peace. But this does not mean that oblivion comes; he ceases to remember the deceased loved one. A loved one will forever remain in the heart, but at the same time peace appears. Throwing ends, negative emotions disappear. When a person reaches this stage, it can be said that he has naturally finished grieving.

First person stories

My husband died, my child was left without a father. He was 7 years old, a fairly grown-up son, but at the same time still so small. I told him to cry if he wanted, to talk to me when the need arises. And I also showed by example how I cope: I cried, but I could smile when I saw something sweet and beautiful. Yulia Menshova once said the same thing: you can grieve greatly in your soul, but outwardly remain relatively calm.

Alina Kuraeva

Zhanna Rybina

When the guy’s father died, I was there: I did household chores, because he couldn’t, and I helped at the funeral. We talked little, but stayed close and spent a lot of time together. I saw that this made my young man feel better.

After the death of her husband, she told her son that your daddy sees you from heaven and will not leave you, even if we can no longer see him among the living. The child took these words as an adult, I saw that he latched on to this thought, believed in it so that no one could take this faith away from him. And I myself also felt the presence of my husband, as if he had never left, but was still with us.

Svetlana Zhabina

The first days after the loss of a loved one

Life in new conditions

The funeral and wake have passed... Relatives and friends who supported and helped all this time are gradually returning to normal life, to their business. Their attention and care towards you is becoming less and less. And you are still grieving, and it seems like it will never end.

How to live further? How to adapt to a new situation? If you have already started asking yourself these questions, then you understand that you need to change something in your attitude towards life. This does not mean that you should forget the deceased or pretend that nothing happened. On the contrary, grief must be lived through, but with the least physical and emotional disturbances. What is needed for this?

People cannot stand the pain of others About what can be done for a person who has lost a loved one. Personal experience Tanya Peters

Psychology

First, try to realize at what points in your life you became most vulnerable - whether it is in the everyday sphere, emotional, perhaps professional. When you understand where the “biggest hole is,” it will be easier to close it. And, just as a small child gradually learns to walk, begin to cope with new tasks on your own.

For example, a man who has lost his wife, who did all the housework, can learn to manage the house himself, or he can turn to special services to maintain the comfort of the house at the usual level. Some will have to learn to cook, others will have to learn to make decisions. This is especially difficult if previously almost everything was decided for you, so do not hesitate to consult with authoritative people and contact specialists.

And another important point: in the first time after the death of a loved one , try to postpone for some time the resolution of global issues (buying/selling real estate, moving, etc.).

Grievances and emotions

With emotions the situation is more complicated:

Don’t listen to those who advise to “strengthen, hold on, take courage...” . Don't save up your tears! If you want to cry, cry, if you feel sad, be sad. Tears are a normal physiological reaction to pain, in this case to mental pain. This is a kind of emotional release. After crying, a person may feel exhausted, overwhelmed and empty, but he feels better. Know that you have the right to express your feelings and you don't have to make excuses for them. Be sure to explain to young children that your emotions are caused not by their behavior, but by grief for the deceased. If you hold back your tears, your child may try to copy your behavior without understanding the reasons for it, and subsequently will hold back any of his emotions. Just like yourself, allow the child to cry for the deceased if he wants to. Comfort him, talk to him, help him live through his feelings.

How to help a grieving child How a child perceives death and experiences grief at different ages, why it is important to take children to funerals, and the dangers of the phrases “poor thing, you’re the only one left” or “now you’re the boss in the house” Nikeya Publishing House Mikhail Khasminsky

Difficult Conversations

Consider who you can talk to about your loved one who has left you . If there is no such person in your environment, use modern opportunities for psychological support - for example, the Memoriam website, helplines, psychological help services. The main thing is to talk. About loss, about loneliness, about feelings, about fears... Don’t be shy about appearing weak, grief turns everyone into little helpless children for a while. Talk about the deceased with God.

Do not try to talk to the deceased . He is no longer physically around. Do not turn to the occult, do not listen to those who are trying to tell you about superstitions, omens, and so on.

Keeping a diary helps soften acute emotions . Write about your thoughts, feelings, and the pain of loss. Make it a rule to re-read what you have written after a while, and then try to analyze what has changed during this period of time. Which feelings have become more acute? Which ones, on the contrary, left? What have you learned? This kind of self-analysis will reveal your strengths and weaknesses. In the future, rely on what you are strong in, look for sources of support where you are unsure of yourself.

Another way to ease the pain is to write a letter to the deceased . Even if the death was not sudden, there is always a lot left unspoken and unspoken. Write. You need it, not him. If you haven't finished saying something important, you have the opportunity to do it now. Don't be afraid to appear ridiculous because there is nowhere to send the letter, you can simply burn it. It is important that the letter will help you free yourself from the burden of misunderstandings that you carry.

Supporting loved ones after the death of a relative: German experience When should you talk to a person who has experienced the death of a loved one, and when should you leave him alone? Why can a grieving person change from laughter to tears? How else can grief manifest itself? Katya Patker

international experience

If you don’t like to write, but emotions and memories are overwhelming, try this method. Place two jars next to each other. Prepare a number of small multi-colored balls and small pieces of paper. When you remember good things about the deceased, place one ball in the jar. This will be your memory bank. If you remember some sad incident, an insult, a quarrel, write on a piece of paper what you remembered, literally one or two words, roll the piece of paper into a ball and put it in another jar. This will be your jar of grievances. How long you do this is up to you. When you realize that most of the warm and kind memories are already “lying” in the memory bank, close it and put it where you see fit. Now all the bright memories are before your eyes. Look how many there are. When new grievances no longer come to mind, choose a day (perhaps it will be some date associated with the deceased) and burn paper balls - your grievances.

Be natural in grief . Don't let others impose certain behavior patterns on you. At the same time, do not refuse the help of loved ones if you need it. Trust your family and listen to yourself at the same time.

Be patient . No one can tell how long you will experience the pain of loss. Grief is like a surf - it will either recede, or rush in with renewed vigor. Holidays and family dates are especially hard to experience. For many years, pain can appear on the birthday of the deceased, on the anniversary of death, on New Year or Christmas. Don't hide from your feelings. Give free rein to your memories, order a memorial service in a church, pray at home, visit a cemetery.

Fear

One of the strongest feelings that can accompany loss is fear. Night or day, alone or in a crowd, fear comes unexpectedly and literally paralyzes you. What to do in such a situation?

It is important to understand that this is not the fear of an adult in a real dangerous situation, but rather a “childish” reaction to the unknown that surrounds you after the death of a loved one. To regain your “adult” state, to stay “here and now,” try the following.

When you feel afraid, first look around. After all, there is no immediate threat to your life and health? Do this: highlight five colors that surround you. What color is the ceiling? Floor? Armchair? Curtains? Your clothes? Look at any objects, but you must not just recognize the color by smearing it with your eyes, but identify it, perhaps name it out loud.

Photo: Oskars Sylwan / Unsplash

Next, select five sounds: a clock, a bird, a car outside the window, a TV - whatever you like, but there should also be five sounds. In the silence of the night, this could be the sound of your breathing, the beating of your heart, the rustling of a blanket, the wind in the leaves outside the window, the sound of water in the pipes... Listen carefully, each sound also needs to be distinguished and named.

Then listen to the sensation of your own body. Your hands - where are they, warm or cold, dry or wet with sweat? Legs are the same. Back of the head and neck area. Back. Abdomen and groin area. Feel all these parts of the body. Carefully, slowly. Then look around again.

For people who are visually impaired or hard of hearing, the distinction of color or sound can be replaced by tactile sensations of objects. Touch what's near you. Identify five different sensations - the wool of a carpet, the cool wood of furniture, the soft upholstery of a chair, paper wallpaper... Try to distinguish the subtle odors emitted by these objects. Usually this exercise returns a sense of reality in case of irrational fears.

Physiology

Now a little about the physiological aspects of grief. Today everyone knows about the connection between the emotional and the somatic (bodily). Deep experience can cause illness in the body. Grief manifests itself in a person's appearance. The grieving person is muscularly tense, tense, and cannot relax. Such tension can cause sleep disorders, which, in turn, leads to breathing problems, pressure surges, and heart disease. Muscle tension is best relieved by massage - and this is not a whim, it is a necessity! If you have previously had experience in body relaxation, then you can return to it now; if not, it is better not to start without the help of a specialist. Don't ignore your body's needs.

Try to maintain your usual daily routine . Don’t forget about food, but don’t go to the other extreme - don’t “eat up” grief. If the “urge to eat something” is uncontrollable, try to understand: are you really hungry or just need comfort in this way? If you lack emotional support, seek it from loved ones, friends or specialists.

Another vital need that must be met is sleep . If you can’t fix it on your own, consult a doctor for medication support.

The pace of your life is also a very important aspect. It is possible that during the period of grief you will not be able to perform all those functions that you could easily cope with before. Allow yourself to reduce stress , remember that stress negatively affects all areas of life. Get more rest. Evaluate which rest is better - active or passive. Don't be afraid to show weakness and don't feel guilty about it. You'll get back to your normal routine when you can, but for now just take care of yourself.

Time passes, emotions that did not allow breathing weaken and are replaced by others. You will always miss the deceased person, it’s just that the acute pain will be replaced by sadness and sad memories, and then they will become bright. This means that the most difficult period is over. Experiencing grief does not mean forgetting. This means learning to live fully after the loss of a loved one.

From the forum of the site memoriam.ru:

I went through the bulk of my son’s things before 40 days. I put his school uniform, some shoes, and a new, never worn down jacket in a huge box. A friend asked me to look for someone who needed things for a boy. The mother of one of her friends found a large family, and they handed everything over to her. I was later told that when the family received the things and the boy tried them on, the parents cried with happiness, because they themselves would never have bought such good things. I asked what the boy's name was. It turned out that Misha was like my son. This is such a miracle. I immediately felt surprisingly calm. For a while, of course. But I couldn’t part with the most expensive and memorable things and I don’t want to anymore. I take care of them.

M.

Healing Tears

Nothing in the world exists for nothing. And it is no coincidence that we are endowed with the ability to cry from birth. For example, for a baby, crying is the only way to attract attention. As children grow older, especially boys, they begin to feel ashamed of crying and cry less and less. But still, in the lives of each of us there are moments when even the most persistent men find it difficult to hold back tears.

Emotional tears are the body’s reaction to extremely difficult moments in life for the psyche: grief, resentment, disappointment, annoyance, pity, as well as joy, tenderness, tenderness and even a manifestation of love. True, tears of happiness are very rare; most people cry when they feel very bad. It’s not for nothing that people call such tears bitter. They are the ones who help our psyche cope with a difficult situation.

You could say that emotional tears “wash away” stress. Crying is inherently the most effective means of expressing human emotions.

Some people find it very difficult to bear the sight of other people's tears. The call “Don’t cry!” for them it is the only way out of a traumatic situation when they are unable to calm them down with anything else. After all, not everyone is capable of compassion. Many are simply lost, seeing the crying and sobs of the grieving, and do not know what to do or what to do.

Most often, they hope that over time the suffering person will cope with his grief on his own and does not need help in this matter. It's a delusion. Previously, people did not isolate themselves from those who were crying. The dead were mourned by the entire village, and these traditions were based on many years of folk wisdom. It was considered completely normal to pour out your pain with bitter tears. Then it would never have occurred to anyone to say to the grieving person: “Don’t cry!” And now you hear this very often. The main reason for such attempts at “consolation” lies in the fact that there is a pattern in our minds: if a person cries, it means he is in pain. I stopped shedding tears - the sadness went away. But that's not true.

And it happens that people themselves forbid themselves to cry. It seems to them that by giving free rein to their emotions, they will only make things worse for themselves and their loved ones. For such strong-willed people, crying means “falling apart,” and they cannot afford it. As a result, unshed tears do not disappear anywhere, but are driven into the depths of the soul, where they accumulate and accumulate. It’s difficult to imagine what unexpected consequences this will turn out to have, but it is clear that the grieving person’s body in such cases experiences great overload, and an emotional breakdown can happen at any moment. The conflict between the need to express one's feelings and the fear of expressing them leads to neurosis and depression.

Suppressing tears can also affect your physical health. The fact is that when emotions are blocked, muscle tension occurs, as a result of which the functioning of the entire body is disrupted. Any emotion is energy, and, according to the law of conservation of energy, it does not disappear anywhere, even if we try our best to suppress it within ourselves. Therefore, the best way to get rid of negativity and pain is to let them out.

Photo: Christian Newman/Unsplash

Experiencing grief at work How to help yourself when you have to experience acute grief and at the same time continue to work and perform your social functions Pavel Sapozhnikov

Psychology

You can allow yourself to grieve at work. The only question is whether colleagues will be able to be tactful and attentive, whether they will give the person as much time as he needs to recover from the tragedy. Unfortunately, many people only have enough for a few words of sympathy, and then the grief of others begins to depress them. What can I recommend here? As long as they sincerely empathize with you, share your pain. But even if there is no support around, you can hide your tears, but you don’t need to hold them back. There is always an option - to retire and cry. At the same time, do not be offended by those who do not sympathize with your grief; treat this with understanding and patience.

It also happens: a person would be happy to cry, but there are simply no tears. To relieve muscle tension resulting from suppressed feelings, there are various techniques and breathing exercises. But it is better to solve this problem with the help of a psychologist.

You can help yourself with moderate physical activity, for example, muscle stretching exercises and swimming. Also, any creativity helps a lot in these situations. We all know that women cry more often than men. This is partly due to social stereotypes. In our society, crying is interpreted as a manifestation of weakness, helplessness, and infantility. Boys are taught from childhood that shedding tears is shameful: “Be courageous, boys don’t cry.” Parents can be understood in this regard - they are pursuing an educational goal. But you still need to distinguish between the moments when it is appropriate to say: “Don’t cry,” and when it is necessary to accept the child’s tears and teach him to correctly express his emotions. By the way, the fact that representatives of the stronger sex live less than women is largely explained by their emotional restraint.

Yes, men by nature have such a trait of protective behavior as high control over the manifestation of any emotions, both positive and negative. But despite this, a man also needs help when grief befalls him. Advise him not to be ashamed of his tears and to cry when he wants to. It's so natural! If the grieving person is numb and cannot express his pain, you need to help him cry. It is worth remembering, however, that only cleansing tears are beneficial and healing for us, after which we feel relief. When a person is sucked into grief and despondency like a whirlpool, tears turn from healing to harmful.

Anyone who experiences the death of a loved one experiences sadness, cowardice and even murmur. This is a normal reaction of our psyche to grief. Danger arises when sadness gives way to despair—loss of hope. If a person has fallen into despair, then tears from a cleansing medicine for the soul turn into a nutrient substrate on which diseases of the soul begin to parasitize, making life unbearable. In this case, tears can become a way of life, which, of course, is not necessary for either the deceased or the one who cries for him. No matter how unbearable the grief may be, do not drive yourself into despondency and sadness. Remember that the reason for despair lies in the person himself - in how he perceives what is happening to him, where he draws strength from to overcome the difficult path, and whether he draws it at all.

From the forum of the site memoriam.ru:

My husband died on New Year's Eve. There is pre-holiday bustle all around, people are getting ready - buying food and gifts, but I am alone with my grief. Those who sympathized quickly sank into their lives. A “vacuum” has arrived.

I read that you need to let yourself cry, scream. And grief really burst out of me. On the way home from work, every evening I looked to see if the neighbors’ lights were on, to know if today I could let myself go in the room or sit howling in the bathroom with the water on. But in any case, as soon as she crossed the threshold, she sat down on a bench in the hallway and began howling and screaming, as soon as she closed the door behind her. After this it became a little easier to breathe.

On holidays and weekends, she would retire to the village and howl: “Where are you, my beloved?!” I am dying without you! I can not live without you!" It just happened that way. The cat also started yelling at me. And the stray dog ​​that lived on our street, which my husband loved and fed, also howled. And there is a holiday and fireworks all around. And no one probably suspected what was happening in a separate house, where the lights were on and it was as if they were celebrating the New Year. Some of my friends, not knowing about what had happened, sent congratulatory text messages. And I was alone with God and there were only animals nearby who sympathized with me.

And then one day, instead of the phrase “Where are you, my beloved?!” I suddenly, in a frenzy, automatically started screaming: “You are strong, you will endure it!!!” And so on several times. It was as if someone had put this phrase in my mouth. And then, having screamed, I realized that I could survive this. And she began to feel like a lone warrior whose goal is to win. Against all odds.

Svetlana

If a feeling of guilt tears your heart apart. In all the languages ​​of the universe, so different, we are connected by one dialect - the one that sounds in our hearts with the voice of pain. When we lose loved ones...

Pavel Sapozhnikov

Psychology

Don’t look for your fault in the death of a loved one

One of the most powerful feelings that can overcome a person after the death of a loved one is guilt. Many people feel remorse because they could not prevent death or were unfair to the deceased during their lifetime. They feel that if they turned back time, they would behave completely differently. This is usually expressed in endless questions to oneself: “What if I had come to him earlier?”, “What if he had not flown on that plane?”, “If we had not quarreled, she would have stayed at home that day... "

This reaction to loss is quite natural. In a person’s soul, acceptance of what happened struggles with denial, which is why he comes up with endless options for the development of events that would not lead to a tragic outcome.

People generally tend to look for explanations for every event. But if we talk about death, it is very difficult to predict.

Sometimes people experience a feeling of guilt towards the deceased, although there is no guilt. For example, a husband, at the request of his wife, decided to replace a burnt out light bulb - and he was electrocuted. The wife feels guilty. But she could not foresee that misfortune would happen! If a person thinks that everything depends only on his forethought, he takes on too much. This is not conscience, but pride, a sin that must be gotten rid of. People with adequate self-esteem understand that not everything in life obeys them.

However, the bereaved person often perceives the situation inadequately and exaggerates the degree of his involvement in the death. This is similar to the so-called “magical” thinking, which is very developed in children, and in adults it manifests itself in critical situations. Sometimes those experiencing the death of a loved one may believe that their bad attitude towards him (nitpicking, dissatisfaction, rudeness, etc.) provoked his illness and subsequent death. And if they also happen to hear from someone a reproach like “it was you who drove him into the grave,” then the severity of the guilt increases.

Or the wife sometimes regretted in her heart that she had connected her life with her husband, and thought: “If only he would disappear somewhere!” And if suddenly the husband dies unexpectedly, the wife may think that it was her thoughts and desires that “materialized” and the blame for what happened lies on her conscience.

We all say bad words to each other, do bad things, make mistakes. But some try to correct them and understand that they are not omnipotent, while others think that everything that happens around them is caused solely by their behavior. These people suffer the most from guilt and do not understand that this is simply the other side of their self-destructive egocentrism.

Sometimes, unknowingly, our consolation can hurt very painfully. This is not taught at school, it is rarely taught in the family.

We invite you to take a test that describes common situations when support is needed. The test is based on articles about grief and consolation published on our portal.

Check how ready you are to lend your shoulder. Perhaps you will understand how to do it better, or recognize your mistakes.

Guilt can take many different forms. Thus, psychologists talk about survivor's guilt - the feeling that we should have been in the place of the deceased or that we do not have the right to life, since he is no longer with us. Many people experience guilt associated with a feeling of relief that a loved one has died - for example, if the deceased was sick or suffered for a long time before death. However, in this case, a feeling of relief is a completely expected reaction.

There is also the so-called guilt of joy, which occurs long after the loss. It is connected with the fact that after the death of a loved one, happiness appears again in the lives of his loved ones. For example, a widow who met and fell in love with another man may experience such guilt. In this case, we should remember that joy as such is a healthy experience, a sign that we are living a full life.

Journalist Anna Danilova - about the loss of her spouse, a new family and an opened door “The very fact that another person has the experience of loss already makes you feel better - at least you understand that this did not happen to you alone. Because at first it seemed like the sky had fallen on your head alone.” Anna DanilovaPortal “Orthodoxy and Peace”

Personal experience

It is believed that the degree of our love for the deceased is measured by the strength of our grief. Therefore, some people are seriously worried that the image of a loved one is gradually being erased from their memory. They think that this indicates their indifference - and this, in turn, also causes a feeling of guilt. But the degree of love and the strength of grief are not at all identical things.

The idealization of the deceased can also contribute to the increase and maintenance of feelings of guilt: when one’s own shortcomings seem terrible, and the bad traits of a loved one are ignored. The feeling of one’s own badness against the backdrop of the “immaculate” image of the departed only aggravates the suffering. Often, those who are grieving look for confirmation of their guilt in all sorts of signs, omens and even in dreams. It seems that everything around us reproaches us, reminds us of our guilt before the deceased. But try to analyze these signs as objectively as possible, and you will discover an amazing pattern: the more attention we pay to them, the more of them appear in our lives. Moreover, most often these are not some unusual things, but the most ordinary phenomena to which for some reason we attach new meaning. A person may see an ordinary dream (for example, how he talks with a deceased person), but will give it a special meaning. Don't believe omens! In a state of grief, a person easily succumbs to temptation. Remember this and try to keep a sober mind.

If you cannot cope with feelings of guilt for a long time, you may need the help of a psychologist.

From the forum of the site memoriam.ru:

I lost my mother just recently. I always insisted on taking my parents to the dacha by car, but for some reason I didn’t insist that day. Mom said that in such beautiful autumn weather it would be a sin not to walk from the train, and I gave in. I thought, let my parents take a walk and breathe some air in the forest. On the way to the dacha, my mother was hit by a car.

Of course, I blamed myself for not insisting, for letting some go, and then I read that blaming yourself after the death of a loved one is normal, almost everyone does this, and almost no one has any real guilt.

In general, many things that seem very personal and completely unbearable during loss (guilt, pain, anger, resentment, unwillingness to live on, indifference to oneself) are common to everyone or almost everyone. And when you understand this, and at the same time you understand that all those who live nearby - they, most likely, have already encountered grief at least once, and went through it, and continue to live - it becomes easier.

Irina

However, you should not classify any persistent feeling of guilt towards the deceased as a pathology. The fact is that guilt can be different: existential and neurotic. Neurotic guilt is imposed from the outside and then transferred by a person to the internal plane - we gave examples of such guilt above. Existential guilt is caused by real mistakes, when a person really did something “wrong” or, on the contrary, did not do something important for the deceased. Such guilt is absolutely normal and speaks of a person’s moral maturity. It is necessary to distinguish the fruitless feeling of guilt from the voice of conscience.

A healthy sense of guilt signals that we have violated our moral code, committed a crime and are now obligated to correct the situation. The latter is very important: if you do not go beyond admitting your “guilt,” you can get stuck at the stage of self-blame, then a healthy feeling will turn into an evil, destructive force. The feeling of guilt must be transformed into creative activity.

The worst thing is when a person gets “stuck” in a state of self-flagellation, considering it a Christian virtue. In reality there is no virtue here. Healthy self-reproach for a Christian differs from self-examination in that the first evokes a desire to work on oneself, while the second plunges one into despondency and hopelessness.

The main difference between a normal feeling of guilt and a pathological state is moving forward. Having admitted his responsibility for what happened, a person must sincerely repent. If you want to atone for the deceased, change your life. Try to live at least a little as the Gospel teaches. And the strongest support for the soul of the deceased is prayer. And, we repeat, there is no point in constant self-reproach. We must try to regain the lost joy of life, and not fence ourselves off from it. Instead of torturing yourself with accusations, it is better to honor the memory of your loved one in your heart and, having accepted what happened, move on.

Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh:

Some time ago a man of over eighty years old came to me. He sought advice because he could no longer bear the torment in which he had lived for sixty years. During the Russian Civil War, he killed his girlfriend. They loved each other dearly and were planning to get married, but during a shootout she suddenly leaned out and he accidentally shot her. And for sixty years he could not find peace. He not only cut short a life that was infinitely dear to him, he cut short a life that blossomed and was infinitely dear to the girl he loved.

He told me that he prayed, asked the Lord for forgiveness, went to confession, repented, received a prayer of permission and received communion - did everything that his heart told him and those to whom he turned, but he never found peace.

Overcome with ardent compassion and sympathy, I told him: “You turned to Christ, whom you did not kill, to the priests, whom you did not harm. Why did you never think of reaching out to the girl you killed?” He was amazed: “Isn’t it God who gives forgiveness? After all, He alone can forgive the sins of people on earth.” Of course it is. But I told him that if the girl he killed forgives him, if she stands up for him, then even God cannot ignore her forgiveness. There is a place in the Book of the Prophet Daniel where it is said that Daniel offered up a prayer and God answered him that his prayer was in vain, because an old woman, offended by him, prayed against him and her prayer nailed his prayer to the ground, like a strong wind - smoke , not allowing her to rise up.

I suggested that he sit down after evening prayers and tell this girl about sixty years of mental suffering, about his empty heart, about the torment he had experienced, ask for her forgiveness, and then also ask her to intercede for him and ask the Lord for peace in his heart if she has forgiven. He did this, and peace came...

From the book of Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh “Life and Eternity. 15 conversations about death and suffering"

How to survive the death of your daughter's father, advice from a psychologist

Khalzanova Svetlana Borisovna

Practical psychologist

Parents need to remain calm so as not to frighten the child. The father is very important for a girl, so you should be attentive to her feelings: - tell what happened (without details, understandable to the child), answer questions as honestly as possible; - you can cry together, but you should not throw a tantrum with uncontrolled expression of emotions and tears; - you can go somewhere together more often, do what your daughter likes, go for walks, but you don’t need to constantly overwhelm her feelings with entertainment.

Death as a terrible physiological and psychological process

According to research, death does not occur immediately. Many processes occur in the body, which are accompanied by alternate failure of various systems. This is how dying manifests itself - a special term that more accurately describes death. This means that the death of a person does not occur instantly. But the external manifestations of life are completely absent. However, new information does not give hope to the relatives of the deceased person. They begin to grieve as soon as they stop breathing and their heart stops.

Religion that describes the peculiarities of the soul’s journey can give hope for the continuation of life. The incorruptible shell remains next to the body until the funeral, and after that it can become a guardian angel for a loved one. But in moments of intense grief, even this does not bring relief, because people more often perceive life through material rather than spiritual aspects. After death, a difficult period of experiencing pain begins.

It’s scary to find yourself “face to face” with it, so wrong steps are taken to heal the soul: people avoid suffering, replace it with entertainment and communication. You need to look for answers to questions within yourself.

How to survive the death of your beloved dad - advice from a priest

Father Vladimir

Clergyman

The first piece of advice is to give yourself time to process the grief, and a few weeks or months is not enough. For a believer, questions of death are not common. The pain becomes unbearable for a person with weak religious foundations. He can concentrate on the accompanying negative feelings: resentment, anger. This is wrong, such behavior leads away from true faith, because the one who is offended, like the one who is offended, carries within himself a particle of God, which means that denial of any person is a sinful act. We need to be more tolerant towards the dead, including. They cannot answer, but they hear, and therefore they should talk more with the soul of the deceased, pray for it.

What can't you do?

“My dad died. “I won’t be able to live as before,” this is what most children think in the first time after the tragedy and go to great lengths. Rethinking the situation and coming to terms with what happened comes much later, but before that moment you can make a mess. What not to do if your dad dies:

1. Distance yourself from the world. We all need to be hermits sometimes. But when loneliness becomes not a means of calm, but a habit, it can become dangerous. If you withdraw from the outside world, you will begin to engage in self-criticism, your worries about the death of your dad will turn into obsessive thoughts. And all this together can lead to serious consequences. There is a high probability that you will miss your happiness in your personal life or gradually go crazy.
2. Abuse alcohol. Dousing your melancholy with strong drinks will not solve the problem, you will not revive your dad, and you will not become a callous person indifferent to the death of your loved ones. Alcohol, of course, will help you forget for a short time. But the effect is so short-lived, and the melancholy that comes after sobering up is so strong that there is simply no point in drinking alcohol after the death of dad. In addition, there is a high risk of starting to drink on a regular basis in order to deafen your brain again and again and not feel mental pain. Alcoholism clings to people who have had misfortune, and in a depressed state it becomes very difficult to get rid of the addiction.
3. Refuse food and sleep. Many grieving children, after the death of their parents, refuse to eat and get little rest. Such actions are bad for health and can lead to various diseases, both physical and mental. Lack of appetite is not a reason to completely refuse food. Eat small portions of what you enjoy most. Follow a daily routine and try to get enough sleep. Take medications, if necessary, to improve sleep quality, after consulting with your doctor.
4. Live by memories. Of course, you have something to remember from the period of time when your father was alive. Childhood, fun family holidays, wise advice - all this is wonderful, but life goes on, despite the death of dad. You are here, in the present, and not in the past, which can no longer be returned. You won’t be able to help but remember your father, but don’t get hung up on these thoughts either. Try to think about how you will live in the future, look for motivation, new hobbies and ideas, look for your meaning in life, even if you have to look at the tragedy from a different angle.
5. Blame yourself. “My beloved dad died, and I am to blame” - such thoughts probably slipped through the minds of most grieving children. You can argue as much as you like about what you could have done and what you could not have done in this situation, but everything happened the way it happened. This is how fate happened, and the likelihood that it is you who are to blame for the death of your beloved father is negligible. Give up self-flagellation and mentally ask your dad for forgiveness for everything, if your soul requires it. Don't take responsibility for something you couldn't change.

The death of your own father cannot pass without a trace, but even this tragedy should not break you. Be strong, calm down and come to terms with what happened. A little more time will pass, and your mental pain will turn into bright thoughts and memories of your beloved father.