The death of a loved one is a difficult test that can befall anyone. No matter how strong a person is, the loss of a loved one is a powerful psychological blow that must be met with humility, because nothing can be changed. Tragedy puts obsessive thoughts into your head: “How to survive the death of a loved one? How to continue to exist without him? And most importantly, why?”
Against the backdrop of deep emotions, depression, neuroses, and phobias often arise. A bereaved person often drives himself into a corner, from which only competent psychologists can help him get out - people take the death of a wife or husband so hard.
We are all born and die, but as long as we are alive, it seems that our parents, spouses, children, friends, and acquaintances will always be with us. We naively believe that our loved ones are eternal. But death is merciless and sooner or later it takes each of us to itself. This is a given from God, just like life. The more clearly we understand this, the easier it becomes to cope with the loss.
What to do if your husband or wife dies?
Every person who has been able to survive the death of a husband or wife goes through several psychological stages of awareness, such as:
- Pain: the news of the death of a spouse is shocking, causes insurmountable suffering, and in one second the husband or wife ceases to exist. It is not yet possible to fully comprehend the news.
- Denial: when the death is known for certain, this stage almost always occurs together with the first - it is impossible to believe what happened. If, for example, the husband died in a hot spot, then the wife until the last moment cannot accept that this is true, and will do everything to convince herself of the opposite. She begins to think: “Maybe this is a joke?”, “What if he is still alive?”, “They could have confused him with someone.”
- Aggression: after a funeral, when there is no longer hope, the psyche begins to search for those to blame. The spouse is looking for the reason for what happened, is angry at the world and at those who continue to enjoy life.
- Depression: the understanding comes that it is impossible to bring back the deceased. Not realizing how to live after the death of a husband or wife, a person loses interest in the world around him and the desire to do anything.
- Acceptance: everyone inevitably comes to this stage sooner or later, some may recover faster, others longer.
Psychologists are of the opinion that living through all stages should take no more than a year, otherwise you will need the help of specialists.
Each person, as a bearer of individual psychological characteristics, experiences the death of a loved one in different ways. But the first months after the funeral are the most difficult for everyone. This is the time when mental pain clouds the mind so much that you can break a lot of wood. It is during this period that it is very important to have close people next to you who will support you and will not let you do anything stupid.
Remember: life is not over, the world remains the same as it was. You will have to relearn how to please yourself and your loved ones, especially if you have children. Now you are their only parent and must give them twice as much love. Until you learn to be happy again, you will not be able to give warmth and care.
Here are some tips for coping with the death of your husband or wife:
- Allow yourself to live the pain the way you need it
The first time is hard for everyone, so don’t beat yourself up and give free rein to your feelings. There is no need to be ashamed of tears and grief. Any tragedy needs to be lived through, to throw out what has accumulated in the soul. Go through all stages of recovery as your heart requires. Emotions are the most important tool for experiencing pain, so there is absolutely no point in pretending to be an “iron lady” or a “brutal man.” When the trauma is deep, do not refuse the support of your loved ones: cry, speak out, share your grief. Your family will understand you and help you make the “recovery” process calmer.
Loneliness does not help cope with depression; it drives you even deeper into a state of hopelessness.
- Limit contact with people you don't like
When communicating with others, avoid contact with those who aggravate your psychological state. In this already difficult time, not everyone can support. If someone is unpleasant to you, limit yourself to accepting condolences. Sometimes it is better to talk to a stranger than to talk to a distant relative who will negatively affect your condition.
- Don't abuse alcohol
“Getting drunk and forgetting yourself” is definitely not the way to deal with the death of your husband or wife. This is not a solution to the problem, but another problem in your life. Trying to drown your sorrows in wine, you can end up with an additional problem - alcoholism. If you think that alcohol can dull emotional experiences, then you are deeply mistaken. On the contrary, it is a strong depressant that negatively affects the central nervous system. It has been scientifically established that people who drink alcohol have a much harder time coping with stress, stay depressed longer, and are more likely to make destructive decisions.
- Take care of your health
Psychological trauma is stress for the whole organism. Do not aggravate the situation, because your health is not in the best condition right now. Try to eat a regular and balanced diet, walk more, breathe fresh air, sleep at least 8 hours a day, drink a lot of water. Turn your attention to your health, physical activity helps a lot with this. Start going to exercise regularly - playing sports provokes the production of endorphin, the hormone of happiness, and adrenaline, with the help of which the body copes with stress more easily.
Remember: sport is an excellent way to shift your attention and cope with depression.
- Don't be ashamed to keep living
When a husband or wife dies, the worst thing is the realization that you can’t do anything about it. Then the widower tries to somehow gain a sense of control over the situation. Often this role is played by guilt. Almost everyone who has lost a loved one goes through this. This is especially acute in people who had a chance to die along with the deceased (for example, in an accident), or in those whose partner committed suicide. The feeling of guilt is expressed by the fact that the widower is angry with himself because his loved one died, and he continues to live. Relatives of those who committed suicide blame themselves for not coming to the rescue in time, not supporting, and not being attentive enough.
Remember: life is a gift. If you have the good fortune to be in this world longer than your spouse, it is better to make your joint hopes come true than to torment yourself with guilt for something you will never get back. Forgiveness is the path to healing.
Dealing with stress alone is quite difficult. If the support of loved ones and our advice do not help you get out of depression, you should turn to specialists. The help of a good psychologist is also necessary if the process of returning to your former life has been significantly delayed.
Breaking up according to the rules
Larisa lived with her husband for about 15 years, they raised two girls. The daughters were 8 and 11 years old when Larisa’s husband left. She was on vacation in another country when he texted her to tell her that he was leaving for another woman. By the time they returned, his things were no longer in the house. Larisa seemed to have fallen into a stupor: she did not believe that this was the end. She tried to call him, then that one, then the other one. At first she waited. Then I wrote about it on social networks so that all my friends would know. She complained to his mother.
The husband was ready for only one thing - he remains a father, wants to see his daughters, and can take them on weekends. Larisa couldn’t agree to this: “If you did this, then your daughters don’t need you!” No, she didn’t forbid them to talk on the phone, but it became clear to the girls that it was better not to do this: mom would find out what dad said, then get angry and say very bad words about him, and then start crying. When dad tried to come take the girls to the movies, there was a disgusting row.
Of course, Larisa was very worried. She even closed the door to their shared bedroom, moving into the girls' room. The door to the bedroom was blocked by furniture - a chest of drawers had been placed there. “He died for all of us,” says Larisa. The girls feel very bad: one has developed asthma and often suffocates, the other has joint pain so bad that she cannot walk.
You can already see how different these grief situations are. If a person dies, his image is most often idealized. He is seen as a “saint” – an “iconostasis” made from his photographs appears in the house. If a separation occurs (even if the initiator was a woman), there is a lot of anger in the man’s attitude, and he finds a way out in various “ugly” actions, for which he is then ashamed. And the man is not dead, he reacts just as violently!
In both cases, the woman rebuilds her relationship with the man.
In the event of death, she learns that he is “in her heart,” “communicates” with him mentally, and learns in reality to do without his usual help. She leaves a place for him in her soul, gradually beginning to understand that she may have another relationship. This is a relationship not with the person himself, but with his image. As for the breakup, especially when there are children, you have to build relationships anew with all the real options for material support, communication with children, use or division of common property.
Sometimes women who come to work with the topic of separation admit: “It would be better if he died: he would grieve and that’s it. And only good things could be said to children.” For some, this thought horrifies and plunges them into guilt, but in this case the chances of building civilized relations in the future are greater. If a woman hangs around in her hatred, she transmits this to her children, who get sick, suffer and feel unhappy. After all, every child is half from mom and half from dad. If the idea is imposed that dad is bad, then you yourself, it turns out, are half bad. And this is difficult to live with.
When should you see a psychologist?
- Despair
When depression reaches such a stage as despair, and the widower is not able to independently go through all the stages of living the pain from the death of her husband or wife, it is time to turn to a psychologist or psychiatrist. The choice of specialist depends on the psychological state of the widower. Despair can develop into severe mental disorders. Psychologists can cope with post-traumatic syndrome and neuroses, but only a psychiatrist can cure more severe mental disorders, such as phobias, obsessive states, psychoses that reach schizophrenia. If loved ones notice alarming symptoms in the behavior of a widower, they should sound the alarm and not let the situation take its course.
- Suicidal thoughts
Due to the loss of a husband or wife, the psyche is destabilized. Some begin to feel that the best solution is voluntary death. Thoughts of suicide bring out the strongest negativity on others. This is why those who have been trying to help a widower for a long time often begin to distance themselves from him: it is very difficult to resist negative attitudes. Close ones abstract themselves, trying to instinctively protect themselves from destructive negativity. This can be a fatal mistake, since the psyche of a person who has experienced the death of his wife or husband can push him to commit suicide. Such people urgently need qualified help. Under no circumstances should you turn away from a person in such a state, it is dangerous for his life. According to statistics, most suicides occur due to the death of loved ones.
- Denial of loss
This is a defense mechanism that tends to take different forms. It can be expressed in denial of the very fact of death, its significance or irreversibility. After the loss of a loved one, one way or another destroys the connection with the deceased, but sometimes the psyche fails, and he unconsciously tries to get in touch with the deceased: out of habit, he begins to call him, talk about him as if he were alive, and see him in the crowd.
In some cases, widowers try to keep everything as it was with the deceased. For example, husbands leave their wife's dressing room in the same condition as when she was alive, putting her things in the same places. This behavior is normal for the first time after the funeral; it creates a kind of “buffer” that softens the loss. However, if this continues for months or years, you should consult a psychologist, since denial of loss can develop into more serious psychological disorders.
- Uncontrollable emotional reactions
Against the background of stress, inappropriate emotional reactions may occur: hysterics, uncontrollable laughter, tears over “trifles.” For example, a woman who has lost her husband may cry for hours over a broken plate or laugh in a completely inappropriate situation. This is due to the suppression of emotions. If a widower is not able to fully give vent to his mental stress, it may manifest itself in an inadequate form. Such deviations are characteristic of introverts who cannot share their experiences with others. In order for a person of a closed personality type to fully experience grief, he needs the help of a psychologist.
- Extreme weight loss
This symptom indicates that a person is unable to perform basic everyday tasks. The death of a wife or husband is so unsettling that the spouse forgets to take care of himself and maintain important biological functions. Loss of appetite is common to people who have experienced a serious shock in life. But when this period drags on, and even external changes in the body are already evident, you need to seek help.
Attention: if you cannot cope with the bitterness of loss alone, you should not be afraid to go to specialists. This is a competent and sure way of healing from the heavy burden of losing a loved one.
How to survive the death of a loved one: advice from a priest
Father Vladimir
Clergyman
God gives tests according to one's strength. This means that everyone can cope with pain and grief on their own. But most often people feel sorry for themselves, and this is partly correct, because who else will feel sorry? But they go too deep into this state. Then a feeling of defenselessness arises; the person cannot cope with grief on his own. Priests help with words, which are more effective than any deed. Faith helps you overcome difficulties; you must sincerely accept the will of God. But it is also important to seek support from spiritually close people. Even the silent presence of an understanding person heals the wounds of the soul.
Mistakes that women make
Trying to fill the space with just anyone
Should not be doing that. As soon as you are alone, you don’t need to immediately call your girlfriends or install a dating app. Superficial connections, dates to fill space, and strangers will not help you find happiness or help you understand yourself.
If you don't learn your lesson, nothing will change. Instead of getting enough of yourself, you will only become scattered and waste your last crumbs of energy.
Thoughts: “I don’t want relationships with men”
A bad breakup can leave a scar on your heart. No one promises that it will heal quickly. Perhaps your ex-man was not the best representative of the human race. Perhaps he hurt you or insulted you. Maybe even your mother inspired you: “All men are assholes!”
Just don't interpret the negative characters you've met as all men. What you think about is what you attract. If you are convinced that there are only ill-mannered, sexist boors around, then you will meet such people on your way. Then don't be surprised.
Don't be afraid to open up to new things. Start thinking differently. Not the way we're used to. Include more positivity, joy, and openness. No one is going to hurt or offend you on purpose, believe me!
Reluctance to analyze the past
If you simply endure a period of loneliness, live through suffering without drawing conclusions, then it is unlikely that you will be able to build a happy life further. Every situation (especially unpleasant ones) that happens to us is a lesson. If you don't understand the first time, it will hurt more.
This is why it is so important to force yourself and mentally relive the situation. What was the reason for the divorce? What emotions did you experience? What could have been done to solve the problem less categorically?
Pros of loneliness
№1
Energy. Think about how much time, effort and patience a woman spends to maintain a relationship. Especially when living together. Cleaning the house, reconciliation after conflicts, the ability to give in on time... You must adapt to the other person: what movie to watch, when to go to bed, with whom to spend the weekend, how to spend the family budget.
If you are alone, all this is left to you to decide. You can see a friend, go to the store, or spend the whole day in bed. And there will still be strength left!
№2
A free woman gets more pleasure from life. You can say “no” if, for example, you didn’t like the sex. You may never see each other again if you quarrel. Without a husband, you are able to choose with whom you want to spend the evening... And not be afraid of how he will react, whether he will call it “cheating”, or whether he will decide to take revenge.
№3
Being alone for some time, alone with themselves, women without men begin to love and respect themselves more: space, time, resources. You will finally be able to open your inner world, better understand your character, realize what you like to do? What places to visit?
It may turn out that the list turns out to be the complete opposite of the one you followed when you were with a man.
№4
You should not be afraid of loneliness for the reason that it is not forever, but will also end. Instead of grieving, it is better to enjoy.
