7 worthwhile tips from a psychologist on how to survive the death of your mother

This Saturday, February 17, will be 20 years since I lived without my mother. I was 22 in 1998 and am now only two years younger than she was when she died. I often think, trying this opportunity on myself: so that now, when it’s so interesting, everything would just come to an end!? Well, there is another feeling that lives on all the years - orphanhood and irreparable loss. Over the past year, with the help of specialists who act as experts in the article, I was able to work through this trauma of mine, and that is the only reason why a resource appeared to write such a complex text.

Parents leave before their children, and that's normal. It's much worse when it's the other way around. And everyone will have to endure this loss - it is impossible to prepare and understand its scale in advance. In my wide circle at that time, this happened to me, it seems, the first time, and then, when some friends’ mom or dad left, they said: “Yes, now I understand you.”

Religion is not the answer

A common misconception is the idea that religion provides comfort to the living and relieves the fear of death. Of course, it saves, but in a completely irrational way. Since no one in the world knows what will happen after the end of life, there are many versions of this. Religious ideas about hell and heaven are also a version, a popular one, but is it reliable? If you have been honoring your God since childhood (it doesn’t matter what religion you profess), then it is difficult for you to accept the idea that not a single clergyman knows what will happen to you after death. Why? Because no one has ever left here alive and no one has ever returned from there.

Hell in our imagination is depicted as a completely inhospitable place, and therefore death can be frightening for this reason. We are not asking you to give up your faith, but no faith should inspire fear. Therefore, there is another answer to the question of how to stop thinking about death. Give up the belief that after death you will have an inevitable choice between hell and heaven!

What to do if you feel guilty?

Guilt occurs when a person believes that their actions or inactions have somehow made a situation worse. Psychologist Edward Kubani has found that people who have experienced a traumatic event often distort their role in it. For example, they exaggerate the degree of their responsibility or think that they did something wrong. These are distortions of our thinking; they can be noticed in the process of introspection or analyzed together with a psychologist.

Clinical psychologists Matthew Valley and Hardeep Kaur, in an article for the Psychology Tools website, suggest this exercise to cope with feelings of guilt:

Write down on paper your regrets and everything you blame yourself for.
Try to look at your feelings with compassion. We all have regrets and we all make mistakes, but relationships aren't all mistakes and regrets.
Perhaps you can take a broader view and give yourself some kindness, like you would a dear friend. Ask yourself:

If your mother could hear and see how sorry and guilty you are, how would she reassure and console you?
What would a dear and wise friend say to you?
If another person felt regret and guilt, what would you say to them?

Talk to your friends and family about how you are feeling, they may be able to support you.

Olga Shaveko

Women often come to me with regrets about not having time to talk to their mother, with unspoken grievances. In this situation, it helps to write a letter and express in it everything that was not possible during life. You can do whatever you want with the letter: leave it, burn it, tear it up. If you feel that one letter is not enough, write more.

Sometimes people feel guilty because they think that they somehow did not care for the patient properly or were not there enough. There may be guilt, and it is normal to feel it, but it is important to understand that it should not overwhelm you. “If I had acted differently, everything would have been different” - no. While a person blames himself, he does not accept the fact of loss, he goes over in his head the moments of how everything could be corrected.

To avoid self-blame, it is important to remember that you did not know the consequences and could not have done anything differently. Even if you had a fight with your mother the day before, you can look at it this way: the decision you made then was the only possible one in those circumstances.

Yulia, 25 years old

My mother raised me quite authoritarianly. I was angry with her and could wish her death. Mom died when I was a teenager. I thought I caused her death with my thoughts. Guilt plagued me until I worked through it in therapy as an adult.

The destruction of the illusion of children's omnipotence helped me; I realized that I could not influence my mother's death with my thoughts. I have now been going to therapy for over a year. But I still have a feeling of guilt for wishing her harm, and I continue to work with it.

Allow yourself to be sad sometimes

So, let's imagine that a year and a half has passed since your mother died. You miss her a lot, especially when you go to visit your father. You're holding up pretty well. You can laugh and smile when you tell your children what your mother told you as a child. You can also play her favorite songs and sing as loud as she sang. You can even say that you are doing well.

But some days are harder than others. One day you may wake up and want to hear your mother's voice. You'll want to call her right away and hear her laugh. You want to laugh together. Your mother probably had the best sense of humor of anyone you've ever known, and you really need it.

Psychological support is one of the foundations on which help for a grieving person rests.

When a person understands that he cannot get out of a difficult situation on his own, he should look for support outside: from relatives, girlfriends, friends, “comrades in misfortune.” It is important to find those who were in the same situation, who know how difficult life became when my mother left. Such people are not always among your loved ones: they empathize, sympathize, but experience different feelings due to a different degree of relationship with your mother. If there is no friend who would understand this condition, it is better to go where you can find true help - to a support group, if there is one in the city.

Psychological assistance during periods of grief

Psychologists do not agree with the opinion of the church that any grief is useful and urge not to delay going to specialists during difficult emotional periods or after the loss of a loved one.

Let's consider the stages of feeling for the deceased. People experience grief in several stages. Grief for the deceased is marked by mental pain and longing that clouds the consciousness. These feelings are accompanied by intense experiences that sometimes the human mind cannot accept. A deep shock can leave an irrevocable imprint on the soul.

How a person lives these experiences depends on his emotional connection with the deceased, age, character, gender, mental health, and fortitude.

Having received sad news, a person experiences a deep shock. There is a denial of what happened. Next comes anger and rage. Relatives of the deceased are looking for the culprits. They may be angry with themselves for not being able to prevent the misfortune that happened. Relatives often feel guilty that they did not spend enough time with the deceased, did not ask for forgiveness, or did not visit enough.

A person begins to experience grief, boredom, and a feeling of hopelessness. The person then accepts the loss. Sadness gradually dissolves, forcing one to continue living without the deceased.

A person in grief is not able to immediately accept the fact of death. And this is regardless of what kind of loss it is - mother, father, friend, sister, brother, wife, husband, beloved grandfather or grandmother. With the support of loved ones, the mourner slowly lets go of the situation, remembering the bright moments spent together.

If a person constantly visits a grave, keeps things and furnishings in the house, and does not realize what happened, then this can lead him to a mental disorder. In this case, the help of loved ones and a psychiatrist is necessary. On average, grief for the deceased is observed throughout the year, then a gradual return to life is noted.

How to deal with a person who is sad? During the period of mourning, you just need to be close to your loved one who is experiencing grief, give him time to realize what happened

It is important to understand that a person is experiencing a powerful emotional shock. At the stage of anger, there is no need to restrain him from screaming, crying, or breaking dishes.

Let his open aggression be shown rather than attempts to harm himself.

During a period of depression, it is advisable to always be nearby, show tact and attentiveness to the person experiencing grief. You should allow him to cry, talk out, pray if necessary, so gradually he will get rid of his depressive mood

It is also important to monitor your diet and health. You can remind the mourner about his loved ones who need his communication and attention

The loss of a loved one is devastating, causes deep sadness, and provokes depression. Prolonged depression can keep the body under stress. Prolonged stay in this state increases the risk of developing psychosomatic disorders. Diseases of the cardiovascular system (headache, increased blood pressure, spasms) often occur. In such cases, the bereaved person needs medical assistance from a therapist.

Relatives should also be alert to the following signs in the mourner:

– thoughts about the meaninglessness of life;

– depression that occurs after a year from the death of a loved one;

– isolation from society;

– denial of what happened;

– inappropriate reactions.

If one of the signs occurs, it is advisable to seek help from a psychiatrist.

Remember your mom

This subtitle, of course, sounds somewhat ridiculous. Of course you will remember your mother. She was your mother! But that's not what this is about. It's about remembering what kind of person she was and constantly consulting her in your thoughts.

People who lost their mother spent months remembering her as a perfect person who was by far the greatest mother who ever walked the earth. Mom was a wonderful person, but let's face it, she was just a person! A few months after you decide to move on, you may have memories of the real mother you grew up with. She probably wasn't perfect, and you didn't always get along. She could be unfair to you quite often, and you were not always patient with her. Most likely, she herself would not have liked the posthumous idealization, because she perfectly understood what kind of person she was. By thinking about this, over time you will understand how to accept your mother's death.

Yes, remembering bad times is not always easy. Regret may rear its ugly head, rearing up in your soul and polluting it with its foul vibes, but now there is nothing you can do about it. You can't push it away because, like grief, it will find you. As they say, it is what it is. Your mother knew that you loved her very much, and you knew that this love was mutual. You probably didn't have a perfect relationship, but you ended up being there for her. You watched her take her last breath, just as she watched you take your first. She was your mother. Good, bad or absolutely ugly... She was your mother, and you loved her.

What to do when your mother dies?

It’s clear that you don’t want anything during such a period. Although right now you need to do everything to make her feel how much you love her. If your mother dies, then while she is alive, shower her with tenderness. Try to spend more time together during this period. When your mother dies, you should think only about her, and not about yourself. She needs support during this difficult period. What to do when mom dies? It is necessary to fill her last months, weeks and days with joyful moments so that she understands how much you care about her. It is possible that this will help her spend more time in this world.

When a mother dies, it is useful to pray for her and light candles for her health. So it is possible that you will be able to extend her days with you. You can also invite a priest to advise your mother.

Chronology of the loss

The first few days after your mother's death will seem like some kind of unpleasant dream. You will act automatically, which is very typical for people in a depressed state of mind. On a purely automatic basis, you will organize funerals, contact relatives, console family members, and continue to perform necessary tasks. “Numb” is the perfect word for this period. Funerals will come and go, as will relatives and other well-wishers.

After the funeral, it's time to get back to normal life, right? Wrong! Life will never be the same again. It will simply become different, but it will never be the same as it was. How could this happen?

During the first few weeks, your friends and colleagues will be very polite and courteous to you. They will give you lots of smiles and hugs. They will definitely invite you to dinner and listen to you talk about how bad your pain is. During this time, you will hear a lot of advice on how to survive the death of your mother, but none of them will be truly effective.

After a couple of months, you will feel like people have forgotten that you have lost this important part of your life. They will stop asking how you are and may even seem worried and embarrassed when you want to talk about your mom. You see, people who have not gone through this pain think that the period of grief should pass on its own, that's all. After some time, you should be ready to move on with your life and figure out for yourself how to calm down after your mother's death.

Controlling obsessive thoughts

If thoughts of death are constantly swirling in your head, they can become dangerous. It's normal to talk about it with friends or sometimes think that if something happens to your loved ones, it will be difficult. But if you imagine how the body decomposes, or constantly project the pain that a person supposedly experiences in the last minutes, then there is nothing healthy here. There is no need to bring your thoughts to obvious obsession. For example, there are people who sleep in a cemetery to try to feel what it is like to sleep underground. Is this normal? Of course no! Therefore, you should not bring yourself to such a state. Everything should be in moderation, even if we are talking about rather sad thoughts. So try to concentrate on life. Don't put yourself into completely groundless depression. There is so much beauty in life, so it’s simply a pity to waste it on gloomy thoughts that still can’t change anything.

How to support yourself after loss?

Different actions may be required at different times after a loss. Clinical psychologists Matthew Valley and Hardeep Kaur recommend:

Carry out any rituals. Rituals help you understand the reality of what happened and find your meaning in it.
Express your grief, sorrow and other feelings. For example, keep a diary and record your experiences in it.
Tell the story of your loss and grief, for example, write your story on social networks. This is also a way to reflect on experiences and get support.
Write a letter to your mom about what you wanted to say and didn’t say. This will help express feelings.
Be in touch with your emotions. Many of us are good at suppressing emotions, so feeling them can be difficult and unusual. You can imagine every emotion as a part of yourself. For example, the part that is angry and the part that is afraid. Distinguishing your emotions is important to understand what is happening to you and how you can help yourself.

Olga Shaveko

The better a person understands himself, the easier it is to support himself during periods of grief. Support is a word that everyone understands differently. You can understand what kind of support you need by remembering what kind of support you had in your family, or by asking yourself what kind of support I expect. Often we do not ask ourselves such questions, but expect from loved ones that they should know what and when to say.

Sadness and crying are normal and appropriate to the situation. Many people find it difficult to allow themselves emotions, because there is a feeling that if you let yourself go a little, you will never stop crying. The grieving process occurs in waves, sometimes it’s very difficult, sometimes it becomes easier.

And often society, people who support, try to distract, say that life goes on and we must hold on. You can try to get away from emotions for a while, but they will still cover you. Then trivial situations like spilled tea can cause sobs. At such moments, it helps to go to a psychologist to create a safe space for living emotions.

You can say: “It’s important for me to cry.” Explain that this helps to cope with the loss. It is difficult for people to simply be there and hold the hand of a crying person. I want to do something and help. But being close can be the most important thing.

If loved ones violate your personal space and devalue your feelings, it is important to find a time and place for yourself where you can experience emotions. For example, agree to see a supportive friend more often. It is better to reduce communication that makes you feel bad.

Yulia, 25 years old

My mother died when I was 12 years old. I stayed with my dad and grandmother. It was a stressful period, conflicts began in the family, and soon my grandmother left.

For a long time I repressed my feelings about my mother’s death. There was a moment at the funeral when I wanted to cry and join in the general feeling of grief. One of my mother’s friends said that I should not cry so as not to upset my grandmother. I never managed to cry, and for a long time after that I didn’t cry at all. And repressed grief.

When I was at university, it became more and more difficult for me to pass papers. I came to therapy with a request about difficulties in studying, and at the very first session I began to talk about the death of my mother and cry. In therapy, I felt better, and I began to work with unlived and blocked feelings.

How to survive the death of your mother: advice from a psychologist

The moment came when I felt that I didn’t know how to survive the death of my mother; I needed the advice of a psychologist like air. For many, this awareness of the need for outside help does not occur immediately, but after a certain time. For me, this stage came after six months of melancholy.

It would seem that it was time to come to terms, but for some reason it only became harder for me, and I began to collect information that would help me get out of depression:

1. Don't be alone with your grief. Even if you want to lock yourself at home and cry, look for someone with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk. You are going through a difficult emotional period and it is normal to seek support from others. It may be awkward for the other person to continue the conversation for fear of causing you additional suffering. Don't ask for active dialogue. Your task is to speak out, share your feelings of longing and memories. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you feel that you need the help of a professional psychologist.

2. Don't try to speed up the grieving process. Don't rush to get your life back on track, give yourself enough time to accept the situation. Don't compare yourself or listen to others compare how long it took someone else to mourn. Each situation and each person is individual: some can smile after a week, others remain in apathy for years.

3. Keep the memory of your deceased mother. Yes, she is not around, but she will remain in your heart. Record fond memories of her, treasure her favorite little things, learn to bake a pie using her signature recipe. Collect stories related to her from her friends and acquaintances. This will help replace the pain of loss with a feeling of light sadness and establish a connection with your mother on a new level.

4. Take care of your physical well-being. Grief is very exhausting and leaves an imprint on your health. Allocate 7-8 hours to sleep, eat normally, and at least occasionally engage in physically active activities.

5. Analyze which moments without your mother hurt you the most. Perhaps you always went shopping together before. Or on Sundays we went to the cinema. Or every evening we had a tea party with our favorite cookies. Make a similar list and try to avoid such situations alone - invite friends, call relatives. Fill the void with communication!

6. Change your usual schedule of activities and hobbies. If you used to meet with your mom on weekends, sign up for yoga classes at this time. Find a new hobby, meet interesting people, visit unusual places in the city.

7. Remember that your mother did not want to hurt you by leaving. Imagine what emotions she would experience looking at her child’s happiness! Live life to the fullest as if it were watching you from above!

There is nothing new or unusual in the advice of a psychologist on how to survive the death of a mother. But it happens that it is a recommendation, opinion or hint received from the outside that opens up the path of mental healing for you, forces you to re-analyze the situation and your condition and find the strength to live on.

What to do if everything around reminds you of your mother?

It happens that it is difficult to come across constant reminders of your mother. And if you lived together, her things would be everywhere: a toothbrush in the bathroom, laundry in the laundry, a mug in the kitchen. But throwing things away or putting them away can be even more difficult than looking at them.

If mom's room remains untouched for many years after her death, it may maintain the illusion that nothing happened. This is bad because a person can remain in denial that his mother died.
Olga Shaveko

Co-founders of the grief portal What's your grief? They advise you to sort things out like this:

Call friends or family members for help. Ask them to collect and throw away things that are definitely not valuable (uneaten food, personal hygiene items, laundry). You can also ask them to help you collect and sort the rest of your things. For example, you can put things in different boxes:

save for yourself;
leave for others;
sell;
donate, give;
throw away;
things that you can't decide yet.

When sorting, it can be difficult to decide what to do with things. It is important to take breaks; there is no need to sort everything out at once.

You can ask yourself questions:

Do I have room for this item?
Do I need to save all items? For example, if your mother collected porcelain figurines, the collection may take up a lot of space. Then you can keep a few figures for yourself and give the rest to relatives and friends.
Can I take a photo of this item? Sometimes it is difficult to part with an item, even if it is necessary. In this case, you can take high-quality photos of the item and keep them as a souvenir.
Can I make something valuable out of these things? For example, you can make a bedspread from prints of old T-shirts.

Important things for you, photographs, letters can be put in a special “memory box”. Find a suitable storage space and schedule times when you remember Mom and look through the items in the box, such as on death anniversaries and birthdays.

After a loss, especially in the first weeks, it can be difficult to return to activities that involve mom. For example, going to your cafe, mom’s favorite dish, cycling along your route. It is important to gradually regain the opportunity to visit your favorite places and do your favorite things in a new reality where there is no mother.

Here's a way to gradually confront situations that trigger memories:

Make a list of places and activities that remind you of your mother. Rank the situations from the simplest to the most complex, causing a lot of feelings.
Make a plan for how and when you will begin to face the situations you have been avoiding. To make it easier, ask a friend or close family member to go with you.
Be gentle with yourself, it's best to start with small steps because it may be difficult to face the reminders again.
If you notice difficult emotions arising, try to slow down and describe these emotions, feel where exactly in the body they are felt most strongly. This will help you get in touch with your emotions.

"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"

The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep soul-searching and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone turns to religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone punishes themselves with a feeling of guilt, scrolling through their heads scenarios of what could have been, but never happened .

The following signs indicate the onset of the third stage of grief:

frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine guidance (among esotericists - about fate and karma); visiting houses of worship, temples, and other energetically strong places; a state of half-asleep-half-awake - a person keeps getting caught up in memories, replaying scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past in his head; often the prevailing feeling is one’s own guilt towards the deceased (“mom died, but I don’t cry”, “I didn’t love her enough”).

During this period, if it drags on, there is a high risk of losing most of your friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away.

From a psychological point of view, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Bitterness, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have previously kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of one’s grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disrupted, and the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats in excessive portions). Signs of mental and physical decline are clearly expressed.

Bitter loss

Nothing can prepare a person for this terrible loss. Over the years, you may have many friends who have also lost their mothers. You will be sad for them, and they will be sad for you, because you all have one thing in common: you do not know how to come to terms with the death of your mother.

It doesn't matter what exactly is written in this article. Unless you have lost your mother, you will not fully understand the depth of grief. Pain hurts deeply and it hits you at random moments. One minute you'll be fine, and the next you'll be curled up on your bedroom floor in incredible mental pain. If you've lost your mother, you're probably sitting there nodding your head in agreement. And you still haven’t figured out how to survive your mother’s death.

Reaction to the death of a person

Psychologists divide the experience of grief into several stages. The periods coincide with the dates of commemoration of the dead in Orthodoxy. How a loved one overcomes this path depends on his gender, age, character, health, fortitude and emotional connection with the deceased.

Shock and shock. The period of denial of what happened at the time of receiving sad news.
Rage and anger. Relatives of the deceased are looking for the culprits. They worry and are angry with themselves for not preventing the grief that happened.
Guilt. People understand that they spent little time on the deceased, did not ask for forgiveness, or rarely came to visit.
Depression. A person begins to get bored, grieve, and a feeling of hopelessness appears.
Adoption. Sadness gradually dissolves, forcing one to live on without the deceased.

A person who grieves cannot immediately understand and accept the fact of death. Be it the loss of a mother, father, brother, husband, wife, grandmother, beloved grandfather.

With the support of his best friend and family, the bereaved gradually let go of the situation, cherishing the wonderful moments spent together.

Parental departure hurts at any age: is it possible to prepare, stages of acceptance?

A person grows up and then grows old. Relatives do not notice the moment when these changes have already happened. My mother was not sick and remained active. She died of a heart attack very quickly. At that moment, I was already a mature, accomplished person with my family (husband, children). But her death still took me by surprise. I just stopped breathing for a moment. It was that hard.

After a while, I analyze my behavior at the moment of receiving terrible news, I see that the reaction is always the same: in childhood, in the period of maturity and even in my own old age. It doesn't matter how old you are. The pain of losing a mother is equally strong, because this is the closest person, she remains like that throughout her life. There is no way to prepare for something like this, no matter how much training you take.

While you read such words, you think that you will definitely have time to prepare, because there is still a lot of time. But this is a misconception. I suggest focusing on ways to help yourself in difficult times. First, it is necessary to consider the stages that a person goes through after terrible news:

1 THE FIRST REACTION IS UNPREDICTABLE. It varies and depends on the person’s temperament, character, and also on the degree of his openness and closeness with the deceased. It happens that a mother does not allow her to live her life, but her son/daughter is reserved and, due to the circumstances, has a closed character. As a result, the reaction to death is as follows: detachment and coldness appear—protection from severe pain. Other people, on the contrary, react loudly and emotionally to such an event: they cry, scream.

2 ANGER AND RESULT. Strong emotions are looking for a way out. When I worked with my psychologist, he said that if this does not happen through tears, then anger and resentment often appear. This reaction is also due to character traits. A person is looking for someone to blame in order to unleash the power of his pain through hatred. He may blame other people or himself for the death of his mother, and be offended by his mother for leaving her. In the most severe cases, a person does not stop and takes revenge. This is the path to destruction. The situation is aggravated by a change in the financial situation, which can be caused by the death of a woman.

3 FEELING OF GUILT In the previous case, grief forced me to look for an outlet for emotions outside. Then the focus is on one’s own mistakes made when communicating with the mother. This does not allow you to calm down and let go of your loved one. Blaming oneself often leads to an increase in the intensity of pain, which manifests itself not only in mental but also physical pain. At this stage, it is difficult to pull yourself together, cope with emotions, stop tears, and start doing something.

4 ACCEPTANCE AND REORGANIZATION Often the emotional state changes naturally when a person fully experiences all the feelings at each stage. As the psychologist said, disruption of this process requires further adjustment of the psychological state. But those who have gotten rid of negative experiences still manage to improve their lives. The recovery process is long. It is impossible to predict how long it will take to reorganize life in each individual case.

How to help someone cope with the death of their mother

Someone simply needs help, because a person cannot cope on his own with the death of such a close and dear person. And others do not want to see anyone, preferring to experience what happened alone.

A person who decides to support an orphan should know the following:

Willingness to listen is not an imposition. It is necessary to be close, but not try to force a person to have a frank conversation if he does not want it.
In moments of grief, people become very emotional. An orphaned person can be hurt by the most innocent word, to which he would not have paid attention before. You should be careful in your statements.

If a person whose mother has died becomes increasingly emotional, he should hint at a visit to a psychologist or a trip to church. This is done gently and tactfully, without pressing on the orphaned person. In theory this is easy to maintain, but in practice it is quite different. A person is not always willing and ready to accept support.

Analysis of the mourner's behavior

Grief is not a way of life, but a process. If it turns from ordinary grief into a complication, you should sound the alarm.

The four stages of normal, uncomplicated grief look like this:

The presence of dynamics of the human condition.
Periodic retreat from painful reality.
Six months after the death of the mother, the grieving person begins to show the first positive emotions.
The phase of acute grief is replaced by a return to a full life.

If six months pass and there is no dynamics, this indicates complicated grief. There is such an expression as “frozen in grief.” A person begins to think that he cannot be happy, thus he betrays the memory of his mother. It’s even worse if the orphan says that his life is over, stops caring about his appearance, and neglects his home. In this case, you need to seek professional help.

How to support loved ones who are also experiencing loss?

Many people find it difficult to find words that are appropriate. Here are the phrases cited by psychologist Sergei Shefov as an example of what you can say to a grieving person:

"How do you feel?" is an open question that gives the grieving person the opportunity to speak out.
“I'm sorry this happened” and “I don't know what to say, but I want you to know that I feel this way with you” are ways to express your feelings.

Olga Shaveko

You and your loved ones may not be in the same stages of grief. For example, one person is in the stage of aggression and protests against what happened. And the other one is sad. And it seems to the first that the second doesn’t care at all and doesn’t support him. It is important to understand that you experience grief differently. You can seek support from people who are not affected by grief.

You can be there and allow emotions to show, ask what support is needed. Do not isolate a person from life, for example, if he feels the strength to go to work, support his decision.

It certainly doesn’t help to ignore the topic of loss and expect that after the funeral a person will live as before. Because then it will be difficult for the grieving person to cry and be sad next to you. He may brace himself to hide his emotions, but this will only increase the tension between you.

Stages of Grief

Some of the five stages you will have to go through:

Disbelief. When a mother leaves the world, her child, regardless of age, does not believe what happened. It seems that all this is a dream, my mother just left the house and will return soon. Even on the day of the funeral, standing in front of an unearthed grave, a person refuses to believe what happened. It feels like everything that’s happening is a bad dream.
Addiction. Time passes after my mother's death. The one who lost her begins to slowly get used to his mother’s absence. But the awareness of death never appeared; out of habit, my hand reaches for the phone to call my mother. I want to share something with her, talk, come visit (if living separately). And then, the person remembers that there is no one else to go to, no one to talk to, since his mother is no longer there.
Humility. Gradually, the orphan begins to come to terms with the death of his mother and realize the loss. And then, along with pain and bitterness, a feeling of guilt comes.

One of the most difficult periods is self-reproach, guilt before the deceased mother.

Such different dislikes

Maternal dislike can be expressed in different ways. For example, in detachment
. The mother is not at all involved in the child, is not interested in him, and maintains her distance with all her might. There is no warm emotional exchange between them. At the slightest opportunity, a woman entrusts the child to other people - father, grandmothers, nannies. The child feels that he is assigned a secondary role in his mother’s life, and concludes that he is “somehow different.”

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Dislike can manifest itself in aggressiveness

. So, if a woman has gone through a difficult divorce and is overwhelmed with negative feelings towards her ex-husband, she begins to see the child as a continuation of his father. This results in rude or cruel treatment, demands that are not according to age, reproaches: “If it weren’t for you, your father and I would not have gotten married” or “Because of you, I can’t arrange my life.” Such a child feels guilty and gets used to thinking that there is something shameful about him, something worthy of condemnation.

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It happens that a mother gives preference to other children

. She treats her pets more affectionately and more often expresses care and concern. They receive coveted and more expensive gifts. In such a situation, the child suffers from a strong hunger for love, attention and is desperately jealous of his “rivals.” Sometimes envy develops into hatred not only towards a brother or sister, but also towards the mother. A person can carry the conviction “I am not worthy of love” throughout his entire life.

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Another option for dislike is overprotection

.
“Excessive care through food, cleanliness, excessive control in school causes aggression in a child, because his emotional needs are ignored, his feelings are not accepted, his voice is not heard,”
explains Anna Khidiryan. The mom who “knows best” is actually busy suppressing her severe anxiety. She is focused on herself. As a result, the child feels abandoned and unloved.

What to do when your mother dies?

What to do if your mother died? Death always takes you by surprise. The fact that a mother has died is difficult for a child to accept, regardless of whether he is ten years old or 50. It may even take a couple of years to realize what happened. After death, you will often remember your deceased mother. Moreover, memories will emerge at the most inopportune moment. During such a period, you will really need support. It is possible that you will miss her from people. But the point here is not indifference, but the fact that they are simply afraid of hurting your soul with their words.

Sometimes you can get the opposite effect by waiting for help. At the same time, in reality, people wanted the best for you. If your soul is heavy, then ask a close friend to just listen so that your soul will feel at least a little easier.

If your mother died, how to live on? We need to prepare ourselves for a future life without her. You should not be alone for a long time with your experiences and thoughts. There is no need to rush to quickly return to the life that was before the tragedy. First of all, you won't succeed. Since life has already changed after the death of the mother, and this fact cannot be ignored. Secondly, you need enough time to mourn. People need different amounts of time. After all, each person had his own relationship with his mother, and death can be different.

Therefore, in any case, give time to adapt. Then gradually return to activities and activities that bring you joy. Believe me, a mother would never want her death to end her child's normal life.

Questions and answers

It is not always possible to find something that will help you survive the death of your mother. Sometimes a word changes everything, you get over the tragedy faster, you immediately begin to be drawn to people, if before you wanted to be alone. I would like to offer a selection of questions that my friends and I often asked when we lost loved ones and, above all, our mother.

I have nightmares after my mother's death. How to stop feeling guilty?

Expert opinion

Father Pavel

Clergyman

Advice may vary, depending on the religion of the person grieving, but it is best to follow several steps in sequence:

light a candle for the repose of your mother, pray, and you need to ask for the repose of the deceased;
you can go to the churchyard, which helps, here you can talk to the deceased soul, ask not to disturb, especially if you often have the same nightmare;
You should write a letter if it is difficult to express some grievances, complaints, feelings out loud, or if you are simply uncomfortable talking to yourself.

If a mother dies on her daughter's birthday, what does it mean?

Expert opinion

Remontnikov Vladimir Petrovich

Religious scholar, historian

There is no definite answer, because there are 2 opposing points of view. You can choose your option according to your religion:

a mother dies on her child’s birthday: according to esotericists, the karma of the family is launched, which is like a relay race - a person has not coped with the tests, has not worked out his program according to fate, passes it on;
opinion of the clergy: there is no connection between the death of parents and children, one should not look for it, this is superstition.

Talk through your grief, don’t withdraw into yourself. From the outside it may seem that people are avoiding you, but this is not so. They simply don’t know what to answer you, how to support you so as not to aggravate the pain of loss. So just start the conversation with the phrase: “I need to talk now, please stay close and listen to me.” Try to find a person who has already experienced the death of a loved one, or talk about this topic with a priest or a professional psychologist.
Get creative. The pain that has accumulated inside you must find a way out. It is impossible to express it or cry it all out. But you can express it in your creativity. Try painting pictures or embroidering with beads. You can also start writing a book or poetry. Choose any creativity that is close to your spirit.
Start helping others. Caring for others makes you feel needed. It brings you back from heavy thoughts to reality and fills life with new meaning. You can take care of lonely old people, animals, children left without parents.
Occupational therapy. Physical work, especially in nature, helps to distract from gloomy thoughts. You can plant a beautiful garden, start building a house, etc.
Think about your mother only in a positive way. Try to remember only the good things, how your mother was happy, how happy she was, what she was proud of, where she visited and what she saw. You can even fulfill her deepest wish. For example, visit an exotic country, attend a concert of your favorite star, visit friends from your youth.

It takes time to get over your mother's death and let go. Of course, you will never be able to completely forget about your loss. But the day will definitely come when you think not “what a pity that mom left,” but “what a blessing that she was there”!

Arina, Petrozavodsk

Peak of Pain: How I Get Through Days of Sorrowful Memories

The birthday or death of your mother, as well as any other date associated with a deceased loved one, is the most difficult to get over. Weekends were no less difficult for me, when there is more time to reflect on memories. Simple recommendations will help you cope with your worries: 1

1 YOU NEED TO SHARE: if you keep the pain inside, it will find a way out, but not in the most acceptable way (through aggression, hatred, etc.), so you need to talk about feelings with loved ones;

2 IMPORTANT to experience negative emotions, not to turn a blind eye to them, not to deny the possibility of such feelings;

3 YOU NEED TO AVOID SITUATIONS, things, objects that will cause sad memories, you should understand the difference: if you remember your mother, keep the memory of her, you need to avoid triggers (factors that provoke a new wave of grief);

4 YOU CAN’T LOCK YOURSELF AT HOME, spend time in bed, you need to get up, put yourself in order in order to feel movement, then consciousness will switch to the environment, and not to experiences;

5 IT IS IMPORTANT TO DO WHAT COULD Bring pleasure, joy; you should not try to force yourself to do something that causes negative emotions on this day;

6 YOU CAN CREATE NEW TRADITIONS IN THE FAMILY, which will allow you to replace the old ones, and if the old foundations cause pleasant nostalgia, then there is no need to break them, on especially difficult days you can devote yourself to a business, an activity that will be done in honor of your beloved mother (make a charitable contribution on her behalf, to help the poor, etc.).

Analysis of the mourner's behavior

Psychologists note that in the first two weeks after the tragedy, virtually any reaction of orphaned children to grief is considered normal, be it a state of disbelief and apparent peace or aggression unusual for the target. Any feature of behavior these days is a consequence of the process of restructuring attachments in that part of a person’s life that the mother has so far occupied.

A sudden feeling of emptiness in nature does not always mean death; it also serves as a signal to us about a sudden loss. This explains the unstable behavior of people who, after the death of their mother, either fall into a “waiting mode” or begin to blame others for injustice. The image of a loved one appears to them in the crowd, his voice is heard from the telephone receiver; sometimes it seems to them that the sad news was wrong, and everything remains the same, they just need to wait or get the truth from outsiders.

If the mother's relationship with her children was contradictory and ambivalent, or showed strong dependence on both sides, the experience of grief may be pathological and expressed in an exaggerated reaction or delayed emotions. It is also bad if, in addition to the process of natural loss, anguish of a social nature is added: what will relatives think, how will they perceive the mourning of an employee in the work team?

Experts insist that no difficulties in understanding the situation by others should affect a person’s psychological need to go through all stages of grief at a measured pace. If the mourner has an urgent need after the death of his mother to complete some things that were important to her and spend time solving her lifetime problems, then this must be done. If he wants to live a little more according to the rules she once established, he cannot be prevented from doing so.

Over time, understanding the importance of leading your own full life and competently placing emphasis in favor of pressing problems will transfer the attitude towards the image of the deceased mother to a deeper, spiritual level. As a rule, this occurs a year after a family tragedy and is the natural end of the mourning period

Don't Set a Time Limit on Your Grief

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no set time limit for the process. The old saying “time heals all wounds” is not entirely accurate, but it is not entirely inaccurate either. No one can accurately answer the question of whether the wound after the loss of a mother will ever heal. The pain becomes more bearable over time. But how long should this take? No one can say for sure. Don't try to speed up this process. Don't rush to get your life back on track, give yourself enough time to accept your loss.

Sooner or later, however, you will come to an understanding of how to learn to live after the death of your mother. It usually comes spontaneously. After months or even years of depression, you suddenly wake up one day with the full understanding that you need to move on, that you want this more than anything in the world. That your mother would really like this too. After this you will feel much easier.

Smile and live your life

At some point after your mother's death, you will find reasons to smile again. This is one of the greatest things we can do to honor our moms and the love we have for them. Find the joy of life again. Laugh heartily. Love those around you just as deeply as before. Live the way your mother would have wanted.

On those days when you just miss her, don't fight it. Allow yourself to grieve. Your mother deserves to be remembered. But she also deserves to be let go.

Find "your world"

How do people cope with the death of their mother? First of all, they find solace in various little things. Walking helps some people. For others, a hot bath is perhaps the most pleasant pleasure in life. This is a good answer to the question of how to behave after the death of your mother. What matters is not what exactly you do, but that you do something for yourself at all. It could be songs, smells or images that bring you comfort. Find a new hobby, meet interesting people, visit your favorite places in the city. Do what works for you. Don't let anyone rob you of these moments. After all, they are certainly intended to help us.