How can I overcome all this? Parting is a little death. Parting is a long way to the beginning, But I will be able to walk this path someday.
I. Reznik
How to go this route with the least losses? How not to lose faith in love and relationships, not to be disappointed in yourself and people, to keep your heart open so that love can settle in it again?
When a significant relationship ends in our lives, we experience pain and disappointment. Working with people, I notice that there are two common scenarios for “living” this event.
One category of people seeks to devalue everything, to pretend that nothing significant has happened. In this scenario, a person strives to find his next partner as quickly as possible, pretending that his soul was in no way damaged by the separation. Lost relationships are perceived as unimportant; a person with whom you spent part of your life - unsuitable, bad, stupid, etc. The search for a new “good” partner is so exciting that your whole life seems to become subordinate to this process.
Another category of people, on the contrary, plunges to the very bottom of their soul, into the abyss of suffering, expanding and intensifying the event to the point of depressive absurdity. In this scenario, a person is faced with hopelessness, the hopelessness of his existence. It seems to him, or rather, he convinces himself that nothing good will ever happen in his life again. He will never be able to love, and no one will love him. Life will turn into a lonely, miserable existence. Lost relationships are given such great importance that a person cannot see anything good in himself, in the world around him, or in the future. And the ex-partner is idealized to such an extent that no one and nothing can compare with him.
None of these methods provide the main thing - the opportunity to survive a breakup in a healthy way. In this regard, I want to share with you my observations and thoughts about what helps and what prevents us from doing this.
Why does a person leave, but affection remains?
Attachment to a person is formed with the participation of the hormone oxytocin. And this same hormone makes you suffer when the object of love leaves.
Oxytocin levels increase greatly Oxytocin and vulnerable romantic relationships. during a crisis in a relationship. When one partner’s feelings cool down, the other, on the contrary, experiences a hormonal explosion. This mechanism continues to work when the relationship ends on the initiative of one of the partners. The abandoned person continues to feel affection due to increased levels of oxytocin, wants to be close, love and care. The inability to do this causes longing and even real withdrawal for lost love.
Set a goal
Sometimes we become so deeply and intensely immersed in our loved ones that all our dreams, plans and goals become connected with them. And when a loved one suddenly leaves, we are left completely confused and devastated. It seems that life is losing all meaning.
But if you stop identifying yourself with another person, and remember that you came to this Earth alone and once had your own dreams, unrelated to anyone, then it will become easier. Maybe not right away, but you will feel that you still have desires.
Choose the most attractive one and set yourself a deadline for implementation. Goals do not have to be global. This could be buying a new car, or maybe acquiring the skill of cross-stitching. Move towards this goal, achieving it will bring you joy.
How does withdrawal occur?
When you look at a photo of your ex-partner, Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love are activated in your brain. The ventral tegmental area (VTA) is a key element of the reward system. The VTA communicates with other brain structures using dopamine, a chemical that makes us seek pleasure.
VTA is not related to cognitive processes and common sense. She wants, craves, burns with desire. Therefore, all your attempts to forget your partner are in vain.
Also, in people who are in love, the nucleus accumbens is activated - the main pleasure center responsible for attachment and dependence. Both the VTA and the nucleus accumbens respond in the same way to the cocaine rush, but the drug releases, but love does not. When you go through a breakup, activity in these areas does not decrease, and because you cannot get what you want, you suffer from withdrawal symptoms akin to cocaine withdrawal.
The joint work of the prefrontal cortex and the nucleus accumbens triggers the process of assessing loss and gain: you constantly think about what went wrong in your relationship, who is to blame, whether it can be returned and how to do it. It is impossible to get rid of these thoughts; they come back again and again. At the same time, you experience mental pain, which can be compared to physical pain. And there is an explanation for this too.
Loss of adequate self-esteem
Very often, a breakup leads not only to difficulties in self-identification, but also to a decrease in self-esteem. This is especially true for those who have been left behind. In such a situation, it may seem that there is something wrong with you since your partner left you. But this erroneous line of thought only leads to worsening self-esteem problems and walking in circles.
A loved one and his attention to us gives us value in our own eyes. When he leaves, it seems to us that what he loved us for has become worthless - we are not as good as we thought before. Separating the pain of loss of intimacy and love from the pain of wounded pride can be very helpful in recovery.
Be realistic: almost all people have been or will be abandoned at least once during their lives. This doesn't mean there's something wrong with everyone: we're all very different, see the world differently, and may be at different stages in our lives when we date someone.
The most common consequences of problems with self-esteem are devaluation of the former partner and relationships with him or, conversely, idealization of the past.
Depreciation. Some consider devaluation to be a good cure for low self-esteem - underestimating the importance of a partner through derogatory statements, cultivating contempt and telling friends about your indifference or hatred towards this person. But this is not the best path for ourselves. By devaluing our ex-lover, we also lose the value of the time we lived together, the experience that changed us and made us more mature, and we also deny those parts of our personality that matured in this relationship - and that we need for a full life.
Idealization. The other extreme is the idealization of the past, when you fixate only on the best moments, collect them in a collection and shed tears, fingering them like a Buddhist monk with his rosary. Of course, it is difficult for us to survive the loss of someone who was there in difficult times and who we could rely on - not only in business, but also emotionally, in our uncertainty, insecurity, and so on. But remember the difference between mature and immature love, formulated by Erich Fromm in his book “The Art of Loving”: “Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says, “I need you because I love you.” Strive for a mature understanding of love.
Both strategies—devaluation and idealization of the ex-partner—lead to emotional imbalance.
Why are you in so much pain
Scientists have noticed Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain: when a person looks at a photograph of a former partner, the insula and somatosensory cortex are activated in his brain - the structures responsible for transmitting information about physical pain. Their activation can predict the presence of pain by 88%.
A person with a broken heart does not feel physical pain, but at the same time experiences mental or, if you like, mental pain.
Just like physical pain, mental pain cannot be ignored; there is no way to drown it out with painkillers or eliminate the cause.
Is everything really so hopeless and only time can heal a broken heart? It is true, but at least you can do something to alleviate this condition.
Learn to control your thoughts
Our brain is designed in such a way that it does not distinguish between reality and fantasy at all. He reacts to all the mental images that float in your mind as if everything is really happening. This is why thoughts and imaginary pictures can evoke very real feelings and emotions in us.
But the plus is that we are able to control the thought process. Accordingly, you need to try to keep only good memories and good thoughts in your head. And if negative thoughts arise, you should not focus on them.
Physical exercise and unusual activities, such as walking in an unfamiliar part of the city or cooking an unusual dish, also help to distract from painful memories and thoughts.
How to recover from unhappy love
Clear all reminders
If you've ever quit smoking, you know that you shouldn't keep cigarettes or lighters at home while you're quitting. You need to remove ashtrays and anything that reminds you of addiction from visible places. Do the same with your love.
Remove all photos from your screensavers and hide them in the furthest folder. Lock away mementos and things that remind you of your loved one in your closet. Don't listen to music that meant something to your couple and don't go to your places.
Eliminate from your life everything that can cause a storm of memories and fuel mental pain.
Welcome the New
Now is the time to start something new: play a musical instrument, make or cook, understand complex topics, learn new languages. Load your brain to the fullest - let it have no time left for reflection and memories.
New unusual work requires significant brain resources and triggers the formation of new neural connections. This will help you get rid of obsessive thoughts about your ex-partner.
Play some sports
Physical activity will not only distract you, but will also supply Opioid Release after High-Intensity Interval Training in Healthy Human Subjects with opioids to your tired receptors.
Train at medium to high intensity. The first will help you enjoy and get used to physical activity, the second will help you get so tired that there won’t be a single thought left in your head other than “survive at any cost.”
Communicate, even through force
After a painful breakup, you may want to isolate yourself from society so you can experience the experience alone. The main thing is not to get stuck in this state.
Social contacts are very important for humans. Loneliness causes Loneliness matters: a theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. feeling of vulnerability, disrupts sleep, increases morbidity and mortality.
In a depressed state, warm, friendly communication is simply necessary for you. If necessary, force yourself to go for walks and get-togethers with loved ones.
Review everything
Once the initial storm of emotions has subsided, work with your thoughts and memories. Think about what this relationship taught you, what good you got from it. Try to imagine your tragedy as a useful life experience. Say thank you for the great experiences and acknowledge that it’s time to move on.
You can still remember your lost love after a year or even 10 years, because they say that there are no former drug addicts. But the suffering will fade after a few months, and new relationships will replace the painful experience.
Don't keep your emotions to yourself
The biggest mistake that many people make is trying to suppress all negative feelings and smile through force. It has long been known that all suppressed emotions do not actually go away. They remain in the body as energy blocks, creating tension, causing illness and weakening the nervous system.
Don’t try to pretend to be a strong and imperturbable person when your soul is screaming and crying. Accept your pain and understand that we are all human and we tend to experience moments of weakness. Allow yourself to be a weak, wounded person sometimes. Let your emotions come out.
There is no need to take it out on other people. But allowing yourself to cry from the heart is a useful thing. If you were unable to express your grievances to the person who left, do it in another way - talk it all out into the water, into a pillow, or write it down on paper.
Don't limit yourself to words and phrases, express everything that's inside you. You will immediately feel better. Of course, it's best to do these things alone, when no one is home. If you feel the need, repeat the steps.
Change something about your appearance
This advice is more aimed at women. Although men may well change their style.
When parting with something or someone important, it is useful to change yourself at least a little. How to show yourself and the world that the old is gone and a new stage in your life has begun.
You can change anything - hair color, haircut, makeup style, clothes. People with higher willpower can make changes in their figure - lose excess weight, pump up. Psychologists note that such changes have a very positive effect on mood.
"Magic" formula
If you have already dealt with incorrect behavior after a breakup, if there is no turning back or the relationship was toxic, and you yourself understand this and do not want to go back, but still love, then you need to look for options on how to come to terms with the breakup. Here, for the most pedantic, experts have come up with a formula. There are no practical reviews on how true it is, but just for fun, you can calculate the outcome.
So: x/2 + j + (lt) + k/2 + r, where
- x - time spent together;
- j is an indicator that depends on the reasons for the gap, so if everything is extremely clear and explainable, j = 0, if not, then j = x/3;
- l - depends on the type of character, for soft and whiny ones we set 4, for “flints” 0;
- t - characterizes the presence of a new partner, if there is one t = x/3, if still single, then t = 0;
- k is the number of visits to scroll through his social media feed per day;
- r - those who block the sending of personal messages for the ex, then open it, r = 3, who have decided on this approach and do not change anything r = 0.
Total: the result should be a number indicating how much time it still takes to move on from a breakup.
Do something you couldn't do before
Relationships with loved ones require compromises, concessions, and some sacrifices. It is completely normal when we consciously make reasonable restrictions for the sake of those who are dear to us.
Remember what you couldn’t afford before the loss, but really wanted it. Maybe your loved one forbade you from throwing parties at home, or maybe you wanted to go on a “savage” vacation for once. Just do what you forbade yourself and try to get as much pleasure from it as possible.
Avoid contact with the toxic person for at least 90 days
Try to completely stop contact with the person who has been poisoning your life for a long time. Only distance will help you free yourself from its destructive influence, take a sober look at relationships and start living differently.
Set a goal for yourself: no contact for at least 90 days. This is exactly the period that people who give up drugs need to detoxify the body, and toxic love is akin to addiction. Many people find it helpful to use a calendar or diary to track their progress.
