Greetings, friends! According to statistics over the past 10 years, from 51 to 73 percent of marriages in the Russian Federation break up. These are not horror stories, but dry official figures. Unfortunately, the likelihood that the union will end in divorce is at best one to one, or even higher.
In a new article I’ll tell you how to survive a divorce, what to do to make your life easier, and what actions you shouldn’t do after a divorce.
If you have signs of depression after a divorce, we recommend that you first read the article about depression and how to deal with it.
For those who are interested in how to build a new happy relationship, we recommend this article.
If nothing can be fixed, you need to survive with dignity
Before my successful marriage, I myself experienced a divorce, you can read about this in the “About Me” section. This experience, coupled with deep knowledge in the field of psychology, formed the basis of this material.
Stage 1: Survive the First 90 Days
The first 90 days after a divorce can be called the most difficult. For the first time in many years, you are left alone with yourself and heavy thoughts about the causes of discord in the family. Tamsin Fedel compares this state to being lost. You are lost and don’t know where to go next, who to turn to and how to start enjoying life again. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” has compiled a detailed action plan for readers for the first 90 days after divorce.
Start with a reboot in your own home
Get rid of furniture that reminds you of your ex-husband. Throwing it away or arranging a burning ritual is completely optional. You can sell unnecessary things and use the proceeds to buy something you have always dreamed of. That ridiculous ottoman or that chic four-poster bed.
Organize your home space
Get rid of chaos and unnecessary things.
Use the rules “Every thing has its place,” “Like to like,” and “One thing in the house, one out of the house.” When cleaning, set a timer (for an hour, two or three) and be sure to rest after the signal. Take the time to take before and after photos so you can see that even spot cleaning works effectively.
Take care of yourself
Get a new hairstyle or at least just update your haircut, go for a manicure, go in for sports. You can start with morning yoga - there are millions of videos on the Internet with simple exercises. Over time, you will get the hang of it and, quite possibly, at some point you will find yourself in the gym with heavy weights.
Inspect your refrigerator
Throw everything fatty and unhealthy into the trash: mayonnaise, sauces with monosodium glutamate and low-quality chocolate. New life - new menu. Your choice is vegetables, fruits, healthy cereals, lean meat and dark chocolate. Drink clean water and eat small meals when you feel hungry.
Plan activities for every day
In the first months after a divorce, you don’t want to do anything at all, so force yourself. Take courses, go to the library or to exhibitions. Feeling blues on Saturday morning? Get up early and go for a walk. Change your habits and develop new ones.
Psychologists say that communication and social interaction are one of the key ways to move on after a breakup.
Isolation brings about dark feelings that give rise to thoughts, words and actions that we later regret.
Stop whining
Master your emotions - who controls whom, after all? You are the love of your life. And you are the main prize. To reduce stress levels, use the “gratitude jar” technique. Place a beautiful jar on your bedside table and every evening put a note in it that captures the most positive moment of the day. At the end of the year, remove and read the notes.
Psychology of divorce for women
Times are changing and today people are much more relaxed about divorce than before. The psychology of an emancipated woman allows her to feel like a full-fledged member of society, even if she is not in a relationship. Indeed, women get an education, can get their dream job and do not depend on their father or spouse.
But, although, from a financial point of view, a breakup is no longer a ruin for a woman, the moral side of the issue is still painful, the burden of the problems experienced is as great as it was a hundred, two hundred years ago. The psychology of love and affection remains the same; issues of raising children also need to be resolved without harming the latter. Society, although it does not put pressure as much as before, still remains quite skeletal in matters of family and looks with distrust and condemnation at women of a certain age who have never married or are divorced.
Quote I have never been married, but I always say that I am divorced, otherwise people will think that there is something wrong with me.
Elaine Busler
Stage 2: Learn to communicate with your ex-husband
Communication with an ex-husband is one of the most difficult moments in the life of every second divorced woman. It is difficult to resist the obsessive thoughts of having a heart-to-heart talk with your ex and still find out the reasons for the discord in the family. Unpleasant thoughts constantly swirl in my head: “I was too cold, or fat, or ugly, or inconsiderate, or unsexy.” Tamsin Fedel advises not to share thoughts about your ex-husband (especially negative ones) with others, and also to adhere to a few simple rules.
Don't look for meetings
A good reason for personal communication is the fate of children. Decide everything else through intermediaries, friends or lawyers.
Don't keep his things
He has already taken everything he needs. Everything else doesn’t interest him now and certainly won’t interest him in a year. It is advisable to get rid of things.
Don't follow him on social media
Remove him from your friends list and don’t poison your soul. Do this immediately after the divorce.
Don't paint a false picture of your ex-husband
It is human nature to remember only the good. Let go of the memories at least for a while. Later, when the wounds heal, you will take out these photographs and letters, remember the lovely family evenings.
Don't use children as a shield
Or as a loophole to get information. Don't turn children against their father. Your emotions will subside, but the children’s attitude towards their father will remain.
Don't speak badly about your ex
This is perhaps one of the most difficult tips. The author of the book honestly admits that she herself committed similar sins. More than once she caught herself thinking that she was happy to remember her ex-husband with strong words. However, you should not do this, especially in the presence of potential partners.
A woman's life after the end of a marriage
Psychologists advise not to despair if a breakup does occur. What to do and how to live further after a divorce? It is better to analyze the circumstances and then try to accept everything as a fact that happened. If you think about the past every hour, then who will live here and now? But there is still a bright future ahead!
In no case do you perceive children as a burden in your experiences after a divorce, otherwise you will become depressed and raise your children incorrectly. A child is someone worth waking up for every day. If problems arise, seek support from family, friends or qualified mental health professionals. Don’t avoid communicating with men, because relationships are part of life’s journey.
Stage 3: Learn to date again
After a divorce, many women are tempted to go to great lengths to prove to themselves (“and this scoundrel!”) that they have retained sexual attractiveness to the opposite sex.
How to start dating men again after decades on the bench? Tamsin Fedel advises following two rules.
Don't look for the perfect man
Look for someone who respects you now, someone who doesn’t put off feelings for later. The one for whom you want to get up in the morning, and in the evening dive into bed with him and snuggle under the covers.
Value your principles
Don't forget - even for the sake of a gorgeous man - about what is important to you. Don't fool yourself into thinking about your needs and desires. Be yourself. If you are suitable for a man only under certain conditions: different hair color, weight, habits and preferences - nothing good will come from this relationship.
Male loneliness after divorce
Usually men in relationships are less emotional. This is primarily caused by upbringing and stereotypes in society. Every man heard in childhood: Don't act like a girl. Therefore, in a difficult situation, he does not know how to properly cope with surging emotions and survive this negativity. Therefore, in the event of a divorce, a man not only suffers, he does not know how to cope with it.
Most often, after a divorce, a man strives to get what he was deprived of in marriage: female attention. It is important for him to prove to himself that he can still be attractive to the opposite sex. This is a kind of attempt to escape from the fear of loneliness. In order not to think about failure in the family, a man prefers noisy companies and female society.
At the same time, he is not currently seeking a new long-term relationship. Moreover, he tries to avoid them. The pain of divorce has not yet subsided, so it is difficult to let a new person into your life.
After a divorce, a man is more drawn to people. But this does not save him from inner loneliness. You should not ignore this problem; it is better to work through your fears. But as practice shows, men after a divorce extremely rarely turn to psychologists or resort to other qualified help.
Most often, in order to solve his psychological problems after a divorce, a man enters into a new long-term relationship after a few years.
Stage 4: Learn to build new relationships
Often after a divorce, women are eager to occupy themselves with new relationships and are ready to literally disappear into a new man. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” honestly admits that she herself made some of the mistakes described. Tamsin Fedel had the strength to pull herself together. Invaluable experience helped her develop several tips that will save women from disappointment.
Be self sufficient
Don't be humiliated. If he doesn't call, he's not interested in you. There are no other options.
Keep your distance
Don’t make a man your best friend, much less a vest for tears.
Don't become a mommy
If you took care of your ex-husband, brought him slippers and tea in bed, do not rush to do the same with a new man. Have you caught yourself doing something like this? Get a dog and leave the man alone.
Accept his habits
It is useless to try to break and change another person. You are both established individuals, and if his slurping at the table bothers you, then you should think twice before moving in together. Either accept the man along with his habits, even those that infuriate you, or break up.
Looking for a free man
This is really very important, and there can be no options here: “almost divorced,” “we’ll file documents tomorrow,” “we live for the sake of the children.” Otherwise, you risk falling into a trap and turning into a banal mistress.
Why is it important to understand that both parties are always to blame in a divorce?
Let me give you a few examples.
- After the wedding, the young wife almost immediately quit her job and became a housewife, and her husband did not mind. But at home she quickly became bored and lazy. Social networks became the only entertainment and consolation. She lost interest in her husband, as well as in her household responsibilities. The husband tried to rectify the situation, but it didn’t work out: his wife left for a man she met online.
- Some time after marriage, the wife realized that her husband was a tyrant. Being an intelligent woman, she turned to a psychologist to work through her husband’s childhood traumas and correct him. I tried not to put pressure, not to throw hysterics. But everything worked exactly the opposite: the spouse, who was cherished and cherished, was even more affirmed in his own importance. He started drinking, then cheating, then raising his hand. The result is a natural divorce.
- Despite the protests of her parents, a girl from a wealthy family married a simple guy. She helped him get a higher education, got him a good job, and raised his self-esteem in every possible way. Well, she raised him so much that he left for another at the first opportunity.
All three examples have one thing in common: at first glance, it seems that only one party is to blame for the divorce, and the other did everything right. But if this were so, it would turn out that one is always a tyrant, and the second is simply a victim. In marriage, everything is much more complicated: it is not just a union of two hearts, but also a partnership of two personalities. If the union breaks up, it means the parties were unable to find some kind of balance, and this is the fault of both. It’s just that the so-called “injured party” came up with a game for themselves that they played alone. The “victim” was simply not being honest with himself. Everything he did was for him, not for his partner. But playing with one goal in marriage does not work.
In a divorce, both are always to blame, period
The position and role of the victim itself is very convenient : I do everything right, and he (she) is to blame, but here lies the trap. If you don’t admit your guilt in a divorce, the model is transferred to the next relationship, where you will also “do everything right,” but no one will need it. Only by admitting your guilt will you be able to draw conclusions and avoid repeating mistakes in the future. You can learn more about guilt and shame here.
Bonus: how to arrange your personal life with children
Children are not a death sentence for your personal life. The main thing is to properly organize your free time and talk with your child. Don’t forget: a child is a child, he is used to considering himself the center of the Universe and is unlikely to want to immediately share you with someone else. Tamsin Fedel has compiled her top tips for dating if you have kids.
Talk to your children about your feelings
Don't think that they are small and don't understand anything. Children are much more perceptive than they think, and will easily guess that you are dressing up for a reason.
Don't lie about your personal life
Over time, children will learn the truth, but the fact that you lied to them will remain in their memory for a long time. And after that, how can you ask them to be honest with you?
No matter how old your children are, eight or thirty-eight, they still need confirmation of your unconditional love. Show them in no uncertain terms that no one can replace them.
Never put yourself before the choice “children or personal life”
Moreover, do not reproach your child for dedicating your life to him, but he has grown up and is going to live separately.
What happens to the human psyche during divorce?
Everyone experiences divorce differently. This depends on many reasons: whether you were the initiator or the decision was made by the ex-partner, what the marriage was like, whether there are children, whether there was infidelity, problems with alcohol in one of the spouses, and so on. The paradox is that even if you got rid of a toxic relationship, codependency, or left an alcoholic spouse who had exhausted all your nerves, hasn’t worked for the last 10 years, and so on, you don’t need to think that happiness will cover you headlong at that very second. Stress, and even depression, is still guaranteed.
This is due to a change in the usual way of life and leaving the comfort zone. Getting rid of unhappiness does not guarantee happiness. It’s unclear what’s next, you don’t want to do anything, and purely everyday issues (moving, dividing property) can be seriously stressful. There are exceptions, for example, when one of the spouses immediately leaves for another family, where everything is fine. But much more often, partners go nowhere because they can no longer be together.
5 stages of grief acceptance
The experiences that a person feels at this time fit into 5 stages of accepting negative changes, I will talk about them in detail. Note: the theory of the 5 stages of grief acceptance was developed in 1969 by the doctor of psychology Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to help dying patients. Later it turned out that the concept can be successfully applied in other situations when people find themselves in a difficult situation, for example, divorce, which in terms of the intensity of the experience is quite comparable to the loss of a loved one.
- Shock, denial. At this stage, the person still does not believe that what is happening to him is real: “This is not happening to me, this cannot happen! Just another crisis, things will get better!”
- Anger. At this stage, the person realizes the reality of the situation and begins to look for the culprit, who usually turns out to be a partner. “How could he do this? Why me?" Anger can also be directed to the outside world: a person lashes out at children, relatives, quarrels with work colleagues, and so on. You can learn more about anger and how to deal with it here.
- Depression. A person becomes despondent, everything is indifferent to him, he gives up. “Why do anything, nothing will change anyway.” You can learn about depression and how to deal with it here.
- Bargain. Crucial moment. The person realizes that divorce is real, but still tries to avoid it. “Let’s try for another six months, if anything happens, we’ll get a divorce. Give me one last chance."
- Adoption. A person understands that he needs to live and move on, accepts the situation as it is.
The stages of grief do not follow one another in chronological order. They can change places, get confused, mix up, and so on. A person who accepted the situation yesterday and came to terms with his situation, today may again return to the stage of anger or denial, and all this will be accompanied by prolonged depression.
Stages of grief according to Kübler-Ross
Everything I wrote will not necessarily start minute by minute after the divorce. Often, the stages of experiencing begin at the moment one of the spouses makes the decision to divorce and continues for some time after all the formalities have been settled.
Why did I write all this? So that you understand: no matter how hard it is now, everything will end in acceptance anyway , it cannot be any other way. You can even reassure yourself with this thought: “Yes, today I am depressed and despondent, but soon everything will definitely get better, I’m not the first, I won’t be the last.” This is a very important thought, it can make life a lot easier.
If nothing helps, you are left with a feeling of brokenness in your soul and inner emptiness, this may indicate depression caused by divorce (read more about depression here), and this is a reason to contact a specialist. Do not hesitate and contact a qualified psychologist who will help you find a way out of the situation.
Help is at hand
“Women do not come to a family center for a consultation asking for a divorce.” Ladies, as a rule, address children's problems, and only during the conversation it becomes clear that the child's behavior and reactions are a consequence of the parents' divorce. Sometimes women who want to get back their relationship with their husbands seek advice. In both cases, shifting attention to searching and understanding oneself produces positive results both in children and in the woman’s personal space,” says the psychologist.
If you want to optimally build relationships with children during periods of childhood and parental crises, when going through certain stages of the family, to receive psychological support and support after a divorce, then consider attending offline and online classes. The family club hosts monthly classes for the “Lady Perfection” women’s club, group classes for adults “Parents’ Universities,” and developmental classes for children. Make an appointment by phone: +7 and +7.
How can a woman cope with a divorce?
Divorce, as mentioned above, is very stressful, even if the woman initiated it herself, but by following these tips, you can significantly reduce its harmful effects and recover faster.
- When you leave, go away
Solve all matters, understand the rights and responsibilities regarding children, joint property, business, cat and hamster. And leave, you don’t need to play on your and his nerves. Divorce - if there is no violence or other serious reasons for immediate flight - is the same case when measure seven times, cut once. But you still have to cut it.
- Minimum communication
To implement the first point as quickly as possible, try to reduce communication to the necessary minimum. The time when you will visit each other with your new halves will come. Maybe. But now, while the wounds are fresh, there is no need to pick at them with daily communication.
- Don't keep your emotions to yourself
Suppressed emotions are the main cause of cardiovascular diseases and cancer. Cry, sob, complain to your loved ones. A breakup is a difficult experience, you really need support, and you really shouldn't hold your face at all costs right now.
- Introduce a moratorium on advice
Give yourself time and don’t listen to anyone’s advice and recommendations just yet. Human psychology under stress is malleable and unstable. Just don’t make sudden movements and don’t listen to anyone until your emotions cool down a little and your ability to think rationally returns to you.
- Take care of yourself
Love yourself, give yourself as much time as possible, eat right, play sports, meditate, read, watch movies, walk more often, go for a massage. The body and psyche are interconnected; when one suffers, taking care of the other will help relieve stress.
- Live your life
If you worked and studied, continue to develop in this direction. If you lived the life of a family, a loved one, now is definitely the time to start doing something for yourself - find a job, start doing what you love, expand your social circle, etc.
The role of a “loser” offended by the whole world
For such husbands, divorce comes as a bolt from the blue - despite all the complaints of the partner, her repeated hysterics and calls to change something, the men did not allow the idea that the words about leaving were a reality. The process of separation is painful for them - a personal crisis develops, depression develops, and a lot of anger and resentment towards the whole world appears.
Children, wife, friends - everyone is perceived as traitors, he loses his inner support: “I gave you everything, I lived for the sake of my family, and this is your gratitude?” After a breakup, offended men do a lot of stupid things, get into dangerous addictions, and cannot cope with the psychological blow. All because they are too closely integrated with the family.
Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash
In order to rethink their lives, find new goals and meanings, they go to a greater distance from their family: they stop maintaining contact with their children and ex-wife, do not give money, and devalue their common past. They can start a psychological or economic war with the partner who “betrayed” - take revenge on her in every possible way, throw mud at her reputation, deprive her of material support.
Children who were initially on their father’s side out of pity soon change their attitude - he loses authority in their eyes (the negative attitudes of the mother herself are partly triggered). In addition, numerous family squabbles affect their psychological state - they can abandon their studies, fall under the influence of bad company, and often get sick.
The process of adaptation after a breakup takes offended men from 4 to 10 years; they literally have to start all over again, while the feeling of fear, disappointment, and lack of understanding of how to continue to live continues.
Photo by Mika on Unsplash
If the outcome of the situation is successful, they accept part of the responsibility for the failed marriage, abandon destructive behavior, form a new life plan and restore business contacts with their former family. They can enter into a new relationship or live in comfortable solitude. In an unsuccessful scenario, they drown in addictions, become aggressive misogynists, live in the position of “victim,” sinking to the social bottom.
What will support and diversify life
- Wellness, sports activities, choreography for mother and child; Find an opportunity to go for walks together, go for walks.
- Creative development: at least once a month, attend workshops on interests, museums with your child, sign up for classes in creating art, original works, choreography, rhetoric, or other creative classes.
- Build new skills that are necessary to achieve your goals. This could be, for example, a new sleep pattern, nutrition, education, training.
- A change in perspective, positive thinking, something that gives you a fresh perspective on the world around you.
- The Pomodoro method, which divides large tasks into parts.
- Repairing the home or introducing renovation elements, rearranging furniture; organizing personal space for yourself and your child (if not).
- Journaling: Keep track of what you did to achieve your goals, even if it's something small.
- For a positive attitude, choose a life-affirming phrase or melody for yourself.
The main reasons for divorce among women
Although psychologists advocate harmonious relationships and will never push a woman towards divorce, there are reasons why separation is the best, and sometimes the only, option.
- Early marriage.
Young people without life experience can rarely create a strong family.
- The feelings have faded.
Yes, passion like in the first three years rarely lasts for decades, but still, a feeling of deep love and affection should always be present. If there are no feelings, and you understand that a stranger is nearby, you should not hold on to the cold coals, you should give both yourself and your spouse a chance to live life in love, even if not with each other.
- There are no joint affairs or plans.
For some time, raising a child may become a common bonding activity. But this is very unreliable and unstable - the children grow up, and the family, if nothing else connects the man and woman, falls apart.
- Treason.
A man constantly cheats or a woman constantly cheats - it doesn’t matter that much. If this is not a mutual agreement: an open relationship, a guest marriage, etc., then betrayal, jealousy, and deception are not the best companions of family life.
- Bad habits.
Alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction - all this is a reason to break up a relationship. You can give a person one chance and help him get out of addiction, but you shouldn’t put your life (and especially the lives of your children) on a sacrificial altar.
- Violence in relationships.
There are no options here. The first aggressive physical impact against a woman should be the last. You can't give a chance, you can't forgive. This should be the end of the relationship.
- Sexual incompatibility
The reasons may be different: mismatch of temperaments, pregnancy and childbirth, hormonal changes, diseases. Most of them can be solved independently or with the involvement of a psychologist or sexologist. But, if the years go by and there is no intimate life, it’s worth, after weighing all the pros and cons, to still give each other a chance to have sex, with other partners. The exception, perhaps, is a successfully matched asexual couple.
Quote Divorce probably appeared at the same time as marriage. The marriage is probably only a few weeks older.
Voltaire
