Selfishness - fixation on personal interests, examples

Self-love is a synonym for selfishness. Sometimes this concept is identified with pride, but this is not entirely true. Selfishness is an obsession with personal interests and needs with a total disregard for the opinions and rights of other people. Self-love is healthy self-esteem and satisfaction of personal desires in conditions of harmonious interaction with other people. Although we can say that selfishness is a painful form of selfishness. However, let's take a closer look at what selfishness is.

What is selfishness

Let's define this concept.
Self-love is a person’s fixation on his own convenience and comfort in everything. We are talking about both physical comfort and psychological or emotional comfort. A selfish person puts personal needs and problems above the needs and problems of other people. He does not take into account their interests and feelings, and is indifferent to other people's lives.

No matter how strange it may seem, selfishness and selfishness are based on dislike. True, in the first case we are talking about a person’s dislike for himself, and in the second it is an inability to love at all. Although both are interconnected.

The theory of E. Fromm immediately comes to mind. He believed that love depends on the ability and ability to love, and not on some object. That is, if a person knows how to love, then this applies to him and to other people. In principle, at the beginning of the article we indicated that selfishness is another name for selfishness. In most cases, the slight difference we just outlined is missed.

Interesting! In Orthodoxy, self-love refers to sins. This concept is considered in a broader sense - as a complex of negative characteristics. It includes selfishness, pride, stubbornness, envy, commercialism, and self-interest.

Narcissism

Narcissism, inflated self-esteem, and demands for special treatment, characteristic of narcissists, are also not signs of love. Thus, people try to disguise many of their problems. They are very vulnerable and sensitive and do not know how to live in objective reality.

Some signs of narcissists

Confidence in one's own exclusivity, significance, genius and infallibility.
The desire to be admired and worshiped by everyone. Expectation of special treatment.
Impatience of any criticism addressed to oneself.
The desire to live in special comfort and luxury, because no matter how much they deserve it.
Boastfulness, most often groundless, to attract attention and cause envy.
Reduced ability to empathize.
They rarely suffer from feelings of guilt and shame.
Arrogance.
Excessive self-confidence.
Ambition.
Painful experience of one’s perceived shortcomings, the desire to hide them from everyone at any cost.

Signs

How to understand that you are dealing with a selfish person:

he is never interested in your opinion;
he ignores your requests and does not fulfill his promises;
he ignores your preferences (from choosing products in the store to solving serious life issues, for example, deciding to move);
he “yaks” a lot;
he never helps.

In a relationship with such a person, you feel lonely. You understand that you have no support and rights, but you have a mountain of responsibilities.

Why optimism is useful: 6 benefits

Optimism and pessimism are overgrown with many myths. One thing is clear: being an optimist is more pleasant and profitable, even from a pragmatic point of view. And that's why:

Positive emotions improve intellectual abilities.

Participants in Martin Seligman's study performed intellectual tasks. Some subjects were given candy before the test and performed better and faster than the control group.

Positive people are more forward-thinking and creative.

They more often find non-standard solutions and quickly adapt to new circumstances. But pessimists also have strengths: they are better at doing monotonous work and solving problems that require a critical approach.

Positive emotions promote physical activity and longevity.

Optimists have higher immunity and lower blood pressure. They tolerate pain more easily and have better physical and mental health. Positive people also cope better with serious illnesses.

American psychologists Heather Rasmussen, Michael Scheier and Joel Greenhouse studied the medical histories of 83 patients suffering from cancer and cardiovascular diseases and their personality characteristics and came to the conclusion that optimists tolerate treatment better and recover more often.

Optimists live longer.

Psychologists analyzed 180 autobiographies of women who lived in the monastery. They all led a relatively healthy lifestyle and were in approximately equal conditions. However, everyone's life expectancy was different. The writings of centenarians were characterized by an abundance of positive emotions. Their authors knew how to enjoy even minor events.

Cheerful people are more motivated, efficient and effective.

They are more likely to be satisfied with their jobs, have higher productivity, and are more often praised by their bosses. It is not surprising that their careers are better and their incomes are growing faster.

Positive people are more sociable, altruistic and compassionate.

A smiling person is ready to share positive emotions, knowledge and time. In a gloomy mood, we are distrustful and are not ready to communicate much or share anything.

Symptoms

By what signs can you suspect that you have become a hostage to selfishness:

you are indifferent to any rules and regulations;
you consider yourself higher and more worthy than others;
you regularly break your promises and refuse help;
When making any decision, you are guided only by your own interests;
you cannot step into another person’s shoes and even roughly imagine how they feel;
those around you are often offended by you, you become involved in conflicts or are left alone;
“I want” you say more often than “should” or “can”;
no matter which of your desires you fulfill, you still do not feel happy and satisfied;
your needs are constantly growing.

Many selfish people call others “gray mass.” They treat others as tools to achieve personal goals.

Features of female love affection

First, it’s worth understanding why this problem may be more acute for women than for representatives of the stronger half of humanity. The difference lies in the very mechanics of the formation of love. For men, this process happens faster, easier and simpler, since they take everything into their own hands, like conquerors. In addition, the male sex, as is known, “loves with his eyes,” so feelings for his beloved usually do not have a tight connection in the early stages. Accordingly, it is easier for them to let go of the object of love.

In the case of women, the process of forming feelings is more complex and multifaceted. They feel their partner more subtly, trying to evaluate him by his internal qualities and actions. Therefore, the value of the feeling that arises also increases. And if a woman is fixated on a man, then parting with an attachment that has developed for so long and difficultly will be much more difficult. That is why, at the first signs of a feeling of hopelessness in a love story, it is recommended to immediately begin working on the natural destruction of the slightest dreams about the partner you like.

Is it good to focus only on yourself?

I always advocate healthy egoism and adequate self-esteem. That is, in my opinion, focusing on yourself is good, but when it is in moderation. And this is explained simply: if you have taken care of yourself, then you are in a resourceful state and can help someone else, take care of someone else.

In such cases, I always remember the example with oxygen masks on an airplane: “In the event of depressurization of the cabin, you must first put the oxygen mask on yourself, then on the child.” I think this principle always works in everything.

Give free rein to feelings

Trying to completely lock yourself in a cocoon of experiences will be wrong. Since fixation on a man is in itself a powerful source of energy, it needs to be released with the same force. Concentrated feelings of pain, resentment and even anger should be released. The best way to do this is through tears, screams and even hysterics. Moreover, this must be done intentionally and regularly. This outburst of emotions is necessary to make room inside for new feelings and sensations.

If you are fixated on a man and feel only bright emotions towards him, this is a reason to look for negative aspects associated with him. They will definitely be found and they need to be emphasized, as well as pleasant moments, because of which there is a feeling of loss of one’s happiness.

Recommendations from a psychologist

How to get rid of excessive selfishness:

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, it sounds strange, but the root of selfishness is self-pity. Such a person demands that others love him and exaggeratedly loves himself. What is this based on? On the feeling of dislike. Determine where it started, what trauma underlies your selfishness.
Get rid of grievances, work through old traumas. To whom are you trying so hard to prove that you are worthy of love and should always be the center of attention?
Give yourself permission to lose. A selfish person cannot allow the thought that someone is better than him in some way. Start small: play something with friends and allow yourself to lose.
Every day, fulfill one request from your friends. Make a list (yes, you will have to talk to those around you) of requests and regularly help others.
Learn to thank people. Don't take help for granted. Train yourself to say words of gratitude.
Learn to listen and analyze. Every day, choose one situation (you can turn to films or books if it is still difficult to take examples from life) and think not only about yourself, but also about the other person: how he perceived this situation, what he wanted, etc.

Working on yourself begins with recognizing the problem. Recognize the fact that the Ego controls you, that you have become its slave. You are ready to sacrifice everything to satisfy your desires. Now start getting rid of it.

You are the center of your life

Perhaps many will not agree with me, but I believe that it is normal for a modern person to make himself the center of his life. Not parents, children, lovers, God, country, work, but yourself. And I see several reasons for this:

You and only you are the only indisputable proof of your own life.
Until proven otherwise, you only have one life and it belongs only to you. Not the state, not the parents, but you.
You are the only living being who is with you throughout your entire life, from your first breath to your last.
There is not a single person in the world for whom your interests would be higher than their own, and this is normal. If they convince you otherwise, don’t believe it.
You are the only person you can trust 100% and it is very sad if this is not the case.

It's even worse if you're not honest with yourself in order to appear better. Whenever you look in the mirror, you should know who is in front of you. Lie to others, never lie to yourself.

You are the one you can truly count on.

Everyone is now repeating the phrase “no one owes anyone anything,” as if under a spell, as if common sense and their own point of view have completely been lost to them. In principle, I share this view, but only partly, since the concept of “debt” is present in the world for a reason, which means, after all, someone owes something to someone - this is a topic for a separate big conversation . Now I want to say that you are the only person who really owes you something. Always demand from yourself first.

You are the only one who needs you and who you truly need.

People around us appear and disappear. They become attached to us, fall in love, hate, support or set us up, but all this is temporary. Yes, we can be sad, sad, bored, hard, lonely, deadly lonely without someone - but none of these conditions are fatal. But, unfortunately, we cannot live without ourselves.

You are the one you really need!

Perhaps after reading this you will be horrified: “What selfishness!
What self-obsession! You can not do it this way!" . But it seems more likely than it actually is, and now I’ll explain why.

My experience

I can’t remember examples from my life, but I remembered this life example (I heard similar stories myself, met them on forums and heard many anecdotes on this topic). So, the wife is losing weight. Moreover, she chose an unhealthy method: she only eats apples, lettuce and the like. Together with her, her husband and even the unfortunate cat and dog voluntarily and forcibly went on the same diet, because: “You have to support me!” and “Why are you poisoning me with your sweets!”, and also “We are family.” The wife ignores the fact that this does not benefit an adult man who also does physical labor. And the cat and dog became somewhat lethargic from the diet soup. But the wife is indifferent to this, because her desires and problems come first for her.

Or this example. The mother forbids her son to become a video blogger, even to try himself, because: “This is not a profession,” “You don’t need it,” and “You’re disgracing me.” She wants her son, like mom and dad, to become a doctor. Then an ideal picture will form in her head: not only is she an exemplary mother, but also everything in their family is perfect. Surely others will admire such a woman.

How to let go of your attachment to a man - stop clinging to him, waiting, depending

The most common model of relationships is dependent relationships - with a fixation on a partner. We were taught this way - to live differently, to love another, to idealize another, to curse another too... The focus has always been outside, not inside. It's hard for us to imagine that there's anything wrong here. And yet, it is precisely the focus on the personality of another, and not on ourselves, that brings us a lot of suffering and pain. After all, when two people deepen into a relationship, it is quite predictable and guaranteed that at some point they will open each other’s deepest wounds and press on the most sore spots.

What causes our dependence in relationships? And what is she hiding underneath? How “inevitable” is our suffering?

If you smiled and thought “well, this is not about me,” do not rush to close the topic. The symptoms of dependent relationships are opaque and insidious; it requires focused awareness and the courage to see them in your life. For example, you are thrown either cold or hot - from a feeling of being chosen and superior to complete self-abasement. Or just about, and there will be a need for approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well. Or periodically there is a feeling of powerlessness to change anything in the current relationship, which is slowly but surely killing both. Or you often seek salvation in alcohol, food, work, sex or some other external stimulant to distract from your experiences, inability to experience a feeling of true intimacy and love. And the role of a martyr is given to you especially gracefully and naturally... Then take a look, don’t be afraid, look in the face of what may have been repressed from your consciousness, what you have denied about yourself for many years or even “didn’t realize” - your addiction.

Features of manifestation of addiction:

A person defines who he is (his identity) only through relationships. He cannot imagine himself without a partner. In relationships, it is as if he is complemented to the whole, but at what cost - by renouncing himself. He looks at others as the source of his happiness and completeness of existence. If I'm not happy, he holds someone else responsible for it.
A dependent person is constantly dependent on another person: on his opinion, on his mood, on whether he approved or frowned, and so on.
It is very difficult for dependent individuals to separate themselves from their partner. The loss of a partner is unbearable for them. Therefore, they strive to increase infantile interdependence, rather than reduce it. They thereby reduce their importance and sabotage their freedom. They also constantly undermine their partner’s freedom.
Such people are characterized by the inability to perceive and respect the separateness, uniqueness, and “friendship” of their loved one. They, however, do not perceive themselves as separate people. This is the source of much unnecessary suffering. When one person tells another: “I can’t live without you,” that’s not love, that’s manipulation. Love is the free choice of two people to live together. Moreover, each of the partners can live alone.
Dependent people are looking for a mate, trying to solve their problems in this way. They believe that a love relationship will cure them of boredom, melancholy, and lack of meaning in life. They hope that their partner will fill the void in their life. But when we choose a mate, placing similar hopes on her, in the end we cannot avoid hating the person who did not live up to our expectations.
They are unable to define their psychological boundaries. Addicted people do not know where their boundaries end and where other people's boundaries begin.
They always try to make a good impression on others. They always try to earn love, please other people, and wear masks of “goodness.” In this way, dependent people try to control the perceptions of other people. But at what cost - betraying your true feelings and needs.
They do not trust their own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs, but they listen to the opinions of others.
They try to become necessary to other people. They often play the role of “rescuers”.
They are jealous.
They experience difficulties alone.
They idealize their partner and become disappointed in him over time.
Not connected to their dignity and intrinsic value.
They experience despair and painful loneliness when they are not in a relationship.
They believe that the partner must change.

Addiction is a relationship with a fixation on another person.

Codependency in adults occurs when two psychologically dependent people establish relationships with each other. In such relationships, everyone contributes part of what is necessary for him to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Since neither can feel and act completely independently of the other, they tend to stick to each other as if glued to each other. As a result, everyone's attention is focused on the personality of the other, and not on himself.

Strategy of the addicted lover

A disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on the person targeted by the addiction. Thoughts about the “beloved” dominate the mind, becoming an extremely valuable idea. Characterized by obsessiveness in behavior and emotions, anxiety, self-doubt, impulsiveness of actions and deeds, difficulty in expressing intimate feelings. He, as a rule, does not know what he needs specifically, but desperately wants his partner to make him happy (as in the fairy tale: “go there, I don’t know where, bring that, I don’t know what”...).

The love of an addicted person is always conditional! It is mixed with fear, jealousy, manipulation, control, claims, reproaches from unjustified expectations.

There is no trust in such relationships. Without it, a person becomes suspicious, anxious and full of fears, while another feels emotionally trapped, it seems to him that he is not allowed to breathe freely. There is jealousy - fear of loneliness, low self-esteem and dislike for oneself.

The addict is in the grip of experiencing unrealistic expectations in relation to another person in the system of these relationships, without criticism of his condition. Expectation is the first, weak form of “demand”... And demand is, in fact, aggression. Directed - at yourself, at the world, at life, at another person.

A love addict forgets about himself, stops taking care of himself and thinking about his needs outside of the dependent relationship. The addict has serious emotional problems, which are centered on fear, which he tries to suppress. The fear that is present at the level of consciousness is the fear of abandonment. By his behavior he seeks to avoid abandonment. But on a subconscious level this is a fear of intimacy. Because of this, the addict is unable to tolerate “healthy” intimacy. He is afraid of being in a situation where he has to be himself. This leads to the fact that the subconscious leads the addict into a trap in which he chooses a partner who cannot be intimate. This may be due to the fact that in childhood the addict failed and experienced mental trauma when showing intimacy with his parents.

In my understanding, love between two people can only take place when each of them has turned into a spiritually mature person, and it can only be truly deep and beautiful when the relationship comes from freedom.

Love is freedom, but not the kind of freedom that does not recognize obligations. Love is responsibility, obligations that you yourself voluntarily observe, and freedom of choice that you give to another person . It is important that our love does not become a suffocation for loved ones. Respect your obligations to your loved one, but at the same time allow him to breathe freely.

Nobody belongs to anyone! The partner is not my property. He is a person, a soul who has decided to walk the path with you so that together you can grow. It's not always easy to let someone you love go free, but there is no other way. Life wisdom tells us: the more freedom we give to another, the closer he is to us.

To love is to be there when needed, and to step back a little when the space becomes too small for two. “When two devastated souls meet, they are immediately tired of each other, their relationship is doomed” (Jigme Rinpoche).

Partners in such close relationships move closer and further apart during their dance, they are not always psychologically together and may still quarrel and argue with each other, but they do so impartially and with respect for each other's needs and feelings. This becomes possible through trust and awareness.

Relationships of Freedom and Love are fundamental security. When two people learn to be independent, whole, autonomous people, they no longer need to defend themselves from each other, control (themselves and their partner) and manipulate. Love means that the person next to you can be real. He is allowed to be weak, allowed to doubt, allowed to be ugly, allowed to be sick, allowed to make mistakes. Loving a person more than the actions they perform. To be someone they know will never betray. We love and love just like that, for no reason, because we cannot help but love. We love out of abundance, not out of fear and insufficiency. We love not to possess, but to give, to give away what overwhelms us.
Relationships from Freedom and Love are always maturity and awareness. This is the deepest work on yourself, first of all. Love is like death. Through the experience of love, a person is reborn for a new life: he dissolves his ego, frees himself from it. Love - I am ready to give up my selfishness.

This is the highest degree of freedom - first of all, internal! When you yourself are free, you respect and appreciate your partner’s freedom. You become a source of freedom...

“Immature people, falling in love, destroy each other’s freedom, create dependence, build a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other eliminate any dependencies. When love lives in dependence, ugliness appears. And when love flows with freedom, beauty appears” (Osho).

If you are in a dependent relationship, your attention is focused on the other person, you feel happy only next to him. You are ready to do anything just to get it, because otherwise your world is empty and gray. If you choose to gain inner integrity and maturity, look for a way out and don’t find it, there is a simple technique - the technique of gratitude!

Take time for yourself. Stay alone with yourself, with your Soul. Ask yourself a few simple questions and answer them sincerely.

Why do I thank this man?

What attracts me to him?

What happens to me when I communicate with him?

In what ways are we similar?

Where is he expanding me? What can I learn from him?

Why can't I still erase his contact?

What can I keep from this connection? Which lessons?

What connects us at the Soul level? Why do we both need this connection and this experience?

What is the most valuable thing in my life now because of this experience?

How did he protect me when he didn't choose me? What are my good thoughts about him?

What kind of person have I become thanks to my relationship with this person? What in me, which was in the shadows of my consciousness, has found light?
Can I move on on my own? Bless him and let him go? Do I have love and gratitude in my heart for this person? If not, why not? What is still unfinished between us? How much time do I give myself to complete this? Do I choose to sacrifice another piece of my life to something that is already in the past?

Training the “optimism muscle”: two practices

Seligman believes that forgiveness and gratitude significantly increase your "happiness quotient" and suggests two practices that can help develop optimism.

Practice 1. Gratitude journal

Every evening we write down events that evoke a feeling of gratitude: a colleague helped solve a problem, a neighbor treated him to a pie, his son hugged him tightly, a dog licked his nose (and more than once). Psychologists have found that if you keep a gratitude diary for two weeks, your life satisfaction scores skyrocket. What if you made journaling a daily practice?