Loneliness... How much terrible, uncertain and painful in its own way is hidden in this word.
People, as social beings, are fundamentally very afraid of the feeling of loneliness, of being left without their family, friends and acquaintances. Be among people, but remain alone with yourself. Not everyone can handle such a test, but, unfortunately, many face it. Very often people do not realize how much they need others, some company, a circle of acquaintances or family, until they lose it. Only then do they become acutely aware of the need for it. We all want to know that someone needs us, that they are waiting for us and want everything to be fine. Loneliness isn't just about pain and hopelessness. There is another side. This is a great opportunity to reboot, step away from the world of other people and, finally, explore your world and hear yourself. Remember that you are the only person you will truly spend your entire life with. Everything around you will change, people will come and go, but you will always be there. So isn't it worth spending a little time and getting to know yourself properly? I think it's worth it. That is why at some stages of life’s journey it can be very useful to stay with yourself and understand your place in this world.
Feelings of loneliness and uselessness
In this article we will talk a little about something else. About the darker side, about the feeling of loneliness and worthlessness, about why people remain lonely even when they desperately want to have friends and family. There can be quite a lot of such reasons. The reason for the loneliness of a particular person can only be determined by analyzing his history and working through his situation. Just as no two people are the same, there are no identical reasons why they are still alone. Each such situation hides its own underlying reasons, fears and complexes.
Let's look at the main reasons for loneliness, although this is not the most pleasant thing, it is better to know the truth, no matter how bitter it may be, than to live in your safe and comfortable illusions, blaming the whole world for cruelty. Most likely, the reason is only in yourself. So, the first reason is that you don't like the person who looks at you every morning from the mirror. And I don’t like it physically. Well, he’s not attractive, that’s all. You can have the most interesting hobby, you can spend every winter in Nigeria watching wild lions, and at home you can have a collection of the rarest Egyptian beetles, but what’s the point of all this if you meet someone based on their clothes. First of all, other people evaluate your external parameters, and then, if you undergo face control, your personal qualities are assessed. In order for your interlocutor to appreciate your hobbies and way of life, you must interest him. How can you do this if you still brush your teeth twice a week and visited the hairdresser last year? If your situation is at least somewhat similar, it is better to reevaluate your views on life as soon as possible.
Causes
The feeling of uselessness does not form on its own. This requires compelling reasons. Most often, people do not record what is happening to them. It seems as if events really happen at random and are not controlled by anything. Let's take a closer look at the available reasons. So, why does the feeling of uselessness arise? Let's try to understand such a delicate issue.
Low self-esteem
If a person does not know how to value himself, then in a relationship he will always play the role of a victim. Most often, there is no understanding of one’s own importance, one’s own talents and capabilities. Any desired prospects seem distant and doubtful. Low self-esteem makes it impossible to show character when necessary. Even if circumstances require decisive action, such a person will be in doubt and indecision. He is simply not used to taking responsibility and acting from his own motives.
Negative experience
Whether we like it or not, we always rely on previous life experience. Whatever it is, it is of great value to us, because it leads us forward and helps us see the truth. If a person has only negative experience of interacting with others, then he will be wary of everything that happens. It will often seem to him that everyone is capable of setting him up, everyone he meets wants to deceive him and gain his own benefit.
Trauma of violence
If a person has such trauma, then there is a serious danger of not trusting people on a permanent basis. A person can be in this state for years, but still not find the strength to try to fix something. Experiencing violence at any stage of life is a serious test for the psyche. More often than not, a person breaks down and becomes unable to make the right decision. The trauma of violence causes incredible mental pain and contributes to an increase in anxiety.
Violation of personal boundaries
This may include experiences associated with defending one’s personal space. It really hurts your heart and doesn't help you feel happy. Violation of personal boundaries is always an invasion of the individual world, and sometimes very rude. If this happens on a regular basis, then the sense of stability in life is lost. It seems that there is nothing truly meaningful, interesting or beautiful. The ground under your feet is lost, even small problems seem colossal.
Constant feeling of loneliness
Are you afraid to be left alone with yourself and your thoughts, afraid of a constant feeling of loneliness? Perhaps you feel some anxiety, boredom, hostility? Imagine how others feel about you. If you can't even tolerate yourself for any length of time, how are other people supposed to deal with it? Try, first of all, to at least interest yourself.
Some of us suffer from low self-esteem, or maybe even an inferiority complex. Such people are not confident in themselves, they constantly doubt whether it is worth communicating with others, and whether they should approach, because they are so insignificant, they represent so little of themselves in comparison with others. People with low self-esteem constantly feel out of place in companies. They themselves believe that they cannot be interesting to others. And if on top of all this there is someone’s criticism, then there is a risk that the sufferer will close himself off from the whole world, retire into his shell and is unlikely to come out in the near future. Now think about it, if such a person considers himself superfluous, constantly doubts the appropriateness of his presence and just wants to return home as soon as possible, will those around him tolerate him? I don't think they'll really want to see him again.
It may come as a surprise to some that you can and even need to choose your environment. It turns out that we ourselves decide with whom to communicate and with whom not. But, there is such an intimidated type of people who grab any opportunity to stay longer with any person, open up to him and get to know him better. Since no normal person can withstand such pressure, it is mainly psychopaths and codependent individuals who get such personnel. And they are happy about this, because where else can they find people? For some reason everyone is running away. If this one leaves, they will be left alone. Do not do it this way. Believe me, there are at least seven billion more representatives of your species around you. If one leaves, another will appear. Don’t grab onto everyone as if they were a life-saving straw, approach your choice of friends more selectively, then the constant suffering and torment from a completely unsuitable partner nearby will finally stop.
There are images that even look at their own mother with suspicion and distrust. If they were medieval knights, their coat of arms would have a motto: trust no one. Most likely, such a credo did not appear by chance. It may be the result of a series of betrayals and constant stabs at human cruelty. But we should not forget about the miraculous influence of a psychologist on such problems. Since life does not end after contact with another unpleasant type, you should learn a lesson from this, ideally work it out with a specialist and move on with a pure soul, exploring the wonderful opportunities of life.
Tip #5: Not merging, but intersecting.
The main “hook” that we women fall for is not the visual image of our lover, but what is in our heads: his smell, some actions, characteristic gestures. If this is a deep enough relationship (including intimate ones), then there is already a rich range of smells, a whole palette. That is, you actually carry within you, like a chip, part of another person’s personality, part of his individuality. After all, when people fall in love, they adopt habits, tastes, gait, and some food preferences. We so easily and joyfully begin to give up our own in the name of another, that in the end this other becomes a part of us. You need to be aware of this. And give myself the mindset not to merge, but to intersect, understanding all the time where I am and where he is, when exactly I do what I would never do on my own, but I do with this particular person. In this way we restore the boundaries of our own personality.
Strong feeling of loneliness
Some people who have long suffered from a strong feeling of loneliness have a constant relationship scenario that repeats from time to time, and they may not even notice it. At first everything develops normally, good and pleasant communication, walks, meetings, but as soon as the relationship reaches a certain point, after which it is time to take it to a new level, they quickly run away into their safe hole and do not leave it until the other person moves away to a safe distance. It is difficult to say what causes this behavior, but it is in the comfort zone into which a person escapes that his loneliness is located. He chooses it himself.
Tip #3: Don’t knock out a wedge with a wedge.
Often, friends advise starting a new romance in order to prove to everyone – including “him” – that you are in demand. If the main motive for a relationship with a man was some kind of evidence of his relevance, then it will probably work. But I have a big question: was there love? You can, of course, find a new lover, then exchange him for another... In general, girls of this kind keep several men on a short leash at once, leave them, come back - this is typical behavior of a bitch. But the bitch is also abandoned.
Feeling empty and lonely
A possible reason for feelings of emptiness and loneliness is a lack of skill in interacting with other people. A person doesn’t know how to communicate and that’s all. There are many reasons for this, from basic insecurity to personality disorders due to which the skill was not learned in childhood. The reasons may also include some cultural characteristics of the region of residence. For example, a person lived for a long time in a small village far from other settlements and cities. In such a village, everyone knows each other and doesn’t really bother with such complex things as personal boundaries. So our character, after moving to a larger city, meeting new people, does not burden himself with the need to respect their boundaries, without embarrassment he asks about everything, from the first minute gives friendly pats on the back and does not hesitate to touch other people’s things. It is very likely that such a person will be lonely until he learns to behave a little differently.
Another cause of loneliness may be perfectionism. A little unexpected, but it's true. Ideal or not at all. This motto also applies to the selection of social circles. Everyone you know must be demigods, supermen and nothing else. And if at the first contact they somehow manage to throw dust in the eyes of a perfectionist, then with further communication, all the imperfections appear clearly, and there is no point in communicating with such people.
Tip #6: Remember to learn a useful lesson from what happened.
You will never merge completely with another person again, because it is destructive. Every woman hopes to meet her lover in the future. And in the “next life” you shouldn’t not let in absolutely everything related to your chosen one, it’s better to dose out information.
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How to cope with feelings of loneliness
Now that we have discussed the main causes of loneliness, now we should ask an equally important question: how to cope with the feeling of loneliness? What you need to do to stop being a lonely person and learn to make more or less constant contacts. First, stop communicating with those who constantly whine about being lonely. It may sound paradoxical, you are already alone, and I also suggest you stop communicating with the person. But, this is a necessity. You are shaped by your environment. And if you communicate with a lonely whiner, then the likelihood that you will become the same doubles. As many as two times! Do you really need this?
The next point is to understand the cause of loneliness. We have already looked at some of them. Of course, there may be much more, so try to understand what the reason is in your particular case. If you don’t do this, you will continue to fight windmills and stagnate in one place. Figure out what is preventing you from communicating with others and solve this problem.
There are some universal ways to combat loneliness that will be useful to you for any reason for loneliness. Firstly, put down your gadgets, free your head a little from the information overload that weighs on you every day, not giving you the opportunity to calmly think about your own life. If you can’t imagine a day without your phone and scrolling through Facebook, then something urgently needs to change. A very good solution would be a country holiday without technology. And secondly, pay more attention to your body and physical fitness. Do some kind of sport, go to the gym or to the pool, this will help you feel more alive, free your head from problems and work on your appearance. If it seems to you that this has nothing to do with your problem, try it, and then talk. Every problem can be dealt with, the main thing is desire and action, then you will succeed.
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Tip #4: Don't get rid of old photos.
After all, this is also part of our life. There is no need to store them in large quantities, but put some of them in some distant drawer. Suddenly there will come a time - perhaps in 10 years - when you want to see what you were like before.
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A number of changes in old age
The older an elderly person is, the more changes occur in his body and the more unpleasant they are:
- Thought processes slow down. A possible solution to the problem is constant brain training (memorizing passages of text, solving crossword puzzles, reading books, writing).
- Bad character traits are strengthened, good ones are weakened. It is impossible to stop this process, but you can try to control your emotions, remember how to behave in society and not go beyond what is permitted.
Why is this happening? How to behave, what should you try to avoid, so as not to be left alone in old age?
Tip No. 7: Don’t look for new support in another person, but build it in yourself.
If you were unable to maintain or build this support during the relationship, then now you will have to build it again. Think - what new have I discovered in myself? For example, I realized that I like to travel, because it was so good to travel to different cities with this person. Then why not use this discovery as a foundation for the future and open a travel agency? Or I definitely realized that I want a child. The man turned out to be not very important for me, but the child is simply necessary, this is the part of life that I cannot live without.
