Erik Erikson's theory
Previously, psychologists said that we feel satisfaction when we set a goal and then achieve it. At this moment we are proud of ourselves, it increases our self-esteem. But in the long term, it cannot be said that such a strategy will lead to complete well-being.
Psychologist Erik Erikson discovered that we feel the greatest satisfaction when we do something for the benefit of others: people, society, etc. That is, when we make a certain contribution to the development of any area, when we leave behind certain knowledge , accumulated experience, this contributes to greater well-being. It's as if we have fulfilled our mission on this earth. But it's funny that awareness comes only at a very mature age.
Should you take care of yourself first?
Caring for people is equivalent to the expression: “Love yourself, and then you will love those around you.” You must first take care of yourself in order to then be able to take care of a person.
Let's look at an example that clearly demonstrates the principle. According to aviation rules, if turbulence occurs and oxygen masks fall out, you must first put the mask on yourself, and then on the child. To take care of your child, you need to ensure your own safety.
Showing care for your neighbor who is broken by illness is impossible if you can’t sleep at night. It is extremely important to take into account your own needs, and not at all for selfish reasons, but quite the opposite. This way you will help your loved one in a rational, not frantic way.
*It is important not to confuse self-love and self-respect with egocentrism. Drive away the feeling of guilt. Egocentric people provide help to others solely to inflate their sense of self-importance to incredible proportions. Individuals who love themselves realize that if they have learned to take care of themselves, then it will be much easier for them to take care of someone else.
The relationship between caring for others and worrying about oneself
When a person takes care of people , his ability to take care of himself begins to develop. According to neuroscientists, these two skills are closely related. When an individual admires others and shows compassion, neural structures in his brain are activated that help form self-awareness.
Caring for others forces a person to reflect on his own self, influences his moral choices, and also encourages him to take part in charitable activities.
In matters concerning self-care, the individual does not protect the boundaries of his self, but, on the contrary, strives to overcome them, that is, he steps over his pride. This is how humanity develops, a sincere desire to care.
In such a desirable, but difficult to implement coordinate system, it is possible to return selflessness, selflessness, restore lost connections, and show genuine concern for people. It is likely that life in society will no longer evoke strong associations with the battlefield for personal gain.
Shredding and individualization of morality
No one cares about others anymore . Currently, there is a moral crisis in society, which is directly related to the cult of egocentrism. Narcissists and hedonists have “abolished” moral regulation, considering it just a kind of entertainment.
As a result of this, a change in moral attitudes occurs. Communities are destroyed, as a result of which personal responsibility to others is weakened. All contacts in one way or another come down to functional dependence, while morality is understood exclusively as the individual’s responsibility to his own person.
It would seem that such morality helps prevent wrong actions, but the range of its action is very limited. In this case, we are talking about a very narrow meaning of this concept - the instinct of self-preservation, for example. In essence, this kind of self-care is more like concern or even a kind of apprehension.
Raising egocentrism to the absolute level is, according to neuroscientists, a vulnerable position.
Experiment results
Scientists observed the lives of almost a thousand people over several decades. At the time the experiment began, they were just graduating from college, and at the time of graduation they were already in their fifties and sixties. The subjects regularly filled out a questionnaire. Based on their answers, scientists could assess their level of life satisfaction.
Those people who lived only for themselves, indulged their own whims and desires, felt spiritual emptiness in adulthood. They were more focused on themselves, on their problems. And even with a good material base, sadness was still felt.
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The same cannot be said about those people who chose a different concept: mentoring, sharing experiences. Some realized themselves in motherhood, others became coaches or teachers. Someone founded their own business and began to share their experience with employees. All these people felt happier in adulthood. They were glad that they were needed by other people, that they contributed, and did not live their whole lives for themselves.
What it is
People who think only about themselves have always evoked not very pleasant feelings among others. What is egoism? Selfishness is when a person puts his own interests above the interests of the people around him. He believes that achieving his goals is most important. Psychologists call such egoism “primitive.” And more intelligent, well-mannered people understand perfectly well that sometimes you need to listen to the opinions of others.
Reasonable egoism is when a person, when achieving his goals, also takes into account the interests of others. A person understands that he can satisfy his ambitions only if he benefits society. Of course, a reasonable egoist also wants to achieve his goals, but the ways to achieve them differ in wisdom.
Reasonable egoists understand that they need to have a sense of proportion and that not all methods are suitable for satisfying their ambitions. Such a person is distinguished by an ethical attitude towards others, respect for their opinions, lack of aggression and a willingness to cooperate with other people.
Traditional way
If we talk about generativity, the traditional way to achieve it is through fatherhood and motherhood. No one says that for the sake of children you need to constantly deny yourself everything, but proper upbringing and the transfer of personal experience benefit not only children, but also parents. There are many examples when parents feel a sense of satisfaction not from their own, but from their children’s successes. They become much happier because they were able to timely and accurately convey to the child what they could or even couldn’t do themselves (they simply pushed the children to solve issues that they themselves thought impossible).
Where did the desire to be good come from?
Look inside yourself. What is behind altruism? As a rule, an excessive desire to be good is born on the basis of a feeling of guilt, a feeling that you are not good enough, that no one needs you just like that, on your own. We think we need to make an effort to earn respect and love.
To get to the root of these sensations, try an experiment. It will literally take a couple of minutes.
- Concentrate, close your eyes, then try to find this feeling within yourself: that you are not good enough, that you are guilty before everyone. Perhaps in the process of searching you will discover other negative judgments about yourself.
- Think about it. Pay attention: where, in what part of the body do these thoughts “respond”? Focus on them, allow yourself to be transported to a moment in the past when such experiences were especially strong. How old were you? Who was nearby? What's happened? Why do you think there is something wrong with you? Analyze what happened to you a long time ago. “Watch” your memories like a movie episode.
- And then think about how these specific moments (or one of them) affected you, your opinion about yourself, about others, about life.
Perhaps this short experiment will help answer the question: how did it happen that you became a person convenient for others.
The Path of Mentoring
You don't have to have children to feel happy in the long run. You can be a mentor in different areas. The main thing is to help and share your experience with other people. These people can be from very different generations. For example, you can help older adults understand computers or smartphones. You can become a tutor to pass on knowledge to the younger generation. You can start a blog and share with your subscribers life hacks that you know, but no one knows yet. The point is to be useful to society.
Manifestations
People who think only about themselves can also treat others with respect. They try to find a balance between their interests and the interests of others. How does reasonable egoism manifest itself?
- A person constantly improves himself. He strives to become better, to improve the quality of his life, but at the same time he does not take into account the opinions of other people. Of course, this is a manifestation of selfishness, but reasonable. After all, if a person feels good and is full of strength, then he will be able to do much more good and useful deeds for society.
- Charity - yes, this is also a manifestation of reasonable egoism. Yes, a person helps unselfishly, but at the same time he receives satisfaction from his activities due to the understanding that he has helped other people become happier and they are grateful to him for this.
For a reasonable egoist, the emotional component is more important than material values. This is how a person gets to know himself better, learns to find balance and inner harmony.
Personal fulfillment
Now look at the interesting situation that arises after abandoning the individualistic concept. It turns out that caring for others contributes to our personal growth. For example, you know how to do beautiful makeup. You can work endlessly as a makeup artist and silently apply makeup to models' faces. Or you can start your own blog: show and tell how to do this or that makeup. In the end, people will thank you for sharing your advice and helping them. You will have more subscribers and, as a result, more clients. In the long run, you can become an influencer and earn millions.
Not a bad script, isn't it? And such a scheme can be applied to any area. It’s just that the tools to achieve the goal will be different. Blogging is just one option. So the conclusion suggests itself: down with egoism, let's follow Erikson's theory.
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Selfishness in relationships
Selfishness in relationships is a problem for most couples, because most often it manifests itself in a primitive form. A selfish man is an owner who does not even try to control his jealousy, but rather treats his beloved as a beautiful decoration.
But women can also be owners, especially if they have always been treated like a princess. Growing up, they believe that everyone should treat them as a treasure, and they only choose who to honor with their attention. But this does not mean that there cannot be reasonable selfishness in a relationship.
This, on the contrary, can help their development. Especially if someone in the couple is familiar with human psychology. For example, if one of the lovers wants his half to engage in self-development, he will begin to do this himself, so that the other person will have an incentive for self-improvement. But it is important that even reasonable egoism be in moderation.
How rescuer syndrome can occur
- The man grew up in a dysfunctional family. American psychotherapist and supervisor Andrea Matthews writes for Psychology Today that a child who does not have support, but senses the problems of loved ones, tries to be a hero for them and takes on overwhelming responsibility. Over time, such rescue may become the only behavior model through which he will feel connected to his parents.
- There was an adult in the family who sacrificed himself. Psychotherapist Sharon Martin, writing for Psych Central, explains that children can also adopt the behavior of loved ones who constantly acted in the interests of others and did not take care of themselves and their desires.
- A similar model of behavior was imposed on the child. Martin says that if children are constantly taught the importance of helping, taught to be helpful, and praised only for selflessness, then caring for others can become their primary way of getting attention, which will continue as they grow older.
- A reaction to a traumatic experience from the past has arisen. One such experience could be the death of a parent due to illness, Martin said. A person may feel guilty about this and try to save someone else, so when they look for friends or romantic partners, they will target those who need saving.
Julia Hill, family psychologist, member of SEFT, ICEEFT, ACEFT
Rescuers are always hyperfunctional. These are people who feel responsible for everything. They are active, energetic, hardworking, and everything in the family rests on them. Usually loved ones say: “What would we do without you!” The paradox is that next to a hyperfunctional person, others are deprived of the opportunity to express themselves and take responsibility. Why bother if everything will be done anyway?
