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Advice from a psychologist And there are people for whom devaluation is practically the only model of communication. Moreover, they don’t notice it, don’t realize it, and don’t even imagine that it could be done differently.
What is behind the depreciation?
Devaluation is a defense mechanism of our psyche. Shell, in a word. People acquire it over the course of their lives, and the longer they live, the thicker and heavier this shell becomes. Who needs it and why?
People with vulnerable self-esteem need it to support their positive image: by putting others down, to elevate themselves. Those who have “mastered” this defense mechanism, as a rule, do not understand the language of love. They understand the language of strength and respect. First of all, you need to respect yourself. For what? You can respect yourself either by developing and achieving impressive success (the constructive path), or by “lowering”, humiliating, and devaluing others. What's easier? Of course, the second one.
Some people - no matter how strange it may sound - use devaluation as a way to support their own low self-esteem. In this case, people do not belittle others, but themselves - their knowledge, skills, goals, achievements. Naturally, not just like that, but so that, for example, once again not to be disappointed in yourself in case of failure (Well, I’m incapable, what can you take from me? What achievements can losers have?).
By devaluing we protect ourselves from feelings. “Be quiet, woman!”, “The man was grinding today!” They usually devalue those who are greatly needed and who are strongly distrusted. They devalue so as not to get closer, not to become attached and not to open up. And so that later, when they hit you (and they will certainly hit you - all past experience speaks of this), it doesn’t hurt.
Why does a person humiliate other people?
Anna Kiryanova, a psychologist, answers the question about the reasons for humiliation. In her opinion, those who humiliate are those who are low people; they themselves are worthless. And deep down, that’s how they evaluate themselves. Here delusions of grandeur appear as the flip side of an inferiority complex.
Having achieved nothing in life, such individuals want to rise at the expense of others, trying to portray them as dwarfs. After all, it is much easier to hide your dwarfism than to grow above yourself. They belittle other people's talents, achievements, victories, spiritual impulses, kindness and beauty. And they try to imagine those around them as small and miserable. At the same time, at their core, such people are cowardly, stupid and cowardly.
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Comes from childhood
Devaluation stems from childhood. Very often, parents themselves build their communication by belittling each other and, at the same time, pointing out to the child his shortcomings. And the child perceives this model as the only one in which he knows how to exist, and takes it with him into adulthood.
Moreover, parents are people too.
With low self-esteem, self-doubt and the feeling that everything in their life is somehow not very healthy. They can be consumed by an unconscious but burning reluctance for someone to be better than themselves. What do we get then? “All children are like children, and you!..” “Again, I spent the whole day collecting my models. I’d rather do my homework!” “Dumb!” Idiot! Nothing good will come of you!”
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And then a “child” grows up, devaluing others and himself, instead of an adult who is confident, successful and knows what he wants.
Malicious influence
How does humiliation kill a person? This happens because it deprives a person of the most important support, the foundation of his personality, his sense of self-worth. After all, without this a person cannot succeed. Therefore, humiliation is the most serious mental trauma that makes itself felt throughout life.
In many cases, victims experience post-traumatic stress disorder. It is expressed in fear, mistrust, intrusive memories, insomnia, nightmares, and guilt. Insults can kill a person without using physical force against him.
Defense strategy
How to behave with devaluing people?
If possible, do not get involved, run, cross them out of your life.
If this is a close person, you are emotionally significant to him and there is hope that you will be heard, you can talk about your feelings, reactions to his words and actions - that this is unpleasant, offensive, painful for you. Ask not to do this again, say what kind of attitude you expect and will demand.
If this doesn’t work, but you want to continue the relationship with this person, clearly catch the moment of devaluation, recognize it and in no case take it personally, but look deeper - what is behind it. What stands, as a rule, is an unconscious panicky fear of intimacy and a neurotic need for love.
Why do people who seek to humiliate or insult other people actually lack self-confidence?
Why do people who seek to humiliate other people actually lack self-confidence?
The desire to offend, insult or humiliate another person does not arise from a good life. A scandalous lady on the bus, a man calling his wife fat and stupid, children at school who are bullying a classmate - all of them are absolutely insecure and, with the help of ostentatious aggression, try to increase their sense of importance.
Moreover, such people are sincerely convinced that a negative attitude towards others has no connection with their inner sense of self.
I had a friend, and this word hurts my ears. No, she’s alive and I hope she’s healthy, we just parted ways, as it seemed at the most inopportune moment for me. Those days were very difficult, which dragged on for months and exceeded a whole year. Every day I learned to live again, to love myself and life. I was facing a difficult divorce from a man I really loved, but alas, living with him no longer made sense. He betrayed me. And our quarrels and showdowns were heard by the now grown-up baby. For the sake of his quiet life, I left when our son was 2 years old. I just realized that my baby shouldn’t see our hysterics and my tears at night, and sometimes even for days, he deserves a better life, and I undoubtedly love him much more than my husband.
My husband made his choice and I just had to come to terms with it and let him go on a free journey and the knowledge of his god “Jehovah”. Yes, sad as it is, my husband joined the Jehovah’s Witnesses network. And my world collapsed when I saw his face with a blissful smile and glassy eyes. In front of me stood a completely different person, or rather all that was left of him. His only conversations were about Armageddon and Eternal Life. He constantly read and attended meetings of this organization all weekends, difficult days, when my son or I were sick, holidays, we were always alone. To be continued later... So...
One beautiful autumn day for me, I met my classmate at the post office, when I was picking up a package, she is a special person for me, our paths diverged after school on her initiative, she simply disappeared, changing her phone number and city. It’s been like 10 years since our last meeting, but you know, meeting her, my soul felt so warm. That dear little man with whom we went through so much sitting at the same desk, a witness to my first love, my first lipstick, foundation, and many other secrets. In general, I was incredibly glad that we met, as if fate had given her to me again.
She became part of my family, godmother to my son, was included in my home, in my soul and heart.
And it seemed to me that everything was mutual with us. But it turned out that it seemed...
It all started with Blinkovskaya’s training, which I wanted to attend, but at that time there was no such amount and I went through the basics. I was very impressed and told her everything that happened in my life honestly and openly to her. To my unexpected surprise, a lot of criticism and insults were directed at me and Blinkovskaya, as a person and her training and all trainings and successful people. That they are deceivers, etc. I just wanted to find myself, which I had lost, to start something new in life, to discover more opportunities for myself, new shores, to understand what I want. There was too much pain in my soul at that time, and probably for me such trainings were like a breath of air to move on, learn something, maybe get a profession or maybe 2.3. Yes, just put yourself together like a puzzle. Now there are a lot of opportunities to earn money, and not only by profession. But my friend, as I considered her, said that I was without a brain, like many people who believe in this. And that I live with rose-colored glasses, it’s my own fault that my husband went to a sect, and that I’m just stupid and worthless... The squabble was long and we said a lot of unpleasant things to each other, although I never offended her. I won’t say what else she said to me... it’s too uncivilized...
She left my life as if she never existed... But the pain in my soul and the sediment remained...
Why do people think that they have the right to judge, decide what you need more, and simply spit in your soul when you are waiting for support and understanding...
Understand the simple truth
No matter how difficult it is sometimes to resist such an unpleasant argument, remember that everything that the other person says about you, he says through the prism of himself. By making fun of your weaknesses, he may have them himself. And by pointing out your actions, he may himself commit unseemly acts.
The only thing you still need to remember is to remain a polite and well-mannered person in any dispute or conflict. You should not compromise your principles just to prove your point of view to others. In fact, there are as many opinions as there are people. But if they say something about you that you don’t like and it happens without your request, it is necessary to stop this behavior.
They want to put on a show
Sometimes partners feel anxious about being the center of attention, so they play the roles of the irritated person and the idiotic partner. Psychotherapist Ryan Howes notes that some lovers may even agree on this in advance, think through jokes or look for reasons for a scandal. In this case, their social anxiety disappears, while people often become nervous when showing their real selves.
Losing situation
It is worth repeating again that if you or your opponent got personal and began to insult you, he has run out of arguments to support his thoughts. Therefore, you should think twice before you start insulting another person.
This method in a dispute is immediately considered losing. It cannot lead to any logical result and satisfy the participants in the dispute. Even if you were insulted and you left, the person who insulted you will also not feel satisfied. This will be dishonest and humiliating, not only for the one being insulted, but also for the one doing it.
There are more cunning ways to get personal. This is when the opponent uses other people for comparison. For example, your sister did not receive an education, but she found a better job. The person focuses on your unsuccessful professional choice, while using third people.
They find it difficult to talk about problems directly
Some people choose to be passive aggressive out of fear of sharing their feelings. They harbor grievances instead of talking about problems in the relationship. The situation is naturally not resolved, the anger does not disappear anywhere, and in order to somehow cope with it, the offended begin to humiliate their partners in public.
Family therapist Travis Atkinson adds that it is not uncommon for a person to say whatever he thinks after drinking alcohol. If, in a sober state, he was able to put up with disappointment, then a couple of glasses of wine relaxes him, and he lets go of control over his thoughts.
They are not shy about sorting things out in public
Sometimes passive-aggressive partners may bring up uncomfortable topics to make sure they are right. At first, perhaps, they argued about something face to face, and then, sorting things out in public, they seemed to invite others to the discussion. In this way they check who is right.
Sometimes conversations about budgets or division of responsibilities are actually interesting to friends of debaters. However, more often than not, those who argue in public discredit themselves as a loving couple and show that they frankly don’t care about the boundaries of their loved ones: not all people are ready for such discussions.
This does not mean that partners should, in principle, hush up their problems. However, they should note whether others are willing to engage in an argument and whether the topic is suitable for discussion with others.
How to recognize a trap?
Sometimes the interlocutor may resort to becoming personal, not because he has run out of arguments, but in order to throw you out of balance. It's easy to recognize. After unflattering remarks have been made about you, your opponent does not seem to attach any importance to this and begins to closely monitor you, and may immediately put forward some next argument.
At this moment, it will seem to him that he is at the height of triumph and he has managed to piss you off. But if you keep track of such moments and don’t let your emotions take over you. Then you may have a chance to survive the argument.
