Why do we beat ourselves up and how to stop doing it

Pia Callesen

Psychotherapist, specialist in metacognitive therapy.

If you're the kind of person who constantly beats yourself up, you know what it's like. The same problem constantly reminds itself. Whether it's a work dilemma or wondering why you suddenly felt a twinge in your side this morning, it could be anything, but you can't stop thinking about it. Thoughts are swarming in my head, but a solution still doesn’t come. Fortunately, you can get rid of such obsessive thoughts. You just need to understand how they work first.

The Nature of Fear

We get nervous because of the fear of losing or not getting what we want. Fear occurs when a person imagines an unfavorable outcome of a situation. Most often, nothing has happened yet, and we are already afraid. It sounds stupid, but this is how our brain works. Constant fears cause anxiety, and anxiety causes stress. The latter carries a lot of consequences:

• Decreased immunity and illness.
• Diffidence.
• Psychological diseases.
• Problems with others.

Do you need it? Of course not. Therefore, you will have to make efforts to improve the quality of your life. Remember the consequences before you push yourself for any reason, it will become easier to stop and stop yourself.

How to stop being nervous about anything?

For some people, even everyday events are stressful. A person who is nervous about anything cannot enjoy life. Even positive events cause a lot of emotions that he cannot cope with. In such situations, you should use several techniques at once to get rid of this habit forever and return to a positive perception of reality.

Shichko method - getting rid of any bad habit

This method allows a person to get rid of the bad habit of concentrating his attention only on unfavorable events that make him feel anxious and restless.

This method involves keeping a diary, notes in which should be left before going to bed. At the same time, you need to regularly write self-hypnosis texts that will motivate you to obtain the desired result.

In addition, you can insert your photos into your diary (or keep an Instagram), assessing the positive changes in your appearance that have occurred over a certain period.

Before going to bed, it is necessary to consolidate in writing guidelines aimed at eliminating feelings of anxiety from a person’s life. This method allows you to quickly change your approach to life and learn to enjoy every moment.

Involvement in an exciting, interesting business

In cases where it is not possible for a long time to detach yourself from the situation that has caused severe anxiety, you need to switch to a more exciting activity.

Reading an interesting book or playing a computer game will help you get distracted.

A trip to the forest, to a concert, or to another pleasant event will help you to detach yourself from the current unfavorable situation. After stress is relieved, a solution to the problem will be found faster.

Affirmation

Saying affirmation phrases is another technique that allows you to quickly calm down in a stressful situation. To do this, you need to create your own relaxed image in your mind.

You should repeat positive statements in your mind that can quickly improve your mood (I am rich, I am healthy, I am happy, I am famous, I am the best).

When using this method within a few minutes, the effect of reducing nervousness and restoring mental balance is achieved.

Regular laughter

Laughter will help you get rid of the habit of worrying about trifles. Some people lose the ability to laugh. To improve your mood, you can read jokes or watch a funny program. Laughing for a long time will help you get rid of unpleasant thoughts and feelings of anxiety. You should relax in this way as often as possible.

Walk

Walking in the fresh air allows you to quickly put your senses in order. It is best to choose a park area for a walk. The sight of trees and well-groomed flower beds helps to quickly get rid of unpleasant thoughts. During your walk, you should concentrate on breathing in fresh air and contemplating nature.

Relaxation massage course

If a person’s work involves solving many problems and the need to be in a state of stress, he should regularly undergo relaxing massage courses to reduce anxiety levels.
You need to tune in in advance to the fact that the professional movements of a massage therapist allow your body and thoughts to acquire the desired lightness.

Observing unpleasant thoughts

Often, intentionally fighting unpleasant thoughts does not give good results. In this case, it is recommended to step back and calmly observe your worries and fears. It is advisable to use this technique in a quiet place where you can relax and close your eyes. Such exercises will allow you to quickly get rid of unpleasant thoughts and see better solutions to problems that arise.

Reasons for corrals

Let us highlight the main situations that do not allow us to stop being sad and driven. It will not be possible to cover everything, but you can draw an analogy for your own case.

So, we often worry about:

1. Own appearance. The hair did not lie perfectly, the nail was broken, the fat was deposited in the wrong place.
2. Other people. They didn’t understand us, we didn’t understand them, how could they do this, why do they like it, etc.
3. Self-realization. I wanted the best, but it turned out so-so. Annoys.
4. Environment. It started to rain, the elevator broke down, the tram blocked the road, so you were late, wet and very tired.
5. Relationships with a loved one. How to stop worrying about relationships is a separate topic, but we will look at the main points.

Appearance

On social networks and TV we see very beautiful people and want to be like them. However, often behind the photo of a beauty there is high-quality makeup and a photo editor, but in life she has a very simple appearance, an overgrown manicure and dry hair. Of course, there are always prettier people, but there are also those whose appearance is inferior to yours. Therefore, no matter how hackneyed this phrase may sound, do not compare yourself to others.

Other people are just as self-focused as you are. If you were cut off a couple of extra centimeters at the hairdresser, no one will notice, and even if they notice, they will forget almost immediately. No one is perfect, so it's time to stop worrying about trifles. It is much more important that the image as a whole is harmonious: clothes of the right color and fit, clean shoes, refreshing makeup.

In addition, appearance is a fickle advantage. In the morning we are all less attractive, and time spares no one. Find your strengths and focus on them.

Relationships with people

It can be very difficult to understand another person. The fact is that the brains of different people can vary greatly in volume and number of zones responsible for certain processes. This means that your interlocutor may perceive information completely differently. Even if you hear the same phrase, you can draw completely different conclusions.

However, respect is important to everyone. Try to step into the person's shoes as they share their thoughts and concerns. Listen carefully, even if he annoys you. You will definitely see a return. Just do this experiment: shift the focus of attention from yourself to someone else. It will no longer be possible to start driving as before.

Self-realization

Things don't always go smoothly at work or school, and not everything works out the first time. In such a situation, it is worth reminding yourself that the more attempts, the higher the likelihood of success. In life, it often turns out that it is not the most talented, but the hardworking, who wins. Make yourself an action plan. When an annoying situation occurs, look at your plan. This way you will remember why you started. The plan must contain:

1. Strategic (long-term) goals you want to achieve. For example, become a leader.
2. Tactical (short-term) goals - how you will achieve strategic goals. For example, fulfill the sales plan for two years, ask for a raise, etc.
3. Fallback options when tactical goals don't work. Example: leave for competitors if they don’t give you a promotion.

You always need to have an option to retreat, then there will be less reason to be nervous. A plan is a great answer to the question of how to stop being driven.

Life without control

At the physiological level, everything is simple. There is a hypothesis that everyone can test for themselves: the body has an ideal self-regulation system. If you comply with several conditions, excess weight will never appear. Let's look at these conditions in detail.

Nutritious food

First of all, this means not limiting the caloric intake needed by the body . This number is not calculated using a calculator, but empirically. You need to rely on your feeling of hunger and well-being. This could be 2000 kcal, or 2500 or even 4000, if you train a lot and actively.

Of course, this also applies to regularity of nutrition. 3 or 5 times a day is not so important. But once or twice is worse; with such regularity it will not be possible to maintain balance.

I used to think that I had to constantly be careful not to eat more than I needed. Do not eat more calories than my body will burn in a day, do not eat more carbohydrates than necessary for movement and basal metabolism.

My body, as it turned out, works differently: it is important for it to have energy “in reserve” ; its needs must always be fully satisfied. Responding to your feeling of hunger is the only strategy that helps you get rid of not only periodic overeating, but also constant weight swings.

The pleasure of eating

Eat with pleasure and trust your desires, but at the same time take into account the laws by which your body works.

Let's say you want a cake. You can eat it right now. Or you can eat it after lunch - then the portion will be smaller, and in addition, you will be able to satisfy the real needs of the body, and not just the brain’s need for glucose.

What makes the body swollen is not just one cake eaten instead of lunch, but the systematic replacement of meals with various types of non-nutritious, but high-calorie foods.

Daily routine and self-care

Long flights and transfers can cause swelling; lack of sleep has an even stronger effect.
The worst way to help yourself look better in such a situation is to take care of containers and regular exercise. It is more important to get enough sleep, rest, gain strength and calm down. Then the natural rhythms and self-regulation of the body will work perfectly and without any control.

Environment

This is perhaps the most uncontrollable aspect of your life. You cannot force the rain to stop falling, the traffic jam to clear up and time to turn back. Therefore, the only and surest option is to score.

When something unexpected happens, breathe out and remember that this is not forever. Moreover, if things are not going well today, something good will happen soon. This is one of the laws of statistics - the desire for the average level. It means that a negative deviation will definitely be replaced by a positive one in order to restore balance.

You should never be upset about money and things that are accidentally lost or damaged. You will always earn more, plus this is a reason to buy something more attractive.

Required effort

Why is the period when you have to make significant efforts to stay in shape so important? You can't miss it. This is the stage at which a huge amount of knowledge and experience is formed, the basis for further development.

Diets

No one will ever believe that “diets don’t work” until several of them show results in the long term. And you must once improve your metabolism so much that even with 1000 kcal per day you can gain from every extra morsel - this is the only way to understand that cutting the caloric content of your diet is a dead end.

The human body is a miracle, and the economization of functions is one of the processes that is so important to study (better, of course, in theory).

Relationship with partner

In this case, we will talk about a healthy relationship when both people take responsibility for their actions. Here you must understand that since a person is with you, it means that he has already chosen you. In other words, you suit him, he values ​​you. Memorize this as an axiom and always remember in moments of weakness.

On the topic of how to stop being driven into relationships, the following points can be highlighted:

• Everyone is in a bad mood. You are not always the reason for this. Don't push things further, mind your own business.
• Ask your significant other to immediately tell you about everything that does not suit him or her in the relationship. Try to correct the situation when you are told to do so.
• When you are in a bad mood, tell your loved one right away to avoid misunderstandings.
• Again, put yourself in the other person’s shoes, try to understand his feelings.
• Be sure to find hobbies or enjoyable activities so that you have something to think about besides your partner.

Anticipate the problem

It is always easier to take preventative measures, while stopping to push yourself when the process has already begun is difficult. Against the general background of failures, any trifle seems significant.

Monitor your nervous system. Enter the following into your routine:

• Regular rest. A tired person is an angry person. Allow yourself to do what you enjoy for at least 15 minutes every day.
• Down with tension. Take a bath with aroma oil, drink mint tea, ask your neighbor to give you a little massage.
• Focus of attention. Make it a habit to do something different when bad thoughts pop up in your mind. For example, to stop racing, start doing 10 squats or push-ups. This will be good for the body and brain: muscles will become stronger, endorphins will lift your spirits.
• Mark of joy. Draw something on your hand in a visible place, get a tattoo, buy jewelry. Set yourself the mindset to stop worrying about trifles when you look at your mark.
• Mindfulness. Praise yourself when you succeed. Don't scold, but notice if something didn't work out.
• Just a man. Allow yourself to be imperfect. We are all like this, understand and accept it.

Re-read information that is useful and inspiring to you from time to time. Work on yourself. You can do it.

Nutrition for the nervous system against stress

It is possible to cope with daily worries and emotional outbursts only if the nervous system is strong enough. And for her to be like this, she needs support in the form of useful components contained in food. We invite you to find out which foods best help cope with stress:

• berries (strawberries, raspberries, currants, blueberries) are a source of vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, and fiber. Eating fresh and frozen berries makes it possible to avoid sharp fluctuations in blood glucose levels, which can cause nervousness and stress;
• nuts - regulate metabolic processes, help maintain optimal blood glucose levels. The high content of Omega-3 fatty acids, magnesium, zinc, and B vitamins allows you to reduce tension in the nervous system even under conditions of high physical and emotional stress;
• dark chocolate is a product containing at least 70% cocoa beans that stimulates the production of serotonin. This hormone improves mood and helps to remain calm in difficult situations;
• celery - the stems and roots of the vegetable contain tryptophan. This substance stimulates the production of serotonin, improves sleep, and reduces anxiety;
• salmon, herring, mackerel - fatty fish varieties are rich in B vitamins, magnesium, and unsaturated fatty acids. All these substances improve the functioning of the nervous system, normalize metabolism;
• cabbage (any variety) - the vegetable contains glucosinolates. These substances reduce the manifestations of stress, minimize the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome, inhibit the development of inflammation due to stress, and improve the functioning of the thyroid gland. Cabbage is useful in any form, but the maximum anti-stress effect can be achieved by eating fresh salads.

Teas made from mint, chamomile, and lemon balm are good for relieving stress after a hard day. And licorice (licorice) regulates the functioning of the hormonal system - it stimulates the adrenal glands when cortisol levels are low and inhibits if the concentration of the hormone is increased.

If you want to cope with stress more easily, stop consuming caffeine-containing products. Don’t get carried away with coffee, strong tea, or energy drinks. To maintain good health and a calm emotional state, you should limit yourself to 1-2 cups of aromatic coffee a day, drinking them before lunch. Then the thought of how not to worry about any complexity will come less and less often.

Irina Sherbul