Perfectionism is a person's belief that an ideal exists and can be achieved. Perfectionists always try to be perfect and often make the same demands on the people around them and the whole world.
In simple words, perfectionism is a person’s desire for ideal and perfection in all areas of life. At first glance, this desire seems quite reasonable, but in reality it can cause harm to a person, and in severe form, even develop into a mental illness. Each of us has perfectionism to some extent. That is why we try to choose the best products in the store, furnish our own apartment well, etc. But there are people who are ready to do anything in pursuit of imaginary ideals. For example, completely change your appearance to meet the standards of others.
They can spend hours honing some minor details in their work, missing all the deadlines, but at the same time they cannot get any satisfaction from the result - it always seems to them that they did something wrong, made a mistake somewhere. This often leads to procrastination - a person begins to think that it is not worth trying to do something, because it will still not be possible to achieve the ideal. Therefore, he refuses to carry out many of his plans, because in practice they do not correspond to his ideas.
A perfectionist does not understand that it is impossible to be perfect in everything, each of us has our own weaknesses and shortcomings, everyone can make mistakes, and this is absolutely normal.
Types of perfectionism
Neurotic
This is a destructive trait. Such a person has inflated ideas about ideals that cannot be achieved. He gets stuck on unimportant tasks, spends too much time on details and fails to get to the main goal. Worries about feeling important because he wants recognition.
When experiencing failure, he stops enjoying his work and experiences a hard time. Gets depressed. At school, such a person kept a perfect notebook, but did not finish the problems.
Adaptive
Healthy perfectionism. Such a person adequately assesses his strength. He knows that the ideal does not exist, but at the same time he wants the best. Can rearrange work plans and think about positive feedback rather than perfection at all costs.
How to communicate with a man and a woman who is a perfectionist
When meeting a woman or man who is a perfectionist, it is necessary to take into account that such people tend to invent “ideals”. The person she or he likes immediately becomes an “ideal” for a perfectionist. The perfectionist extends all his ideas about the ideal husband, partner, friend to him. And when it turns out that the partner does not correspond to all these invented “signs of the ideal,” disappointment sets in, turning into scandal and discord.
Therefore, in order to maintain a normal relationship with a perfectionist, you should immediately explain that you are not an “ideal”; you, like any other person, have a lot of weaknesses and shortcomings that must be taken into account. If your perfectionist partner likes this “alignment,” you can count on a long and positive relationship. If not, it is better to immediately stop close communication.
Research on perfectionism
The concept was first used by the American psychologist Holender in 1965. Alfred Adler and Karen Horney talked about this same topic. They saw the problem as a desire for power and superiority that arises from inferiority.
Then Western scientists developed the structure of the phenomenon. The parameters were identified. British psychologist Frost spoke about the importance of parental behavior. He noted that the craving for an ideal job is not always pathological.
In Russia, research began in the 80-90s. A detailed model was proposed by Natalya Garanyan and D. Khamchek. They named the criteria for healthy and pathological perfectionism. Kholmogorova’s works are also valuable. Together with Garanyan, they described the impact of perfectionism on depression.
Hewitt-Flett Perfectionism Scale
This is a questionnaire scale developed by Canadian scientists. The authors rely on the theory of three components of perfectionism:
- Self-orientation (when a person places excessive demands on himself).
- Orientation towards others (inflated demands on others).
- Social prescriptions (when a person believes that others want too much from him).
The technique consists of three subscales of 15 points. Each one studies one component. The total score indicates the overall level of perfectionism. There are 45 questions in total. You need to answer on a 7-point scale, where 1 means completely disagree and 7 means completely agree.
Among domestic techniques, the questionnaire of Garanyan and Kholmogorova is interesting. He studies several elements of character, the perception of others, high expectations, inflated claims.
Is perfectionism a disease? This is bad?
Hewitt and Flett noted that passion for a high example is not pathological if the joy of results is correlated with effort.
That is, if you experience pleasure from the result that exceeds your “deprivation,” then you do not suffer from bad perfectionism. Here they usually say: “It was not in vain that I tried” or “It was worth it.”
If you are not satisfied with yourself or others, and your self-esteem remains at zero for a long time, no matter what you do, then you need to consult a psychologist.
The main signs of a perfectionist
Among the many manifestations of perfectionism, we can highlight the fundamental
:
- Inflated performance standards and expectations that often do not correspond to real capabilities.
- The belief that others demand too much from you.
- Constantly comparing oneself with successful people, as well as comparing all sorts of actually observed objects and phenomena with certain “ideals”.
- Life is based on the “all or nothing” principle.
Symptoms and signs of perfectionism
How perfectionists behave:
- Puzzled by their shortcomings and mistakes.
- Not sure about the quality of the work done.
- They are waiting for outside assessments.
- They are afraid of not meeting expectations (social perfectionism).
- Constantly compare themselves to others.
- They react sharply to criticism and at the same time get angry with themselves.
- Successes are ignored.
- They live according to the “all or nothing” principle.
How to get out of them and become happy
We all want to be happy, although we each understand happiness in our own way. There are many obstacles on the way to it, one of which is perfectionism. Perfectionism in psychology is a real scourge of modern society. Social networks and many of the values of modern society provoke its development, despite the fact that perfectionism leads not only to dissatisfaction with life, but is also part of depression, anxiety disorders and other psychological problems.
Perfectionism is a person’s desire for an unrealistic ideal and standard in something, which he considers normal, ordinary or the only possible for himself.
The perfectionist denies: denies his own emotions, especially negative ones; denies the possibility of failure or existing failure; denies the success that he has already achieved in this or that matter.
At the same time, even realizing that the standards that he has set for himself go far beyond the norm, a person does not give up striving for them, guided by the conviction: “Having such standards and striving for them will make me better.” But that's not true.
To counter this behavior, researchers put forward the concept of “optimalist” or “healthy perfectionism.”
“Optimalist” is a person who strives for success and happiness, but does this taking into account the real conditions and opportunities in which he is placed.
| Perfectionist | Optimalist |
| Expects the path to success to be straight, clear, and free of obstacles. | Expects the path to success to be difficult, confusing, unpredictable |
| Afraid of failures, makes great efforts to avoid them | Expects failures, perceives them as feedback, uses them to move on |
| When faced with troubles or failure, becomes very upset and disappointed, and has difficulty continuing to move in the right direction. | When faced with failure, accept it as part of the path to success and see the positive aspects in it |
| Expects that happiness or a happy life is a constant flow of positive emotions and pleasant sensations | Expects that unpleasant emotions and difficulties are an integral part of a happy life |
| When faced with unpleasant emotions, he denies them, fights them, tries to get away from them | When faced with unpleasant emotions, he pays attention to them, takes them for granted, allows them to play their role in his life |
| Fixed on goals: never feels satisfaction from the process, always believes that he is still halfway to goals and objectives and only after achieving them can he feel pleasure | Thinks about both goals and the way to achieve them: ready to find satisfaction and meaning in what is now, and not in fictitious goals for the future |
| Even when faced with obvious luck or obvious success, one remains dissatisfied with oneself | Values his achievements and his success |
| He tries to see the downsides, mistakes and problems in everything, thinking that this will help. | Looks for two sides of the coin in everything, both disadvantages and advantages |
| Thinks in terms of “all or nothing”: either win or lose; either with us or against us; either right or wrong | Demonstrates flexibility of thinking, perceives the world not as black and white, but as complex |
| Shows severity towards himself and others, often judges | Indulgent both to himself and to others, gives the right to make mistakes |
| Tends to avoidance, which is why he is often conservative in his views and behavior, does not show activity where he is not confident in himself | He perceives many things as a challenge with curiosity, therefore he adapts relatively easily and is active even where he is not confident in himself and where there is a serious risk of failure |
Do you recognize yourself in these characteristics? Are there areas of life in which you are an optimalist and those in which you are a perfectionist? If your answer is yes, then it’s worth thinking about how this affects your life. Does perfectionism really bring as much benefit as you expect from it?
Reasons for perfectionism
How do people become perfectionists?
People turn into them unconsciously. Upbringing has an effect. Parents do not praise the child, do not approve of him, and often criticize him. He is forced to seek their love. The tendency towards perfection begins even before school or in the elementary grades.
Bad perfectionism is associated with replacing the real world with some kind of ideal. It affects people with an inferiority complex who need compensation.
Problems and consequences
- Perfectionists constantly suffer from internal conflicts and anxiety. They do not forgive themselves for minor mistakes.
- Obsessed with approval. Having received an excellent assessment from society, a perfectionist will strive for it by any means necessary.
- A person does not enjoy life, does not notice pleasant little things. Good relationships with loved ones and friendly connections fade into the background.
- Mistakes cause stress. A perfectionist lives in tension and does not allow himself to relax.
- He overworks, so he gets sick easily. May suffer from cardiovascular disease due to exhaustion.
Perfectionists often raise their children in the same way. They lay the groundwork for complexes, fears and neuroticism at an early age.
How to get rid of perfectionism
It is difficult to defeat perfectionism in everything using a few universal techniques. Working on character also means communicating with a psychologist. It helps determine the origins and symptoms.
Forgive yourself for your weakness
Narrow down the list of things that need to be “perfect.” For example, if you need to give up perfectionism in cleaning, it is not necessary to rearrange books by size and alphabet or sort things in the closet by color.
Go according to plan
Ideas where we want to come to perfection take time. But this does not mean that you need to think about them constantly or work on a project for days.
Let's say you have a hobby that you are fanatical about. Develop a clear program for yourself where you will devote time to him once a day. The rest - relax, chat with friends or engage in spiritual development.
Approach life with humor
If you make small mistakes, look at them with irony, present them in a funny light. This will help you be optimistic and eliminate unnecessary perfectionism in your work.
Practice time management
Limit your time. For example, you photoshop photos and try to make the job perfect. Set the exact time for each image.
Find your speed that will be normal for one photo. Leave as much as you have completed. Move on to the next one. The average person will not notice minor flaws.
Don't get hung up
Perfectionism constrains people and makes them afraid of where they might go wrong. This is partly due to the fear of a blank sheet - when the result of the work will not correspond to what was planned.
If you need to get rid of perfectionism in your creativity, set yourself the task of composing or creating something new every day. Skip the point you got stuck on last time. No need to mark time
Take a break
When you stop getting joy from the thing you want to be the best at, you need to switch. If you are obsessed with work, you will be distracted by any cultural program or self-care.
Do something you've never done before
Recognize that people won't criticize you for going easy on yourself.
A classic example is a girl who considers herself ugly in comparison with her idol. She spends a lot of time on her look and makeup, thinking that otherwise everyone will point fingers.
If she goes out in ordinary jeans, she will make sure that strangers do not care about her appearance. Everyone is busy with their thoughts.
Don't ignore support
In pursuit of approval, a person does not notice real success. Or, conversely, a perfectionist cares only about his own perception of the results, and he treats other people’s words with disdain. It's important to see it from the outside.
If you are an Internet marketer, an artist, write texts, shoot a blog, show your work to friends or family members. Don't argue when they start praising. Share your achievements with colleagues.
Prevention, correction and useful tips
The best way is to make perfectionism your ally. We must remember that the interpretation and evaluation of situations, as well as the meanings that are assigned to certain outcomes, will influence and condition our emotional reactions, perceptions of stress and therefore the way we face problems or threats.
Here are tips so that the desire to improve does not become an obstacle:
- Identify the presence of “shoulds” in your self-talk, as they can indicate irrational beliefs, absolutist and rigid demands that, if not met, increase unpleasant and excessive emotional reactions. Turn them into flexible preferences: I would prefer... I would like... etc.
- Perfectionism limits the tendency to think dichotomously: all or nothing, good or bad, perfect or imperfect. There is also a mid-tone and it doesn't have to be grey, there is a mid-tone in all colours. The fact that a person is not perfect does not in any way mean that he is bad, ugly or has no value. Everything can be improved, but the point is to enjoy what is done and not regret that it could have been better.
- Don't fall into the trap of overgeneralizing: I should always be him or better. Dare to challenge this claim.
- Organize and plan your goals into subgoals or steps that will improve your perception of self-efficacy and satisfaction while providing flexibility and more realistic indicators of your progress.
- Increase your tolerance for disappointment: this is an essential ability for a positive learning process. Mistakes are a natural part of growing and learning in life, and they give us opportunities to correct and improve.
- Focus on the positive and don't give in to catastrophic thoughts.
- Identify your perfectionistic standards and turn them into achievable, consistent, and flexible goals. They will help you make your subjective assessment more realistic.
- Use appropriate behavior instead of avoidant behavior. Focus on what you want to achieve, pursue your dreams and goals, don't move just for what you fear and want to avoid.
- Take the risk of being wrong: To err is human.
- Separate objective criticism from your assessment as an individual. You are not what you do, and above all, what you do is not a still photograph, it is a film in which things change, you change them.
Remember that whatever the reason you have developed these self-serving tendencies, knowing the motives behind them will be a fundamental starting point for adjusting expectations and promoting favorable changes for the success of your goals and the achievement of your well-being.
Natalia Shakhova
Books
"The Perfectionist Paradox"
A book by Tal Ben-Shahar, an American scientist of Israeli origin. A work about how the pursuit of perfection distances us from happiness.
"Better than perfection"
A book from current clinical psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo about how to overcome your inner critic. The author gives 7 strategies.
“Work and personality: workaholism, perfectionism and laziness”
A major work for psychologists and sociologists, dedicated to the modern perception of professional activity. Author E.P. Ilyin, considers the structure and genesis of the phenomenon.
