Unfortunately, almost half of marriages in the modern world break up at some stage in the family life cycle. And everything would be fine, although it is sad to realize that people cannot maintain their relationships. But the most suffering, the most serious hostages of this situation are children. They are the ones who experience the separation of their parents the most and think about what to do if they get a divorce or want to get a divorce, who to stay with (mom or dad)? After all, love is difficult to share. And it’s even more difficult for a child if he thinks about how to reconcile his parents if they get divorced.
The worst thing is that often children are not even notified about upcoming plans for divorce. And this becomes a blow for them. But it doesn't have to be that way. If a child is old enough, then he, of course, sees and understands the situation from the inside. Children are familiar with quarrels in the family and are familiar with the difficult atmosphere. But if this is a baby, then, as a rule, he does not understand anything. And then he is simply presented with a fact: dad and mom will live separately. You stay with mommy (most often).
Stories like this happen often. So first of all, know: you are not alone. This means it will be easier for you. Look around. Maybe there are peers around you who, like you, are going through their parents’ divorce? Then you will have something to talk about and share with each other. At the same time, don’t be shy. It is always easier for two or three to endure grief than for one.
Child's reaction to divorce
Children, of course, react differently. But their reactions have one thing in common: they suffer much more than their parents can imagine. Although a lot, of course, depends on age.
How will a child of preschool and primary school age react?
Here it is important to understand your feelings both for the child himself and for his loved ones who caused such a disaster for him. At the age of 4–5 years, the baby is not yet old enough to understand what a divorce is and who disappeared from home where, why dad doesn’t come home from work, etc. But at 5–7 years old, he is already getting used to the fact that that his parents are his family, which is always with him and will not go anywhere from him. Therefore, in such a period it is very difficult to explain to the baby why dad does not come. And the child experiences different feelings: fear, loneliness. Where did dad or mom go? Am I left alone? Why me?
At the age of 8–12 years, a child perceives the situation of parental separation even more difficult. At this time, he is already acutely aware of any quarrels in the family, any troubles. The main thing is that by this age the child, as a rule, no longer distinguishes the relationship between parents as between separate people. For him, they are an integral family, in which he himself is part of this whole. So here the feelings change a little. In addition to loneliness and fear, disappointment also appears (How could you? I thought I had a real family!), resentment (Which one of you is to blame? Did you think about me?), anger (I don’t want to see you anymore, now that you’re leaving !).
See also:
How to tell your child about divorce without causing him psychological trauma?
When we adults think that children don’t understand anything yet, we are sorely mistaken. Of course, they are unlikely to be able to sort out the tangle of our personal lives. But one nuance is clear to them: someone is leaving the family. And it falls apart. This means that the most important thing that parents should do for their child at such a moment is to let him understand once and for all that their love for him is not going away. That the one who leaves still loves him more than life, that he needs him like air. And therefore everything will be fine in the future. Then fear, loneliness, anger, resentment will recede.
A feeling of security is what a child needs at almost any age. We must try to ensure it under a variety of circumstances.
How will a teenager react?
A teenager is a person who, even without the divorce of his parents, is going through the most difficult psychological period in his life. He no longer feels like a child and is not physiologically one. But mentally he is still an immature person. And he wants to be independent, but for now he is entirely dependent on his parents. It was during this period that he had so many conflicts with his mom and dad. And if this is also associated with divorce, then it may be accompanied by other negative manifestations on the part of the child.
The usual world of a teenager seems to be collapsing. And then there’s trouble from where he least expects it – from his family. Even if he had problems with his parents before, the teenager still perceives this cell as a hotbed, as protection from all troubles. How will he react? He may become withdrawn, or cause a scandal, or leave home. It's very difficult for him. A child may act in a way that is not expected of him. For example, staying with your father, instead of traditionally with your mother; go to grandma or grandpa. The teenager reacts violently to such a situation, whether it is noticeable or not. Therefore, it is better to prepare children of this age for such life troubles in advance. You cannot hide anything from them, because they do not tolerate insincerity or falsehood. In addition, it is necessary to take into account exactly how the child relates to his father, especially if he is a boy. After all, as a rule, young men who remain in a family without a father have the hardest time dealing with their parents’ divorce.
Life stories
Our editorial office received the story of Anton, a 12-year-old boy.
Anton’s grandmother, Anfisa Nikolaevna, told us about it. According to her, the grandson does not know how to reconcile his parents. Anton lives with his mother and believes that she does not love him, because the woman constantly yells at him. The boy is very worried and cries from resentment. Dad lives with another family. He does not help and does not come to his son, since his mother forbade him. The boy sometimes sees his father on neutral territory, but Anton misses this communication. He doesn’t want to quarrel with his parents, he tries to reconcile them, but they don’t hear him and don’t understand. What should a teenager do, how to understand and accept the parents’ decision if they are divorced? Anton is confused and does not know how to behave in this situation.
At this stage, the grandmother decided to contact a child psychologist and insist that her son spend more time with his grandson. She is ready to take the child herself, if only the parents would stop dividing him and taking revenge on each other by using the boy. The uncontrollable behavior of Anton's mother will be assessed by representatives of the guardianship authorities, because no one has the right to prohibit the father from seeing the child without a court decision.
Author: Rita Borzenkova
What to do if your parents divorce: useful tips for children
If your parents decide to divorce, do not under any circumstances perceive this as the end of your happy life. Know that this happens in adults. Maybe you will find yourself in a similar situation later. Probably, the parents had no other choice but to make such a decision. Therefore, try to follow our advice as much as possible so as not to get upset and cause additional stress for your mom and dad. After all, they probably suffer because they understand their responsibility to you.
Tip 1
Don't choose between your parents. Who is better? Who should I stay with? Which one is right? Who is to blame for the fact that circumstances have developed this way? Don't think about it, just accept their decision. Understand that both parents love you, this is how the circumstances turned out. There is no guilty or innocent in this situation. Don’t make one of your parents feel your hostility, your reproaches for what happened. Even if, in your opinion, he initiated the divorce. Remember that sooner or later everything will calm down. And your parents, of course, will forgive you for your behavior, but resentment may remain between you. Why do you need a relationship in which negativity smolders?
See also:
We welcome a new life, or How you can survive a divorce from your wife
If you are faced with a choice of who to stay with, stay with whoever you think is right for you. But be sure to have a heart-to-heart talk with the one who is left without you. Remember: your parents love you, even if they stop loving each other. It is impossible to stop loving your own children!
Tip 2
There is no need to try to manipulate. Divorce is difficult for everyone: both you and your mom and dad. If you start attracting attention to yourself, thinking that this way your parents will be forced to stay together (for example, you will pretend to be sick, you will start inventing troubles), then it is in vain. Anyway, sooner or later your father and mother will divorce, and you will only add nervousness to this situation.
In addition, if your manipulations interfere with adults, they will begin to look for a way out of the situation, because they have already decided to break up. And it may happen that they change their minds for a while. But in this case, do not expect that their life will improve and they will be happy. Most likely, you will only provoke new quarrels. And it will become unpleasant for you to endure this. So, before you manipulate, think: isn’t it a stupid thing to do when you try to delay the inevitable?
Tip 3
Know firmly that you are not to blame. When parents divorce, their children are never to blame. This is simply impossible! Your parents lived a different interpersonal life, most likely unknown to you. They had a relationship that is still unknown to you. There are many nuances that you don't know about. And they had the right not to tell you. Divorce is related to the relationship of the parents, and not to the bad behavior of the child.
Even if you have taken it into your head to go through your own misdeeds in your mind, because of which, in your opinion, their relationship could have deteriorated, come up and ask any of them directly. And they will tell you that you are talking nonsense. That nothing you do has anything to do with their divorce.
Tip 4
Remember that your parents will never stop loving you. As we already said, this is impossible. If your father leaves and you stay with your mother, you can always come to him or just meet him. He is still your dad. And he loves you. It often happens like this: a parent who leaves the family then feels guilty towards the children and tries to help them even more. Besides, you probably have grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters. And they stay with you forever because they love you too, regardless of whether your parents live together or not.
Support your mother if you are alone. She needs your attention and your care.
See also:
Divorce at 50
Tip 5
Don't be afraid to ask your loved ones for help. It’s normal to experience a divorce from your loved ones: mom and dad. It's normal to experience emotional difficulties. Don't be left alone with this problem. Tell your parents about your worries. They will definitely help you. They'll talk to you. Perhaps everything will be explained in an adult way. Parents understand better than anyone that they are causing such experiences to their child and therefore will do everything to make it easier for you. If all else fails, don’t be afraid, tell them you want to see a specialist. A psychologist can bring you back to normal in just a week.
Pay attention to your surroundings. If your friends have divorced parents, chances are they have gone through the same things you have. Talk to them. Together, you will find it easier to understand and cope with these difficult emotions.
Go to your beloved grandmother, brother, sister. Talk to them. You will feel better. You will see.
Tip 6
Take your mind off family problems. You probably have a personal life besides your relationship with your parents.
To avoid thinking about divorce, do something interesting: clubs and sections, reading, etc. New things are the best distractions. That is, start doing something useful and amazing that you have never done before. For example, learn to skate and ski. Come up with something interesting (a new game). Create something beautiful (use a new technique to frame your photographs, etc.). The main thing here is to take your mind off sad thoughts and at the same time do something useful. Help your relatives (for example, grandparents). And you yourself will be distracted, and you will please them.
Recommendations from psychologists
To make it easier for both parents and the child to survive the divorce, you should listen to the recommendations of psychologists who will help reduce the degree of tension:
- It is worth making an effort and maintaining a respectful attitude towards each other if you decide to break up. Of course, after a divorce, former spouses begin a new life, but it is worth remembering that the common link remains the common baby, so it is important to do everything possible for his well-being.
- It is necessary to pay attention to changes in the usual behavior of a small family member. Deterioration of sleep, loss of appetite, frequent colds, aggression, conflict - all this indicates severe stress. If it is impossible to cope with the situation on your own, you should consult a psychologist.
- The procedure for meetings between the child and the parent who has left the family, and, if possible, joint meetings should be discussed in advance.
Of course, it is difficult to advise what to do if parents want to divorce. But only one thing is known - mom and dad must make every possible effort so that after separation the little family member does not feel guilty or abandoned.
Is it possible to reconcile parents?
Children often ask the question: “Is it possible to reconcile parents?” In fact, there is only one answer - no. Your parents are adults. They made an informed decision that, in all likelihood, satisfies both of them. Therefore, no matter how hard and painful it may be for you, try to accept the situation as it is.
In any case, you cannot even contribute to the reconciliation of your parents. Even if they decide to get back together, it will happen without your participation. Don't try to manipulate. Just accept it all. And try to love and respect them further the same way they love you. After all, loving means accepting a person for who he is.
Take care of your emotional state
If one of the parents is deeply depressed, and this happens often, help him not to be depressed. Make decisions yourself, because you can already take care of your loved one. What to do if mom/dad is completely “unstuck”:
- Put your apartment in order - a person’s well-being depends on the surrounding environment. Invite your parent to help you, or even better, ask for advice (how best to wash the windows, how to clean the microwave, etc.)
- This weekend, try to get your ancestor out of the apartment. A trip to the zoo, a walk along the embankment, a picnic, or the beach are suitable. Communication with nature calms and gives strength.
- Small manual work is very good at calming the nerves. If you “suddenly” become interested in beadwork, knitting, embroidery or assembling puzzles and involve your parent in this, it will be just great.
- Sometimes caring for those who are in a more difficult situation helps people get out of depression. If you don’t dislike such activities, then volunteer: help in a nursery for abandoned animals, spread information about missing people, distribute food to the homeless. And be sure to ask your parent for help - after all, you are a minor, you cannot do many things without adults.
- If nothing helps, and the situation gets worse: a loved one refuses to eat, has problems with blood pressure or sleep, or has heart pain, be sure to persuade mom or dad to see a doctor. Sometimes the problem can only be solved with the help of antidepressants prescribed by the doctor.
When using any advice, remember - it must be done sincerely. Parents understand “a game for one spectator” immediately.
There is also one important difference in the psychology of men and women: a woman, in order to survive a difficult situation, needs to talk about it, a man needs to hide in “his cave” for a while and think about everything. Organize a meeting with your friends for your mom and leave the house for a couple of hours. Without you, she will be able to really say what she thinks. When helping dad, let him be alone for a while, and then distract him with some kind of joint activity.
Read more: Psychological needs of a child
