Hello, dear women. According to Rosstat statistics, approximately half of all marriages break up. In different decades, their numbers become a little more or less, but on average (from 1940 to 2021) out of 10, 5 couples break up. Of these, 30% have one child, and 12% have 2 children or more. Divorce is always traumatic. It’s easier for adults to cope with it, because they make their own choices and already know how to manage their emotions. But it’s more difficult for children - their world collapses overnight, and they absolutely don’t know how to live differently. Incorrect behavior by adults at such a difficult moment can break a child’s psyche and lead to serious problems in the future life of a small family member. Let's hide the resentment and pain in the far corner of our souls, use common sense and, listening to the advice of psychologists, try to figure out on the blog how to communicate with your ex-husband after a divorce if you have children. There are just 9 NOTs you need to follow to make life after divorce much easier.
Don't lie and don't hide
Hiding from a child that the parents have decided to divorce is a bad idea. And lying that everything is fine with mom and dad, just that dad was sent on a business trip, he needs to live with his grandmother for a while to help her, as well as saying something like that, is definitely not worth it. Because:
- A child is a very sensitive “organ” of the family organism. He feels in his gut everything that is happening to his beloved parents.
- You will have to lie a lot and for a long time. It’s easy to get lost in your own lies.
- The baby will still find out the truth sooner or later and it will be more painful for him, because he suspected, and you convinced him that everything was fine.
- You will lose not only the completeness of your family, but also the trust of your offspring, and this is much worse.
The truth should be told at the very beginning, when the divorce just happened. It’s also not worth talking earlier - what if you change your mind during the period of reflection (usually two months) that is allotted by the court for reconciliation.
You need to carefully inform your child about the divorce. You shouldn’t make snarky phrases and pretend that you’ve been wanting this for a long time. “Finally, your dad will leave us alone, this asshole doesn’t deserve to be with us or let him go to that fool...” Many examples can be given, but they all only traumatize children. Yes, it hurts you, but take your will, hug your child and say something like this: “Darling, I understand that you are scared by what is happening. You deserve to know the truth. Our relationship with dad as husband and wife is over. From now on we will live separately. This happens with adults. But we both love you just as much and remain your parents. No one will take your dad or mom away from you. Sorry for hurting you."
Don't make your child feel guilty
Having reported the news, expect a violent reaction - crying, screaming, accusations, and it’s better if there are any. It’s bad when a child withdraws and experiences everything within himself. And this usually happens if he feels guilty about the divorce. Probably, the decision was accompanied by several quarrels in which dad accused mom of improperly raising the children, pouring out examples of their mistakes, and she responded by saying that he doesn’t deal with them at all. Hearing this, the child attributes the blame for the divorce to himself. He suffers, believing that his parents would not have divorced and would have been happy without him, and concludes that he needs to disappear, and you will make peace. It’s not so bad if he just leaves home, but tragedy could happen. Therefore, when deciding to divorce, do not impose a feeling of guilt on your child. Explain to him that this is a decision of adults, based on their attitude towards each other and not related to his actions.
If you constantly encounter
Your husband is already an ex, but he is still present in your life. Maybe your mothers have been friends all your life or you live next door. With enviable regularity, you come across people on the street or find yourself invited to visit at the same time. There is only one option - the one who is not satisfied with this acts.
Talk to friends and family once. Explain your position. If they don't hear you or simply don't understand, then don't insist. Stock up on a variety of excuses that you can use if you run into your ex again at a party.
Or move to another city. It is not at all necessary to travel many kilometers; even 20-40 km will be enough to breathe more freely.
Don't turn dad into a bad guy
For children, parents are two halves, for example, of an apple. And if one of the halves turns out to be rotten, then the child will feel inferior and spoiled. Therefore, no matter how offended you are at your ex-spouse, do not say that he is “bad”. Let it be bad for you, but not for your son or daughter. Find strength in yourself, calmly talk with your ex-husband and build a new relationship based on love for your offspring. Agree to behave calmly in his presence, communicate smoothly, politely and in a business-like manner. Ask dad not to speak badly about mom, either in her presence or later. Promise to behave in the same way. Do not discuss your spouse’s faults and shortcomings with relatives or friends in front of your child, and also ask them not to tell him bad things about his father.
Mikhail, 45 years old, driver
I sometimes communicate with my ex-wife. The first time after the divorce I thought that I would never talk to her. We got divorced with scandals, property was divided in court, she tried to collect alimony from me. In general, there were a lot of bad things. But time heals everything. Somehow all these quarrels were forgotten, and now we communicate completely normally. After all, we lived together for 15 years. And no one except my ex knows me that well. I can tell her about everything, complain about life, if anything. She will understand everything. But the most important thing is that with her I don’t need to, as they say, “conform.” She already knows me like crazy. Yes, and it’s easy for her with me. She got divorced again a couple of months ago. Well, what about without a man on the farm? Either you need to hammer a nail, or you need to fix the faucet. I never refuse her such requests. You never know what happened between us, but still you can’t throw away a decade and a half from your life. And she is not a stranger to me. Something just didn’t work out for us in our life together. But the grievances have already passed, and despite everything we are still family.
Do not interfere with further communication
For a child to fully develop, he must have both parents - a father and a mother. Therefore, do not interfere with communication after a divorce. Negotiate the terms and set a meeting time (preferably on neutral territory). Communication should be regular and positive. This is the only way for the child to believe that his parents’ divorce is not the end of the world. You will have to improve your relationship with your ex-husband, remembering that you are doing this to raise a child together. How to do it?
A frank conversation cannot be avoided, but it must take place on neutral territory and without prying ears. Immediately discuss that contact is necessary to build further BUSINESS relationships aimed at stabilizing the moral state of children. During the conversation, avoid discussing the reasons for the divorce, your grievances, its shortcomings and other sensitive topics. Discuss:
- Communication schedule. Designate the days when dad will pick up the child for an overnight stay. And days when they can walk together in the evening.
- Possibility of maintaining habits. If on Tuesdays a father takes his son to karate, and on Wednesdays his daughter to dance, then it’s better that it stays that way.
- The specifics of your own communication. It should be minimal and rational, limited to recommendations regarding nutrition, dressing and other important things, but avoid moralizing.
Urgent issues that need to be resolved, for example, the urgency of purchasing something or an unplanned “day at dad’s,” are best resolved by correspondence in the messenger or by calling. Do not make appointments on your territory and do not “visit” him. Being together for a long time, you will return to sorting out the relationship, and none of you needs this, especially the child.
I note that in some cases, communication between the child’s father is impossible, for example, if the father is an alcoholic, a drug addict, or a cruel tyrant. The recommendation “not to interfere with communication” does not apply to such situations.
Sergey, 45 years old, military man
Why communicate? All your communication will turn into a showdown. When people get divorced, they are left with too many mutual grievances, so normal communication is unlikely to happen. I guarantee you that your meeting will end in scandal. Insults will definitely begin, someone will remember past grievances, and the whole conversation will come down to the fact that “you ruined my whole life.” Of course, there are situations when you have to meet ex-wives and husbands. For example, if you have children. But I try to avoid communication in such cases. I brought the child and went home. No tea parties with your ex-wife. I made this mistake once. It almost came to a fight. She remembered that during the divorce I took some tools from the house, and since then she hasn’t had a wrench in her household. It’s funny to even talk about it, but we had a huge row then.
Don't turn your child into a spy
If the ex-husband left for another woman, initiating the divorce, then communicating with him afterwards turns out to be incredibly difficult, even for the sake of the child’s happiness. But you need to build a normal “post-divorce” relationship, how to do this? Psychologists advise:
- Take a break. Eliminate communication for a month or two to get used to what happened and “seal the cracks” in your own inner core. Tell your children the truth that it is still difficult to communicate calmly with dad, and you don’t want scandals, so you need time to come to your senses.
- Don’t make a spy out of your son by sending him to the ex-husband’s house and then asking him for details of his new wife’s appearance and their relationship.
- Don’t turn the other one against her, don’t force her to do nasty things, don’t drag your child into adult games.
- Don't expect her to love your child. It is better if she treats him with respect, but keeps her distance.
Allow yourself to cry, cry out your grief and come to terms with it. Explain this to your children like this: “I’m sad and hard right now, but it will pass, I’m fine and able to take care of us.” Do not change roles with children, do not force them to grow up ahead of time. Due to their fragile psyche, they are not yet able to do this.
Adviсe
All of the above suggests that it is too early to give up on your marriage. Perhaps if you start on a new line, things will go differently. First of all, decide on your feelings; you shouldn’t fool a man because of your indecision.
When you see the first signs of attention, directly tell your ex-husband that you are not sure that you are ready to reciprocate his feelings. If nothing like this is observed, there is no need to wait until your beloved comes to his senses, walks up and returns. He doesn't deserve it. We put on our stiletto heels and go to conquer new heights.
Don't get dragged into a showdown
When it is impossible to come to an agreement with your ex-husband, since he does not go to peace, deliberately fights and poisons life, you can only remain neutral. Don’t go to war and don’t drag your child into the squabble. Believe me, he himself will quickly understand who plays the role of the villain in this thriller. He will understand and will worry. To help him, explain: “Dad is angry with me, so he’s trying to hurt me, like all people do when they’re angry or offended. I hope this goes away. And someday we will be able to communicate calmly.”
Don't have unnecessary hopes
If for you divorce is an unfortunate mistake. You love your ex-spouse and hope to return him, but he has already decided everything for himself, then the situation becomes much more complicated. Usually wives use children, doing everything to get their ex-husband to return to the family, forcing them to communicate with themselves as with the mother of his child. It is not right:
- If he has fallen out of love, then nothing can be changed.
- The child turns into a tool of manipulation. He feels this and tries to help his mother, because he also dreams of restoring the family. He will take the failure of his plan personally and will suffer.
- The father, realizing that the mother is using the child as a reason for meetings, will avoid them. As a result, the thought of meeting his son or daughter will disgust him, and accordingly, the relationship between father and children will come to naught.
Don’t get your hopes up, don’t manipulate children, don’t try to mend what is broken, don’t hurt yourself more.
Ex-husband wants to come back
However, there are many cases where exes start dating again after a divorce. And some are also walking down the aisle in the second round! “Will your ex-husband come back?” – the question is quite complicated. It all depends on the reason for the divorce. If he went to his mistress, then there is no need to wait for him. In any situation you need to maintain your own dignity. But all other cases give a small chance of resuscitating the relationship.
Don't ask for confirmation of love
Another favorite way for ex-wives to manipulate their ex-husband is to demand confirmation of his love for the child, such as expensive gifts, purchasing something not particularly necessary but urgently needed, spending time together, regardless of work or poor health. “You promised to take him to the zoo, but now you refuse. Temperature - take an antipyretic and go." “If dad loves you, he will buy a new smartphone, let him at least compensate for his absence.” By doing this, the mother herself alienates the father from the children and turns him against herself. The victim in this case is the child, because he again becomes “an ace in the hole,” whose true feelings do not concern any of the warring parties.
Signs
Signs that your ex-husband wants to return to you:
- Interested in your life directly or through friends. An indifferent person does not care at all about how you are doing, what happened to your mother, or what problems you have at work. Consequently, you are remembered and perhaps missed.
- Making up excuses to meet you. Has your ex-husband been unable to move his things for a month? It’s not a matter of forgetfulness; a man is a hunter who first lulls the vigilance of his prey and then attacks. But only the victim decides whether to surrender to the predator or run away.
- He began to take care of himself. Remember how many times you asked your ex-husband to shave, but to no avail. If you notice that your man smells like new perfume, he is always clean-shaven and smartly dressed, then he is not trying for his own sake. In this way he is trying to attract attention to himself.
Don't try to replace the old dad with a new one.
Don't try to replace your old dad with a new one, even if this new one, in your opinion, is the best man in the world. This is how it is for you, but not necessarily for your child. A child may fall in love with his stepfather, but this must happen on his own, and not under coercion. Do not force your love for your offspring on your new husband. Not every person is able to treat someone else's child as their own. Ask both parties to be respectful of each other or, if difficult (usually for teenagers), to remain neutral. And it will be easier to avoid conflicts with the ex-spouse if he understands that no one is claiming his paternity.
Building an adequate relationship with your husband after a divorce is extremely difficult, but it is necessary if there are children in the family. Their morale, health and future depend on the result. Family psychology is aimed at solving various problems between spouses and children, including overcoming difficulties associated with divorce. If you can’t cope on your own, turn to professionals. They will help both you and your children get through this difficult period in life with minimal upheaval. That's all I wanted to say. Goodbye.
How to start living normally after a divorce
Normal life after divorce begins only if each spouse feels comfortable in their new status. After the divorce, you need to learn new rules. Now you are responsible only to yourself, absolutely free and not controlled by your other half.
This condition has both pros and cons. This is especially true for women whose need for care after family breakdown is not fully satisfied. A normal life means a feeling of harmony with one's own “I”. As well as the acceptance of a new status and awareness of what it gives in terms of personal perspective.
How to start living normally after a divorce
Steps towards a normal life:
- Acknowledgment of the fact of separation. Former spouses have long denied that the relationship failed. Even after divorce, some continue to live in accordance with the rules of the previous union.
- Distraction by hobby. To fill the voids and occupy the free time, you need to find an interesting activity. For example, if you used to watch movies together in the evenings, now it is important to organize other leisure activities. Try an active format: sports, fitness, yoga, cycling or swimming.
- Separation of borders. This step requires a clear understanding of the boundaries between the former relationship and the new life.
For most divorced people, the main difficulty in accepting the situation lies in constant analysis and self-flagellation. You should not look for reasons and determine guilt - this will not help you become calmer. Accept your feelings, don't try to avoid emotions. This will help you start a new stage of life.
