Psychological manipulation is the desire for undue influence through the use of mental distortions and emotional exploitation. The purpose of such manipulation is to seize power, control over a person, and obtain benefits and privileges at the expense of the victim.
It is necessary to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. In the first case, we are talking about an element of mutual constructive relationships. The manipulator tries to use another person for his own purposes. He deliberately creates imbalance in the relationship to control the victim.
Behavior of manipulators
Their favorite weapons: guilt, complaints, comparisons, lies, denial (including justification), feigning ignorance or innocence (the “Who, me?” defense), accusation, bribery, use of “foot in the door” manipulation, emotional blackmail , evasiveness, oblivion, false concern, showing sympathy, apologies, flattery, gifts and favors.
Manipulators often try to induce feelings of guilt by saying directly or insinuatingly, “After everything I’ve done for you,” or by constantly portraying themselves as needy and helpless. They make comparisons that are not in your favor or talk about what other people supposedly think about you. Some manipulators deny their own promises or, conversely, blame the victim for not fulfilling something, thus seeking to gain sympathy and power.
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Psychologists offer effective ways to counter psychological manipulation.
4. Hit the patient
There is such an anecdote: a hunter shot an elk at a watering hole, he drinks water and thinks: “I keep drinking and drinking, but for some reason I’m getting worse and worse.”
The victim behaves similarly. The manipulator no longer occasionally, but regularly and actively hits her in the most painful places. Throws hysterics and scandals, gets offended, manipulates with feelings of guilt.
A woman is frantically trying to fix something, to satisfy all the man’s whims, to reshape her worldview to suit his needs. At first she feels devastation and despair, and then a burning desire to return to the fairy tale that was shown to her at the first stage of the relationship. And instead of running from the predator, she runs after him.
Remember your rights
This is one of the basic rules when communicating with a manipulator. You need to know your rights and notice in time when another person is violating them when trying to manipulate you. Personal rights that no one should violate:
- You must be treated with respect.
- The right to express one's own feelings, opinions and desires.
- Setting your own priorities.
- Right to refuse.
- The right to get what you pay for.
- The right to your own opinion, which does not coincide with the opinions of other people.
- The right to care for oneself and protection from physical, mental or emotional harm.
- The right to create your own happier and healthier life.
Based on these rights, a person’s personal boundaries are determined. Unfortunately, not everyone respects the rights of other people. Manipulators routinely violate these rights in an attempt to control their victims. But they can and must be resisted.
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How to deal with a manipulator
Here are some more tips to help you deal with the manipulator.
© Cristian Negroni
Know your rights
When dealing with a manipulator, it is important to know your rights and notice when they are being infringed upon. As long as you are not harming anyone, you have every right to stand up for yourself and your rights.
- You have the right to expect to be treated with respect.
- You have the right to express your wishes, feelings and opinions.
- You have the right to set your priorities.
- You have the right to say no without feeling guilty.
- You have the right to get what you paid for.
- You have the right to have an opinion different from the opinions of others.
- You have the right to take care of yourself and protect yourself from physical, mental and emotional harm.
- You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.
Unfortunately, there are many people in society who do not respect these rights.
In particular, it is beneficial for the manipulator to deprive you of your rights in order to more easily control you and use you to their advantage. But you have the power and moral right to take charge of your life.
Keep your distance
Do you want to identify the manipulator? Observe how a person behaves with different people in different life situations. Although we all tend to distort our behavior to some degree, many manipulators tend to go to extremes, being very polite to some people and rude to others.
If you regularly notice this behavior from a person, try to maintain a healthy distance and do not engage in dialogue with him unless necessary. The reasons for this behavior may be deep-rooted, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with it.
Refrain from beating yourself up and don't take things personally
Since any manipulator tries to play on your weaknesses, you may have a false sense of your own inferiority, and you may even blame yourself for not being able to satisfy his requests.
Remind yourself that you are not the problem, but you are being manipulated so that you devalue yourself and quietly give him power over you.
Think about your relationship with a manipulator and ask yourself:
- Do I feel like I am being treated with the respect I deserve?
- Are the person's expectations and requirements adequate?
- In this relationship, is it just you making the effort or both?
- And most importantly, do I feel happy in this relationship?
The answers to these questions will help you understand whether your relationship problems are with you or with the other person.
Shift your focus by asking questions
Any manipulator will sooner or later turn to you with a request or begin to make demands.
Such requests will force you to try your best to satisfy their wishes.
When you hear unreasonable demands, it is sometimes useful to turn your attention to the manipulator himself by asking him certain questions. For example:
- Do you think this is reasonable?
- Do you think your demands are fair?
- Are you asking me or ordering me?
- What will I get for this?
- Do you really expect me to (unfair request)?
When you ask these questions, you become a mirror of your interlocutor, and the manipulator has the opportunity to realize the true nature of his requests.
If a person has any conscience, he will most likely back down and give up his demands.
Against? chronic manipulators will ignore your questions and will be even more persistent. If this is your case, use the tips above to stop the manipulation.
Take a break
In addition to exorbitant demands, the manipulator most often expects an immediate response from you in order to increase pressure and control the situation.
At such moments, instead of immediately responding to the manipulator's requests, take a break and distance yourself from his or her influence. You can simply suggest: “I need to think about this
«.
Use this time to evaluate the pros and cons of the situation and determine whether you should negotiate more equal terms or simply refuse the person.
Fight back the offender
A pathological manipulator can become a bully when they bully or harm others.
The most important thing to remember about such people is that their choice most often falls on those whom they consider weaker. Passivity and compliance on your part makes you an easy target for a manipulator.
But many of them are also cowards at heart, and if you stand up to them and stand up for your rights, they will often back down.
If you confront the bully, make sure you can defend yourself or have support from others who can attest to the inappropriate behavior.
Don't personalize or blame yourself
The manipulator tries to find and exploit your weaknesses; it is quite normal that the victim feels uncomfortable or even blames himself for not satisfying the manipulator. In such a situation, you need to remember that the problem is not you - this person is trying to deliberately cause negative feelings in order to force you to act in their favor. In this case, ask yourself if this person is truly showing you respect; do you really need to sacrifice something; Do you feel good in this relationship?
How does manipulation differ from ordinary social influence?
The term "manipulation" in psychology has a broad interpretation depending on the field in question. For the purposes of this article, we mean by this word the veiled, deceptive influence of one person on another
;
the desire to force someone to do something in a hidden way, regardless of the needs, feelings, interests, and rights of another person. In fact, in any relationship, people influence each other. Unlike manipulation, healthy influence has a more positive connotation because it leaves room for your wants and needs
.
For example, you were asked for something - you agreed, or refused, or came to a compromise. In addition, close people influence each other because they want to see family and friends healthy emotionally and physically and act for their benefit. An example is friends encouraging you to give up bad habits. Let us leave aside how legitimate and necessary such an action is. The goal itself is important - formally positive, aimed specifically at you. This is the qualitative difference between influence and manipulation: the manipulator acts for the benefit only of himself
.
Manipulation differs from healthy influence by the intention to take without giving in return.
Resist demands
Psychological manipulators make certain demands that the victim meet their needs. If the demand is unreasonable, ask the manipulator a few questions:
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- Does the demand seem reasonable and fair to him?
- Do you have a say in this situation?
- Are you asked or given instructions?
- What do you get out of it?
The “broken record” method
The answer should be very simple, and it should be pronounced as detached as possible, without allowing yourself to be drawn into an emotional carousel.
- "I will not do it".
- “I don’t like this situation.”
Talk about yourself and your emotions “repeat” - as many times as it takes for the person to stop and understand you. Does not help? Perhaps at the moment your interlocutor is not able to understand anything at all, it is best to leave him for a while and return to the dialogue another time.
"I need…"
Say directly what you want from the manipulator: “I need you to stop insulting me,” “I need you to talk to me calmly,” “I need you to take care of this yourself.”
When you start by telling the manipulator “I need it,” this is a strong counter to their tactics. You are simultaneously saying no to what the manipulator wants and replacing it with what you want instead.
“It’s better for me now...” is another way of saying what you need and refusing the manipulator’s requests. When dealing with such a person, it is best to focus on your own needs. You give up what the manipulator needs and replace it with your own needs.
Honesty about the situation, not about yourself
We all make mistakes—and perhaps an angry person has every reason to be angry with you. Take a time out, ask for advice from an uninterested party, analyze your words and actions - perhaps, even if you do not discover your own wrong decisions, you will find a way to resolve the situation without compromising your interests, and this is already a lot.
Reject his assessment of your emotional state
The manipulator is usually trying to tell you how you feel. Don't let him dictate your emotions. You control your own emotional response. The manipulator uses tactics of talking about how you feel to make you defensive by showing anger, fear, or sadness. You always have the choice to be positive, happy and joyful, even when you are dealing with such a person.
Interrupting any connection
The simplest and most effective thing you can do is to interrupt the connection. Immediately and sharply. Stop the conversation, end the relationship, return the gifts and do not seek help. It’s another matter if you have something more in common with this person - then you need to think carefully about what you get from this relationship and whether you are manipulating yourself.
For example: a young woman complains about her mother-in-law’s constant nagging while living in her apartment. The solution is to separate, and the reason for the conflict will immediately disappear.
Remember your worth
Manipulators take advantage of people with low self-esteem. The problem is that the manipulator also has low self-esteem, so he will look for others to control, trying to lower their self-esteem even further through insults.
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Passive-aggressive people fear conflict
I remember coming home very late one day as a teenager. We had an elderly relative visiting us, and the next morning at breakfast she said to me, “I hope you had a good time? Yes, probably, since you didn’t come home until twenty minutes past two!” This was said with enthusiasm, and I seemed to have to smile in response, but I perfectly understood the subtext. What she really wanted to say, in front of my mother, was, “You woke me up when you came home!” That's why she knew exactly what time it was.
The goal of passive-aggressive behavior is to criticize or complain without going into open conflict. We all do this sometimes, but for some people it's the norm when they're upset or angry. Typically, such people are afraid of conflict, usually because they have some unpleasant memories associated with it, but they do not want their disappointment to go unnoticed. In fact, passive-aggressive behavior is completely pointless because it doesn't solve any problems. It just makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
I once had a colleague who always turned in any work at the last minute so that everyone else would work harder. Technically he was on time, but the rest of the team always tried to help each other to finish everything early. This man was angry with us and thus tried to punish us. He couldn't say that he had some kind of problem because he was afraid of provoking our aggression. I still have no idea what exactly he was angry about, but whatever it was, it was never resolved. I suspect he is still angry at those he works with today.
One of the biggest problems with this type of behavior is that if you directly confront the person with the claim, they will definitely deny everything. “I didn’t do everything at the last minute on purpose. It just took longer than I thought." And it turns out that you are unfairly accusing the person. And he seems to have the right to feel offended.
What should you do if you have such a passive-aggressive boss, partner, mother, colleague, child? First, recognize that this is aggressive behavior, no matter how well veiled it may be. Otherwise, you will feel guilty that you are “unfairly” blaming him. If you let him continue like this, it will be bad for both of you.
Sometimes humor works. In our family, any behavior of this kind is usually met with a joke: “You don’t need to be so passive-aggressive with me!” Even if this person denies everything, after such words he can no longer continue to behave this way. More persistent violators should be pinned to the wall. But at the same time, you need to show them that expressing their disappointment or resentment does not necessarily lead to conflict. They are afraid of this and will not change their behavior unless they understand that there is no reason for their fear. Just tell it like it is and show them that you want to work out a solution to their problem that benefits everyone.
Also, it pays to be specific. There is no need to say: “You always turn in your work at the last minute.” Give specific examples and let the person know that this is unacceptable. Under no circumstances try to respond to the aggressor in kind, for example, do everything for him at the last moment. This will make you even more passive aggressive than him. What then is your moral superiority?
Don't say anything at all
Manipulators love to use drama. If they can make you anxious and angry, afraid or sad, they think they have won. Stay calm, control your breathing and focus on your body. Feel a feeling of tightness in your chest, shoulders, neck and abdomen. Try to relax these muscles when you look into your manipulator's eyes.
Some may find this difficult. Your calmness can infuriate the manipulator. Resist the urge to respond in kind. Your manipulator will quickly realize that he is unable to change your emotions and will move on to another, easier target.
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Address the manipulator by name
Address the person by name - in the form in which he introduced himself to you (if Dima - then Dima, if after all Dmitry - then Dmitry, and if it is customary to say Dimon - then Dimon). By doing this we show our respect. People whom we truly respect subconsciously begin to feel sympathy for us.
What should I do to forget this person?
To forget a person who manipulates you “closer and further”, you need to take three steps.
Step 1. - Stop contact, for good.
You must decide to stop contacting him at all costs.
Important! This decision is necessary to make, because subconsciously you understand perfectly well that the most effective way to stop thinking about this person is to return to him. The result of using manipulative tactics towards you is that you cannot find peace for yourself if he is not around.
But for us returning is not an option. Therefore, it is necessary to cut off your escape routes. This is the essence of the first step.
Step 2. Work through the image of this person in your mind.
Read my post “How to get someone out of your head.”
This post is universal. It is suitable for all situations, be it unrequited love, painful falling in love, a terrible resentment towards a person, because of which you cannot get rid of thoughts of revenge, intense jealousy and other situations.
Near-far manipulation is just one of these situations. This post will help you.
Step 3. Start working on yourself
This is the most important step.
You see, not every person can become a victim of manipulation.
In order for you to be manipulated, you must have a set of certain psychological conditioning that allows others to do this.
And specifically in your case, that is, when manipulating “closer-further”, you must have three things:
- A combination of conscious fear of abandonment and subconscious fear of intimacy.
- Low self-esteem.
- Low threshold of sensitivity to feelings of insecurity and insecurity in relationships.
Before I go into more detail about each of these things, I will make an important note.
These three things work closely together. Taken separately, none of them by themselves will lead to you being manipulated. Therefore, you will have to deal with everyone at once and at the same time, but I will write about this in more detail below.
First, a few words about the first thing, that is, about fear.
What is “closer-farther” manipulation?
The idea of this manipulation is to alternate between giving and withdrawing attention in order to create a feeling of anxiety in you. With its help, you can easily be tied and in the future controlled.
This manipulation is based on the default desire for validation . This validation occurs through the provision of attention.
We simply love when we are given attention. And if the need for attention is properly exploited, adding the fear of losing this attention, you can make a person very pliable. This is the essence of the “closer-further” manipulation.
This manipulation, as its name suggests, consists of two phases.
The first phase is the “Closer” phase
During this phase, a person gets close to you in every possible way, shows you signs of attention, is as charming and courteous as possible with you, etc.
He can call and write to you often, give you compliments, look after you, arrange beautiful dates for you.
Add quality sex to the mix and you're hooked. You begin to see this person as a source of attention and validation that no one else can provide. Other people simply pale in comparison to him.
Second phase - “Next”
When you get used to the person enough, the “Next” phase begins.
The person moves away from you, and you develop fear, anxiety and misunderstanding of what is happening. In this state, you are very malleable and desperately want to regain the source of validation, that is, this person.
As soon as you reach a certain condition, a person suddenly appears on the horizon, and the “Closer” phase is activated again.
At first, you may be terribly sulky and offended that they treated you this way, but this is temporary. Very soon you will become even more attached to this person, because you are subconsciously afraid that he might leave again.
Attention! This manipulative tactic can work in several cycles, and with each cycle you become more and more attached to the manipulator. Moreover, you become attached not only during the positive phase, that is, the “closer” phase, but also during the negative, that is, “further” phase. After all, the more you think about someone, the more attached you become to them.
An important caveat needs to be made here.
