In this article, you will learn how to respond to rudeness from a client, boss, colleague, or other person. Learn techniques that will make you a wall that no boor can break through.
The article will be tough, so it is best for impressionable people to read it carefully. I advise everyone else to look at the recommendations and apply the most suitable ones at work, at home and in everyday life.
“When a person is hungry, he becomes angry and aggressive”
Maria Prokhorova
psychologist, accredited gestalt therapist
– This type of behavior, such as rudeness, is typical for people who are bitter, embittered and offended by the whole world. Most often, they grew up in a deficit of parental love and conditions of emotional hunger. And, having matured, such people act from the same deficit state, see the surrounding reality distorted and react very sharply to it.
A person in a state of completeness is happy with everything. He has no desire to notice the bad, to defend himself from the outside world and to be rude to passers-by - this is the lot of unhappy people.
A trivial example: when a person is hungry, he becomes angry and aggressive. And after physical hunger is satisfied, a person becomes kinder, softer, more accommodating. And in the case of emotional hunger, everything is the same.
Rudeness or constructive criticism?
But before using the advice of a psychologist, you should carefully understand the situation. Some people, as a result of their emotional anxiety, may perceive criticism as rudeness. In this case, they lose very valuable and important information about themselves.
How to distinguish rudeness and insult from constructive criticism? The answer is very simple. Rudeness is aimed at destroying psychological integrity and hinders further development. Criticism allows the individual to recover. She motivates to improve.
Why are people rude
In order to understand the reasons for boorish behavior, it is worth turning to parent-child scenarios and looking at the life context and conditions in which a person grew up: an adult demonstrates what he once saw. As a child, his psyche adopted certain patterns of behavior - consciously or unconsciously - and now he lives according to them.
In fact, rudeness is an acquired behavior that a person chooses for himself as the most suitable. This way he can simply defend himself . Protect your insecure, complex, wounded inner child, who himself needs help, but cannot demonstrate his own vulnerability, because he is afraid that the environment will use his weakness against him. Therefore, he uses attack as a method of defense.
It can be assumed that either there was physical or moral violence in this person’s family, or he was bullied at school - teenagers can be very cruel in their manifestations. And if this continues for years, then the child somehow absorbs patterns of behavior - and can subsequently reproduce them.
Rudeness in the store
Very often rudeness comes from incompetent strangers. In this way they try to emphasize their importance and increase their status. They should not be taken seriously at all. And even more worrying about this.
Of course, it is very difficult to restrain yourself if you hear public insults in a store. The rudeness of sellers puts them in an unpleasant position.
How to react to rudeness? It is useless to switch to the language of a boor
Most often , the first thing you want to do is respond to rudeness just as aggressively. And this is a normal reaction, which indicates that everything is fine with your internal boundaries, you feel their violation and can put the offender in his place, making it clear that you cannot do this to you.
However, in such a situation, it is worth remembering that switching to the language of a boor is useless - a constructive dialogue with him is impossible, and reading lectures and appealing to a sense of shame is a waste of time. This will only be an additional hook for the boor to further develop the conflict, feed on your energy and pump up his own ego.
In such a situation, it is best to restrain your impulse to respond with disgust to disgust , take a conditional step back and try to see what is actually hidden behind the mask of a boor. And if you manage to see, then the desire to be rude will immediately disappear, replaced by pity, sympathy and, perhaps, even compassion.
Instead of responding with rudeness, it is better to say something that will surprise, affect the boor, and change the picture of his world, in which all people are enemies and need to be protected from them. After showing kindness on your part, the boor's behavior will paradoxically change. For another minute or two, out of inertia, he will bite and defend himself, but then one way or another he will turn to his human nature, become softer and begin to demonstrate a completely different self.
Recommendations for drivers
- Attentiveness. The best way to understand how to react to rudeness on the road and deal with it is not to be the culprit of rudeness. You must adhere to traffic rules. And in cases of minor violations by other drivers (you didn’t have time to move), there is no need to honk. It is enough to flash the high beams.
- Rest. This is especially true for people who frequently use a car. They should take time to take a break and warm up their eyes and whole body. This will also protect you from being a victim of boors.
- Stress relief. A spoiler is a much better prevention. After a hard day, psychologists recommend meditation, talking with a loved one (you can complain about the offender), sports or listening to music.
- Behavior training. It is not always possible to control life situations. In the event of a clash with a rude person, you should not try to talk to him and prove something. You need to close the doors and windows, and also point the video recorder at the stranger to record his actions. Next, it is important to take care of leaving the scene of the incident. If necessary, it is recommended to call the police.
- Save time. It is unlikely that another traffic participant is worth the health and time of the one he is trying to offend. It is worth showing wisdom and avoiding conflict.
Three reactions: fight, flight, freeze
People can have different reactions to stressful situations, but the most common are three: fight, flight or freeze.
The “run” option is good if you encountered a boor for a couple of minutes and life will no longer connect you - that is, he is an ordinary passer-by, and not a relative or work colleague. In such a situation, it is better to take care of yourself and ignore the attack, bypass it and not think about it. It is important to understand that this is done on purpose, and the insults that arrive have nothing to do with you - this person is seeing you for the first time.
The “hit” option (that is, answer) is appropriate if you feel your own strength and stability. However, it is important to take into account the context of the situation: getting into an argument with a boor while being one on one with him can be dangerous. The offensive behavior is best used in a public place where you can enlist the support of others. Moreover, you need to answer not in the language of a boor, but from your own stable position, simply outlining the boundaries of what is permitted in your address.
The “freeze” reaction rather indicates that you yourself are finding yourself in a traumatic situation. If in response to rudeness and aggression you freeze, cannot say or do anything, you are immobilized, most likely you need qualified psychological help. Perhaps at this moment you are regressing to the age of a child - and then it is important to determine what was in your history that you could not cope with.
In general, the best reaction to rudeness is humor. A condescending attitude towards an attempt to ruin your mood and a sarcastic response will confuse the boor, and will help you keep your self-esteem in balance.
Method one. “More precisely, even more precisely”
Ask the boor a clarifying question. Then another one. And further. And further. And so on ad infinitum. For example, very often, when a dispute runs out of arguments, one of the participants puts forward a seemingly undeniable argument: “If you are so smart, show your money!” In response, you can ask what amount will suit him? Is a gold card suitable or do I need cash? In dollars or euros? Are rubles considered? At which bank's rate? Do you need a tax return? The main thing is to remain calm and smile if possible. Your task is to tire the boor with endless clarifications. As a result, the last word is yours and without any rudeness.
What to do if they are rude to someone nearby?
It is important to understand both the context of the situation and your own reaction to rudeness. “Hit” and “flight” indicate that you have enough inner strength to resist rudeness and be a support to another person. In this case, you can become the very “adult” whose support the victim now lacks. Therefore, if you see that the person being attacked is not able to get out of a traumatic situation on his own, you can protect and support him.
This behavior will also be a lesson for the attacker, who will be able to see that not everyone is an enemy, but that there are also kind people who are ready to help.
If this is not an isolated incident with an ordinary passer-by, but situations are repeated regularly (for example, someone is constantly offended at work), then a very dangerous situation can turn out in which the victim will always take a weak position, the offender will act out the role of the aggressor, and you - the role of a rescuer. And this situation will be impossible to change, because each participant will play the same roles over and over again. Moreover, a person in the position of a victim will not evolve - and you, despite the best intentions, will do him a disservice.
In such a situation, it is better to talk to the victim, show that you understand how difficult it is for her, and advise him to seek help from a psychologist who will help examine what is happening and teach him how to find a way out of such situations and protect himself. It is important for a person to “grow himself up” a little, to find internal resources and strength that will allow him to cope with difficulties and get out of any situation with dignity.
Life hacks for spouses
One of the popular conflict problems for women is how to respond to a husband’s rudeness. If this is an exception to the rule, you should be wise, listen and have compassion. Men have many problems: work, money, car repairs, etc. You need to either advise something or remain silent, and also demonstrate love and care, and help you relax. If this is the norm, and the husband ignores attempts to talk and understand the reasons, a radical solution to the problem is quite appropriate. You don’t have to file for divorce right away; you can live separately temporarily. And in no case should you respond to rudeness with rudeness.
It happens that spouses suffer. In such situations, you need to protect yourself by avoiding offense. Sometimes you need to protect your wife too. The most important thing: calmness and no use of force. It is likely that its changes are characteristic of a certain state of the body, then it is best to be attentive and caring. It may be useful to change the environment, spend time alone, and make the woman feel loved and needed. If the behavior is chronic, conversations are needed. Openness and sincerity are the best cures for misunderstandings.
What motivates boors? Such a person most often thinks poorly of himself
Most often, a person with boorish behavior is guided by his fears: being rejected, being left alone, being misunderstood - this is difficult, this is another psychological trauma. And, in order to prevent it, a person, using such a crooked method, defends himself.
With the help of feigned rudeness and rudeness, a person masks his own self-doubt and low self-esteem. Through bravado and outrageousness, he tries to avoid direct contact with others, in which he can reveal his real self. And such a person most often thinks poorly about himself - that’s why he is afraid that he will be rejected and not accepted.
That is, if I myself am afraid of something, I will strenuously demonstrate the opposite in order to certainly create the desired impression of myself. In this case, a person can doom himself to loneliness - embittered and rude people do not have many friends. Around him will be gathered either people like him, or weak people, “subordinates”, who will look up to him and feed his ego.
In addition, there may be an illusion that rudeness is a sign of strength and power, an attribute of the “higher stratum” of society: supposedly people who have achieved something can afford such behavior. And a person who wants to join this layer and position himself as successful and self-confident can indulge in boorish behavior, letting others know that they are nobody and can be treated like that.
Reasons for rudeness
Knowing the etiology is very important in order to have information on how to deal with rudeness. Psychologists have proven that among the most common causes of rude behavior are bad manners and the social and psychological poverty of a boor. Such people also have developed intuition and an instinct for self-preservation (they prefer not to deal with those who are able to protect themselves).
Why you have to deal with rudeness:
- Fatigue. Constant stress, problems at work and with sleep, difficulties in relationships are a risk for the emergence of an involuntary conflict situation. Every person, even the calmest and most mentally stable, had to go through this.
- Lack of love. Lack of parental attention, love and care creates an angry, self-absorbed personality. Such people are characterized by a strong desire to be noticed, so they constantly become participants in verbal altercations, show disrespect for older people and are rude. In addition, similar consequences are characteristic of another development of events: when parents encourage capriciousness, and the child remembers the effectiveness of the manipulation method.
- Poorly developed skill of justifying a view. People who have nothing else to say prefer to get personal in discussions. Vivid examples are indications of the opponent’s external shortcomings, family nuances and problems, income level and other obvious rudeness.
- Self-affirmation. As a rule, this line of behavior is popular among people with power in society or a certain circle. A rude person chooses as a victim someone who is inferior to him in some way: strength, beauty, prosperity, and others.
The list of the most popular victims of rudeness includes people:
- with low self-esteem;
- suspicious;
- well-mannered, intelligent;
- those who prefer to avoid conflict situations or do not know how to behave in them;
- respectful of other people and their feelings.
Behind the mask of a boor and a brute is a child
It is important to understand that behind the mask of a boor and a rude person is a child. The physiological age of this person can be absolutely any, but psychologically he is obviously stuck in his childhood years - in the period when an injury occurred that he could not cope with.
The position of an adult is to be tactful, confident, and communicate with people on the same plane. The boor is trying in every possible way to achieve his superiority and show that he is taller and cooler, although inside he feels exactly the opposite, and this leads to conflict.
Most often, such a person needs help, although he himself does not realize it, being confident that everything is fine with him, he is coping with everything and has everything under control. Life is not easy for him among ordinary people.
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Photo: from the heroine’s personal archive.
6) Ignore
You are not obligated to respond when you are rude. Sometimes silence is the most appropriate answer. When we respond to rudeness with rudeness, we join the game that the boor has imposed on us. You can simply ignore him, thereby showing that his opinion is insignificant to you. You can ignore the person and respond only when he begins to behave more correctly. A provocateur may change his behavior to earn your attention. Of course, this does not always work and you need to act based on the situation and the specific person.
