Ending a relationship with a narcissist is one of the hardest things a person can do. Narcissists, we think we know everything about them because we read about these people. Familiar with their games and manipulations. We know that a relationship with them is tantamount to disaster.
Anyone can be a victim of abuse from a narcissist. No matter how confident, strong and secure a person feels, anyone will become unworthy of love because of a heart broken by a narcissist.
In a normal parting with an ordinary person, everything will be said with respect and mutual agreement. You won't feel scared or stressed. But a relationship with a narcissist is not normal, and therefore neither is a breakup. This is why you must know how to safely remove yourself from their presence and influence.
What is a narcissist?
Psychologists call men who have highly inflated self-esteem narcissists.
In other words , such a person thinks that there is no one better than him in the world . He constantly admires himself and believes that others should do the same.
Men belonging to this category find it difficult to interact with society. They have almost no friends, but girls often fall in love with them. An affair with such a person is distinguished by its swiftness, but therein lies the problem.
Narcissists quickly lose interest in their chosen one . They have already achieved their goal, satisfied their own ego. Logically, they should quickly end the relationship with the girl. This often happens if the initiative comes from the guy.
The situation changes radically when the girl starts talking about breaking up. The narcissist feels violated. This deals a serious blow to his self-esteem. He tries to win back his partner in every possible way. If this does not work out, the man begins to take revenge.
It is also difficult for girls to end a relationship with such a guy . Narcissists quickly become attached to themselves, involuntarily using various levers of psychological pressure. However, they themselves may not be aware of it.
About daffodils - in the video:
How to get rid of narcissism
Narcissistic disorder is often demonized, narcissism is easily attributed to abusers and manipulators, and it is indeed part of the so-called “dark triad” - a typical list of personality traits for people prone to malicious behavior. But this does not mean that every narcissist is a cruel tyrant, and his behavior cannot be corrected. If a person realizes that the specifics of his personality create difficulties for himself and bring pain to loved ones, he can successfully undergo psychotherapy. Drug treatment is not used in this case unless there are other comorbid disorders (for example, anxiety or depression).
Olga Gumanova:
“With experience, I am increasingly convinced that the popular “narcissophobia” today has no real basis. Any personality disorders and neurotic types of personality organization are not corrected only if a person denies his pain, depression, and tries to pretend that everything is fine with him. Narcissists actually have more reasons to deny problems because, as a rule, everything is fine with their careers and personal lives. Why do I need a psychologist if I have a prestigious position, a high salary and a crowd of fans?
Now 60 percent of psychologists’ clients are narcissists. People come because they are in pain, they have a very disassembled, fragmented self, they no longer want to endure it and want to change. And they can change if they want.”
What are the dangers of a relationship with such a person?
Relationships with narcissistic men follow a classic pattern. At first, everything happens like in romance novels - the guy gives flowers, looks after her beautifully and turns the girl’s life into a fairy tale.
Thanks to this, the woman quickly becomes attached to the narcissist and lulls her vigilance. However, the idyll does not last long. A few months after the start of a relationship, the first alarm bells appear.
The man tries to make sure that the girl spends all her time exclusively with him. This is achieved through psychological manipulation.
The narcissist strives for complete social isolation of his victim. Jealousy can even manifest itself towards relatives and close friends .
At the same time, the man tries to instill in the woman the idea that all the troubles that happen in the relationship between partners are only her fault. Over time, the narcissist's victim develops a constant feeling of guilt. This leads to the fact that a person begins to consider himself inferior. Even his thoughts begin to seem wrong to him.
Doubts arise about your adequacy . At the same time, the man strongly reinforces this opinion with his actions and words. Over time, he begins to control all areas of his partner’s life. For any deviation from the conditions created by him, the victim is punished. This can manifest itself mentally or physically.
All this leads to psychological trauma for the girl after a short time. Such relationships need to be ended, although this is not easy, because the woman very quickly gets used to the narcissist and believes that the troubles that arise are only her fault. Here we should not forget that narcissists do not reform. There are such chances, but they are insignificant.
Why is it difficult to break an emotional connection with a narcissist?
Before discussing the effects of narcissistic exploitation on your brain, let's first discuss
Impact of traumatic factors on your brain
The impact of emotional trauma in the context of intrafamilial emotional abuse is still greatly underestimated. I've lost count of the number of times I've encountered an ignorant person claiming that if they were in a relationship where their rights were being violated, they would immediately end it - in a condescending tone that blames the victim for not doing so. It should be noted that these people themselves have never experienced emotional abuse, and perhaps they have not even read a single book about psychological trauma. This further compounds the toxic shame that survivors feel. These are all part of the multifaceted experience of survivors: the emotional “numbness” resulting from dissociation and the imposed “numbness” resulting from social norms that dictate “letting go,” and “moving forward.” All of these arguments have an extremely damaging and re-traumatizing effect on the psyche of the victim - as the trauma can leave a mark on our minds - and even our bodies - for the rest of our lives. No one should be allowed to compare your trauma to another person's. Each person's response to trauma is very individual, and each individual's individual characteristics must be taken into account, as well as the impact of the trauma in each individual case. Society needs to get rid of the idea of "leaving everything behind" - as this only enhances the effect of "emotional numbing" - which causes significant damage to our hearts, minds and bodies.
Those who judge and shame victims in cowardice themselves have very limited minds, and an inability to compassion - which is precisely what victims need most. Van der Kolk explains why traumatized individuals experience increased anxiety - as well as a "paralysis" that causes much suffering - which Mayer and Sleigman call "learned helplessness." In 1967, Mayer and Sleigman conducted studies on dogs that received a series of electric shocks - their attempts to escape from the traumatic circumstances were constantly suppressed. In the end, these dogs gave up trying to escape, even when there were no longer any obstacles to this. Pteresnon and Steigman later concluded that the same “learned helplessness” also operates in other situations in which the victim is subjected to physical or psychological abuse. This is why victims of psychological and emotional abuse - and especially victims of narcissistic exploitation - find it extremely difficult to find a way out of this situation - their perception of the situation is highly distorted, and does not coincide with their real situation and capabilities - even after multiple attempts to convince the narcissist to change, experiencing in at the same time, constant emotional abuse.
Traumatized individuals are in a state of increased anxiety, become very socially maladjusted - and try with all their might to avoid situations that remind them of the trauma. This explains why it is difficult for traumatized people to break out of the “vicious cycle of repetitive trauma” - where they continue self-destructive behavior and patterns in relationships - because of the distorted perception of reality, it is indeed very difficult for victims to break this vicious cycle.
In the book The Body Keeps Memory, Dr. Bessela van der Kolk describes this mechanism: “In this case, the victims’ behavior is not explained by the victims’ lack of willpower or weakness of character - their behavior is explained by neurophysiological changes in the structure of the brain” (Van Der Kolk 2015, page 2.)
It is not necessary to experience a series of electrical shocks to lose the will to resist, just as it is not necessary to experience physical violence. The effect of verbal aggression and psychological attacks - which are a very important element of narcissistic exploitation - is very much underestimated. As I mentioned earlier, what many people do not understand is that the same neural circuits that are activated when a person experiences physical pain are also activated when experiencing emotional pain. Verbal aggression and any social rejection can hurt, just like physical violence.
Victims who have experienced both can testify that the consequences are very far-reaching, and many cases of relationship violence involve both of these components. According to research conducted by Naomi L. Eisenberger (2004), the same neural circuitry that is activated by physical pain is also activated when experiencing emotional pain caused by social rejection. Another study, conducted by Ethan Kross (2011), found that painful memories of unrequited love activate the same neural circuits that are activated during pain caused by burns. The sensation of heartbreak causes a powerful surge of adrenaline, causing us to react to emotional pain as we would to a real physical threat, increasing our blood pressure, increasing our breathing, and causing a variety of symptoms that are triggered by stress hormones.
Trauma has its greatest impact on the brain during childhood. In children who have been traumatized by narcissistic parents, the trauma changes the very structure of the developing brain—which is at its most malleable during this period. Dr. Martin Teicher stated in 2006 that there is growing evidence that verbal abuse experienced by victims in childhood alters the neural circuits of the brain, markedly increasing the likelihood of social maladjustment and suicidal tendencies in adulthood. This was also confirmed by a parallel study, which found that verbal aggression from parents causes changes in the neural circuits of the brain.
Areas of the brain affected by trauma may include the hippocampus, amylgada, corpus callosum, and anterior cortex. In addition, the result of injury is a change in key parts of the central nervous system that are responsible for the response to stress, such as the HPA axis; constant activation of this part of the central nervous system leads to pathologies of the hippocampus and/or limbic system in children. The hippocampus and amylgada perform key functions related to the processes of memory, emotion and arousal, the anterior cortex is the “planning” cognitive center of our brain, and the corpus colossum is responsible for communication between the two hemispheres.
It's no surprise that as a result of trauma, we have difficulty planning, remembering, and regulating our emotions. The brain was literally damaged by the stress of the injury, and communication between the “rational” parts of the brain and the areas responsible for emotions was disrupted. Have you ever behaved in seemingly irrational ways—as a result of trauma—but in the context of the emotions and bodily sensations you were experiencing, the behavior seemed rational to you? Now you know the explanation - changes occurring in the brain can disrupt the rational thinking of any person.
Those who accuse victims of emotional abuse of being cowardly lose sight of the fact that when victims remember a trauma, it is not the areas responsible for rational thinking that are activated in victims - but the limbic system, as well as the “reptilian” areas - which are responsible for emotions and for the memories associated with them. These areas of the brain show dominant activity during trauma, and during memories of the trauma, they are also activated by anything that resembles the trauma. This is why our body exhibits visceral reactions to trauma and even when remembering it. For example, when I remember the words of the offender, the muscles of my stomach tense, and I feel an unpleasant heaviness in my chest. I feel “physical” pain from their actions. Usually, at such moments, I stop doing what I am currently doing - since there is no way to continue any activity - in such circumstances.
Biochemical addiction, with the help of which narcissists “hook victims.”
Many victims of narcissistic exploitation are very surprised by the strange attachment that they experience long after breaking up with the narcissist. The point I want to make especially clear to you is that recovery from the effects of narcissistic exploitation is very similar to the withdrawal symptoms experienced when weaning ourselves from hard drugs because of the biochemical bonds that are formed with our former toxic partners. Narcissistic exploitation creates very complex bonds between the victim and the aggressor - which are difficult to break. Also, cognitive dissonance plays a very important role - when the victim tries to understand the brutal reality, which does not at all coincide with the false image of the ideal partner - which the narcissist demonstrated at the very beginning of the relationship. Cognitive dissonance is a defense mechanism of the psyche, which, instead of seeing a partner for who he really is, denies, minimizes and rationalizes exploitation. This is led to by the very tactics of exploitation - which are often very slow and insidious - only small test attacks at the very beginning, which are ultimately followed by a tragic ending for the victim. At the very beginning, the aggressor only briefly reveals himself from under his false mask - but this is inevitably followed by a cycle of idealization, devaluation, and, ultimately, rejection - by this time, the victim has already managed to form a powerful “taumatic attachment.”
Trying to understand why it was extremely difficult for victims - like myself - to break these vicious ties with the exploiter, I did my own research - this information would have been very useful to me earlier. The stereotypical image of victims as sentimental and irrational simply did not hold water in my counseling experience - since those victims of narcissistic exploitation who came to me for help were often very intelligent, educated and with a good level of self-knowledge - it was obvious that the tactics of exploitation themselves led to very complex psychological - and even physiological reactions on the part of the victim - no matter how smart and educated the victim was. The topic of biochemical dependence that arises between the victim and the exploiter has so far been almost not discussed, and my own research in the field of brain biochemistry - specifically in the context of the relationship between the narcissist and the victim - was a real discovery for me. The conclusion was that when breaking up with narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths, our brain chemistry is clearly not on our side.
This is why victims experience multiple difficulties recovering from trauma. In this chapter we will look at how the biochemical dependency is created, which makes it so difficult to break off relationships with narcissists.
Neurotransmitters:
Oxytocin
This hormone is primarily responsible for emotional attachment and trust. It is also released during sexual intercourse. It is secreted by the hipptothalamus, and it is responsible for the emotional connection between mother and child. During the “love bombing” and “adjustment” - the idealization phase - it is this hormone that is responsible for creating a strong emotional attachment. “Periodic reinforcement” is a behavioral tactic used regularly throughout exploitation (flowers, gifts, compliments, sex) and is used to further endogenously release oxytocin in the victim, even after incidents of exploitation. "Periodic strengthening" - this concept was developed by Fester and Skinner in 1957. In these experiments, the desired behavior was rewarded only occasionally—not constantly. Research has shown that rats pressed the lever to get food even more persistently if their attempts were not rewarded every time - but only occasionally. A typical case in real life is a person who gambles - periodic, irregular winnings force him to continue playing - even in the event of significant losses.
Susan Anderson noted in 2011 that "reinforcement" tactics in the context of exploitation primarily employ push-pull tactics—and this does not exist in normal relationships—but for victims of exploitation, it creates an addiction to the drama and chaos of the relationship. Paradoxically, in the case of toxic relationships, victims experience greater attachment to toxic partners than they would feel towards normal partners in the context of a normal relationship.
Dr. Harriet Braker, author of Who's Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Take Control of Your Life Again.” (2004) - explains that "period reinforcement" is one of the main tactics used by emotional manipulators. In the context of narcissistic exploitation, it looks like this: the abuser creates conflict situations in the relationship, and exploits the victim - but at the same time, from time to time, shows kindness to the victim - in order to strengthen the victim's attempts to restore the relationship in the initial phase of "love bombing". »
Therapist Christine Louis de Cannonville very eloquently describes how "periodic reinforcement" and cognitive dissonance are used by manipulators in the context of narcissistic exploitation:
“Victims living in families where narcissistic exploitation occurs are actually living in a “war zone” - where all types of control and violence are used against them - humiliation, emotional and physical abuse, isolation from others, economic exploitation, sexual abuse, coercion - etc. Victims live in constant anticipation of violence - and the situation gets even worse over time. Narcissistic abusers make the victim dependent and dependent, in which they feel helpless - causing chaos and panic in their psyche. The narcissist creates a twisted form of relationship in which the victim does not know what to expect next. This is caused by fluctuations between two extreme states - kindness and attacks of aggression and rage.
This prolonged painful situation may reactivate the child's Internal Objects Relations (attachment, separation, individuation) dysfunctions. To survive this internal conflict, the victim will have to rely on his personal internal resources and defense strategies to cope with his most basic and primitive fears of punishment and destruction. To survive all this, the victim will have to reduce his cognitive dissonance himself. Strategies used by their psyche to protect themselves from trauma may include: lying to themselves with a purpose - if necessary, infantile behavior patterns, and emotional attachment to a narcissistic exploiter. Most of these defense mechanisms are subconscious, the victim is not aware that he is using them, their only desire is to survive the madness that they experience.” Christina Louis de Cannonville "The Role of Cognitive Dissonance in the Context of Narcissistic Exploitation."
Like roulette players, victims become dependent on the hope of winning - even if it is insignificant, they do everything to survive and cope with an environment that is extremely hostile towards them, and in these attempts they become emotionally dependent from the exploiter. The exploiter teaches the victim to get less and less - and to put more and more effort into it.
I have heard from many victims confessing that they had fantastic sexual experiences with narcissists - things that they were unable to achieve with other partners later. The fact is that charming emotional predators - such as narcissists - are able to play on our deepest sexual fantasies - which in turn releases oxytocin, which also in turn creates even greater trust and emotional attachment. Narcissists themselves do not have the ability for empathy and compassion and the formation of such close emotional relationships at all - and they are able to easily and without the slightest regret abandon an old victim and quickly find a new one.
Sex with a narcissist can also have its dark side - the sexual experience can also be humiliating and manipulative - especially if the narcissist engages in risky sexual practices, or tries to force victims into doing things they don't like sexually. It can also form the victim's attachment to the exploiter - as the victim begins to associate sex with fear, and love with betrayal - creating a traumatic attachment - which we will discuss later in this chapter.
Oxytocin addiction also varies greatly by gender, according to Susan Kuczynski, author of The Chemistry of Emotional Connection: How Oxytocin Can Help You Trust, Intimacy and Love. (2009) The sad truth is that estrogen enhances the effects of oxytocin - while testosterone suppresses it. There is a theory that the main hormone responsible for emotional attachment in men is vasopressin. Therefore, it is more difficult for women to get rid of the emotional dependence caused by any type of relationship.
Dopamine
The same neurotransmitter that plays a key role in cocaine addiction is also involved in emotional addiction to fatal partners. Our desire for intimacy with a partner who has rejected us is the same as withdrawal symptoms when the body does not receive the required dose of cocaine (Fisher 1992).
Victims who are rejected in the final stages of devaluation and rejection are, without any doubt, suffering from the same addiction as addiction to a hard drug. This is further aggravated by the fact that people tend to often remember their ex-partners in the first time after a breakup. According to Harvard Health, both drugs and memories of intense pleasure create neural circuits in the brain that seem to tell the brain, “do it again.”
You probably remember your constant memories of those wonderful, pleasure-filled moments that filled the beginning of your relationship with a narcissistic partner? Romantic dates, an abundance of compliments and praise, amazing sex - and all these memories continued to torment you again long after the relationship was broken? It's actually a dopamine release in your brain that tells you, "do it again."
Dopamine is not only responsible for pleasure. It is also responsible for survival. There is an advanced theory that the brain releases dopamine not only during moments of pleasure, but also when survival is necessary. (McGowan, 2004). According to Samatna Smithstein, “Dopamine not only tells us what feels good and what doesn’t—it also tells the brain what to consider important in order to survive.” And the more intense the experience, the stronger the message to the brain to repeat these actions in order to survive.
Unfortunately, victims of narcissists are held hostage by dopamine. According to Susan Carnell, tactics such as "intermittent reinforcement" work very well on the dopamine system - research confirms that dopamine is produced more intensely when rewards are presented in an unpredictable, unfamiliar order. Helen Fisher notes that sweet romantic experiences that are interspersed with episodes of disappointment actually enhance romantic attachment rather than suppress it. The very nature of the trauma only intensifies the emotional attachment.
Therefore, “random” sweet words whispered to us immediately after an incident of aggression, apologies, appeals for sympathy and leniency, rare manifestations of tenderness in the devaluation phase - just before the next incident of aggression - help to consolidate this vicious neural circuit.
This craving for endogenous dopamine secretion is in turn reinforced by powerful cognitive dissonance - when we have to deal with conflicting ideas about our partner - which are no doubt caused by our emotional attachment to him, the false image that he was able to instill in us - as well as periodically repeated episodes of kindness, affection and tenderness. Dr. Joseph M. Carver talks about the power of cognitive dissonance in his article “Love and Stockholm Syndrome.” - in which he talks about how cognitive dissonance is a protective function of the victim’s psyche, which arises as a result of a relationship with a partner who has antisocial qualities - at moments when the exploiter displays aggression and exploitation.
As a result of cognitive dissonance, the victim may rationalize, minimize—and even deny the fact of exploitation—in an attempt to maintain an image of the partner as a kind, loving, and gentle person—an image carefully created at the very beginning of the relationship.
Combine this with intense traumatic experiences that cause episodes of aggression - forcing our brains to "pay attention" - as well as pleasant memories that pop up in our memory over and over again - and you have a biochemical addiction from Hell.
Cortisol, Adrenaline and Norepinephrine.
Cortisol is the hormone of stress—and during traumatic episodes of narcissistic exploitation, its levels go through the roof. It is produced by the adrenal glands in response to fear, and plays a key role in the psychological mechanism called "fight or flight." Since we are unlikely to express physical aggression during episodes of emotional trauma, this often stores stress in our bodies - especially if we are experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or worsened PTSD. (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.)
Recent research has confirmed that cortisol enhances the impact of fear-related memories, and cortisol, together with oxytocin, strengthens these memories (Drexler, 2015). Cortisol is released during the formation of fresh mental traumas, as well as during memories of old mental traumas. When experiencing such memories, “cortisol levels spike...This is activated by neural circuits shaped by trauma.” (Bergland, 2015) The release of cortisol in response to threatening events—as well as the inevitable memories of those events—rewires our neural circuits even more deeply. , reinforcing and strengthening our memories of trauma—making recovery even more difficult.
Our memories of exploitation incidents—elevated levels of cortisol in the body lead to worsening health problems. Christopher Bergland's excellent article "Cortisol - Public Enemy Number One" (2013) outlines multiple ways to counteract the effects of this hormone - the list includes physical activity, focus, meditation, a sense of humor, and social engagement. Adrenaline and norepinephrine also play a key role in the psychological response of “fight or flight” - and also play a sinister role in the reaction to exploitation by aggressors (Klein 2013.) When we see the person we love, there is a release of adrenaline, causing our hearts to speed up. the pace and our palms are sweating. But at the same time - this is the same hormone that is associated with fear - research has confirmed that if we experience a strong stressful experience with a partner - we begin to experience a stronger emotional attachment to this person - because fear also leads to the release of dopamine - a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in the reward system. (Georgia Health Sciences University, 2011)
This is why partners who have been on roller coasters together are much more emotionally attached to each other afterward, and this is also why people who have gone through a terrible experience together also feel much more emotionally attached - fear inevitably creates a biochemical attachment between them. This explains that when we fear retaliation from a narcissistic exploiter—in the form of a “shaming campaign,” when we fear their outbursts of rage and resentment—we become even more intensely attached to them in ways that we are not even aware of. We suspect it is an addiction caused by pain, fear and anxiety.
According to Bergland, adrenaline also has an indirect antidepressant effect - fear and anxiety also subsequently lead to the release of dopamine - this is highly likely to turn us into "adrenaline junkies" - craving the "high" - which is caused by sharp changes between tenderness and aggression from a partner. During the period of decoupling, recovery from such addiction can be especially painful. This explains why many victims return to their exploiters.
Serotonin.
This neurotransmitter regulates mood. When we fall in love, the level of serotonin in the central nervous system is similar to the srotonin level of people who experience Obsessive-Compulsive Neurosis (Marasitti 1999.) Therefore, it is not surprising that individuals who were properly “treated” in the early stages of a toxic relationship are accustomed to receiving excessive flattery and praise from a charming emotional predator. Individuals with low levels of serotonin tend to compensate for this deficiency with more frequent sexual contacts - which, in turn, also form an emotional dependence on the exploiter. As you can see, all biochemical agents interact with each other, reinforcing the vicious circle.
This is how narcissistic exploiters gain access to control our brains in the early stages of a relationship - through the love bombing and excessive praise we receive at the very beginning of a relationship. You can imagine the resonance this effect has in phases of devaluation and rejection - when victims have to live on edge 24/7 - due to their veiled insults, their ignoring, cheating and infidelity, and their sudden disappearances. We become dependent on them not only because of love - but also because of fear, neurosis and anxiety.
Traumatic addiction.
All of this upheaval—caused by fear and anxiety—can reactivate old traumas, and create what Patrick Carnes called “trauma addiction,” or “traitor addiction.” Traumatic addiction occurs after intense, emotional experiences caused by exploiters, and this leads to the creation of subconscious attachment patterns that are difficult to break. This is also part of the phenomenon known as "Stockholm Syndrome" - when victims who are taken hostage become emotionally attached to their aggressors - and subsequently even justify their actions. According to Carnes, “Even small, everyday acts of aggression have a negative impact. The accumulation of trauma has its insidious effect.” Those everyday acts of abuse, projection, gaslighting, verbal abuse, creating love triangles and manipulation all create insidious and covert aggression - which has a cumulative effect. Narcissistic exploitation creates an atmosphere of fear, shame and submission - in which the victim feels like walking barefoot on broken glass. Every day they experience emotional, spiritual and physical betrayal - through condescending remarks, betrayals, pathological lies, humiliation and insults.
Despite the fact that anyone can become a victim of narcissistic exploitation, traumatic dependence manifests itself much more strongly in those victims who were themselves victims of intra-family violence in childhood, and/or were raised by a narcissistic parent.
Author: Shahida Arabi Translation: Alexey Dzyuba
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Options for the development of events in the event of a rupture
How does a narcissist behave during a breakup?
If a man initiated the breakup, the process proceeds peacefully. The narcissist simply announces his departure and quickly disappears from the girl’s sight. Basically, such a sharp change in behavior tactics is caused by a new romance that has begun with a guy.
The girl, as with any breakup, first becomes depressed. However, this does not last long. When the “rose-colored glasses” of love fall away from her eyes, the woman begins to understand what trap she managed to avoid.
Events develop completely differently if they are initiated by a girl. The narcissist feels violated and refuses to accept the fact that they could have broken up with him . He considers himself the best person on earth, which further complicates the situation. The feeling of being hurt is replaced by anger.
Narcissists depend on their partners to help them improve their self-esteem. Therefore, the man tries to win the woman back at any cost. Various methods are used for this. At the first stages, the guy tries to assure the girl that he can change. The narcissist is humiliated and asks to stay. If this does not help, he begins to threaten and take revenge.
The narcissist's revenge is original and cruel. He may post compromising photographs of the girl publicly on social networks or start spreading rumors about her among mutual friends. When the outrage subsides a little, “random” meetings or direct persecution begin.
However, there is also a peaceful option for the development of events . After breaking up with his partner, the guy considers it beneath his dignity to humiliate himself in front of her and looks for a new victim. This, as a rule, does not take much time and after just a few weeks the girl can be calm about her freedom and safety. After all, narcissists, after entering into a new relationship, never return to the previous one.
Sometimes recovery is not possible
Regardless of the recovery path chosen, it may happen that a person suffers so much that they will never fully recover from a narcissistic relationship. A narcissist or psychopath can so distort a victim's personality and so disrupt their thinking that it causes them to develop a mental illness from which the victim can never recover.
A considerable number of victims of narcissists commit suicide because they become so entangled in the wilds of their pseudo-personality created by the narcissist that they see no other way out but to end everything quickly, decisively, once and for all.
What should a woman do?
How to end a relationship with a narcissist? It is recommended to adhere to some rules:
Provide yourself with external support .
You need to discuss the situation with parents, close friends and other people who can support the person. It is important for a girl that at a difficult moment in her life she can speak out to someone and receive moral help.This allows her to act more decisively when breaking up and not retreat from her positions.
- No final conversation .
The classic version of separation is considered to be a serious heart-to-heart conversation, after which the former partners go in different directions, while continuing to maintain friendly relations. For a narcissist, it is worth making an exception and denying him this rule. Men of this type know the weak points of their victim, and are able to put pressure on them in time. This will return the relationship to its previous level. Moreover, on a subconscious level, in the first weeks after the breakup, the girl herself wants to do this. - Limit your social circle .
Not all friends and relatives will support the girl in her decision. There will be those who will tell her that she made a mistake. Moreover, half of them will do this under pressure from the same narcissist. For several months or years after the breakup, it is recommended to limit communication with such people. Under constant pressure, a girl may not be able to stand it and change her decision. - Expand the scope of activity .
Narcissists control people. Over time, it becomes his only hobby. After separation, it is necessary to do the reverse procedure, i.e. the girl gradually removes her ex-partner from her life. At this time, you can take up a new hobby, visit a new city, etc. It is important that the girl herself understands that a man is not the center of the universe for her. Even if a woman later decides to return to her boyfriend, she will be able to correctly prioritize the relationship. - Find your leverage .
Narcissists are good psychologists on a subconscious level. They find the weak points of their victim and, by pressing these “buttons,” they gradually begin to completely control it. After breaking up with such a person, the girl must find in herself these levers of pressure that the guy used. They should be written down on a piece of paper. Perhaps these are some specific words. Knowing how she was attacked in the past, a woman will be able to defend herself against such attacks in the future. - Run . You need to leave the narcissist abruptly, without giving him the opportunity to correct the situation. The reason for the breakup can be explained in a letter. After this, the girl must break all contacts with the man (block numbers and social networks, change places of walking, etc.). This is the only way to completely end a relationship with such a man.
Help from a specialist in recovery from psychopathic relationships
This is an ideal option, because in this case the victim can safely describe everything that happened to her, express her feelings and worries without fear of criticism and condemnation. She has the opportunity to be understood by a specialist who knows how relationships of this kind work. A subject matter professional will not make the mistake of holding the victim responsible for something that was beyond their control or competence.
The sequence of recovery is also very important. First you need to get rid of the effects of the mind control of the narcissist, destroy the pseudo-personality he created, then explore the vulnerabilities of the victim, and finally identify any other problems that arose in childhood and affect the person today.
Many specialists (psychologists and psychotherapists), who do not understand what control of the victim’s mind by a narcissist is, begin the recovery process by finding out the circumstances that brought the victim into the situation. Then they investigate the victim's relationship with parents and siblings, looking for childhood trauma. This approach does not heal, but leads to strengthening the victim’s conviction that it is she who is to blame for what happened to her.
In contrast to the above, a subject matter expert who understands what mind control is will help uncover the intricacies of what was done to the victim, what methods were used against him, why the manipulator decided to use these particular methods, what effect they had on the mind the victim, her emotions, decisions and actions.
A specialist will help the victim get rid of false beliefs and behavioral patterns of a pseudo-personality, and help restore individuality. It will teach you how to make decisions again, establish independence, teach you how to calculate and avoid other manipulators, how to differentiate destructive control of consciousness and normal processes of healthy influence.
It's very hard work. Recognizing the fact that the person you loved and trusted constantly insulted you, mocked you... This is difficult to come to terms with, difficult to accept. However, recovery from a narcissistic relationship is definitely worth the effort.
Typically, the liquidation of a pseudo-personality takes from one to two years. Of course, these terms are average and approximate, since they depend on many factors, for example, how much time a person devotes to recovery, whether he has constant contact with the manipulator, whether there are other narcissists or psychopaths in his environment with whom he has to contact.
How to behave after?
Breaking up with a narcissist is not easy.
Such people are not used to letting go of their victim. After termination of communication, a woman is advised to consider a number of points.
The narcissist will watch . Even after the final breakup, the man will try to maintain his influence over the girl. He will monitor her social media accounts. networks, arrange “random” meetings, etc. There’s no escape from this.
The beginning of a new relationship is not the end of communication. This type of people believes that all representatives of the fair sex belong to them. Even if the narcissist has started dating a new partner, he will try to control the life of his previous one.
A more peaceful option awaits the couple if the narcissist himself initiated the separation . He quickly loses active interest in his former partner. At the same time, it is important not to try to restore the relationship on your own.
How to cope with your feelings?
What wouldn't hurt to do:
- Grieve . Breaking up is always stressful for a girl. Therefore, there is no point in holding on and pretending that everything is fine. On the contrary, you need to cry and talk it out. But at the same time, you cannot go into long-term depression. A woman can maintain her morale with new hobbies, etc. As a last resort, it is recommended to consult a psychiatrist.
- Write your problems .
If a girl feels anxious after a breakup, it is better to write her feelings on a piece of paper. This way, she will always have a list before her eyes of what is preventing her from moving on. Then you should carefully analyze him and your ended relationship. In most cases, the girl will see that she wrote most of the points under “rose-colored glasses.” You can record the analysis results on the same sheet. For example, if a woman wrote the phrase “It’s all my fault,” after analyzing the narcissist’s behavior, you can put next to “It’s not like that.” - Remember everything . In the first weeks after a breakup, the girl’s memory will throw up pictures from her happy past. There is no escape from this. However, a woman should also remember about the unpleasant moments associated with a man. For example, about losing all your friends. If you should try to erase the first memories from your memory, then it is better not to forget the second ones. This way the girl can avoid mistakes in her next relationship.
Basic mistakes
What not to do:
- Trying to blame yourself . The narcissist has taught his victim to believe that everything is his fault. At first, the habit will continue. However, this will soon pass.
- Make contact after a breakup . The narcissist will again try to tame his victim through seduction. You should not give in to provocations.
- Lower self-esteem . The narcissist already underestimated her to the person. Don't do the work for him.
- Listen to other people's opinions . You won't be good to everyone. Many people may view the breakup negatively. This is their right. However, you should not listen to their advice. The final decision must be made by the person himself.
