How can I tell if I’m a social phobe or just don’t know how to communicate?

Fear of being judged by others

A person with social anxiety avoids criticism and condemnation in every possible way, and is afraid of ridicule (real, and more often imaginary), and humiliation from others. He is afraid of looking stupid, worries about what someone will think about him and how. Extremely dependent on what the impression of him will be. The stronger the social anxiety, the stronger the fear of contact.

But an introvert is not at all afraid of receiving criticism. Anxiety and fear do not interfere with his communication.

Introvert, social phobe, sociopath, autistic: who are all these people?

Elena Guk

Mar 16, 2017·2 min read

“It’s hard for an introvert - I always feel ill-mannered”, “I’m a sociopath today - I don’t want to see anyone” - sound familiar? Are you sure that you are who you say you are? Let's find out!

What is introversion ? There are a lot of definitions, including psychiatric ones. The original description, from Carl Gustav Jung, states that an introvert “prefers immersion in the world of imagination and reflection, focused on the accumulation of energy.” Jung, therefore, speaks of a preference for the inner world over the outer world, that is, a low priority for communication, and not a word about inability or fear. Introversion, according to Jung, is not a disorder. Social phobia (hereinafter the definitions according to the DSM - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental disorders, of course, simplified) is a fear of expressed attention from others, a type of anxiety disorder. A sociophobe is someone who is rather afraid to communicate (obviously, not with everyone, but with those who pay too much attention to him), which does not mean that he, in principle, does not like to communicate. Sociopathy (also known as antisocial personality disorder, formerly psychopathy) is a personality disorder characterized by disregard for social norms, impulsivity, aggressiveness, and an extremely limited ability to form attachments. As you can see, nothing about a reluctance to communicate. The most important thing in defining a sociopath is a danger to others. A sociopath can be very sociable and skillful in achieving his goals. Does “inability to form attachments” mean a fear of communication? No. Autism (in the latest version of the DSM, considered together with other autism spectrum disorders) is a disorder that arises from a disorder of brain development and is characterized by severe and pervasive [degrees vary at different points on the spectrum] deficits in social interaction and communication. What is a communication deficit - inability or unwillingness? Every person with autism is different, so it depends on the individual, but they all have some form of communication failure. Is there a fear of communicating? Sometimes yes, but this means that against the background of failures with communication, social phobia developed, that is, in these cases there was still some desire to communicate.

Conclusion. To be able to communicate, to love, and not to be afraid are all different things. An introvert may not be afraid, he just usually has more important things to do, plus communication may take too much energy from him. A person with autism does not shine with communication skills, but he can love (and even be an extrovert!). Both of them may be afraid of communication in the context of attention being shown to them - then in addition to the “main symptom” they are social phobics. Social phobe - afraid of excessive attention, but in some cases (!) he can love and be able to communicate. A sociopath, as you already understand, is something completely different.

Many thanks to the book “Go Crazy! A Guide to Mental Disorders for a Big City Resident” by Daria Varlamova and Anton Zainiev for structuring this information in my head

Avoiding being around people

Of course, a social phobic avoids any communication. It causes him constant discomfort. The anticipation of communication, especially with an unknown interlocutor, is even more terrible for him than the conversation itself. Any, even the most ridiculous signal of “danger” can cause the termination of the relationship on his initiative. A social phobe tries to hide from the anxiety that haunts him by avoiding contact with people. Because, as a rule, these are lonely people. An introvert draws strength and energy from solitude. But, at the same time, he does not experience communication problems, he is simply not inclined to be in the spotlight all the time. For him, communication is more subordinated to utility and rationality. There is no doubt that loneliness does not bother an introvert, unlike a social phobe. The key difference between an introvert and a social phobe: an introvert not only fully interacts with other people, but also does not experience difficulties, worries, or fears. But after being around people for a long time, the introvert becomes exhausted. He loses strength, energy and is subject to deterioration in his emotional background. He needs recovery, which occurs best when he is left alone with himself. A sociophobe really wants to be with other people, wants communication, suffers from loneliness, but he is afraid of people and is anxious.

Chekhov's hero Belikov is a classic, one might say, textbook example of a social phobe.

“A man in a case: everything is in his case. When I was lying in a coffin, I seemed to be smiling: I had found my ideal.”— A. P. Chekhov

Have you ever encountered social phobias? How pleasant are they to talk to? Would you like to spend your time with them on fun activities? Are these people toxic at work?

Take a closer look. You will see some of the people from your surroundings, as if standing on the sidelines. Don't you confuse healthy, adequate, but not very sociable people, who are in fact introverts, with truly unhealthy social phobes?

What are the symptoms of social phobia

Social phobia is a fairly common phenomenon.

In the United States alone, about 15 million people suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder.

If the comparison with introverts still leaves you in doubt, here is a list of clear symptoms of Social disorder anxiety (social phobia) that indicate social anxiety. The more you recognize yourself in them, the closer you are to social anxiety disorder.

Emotional and behavioral signs

• Fear of situations in which you may be criticized. So you try to remain silent.
• Fear that someone could humiliate you at any moment.
• Fear of speaking or calling first.
• Fear of picking up the phone if they are calling from an unknown number or someone you don’t know well on the other end of the line.
• Avoiding situations that will force you to be the center of attention.
• Severe anxiety before talking or meeting with unfamiliar people. Even going to a store where you need to communicate with the cashier can be stressful.
• The desire to contact people not in person or by phone, but through text messages. Love for online shopping instead of going to the supermarket.
• Fear that others will notice how nervous you are.
• Expecting the worst from any upcoming contacts. If a conversation with the boss is coming up, the social phobe expects to be yelled at. If we are talking about meeting with friends, he worries that he will seem like a loser or that they will laugh at him.
• Protracted reflection after communicating with people. A social phobe may replay the conversation that happened in his head for a long time, searching for more precise words and worrying that he looked less convincing than he could.

Physical signs

This is what often accompanies the contacts of social phobes with the outside world:

• sweating;
• trembling in the limbs;
• accelerated heartbeat;
• nausea or stomach upset;
• breathing problems (“throat is tight”);
• dizziness, confusion;
• cognitive stupor - lethargy, inability to quickly find words;
• muscle tension.

The main signs of social phobia

We have already found out that a social phobe and an introvert are two completely different people. Now let’s take a closer look at social phobias. You can find more information about introverts in our other article.

Social phobia is an anxiety disorder that affects a large number of people. Next, a list of symptoms that indicate a social phobia in a person will be written. The more matches you have, the more susceptible you are to social anxiety.

Emotional and behavioral signs:

How to communicate with a misanthrope?

First of all, you shouldn’t try to change a misanthrope - most likely, you will get nothing but negativity. The best strategy is to communicate neutrally, as appropriate, respecting both your boundaries and those of the misanthrope. If you absolutely want to win the favor of such a person or even make friends with him, try to play by his rules and watch his reaction. If you see that you are putting too much pressure on your friendliness, positivity, and desire to communicate, step back a little.

Remember that he may expect hostility, a dirty trick, or something negative from others. Try to show that you are open and committed to positive communication, but again, don’t be intrusive.

And also think about why you absolutely need close contacts with such a person? If you depend on him in some sense (for example, he is your boss), businesslike, neutral communication is enough. If your goal is to save, help, remake, take an “impregnable fortress,” then it is better to concentrate on your behavioral scenarios, and not on the peculiarities of the misanthrope’s behavior.

Typology

Since the scientific community does not have a common view on the nature of sociopathy, there are several classifications. For example, American psychologist Theodore Millon proposed 5 types of sociopaths. However, they were never included in either the DSM or the ICD:

The classic typology of sociopaths suggests only 2 types + an intermediate form.

• Active sociopath

He is impulsive, it is difficult for him to hide his protests against the laws of society. Openly conflicts with others. It costs him nothing to offend, call him names, or cause pain to another. He can start relationships, but only for a short time and only to achieve his own selfish goals. After which he rudely and scandalously interrupts them. A difficult person to communicate with. It is easy to suspect sociopathy in such people, since it practically lies on the surface. Within this type, three subtypes are distinguished: low-active (outbursts of aggression appear from time to time), medium-active (problems in communication are constantly observed), high-active (it is difficult to keep such people close to you, since they constantly provoke conflict).

• Passive (latent, hidden)

Only those closest to him, who have known him for many years, can suspect sociopathy in such a person. Most often, he outwardly recognizes the rules of society and laws, but only in order to break them on the sly, while no one sees. It is he who writes denunciations, complaints and slander against colleagues, bosses and neighbors. It is he who can lead a double life and do something illegal and even criminal. This is a manic type of disorder when a person is capable of killing, bullying and raping. Essentially, these are serial maniacs and murderers. The passive form of sociopathy is one of the most dangerous, since the patient accumulates energy inside and then pours it out on his victim.

• Multifunctional

Intermediate forms of sociopathy include the multifunctional type, when a person can openly demonstrate his protest towards society and at the same time lead a double life.

Experts say that the types of sociopathy are not limited to this classification, which requires serious additions and improvements.

Will Cornick . A terrible story that shocked the world. A 13-year-old teenager, who grew up in a well-bred British family, stabbed his teacher to death in front of the entire class. It turned out that he had been hatching this plan for several months. And in the future I wanted to do the same with 2 more teachers and one girl I knew. Will willingly told all the details to the investigation and with a smile expressed the hope that he would achieve his goals that had not yet been realized.

Recommended tests

Along with this task, the following tests are taken on the site:

• How susceptible are you to stress ?
• A manipulator or inspirer by nature.
• selfish ?
• Is the person prone to suicide?
• How developed are your ability to listen and hear your interlocutor ?
• Do you know how to set and defend personal boundaries ?

Each of these tests will benefit you in further work on yourself.

Sociopath

Sociopathy is a severe dissocial personality disorder.
This pathology is much more serious than social phobia, which can be corrected with antidepressants and tranquilizers. The characteristic signs of sociopaths are truly frightening:

• ignoring established social norms and rules;
• lack of empathy and respect for other people;
• depreciation of family and social values;
• unreasonable aggressiveness, even towards those people who are trying to help;
• hot temper and impulsiveness;
• frequent mood changes;
• heartlessness;
• predisposition to physical and moral violence.

Sociopaths are unable to analyze their behavior and experience feelings of guilt and remorse.
They cannot enter into the position of other people, understand their pain and suffering. For a person with dissocial personality disorder, the concerns and problems of psychologically healthy citizens seem petty and pathetic. Sociopaths can be passive or active:

• Passive
  . They imitate the image of a mentally stable person (up to some time), try to stay in the workplace, build relationships;
• Active
  . These sociopaths are not shy about their cruelty, openly demonstrate their disregard for social norms and orders, manipulate people, and resort to physical and psychological violence.

Not only serial killers and robbers, but also ordinary family men, bosses, and hired workers turn out to be sociopaths.
Often, the true essence of such people does not appear immediately, but only after they have seen the trusting attitude of others and decided to parasitize on them. So what is the difference between a sociopath and a social phobe? In empathy, humanity and character pairings. People who are afraid of society can be kind, understanding and responsible.

They can love and build harmonious relationships. Citizens with dissocial personality disorder have nothing to do with the concepts of “kindness,” “empathy,” and “love.”

Social phobes practice “safe behavior”

People with social anxiety often blame themselves for their lack of social skills. They say: “I don’t know how to carry on a conversation,” “I’m so awkward.” Due to lack of self-confidence, they resort to “safe behavior”: hiding their eyes, speaking too quietly, smiling all the time and speaking in an ingratiating tone.

According to Helen Hendriksen, these people simply underestimate themselves. They are excellent listeners because they try to talk less about themselves.

If social anxiety is keeping you from functioning normally, try making changes.

1. Get out of your comfort zone and force yourself to do what you are most afraid of.
2. Put an end to “safe behavior”: look the other person in the eyes, speak loudly and clearly enough.
3. Shift your attention to external things: instead of worrying about how you look and what they think of you, look at the people around you, listen to the conversation and express your opinion.

List of Important Differences

Science says that people are born introverts, but become social phobics. Introversion is an innate personality trait, while social phobia is an acquired disorder. It should be noted that a social phobe can even be an extrovert in character. This combination brings, perhaps, even greater discomfort into the difficult life of a social phobia. Introversion as a character trait fits more “successfully” into the everyday world of a person who is afraid of the people around him.

If for an introvert, solitude is simply necessary for moral relaxation, then for a social phobe, solitude does not always seem like manna from heaven, because many of them are not against human company, but cannot afford to re-feel the awkwardness, regret and subsequent natural disappointment of being in society. Protecting a social phobia from society only reduces the level of his anxiety, but often does not bring any joy.

Types

There are misanthropes who are forced to tolerate pathetic people. And there are those who cannot digest them at all. The so-called opportunists are subject to the momentary mood under the influence of failure. Situational misanthropes have not yet become true misanthropes, so their psyche can be corrected.

There are people who are only interested in their work. They consider themselves geniuses, underestimated by others. Misanthropes like Nietzsche are quite smart and cynical. Rationalists most often have a great attitude towards helpful people, but can take it out on those with whom they are not very well disposed. They behave rudely towards them.

They prefer not to communicate with people they don’t need to achieve their own goals at all.

Melancholic misanthropes want to limit their social circle not so much because of contempt for all humanity, but because of their natural isolation. They only have business contacts with strangers.

All categories of misanthropes are divided into 2 main types.

Fierce Personality

Strong contempt for people often pushes a bitter person to scandals. Such a subject gets into trouble at any opportunity. Some are dangerous to society. They fiercely hate those around them and seek to destroy them. Most often, their ardor comes down to verbal indignation. For the sake of offending strangers, they are ready to sacrifice their own freedom and even life. Other bitter individuals, who see exclusively the negative side of the world and are confident in the impossibility of changing it for the better, choose the path of seclusion and hermitism.

Fighter for justice

There are misanthropes who dream of changing the world through reforms. Idealists have a hard time dealing with cruelty to animals and any human injustice. It is difficult for them to observe the deterioration of the ecological environment. They cannot stand the presence of scattered garbage, do not tolerate obscene language, and react painfully to wars and struggles for power. As a result, it is not the world as a whole that is hated, but individual people associated with disorder.

Such individuals usually become the initiators of all kinds of reforms. Their hatred is directed not at the entire human race, but at specific groups of people, various parties, and individuals.

Misanthropes of this type do not isolate themselves from society, but openly condemn it and make attempts to correct the world.

Characteristics of a misanthrope

The following general characteristics of misanthropes can be identified:

• misanthropes avoid people, try to contact them as little as possible, because when they meet they feel a feeling of hatred or contempt for people;
• misanthropes believe that all people are very stupid, and also that humanity does not need such a large number of narrow-minded individuals;
• misanthropes do not trust people, they expect only the worst: the manifestation of the worst traits, bad attitude, lack of understanding, because, according to misanthropes, people do not have great intelligence;
• misanthropes need other people to communicate, they do not close themselves off in their own world, but try to find the same misanthropes in order to speak the same language with them;
• their reluctance to communicate with people, to be like them, or even to have something in common develops a taste for certain pieces of music, films and books. As a rule, misanthropes are interested in those things that are unknown to a large number of people and are not mainstream;
• misanthropes can find negative aspects in any business. They can see positive sides, but the fact that they constantly look for negative features in everything leads to the fact that misanthropes concentrate all their attention on the negative aspects.

“Travel, misanthrope, to love humanity!” N. M. Karamzin

Causes of misanthropy

Misanthrope, what does it mean? This is not a disease, but simply a character trait that gives a person its own characteristics. Why people become misanthropes will be described below.

Cause:

1. High level of intelligence. An intelligent person is looking for someone like him to communicate and discuss complex topics. Many are not ready to listen to discussions about quantum physics or the complex relationships between fathers and children. Because of this, misanthropes are not ready to communicate with less intelligent people, irritated by their stupidity. It is better to avoid contact with them.
2. An intelligent person with a fine mental organization becomes a victim of ridicule.
3. Destroyed childhood ideals also influence the formation of a special opinion.
4. Lack of self-love affects the formation of character. The immoral misanthrope appears as a result of self-dislike. If he doesn’t like what he sees in the mirror, and those around him also talk about his shortcomings, then it’s better to isolate himself from them and start hating everyone.

Having found some signs of a misanthrope in yourself, you should not immediately label it. The fact that you are dissatisfied with yourself and avoid people does not mean that you hate people. Sometimes there is simply a difficult period in life, prolonged depression or general despondency, which passes over time.