For many of us, building relationships with people is the key to a good life. The main skills in this process are communication, self-positioning and the ability to dexterously behave in public.
However, in order to go from an intractable young man to an opinion leader, you need to break many barriers and do a tremendous amount of work on yourself. For this, some people need to improve their diction and expand their vocabulary, others need to buy nice trousers and get a haircut, and some need to get rid of self-doubt and stop being afraid of live communication.
- FAQ: 10 secrets of communication from great leaders or how to subjugate people in dialogues
This time we will focus on the last aspect of this complex process and tell you how to get rid of isolation, shyness, shyness and other psychological barriers that prevent us from achieving the desired communicative results.
Make a list of problem situations
It is better to start solving a problem with analysis. Therefore, take the time to remember and write down all the situations in which you feel constrained. Be very specific. Instead of “talking to people,” specify what kind of people you are talking about: strangers, members of the opposite sex, or those in authority.
When you break a problem down into parts, it seems more solvable.
Then try ranking the situations you wrote down in order of increasing anxiety (calling a stranger is likely less anxiety-inducing than speaking in front of an audience).
In the future, this list can be used as a plan to combat shyness. Starting small, you will overcome increasingly difficult situations for you. And with each new victory, the feeling of confidence will grow, and shyness, accordingly, will decrease.
Live in the moment
CONTENT:
According to psychologists, isolation is not so much a property of nature as a cocktail of shame and fear of rejection. There are much fewer naturally timid people than those who have had negative experiences in a group: at school, institute or section. As a rule, in the past, shy and reserved people have had a conflict with a group of peers, which at best resulted in ridicule, and in the worst case – boycott and fights.
Celebrities are no exception: for example, successful beautiful actress Jessica Alba was teased at school because of her accent, clumsiness and heavy jaw. Rihanna, who draws crowds of fans of her work, was attacked by her peers for the color of her skin, and the winner of 9 Grammy awards, Justin Timberlake, even fought with classmates, not wanting to share their passion for football. The list goes on for a long time. It is important to note that many “stars” believe that it was the stress they experienced in childhood that strengthened their character and helped them move towards their cherished goal.
Of course, everyone is different, and not everyone is ready to open friendly arms after being an outcast. However, don't focus on the bad memories: plenty of people have gone through the same thing.
Decide on a goal
Any action becomes much more effective when it is purposeful. It is clear that constant embarrassment interferes with your life, but you need to explain to yourself exactly how it interferes with you. It is possible that the formulated goal will become an impetus for overcoming the old problem.
Eric Holtzclaw
Serial entrepreneur, author of Laddering: Unlocking the Potential of Consumer Behavior, radio host
Even though I perform, write, and host a radio show, I am an introvert at heart. But as the head of the company, I had to talk about our products and services. It required me to come out of my shell and deliver a message to the world. I overcame my shyness by realizing that only I could ensure that my message was delivered correctly. After realizing this fact, I took steps to make public speaking and meeting new people easier for myself.
How to start communicating correctly
Having dealt with common mistakes, you can move on to effective methods of overcoming shyness. They require work on yourself, but the result is worth it.
Do what you love
One of the main secrets of an open person, communication with whom is a pleasure, is his genuine interest in any activity. It's simple: an enthusiastic person straightens his back and shoulders in the literal and figurative sense, his eyes light up, and everyone around him feels this high spirits, which, by the way, is just as contagious as a bad one.
Immersed in a favorite activity, a person, even the most reserved one, stops thinking about how he looks, concentrating on trifles and being shy about people - the focus of his attention shifts to something else. In addition, do not forget that the strongest friendships and the most valuable communication are established between people engaged in a common cause. This includes military service, being in the same team, and even regular walks with children or pets.
Feign self-confidence
At first glance, this is very strange advice: how can you depict something that does not exist? However, psychologists recommend not giving up this model of behavior, but trying it on yourself, temporarily shifting the focus from “being” to “appearing.” Nobody talks about pretending, let it be an easy game that will only benefit you: you need to evaluate your posture, manner of communication and facial expressions.
As a rule, closed people are characterized by perfectionism, which should be directed from the negative channel of constant self-criticism towards positive changes. You can copy the behavior of confident, sociable and pleasant acquaintances. Characters from your favorite books or films will also work. The main thing is to maintain individuality without blind imitation, adding a little someone else’s confidence to it, or better yet, creatively reworking it. Gradually, self-confidence will become a habit, and then even become a character trait.
Smile and speak more slowly
With the exception of professional speakers, few people pay attention to such simple points as speaking pace and smiling. Meanwhile, they have a huge influence on the subconscious of their interlocutors.
To be heard
Rapid speech, firstly, is difficult to perceive, can be slurred and illegible, which means that the interlocutor will have to listen to understand it. Subconsciously, this will cause irritation in a person, because he spends double effort: first, to disassemble, then to comprehend and understand. Secondly, an accelerated pace of speech immediately reveals a person who is insecure and nervous, which also reduces interest in what he is saying.
In order to enjoy greater trust from others, speakers recommend practicing at home: trying different pitches and tonality of your voice, looking for a suitable tempo. You should start by reading newspapers or books, and then move on to impromptu situations. Anyone who, having practiced in calm situations, learns to hide his excitement and express his thoughts beautifully, will certainly expand his circle of acquaintances.
Show friendliness
A smile is not typical for reserved people, but this is the best way to win over your interlocutor. At the subconscious level, a smiling person is perceived as friendly and confident. In addition, smiling helps you relax and cope with inner anxiety.
People often have complexes because they don’t know how to smile. Most likely, this erroneous conclusion was made on the basis of photographs that do not convey the dynamics of the situation, but only one moment. But even if the smile really isn’t good enough, you can practice at home in front of the mirror, changing your facial expressions and gaze. It’s worth spending time on this exercise, because a pleasant smile is an important touch in the image of a confident person.
SHY, WITHDRAWN, INTROVERTS
Sociability is an important social skill, without which today it is difficult to imagine a successful career or a happy personal life. In order to overcome shyness, you need to constantly work on yourself, striving to see a range of new possibilities and emotions in communications.
Exercise
Skills need to be honed, and habits that interfere with life need to be systematically eradicated. All this applies to both sociability and shyness. Here are some ideas that you can use as a kind of workout.
- Reprogram yourself. Imagine that your shyness is a program in your brain that is launched in response to certain situations, and you, as a computer user, have the power to influence this process. Try to go backwards and do the opposite of what you are used to. Do you want to hide in a corner at a party? Get into the thick of things. Have you caught yourself thinking that you are taking a defensive position in a conversation? Try asking your interlocutor a few questions.
- Talk to strangers. Try talking to one stranger (preferably a random passer-by) at least once a day. You'll likely never see him again, so feel free to sharpen your communication skills on him.
- In general, communicate more. Try to take every opportunity to connect with people. Tell jokes, agree to speak, say hello to people you often meet but never greet.
- Warm up before an important conversation. Want to talk to a specific person at a party, but are afraid to approach him? Practice on people present who cause less embarrassment. If we are talking about getting to know each other, try to tell them everything that you plan to say in front of the desired person. After such a rehearsal, it will be easier to speak.
- And always be prepared for public speaking. But don't limit yourself to just repeating the speech. Visualize your future success with your audience. This will give you confidence.
Why is there nothing good about shyness and isolation?
Many people believe that isolation and shyness are characteristic only of children, and already in adolescence people become more sociable and relaxed. However, according to a study published by the scientific journal PsychCentral, up to 45% of adults experience problems with communication, and 7% experience real mental disorders, including depression, because of this.
Introversion and shyness prevent people from advancing their careers, getting interviews, and holding important negotiations. They are less likely to hold leadership positions and manage others. The situation is even more complicated for those who are among the aforementioned seven percent. These people are at risk for developing dependence on alcohol and other drugs.
- Bar 11 signs of alcohol addiction and tips on how to stop drinking on your own (it's time to quit, bro) List of signs of alcohol addiction and tips on how to stop drinking on your own.
In a word, lack of communication and inability to build the desired communication leads to dissatisfaction with life.
At the same time, shyness itself is not as dangerous as its consequences, which include loneliness. For example, loneliness is one of the factors of early mortality among men, and this is a scientifically proven fact. That is, a lack of communication, support and emotions from other people increases the chances of not living to old age by as much as 14%. This is directly related to the hormonal system, because shy people have increased levels of cortisol, the so-called “stress hormone,” which affects sleep quality and blood pressure.
Stay selective with people
One of the advantages of isolation is a thorough “filter” of society. You will only become close to the person who proves his kindness and safety to you. And this is good. This way you are protected from dishonest, evil people.
Therefore, when you start communicating more, do not strive to establish close relationships with everyone. Stay cautious, just be a little more open. Then you will not miss the chance to meet a nice person and will unerringly make the choice of a friend or soulmate.
Method number 3: do what is not expected of you
Doing unexpected things is how to stop being an introverted person. It's something like a rebellion, but in a good way. For example, are you used to dressing in a strict, discreet style? What about appearing in public in a bright and daring outfit? At work or in the company of friends, are you used to keeping silent? How about boldly saying what others are embarrassed to say? Does everyone think you're a boring homebody? What about going on a hike or an extreme tour?
Try to think positively
The problem with isolation is the thoughts spinning in your head. The assumptions that no one will want to communicate with you, that you will be betrayed or used, that you will remain alone for the rest of your life are destructive. They program you to behave in a repressed way. A vicious circle is formed.
To break it, you need to change your thinking patterns. The use of affirmations, various relaxation methods, meditation, and breathing techniques will help you with this. Keep yourself positive. Think about having a good time, not about being a black sheep again. Concentrate on the positive aspects of the situation, perceive them as a useful experience.
Catch every negative thought and replace it with a positive attitude.
Method number 4: work on your appearance
Becoming attractive is one of the key ways to stop being an introverted and shy person. After all, it is the lack of confidence in one’s appearance that often becomes the cause of the problem. But everything is in your hands. If you don't like yourself, start working on this problem. Join a gym, visit a cosmetologist, take care of your hair, tidy up your wardrobe. A person who likes his reflection in the mirror finds it much easier to establish contacts with others.
Where does timidity come from?
Shyness, like other character traits, can be congenital, or it can be acquired. With innate everything is clear: if, for example, the father is timid and timid, then the child, having inherited the corresponding genes, can grow up the same. Acquired timidity is the result of improper upbringing.
A timid person in childhood was probably often criticized, compared unfavorably with his peers and received little praise. He breaks a cup or falls and immediately hears: how awkward you are. If he is not given some kind of activity, parents must give the example of a neighbor’s child, who, let’s say, already fluently reads not only the primer, but also newspaper text, or spends hours learning scales with inspiration, or has some other fantastic skills.
As a result of such upbringing, a whole bunch of complexes arise. A person considers himself worse than others, has no self-respect, and sometimes does not even love himself. Hence the false confidence that others perceive him in the same way.
Method number 1: get rid of egocentrism
The first and most important step to how to stop being closed off is to give up the idea that others are closely watching your every move. This is quite easy to do. For example, are you very concerned about what other people look like, what they say, what their voice sounds like, or what mistake they made? Surely not. You are busy with your problems, taking care of your appearance. That’s how those around you are focused only on themselves, but certainly not on you. If you said or did something wrong, if you accidentally tripped or dropped something, if you are not very fashionably dressed - believe me, this does not bother anyone but you.
Study behavioral psychology
It will be useful for you to learn how to read people in order to avoid awkward situations. Constriction makes it difficult to understand others due to excessive concentration on one’s experiences. Therefore, observe other people - this way you will understand which of them are in the mood for communication, and who it is better not to approach. This knowledge will calm you down and make you more confident in society.
I recommend the books “Body Language” by Allan Pease or “A Dictionary of Signs” by Joseph Messinger. They provide basic information about nonverbal communication. You will be able to determine by a person’s posture and movements how he feels.
Also use this knowledge to adjust your behavior. Take a more free and relaxed body position to feel empowered. Try not to slouch or close yourself by crossing your arms and legs. Look at people openly, and the armor built around you will begin to fall away.
Shyness in children - good or bad
At first glance, a calm, quiet child is a parent’s dream. He does not play pranks, he obeys his parents, educators and teachers.
Indeed, childhood timidity has certain positive qualities:
- the child is selective in his contacts, does not trust everyone, is cautious, and carefully chooses his friends;
- the child is away from noisy games that pose a health hazard;
- Timid children compensate for their lack of communication with self-development, read a lot, and are successful in their studies;
- Timid children approach solving their problems especially carefully, carefully and attentively.
However, this behavior can be dangerous for the child. It causes him considerable discomfort. Behind shyness, a child often hides fear and anxiety, so he refuses to answer in class and does not speak publicly.
Important! Shyness manifests itself in children with complexes and lack of self-confidence. In the future, such a child will become indecisive and will not be able to achieve success and live a full life.
