The Western world is in awe of cold-blooded sociopaths, and in the domestic hit parade of anti-heroes with mental problems, the narcissist is still confidently in the lead. Most often, this is a narcissistic mother, because of whom the child’s whole life then went downhill, or a lover (much less often, a beloved), who was lured by the brilliance of her charisma, and then morally gutted and left with nothing. What kind of disorder is this, how does it arise and is it as destructive for others as it is described?
No performances! Don't play a part in a narcissistic play.
Narcissists are true experts at dramatic performances. They have a real talent for first causing conflict and then retreating into the shadows and observing it as if they had nothing to do with what was happening.
A typical example: a narcissistic mother caused hostility and rivalry between sisters. She tried to push her daughters against each other, slandering each other. When the son did not want to choose a side in the conflict and drew his mother’s attention to her manipulations, she denied everything. The mother angrily stated that she had done nothing wrong and had nothing to do with her daughters’ quarrel. And to top it all off, she was offended by her son for being suspected of such a “terrible” act. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into such games.
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What are the different types of narcissism?
First of all, it is worth mentioning that this phenomenon is multifaceted. It lies in the attitude towards oneself, the world around us and other people. In society, a narcissist is most often called an arrogant egoist who madly loves himself. One can also note characteristic features by which one can recognize a representative of the “narcissist” species among men.
- The constructive type
consists of ordinary self-love. This phenomenon is considered quite normal. You need to strive for it with all your might. Self-love and respect are essential conditions for building harmonious relationships with others and loved ones. It is self-love that determines how good we will look and achieve our goals. Normal self-love will allow you to enjoy the most basic achievements. Remember how often we criticize ourselves, sometimes even undeservedly. It's time to understand how to act in order to remain a winner in any situation. It is important to mention that this type of narcissism contributes to the desire to benefit the world and do good deeds. It is with its help that you can awaken a thirst for knowledge and reflection. This feeling is present to varying degrees in absolutely every person. - Destructive narcissism
is called a real pathology. People begin to consider and feel like the center of the universe. They are not at all interested in the opinions of others. They do not like to listen to criticism; they simply do not know how to love. It seems that such a person deserves everything. It is important to note that the reason for the appearance of this phenomenon is violations in educational influence. Erich Fromm mentioned in his writings a person with destructive narcissism. He believed that an individual is distinguished by love for his person. Only their needs have the right to be satisfied. Love cannot appear in relation to another person, not to mention respect and trust. It is curious that too much love can turn into real self-contempt. - Perverted narcissism
is a person’s desire to inflict moral violence on people around him, in particular, on loved ones and family members. He considers this type of narcissism to be the most dangerous, since those around him will suffer from nervous and mental exhaustion. Imagine the hell the wife and children of a man with this type of narcissism live in. A representative of the stronger sex knows very well how to cause psychological discomfort to his victims. He is an excellent manipulator and evaluates people well. At the same time, the person himself does not feel any strong experiences, but imitates them well. He manages to choose bright personalities as partners, easily finding their weak points in order to drive them to real madness. You've probably heard about marriages in which a beautiful woman became a potential patient in a mental hospital due to the behavior of her husband, who did not allow her to live in peace and develop as a person. - Primary narcissism
is a completely normal property that is observed in every newborn. As soon as all the needs and desires of the baby are satisfied, he feels like the true center of the universe. There is no separation in the child's creation of himself and the outside world. After some time, the baby remembers how pleasant the sensations were, and therefore sincerely wishes to return to those glorious times. He can easily resort to manipulation of close people, but this refers to secondary narcissism. - Pathological
is a serious mental disorder. Its roots and causes most often come from childhood. Parents could practice overprotection or detachment towards the child. In the first case, the baby grows up to be a real infantile who is not able to make decisions and seeks support. In the second case, a person can rely only on his own strength and is characterized by increased independence. He achieves success in many areas of life, despite a difficult childhood.
It is important to mention that the manifestations of narcissistic disorder can be completely different. Many can restrain it, control their inclinations. Others ignore them or develop them fully.
It is important to remember that close association with narcissists can be quite harmful. At the same time, the influence of perverted narcissists can lead to a variety of psychological traumas, which should not be forgotten. Remember that with age, a person’s character can change for the worse.
Don't doubt yourself
Don't make excuses for the narcissist. They want to make you doubt yourself and your perceptions. This is one of the most insidious narcissistic tactics: gaslighting.
In its most simplified form, gaslighting looks like this. A narcissistic person commits a selfish act, and you tell him about it. The narcissist turns what happened on its head, and now it looks as if you are the selfish one.
Narcissists are masters at bending reality so that they appear to be the hero and you appear to be the villain. Don't let yourself be confused.
They tend to take credit for other people's ideas.
Make your loved one think that your thoughts are his. Again, this is not ethically correct, but doing so will help you avoid an unpleasant conversation and will boost the narcissist's self-esteem. For example: “I thought for a long time about that idea that you told me about not so long ago. I agree that we should (continue the story about that very plan). I admit that you are right and I was wrong. We definitely need to do as you said.”
If you want to learn more about the phenomenon that can confuse anyone regarding the original source of information, we suggest that you read Daniel Schacter’s book “The Search for Memory.”
Don't believe their stories
Narcissists are excellent liars. The secret of their success is that they do not feel guilt as acutely as other people. When a narcissist shares negative things (especially about another person) and it upsets and upsets you, take a deep breath. Most likely, what was said will not be true. Manipulators often convey to you words that other people allegedly say behind your back. Phrases: “Everyone started talking about you, but I didn’t listen to them” or “Your friend advised me not to trust you” should alert you. Check the veracity of these statements before you allow yourself to be drawn into conflict and showdowns.
Introspection. Friend or foe?
Think about the circle of people who support you. Who is included in it? Identify those who distanced themselves or turned away from you due to slander - these people showed their true colors. Also note who stayed on your side. These are your real friends. If your entire support circle has fallen apart, start looking for potential sources to create a new one. Connect with support groups, domestic violence centers, counseling, and explore social networking sites (such as Meetup.com).
Don't try to beat the narcissist
The worst thing you can do is try to beat the narcissist on his field. Don't brag, don't be complacent, don't be proud of yourself, don't try to look better than you are.
Narcissists are the kings of self-aggrandizement. If you try to compete with them, you will lose. This doesn't mean you should look like a drooping flower or bend over as low as possible when the daffodil is around. Develop healthy self-esteem and try to behave as naturally as possible.
What if it’s sincere and pure?
Let's say your man is a subtle manipulator and a narcissist. All the signs are there. You know that men also know how to lie talentedly and pretend to love next to an unloved woman. Is there any hope that a complete egoist will urgently begin to truly love? No. Such men do not change “forcibly.” And his opinion of himself is too high to accept his own shortcomings.
Often this type of personality is simply not capable of emotional and spiritual intimacy, so casual relationships and short-term affairs are their limit.
Narcissists tend to devalue other people's achievements. They perceive others only as their “mirror”.
If they like what is reflected there, then they continue communication. If not, break off the relationship without regret.
In order for a narcissist to become attached to you (let's honestly not call it love), you must meet his requirements:
- always satisfy his desires;
- be strong and take care of him;
- be self-sufficient so that he doesn’t have to worry about you;
- constantly praise his even minimal achievements, and if there are none, agree that the world does not value him.
Keep your distance
If you are married to a narcissist and have children, evaluate the impact that emotional abuse has on the children. If you can't leave and are forced to stay in the relationship, maintain your distance.
Spend as much time as possible separately to regain peace of mind and contact with reality.
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Signs of narcissism in a man
Experts believe that increased self-love is the least of the evils. First of all, you should be wary of people who are unable to experience normal human emotions. They are characterized by complete indifference to other people, to the satisfaction of their emotional and physical needs. It is worth mentioning violations in the picture of the world, as a result of which people are not able to build normal relationships with another person.
It is impossible to completely get rid of narcissism, since it is considered a common mental disorder.
- Love of conversation.
The most important thing is that only a man’s opinion is the only thing that matters. He doesn't care about other people. Communication in this case is a one-man show, where the main character is the narcissist himself. It can be noted that in the process of communication, a man actively uses gestures, tries to speak loudly, and madly adores his person. A man is able to easily come into contact with strangers in order to demonstrate his own intelligence, greatness and uniqueness. He loves high-flown style. - Appearance and social status
are considered the main values for a narcissist. He loves a non-trivial style of clothing, most often bright colors. He wants to be attractive in order to attract the attention of the public, to receive compliments, to feel how his self-esteem increases. The most important thing is physical attractiveness, not only your own, but also that of your chosen one. He is quite capable of spending the whole day in a store, choosing his clothes. - any criticism
of themselves. In no case should you condemn a man, since “he is the best, he knows everything that is possible.” Of course, the narcissist himself is capable of feeling envy of other people, especially if they have achieved something that he himself could not achieve. - Paying too much attention to your own health.
From the mouth of a man you can hear demands to adhere only to the correct diet, to take microelements and vitamins necessary for health. At the same time, doctors’ recommendations will be followed with special care. At the same time, he absolutely does not care about the health of his loved ones. Only his own deserves respect. - Dislikes children and elderly people.
The most important thing for a narcissist is to be the center of attention. He is not at all happy when others try to get his own privilege. The narcissist will talk a lot about the need to help children and the elderly, but these will only be words, without any action. A man himself wants to be taken care of. - Lack of ability to experience emotional intimacy.
A man believes that he is always in charge in a relationship. Only his experiences and words have meaning. He won't want to hear about the girl's problems. The narcissist will do everything possible to make the world revolve only around him. Therefore, you need to think only about your own psychological comfort. - The presence of leniency when communicating with loved ones and relatives.
It is worth mentioning that the narcissist's self-esteem is very low in any case. Only in relationships with other people can he try to overestimate her. He likes to hide his weaknesses by pointing out the shortcomings of other people. From time to time it may seem that the narcissist has improved and started treating family members well, but this is only an illusion. He doesn't want other people to feel better than he does. - Boundless and impeccable correctness in all respects.
Narcissists love to argue, but they are not going to listen to the arguments expressed by their opponent. He allegedly does not “hear” what is said to him. Only his opinion is considered the only correct one. In this case, all responsibility for conflict situations will be assigned to the loved one.
Ignore narcissists - this “secret weapon” will really get them!
Narcissists thrive when they cause other people to react emotionally. They gain power over you as soon as you lose control of yourself.
When a narcissist goes on the attack, the most effective way to deal with the attack is to simply ignore it. This is difficult, since narcissists intuitively find your “pain” points and know how to put pressure on them.
Deep breathing and stress reduction techniques will help you keep your cool. Self-awareness techniques, meditation and yoga will teach you not to react to the antics of a narcissist.
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- about the author
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Andrey Petrakov
This is a blog on psychology from a professional psychologist, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Zoom About us/Make an appointment
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How to stop training
You will be able to resist being coached if you learn to confront your fear of achievement, and this requires regular repetition of targeted actions - without subsequent punishment by the narcissist. Make a list of your past successes, accomplishments, happy moments, and any other sources of joy that have been ruined by the narcissist. Describe how he harmed you, how it made you feel, and what the consequences of this sabotage were. Then consider how to reconnect with these sources of pleasure and pride without the narcissist's interference. Here are some examples:
- if your narcissistic friend constantly ruined your dream career, think about how you can still achieve this goal; - if your toxic parent always ruins your birthdays, get into the habit of inviting only friends and those relatives who will happily share this special day with you; - do not tell narcissists about upcoming happy events and recent successes; — celebrate your achievements more often by organizing holidays and meetings without the presence of a toxic person.
Train yourself to associate a healthy sense of pride and excitement with your passions, hobbies, interests, aspirations and achievements that the narcissist has suppressed. You deserve all the joy from your accomplishments. Don't let pathological envy steal what is rightfully yours.
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