There is hardly a person who has not encountered manipulation in his life from both acquaintances and strangers. And often we cannot avoid communicating with manipulators - we have to study or work with them, or even live under the same roof. And what’s most unpleasant is that manipulations, as a rule, cause emotional discomfort: they sow anxiety, drive them to despair, and provoke depression. Rost.Media spoke with Novosibirsk psychologist Anna Portnova about how to recognize manipulation and not succumb to the manipulator’s tricks, and learned that there are “benign” manipulations.
Do you know how to say “no”
The most important thing to protect yourself from manipulators is to understand that you have the right to say “no” and refuse people, regardless of who makes the request or assignment. You have the right to refuse to carry out instructions from your boss if they go beyond the scope of your job duties. Don’t worry that the people around you (colleagues, neighbors, comrades) will be offended by you because you refuse to do something for them that you don’t have to do. They're not worried that you might be offended by them for trying to ride you. If fulfilling their request presents some difficulty for you, is “stressful”, requires the investment of time and effort that you need to solve your own, and not other people’s, problems, you can calmly refuse to spend your resources on fulfilling these instructions. At the same time, you can explain your refusal by lack of time or opportunities, other plans, inconsistency with your principles, or something else, but this is not necessary - you have the right to refuse without giving reasons, simply saying that you cannot or do not want to do what you want offers. Those who treat you well will not be forced by your refusal to change their attitude towards you - they will come to terms with it and understand that you had reasons for this. Manipulators may, if they receive frequent refusals, leave your environment, but you will definitely not suffer from this. The ability to say “no” does not make you worse, it is just a shield from attempts to manipulate you.
Emotional distance, or How to control yourself
And although it is not always easy to develop such a skill over the course of a lifetime, it can be developed on your own. First, it helps us understand our brain's instinctive response to anything that poses a threat to us. When we encounter any kind of threat, be it an angry bear in the forest or an unfair performance review (or a person yelling at us in front of millions of spectators), our brains immediately activate defenses in the form of aggression or flight. But all this is relevant only for wild nature. In social life, these reflexes only hinder us, so we need to learn to control them.
So it's no wonder that it's so difficult to figure out how to control ourselves when we're criticized. If other people's opinions bother us at all, there is a risk that part of our intelligence will actually shut down, and our brain will focus on how to protect us from constant attacks from others.
Therefore, if we want to react to our enemies not with anger, but with something more subtle, we need to try to weaken as much as possible the brain’s reaction to a verbal threat in the form of provocations. And here's where the news gets better because research shows that we have a good chance of achieving this if we take what's called a "long-term" perspective. That is, if we imagine that we are looking at a difficult situation that is unfolding at some distance from us, and is not happening to us directly. In NLP this is called the third position. Even in the midst of bad events that will happen to us one way or another throughout life, this new one will allow us to think more clearly and control ourselves. And that's a fact!
Initiative is punishable
Of course, we are all human, and quite often situations arise when someone is in dire need of help. It’s great if you are an empathetic person who doesn’t find it difficult to help someone in need. But here, too, there is a fine line: you shouldn’t approach a person and try to help him if he doesn’t really need it. Just ask if he is ready to accept help or not? Otherwise, you may do a disservice or make things worse. In any case, you will have to pay for your initiative, and it’s good if only with time and effort. Be prepared for the fact that sometimes our help evokes not gratitude, but claims that you ruined everything or made it worse. Receiving confirmation that your help is accepted will save you from subsequent negative experiences due to your noble deed.
What to do if you are a manipulator?
Sjostrom writes in his book that every manipulator can become an “actualizer”—a person who lives freely, is aware of what is happening inside and around him, and “deeply believes that he and others can cope with life’s difficulties.” The key to this lifestyle seems simple and complex at the same time. This is honesty, or more precisely, the desire to honestly convey emotional messages and accept them from others.
For example, the incident with the tattoo. A person who does not want to manipulate will say: “Nice sketch! But are you sure it will look good when you’re seventy?” If his interlocutor also knows how to convey honest messages, he will answer, for example, like this: “I think I’ll become an old biker, so everything will be fine.”
What were you like before
Manipulators love to compare a person’s actions with how he behaved before. Press on the fact that before you were kinder, more sympathetic, and more helpful to others. You shouldn’t be tormented by a feeling of guilt because of this: yes, you were such a person before, but now you’re not. And there’s nothing wrong with that, because it’s common for any personality to change. Now you understand, for example, how your business partner or friend took advantage of you, you have made certain conclusions and you no longer want to make such mistakes. Now you are a different person with a new worldview, wiser, gained experience and made conclusions.
Give the provocateurs a moralizing lecture
Tell them all about how cocaine is bad for you, that they should leave an abusive relationship, or that they shouldn't ride bikes at midnight through crime-ridden parts of town in bikinis with thousand-ruble notes hanging from their bras. In the end, they are simply too stupid to understand it. They will tell you that they think cocaine is good for them. Or, more likely, your speech will confuse potential offenders. In NLP this is called confounding hypnosis.
Evaluate your attachments
Quite often people manipulate someone using feelings of affection. It is human nature to get used to a certain course of life, activity, work, and it is quite difficult to give up a habit formed over the years. It is precisely these attachments that manipulators use; they put pressure on something that is difficult for a person to refuse. It is important to clearly evaluate your own attachments and not allow yourself to be blackmailed with this. We don’t always really need what we are used to, and sometimes leaving the comfort zone promises a person not trouble, but very good bonuses.
Common methods of manipulation
The manipulations are extremely varied. Conventionally, they can be divided into “bitter” and “sweet”.
The first are based on fear and pity. When a boss yells at his subordinates for no particular reason, he is using aggression and the fear it causes to force others to comply with his terms. When a person demands help over and over again, but nothing changes for the better, no matter how hard he tries, he uses helplessness and compassion to get other people’s time or material resources.
Common "sweet" manipulations are more difficult to recognize because they are often camouflaged with praise and promises. For example, a man can promise marriage to his mistress, who has already given birth to a child from him, and everything would be fine, but... he has been repeating this for five years. The child has long stood on his feet, and his dad still only goes to visit his mother, informing his legal wife in advance that he will be late for meetings.
How to recognize manipulation? After all, anger, complaints, promises and praise seem so sincere. Obviously, the disproportion of what is happening should be alarming: the boss screams every day; the poor friend needs help in everything, although there are some things he could handle on his own; The lover has been dragging his feet on the divorce for years. In fact, we usually know that something is wrong, but we often cannot say “no.”
Paradoxically, in order to learn how to do this, you yourself need to stop manipulating others.
Criticism and condemnation
Don’t react to criticism, but at the same time don’t do the same to other people. If they are once again trying to judge you, commenting on your actions in a negative way, then the best option would be to ask your interlocutor how he would behave or what he should do in a given situation. Such questions most often disarm the opponent, he softens and the conversation moves into a more peaceful direction. Now this will no longer be criticism, but a sincere conversation in which the interlocutor will try to give you advice. What you do next is completely your own business.
Conflict is optional
Provocateurs do not always try to piss you off through conflicts and quarrels. They can act radically, showing tyranny, mental violence, and moral pressure. Couples in married relationships often face this problem. Therefore, most people have a question: “How not to succumb to the provocations of your husband or wife?”
To maintain friendship and mutual respect in a marriage, it is important to be able to control your emotions. If you are one of those who have used their mood and state of mind to control your wife or husband, then this advice is for you.
Provocations on the part of one of the spouses are different. Some try to bring any conversation to a scandal, and sometimes to a fight. Others, on the contrary, begin to manipulate their significant other, completely depriving her of the right to vote and her own “I”.
Just don't interfere
There is a wonderful phrase that can work wonders with people. If someone starts pestering you with unsolicited advice or, conversely, you are personally tempted to share with someone something that you are not asked to do, then follow the simple but wise truth - do not interfere. There is also nothing wrong if you ask the other person in a friendly tone not to bother you or interfere with you personally. By following this truth, you will be able to avoid bothering other people with advice, and also protect yourself from unsolicited advisers and manipulators.
The main law of ethics
Learn to ask permission if you plan to do or say something. And demand the same from the people around you. If you see someone blatantly prying into your personal space, trying to discuss your life, giving unsolicited advice, then you can easily but firmly say that you should ask permission before discussing your life. Don’t be afraid to put your unceremonious interlocutor in his place, show firmness, and adhere to the same principle yourself. There is no need to approach a person with your help or advice without his permission.
What freedom is is a controversial issue, everyone understands it in their own way. But it is quite obvious that by succumbing to manipulation and spending his life on achieving other people’s goals, a person allows his freedom to be limited. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way. We do not encourage you to become callous, closed and refuse to help people - you should act according to the dictates of your soul, so as not to have problems with your conscience. The desire to help should come from you when your actions do not run counter to your principles and do not harm you. You just shouldn’t allow yourself to be forced to do something that you absolutely don’t need or want. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated. The advice from psychologists collected in this material will help you not to follow the lead of manipulators and not to succumb to their selfish influence.
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Try to make friends with a provocateur
Stay up all night talking to your enemy from yesterday on the phone? Complain about your problems. Make emotional contact, remember how you caught and studied insects as a child. No affection, right? The same is true with provocateurs. These are people who are ready to stab anyone in the back.
Drop everything you are doing and change your schedule for the whole day so that you can observe the provocateur and communicate with him. Don't forget the above tips on how to avoid being manipulated, and manipulate the potential abuser yourself. You can do it. You can actually do a lot.
