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Not all residents of the Karelian capital agreed with our article about patient Petrozavodsk residents. “Tolerant... No, gentlemen, you flatter yourself!”, “You’re kidding!” — this was approximately the general tone of the comments left on the site.
Readers gave examples of outright rudeness and behavior that can hardly be called civilized. Yes, this happens. And in our calm city, and in any other. And regardless of the number of boors per capita, ordinary people find themselves absolutely defenseless against every manifestation of aggressive rudeness. And yet it is possible to fight rudeness. Just not the way you did it before. For effective methods of countering boorishness and rudeness, we turned to practicing psychologist Daria Soboleva.
A volley of rudeness... with blanks
Good people and glossy magazines love to give two popular mutually exclusive recommendations: leave or fight back. The first option is the simplest thing you can do. “Be higher!”, “Don’t pay attention!” — you probably remember these tips that were given to you in abundance by your mothers and teachers as a child. And you left, swallowing tears, and then for a long time you replayed the situation in your memories and could not get rid of the feeling that although you listened to an authoritative person, you still did something wrong.
“All simple methods are similar to cheap medicine,” says Daria. - They have a very strong side effect. To remain silent, to push your resentment deeper, not to respond to humiliation - this means creating problems for your own psyche. I call it adrenaline intoxication. This can affect a person’s condition in any way: there are cases when people, poisoned by their own silence, began, for example, to lose consciousness in public places. Others developed persistent hypertension or somatic disorders.
The second way suggests itself - to be rude in response, or at least try. Many even make homemade preparations: “And she’ll tell me something like this, and I’ll answer her like this!” The effectiveness of this method can be measured in negative numbers, but the main thing is that more than 60% of such attempts only lead to regret: “Why did I even get involved in this?”
— It’s one thing if a stranger turns out to be a boor. And if it’s a relative, colleague, friend, this also happens, and very often. So you can add damaged relationships to the list of unpleasant consequences. Combined with feelings of regret and guilt - a thermonuclear mixture. - Daria adds.
Why is everyone offending me? How to respond correctly to stop attacks
When my nephew was 3 years old, he really liked to publicly be offended by his mother. He lay down on his stomach, put his palm under his forehead and lay in the middle of the corridor in the “go away old lady, I’m sad” pose. This could go on for quite a long time, and no amount of persuasion could get him out of there. Either a bribe in the form of sweets, or a cartoon :).
Resentment is a typical child’s reaction to any unpleasant events, restrictions or well-founded refusal. At 2 or 5 years old, this behavior is understandable. The kid is simply afraid to attack those on whom he depends, who are bigger and stronger.
Sometimes touchiness is also provoked by the behavior of the parents themselves. Words play an important role. Remember how many times you were told that crying and being offended is ugly, that arguing with adults is indecent, and in general, “...live to my age, and then argue.”
But why do we continue to be offended as adults? Do we withdraw into ourselves and cannot fight back the offender? Yes, in adult, conscious life, grievances have a different scale. This is no longer a banal refusal to buy lollipop or ice cream. It turns out that the size of the encroachments on your rights has grown, but the reaction has remained childish - lock yourself in a room and quietly mourn your fate... As you were taught - “swallow” the offense and not contradict adults!
Meanwhile, we have long ceased to be children, and offenders do not care about our quiet tears. The one who offends you, in most cases, knows that he is doing something ugly. However, this does not stop him. Because people do what is most convenient and profitable for them. This is not one of your parents who, tired of seeing your picture of suffering, will make concessions.
So what should we do? How to put the offender in his place like an adult?
Good girl or grown-up aunt
Anger, fear and malice are normal emotions in response to aggression towards you. The natural biological reaction is to either run away, freeze, or “show Kuzkin’s mother.” But for an adult, ignoring means remaining indifferent, and not “saving face” in public. Unfortunately, many people turn on the childish scenario - negative emotions are pinched inside and do not turn into response actions.
But you're not a little "good" girl anymore, are you? You are an accomplished adult. Maybe the strength in the fists is not enough, but the tongue is definitely there!
What do adult aunts do if they feel offended? They either distance themselves from the offender, reducing communication to a minimum, or “beat pots.” For an adult, independent woman who is responsible for everything that happens in her life, this is the norm. She does not look for cowardly excuses: “What if he gets offended and leaves,” in the case of a relationship with a partner. And he’s not afraid: “What if he fires me then,” every time the boss hits me.
Because she realizes: no one has the moral right to attack her or humiliate her dignity. She behaves in such a way that her friends do not dare to offend her!
Is patience a virtue or a paradise for boors?
It is not for nothing that nature has endowed us with the instinct of self-preservation. It is he who generates aggression and fear in response to an attack. It is normal to experience these emotions, although they are often disparagingly called negative. We need to be aware of them and translate them into adequate action.
It doesn't matter whether your anger turns into words or actions. It is important that you decide how to react. Realized that you were attacked. The degree of harm was assessed. We came up with a solution and implemented it. Even if you decide not to do anything and simply ignore the offender. Anyway, it’s your conscious choice! This means there will be no regrets, there will be no feeling of humiliation, there will be no feeling of powerlessness and lack of rights. And someone’s offensive words won’t be spinning in your head like a broken record.
So, you have only three options:
- completely ignore the offender;
- get away if conflict is too much for you;
- strike back.
But only after the situation has been analyzed. Of course, in a fit of emotion, you think only about one thing: “I feel bad. I was attacked. We need to defend ourselves." And I want to react immediately.
In most cases, the most ergonomic way is to say what you think and put the situation out of your mind. But sometimes it is more useful not to flog the heat and later deal with the offender as he really deserves. Moreover, it will be more profitable for you, and not for him.
Let the threats sound threatening
You probably politely asked the offender a thousand times not to do this again. They gave arguments and “put pressure” on feelings. Unfortunately, this rarely helps. You can, of course, go into Zen and repeat the mantra “Don’t do this” 158 times :). Stock up on Christian forgiveness and show Buddhist wisdom. But there’s a real world out there—and no one respects “tolerated.”
Or “having reached the point”, you are ready to blurt out: “Don’t do this again, otherwise we will break up!” However, words must be followed by real actions. If you are not ready to carry out the threat yourself, your words will not have any effect on the offender either. Threatening to leave a person and actually leaving are two different things. And this needs to be understood very clearly.
If a man turned a deaf ear to requests and threats, say: “Goodbye, dear!” — and proudly walk off into the sunset. Because as long as you endure, it won’t get better. Let him bring you back - on your terms.
What do you have to lose? Otherwise, you are doomed to endure rudeness, humiliation and rudeness for life.
Lack of intention does not exempt you from responsibility!
Very often, offenders justify their behavior by saying that they did not want to offend you. You had no idea that their behavior could hurt you. Remember, people lie. Sometimes deliberately - out of fear or benefit. Often they lie even to themselves. In any case, you should not follow the lead of a chronic boor!
It makes no difference whether the offense was intentional or an accident: there are your rights and personal boundaries, there are social norms, in the end. If they are violated, you have been attacked! You have suffered damage and must be compensated.
In principle, we can formulate it like this:
- I feel angry/resentful after your words. My self-esteem suffered. Next time in such a situation, I will leave and completely stop communicating with you.
Of course, most professional rude people will not believe it - they will either laugh in your face or pretend to be deaf in both ears. Nevertheless, you expressed your position and warned about the consequences. If a person continues to ignore your feelings, there is no need to communicate with him in the future.
Unfortunately, it is impossible to ward off all the unknown boors in the world. However, you can develop a working pattern of behavior that discourages the desire to violate your boundaries.
Remember: people treat us the way we ALLOW them to. So just don’t let yourself be offended! Get away from the boors. Communicate and collaborate only with well-mannered, ethical people.
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You have to be calm and stubborn
Rudeness has two faces - it is either communicative incompetence, or a tool to achieve some goals. As a rule, the inability to calmly, without insulting your interlocutor, convey your point of view to him is a consequence of improper upbringing. The person is convinced that rudeness is normal. Because that’s what his parents and everyone close to him did. He just doesn't know what could be done differently. Another option is those whose parents purposefully taught them to fight back. But how were they taught? They advised to hit, push, or be rude in response. After the first successful experience, the child understands that aggression can be used to defend himself. And after the second, third, fourth time, you become confident that a fist and a harsh word are a universal way to achieve everything you want.
— If you understand that your interlocutor is being rude to you for some purpose, then save your time and nerves and ask directly what exactly he needs. — advises Daria Soboleva. - It’s not a fact that a boor will hear you the first time. Don't hesitate - ask the question again. If he doesn’t answer the second time, ask him a third time. The main thing is to do this clearly and calmly. Sooner or later, the boor will have to at least answer your question, and for this he will be forced to stop saying nasty things at least for a while. And now seize the initiative, explain that, alas, you refuse to fulfill his demand for very compelling reasons. Then end the conversation.
If you are faced with a boor who humiliates others without a specific goal, simply because he cannot do otherwise, modern communication science advises choosing one of three methods, depending on the situation.
Don't avoid conflict at all costs
Many people are uncomfortable with conflict, so under the pressure of persuasion and pressure, they simply agree to the demands of other people. They are worried about the mere thought that in such a situation they will experience discomfort.
However, agreeing to another person's demands just to avoid discomfort is absolutely wrong. Why? Others will simply stop taking your interests into account. Once word gets out that you seem to be “buckling” under pressure, it’s only a matter of time before the rest happens. People around you will use you in every possible way for their own purposes.
Of course, in an ideal world, you would be able to choose the right job and environment for you. But we live in an imperfect world, where from time to time we have to deal with different people and work in less than the best jobs. This is why it is important to be able to stand up for yourself and not agree to what you really don’t want to do. This is the only way your self-esteem will not suffer.
Method one. “More precisely, even more precisely”
Ask the boor a clarifying question. Then another one. And further. And further. And so on ad infinitum. For example, very often, when a dispute runs out of arguments, one of the participants puts forward a seemingly undeniable argument: “If you are so smart, show your money!” In response, you can ask what amount will suit him? Is a gold card suitable or do I need cash? In dollars or euros? Are rubles considered? At which bank's rate? Do you need a tax return? The main thing is to remain calm and smile if possible. Your task is to tire the boor with endless clarifications. As a result, the last word is yours and without any rudeness.
Learn to understand the situation
At the beginning of the conflict, there is no need to recklessly go through all the options for repelling the boor. First you need to assess the situation and environment. The method of resolving the conflict will depend on this.
Most people read only basic information about methods of punishing a boor. And they forget about other factors. As a result, the situation worsens and everything only gets worse.
For example, the boss at work is the offender. Any manifestation of aggression and incorrect dissatisfaction will make him want to fire the employee.
In this case, the attempt to solve the problem was obviously in vain. It was possible to quit on your own, avoiding a nervous and unpleasant situation.
Method two. "Moscow is behind us"
This method is only good if your position is completely indisputable and you simply have nowhere to retreat. For example, you reprimand a neighbor who is smoking on the landing, and receive an obscene tirade in response. Do not rush to respond in the same spirit or leave. Put forward a reinforced concrete justification for your position: “Smoke is drawn into the apartment, I have small children there (elderly, allergy sufferers, etc.), it is harmful for them to breathe tobacco smoke!” The neighbor will most likely begin to object, for example, saying that he has nowhere else to smoke. Agree: “Yes, you have no place to smoke, but your tobacco smoke is harmful to my children!”, “I understand that you are only for a minute and just one cigarette, but I will not tolerate this, because tobacco smoke is harmful to children!”, “Of course , you really want to smoke, but it’s harmful for my children...” further in the text. The hardest thing here is to remain calm. You can handle the rest.
Method three. "Yes darling!"
Agree with the boor. But only on what we can really agree on. That is, he has the right to have his own position on a specific issue. For example, many have sworn girlfriends or malicious colleagues who will not miss the opportunity to sharply note that they do not like your makeup, the new suit categorically does not suit you, your legs are too short, and the last report you made is beyond any criticism . What to do? Agree! “Yes, Irina Viktorovna, you and I really have different tastes! Don't like my suit? Perhaps he is not your style! Are your legs different? Yes, I was unlucky. There's nothing to be done - legs are not a luxury, but a means of transportation! Is the report bad? I agree, he is imperfect. I'm working on it."
It may seem that all these methods are based on a fair amount of tediousness. Not without it. But here, choose what is closer to you - the silent experience of someone else’s rudeness, reciprocal rudeness or polite calm.
Other recommendations
So, remember, when you defend your interests and beliefs, conflict invariably brews. However, you should not be afraid of this, otherwise exploiters and manipulators will continue to wipe their feet on you. Each time, your successful resistance will show who your true friends are and who were just taking advantage of you.
Always act for your own safety. Remember, you should not be afraid of a person who demands submission from you (whether it is a spouse or a manager). If someone is forcing you to comply through threats, pressure, or even harm, consider talking to the police or support staff about the situation.
Of course, in this area, as in any other situation, there may be exceptions. Sometimes it would be good to stand up for yourself, but at other times, if you are asked to do something that will benefit you, it is better to agree and wait for another opportune moment.
