For forty years now I have never ceased to be amazed at the irony of human behavior. The most difficult case is the reactions I observe when my clients - adults in leadership positions - realize that they stand alone at the helm and are responsible for their own destiny. It is useful to understand that you hold all the cards and there is no one to blame if you fail. It's your game, whether you win or lose. Will it be easier for you if you understand this? I think not by much.
The truth is that when a person first accepts responsibility, he fears it. The ego that he has so carefully and carefully cultivated becomes a target for punishment. This is why we all love to have a scapegoat. Why fight your shortcomings when you can pretend to be a helpless victim?
Many entrepreneurs, to their credit, take on the role of “last resort.” Their passionate self-confidence is what drew me to study and work with them. They act in the spirit of Henry Ford: “Don’t look for someone to blame, look for how to correct the mistake.”
Advertising on Forbes
If taking life into your own hands seems too difficult, there is no need to make excuses. Try cognitive behavioral therapy. In my classes I use more than two dozen techniques: one for each case. Here are some examples.
Forget about old habits
The most common therapy method was developed by Aaron Beck for people suffering from depression. He noticed that depressive thoughts stem from a pessimistic view of oneself, the world around us and the future. This tendency most often develops in childhood.
Beck came to the following conclusion: if a person has become accustomed to a negative worldview, then he can unlearn it. To do this, you need, firstly, to help the client see that he perceives these circumstances too sharply and negatively, and secondly, to teach him new ways of responding to them.
People easily admit that they take things too personally. It is more difficult to wean yourself from such a reaction. There is one trick: reframe the perception. Let's say you think that you don't know how to establish business contacts. Instead of dwelling on past failures, think about what new opportunities are available to you if you are willing to take action. Naturally, the more “today” differs from the past, the greater your willingness to go out and meet people.
Phobia or disease
What is such a phobia? This phobia has a name - hypengiophobia. Literally translated from Greek - fear of responsibility. To put it simply, it is an unreasonable, excessive fear.
Interestingly, this phobia is considered one of the most common anxiety disorders of the psyche. Based on modern lifestyles, we can be sure that more and more people are at risk. In this case, it is not so much the disease itself that is scary as its consequences. Subsequently, its functional effect on the body can cause:
- ulcers;
- cardiovascular diseases;
- strokes, heart attacks;
- hypertensive diseases.
All these factors are one of the many reasons to combat hypongiophobia.
Self-interrogation
Beck also described a tendency toward irrational thinking, such as reading other people's minds ("I know he won't take me up on my proposal") and personalization ("Failure again - I'm damned!"). To counter these tendencies, I talk to clients about the nature of their misconceptions and then encourage them to engage in self-talk—a self-talk that turns their distorted worldview around.
One client thought in terms of “black and white”: everything could be either good or bad. Recounting how his first attempt to raise venture capital failed, he added: "I know I'll never get funding." I gave him a number of rational explanations for why he didn't get anything (including the possibility that the VC fund didn't have any money at the time). We talked about how it is irrational to predict future results based on one event. As a result, he was able to pass his internal self-examination. And in the end I raised capital.
Advice from a psychologist ↑
Fear of responsibility is not biologically determined; its basis is in the mental characteristics of the individual.
Several tips from psychologists will reduce the manifestations of increased anxiety in situations of responsibility:
- Get used to responsibility gradually. Global tasks can be postponed until later or divided into small parts. It’s better to start with single steps and actions (walking the dog, keeping the room clean, etc.), gradually “increasing the load.”
- Use the help of loved ones: it is possible to reduce the amount of responsibility by turning to relatives and friends for help. Their advice or actions will allow us to cope with the task through joint efforts.
- Identify situations that lead to avoidance of responsibility. A more specific set of them will allow you to analyze your fears in more detail.
- Generate motivation to overcome hypongiophobia. It is much more attractive to be a determined and successful person than to avoid even small tasks and decisions.
- Act under any circumstances. It is the performance of behavioral acts that is the initial stage of the fight against fear. Fear will initiate inaction; you should not give in to it under any circumstances.
- Cultivate faith in yourself - even if it seems that a situation of complete hopelessness has arrived, you need to look for a way out and believe that you will definitely find it.
- Forget about the habits of the past: pessimism and depression create the basis for a negative attitude towards everything. But if you have developed a habit of negative assessments, you can create the opposite attitude - optimism and positive approaches to the situation.
- Use self-questioning to work through your fear of responsibility. By asking yourself questions about the occurrence of a phobia and the manifestation of its characteristics, you can get to the bottom of it and avoid a black-and-white attitude towards the situation of responsibility.
It is a person’s desire to be responsible, and not hide behind his own weakness, anxiety and fear, that will create the foundation for overcoming hypongiophobia.
Ask yourself "why?"
Many entrepreneurs are carefully disguised slaves to so-called behavioral imperatives. You want your internal alarm to go off as soon as you think or say “I should,” “I should,” or “I can’t.” Behavioral imperatives doom people to dissatisfaction. Don't fall into this trap. Better ask yourself: “Who do I owe? Why can't I?
Let's say you want to buy out a stake in a new project. You may put pressure on yourself: “I have to get everyone’s support.” But ask yourself why you need this universal support so much at this moment. Maybe limited support (say, from the director) is enough for you? Freeing your consciousness from the pressure of stereotypes, you gain the ability to think constructively, which in turn will allow you to win the remaining majority.
Help from a psychotherapist
In psychotherapy, special attention is paid to types of social phobias. Hypengiophobia occupies one of the first places among them, since its effects are long-lasting and the consequences are dangerous. Fear of obligations in society and life leads to an imbalance of physiological functions and internal state. A person becomes sluggish, lacking initiative, inhibited, or, on the contrary, fusses a lot. You can't brush the problem aside. When you ignore fear and refuse to fight it, more serious consequences arise.
Social disorder affects the patient's well-being, causing physical health problems. Its consequences may include diseases such as:
- Stomach ulcers.
- Cardiovascular pathologies.
- Somatic diseases.
Uncontrollable fear, along with diseases of internal organs and systems, leads to greater disability of the patient and a serious life crisis.
Psychotherapists advise eliminating hypengiophobia gradually with an increase in the degree of responsibility and importance of tasks. Therapy consists of completing the development of the subject’s personal qualities, changing attitudes towards abilities, and organizing healthy behavior through highly specialized training. Only the physical symptoms of anxiety are treated with medication. Fear remains in the depths of consciousness.
Hypengiophobia is present in almost everyone, no matter who he is: a school student, a university student, an office worker, an unemployed person. The only difference is the level of fear of it. Fear of responsibility, unlike other social phobias, arises without historical reasons and without the influence of external factors. The roots of a variety of social phobia lie, as a rule, in the qualities of a person’s character, subsequently developed by society.
Imaginary stress
It's hard not to feel terrified in certain situations. But this does not mean that you need to give in to this feeling. Better try to accustom yourself to stressful situations in your imagination. Imagine an unpleasant event (for example, you need to tell your team bad news about the company) and try to relax. Repeat this procedure with different variations of the scene that frightens you. It's like shooting a free throw or putting a ball in the hole: the more you do it, the more automatic your reaction will become.
Consequences of hypengiophobia
The result of this behavior is broken obligations, dissatisfaction with management up to and including dismissal, an unsettled personal life, prolonged stress, and psychosomatic illnesses. Sometimes this state is experienced by top managers of successful companies, realizing that they are responsible for the financial well-being of the entire company.
Regularly postponing decisions and sitting in a corner, a person tries to reduce the likelihood of errors, but in reality he methodically destroys his life. Problems with your personal life, difficulties in building a career, loss of respect from colleagues and acquaintances - this is an incomplete list of the destructive consequences of such a life strategy.
Full immersion
Another way to deal with your fear is a technique called “flooding,” which is a complete immersion in what terrifies you. You replay everything a few steps forward until your fears disappear.
I recently used this technique with a client who, just before launching a new product line, became terrified of interviews. We gave him six press conference appearances over the course of two weeks (although we reduced the number of reporters at each meeting). By the end of the fifth conference, he was happily talking about his new product without any sign of fear.
Conclusion: No matter how scary it may be, taking full responsibility for your actions is the path to happiness, success and self-satisfaction. As Mr. Ford said, “When you think you can do something, and when you think you can’t, you’re right in both cases.”
How to get rid of the fear of responsibility
Find the root of your fear
Most people assess their fears rather superficially. They notice only the most obvious reasons (for example, the same low self-esteem). Instead, look deep and find out what is at the root of every fear you suffer from. Understand how your fear was formed and what factors are triggers for it.
As with most other fears, fear of liability can develop as a result of serious psychological trauma. Perhaps you once decided to take a responsible step and it led to sad consequences. Or, when you were a child, your parents limited your freedom to make decisions and did everything for you, explaining that you were not able to cope on your own.
Here is what Olga Bezborodova says about this: “The reason may be the shortcomings of the education system, the influence of parental prohibitions, which can lead to the formation in an adult of the idea that he is not worthy to make decisions, is not capable of taking a responsible position, that he cannot cope "
Will just recognizing the underlying cause of your fear help you overcome it? Hardly. But this is an important and necessary first step towards freedom from it.
Think about times when you took responsibility and it ended well.
For example, at work you agreed to take on additional responsibilities, although you were not confident in your abilities. In the end, you were surprised at how well you handled them.
Ask yourself the following questions.
- What made you take responsibility (even though you were scared)?
- What circumstances influenced you?
- How did you feel when you were able to successfully do what you set out to do?
Think about times when you have achieved success to help you figure out how to connect with the determined part of yourself. Start intentionally using this part when the need arises. Over time, you will find it easier to take responsibility.
Make a responsible decision every day
The only way to get out of your comfort zone is to make regular small “forays” out of it. Start small. Your first steps should be simple enough that you are not overwhelmed by fear, but complex enough that you are tempted to avoid making decisions. What it will be - decide for yourself.
Rate actions that involve taking responsibility on your own fear scale and start with one.
Gradually set yourself more difficult tasks. For example, decide to have an unpleasant conversation in which you have to express your point of view or apologize for your mistakes. A little time will pass, and you will not be so afraid to deal with difficult life situations. You will be confident in your ability to choose the right course of action.
Don't take on too much
Don't try to put the whole world on your shoulders.
Paul McCartney
It may sound counterintuitive, but sometimes fear of responsibility is associated with hyper-responsibility. Sometimes we inflate the smallest obligations that may fall on our shoulders so much that they really seem overwhelming. And at the same time, we completely forget about the joy these obligations will bring us.
Yes, if you decide to get a cat, you will have to feed it, comb its fur, clean up after it, and sometimes walk around with scratches. But you don't have to completely overhaul your life to care for a pet. Very soon you will get used to it, and caring for it will take you very little time. But you will get a wonderful furry friend, with whom it will be more fun.
Of course, you shouldn't rush to extremes. Realize that there is responsibility, but do not inflate it to universal proportions. And remember the advantages: most often there are more of them.
Accept that the problem may be something else
Sometimes responsibility scares us because it is associated with a certain person. When analyzing your behavior, ask yourself whether you are afraid to take on a certain task or whether you are repulsed by someone involved in this task.
Very often, when a person is afraid to get married, have children, or move in with their significant other, the problem is not necessarily a fear of responsibility. Perhaps it's your partner. Every time any issues related to this person arise, you will backtrack. In this case, the problem should be looked for in the relationship.
At-risk groups
Fear of responsibility for one's life is diagnosed with equal frequency in men and women. People from authoritarian and overprotective families are at risk. Low self-esteem, complexes, uncertainty, perfectionism, dependence on other people’s opinions - all this underlies hypengiophobia, but this is associated with the suppression of a person’s personality and independence in childhood.
Interesting! Psychologists note that women are more susceptible to fear of responsibility than men.
Treatment
If your loved one, or maybe just someone you know, avoids responsibility, you shouldn’t criticize him and call him lazy and cowardly. He is unable to overcome a phobia with sheer force of will.
So, force yourself to show courage by making an offer, agreeing to run the company, and so on. If only because he would simply lose consciousness.
It is worth remembering that a phobia is a mental disorder that should definitely be treated, and not left to chance, expecting that at one moment the horror will disappear on its own. Therefore, consult a psychotherapist or psychiatrist.
You shouldn’t be afraid of the words of a psychiatrist; you won’t be locked up in a mental hospital. The doctor simply has the right to prescribe medications that are not publicly available. And they require a prescription.
For example, antidepressants and sedatives. They are extremely necessary for a person with a phobic disorder. Since the body is in constant tension.
This depletes his resources and does not give him a chance to experience other emotions not associated with fear. Therefore, therapy and simultaneous use of antidepressants will give faster expected results.
Sleeping pills will allow you to improve your sleep, which will also have a beneficial effect on the recovery process.
You can choose any direction of psychotherapy that interests you the most. The most effective today are cognitive behavioral therapy and gestalt. Hypnosis is also often and quite successfully used.
