How to teach a child responsibility: at 8 years old, at 12 years old, teenagers

What is responsibility and how is it related to independence?

In the most general sense, responsibility is understood as the ability of an individual to recognize and accept the consequences of a voluntarily performed action.
This concept is often associated with independence, which, although close in meaning to responsibility, still has significant differences. Children's independence can be described in two words: “I myself.” This is the ability of a child or teenager to act without the intervention and active support of an adult. Responsibility is described in other words: “I will do it.” Simply put, the child follows the agreement and does independently what he promised to do.

If you look at the examples, doing homework without mom’s help is independence. And when a child remembers the lessons and completes them without prodding and with a clear conscience, this is responsibility. It is interesting that independent children are not always responsible, but responsible children are independent.

As for the chronological order, independence appears first, and responsibility develops on its basis. The youngest preschooler can also be independent, doing the cleaning, dressing, and eating with a spoon on his own. But teenagers are usually responsible, and only with proper upbringing.

It is important to understand that it is easier to raise an independent rather than a responsible child. Independence is formed on the basis of the skills the baby acquires as he grows up. The ability to be responsible for one’s actions is a more complex psychological phenomenon. And not every adult is able to cope with this “moral burden.”

Allow to make mistakes and support

It is natural to worry about your child. Not every parent can silently watch as their son examines the carburetor and their daughter pours boiling water. However, if we constantly show our worries, we risk going overboard and giving the child the wrong message - that we do not trust and believe that he cannot cope.

More confidence! You can not only trust your child, but also encourage him for his impulse to do something difficult on his own. If a child volunteers to help assemble a kitchen set, give him the right to make mistakes, especially if he is doing it for the first time.

Our personality is formed by our actions, and phrases like “What have you done!” or “Hands don’t grow from there!” definitely won’t help you become more confident and mature. On the contrary, the key to success is support: “I see how hard you are trying. Try turning the instructions upside down” or “Something is already working. Do you want to continue together?"

Independence does not equal responsibility

Photo: https://www.pexels.com/ru-ru/photo/5907606/ We have already mentioned this briefly, but it is worth revealing this nuance in more detail.
If a teenager knows how to clean, walk the dog, cook breakfast, read books, this does not mean that he will clean up without your reminder, get up every morning for a dog walk, or leaf through the literature assigned for home study. Maybe does not mean it will definitely do. If your goal is to instill responsibility in children, then be prepared for the fact that there will be many mistakes, failures, shirking from action and reluctance to make decisions. And that's completely normal. Responsible behavior develops gradually and becomes a skill or habit after a certain amount of time. In addition, experience is also important when parents are not afraid to give their child the opportunity to make a choice.

You also need to set priorities: pack a school backpack yourself or provide this opportunity to your child, but then he will be late for school. If order, strict adherence to all norms, and an unwillingness to face discomfort are important to you, then you will have to forget about children’s independence and responsibility. The child must learn to make decisions and face the consequences of his choice. This is an axiom! If you want, the law of the universe.

Why does a child grow up dependent?

Most often, the reason for a child’s lack of independence lies in the behavior of his parents. It is parents who make their children dependent by choosing an unsuccessful style of family education, which one way or another stifles children's initiative and responsibility in the bud. These are the reasons:

Excessive control : dictating a child’s actions is convenient - it saves a lot of time, but it only teaches you to follow commands and not set tasks for yourself. He grows up to be an excellent performer, but he is not able to do anything on his own.
Overprotection : in fear for the health and future of the child, parents surround him with excessive care, performing most tasks for him - from self-care to choosing friends. The child gets used to others doing everything for him, and turns out to be unprepared for adult life, where he needs to make decisions on his own, show initiative and bear responsibility.
Inflated expectations : when parents expect certain achievements, while not attaching importance to intermediate successes. In the absence of incentive (praise), the child loses motivation, does not realize the value of his daily efforts and small victories, and his self-esteem rapidly declines.
Unwillingness to accept the child's growing up : some parents find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that a child may have his own opinion - different from theirs; they strive to protect him from mistakes that are obvious to them, prohibiting certain things. This provokes conflicts, and if parents gain the upper hand, the child loses self-confidence and control over his own life.

These are common reasons that encourage parents to suppress children's independence. In practice, in everyday life, this manifests itself in the following things:

parents try to keep their child busy as much as possible, depriving him of free time;
They are used to being overly on the safe side: they don’t leave the child at home alone, they don’t allow them to use household appliances, etc.;
live by the principle “it’s easier to do it yourself than to teach a child”;
fails to demonstrate a worthy personal example.

Nurturing independence is the art of gradually letting go of a child, accepting his growing up, the ability to have his own point of view, make mistakes and learn from them. If this is not done on time, in the future the child will hardly:

will achieve success in his career because he will not be able to defend his professional opinion in the team and before his superiors;
will be able to take responsibility for his family and children because he lacks this skill;
will take risks, strive for change, because he is afraid of the unknown and is not confident in his abilities.

When to start developing responsibility in a child

Young children are infantile by nature and do not know how to be responsible. Until the age of three, children generally do not evaluate the consequences of their actions. Yes, the child says to his mother: “I myself,” but this does not mean that he is aware of the final results of his action. But this desire to do everything yourself forms independence, which, as we know, is the basis of responsibility.

In preschool and primary school age, children become more independent and begin to make informed decisions. Of course, infantility has not yet disappeared, so it is difficult to demand from a seven-year-old schoolchild high-quality cleaning or a responsible approach to doing homework. How to teach a child responsibility at 8 years old? Only by giving instructions and allowing mistakes.

It should be understood that each child is an individual. Even if you do everything right, this does not mean that in adolescence your son or daughter will become the most responsible person. Much depends on temperament, level of intelligence, social environment. But you need to cultivate independence, and we will tell you how this can be done using specific examples.

Set reasonable expectations

“When I was your age, I did my own laundry, tidying up, doing my homework, and even looked after my younger brother, and you...” we reproachfully tell our children when, within an hour of waking up, we have done nothing but scroll through social networks.
We often demand too much. We are surprised that our son does not know how to tie a bow, although we see that all his sweaters have zippers and his shoes have a quick lacing system. We are indignant that our daughter does not know how to cook anything, while we ourselves constantly order ready-made food home.

Before demanding anything from children, it would be great to think about two questions:

Did they have a chance to learn this? Have we created conditions so that the daughter can cook the food, and the son can easily tie a bow? And did they explain why this is needed and under what circumstances it might be useful?
Is this task appropriate for the child's abilities? A five-year-old child has difficulty falling asleep on his own, and a ten-year-old child does not yet have time management and does not know how to plan his day. And that's okay.

How to teach a child responsibility

So, the formation of responsibility occurs individually in each case, however, a number of universal rules and advice can be identified. They will help teach your child to make decisions and understand the consequences of their actions and choices.

Personal example of parents

A child learns about the world, including by looking at his parents. And if you want to instill responsibility in your child, start with yourself. Did you promise to read a fairy tale? Do it. Do you want your son to come to school on time? Don't be late for work yourself. And so on. Otherwise, children see double standards (mom can do it, I can’t), and also understand that irresponsible behavior is still acceptable.

Consistent approach

You can’t just tell your child: “Starting tomorrow, you yourself will monitor the completion of your homework. I won’t remind you.” You need to start small, gradually expanding the area and boundaries of responsibility. For example, today he keeps track of time and starts his written work without delay. Tomorrow he will check his own mistakes. The day after tomorrow - chooses the topic of the essay according to your taste and desire.

Right to make mistakes

How to teach a teenager responsibility if you forbid him to make mistakes or scold him for every mistake?
Correct answer: no way. Responsible behavior cannot be imagined without previous negative experience. Yes, yes, those same mistakes, broken knees, bad grades and other consequences that accompany the decision and choice made. Parents must recognize the child’s right to make mistakes. It is generally difficult to imagine our life without failures; we cannot insure ourselves against them. And you should teach your child how to learn a lesson and useful experience from a mistake. Should you scold or punish for a mistake? In most cases no.

A sequence such as “choice → mistake → punishment → fear of initiative” only discourages the child from taking responsibility. The following connection looks much more correct: “choice → error → analysis of the situation → conclusions, error correction.” This is responsible behavior.

Encouraging independence

Photo: https://www.pexels.com/ru-ru/photo/5529590/
We have already talked about this, but we will repeat it again. Forming responsibility in children is impossible without developing independence. If the mother follows the lesson schedule, fills out the diary, washes the dishes after the child and makes the bed, then we cannot talk about raising an independent and responsible person.

You need to start small: the same washing cups and spoons and dressing yourself. But this applies to small children. If we talk about how to teach a child responsibility at the age of 12 and a little older, then you need to select activities that are age appropriate.

For example, you can instruct your teenager to look for cheap plane tickets, gifts for relatives, etc. Or offer him to buy food for lunch, on his own, not according to the list. Let him buy what he considers necessary, and then see what can be prepared from it.

Establishing a connection between an action and a consequence

A responsible adult understands that every action, decision or choice has a consequence. But young children often do not see cause-and-effect relationships. Parents need to be helped to understand this with specific examples. It is best if they concern the child himself.

Let's say a baby was jumping in puddles, and then his feet got wet, and he started coughing. If you convey this cause-and-effect relationship to him, then next time he will think a hundred times before getting into a puddle. After all, having caught a cold, he will not be able to walk outside, launch boats, or play with other children.

As for teenagers, they usually understand the connection between an action and a consequence. If they stubbornly do not notice it, you can resort to some tricks. Let's say a child spent his pocket money on sweets or entertainment. This means that he will not receive any more money this month, and the purchase of headphones, for which he saved coins and bills, will be postponed indefinitely.

No comparisons

Photo: https://www.pexels.com/ru-ru/photo/5325683/
All people are different, this statement does not require proof and works great in the case of teaching responsibility. So comparing a child with “mother’s friend’s son” is extremely unproductive and even harmful. And if a neighbor’s child at the age of 10 independently traveled to the other end of the city for training, this does not mean that your son is capable of such “feats.”

Moreover, you should avoid making comparisons with yourself in the past. Of course, the phrase “Here I am at your age” flatters your pride, but does not motivate the child in any way. You existed in different life circumstances, you were surrounded by a different environment, and the experience of resolving this or that situation was also different.

Rights = responsibilities

As for teenagers, at the age of 12-16 years old the “rights – responsibilities” combination has proven itself to be excellent. If a child has many responsibilities and he copes with all of them successfully, the wider the list of his rights should be. And on the contrary, if he refuses to fulfill his obligations, then he loses some of his rights.

Along with rights and responsibilities, there are privileges and sanctions. A teenage child must be aware that irresponsibility destroys trust and leads to the imposition of sanctions.

Outline the scope of activity

The more “smart” assistants with artificial intelligence we have in our lives, the less valuable ordinary household skills are: washing a mug after yourself rather than putting it in the dishwasher, wiping the floor with a rag rather than a robot vacuum cleaner.

But such tasks can be useful: through them the child feels his importance and involvement in order and comfort in the house. Discuss what mission the child wants to take on: watering the flowers, feeding the cat, or making sure the trash can is filled.

To learn more about how not to spoil a child’s future, help him fall in love with learning, cultivate independence and stop worrying about him on the Internet, watch free recordings of the Skysmart interactive festival and VKontakte. Psychologists, media parents and their successful children share their experiences and life hacks.

How to teach your child responsibility in school

Of course, it would be great if studying is the child’s personal matter and responsibility. However, there is a risk that the educational process left to chance will lead to the fact that the student will stop studying / will receive only bad results / will constantly forget his briefcase, textbooks / will begin to be late for his first lessons...

To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to sensibly assess the child’s capabilities and find for him the golden mean of responsible behavior in his studies. That is, there is no need to go to extremes. Firstly, to overestimate the capabilities of a schoolchild, thinking that at the age of 10 he is already able to track his progress and plan his activities. Secondly, make excessive demands on the teenager, when complete control negates all efforts to instill responsibility.

Photo: https://www.pexels.com/ru-ru/photo/4144696/

To ensure that you are not disappointed with the results, there are several important aspects to keep in mind.

Age characteristics. Age is not just numbers and the number of celebrated birthdays, but an objective factor. For example, some areas of the cerebral cortex are finally formed by the age of 13. This applies to the frontal lobes, which are responsible for making plans, forecasts, and controlling their activities.
Step by step process. Any skill develops in stages. First, the parent does everything for the child, then the child does something together with the parent, and only then does it independently. This also applies to studies, when parental control is needed at certain stages.
Organization of the process. An adult is more experienced than a child, which means it is he who should help the student master the skill. To instill responsibility for learning, you need to properly organize the entire process. For example, make a list of things that are needed for each lesson, allocate time for homework, etc.

Any task or problem must be solved based on childhood experience. If a child can solve his own homework and put up with his classmates, there is no need to interfere. If there is no experience in solving the problem, you need to help the student in the first stages, and then step aside and let him do everything himself.

Free from control - allow to make choices

Every parent's superpower is multitasking. They remember almost everything and constantly double-check themselves and others: whether the child has learned a poem in English, whether he has bought a contour map, whether his sneakers for physical education are dry.

In fact, total control has more disadvantages than advantages. For example, in a study about motivation, three principles were identified that develop it:

Autonomy: feeling like I decided to do my homework myself
Competence: Feeling like I'm a dishwasher
The need for connection with other people: Petya and I are on the same wavelength, he sends me a cool meme, and I respond to him with my reaction

In addition, it has already been proven that the more control around a person, the less confident and competent he feels.

The child’s sense of self plays an important role: does he have that same feeling of “I can” and the freedom to act without verification. Adults can facilitate this: “I see your drawing. Wow, such nice colors! Yes, try mixing other colors. Will you show your work at my birthday? All the guests will be surprised, and I will be pleased..."

What mistakes do parents make?

All parents strive to raise their children to be independent, but sometimes they unknowingly make mistakes that have the opposite effect. The roughest of them:

doing for a child what he is able to do himself is easier, faster, safer, more effective, but more detrimental to independence;
letting your child perform an action on his own, and then redoing it before his eyes - this practice kills the desire to try it yourself next time - why, if the mother will do it much better anyway?
impose help and advice - in this way the child is deprived of the opportunity to try to solve the problem himself; if this happens regularly, this skill never has time to develop;
invade the child’s personal space: burst into the room without knocking, put personal belongings in order, check pockets - such actions deprive the child of a sense of security in his own home;
untimeliness - discrepancy between the set of skills that are being taught and the age of the child;
punish for the consequences - scold the child if his attempt to show independence ended in a complete fiasco (broke a plate, ruined clothes, etc.);
use an imperative tone when communicating with a child - this tone allows you to achieve obedience, but solely out of fear, and not because of awareness of the essence of the problem;
“rescue” at the last moment - coming to the aid of a child who has reached the end, doing housework or homework for him, thereby depriving him of the opportunity to feel the consequences of his disorganization and laziness.

Stages of developing independence in children

Independence is a kind of instinct that is inherent in us by nature to ensure the survival of the species. It first appears at the age of 1.5-2 years, when the child begins the “I myself” period. From this age, it is important to encourage expressions of independence, and, if necessary, gently push the child to perform certain actions.

1.5-3 years

This period is accompanied by the acquisition of basic self-care skills: the child learns to eat, drink, dress, wash himself, etc. He is very inquisitive and strives to understand the world around him. It is important to support him in all his endeavors, trying to provide him with maximum freedom, while not forgetting about safety measures.

3-5 years

It is a difficult age when a child begins to feel like an independent person (as it seems to him) from his parents. The need to be independent at this age is very high: the child tries to “grope” the boundaries of what is permitted, argues with parents on any issue, tries to prove that he is right, even if he himself understands that he is wrong. Not all parents are ready for such behavior, and often “kill” the independence of their children with parental authority. By the age of 5, the child:

cleans his room independently (collects toys, makes the bed, puts things in the closet);
participates in cleaning the house (wipes dust, puts things in their places);
helps in preparing food - performs simple tasks under the supervision of parents (grease the pan with oil, add flour to the dough, mix the salad, etc.);
pours himself water or juice from a bag or bottle;
takes care of the pet (able to feed and clean up after the pet).

At the age of 3-5 years, children form a scenario according to which they will later build their lives: the nature of relationships with people, behavior in critical situations, etc. Psychological traumas of this period are what the child will return to throughout his life. own life. The task of parents is to minimize these traumas and form a strong foundation in life that will give the child a good start in life.

6-12 years

When a child enters school, a new area of responsibility appears—study. Gradually, he acquires the skills of planning his time, learns to be responsible for his things at school and in preparation for it (pack a briefcase, take a uniform for physical education, etc.). This is a period when the child is still attached to his parents, but is already quite independent on his own. By age 12 he:

completes homework independently;
has his own household responsibilities along with adults (takes out the trash, fully cleans his room, can buy groceries, etc.);
monitors the cleanliness of his clothes, takes things to the laundry in a timely manner without reminding his parents;
cares for the pet (walks, feeds, cleans without prompting);
treats adults with respect;

By the beginning of adolescence, the child is completely independent in self-care and learning - he does not need reminders or control in these areas.

Adolescence 12+

Personal independence is the last stage that is important to complete on time. At this time, it is necessary to give the child more freedom, to allow him to make his own decisions. If in the early stages parents did not stop the child’s attempts at independence, then in puberty there should not be any serious problems with this.

However, conflicts with parents during adolescence are inevitable. There is an opinion that they are due to the need to separate children from their parents in order to create their own families and have children. A century ago, by the age of 18-20, a person could be called an adult: he was truly ready to create and provide for a family and raise offspring. Today, according to Rosstat, the average citizen of our country gets married at the age of 25-34 years. Modern psychologists explain this by the so-called “epidemic of infantility” of the new generation. That is why they recommend paying great attention to the development of independence skills in children.