Jealousy can destroy even the strongest relationships. We are often jealous of our significant other. And we often do it for no reason. Mistrust breaks the agreement that has been established in the relationship. Jealousy poisons relationships and fills them with mutual reproaches. I must admit that I went through all the stages of jealousy. And this is a good lesson that I learned from my own mistakes.
However, how dangerous is mistrust for relationships? Scientists say that jealousy can be useful, but only in small quantities. Jealousy shows that we love and value our partner. We want to protect our soulmate and are not ready to part with her. But in most cases, jealousy damages relationships. Jealousy arises from resentment, suspicion, fear and feelings of competition. But there is good news: you can always cope with the feeling of mistrust that overwhelms you. And the first step in dealing with jealousy is to understand how it affects relationships.
Jealousy can tear you apart
When we are jealous of our partner, we become selfish and possessive. We want to tie our other half more tightly to ourselves. It is important for us to be sure that we will not be abandoned. But this behavior can have the opposite effect. Any relationship presupposes freedom, which is based on trust. Without trust, we become hostage to our own jealousy. Excessive jealousy can drive your partner away, especially if you are jealous for no reason.
Mechanisms that trigger jealousy
It's funny, but jealousy is often interpreted as a negative feeling in interpersonal relationships that occurs when there is a lack of attention, love, respect or affection from a loved one or highly respected person while someone else is supposedly or actually receiving it from him.
But the trick is that the main reason for jealousy lies not in the person you are jealous of, but in yourself. This is primarily a loss of self-confidence. We can repress or justify the feelings and emotions accompanying it as much as we want. For example, irritation or even anger, and so on. We can assume that in this situation there is definitely a main villain - the one who is to blame. A woman will say: my husband looks at other women, it’s his fault. Or is it the fault of these women who smile sweetly at him in response.
Every woman can easily find just a billion reasons why someone is to blame for her jealousy. But the fact is that you are the one experiencing this feeling. Here, inside you, where it lives, there is no one else. It is very important to look at the responsibility that lies specifically with you. If you are jealous, it means that something is happening inside you. Certain mechanics are triggered. So let's try to figure out what kind of mysterious algorithm is activated at this moment.
Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat to a relationship. A person needs closeness, but the closer partners become to each other, the more rapidly the feeling of possessiveness increases. It is common to absolutely everyone. Each of us has encountered it in one way or another.
Jealousy upsets the balance in a relationship
Healthy relationships are built on harmony between partners. Equality between partners is the key to a long-lasting healthy relationship. But jealousy changes the delicate balance in a relationship. When we are jealous, we feel superior to our other half. One of the partners becomes more important than the other. And it's really dangerous. Each partner must understand that he is an equal participant in this game. It is important for us to understand that our contribution to the relationship is valued.
Nobody belongs to anyone
I have news for you - no one belongs to anyone. And even if two people enter into a relationship, much less marriage, they become a family. Of course, in marriage their relationship implies certain property rights. But still, this is not about the right to own each other.
In fact, relationships develop, move forward, do not stand still, and evolve at different stages. And if you are stuck at the stage of “he is mine”, “this is mine”, sooner or later jealousy will arise. Jealousy contains a very large potential for strength, transformation, resourcefulness and love, and first of all for oneself. And the main task here is to develop this self-love, to develop self-confidence. Understand that everything is in order, that you are initially worthy and have the right to all the best in this life, you have the right to life itself.
And this right does not imply claims against other people, and confirmation of self-esteem at the expense of others.
What to do if jealousy is ruining your relationship?
If you've dealt with jealousy before, then you know that it's a toxic and all-consuming feeling that you need to get rid of. You need to understand what is causing your feelings. Ask yourself: is there any real evidence that I should be jealous? Perhaps you are prone to jealousy even when there is no reason for it.
Jealousy occurs for one of two reasons. First, your trust has been broken in the past and you cannot move on from that experience. Secondly, the trust in your relationship has been seriously tested. Don't forget that both reasons can be resolved with the participation of your partner. Share your feelings with your significant other. Talking will help you resolve your doubts. You shouldn't be alone with feelings of jealousy.
Possessiveness
As a rule, when we talk about jealousy, we talk about the relationship between a man and a woman. But still, this is a broader concept. For example, you can be jealous of a friend who chose to go shopping with a friend over meeting you. You can be very jealous of your work and your project. Don't want anyone to poke their prying nose into it.
Jealousy involves a certain sense of ownership - the desire for something or someone to be completely ours. Plus, of course, a comparison mechanism: I’m not as good as she is, so he’s now paying attention to her, and not to me. But in reality, you may be fine. You’re just not confident in yourself, and now he’s talking to her at all only because they both studied to be nuclear physicists, and they have something to discuss.
So what happens? When you are jealous, in fact, it is primarily about self-doubt . Because if you are confident in yourself, you basically won’t have this feeling. This means that you know who you are, you know your worth. There is your partner, and you know who he is. You either trust and are in a calm, healthy relationship with him, or you don’t trust and end it. There can be no other options here.
If feelings of jealousy arise, it means that something is wrong with your condition. There are hesitations here, there are doubts here that look like doubts about another person, but in fact they are doubts about yourself.
This is your feeling of insecurity, fear that perhaps they will not choose you, that they will abandon you, and so on. And we need to deal with these fears.
In order to deal with your fears and remain in a full-fledged happy relationship with your partner, sign up for our free online course “Man: honest instructions for use. No drama or manipulation."
Hidden and obvious male jealousy
Male jealousy has 2 types: hidden (“quiet”) and obvious.
You are deeply mistaken if you think that hidden jealousy is easier and more harmless. Psychologists note that this manifestation is more burdensome. In this case, the guy is jealous in silence, with claims, insults, and arrogant looks.
The man is offended, does not agree to state the reasons and listen to explanations, refuses to eat or spend time together. Does not sleep with a girl (goes to another room) or even periodically leaves the common area of residence.
It is impossible to understand and enter into a dialogue with a quiet jealous person - he completely shuts down, is capricious and behaves like a small child. The reasons for jealousy can be the most banal nonsense: they went out to buy bread without him, left HIM for the sake of a sick friend, warmly communicated with the class teacher in his presence, forgot to call after work, were late for dinner.
If you have an event planned tomorrow, prepare for aloof behavior today. To all attempts to persuade his lover, to caress him, to defuse the situation, the man reacts sharply and contemptuously. If you give in, abandoning your plans, he will take it calmly, with the words “Go wherever you want, do what you like.” Of course, with such a presentation, the mood is at zero, but the manipulation worked.
If a man is softer in character, quiet jealousy will break through not through secretive hysterics, but “by chance,” in cautious and random questions. For example: “Your cell phone operator called you yesterday, tell me you’re impressed with his story, otherwise I’m also thinking of switching to this tariff.” It's a common question, right? Not in the case of a quiet jealous person. Damn him if you enjoyed interacting with that poor operator! Offense guaranteed!
Obvious jealousy begins quickly and loudly. It appears in the form of regular accusations, reproaches and questions. A man doesn’t like absolutely everything: a fitness trainer, delays at work, correspondence with fellow students, your friendly relationship with the vegetable seller. Loud jealous people are not shy about showing emotions, so they show their discontent violently. You will be interrogated with passion, and the man will not hide his negative attitude towards your (so-called) mistakes.
But it is easier to resolve the conflict with them. There is a claim - there is an answer. It makes it easier to dot all the i’s and move further in the right direction.
How does jealousy keep a marriage going?
In the famous book “Games People Play,” American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne tells how one person with personal problems selects as a partner someone who will support and nurture these problems. This is such a game: the heroes have developed rules, and they cannot break out of them.
Most likely, you have come across such games in your life. Here's a simple example: a friend complains about some difficult situation, and you offer solutions. But to each option he answers: “Yes, but...”. As a result, not a single proposal is accepted, because the initiator of the game is not playing to get advice, but for some other reason. Moreover, he himself may not even know these reasons.
It’s the same with jealousy: a couple plays a game, but they don’t even understand it themselves, but simply continue to follow the established rules.
Game "If it weren't for him"
Sometimes jealousy is a manifestation of more complex feelings. For example, passion has disappeared in a relationship, and couples act out scenes of jealousy in order to somehow “warm up” feelings and experience strong emotions.
If both partners live this way and are happy with everything, then you don’t have to change anything. For example, the girl Olga specifically does everything to make her boyfriend Maxim jealous: she flirts with bartenders, talks a lot about her male colleagues. And when she manages to provoke Maxim, they quarrel and then make up with the help of violent sex. This doesn't seem like a healthy situation, but couples can live like this for many years.
Female jealousy - the main reasons for the appearance
According to psychology, female jealousy in relationships is a more complex manifestation than the development of possessive feelings in men. Representatives of the stronger sex are more likely to worry about physical infidelity, while partners are usually afraid of the spiritual side of adultery. A fleeting infatuation with another woman or a short-term sexual affair worries a spouse less than a partner who is in admiration for a random acquaintance or a passing lady.
Among the causes of jealousy in women, psychology identifies several main factors:
- a painful fantasy that paints vivid pictures of adultery, and there is no basis for jealous behavior - the spouse behaves as usual, without giving a reason for such behavior;
- inferiority of a woman - against the background of her shortcomings (often they are far-fetched), she believes that comparison with other representatives of the fair sex is not in her favor;
- jealous attitude towards the former passions of the spouse - the partner tries to find out what was so special about her predecessor and what is missing in her appearance or character.
Psychology also suggests looking for reasons for female jealousy in certain character traits that manifest themselves too strongly. Representatives of the fairer sex usually tend to dramatize events and are prone to worry for no reason. The sense of ownership also often has long-standing roots that stretch back to childhood. Dangerous phobias are often formed in childhood, which manifest themselves in adulthood. In this case, you need the help of a psychologist who will competently identify the long-standing cause of jealous behavior and help eliminate its influence on family life.
Couch Conquerors3
The type of people who are used to appropriating everything from the first minutes are almost impossible to re-educate. And if your precious lover is tyrannically “protecting” your personal space, then it’s time to make a move. Such a maniac will not stop at any arguments, because his main goal is to keep his “charm” to himself. Even if this beauty is you. Selfishness, in principle, has never been the correct model of behavior (except perhaps only a little), and coupled with the manners of a jealous tyrant, this is a completely nuclear mixture.
The reason for this may be a long-standing trauma from childhood. For example, parents divorced due to the betrayal of one of the spouses, and the child in the future will always expect a dirty trick from his passion. Or previous novels were not successful, so in the present there is a fear of losing everything again. But it’s worth remembering one thing: the past does not define a person. Whatever happened before, it is not a fact that it will happen again in the future. Therefore, there is no point in being jealous for no reason, but it is better to show that you are truly worthy of not being betrayed anymore.
What are jealous people afraid of?
The main reason why jealous people are afraid of their partner’s betrayal is possible loneliness and the need to look for a “soul mate” again. They are always emotionally dependent on their loved one; it seems to them that their partner never loved them or has stopped loving them and is preparing to leave.
Jealous people tend to create hysterical scandals and threaten their lives if their loved one leaves. The essence of jealousy in such behavior lies in low self-esteem, because of which jealous people do not believe in their own strengths, in the fact that they will be needed by someone else, someone better.
It happens that excessive pride and fear of the collapse of their own image make people feel jealous even towards someone who was not needed in the first place. This type of jealous person believes that cheating on their partner will undermine their authority in the eyes of others and make them appear sexually unattractive. In this case, we are not talking about love.
Trust but verify
The first thing that drives jealous people is mistrust. And not necessarily to your chosen one! You sometimes look askance at your crush’s surroundings, secretly hate his or her friends, especially those of the opposite sex, and do your best to protect your partner from communicating with society. No sane homo sapiens will like the fact that they are trying to alienate him from those who are dear to him. And this is where the conflict flares up.
A mortally offended and suspicious opponent is not always ready to heed the voice of reason and realize that every individual vitally needs contact with other people. There is nothing criminal in this, so coming up with grandiose betrayals in your head is stupid, to say the least. Most often, the guilty realize everything only when everything has already been destroyed and nothing can be returned. We must remember that life is not a well-thought-out plan; unforeseen events and accidents can always happen here. And if they don’t answer the phone, it doesn’t mean that they are already in bed with their lovers. Perhaps the phone just died or got stuck at work.
Believe in yourself
Jealousy is often caused by low self-esteem. It is thanks to low self-esteem that thoughts about your partner’s betrayal appear, which must happen because of your shortcomings. It seems to you that your soulmate is surrounded by people who are smarter, more beautiful and more interesting than you, and against their background, you are simply lost and cannot compete.
How to deal with this type of jealousy? The main thing here is to clearly understand that you do not and cannot have competitors. Your partner has already chosen you and that means he loves you for who you are.
But repeating that I am the most beautiful, smart and charming is still not enough. Constant work on yourself is necessary, because there is no limit to perfection. Take care of your appearance, create an atmosphere of friendliness and comfort in your family.
Many excellent books have been written about how to increase your self-esteem. Since this topic is really very voluminous and cannot be covered in one article, the women’s site KoKetKa-web advises reading books by such authors as Dale Carnegie, John Count, Louise Hay, etc.
Dangerous games with jealousy
Women are capable of going to great lengths to maintain a relationship with a loved one. Some are sure that in order to slightly “revive” fading feelings, you need to give your husband a reason to be jealous. Psychologists believe that this method of “revival” most often guarantees a complete break in the relationship. Let's look at what can destroy family relationships.
1. Provocative clothing
Even the calmest and most balanced man will not tolerate the presence of his wife dressed as a “call girl” next to him. A deep neckline and a mini “nowhere higher” give an unambiguous signal of complete accessibility for any man, and you will never be able to convince him otherwise. It’s easier for him to leave than to constantly imagine you in this outfit next to others. If you want to protect your husband from worries, and yourself from guaranteed troubles, then you should completely update your wardrobe and bring it closer to the standards of a “good wife.” Remember the golden rule: one thing can be open - either the back, or the legs, or the décolleté area. A short skirt and a blouse with a deep neckline is already vulgar.
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Calmness, femininity, moderation and a sense of impeccable taste will only emphasize your natural attractiveness. And you can save a provocative suit for a pleasant evening alone with your husband. Believe me, he will only be happy.
Go to work like it's a holiday
A common mistake women make is to take their husband for granted. The one in front of whom you can appear with your bun on one side, smudged makeup and wearing sweatpants on duty. But he constantly sees you as completely different - an ideal beauty, dressed up for anyone, just not for her own husband. Perhaps he will be silent for some time, and even then he will not say anything, because he will be afraid of seeming funny in his stupid jealousy. But he is quite capable of ruining life with petty reproaches and nagging (at first glance not at all related to the real reason).
It’s not at all necessary to keep your home looking brand new. To prevent unpleasant situations, it is enough to change your old robe to a house dress or suit and try to look well-groomed even at home. My husband will appreciate it.
Less mystery
The flair of mystery, unpredictability and mystery is good only in the first stages of a relationship. Then it only irritates you and makes you suspect that you have something to hide. And most often, husbands begin to think that you are hiding your relationship with another man. This behavior can alienate a partner at any stage of the relationship, even after decades of a strong marriage. Of course, he should not report on what you were doing every minute in his absence, but he should be absolutely sure that he is the one and only in your life, and you love him very much.
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"Harmless" flirting
Many girls really like it when interested glances follow them, and they inevitably begin to flirt a little with men at a friendly party or an official dinner. Your husband will definitely feel this and react with lightning speed. Most likely, he will be jealous. But this may not end there. At best, he will ruin your mood already at home. At worst, he will quarrel with the guests, and then blame you for everything. The relationship between you may continue, but he will never forget that you gave reason to doubt your integrity and loyalty, and such men are not forgiven.
No comparisons
Men simply hate being compared to someone else, even just talking about someone else's successes. In the eyes of his woman, he wants to be the best and most beautiful (Apollo is resting). This, in his opinion, is the basis of an ideal relationship. And if his wife starts communicating with some men by phone, on a social network or in a meeting, then he will simply leave without explanation. You should never tell your husband about your boss’s salary, your fitness trainer’s figure, or your colleague’s new car. Thus, you contrast another man with him, forcing him to doubt his indisputable merits. Even if you want to drive your husband off the couch and finally force him to lead a healthy lifestyle (take up a career, sports, or just get a job). He might even get up from the sofa, but where he will go is another question. published
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The other side of the coin4
There is no doubt that the feeling of being afraid of losing you is incredibly soul-warming. But if a lover begins to snatch the phone out of his hands and read all personal correspondence, this is already beyond good and evil. Undoubtedly, jealousy has its advantages if present between partners in moderate doses. What does this mean? Let's figure out together why a man is jealous!
Sometimes it would be nice to show that you value your soulmate not just because she is yours, but because she is simply nearby. Support the aspirations of your loved one, take an interest in his life, try to share some hobby together - this will greatly refresh your existence next to him. And you can show your affection in different ways: demonstratively hug, take your hand, or simply say: “I won’t give you to anyone, because I love you.” This certainly won’t offend anyone, but on the contrary, it will flatter anyone, regardless of gender.
Is jealousy a sign of love?
We must understand that jealousy itself is not a sign of love.
In most cases, this feeling is not generated by devotion, but by inflated pride and a painful fear of loneliness. Severe jealousy can destroy even long-term relationships.
The border of the unacceptable is crossed at the moment when the partner ceases to be perceived as a separate and free person, and becomes just a “toy” that must live according to clearly established rules. After this, any deviation in behavior begins to be perceived as a personal insult, betrayal, which leads to serious conflicts.
Why are we jealous?
Why does it happen that when your partner feels free, suddenly you have a feeling of insecurity, a feeling that you are about to be abandoned?
The roots are deep in childhood. We are talking about the feeling when a child first understands that his mother does not belong to him completely . Even in the womb, the child is closely connected to her by the umbilical cord. Then the first thing happens - birth trauma. First separation from mother. Over the next three years, the child remains in very close contact with the mother.
By this age, with normal treatment, he begins to understand that mother may go into another room, sometimes she may want to take a walk, sometimes she may want to talk on the phone. And over time, this merger stops and moves into other stages. This is a normal healthy process, this is how it should happen.
Of course, this separation and the recognition that we are two different people, me and my mother, will be associated with the next trauma - separation. In child psychology there is even a special construction that calls this period the “three-year crisis.” The child begins to separate from the mother. And what is important here is how the mother treats her child at this moment , whether she realizes that the time has come to move to another stage or continues to keep him in close connection. Or vice versa - at a time when the child still needs close interaction, he does not pay enough attention to him.
As a result, already in adulthood, the feeling that the partner is free will cause many painful reactions. Jealousy, envy, anger, indignation, irritation, indignation and many other negative feelings. In such states, you feel absolutely powerless and incapable of anything at all. These feelings can even lead to depression. It’s important to understand them, it’s important to look at them. And deal not only with superficial feelings , but with those that are there, deep inside.
