Toxic person. What are the dangers of communication?

Often in life we meet people who are unpleasant to us, with whom it is really difficult to communicate due to a certain feature of their personality;
in most cases we call them "toxic". But what to do if these people are in your family, and how to interact with them? Or what to do if you realize that you yourself are that toxic person? First, you need to determine what exactly “toxicity” means to you, because in this case you need to rely solely on your own ideas, feelings and beliefs. When you have determined what meaning you put into this concept, you need to think about whether you have a need to change something in communicating with this person, or whether you are comfortable communicating in the format that currently exists, or whether you still understand that you are uncomfortable remaining in this form of interaction. And in conclusion, if you have determined that you are not happy with this, then you should make those decisions and take those actions that will be comfortable exclusively for you, without relying on feelings such as shame and guilt, because otherwise it will not be your decision, but a solution that will satisfy exclusively other people’s needs and requests.

But if you have certain difficulties, the following information may help you.

Who is a toxic person and how to recognize him?

A toxic person is someone who, without objective reasons, expresses his opinion about all events in the lives of others, belittling the importance of situations, or generally devalues people’s life experiences and expresses a narcissistic opinion even in situations that do not directly concern him, and, as a result, thoughts expressed can become causes of stress (depression, etc.) in others.

You can also often hear from such individuals about problems in all areas of their and not only their lives. And the terrible truth is that you will never be able to explain to them that they are going beyond your boundaries, to places where access is closed. All the same, at the next meeting, you yourself (if you are the toxic person) will say that someone was wrong, and only you have the only right decision.

Signs of a toxic person

Toxic people (often unconsciously) fill our living space, affecting our well-being, productivity, and self-esteem. This category of people are unable to appreciate the positive things around them, and instead they focus on making things worse. It is very important to know and be able to distinguish the signs of toxic personalities, because ignorance can be a barrier in finding solutions to a difficult situation. A toxic person could be your employee who simultaneously complains about the weather, runny nose, salary, iced tea, poisoning the mood of others, or your friend who likes to joke, but any of his jokes sounds like mockery and humiliation addressed to you, and you can’t do anything object and defend yourself.

constantly creates drama, tragedy, conflict, accident around itself;
tries to control and manipulate other people without caring about feelings and attitudes;
For this person, for everything bad, someone close to him is always to blame and never this person himself;
experiences a lot of envy of other people and a jealous attitude towards those whom he considers to be his close circle of friends;
expresses constant complaints about his own unfortunate fate, health or bad luck and, conversely, the luck of others;
extremely uncritical of themselves, but there is a high level of criticality towards others, towards the world: as a rule, there is nothing good in anything or anyone, only shortcomings, a lot of expectations from everyone except themselves;
he is often dissatisfied and seems as if he doesn’t like everything, everything is wrong. A joyful smile on their face is very rare;
uses other people to satisfy his own needs: from pouring out his soul with all the details to asserting that we are friends / relatives;
his conversations are often riddled with sarcasm, mean jokes, and derogatory comments about other people;
they refuse, do not want, do not accept help from loved ones, do not consider the possibility of psychotherapeutic help or working with a psychologist. Usually they do not admit that something is wrong with them, and attempts by relatives to help him see the other side of the coin are perceived as a lack of understanding of his difficult situation;
can, without feeling guilty, incorrectly, rudely or humiliatingly treat those who are lower in status, for example, service staff in a cafe or hotel, subordinates, cleaners, etc.
often tells you about your mistakes, not in a support format. At the same time, it seems as if he is doing you a favor, saving you and telling you the right path, in fact, these tips do not contain a single drop of support, but only a way to look better than you.

What does the proverb “all that glitters is not gold” mean?

Gold?

All that glitters is not gold - you need to evaluate someone or something by its internal content, and not by external signs * A speech may be correctly composed and literate, but stupid and meaningless * A book may be brilliantly published, but empty and uninteresting * An idea can be perfectly presented and replicated, but it cannot be implemented * A product can have a “marketable appearance” and loud advertising, but be of poor quality * A person can be handsome, but a villain (see Oscar Wilde “The Picture of Dorian Gray”)

English analogues of the saying “all that glitters is not gold”

All that glitters is not gold - not every sparkle is gold;
Actions speak louder than words - actions speak louder than words
All are not hunters that blow the horn
All are not saints that go to church - not every righteous person who goes to church

Russian synonyms for the expression “all that glitters is not gold”

It’s not pretty, but you can say thank you later
The dress is black, but the conscience is white
With eyes and braids, and with soul
He looks like a morel and braids the porridge like a hero
The bird is loud and his shirt is black
The hut is not red in its corners, it is red in its pies
The book is not beautiful in writing, but in the mind
Although it is not visible to the body, it is in fact powerful
Don't look for beauty, look for kindness
Don't look at the face, but look at the custom
Don't judge by arrival, judge by departure
They are greeted by their clothes, they are seen off by their minds

Application of proverbs in literature

- “Moreover, it was decided to start the classes with the saying: “All that glitters is not gold” (V.A. Kaverin “Many good people and one envious person”) - “On stage, not all that glitters is gold, and just like that “Not everything that glitters seems to be gold” (K. S. Stanislavsky “My Life in Art”) - “Yes, sir, Larisa Dmitrievna knows that not everything that glitters is gold” (A. N. Ostrovsky “Dowry”) - “Like this proverb: all that glitters is not gold, but about this thing we must say: even if it doesn’t glitter, it’s gold!” (A.F. Pisemsky “The Troubled Sea”) - “Subsequently I learned the meaning of the French proverb: l'habit ne fait pas le moine, and the Russian proverb: they meet you by their dress, but they see you off by their mind, i.e. I learned that all that glitters is not gold, and I was disappointed.”

(F.V. Bulgarin “Memoirs”)

The importance of personal boundaries when interacting with a toxic person

Recently, people have increasingly begun to talk about personal boundaries and their importance in people’s communication with each other. So what are personal boundaries? They are based on concepts and principles that a person has determined personally for himself, based on his own experience. They begin to form in early childhood, and the basis is the interaction between mother and child. Therefore, it is important from early childhood to distinguish between yourself and the child and understand that the child is a separate unit of society, although at the moment he is small and dependent on you. Boundaries also include the ability to stand up for yourself, which is the basis for interacting with toxic people. This suggests that the lack of personal boundaries is the circumstance that worsens your morale when in contact with a toxic person.

Causes of birth of “toxics”

In fact, these are deeply traumatized people. They are victims of psychological abuse in childhood, traumatized by a significant adult. The experienced aggressor introduced a toxic program of behavior into the consciousness of the “toxic” person. She sealed the feelings, changed the nervous system. The person eventually stopped realizing what he wanted. He has become an emotional cripple and has no empathy at all. Needless to say that emotional intimacy with such a person is impossible?

The traumatized person ends up lying and manipulating simply because he doesn’t know how to interact with society differently.

Toxic people usually don't know what they are doing. They sincerely consider both themselves and their behavior model to be correct. They are confident that they are helping others through manipulation. And they consider themselves “good”.

These are people without peace in their souls and they should be pitied. However, it is better to do this silently and at a distance, because a “toxic” cannot change at the suggestion of a stranger. The reincarnation of a poisonous person is real only if he sincerely wants it.

Why is responsibility important when dealing with a toxic person?

It is important to understand and accept that you are an adult and conscious person who is responsible for yourself. Responsibility and awareness is the basis for you to be able to understand whether you are in contact with a toxic person, be it a friend or family. Accountability gives you the opportunity to say no to things you disagree with, but to acknowledge that there are opinions that differ from yours and to respect those positions. But this also does not mean that you will rush at everyone with a battle cry and defend your position, since this is a manifestation of immaturity and a low level of responsibility. Yes, and by shouting you will achieve little, you will only give the reaction that a toxic person expects from you.

Explanation of the saying “strike while the iron is hot”

Strike while the iron is hot

Strike while the iron is hot - if the necessary conditions or a favorable situation have arisen to implement your plans, act immediately. Luck comes to those who know how to use their chance

The English equivalent of the expression “strike while the iron is hot”: hoist your sail when the wind is fair—raise your sails when the wind blows fair

Synonyms of the proverb “strike while the iron is hot”

We must blow while the wind blows
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today
Mow, scythe, while there is dew
Strike while the iron boils
When the wood is burning, then the porridge is cooked
When it boils, then cook!
Catch flies, spider, as long as the legs are not plucked
Nice until you catch a cold
When it's hot in the oven, then it's cooked.
Pull the veins while you're alive!
If the reins are broken, you can't control the tail
If you cut a healthy tree, a rotten one will fall down on its own.
Soar the bone in time!

Application of the expression in literature

- “Strike while the iron is hot, as they say, your lordship,” Dolgopolov non-stop poured words like peas” (V. Ya. Shishkov “Emelyan Pugachev”) - “A matter is a matter, it must be resolved. As they say, strike while the iron is hot. “I don’t know how to start,” Kuzma hesitated” (Valentin Rasputin “Money for Maria”) - “At the same time, my innate foresight, keeping in mind all the circumstances I heard and noticed, pulled me towards discoveries according to the proverb “strike iron until hot” (A. S. Green “The Golden Chain”) - “Taking advantage of the queen’s favor, Grigory Alexandrovich, remembering the Russian proverb: “Strike while the iron is hot,” first of all hastened to reward his ambition” (N. E. Heinze “Prince of Taurida” ) - “I was stunned, but soon recovered; she gave me a note from her guardian: “Strike while the iron is hot, I’m going to my mother to prepare her” (P. P. Vyazemsky “Letters and Notes of Ommer de Gell”)

Respect yourself and choose yourself

When we come into contact with a toxic person, unfortunately, we lose ourselves. Why? This is quite easy to explain by some legacy of the past, when they always listened to the opinions of others, strangers, and denied their own idea and solution. We are used to living in the thoughts and worldview of other people, because from the outside we can see better. In fact, there is such a truth of life, other people live their lives, and you live yours: with your unique experience and worldview. And only you can determine what decision to make and what words to say. There is no right or wrong decision, only the one that suits you exclusively and exclusively in your situation. And, most importantly, you need to understand that you are an adult and self-sufficient person who has the right to make the decisions that are right for you. And the best advice: always choose yourself.

A beautiful maiden - a shy girl, a beauty or a young woman

In school lessons, many of us were told that the old Russian expression “krasna devitsa” means “beautiful girl.” And the word “red” was used to denote the color red. But if you look at old dictionaries, you can see a different explanation.

In some old dictionaries, “fair maiden” is interpreted as modest, shy, bashful.

So, if you believe the compilers of ancient dictionaries, the phrase “fair maiden”, through its interpretation “modest,” acquires a direct connection with color.

After all, what is characteristic in the behavior of an embarrassed young charmer? It is known that her “cheeks turned red.” In the sense - they acquired a reddish tint. That is, the girl was embarrassed and blushed.

In one of the dictionaries you can even find the following synonym example, used in everyday life, explaining the expression “a beautiful girl” - “a girl is beautiful in behavior.” In other words, she behaved modestly and blushed deeply every time.

So “red maiden” did not necessarily mean “beautiful.” The young woman described could well be ugly, but well-behaved.

Fans of paganism claim that the phrase “fair maiden” originally had nothing to do with beauty or modesty. And it pointed exclusively to... the character’s age.

The word “red” comes from the name of the daughter of the goddess Rhoda, the ancient Russian goddess of tenderness and meekness Kora (Kra). The “fair maiden” among the pagans was understood as “a female person at a tender young age.”

Young girls, emphasizing their age, actually wore red belts, but then they were called red belts. And the age itself was called red, that is, dedicated to the goddess Kra (Kore).

In general, according to the age scale, the life path of a representative of the fair sex was divided into several stages:

Don't be afraid to be alone, leave a toxic relationship

Often we are afraid to be alone and because of this fear we maintain relationships that are no longer comfortable and give a lot of positive emotions. And in these relationships there was only anger, a lack of understanding of what was happening and how to deal with toxic people. Why does this fear have such power over us? Everything is quite simple, we are afraid of ourselves and our desires, because we cannot be different, not like everyone else. In fact, this is a problem for several generations who were brought up earlier. The concept of that time taught to be like everyone else and not differ in anything from the rest. Therefore, we try through other people to compensate for what we do not have in ourselves, because this is easier than taking on internal work on ourselves and growing the missing elements in ourselves. Neither your parents, nor your lover, nor your friends are obligated to meet your needs. But it’s worth saying that you shouldn’t cover other people’s needs with yourself. It’s not for nothing that they say the phrase that we come into this life alone and leave life alone, and there is no need to be afraid of this.

Dead of night

Dark, long winter night... I wake up in the middle of this night; The swarm of dreams flies away; The sighted eyes stare into the darkness. An incoming series of gloomy thoughts quickly replaces my dreams... At night, when everyone is silent and asleep, the hours of lonely vigil are sad. I feel like I'm in a coffin. Darkness and silence. I don’t see, I don’t hear... I want to live, and, mortally grieving, I am trying to throw off the oppressive roof. The likeness of a coffin is unbearable to the heart; The spirit's former strength is weakening... The dark, long winter night has worn me out with its ominous silence. Suddenly, while my sick mind was dreaming that the last hour was coming, Gulko rang out the double Blagovest outside the frame into the bell of the neighboring church. Glory to you, morning announcer! Sleepy peace is no longer scary to me. It's time for light and life! The dark one is coming to an end! 1894

Control the situation

Often, when communicating with a toxic interlocutor, control of the situation is in the hands of the person who suppresses the other. You need to make sure that control is in your hands and this can be achieved by the following steps:

First of all, you need to get rid of the guilt that toxic people impose. The feeling of guilt has nothing to do with conscience, and it is a rather destructive feeling. After all, morality and human conscience are guided by the norms of human interaction, and the feeling of guilt is associated with a specific person, whose interests you have hypothetically, in the opinion of this person, limited.
When dealing with such a person, stick to the facts. Draw his attention to a real, not theoretical solution to the problem. If such a person becomes increasingly angry, stop the conversation and reschedule the discussion for another time.
Don't pay too much attention to toxic people. Golden rule: the more toxic the person, the shorter your contact time should be. Solve everything quickly, and if you have to listen, do not ask clarifying questions.
Learn to regulate communication. If you are uncomfortable with what another person is saying, draw conclusions about your interactions with them and make objective decisions. If possible, complete the conversation completely; if this is not possible, refer to the previous points.

Definition in simple words

Toxic people are usually called people who tend to deliberately provoke negative emotions and states in others in order to rise above them and feel their power.

Such people shift responsibility for their actions onto other people, blame everyone but themselves for their problems, endlessly complain, be sarcastic, and gossip. Communication with them is always in a negative way, so it takes a lot of energy.

As a rule, such people are very unhappy at heart. They are torn apart by internal conflicts, envy of others' success and well-being, and are troubled by past grievances and traumas. At the same time, they consider it a monstrous injustice that they have to experience all these unpleasant feelings alone. Therefore, they try their best to share this “wealth” with others.

Toxicity occurs to some degree in every person. It happens that we lash out at our loved ones in difficult moments, we are rude to people who do not deserve it at all, we splash out the negativity when we no longer have the strength to keep it in ourselves. After something like this, a normal person feels shame and guilt and strives to somehow compensate for his mistake. The toxic person experiences a feeling of moral satisfaction if he managed to “download” his interlocutor.

The main weapon in dealing with a toxic person is politeness.

For toxic people, the most important thing is to get you out of balance. After all, if you are calm and polite, they will not receive the emotional charge that they so need. Or they will not have the opportunity to pour out their negative emotions on you. And they don't like it. It’s even worth saying: this is so critical that it can cause a wave of negativity, and the consequences of this will be like a powerful tornado. Therefore, you should start by working on yourself to learn how to remain calm in such moments. One of the effective techniques is the ability to breathe correctly. Oddly enough, we are talking about deep breathing, which will not only allow you to calm down, but will also saturate the blood with enough oxygen and make it easier to bear stress. Yes, yes, exactly stress. However, stress is a normal reaction of the body and psyche, but the most important thing is that you need to be able to get out of it. Specialists such as psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists will help you with this. After all, the calling of each of the presented specialists is to help people: a psychologist will help to establish internal harmony with oneself, which will allow one to learn to surround oneself only with favorable people; The psychotherapist will help you acquire the skill to independently cope with internal discomfort. Finally, contacting a psychiatrist will help cope with stress if interaction with toxic people has led to deterioration in health.

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