From kindergarten age, most people know the truism: if they don’t want to be friends with you, communicate, and so on, you shouldn’t impose yourself. People are different, as are their values and goals, you can’t force yourself to be nice and everyone won’t like you (unless, of course, you’re a dollar bill). Sometimes it happens that a person simply does not fit into someone else’s coordinate system, and they gently tell him: “Leave me alone.” The majority understands this message the first time, and communication stops - after all, self-respect for the majority is more valuable than someone else’s sympathies or whims.
But sometimes mysticism happens: they explain to a person that they are not going to communicate, be friends, and so on with him, but he does not give up, imposes his company, comes home, writes in messengers. If this lasts for many months, reasonable fears arise for one’s health: maybe the opponent is mentally ill? Or is he a so-called stalker? What to expect now, what to prepare for? Maybe the rejected one will come to the offender for a showdown, and it’s time to call the police? In general, I want to understand what is wrong here, and why simple words like “leave me alone” do not reach some people, either the first or the hundredth time.
In fact, everything may turn out to be much simpler: on the other side there is not a madman or a stalker, but a banal narcissist, unable to survive rejection and, as a consequence, the collapse of his self-esteem. To get rid of an obsessive fan, you need to understand the nature of this phenomenon and choose the appropriate strategy.
Relationship with a narcissist
In fact, there are some pleasant moments in a relationship with a narcissist. For example, if he chose you, it means that you are a really strong and interesting person. He is not interested in manipulating gray mice, who are already afraid of everything. He needs a challenge... like you.
Essentially, narcissism is a psychological way to fill the emptiness inside, to cover up low self-esteem with inflated opinions. Unfortunately, this projection also affects everyone close to the narcissist. His own insecurities should accompany you, because if this does not happen, he will be left alone with his inner monsters.
I've always wondered how narcissists end their lives? But now I realized that this is not so important, they punish themselves, depriving them of normal relationships and support. They do not know how to love in the usual sense for us.
Narcissists have a rather unique way of thinking. They have no gradation from white to black, no understanding of the golden mean. There is ONLY black or white. All. You're either right, but it's almost impossible, or you're wrong.
Narcissists have a highly developed so-called perverted narcissism. This is the elevation of oneself at the expense of other individuals. That is, they cannot enjoy their own victories; they need to belittle the people around them in order to look presentable against their background.
In the early stages of a relationship, a perverted narcissist surrounds his victim with care and support. Of course, there are certain signs by which you can understand who you are dealing with, but when you love, it is difficult to accept the truth. He easily gains confidence and rushes like a tank. Such relationships usually start brightly and develop rapidly: they met, got married a month later, and had children a year later. It is important for him to surround the object of his manipulations from all sides.
And only after you depend on him emotionally and financially, when you already have a ring and a belly, the inverted narcissist will show xy from xy. I recommend avoiding this type of personality, but if you have already managed to start a relationship with him, either learn to live, or try to break out on your own or with the help of relatives. Although they may be under his spell.
Training
Toxic people respond to your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disrespect, and expressions of disappointment. They use what I call conditioning to make you associate your happiest moments, interests, hobbies and dreams with their cruel and heartless punishment. In psychology, this is known as positive punishment: adding unfavorable circumstances to prevent a particular goal-directed behavior. When you are regularly punished for achieving a goal, you develop a pattern of negative reinforcement in which, for safety reasons, you avoid goals associated with punishment. Like Pavlov's dog, you are gradually taught to fear the things that once made your life happy and fulfilling, while isolating you from friends and family, leaving you emotionally and financially dependent on the toxic person.
Once the honeymoon is over, this person will both covertly and directly suppress those qualities and traits of you that he once idealized. He will throw you off the pedestal he created and devalue you. He will ruin your holidays, vacations, birthdays, anniversaries and other dates that are important to you.
Narcissists condition us by suppressing our enthusiasm and disrupting our plans during moments that should be filled with joy, such as the birth of a child or professional success. This discourages what relationship researchers call “capitalization,” the expression of excitement about an experience or achievement that enhances its value (Reis et al., 2010). When we cannot share good news with our partner because we expect them to punish or humiliate us, we are deprived of the pleasure of the expected celebration.
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Training leads us to the feeling that everything that brings us joy can be minimized, fundamentally spoiled, or unfairly and completely taken away.
Switching the focus from any of your accomplishments or achievements to the narcissist is an indicator of his pathological need to be constantly in the center of attention. Look at what several victims experienced during what should have been the happiest moments of their lives.
Brooke: “My father sabotaged all the holidays in my life and turned the attention to himself. School, college and university graduations, my baby's baby shower and baptism ceremony."
Amanda: “On all holidays, my mother finds a reason to get angry and make us look like terrible children who abandoned her on her special day. However, she did not show up to my graduation. She said my baby shower was gross and I had to beg for her to come. She threw a huge tantrum at both of our weddings and threatened to leave in the middle of the event. The list goes on and on. We are not allowed to be happy and have some intimate moments just for ourselves.”
Megan: “When we got engaged, my stepmom bought herself a two-carat diamond ring because I was so excited about my engagement ring and I got a lot of attention. I once mentioned that I dreamed of a green Jeep Grand Cherokee. A week later she bought herself the car of my dreams.”
Rachel: “Every holiday and important day in my life has been ruined by my husband's tantrums or disgusting comments. Every single one of them. On Mother's Day he called me terrible names, on Christmas he threw gifts at me because I accidentally opened a box meant for him, he called me names because I didn't want to go down a steep cliff at night on the beach in complete darkness, and that's just the beginning. "
Narcissists are eager to destroy anything that might undermine their control over your life. They are pathologically envious and don't want anything to come between them and their influence over you. After all, if you realize that you can get approval, respect and love from other sources, what will keep you in the relationship? A little training from an evil toxic person will make you tiptoe around and forget about fulfilling your big dreams.
This form of manipulation instills in us a feeling of learned helplessness. It forces us to struggle with the constant feeling of fear that even when everything in life is going well, a toxic parent, partner, sibling, friend, colleague or boss will show up and try to take it away.
Training leads us to the feeling that everything that brings us joy can be minimized, fundamentally spoiled, or unfairly and completely taken away.
“I'm afraid of making other people uncomfortable”: when there's really nothing to be ashamed of
How to manipulate a narcissist?
You don't have to rub your eyes, you read that right. It is also possible to manipulate a narcissist. But this will be a slightly different type of manipulation than you are used to. Your task is not to outplay him, but to break your emotional connection.
To understand how to deal with a narcissistic man, you need to distance yourself from him. No, this will not change the narcissist, he will not become normal and understandable. He will always be like this, always manipulative. Are you ready to live your whole life with a person who will try to crush you every second?
So, the best way to try to argue with a narcissist is to determine which conflicts you are ready to enter into and which ones you are not. Make this decision for yourself personally; you don’t need to voice it to your partner. For example, issues related to children and family finances are extremely important to you. Don’t give in on these topics. Just ignore the rest of the minor disputes, agree, step away. This is your strength - you know who he is and you can try to play on it.
Remember, winning an argument with a narcissist does not mean convincing him, it means not letting him control you, not letting him change your opinion about yourself and the issue in dispute. Narcissists are ready to do anything in pursuit of “victory” and gaslighting is their bosom friend. He will try to confuse you, pretending that you don’t remember anything, he will try to make you look like a fool.
You will be able to make the right decisions on your own and say the right words directly in an argument with a narcissist, but for this you need to become emotionally independent from him. That is, remove emotions and feelings, something that a narcissist easily manipulates. This is the same abuse, only without beatings and intimidation.
The greatest thing you can achieve in an argument with a narcissist is maintaining personal boundaries and not feeling guilty for your words and actions that are imposed on you. Don't expect him to crawl to you on his knees with an apology.
Based on the rules of the game, you need to make your plan. Don't try to manipulate your relationship, he will easily give it up... but he won't leave you alone. By the way, the behavior of a narcissist after a breakup can be extremely unpredictable. They are vindictive and bitter, so if you decide to leave, move away so he can't influence you or your work in any way.
What is narcissism?
As a specialist told us, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a pathology that affects many people nowadays. Scientists have conducted research and found that about 8% of the total population of our planet is somehow susceptible to this disease.
However, without a diagnosis it cannot be said that a person has narcissism. According to the international classification of diseases, pathology can be identified by certain symptoms. Among them:
• a greatly exaggerated opinion of oneself; • the desire to have unlimited power and ideal relationships, like in the movies; • belief in one's “exclusivity”; • the need to constantly receive admiring reviews; • inventing your own special rights; • desire to exploit people • inability to empathize; • strong feelings of envy; • arrogance.
The presence of only five of these signs allows you to make a disappointing diagnosis and wonder whether you want a future with such a person.
How to communicate with a narcissist in an argument?
I repeat, the main thing is don’t try to win. This is not a game with a winner and a loser. This is standing up for your boundaries and opinions. Your task is to stop his manipulations. But you shouldn’t start a fight if you don’t feel strong enough to reach the end.
Visualize your victory
Imagine how he goes out of his way to make you emotional, tries to humiliate you, uses gaslighting. And you sit opposite him, wave your leg and don’t react. That is, you do not fall for his manipulations.
Imagine how you skillfully fend off all his attacks, not being fooled by his blows to the sickest. You're a rock, he's smeared. You don't need to defend yourself because you are 100% sure that you are right. No, not even that, your rightness is greater than you, so you don’t need to prove it.
When you imagine this in pictures, then it will be easier to hold the defense. You will see the goal and not act blindly. No, it won’t be easy, especially if you have long assumed the image of a whipping girl. But over time you will succeed. True, most likely, by this moment love will pass, that is, the emotional component will go away. But you won’t be able to manipulate a narcissist in an argument any other way.
You're wrong and I'm right
The narcissist will always start from this position. Therefore, his passive-aggressive behavior can be annoying. In general, he doesn’t mind hitting you in order to break you, but he understands that you need to be careful with this, and he may not be able to restrain himself. Such individuals, by their nature, do not know how to control their aggression. But while an abuser can force himself without thinking about the consequences, a narcissist acts this way only in the most critical situations.
In his mind, perverted narcissism should make you defensive. That is, with his behavior he drives you into his manipulative framework. Your task is to stop trying to prove something to him. What is your fault? What is he like? Well, that's purely his problem. Relax, you don't need to prove anything or defend yourself.
Just because he accepted this position doesn't mean you have to accept it. There is no need to defend your point of view. She's right, just stand your ground. Because if you loosen your grip even a little, he will safely drive you into a cage of self-flagellation and low self-esteem.
This is why you won’t be able to quarrel and argue with a narcissist like you would with a normal person. When the victim of such a relationship realizes this, thoughts arise: how to break up with the narcissist.
Basic mistakes
What not to do:
- Trying to blame yourself . The narcissist has taught his victim to believe that everything is his fault. At first, the habit will continue. However, this will soon pass.
- Make contact after a breakup . The narcissist will again try to tame his victim through seduction. You should not give in to provocations.
- Lower self-esteem . The narcissist already underestimated her to the person. Don't do the work for him.
- Listen to other people's opinions . You won't be good to everyone. Many people may view the breakup negatively. This is their right. However, you should not listen to their advice. The final decision must be made by the person himself.
Vanity Fair
The most characteristic traits of a narcissist, which those who like to make diagnoses based on their avatar usually focus on, are vanity and narcissism. Other characteristic but lesser-known symptoms are a lack of empathy, envy, a tendency to exploit others and a desire for power, as well as a sense of being special and requiring special treatment. All these features can manifest themselves in varying degrees - from mild personality specificity to a noticeable pathology - the actual narcissistic personality disorder.
Given that narcissists are often truly successful and well-liked, their expansion in society can create a sense of injustice in more meek, modest and underappreciated people. It may seem that these narcissistic egoists get too much completely undeservedly. But at the same time, the inner world of a narcissist cannot be called harmonious. It’s difficult to feel stable when your sense of self-esteem is always “outsourced” and depends on other people’s assessments.
