Domestic violence is a problem that is much larger than many realize. Official statistics show that every fifth woman in Russia is subjected to domestic violence. We tell you how to deal with this.
Alena Tretyakova, family psychologist
In our country, the situation is complicated by the fact that Russian legislation does not yet have the concept of “domestic violence”. And according to existing laws, it is possible to bring an aggressor to justice only if the victim received serious bodily injuries. Everything else is not considered a crime and does not require any measures.
The situation is even more complicated because even in cases of physical injury, victims of violence rarely seek help, much less bring the case to court.
By definition, if a person has shown aggression two or more times, we can talk about domestic violence. This is a very important point: if a conflict occurred once, perhaps under the influence of some serious circumstances, then there is reason to believe that the situation will not happen again. However, if it is repeated a second time, then this indicates a person’s propensity for such behavior and immediately turns into violence. Please note again: twice is enough.
Story 1
Olya married for great love.
Igor seemed like the ideal man: he earned good money, was athletic, and attentive. He proposed to her two months after she moved in with him. And everything promised great happiness, if not for one episode, which, no matter how Olga tried to forget it, remained that very fly in the ointment. It all started with small reproaches and increased interest in which of the men the girl was communicating with. She didn’t give reasons, but since she worked in a male team, it wasn’t difficult to find them if she wanted. Then there was a restaurant where, as it seemed to Igor, she was too kind to the waiter. At home, he made a scandal, accusing her of inappropriate behavior, and eventually hit her.
Then he went to bed, and in the morning he apologized for a long time and swore that this was a big mistake that he would not repeat. Olga believed. But the mistake was repeated right after the wedding, where she talked for too long with the witness, and then on her honeymoon... And after... And every time there were vows and promises in which she believed...
Relationships in a family where violence occurs develop according to a strictly defined cycle:
1)
The man escalates the situation. There are unfounded quibbles, accusations, most often groundless, constant criticism. The phase can last for a long time, as women often try to calmly respond and defuse the situation, mistakenly hoping to reduce the outbreak of violence.
2)
Direct violence. Lasts for a certain period of time from 2 to 24 hours. The tension accumulated in the previous stage finds a way out, and intense discharge occurs. The man falls into uncontrollable fits of anger. Moreover, this can be a single long episode or a series of attacks.
3)
Reconciliation. After violence there always comes a period of great love. The offender becomes affectionate and attentive, tearfully asks for forgiveness, desperately swears that this will not happen again. Women believe in this, reset the previous stages in their memory and live in a fairy tale until the transition to the next round of the cycle occurs.
Further relationships occur in a vicious circle: nagging, prohibitions, violence and again impeccable behavior.
Talk to him like a normal person
Talk to him as if he never left. Pretend that you are not bothered by the current situation, even if it is obvious. Ask him easy questions about his life in general and how things are going.
Of course, you might be tempted to wonder why he left without saying anything, but the goal is to leave him helpless. After you do this a few times, he will naturally begin to explain something. A man will try to tell you why he left you, especially if he still needs you for the relationship.
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What makes women stay in such relationships?
First of all, the inability to adequately assess reality.
They really believe every time that this will not happen again and live in the hope that the man will change. Each has its own reason for this belief, but most often it is the result of behavioral patterns taken from the parental family.
The longer a woman stays in such a relationship, the more her mental health suffers. Self-esteem decreases, self-confidence disappears, the situation seems insoluble. Under constant pressure, she begins to come to terms with the idea that “no one else will need her,” “she will be lost without her husband,” “she should be grateful to her husband for living with her at all,” and so on.
The most dangerous stage begins when a woman takes responsibility for the abuse. “I provoked it myself” is the point after which we can talk about the impossibility of coping with the problem on our own.
What is the benefit of silence to the one who initiated it?
A person who manipulates silence wants to gain control over their partner. When the victim of passive aggression gets tired of being ignored and wants to get rid of the feeling of rejection and lack of love, she will agree to the conditions presented. The habitual “Love must be earned” setting, which is familiar to many, will be activated.
Having a working tool of manipulation at hand, a silent person will be able to remake his partner to suit himself, force him to act against his principles. In the short term this may have an effect. But any changes obtained this way will not last long. The partner will sooner or later stop responding to manipulation or completely break off the connection.
Story 2
When Oleg came home drunk, Sonya knew that she had to be very careful and choose every word.
Sometimes she was able to get him to sleep peacefully. But most often it all ended with accusations against her that she was ungrateful, did not appreciate him and did not know how to do anything in this life. The reason was under-salted cutlets, a mop that prevented him from passing, and even a look that might seem too provocative to him. And then more often than not he raised his hand to her. Several times she tried to share this with someone she knew, but everyone knew Oleg as a wonderful person and had a hard time believing that he was capable of such a thing. And even her own mother once said: “Maybe you’re not acting right with him.” And Sonya began to doubt... Maybe it really was her. After all, with others he is always so cheerful and kind, but with her... And she looked for this reason, tried to please him more and more, but every time a new reason appeared that provoked him. And she blamed herself for not being able to do what was necessary and again angering him.
Often those men who do not show aggression in society are prone to domestic violence.
Therefore, it is difficult for a woman to find support and understanding of the problem among her friends. They often face judgment, which makes their situation even more difficult - they desperately need help, but they cannot ask for it. And over time, they themselves lose understanding that they are in trouble.
The most important step towards solving this problem is a realistic assessment of the situation. It is possible to cope with this only if a woman finds the strength to admit that such a man’s behavior is not normal, and most importantly, can be extremely dangerous for her. And with this awareness, go look for help. Help in order to feel safe, to understand that the situation is not hopeless, and most importantly, to find the courage to find ways out and use them.
The problem is complex and, as a rule, affects many levels of the individual, so in most cases it is impossible to cope on your own, and the support of specialists is required.
Manipulation of silence and ignoring - how to behave and react correctly
Manipulation by silence and ignoring is a form of passive aggression.
Many people mistakenly believe that total silence is better than screams and scandals with flying plates at the wall. In fact, the opposite is true. The fact is that silence is the harshest and most destructive type of manipulation for the psyche.
Before you learn how to behave in such a situation, you first need to understand the reasons for such behavior in a man.
The reasons may be the following:
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- The man himself became the object of manipulation by silence in childhood;
- He himself began to use this manipulation and it worked!
- A man may behave this way because he has remained unheard for a long time;
To stop using manipulation with you, you need to make it stop working.
How to respond to being ignored and silent
Important! Don't fall for manipulation. You will make a mistake if you begin to show double attention to the person, react to his ignorance, or ask for forgiveness.
It is your reaction to being ignored that is the main goal of the manipulator. He wants to make you feel guilty, angry, out of control, etc. And if a person manages to do this once, then the manipulation will occur regularly.
When a person stops talking to you and begins to ignore you, tell him the following phrase: “I understand your feelings, you need to be alone. Let’s talk about the problem when you’re ready—you tell me about it and we’ll talk.”
And then you just leave the person alone and don’t touch him.
If the manipulation continues, then it is very important to know the following rule: treat people as they treat you. If they turn on the cold towards you, then you need to do the same. And with redoubled force. The manipulator must understand that no one will run around him and he will not achieve anything with his silence. The highest level is when you do not react to such provocations on an internal level.
What is manipulation really?
Manipulation is a tool of control and imposition of one’s interests to the detriment of the interests of another person.
For example, by remaining silent, a person may want to make you feel guilty. So that you realize your “wrong” behavior and begin to apologize.
But even if your behavior was wrong, then in such a situation (when you are ignored), your apologies and making amends will play a cruel joke. You will simply encourage your partner's negative behavior and then he will do the manipulation again and again. After all, if manipulation works, why refuse to use it?
You can only apologize when your partner is open to dialogue, in other situations - not!
Read on the same topic: Signs of a toxic relationship with a man - in simple words (Opens in a new tab)
50% of success in solving a problem is recognizing it. Therefore, as soon as your partner begins to ignore and not talk to you, the first thing you need to do is to realize that they are now trying to manipulate you. Understanding the situation already changes your behavior.
How does a boycott affect a person?
At the very beginning of the article, I wrote that playing the silent game is the harshest type of manipulation. But why? After all, from the outside it seems that this is the most harmless way to influence a person. No fists are used, no assault. Then what's the matter?
Man is a social being who by nature needs contact with other people. As soon as a person is deprived of this opportunity, the psyche begins to experience stress.
One of the most terrible punishments invented by man is social deprivation. When a person is deprived of the opportunity to contact other people.
Confinement in solitary confinement is the most severe test for a prisoner.
Therefore, when a loved one stops talking to you, it is perceived painfully on a physiological level.
Deprivation is especially painful in relationships. Because it is relationships that satisfy a person’s need to be needed and loved. And at the moment of total ignorance, they make it clear to you that you do not exist and that you are not needed. This is what has the most destructive effect.
I shared with you a phrase and a model of behavior that can help in a one-time situation. But what to do if the manipulation of silence is repeated again and again?
What to do if your partner regularly manipulates and plays the silent game? Now you know what effect total ignorance has on the psyche. You need to talk to your partner and explain the situation to him. If you remain unheard, then this is a good reason to break off the relationship.
You simply find yourself in a situation where you are better off without a relationship than with one. After all, when you are regularly manipulated, it cannot bring happiness.
Initially choose partners who are not prone to manipulation. Otherwise you will have to suffer a lot.
Now I will share with you the signs by which you can identify a toxic man. This will help you avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
Getting ready for oral answers correctly!
When you have to speak in front of a large audience or just answer at the board, proper preparation is important.
The child needs to rehearse his speech in front of listeners, who can be parents or grandparents.
Step 1. Go to the board
Pay attention to a confident step and posture. Shoulders should be straightened, head raised, breathing should be even and deep.
Step 2. Assess the situation
In order not to stray from the right course, you need to think in advance about your reaction to the actions of the teacher and classmates. To do this, we mentally imagine ourselves in class: Vovka from the second desk is constantly misbehaving and making faces, you definitely shouldn’t pay attention to him, but your friend Dasha from the fifth desk will always help and advise, which means you can sometimes look in her direction.
Step 3. Start answering
Pay attention to the voice. It should sound confident, not too loud, but not quiet either. The pace is measured, without long pauses. The more confident the student speaks, the more confident he will feel.
Step 4. Follow the plan
Any report must have an introduction, main part and conclusion. It is better to make a plan for your answer in advance and try not to deviate from it.
Step 5. We are not afraid of questions
If the teacher asks a question about the topic of the speech, you need to be ready to answer it. Therefore, parents need to prepare a list of sample questions that their child may encounter in class and ask them in a calm, homely environment.
One rehearsal will be enough for the child to feel more confident and calm when he has to answer at the board or give a report.
“You should focus on your new girlfriend.”
If you know another girl was the reason for your breakup, tell him to focus on her. Some guys manage to date many girls at the same time, but after some time they leave them.
Of course, you shouldn't be treated as a backup option, and he should know that. Even if you don't have a boyfriend right now, it's better to be single than to date someone like him.
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Tell him how you feel about his actions
In most cases, people may not know what emotions their actions evoke in another person. In truth, he might have noticed that you had feelings for him when he just wanted to be a good friend. That could be true, or maybe he was afraid of how things would turn out.
Either way, let him know how you really felt when he suddenly left. Have you felt sad, empty, used or depressed? Tell him about it.
Why are children afraid to answer in class?
The situation itself, when a child is called to the board, is quite nervous and tense. The student finds himself under the close attention of not only the teacher, but also his classmates. Moreover, he still needs to demonstrate his knowledge, tell a learned topic or solve a problem.
For some children, being called to the board causes slight excitement and anxiety, while others seem to fall into a stupor: they remain silent or mutter something to themselves, some may even cry.
Why is this happening? There may be several reasons:
Fear of failure
The child is afraid that his answer will be wrong or that the teacher will ask him a too difficult question.
Often such fears are associated with the excessive demands of parents who only want excellent academic performance from their child.
Fear of a specific teacher
As a rule, children are afraid of authoritarian, rude and sharp-tongued teachers who strictly enforce discipline and are not averse to expressing their opinion about the child in the presence of his classmates.
Personal characteristics of the child: increased anxiety, timidity, timidity, shyness
Such children are afraid of any public speaking, take a long time to get used to a new environment and have a hard time experiencing any failure.
Insufficient knowledge of the subject
The student knows that he is “floating” in the subject, and if he is called to the board, he will not be able to answer well. This is where fear and the desire to “merge with the desk” arise when the teacher opens the magazine.
Speech impairments (stuttering, burr, lisp, etc.)
Any verbal response causes discomfort to such a child. He is embarrassed by his speech and tries to speak as little as possible.
Fear of ridicule and ridicule from classmates
A child can be a victim of bullying, and any time he comes to the board becomes a “holiday” for the bullies.
As we can see, fear of answering in class can be caused by a variety of reasons. And if parents do not intervene in the situation and help the child, this may have negative consequences for him.
- The child will live in a state of chronic stress, worrying every day that he may be called on in this or that lesson.
- The fear of answering at the board gradually extends into adulthood, preventing your son or daughter from expressing their opinion at work, making a report or making a presentation. In this case, they say that the person has a fear of public speaking.
