Just yesterday they were full of energy, working hard at work and at home, building their lives, raising children, helping with grandchildren. They made decisions, managed their lives and gave advice. They were needed and in demand.
What about today? A lot of sores and a feeling that life is over. The children have grown up and provide for themselves. The grandchildren have become independent; there is no one to babysit. And so problems begin to arise in the relationship between parents and adult children - “whims” on the part of the parents and excuses on the part of the adult children.
Parents feel unnecessary; adult children are too busy to include communication with parents in their “schedule”. When there is no need to interact with each other, then naturally communication is reduced and relationships fade away.
Don't treat communicating with your parents as a duty
Communication with parents - especially if it is associated with negative emotions - is perceived much more difficult by adult children if they treat it as a duty. It is important to remember here that no one decided whether to be born or not, and in order to be “owed” to someone, you need to borrow or ask for at least something from someone on your own initiative.
A person imposes all obligations in this sense on himself - or they are imposed on him by his own love (which is quite logical). So you have the freedom to choose how and in what mode to communicate with your loved ones.
Remind yourself often that you are not a hostage in this relationship, and then communication with your parents will become much more pleasant for you.
Your personal experience remains only with you
A big mistake many parents make is trying to scare their child with their life experiences, which are full of negativity. Yes, parents who have experienced defeat in life are trying to protect their beloved child from the same mistakes. Just don't do it in a critical manner.
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It’s better to advise something, admit that it didn’t work out for you and, most importantly, why. But under no circumstances insist that an adult abandon his idea. In the end, it might not work out for you, but your son or daughter might just get lucky. No - this will be his personal experience, which will help in some way or at least make the person stronger.
It’s even worse when a parent who has not achieved anything in life begins to persistently give out intrusive advice.
If you begin to persistently protect against “mistakes”, then you will find yourself guilty of not allowing you to try your luck. A wise parent lets their children fill their “bumps”, but always gives advice and, if suddenly something doesn’t work out, supports them morally, and does not reproach them with the phrase “I told you so.”
Call first
Although some parents may be overly intrusive when communicating with their children, many, on the contrary, are afraid of disturbing someone once again - even those closest to them. At a certain age, they may begin to feel their company is undesirable, and themselves - superfluous and unnecessary in your life. To help them overcome this feeling, don't wait for them to call you, go ahead of them: call and visit them on your own initiative. When your parents feel important to you, they will be calmer, and there will be much less reason for conflict, rest assured.
Relationships between parents and children - taking steps towards
When does a person feel good? When they guess his wish. Remember, you were unexpectedly given what you wanted or what you secretly dreamed of? A wave of sincere joy and delight covered you. These are the same feelings your parents have when you establish relationships with them. Parents feel as if they have been given a gift, not a material one, but one that makes their heart flutter.
Do you remember how it happened in childhood: you, relatively speaking, wanted a car, but they gave you a doll (or vice versa), what happened to you? As a child, I want to hit and throw this hated gift.
When we grow up, we express emotional states differently. We can hide behind a polite smile, but hostility/anger/hatred rages in our souls.
At the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan, maps of each other’s desires are revealed, those that are hidden from us. Agree, it is much more interesting to communicate with parents or adult children when you can literally guess a person’s desires. In this case, relationships are built differently.
At Yuri Burlan's training, all the nooks and crannies are revealed and the most complex labyrinths of a person's unconscious desires are unraveled. And you, like an experienced pathfinder, boldly move forward, knowing that behind this darkness lies a charming, sweet desire to be right and the best. When you understand that these are not reproaches and whims, but simply a desire to be the best, then a smile of understanding involuntarily appears on your face.
Relationships between parents and adult children can be improved. And it doesn't matter how old you are. The first steps towards each other can be taken at Yuri Burlan’s free online training.
Register here.
We advise you to read
What our mothers don’t talk about: Skype exercises for mom, or Why we still need gadgets “My dear old people,” or How to take care of the older generation Are you offended? Call your mom
Authors: Dina Liyasova, therapist, medical psychologist Victoria Vinnikova, teacher Corrector Anna Boben
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”
Report less negative news
With age, people develop a fear of life - due to the fact that they themselves can no longer significantly influence it. Therefore, some of the problems become unsolvable and cause serious difficulties and stress for elderly parents. They are especially upset by the problems of children, because they can no longer help in solving a difficult situation. This, in turn, makes them feel powerless.
If you don't want your parents to be in this state, try to protect them from overly traumatic news as much as possible.
On the contrary, tell them willingly about small problems in which they can help you - this way they will be convinced that they are still useful and necessary to you. And this feeling is very important in the life of any person.
The “I’m big and you’re small” attitude is very bad.
The common problem of millions of parents is that they flatly refuse to accept the fact that children tend to grow up. Quite often you can hear from older women that they consider their adult children to be small. They say directly: “For me you will always be small,” and quite seriously. This phrase is some explanation of why mommy still controls every step of her son, who is no less than 30 years old.
With this approach, you can raise either a mama's boy (or daughter) or an adult who will not take the parent seriously. A mother who says this cannot be an authority.
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If you want your child to be successful and respect you, recognize his right to grow up. Believe me, there is nothing bad or scary in this, it’s normal.
Don't try to re-educate your parents
As children grow up and parents grow old, the balance of power in the family begins to change. The older generation is becoming limited in its capabilities, while the younger generation, on the contrary, is just getting the hang of it. Elderly parents may understand many things worse than you, and they may need your help in solving difficult situations, just as you once did. However, you should not take advantage of this and assert your power over them, as if they were stupid children. You can never change your parents. Don't settle scores with them for childhood traumas and grievances - they are adults, and they need to be accepted for who they are if you decide to maintain contact with them.
Always remember your child's strengths
Alas, even the most wonderful parents sometimes have to quarrel with their children (or at least argue). After clarifying the relationship, resentment and annoyance may settle in the soul. Even if this feeling is short-lived, it can still leave an unpleasant mark on your relationship.
To prevent parent-child relationships from being damaged, make it a rule to think only about the merits of your son or daughter. Believe me, they are in every person. If you have a fight, don’t curse the child, but re-read the list of advantages. By the way, it’s nice if an adult child also has such a list. It's good for your relationships.
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Give them the opportunity to take care of themselves
Worrying calls from your parents and treating you like a child (“Are you sure you packed your suitcase and put everything you need?”) can be annoying, and that’s normal. However, you should not give free rein to your emotions. The phrase about the fact that children remain children for parents at any age is a fact. In this way, they not only show their love, but also give themselves the opportunity to feel their strength and importance. Of course, you shouldn’t allow them to cross certain reasonable boundaries of your personal life, but you also shouldn’t deny them the opportunity to take care of you at least a little.
The child can make his own choice, accept it
At any age, a child is an individual, and as he grows up, he also becomes independent. Learn to admit this and calmly accept the fact that an adult can make mistakes, think differently than you, and act as he sees fit, and not as is right.
If you don’t want to ruin your relationship with your adult son or daughter, don’t criticize his opinions, choices and actions. As a child, you could scold and explain: “It’s wrong to do this.” Now before you is an adult with his own views on life, he perceives any criticism with hostility.
Forget about any criticism - rather look for what he does well in your child, highlight his best qualities. This will not only strengthen your parental authority in his eyes, but also make him more confident - parental support often plays an important role in the success of children.
Recommendations for reconciliation of “warring” parties
In an attempt to correct the situation between grown children and parents, it is important to take into account the features of reconciliation. By adhering to the following recommendations, the result will definitely meet your expectations:
Find common ground - play sports, collect rare coins, get carried away by watching movies together. Create situations in which your communication is an inevitable occurrence. If you are in line to see a doctor, then even the most offended child will want to “exchange” 2-3 phrases. Correct mistakes in upbringing or behavior that you really regret making. The “warring” side will definitely appreciate the scale of reconciliation by moving towards it. Reinforce communication with positive memories, gradually forgetting about the negative “stamps” of the past. Be patient, because the process of reconciliation involves people with formed characters, worldviews and habits. Building relationships based on the principle of equality is an inappropriate solution. Parents a priori must have a certain authority in the minds of even a grown child. The first step is especially difficult, so you can take a similar action by writing a letter. You can refuse communication, but interest will not allow you to leave the message unread. In the process of reconciliation, children are advised to take into account the age of their parents, being lenient towards this factor. Support the “warring” side in a controversial issue at the round table, showing your favor. If a conflict is brewing during communication, then try to “cool down” your own ardor by preventing a quarrel with your loved one.
The relationship between adult children and their parents is a complicated story, the nuances of which are known only to its participants. Neither the child, nor the mother, nor the father will ever notify the environment about the intimate moments of the family hearth, so the services of a psychologist in such situations turn out to be meaningless.
It is important for children to remember how much pranks and pranks their parents had to endure in order to raise a healthy and successful personality. Imbued with touching emotions, go for a conversation with the people closest to you in your life.
Help from a psychologist
Professional psychologists have methods and techniques for working through such negative experiences in parent-child relationships. They will help you:
- overcome resentment, anger, guilt;
- form effective models of interaction with parents;
- gain self-confidence;
- get rid of fears and negative parental attitudes;
- feel freedom from painful experiences;
- establish relationships with others;
- get rid of a repeating family scenario;
- increase self-esteem;
- start thinking positively;
- find an inner resource;
- minimize mental discomfort.
“Our grandmother is a brawler”
This is the letter that came to the editor: “I want to raise a topic related to domestic tyranny in the family, talk about my grandmother and ask for advice - how to live with an insane person under the same roof? Traces of beatings and rape can be witnessed and taken to the police, but where are the traces in the souls of people from threats, insults and swearing? There are three of us living - me, my mother and grandmother. She is 85 years old. Her arsenal includes malicious nagging and curses, threats to leave us, to deprive us of our help and will. Apparently, pride and selfishness, intolerance towards others and low intelligence take their toll. We live in terror of new scandals. Just please don’t say my name.”
The first thing that catches your eye in the letter is the author’s disrespect, anger, and irritability towards a loved one. The second important point: the author names the human qualities of the grandmother - complacency, contempt. But this means that these are precisely the traits that are present in the author, because we see in others only those qualities that we have in ourselves. If we do not possess certain qualities, then we do not see these qualities in others! Adults write that the old woman wants to deprive them of their apartment, pension, etc. So, in fact, they are using it all. Question: whose apartment and pension?
If life is unbearable under the same roof as an elderly person, do not live together! Rent an apartment.
And you can look after and take care of your grandmother from a distance - you can come yourself or hire a nurse. Otherwise, a strange situation arises - people complain, accuse the old woman of all mortal sins, but continue to live with her in her apartment. Without changing anything!
What questions are asked most often?
Here are some of the common concerns that adult children voice when talking about their parents:
- they didn't like me
- father or mother “were cold to me”
- brother or sister “loved more than me”
- I was constantly compared to other children, they said that they were better than me
- I was told that I looked like a relative that many family members did not like
- I was often undeservedly punished
- they were unfair to me
- It was drilled into my head that I needed to be obedient
- I was forbidden to do what I liked, to be friends with those with whom I wanted to be friends. Simply because the parents didn’t like it for some reason. Moreover, they can’t even explain to me now why they banned it
- I was constantly accused
- I was told that I don't deserve to be treated well
