The way we tend to be attached to another person has a big impact on how we choose our life partner, the further development of our relationship with him or her and, unfortunately, how that relationship ultimately ends.
It is important to understand what type of attachment is most typical for you in order to recognize your strengths and weaknesses in relationships.
The pattern of attachment that characterizes you is formed throughout your life - its beginning and foundations are laid in childhood.
In adulthood, this pattern operates and shapes your relationships with other people and influences how you react and how your needs are met.
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It's important to understand this pattern so you can know how and why you behave in certain situations and see where you need to improve.
Books about relationships with your loved one
Actively Searching, Aziz Ansari, Eric Klinenberg
The joint work of the famous comedian Aziz Ansari and sociologist Eric Klinenberg on the topic of the search for happiness resulted in this study. The result is a non-boring instruction for those who are looking for love and want to learn more about relationships in the modern world.
The Paradox of Passion, Dean Delis, Cassandra Phillips
A classic book on relationship psychology that will help bring back romance and former passion. The authors, a clinical psychologist and writer, explain why disharmony occurs, how it interferes with partners, and what to do to create a union of equal and loving people.
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"Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson
Sue Johnson is a professor of clinical psychology and a specialist in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). From the book you will learn about the basic principles of this technique, which will help develop communication skills within a couple.
Seven dialogues detail the critical moments those who build relationships experience and the lessons to be learned from crises.
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"Forget about love!", Michael Bennett, Sarah Bennett
Chartered psychologist Michael Bennett and screenwriter Sarah Bennett invite us to stop searching for love and passion. Instead, try to find a person who will help develop your best qualities. And this is where all the tricks of professional headhunting come in handy.
The book presents working methods, as well as interesting examples from practice.
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"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood
Relationships between a man and a woman most often develop according to one scenario: it is the woman who is codependent, while the man runs headlong from a sincere rapprochement with his partner.
Robin Norwood's book "Women Who Love Too Much" has, in fact, already become a cult classic. It is written for girls who constantly get stuck in relationships that bring them suffering.
Why does a woman feel guilty, “not the same,” as if she constantly needs to improve something about herself? Why does she tend to choose cold and cruel men as her partners?
Why does she need to remake and save her partner, and what does childhood have to do with it?
The book gives answers and can truly change the attitude of women who are hungry for love and normal human warmth.
Books about family relationships
“Don't yell at the children! How to resolve conflicts with children and make them listen to you”, Daniele Novara
In intrafamily relationships, it is difficult to avoid conflicts, after which alienation may arise. Psychologist Daniele Novara tells us how to learn to cope with such situations correctly.
The practical advice given in the book will help, in particular, to improve relationships with teenagers and teach them to control themselves in moments when patience is running out.
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“How to Help Your Child Grow Up,” Robert Winston, Laverne Antrobus, Teresa Day and others
The child is growing, and this process causes panic in many parents. This beautifully illustrated book contains a detailed description of the stages of a child's growing up, compiled by famous psychologists and teachers.
And it will become an indispensable tool for those who do not know where to start a dialogue with a teenager and how to discuss difficult topics.
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"The Emotional Intelligence of a Child" by John Gottman
John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, has been studying couples with children for more than 40 years and knows how important it is to learn to understand a child's emotions.
The methods described in the book for developing a child’s emotional intelligence will help parents maintain friendly relations with him, and will also teach him how to cope with difficult situations.
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Let Them Go by Julie Lythcott-Haims
Great love and fear for children hinders both parents and growing individuals. Author, TED speaker and mother of two teenagers, has worked with young people aged 17–20 for 10 years.
Julie Lythcott-Haims has seen time and again how helicopter parents deprive teenagers of the opportunity to fully grow up. And therefore he offers alternative methods of education. Their use will give parents peace of mind and children freedom.
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"Act like a woman, think like a man" Steve Harvey
Comedian, writer and actor Steve Harvey has been entertaining the American public for quite a long time with his subtle and incredibly funny sketches about the relationship between a man and a woman.
Moreover, he is a born psychologist! His advice is very effective and his observations are accurate.
What is the mentality of a man and the logic of a woman? Why should the fair half of humanity master the art of transforming into a man, and why should representatives of the opposite sex understand how their partner lives?
The book contains a lot of practical things: about the stages of relationships between a man and a woman, and about the peculiarities of the worldview of representatives of different genders.
The main thesis of the male writer: our love is not like yours.
Books about relationships with others
"On the Same Wavelength", Amy Banks, Lee Hirschman
Neuroscience is our key to perfect relationships and achieving your full potential. The authors of the best-selling book, psychiatrist Amy Banks and writer Lee Hirschman, are convinced of this.
They talk about four important neural pathways that directly influence our relationships with other people. The practical recommendations given in the book will help you gain peace of mind and self-confidence.
“It’s okay to manage your boss,” Bruce Tulgan
Bruce Tulgan, an award-winning leadership and management expert, provides a step-by-step plan for improving your relationship with your boss. After all, a leader can and even needs to be managed for effective teamwork.
The book will help solve many typical problems that arise in organizations of any level.
"The Habit of Working Together" by Twyla Tharp
World-famous American choreographer Twyla Tharp shares her own experience of successful communication with people. Using many examples from various fields of activity, he shows how to build relationships and work in different conditions. The author also reveals the secrets of successful interaction with toxic partners.
“Don't growl at the dog! A book about training people, animals and yourself by Karen Pryor
How can you get your kids to do their homework on their own, teach your husband to put his socks in the basket, and get a bonus at work every quarter? Karen Pryor, a scientist and training specialist, has the answers.
The book presents original exercises with which everyone can change their relationships with others. Other advantages of the bestseller include easy language and clear examples.
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“The science of communication. How to Read Emotions, Understand Intentions, and Connect with People by Vanessa van Edwards
Vanessa van Edwards writes books, conducts trainings and studies people's actions. She knows exactly what principles of our behavior help or hinder us from feeling confident with others.
The author gives effective advice for every day: how to start a conversation at a party, how to find a common language with colleagues, how to communicate with bosses and loved ones.
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“Say no first. Secrets of Professional Negotiators by Jim Camp
Jim Camp created his own system of effective negotiations, which is now successfully used by thousands of people around the world. He knows exactly how to say “no” correctly so that others do what you want them to do.
The author will also tell you how to negotiate in order to achieve your goals and resist the manipulations of your interlocutors.
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“What French Women Are Silent About,” Debra Olivier
American journalist Debra Olivier married a French man, moved to France and was amazed. Why? The ability of French women to enjoy every minute and the simplicity of relationships and life.
Debra decided to explore their secrets. In her opinion, every woman lives such a light and charismatic Frenchwoman, and every man can become, with the right approach, the heroes of her novel.
The journalist points out that in French there is no expression “opposite sex.”
Maybe this is the secret of the attractiveness of French women - that they do not consider men to be some kind of alien creatures?
Olivier explores American and French culture, trying to understand all the secrets of love and sex in French.
Books about relationships with yourself
"Make an Agreement with Yourself... and Other Worthy Opponents" by William Ury
In life, we are often hindered by our own reactions to certain emotions. William Ury, co-founder of the Harvard Negotiation Project, gives working methods for reaching compromises with yourself. Possession of these skills will help eliminate internal conflict and improve interactions with other people.
"Nobody Understands Me" by Heidi Grant Halvorson
Happiness is when you are understood. But often we misinterpret other people's reactions and mistakenly decide that no one is interested in us. Social psychologist and motivational expert Heidi Grant Halvorson shares her secrets to living a successful life and how to change your body's signals to improve the attitudes of others.
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"Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman
The famous American psychologist and scientific journalist Daniel Goleman is sure that our emotions are much more important than we think. The one who knows how to manage them achieves more in life and often becomes more successful than the one who follows the lead of sadness, anger and fear.
The author's practical advice, examples from his life and stories of famous people will help you change yourself.
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"How to Talk to Anyone" by Mark Rhodes
Entrepreneur and business coach Mark Rhodes shares his wealth of experience working with a wide variety of people. He is convinced that it is normal to feel afraid of communicating with others. And it turns out that this fear is quite easy to overcome if you know some tricks.
The author of the book will teach you how to cope with difficult situations and talk anywhere with anyone.
"Escape from Intimacy" by Berry and Janey Weinhold
Psychologist couple Berry and Janey Weinhold are the authors of a whole series of books about relationships between men and women. This is not just about love - the models described by the authors are characteristic of any kind of relationship.
It was the Weinholds who popularized the psychological concepts of codependency and counterdependence. What it is?
A dependent person “hangs” on a partner, controls him, sorts things out, blames him, shames him. Codependent people are very afraid that they will be abandoned, so they tend to cling to the object of their affection with a death grip.
Counterdependency is the complete opposite model. Such a person is not afraid of being abandoned, he is afraid to approach. He is detached, absorbed in himself and not in others, it seems as if he does not need relationships at all.
At the same time, it is counterdependents who most often look like self-confident and charismatic people, which is why codependents are so often drawn to them, as if trying to find the missing support in them.
Codependent and counterdependent are a sweet couple, they can’t live without each other!
It is about these relationships that they say: “Together it’s bad, but apart it’s even worse.” At the same time, partners in such relationships cannot truly be close to each other.
Berry and Janay Weinhold see a third way out: interdependence, that is, recognition of the need for another, but at the same time the ability to satisfy one's needs independently.
This is the kind of mature relationship we should strive for.
Books about unhealthy relationships
“Assertiveness. Have your say. Say no. Set boundaries. "Get Control" by Patrick King
Patrick King, author of books and business coach, teaches how to competently defend your interests and protect your boundaries. And this is a real practical guide for those who suffer from chronic forms of their own helpfulness.
The author also offers readers a unique 27-day plan for emergency strengthening of their own borders.
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"It's Complicated" by Harriet Lerner
Resentment, despair, anger - these emotions poison the life of a couple. Doctor of Philosophy and psychotherapist Harriet Lerner explains how to regain happiness and enjoy communication. Her advice will help you gain wisdom and self-confidence.
With the help of the author, you will also understand why it is so important to be able to hear and listen and what our loved ones really want from us.
Attachment avoidance model
People in this pattern tend to distance themselves emotionally from their partner. They often try to take a step back to feel “pseudo-independent” and take care of themselves.
“Pseudo-dependency” is actually an illusion because connection is necessary for every person, but this truth is categorically denied by the avoidance-attachment model. Because they deny the importance of having a loved one, it is easy for them to distance themselves from him or her.
Often these people have many elements of self-defense; they can emotionally “close themselves,” “turn off” their feelings and not react at all even to the most heated emotional situations.
If their partner gets angry and says he's leaving, all you'll hear is, "It doesn't matter to me."
“On emotions. How to Resolve the Most Painful Conflicts by Daniel Shapiro
Psychologist, sociologist and negotiator Daniel Shapiro has created an applied manual for resolving conflict situations.
This book is not only about the relationship between a man and a woman, it touches on a much wider range of problems - from everyday quarrels between spouses to conflicts at the level of corporations and even states.
Don’t be fooled by the title: “On Emotions.” Here this word does not carry any negative meaning. An experienced psychologist, Shapiro understands that it is useless to fight emotions. It is important to recognize them, and, accordingly, to manage them.
The psychology of relationships is tied to conflict management, the ability to resolve both personal and ideological disputes. And Shapiro’s book literally gives step-by-step instructions.
“The Japanese Art of Dialogue Without Quarrels”, Tatsunari Iota
The psychology of relationships between men and women in Japan is special, with centuries-old traditions. It is with her that the Japanese author Tatsunari Iota introduces us.
But in his book there is, in fact, nothing specifically “Japanese”, only universal wisdom.
For example, why do we fight? Yes, because we are not telepaths, and we need to express our needs out loud! In total, Iota identified 36 main sources of gender conflict.
And for each type, he developed phrases that could extinguish the flames of an incipient quarrel and restore harmony and love to the couple.
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