Domestic violence is a problem that is much larger than many realize. Official statistics show that every fifth woman in Russia is subjected to domestic violence. We tell you how to deal with this.
Alena Tretyakova, family psychologist
In our country, the situation is complicated by the fact that Russian legislation does not yet have the concept of “domestic violence”. And according to existing laws, it is possible to bring an aggressor to justice only if the victim received serious bodily injuries. Everything else is not considered a crime and does not require any measures.
The situation is even more complicated because even in cases of physical injury, victims of violence rarely seek help, much less bring the case to court.
By definition, if a person has shown aggression two or more times, we can talk about domestic violence. This is a very important point: if a conflict occurred once, perhaps under the influence of some serious circumstances, then there is reason to believe that the situation will not happen again. However, if it is repeated a second time, then this indicates a person’s propensity for such behavior and immediately turns into violence. Please note again: twice is enough.
Story 1
Olya married for great love.
Igor seemed like the ideal man: he earned good money, was athletic, and attentive. He proposed to her two months after she moved in with him. And everything promised great happiness, if not for one episode, which, no matter how Olga tried to forget it, remained that very fly in the ointment. It all started with small reproaches and increased interest in which of the men the girl was communicating with. She didn’t give reasons, but since she worked in a male team, it wasn’t difficult to find them if she wanted. Then there was a restaurant where, as it seemed to Igor, she was too kind to the waiter. At home, he made a scandal, accusing her of inappropriate behavior, and eventually hit her.
Then he went to bed, and in the morning he apologized for a long time and swore that this was a big mistake that he would not repeat. Olga believed. But the mistake was repeated right after the wedding, where she talked for too long with the witness, and then on her honeymoon... And after... And every time there were vows and promises in which she believed...
Relationships in a family where violence occurs develop according to a strictly defined cycle:
1)
The man escalates the situation. There are unfounded quibbles, accusations, most often groundless, constant criticism. The phase can last for a long time, as women often try to calmly respond and defuse the situation, mistakenly hoping to reduce the outbreak of violence.
2)
Direct violence. Lasts for a certain period of time from 2 to 24 hours. The tension accumulated in the previous stage finds a way out, and intense discharge occurs. The man falls into uncontrollable fits of anger. Moreover, this can be a single long episode or a series of attacks.
3)
Reconciliation. After violence there always comes a period of great love. The offender becomes affectionate and attentive, tearfully asks for forgiveness, desperately swears that this will not happen again. Women believe in this, reset the previous stages in their memory and live in a fairy tale until the transition to the next round of the cycle occurs.
Further relationships occur in a vicious circle: nagging, prohibitions, violence and again impeccable behavior.
Mom manipulates me: typical situations and ways to resolve them
So, do you feel like you've unwittingly become a victim of your own mom? She constantly interferes in your life. And if the role of “honorary donor” is not to your liking, you can try to restore balance in your relationship. But first, let's try to figure out why mom behaves this way.
Provocative situations
Here are a few typical situations that changed my mother’s life and could provoke her to choose (unconsciously) the role of “victim-manipulator”. So, if mom:
● she raised you alone, but now you are physically or psychologically separated from her (got married, moved to another apartment, city, gave birth to a child, not necessarily your first child, etc.);
● left alone (due to divorce, death of a spouse, your move, etc.);
● retired, lost her job;
● got sick or lost someone close to her of the same age (and involuntarily began to classify herself as a “risk group”);
● understands that you have achieved objectively greater success than her (sometimes the success of children becomes not only a reason for pride for parents; they have the feeling that they have lived their lives in vain);
● changed her place of residence (even if she simply moved to another area, the established course of things was still disrupted, and at her age it is difficult to adapt quickly).
Psychological training: how to get rid of guilt. Guilt has nothing to do with repentance. It prevents us from sensibly assessing the situation and enjoying life. Is it possible to somehow get rid of it? Let's figure it out.
Victim and Rescuer
Finding herself in a difficult situation, mom began to involuntarily “pull the blanket” in your relationship onto herself. Don't rush into accusations. After all, most likely, you yourself were drawn into the role of “rescuer” with pleasure. And probably at first you yourself liked the fact that you understood something better than your mother (how to call a plumber, choose wallpaper, etc.). This omnipotence pleased your vanity.
Try to look at yourself from the outside. Maybe when your mother was left alone (for example, after the death of her husband), you yourself tied your life and hers in a tight knot (you probably said: “I’m all she has left!”)? And thus “cut off” her from those people (friends) and opportunities (hobbies) that she could switch to.
Or maybe you all the time, as best friends, shared your most secret things, went on vacation together. And now you have pushed your mother to the “backyards of your life”: they say, “I have no time, I have children/I work/I’m married...”, etc.).
In this way, you seem to demonstrate to your mother her “second-class status” (“You don’t understand that others, unlike you, have plenty of worries”), uselessness. Your new environment (husband/friends/boss) “sets you up” against your own mother: “It’s time to be a big girl, separate yourself and call your mom less often,” “Your mother is not from our circle,” etc. Perhaps you are trying to win over , for example, your husband's family? And now you live under their dictation... But this is a relationship between only the two of you: you and your mother. And even if they are right in some way (indeed, it’s time to become a big girl), you should not take their words as the ultimate truth. You have only one mother and she will not last forever. Remember this.
Take it into service
To improve your relationship, you need to work on yourself, look at your relationship from the outside (keep in mind that the opinion of friends and your spouse is not always objective). And adopt a few simple effective techniques:
✓ Do not spare words of love
Say more often: “mummy”, “mommy”. Compliments, words of gratitude and the phrase “I love you” work wonders. Although at first the mother may even show aggression: “Why are you sucking up? What do you want from me?"
And then she will feel that you value her not in words, but that you love her with all your heart - sincerely. Just use your entire arsenal of kind words not immediately, but gradually.
✓ Take the initiative
If you wait a long time for something or persuade someone for a long time, then such a long-awaited result usually does not bring joy. Rather, what remains in your memory is the “torment” that you had to go through in order to finally beg for what you wanted. Now put mom in her place. Surely there are things that she has long wanted to ask you to do. Try to “predict” her desires. And make her dream come true.
✓ Convert quantity into quality
Let's say you can no longer devote as much time to your mother as before. Try to make your communication better and more emotionally rich. There is no need to call her pro forma to “report back.” It’s better to ask her about something that is meaningful to her - even if it’s her favorite TV series or planting roses in the country.
✓ Different people - different opinions
Your opinions may not coincide. Therefore, when your mother tells you what to do and how to do it, thank her for her advice.
Important! Don’t use phrases like “Yes, but...” and “I’ll do it differently/my way.” Otherwise, you will oppose yourself to your mother. And she, most likely, will actively insist that she is right, because it is important for her to feel her importance. It’s better to just say: “Mom, I understand your position and I’ll do it this way...” With these words you will balance your opinions and take responsibility for your decision.
✓ Right of refusal
You have every right not to fulfill your mother's requests. But if the matter is important to her, together with her come up with ways to solve it (postpone for a convenient time/find another assistant, etc.).
Break contact! If you feel that a conflict is brewing, try to physically get away from it (go to another room, end a telephone conversation, etc.). Typical situation: mom criticizes your husband. You defend him, argue with your mother. But you just need to say: “Mom, do you want to talk to me or about my husband? I don't want to discuss it. I want to talk to you. You want this too, don't you? Lets change theme!"
Give mom the opportunity to realize herself. Mom still has the strength and desire to take care of someone. This makes her life meaningful, brings satisfaction and joy. And it costs you nothing to give her a chance to realize her desires. How?
Consult her on various everyday issues. Ask for a recipe for a family dish, for example. Or have a heart-to-heart talk about something important to you: even if it’s just thoughts about changing jobs or caring for a child. Even if you solve all the problems yourself, such a conversation will give your mother a chance to take part in your life.
✓ Find a hobby
Let's say my mother retired or divorced her husband. Now she has a lot of free time. Try to come up with something interesting for her to do. In her youth, did she take photographs, hike in the mountains, paint, grow flowers in the garden? Offer her a new activity she likes, help her take the first step. For example, buy rose bushes for your dacha. Or sign her up for a computer literacy course. Create her a page on social networks. Support your mom in her new business. Celebrate all her achievements.
Do not doubt: if you follow our advice, you can save both your mother and yourself. And peace and harmony will return to your life again.
Typical situations and ways to solve them
1 Daughter, give me money!
Mom always demands money, but spends it thoughtlessly: not on food, housing and communal services, but distributes it to “the needy”, buys “unnecessary things”...
Do not give money to your mother and do all the shopping yourself.
It is best to divide the amount of money into two parts: give one to your mother (so that she can freely dispose of it), and the second pay the necessary minimum of her expenses (medicines, groceries, etc.).
2 Emotional blackmail
Mom emotionally blackmails you, playing on your feelings of guilt: “I raised you / quit my job for you / I didn’t get married for you / I worked three jobs to get you on your feet...”.
Tell her: “I didn’t ask to give birth,” “I didn’t need all this,” or “And others somehow managed too and nothing.”
If your mother expects signs of gratitude from you, then praise her. Set her up to the fact that she can “move mountains” even now. Feeling your support, mom will “spread her wings” and direct her energy in a peaceful direction.
3 Your advice is your fault
Mom constantly asks for your advice on what to do in a given situation. For example, which curtains to choose? Or what TV to buy? And if she is not satisfied with the result (and this is almost always!), she makes claims against you (“After all, you advised it”).
Give direct advice or refuse to answer because “I’ll blame you again.”
If your mother demands a ready-made decision from you, say: “I have no right to decide for you, let’s consider all the options.” Take the time and effort to discuss the situation with your mother from all sides. Talk through all the pros and cons. But give her the opportunity to make her choice.
Galina Smyslova, psychologist
What makes women stay in such relationships?
First of all, the inability to adequately assess reality.
They really believe every time that this will not happen again and live in the hope that the man will change. Each has its own reason for this belief, but most often it is the result of behavioral patterns taken from the parental family.
The longer a woman stays in such a relationship, the more her mental health suffers. Self-esteem decreases, self-confidence disappears, the situation seems insoluble. Under constant pressure, she begins to come to terms with the idea that “no one else will need her,” “she will be lost without her husband,” “she should be grateful to her husband for living with her at all,” and so on.
The most dangerous stage begins when a woman takes responsibility for the abuse. “I provoked it myself” is the point after which we can talk about the impossibility of coping with the problem on our own.
Mom manipulates her daughter or son
Wanting adult children to continue to obey her in everything, a mother can manipulate money, apartment, and health.
It is especially difficult for people for whom their mother is the authority in everything, who takes into account her every word and does not recognize that she is also a living person and may be wrong.
The simplest way a parent can influence a child is the financial side. For example, a mother supports her daughter or son in the decision to enroll in a certain university, backing this up with financial incentives.
In addition, an adult mother often manipulates her health. If a child does something wrong, then her blood pressure immediately rises, it hurts in her chest, it pinches under her ribs, and so on ad infinitum.
Story 2
When Oleg came home drunk, Sonya knew that she had to be very careful and choose every word.
Sometimes she was able to get him to sleep peacefully. But most often it all ended with accusations against her that she was ungrateful, did not appreciate him and did not know how to do anything in this life. The reason was under-salted cutlets, a mop that prevented him from passing, and even a look that might seem too provocative to him. And then more often than not he raised his hand to her. Several times she tried to share this with someone she knew, but everyone knew Oleg as a wonderful person and had a hard time believing that he was capable of such a thing. And even her own mother once said: “Maybe you’re not acting right with him.” And Sonya began to doubt... Maybe it really was her. After all, with others he is always so cheerful and kind, but with her... And she looked for this reason, tried to please him more and more, but every time a new reason appeared that provoked him. And she blamed herself for not being able to do what was necessary and again angering him.
Often those men who do not show aggression in society are prone to domestic violence.
Therefore, it is difficult for a woman to find support and understanding of the problem among her friends. They often face judgment, which makes their situation even more difficult - they desperately need help, but they cannot ask for it. And over time, they themselves lose understanding that they are in trouble.
The most important step towards solving this problem is a realistic assessment of the situation. It is possible to cope with this only if a woman finds the strength to admit that such a man’s behavior is not normal, and most importantly, can be extremely dangerous for her. And with this awareness, go look for help. Help in order to feel safe, to understand that the situation is not hopeless, and most importantly, to find the courage to find ways out and use them.
The problem is complex and, as a rule, affects many levels of the individual, so in most cases it is impossible to cope on your own, and the support of specialists is required.
Five Ways Parents Manipulate Their Adult Children
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Children of narcissistic parents become victims of emotional abuse early on. Narcissistic moms and dads lack empathy, tend to exploit children for their own interests, and rarely change their behavior. They have a whole arsenal of psychological pressure tools at their disposal - bullying, intimidation, obsessive control, insults and threats.
Trauma experienced in childhood leads to severe consequences in adulthood - low self-esteem, depression, tendency to self-harm and suicide, alcohol and drug addiction, attachment problems, post-traumatic stress syndrome and other disorders characteristic of children exposed to physical and sexual abuse.
If grown children maintain relationships with narcissistic parents, they remain an object of manipulation for many years. But the difference is that as an adult, you can use mature and constructive defenses to stand up for yourself and set boundaries in your relationships.
What manipulative tactics do parents use to control their adult children?
Emotional blackmail.
It seems to you that mom or dad is making a request to you, but in fact it is a strict requirement. If you answer no, you will be pressured and threatened with unpleasant consequences to force you to comply. If you still resist, you will be punished with threats, silence, sarcastic comments, or a fit of rage.
Situation: Your narcissistic mother invites you over for the weekend. Relatives will gather, and everyone wants to see you. Knowing her cruelty and peremptory nature, you say that you cannot come because you already have an important meeting. Instead of respecting your wishes, your mother tells you that you are an ungrateful daughter for neglecting your family. You say a definitive “no,” your mother hangs up and doesn’t answer your calls for several weeks.
What to do in this situation? Respect your rights and boundaries. You have the right to say “no” to any invitation or request, especially from those who treat you poorly. You must protect yourself and those around you who are affected by your parents' toxic behavior. You don't have to endure icy silence or fits of rage. Your mother can react as she pleases, but from a distance. Do not answer calls or messages if they are offensive. Don't meet in person to "talk things out." Your refusal is not subject to negotiation.
The guilt trap.
Narcissistic parents rely on three main components in their manipulations - fear, obligation and guilt. This is enough to make you fulfill their desires, even at the expense of your own needs.
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Situation: Your narcissistic father does not like that you are not married and have no children. He constantly tells you that he wants to babysit his grandchildren, and your clock is ticking. When you say that you prefer loneliness, he attacks you in rage and despair: “So I’ll die without waiting for my grandchildren? I'm getting old and losing strength every day. I don't want to die knowing that my daughter never started a family. So you're paying me for everything I've done for you? What will people think when they see that you are still alone? You are a disgrace to the family!
How to proceed? Notice the guilt and shame that arises in you, realize that they do not belong to you, and your father is trying to trap you in guilt. Ask yourself if you have reasons to feel guilty. Did you intentionally harm your father or are you simply doing what every person has the right to do: live your life as you see fit? You have the right to your choice, even if toxic parents don't agree with it. You don't have to explain to anyone your decisions about your career, your love life, or whether or not you want to have children.
Shame.
Narcissistic parents shame their children to humiliate them further. This is an effective control tool because when someone feels damaged or inferior, it is easier to control them.
Situation: A narcissistic father is unhappy with your career choice and loudly shames you when the whole family gathers. Even if you have achieved success and financial stability, he continues to find fault with you because you chose a different career than the one predicted for you. Your father criticizes your ability to provide for your family and argues that you cannot be a role model for your own children.
What to do? Recognize that you react emotionally when your parents shame you, and that this is caused by past experiences. Notice when you regress to a childlike state of powerlessness so that you don't react the way you used to. Let your parents know that you don't feel ashamed, and if they continue to behave this way, you will see each other much less often. Realize that this shame does not belong to you. Remind yourself that you are an adult and have achieved a lot. You should be proud of your successes, not ashamed of yourself!
See also :
Negative comparisons.
Narcissistic parents love to compare you to your siblings or peers in order to put you down. They want scapegoated children to compete for their approval and attention, feeling worthless and unworthy.
Situation: Your narcissistic mother calls you with news about your cousin: “She just graduated with honors from medical school and is getting married next month! What a clever girl! What are you doing with your life?
How should you behave? Don't give in to petty comparisons, realize that this is just another way for them to put you down. Change the topic or find an excuse to end the conversation if your mother continues to talk negatively about you and make insulting remarks. Resist the urge to make excuses or “explain everything.”
Don't waste your energy showing off your accomplishments to people who don't want to acknowledge them. Communicate with those who are happy about your victories. Make a list of everything you are proud of. Remind yourself that you don't need to compare yourself to others to feel happy and successful.
Gaslighting.
This is an insidious weapon in the hands of a narcissistic parent. It allows you to distort reality and deny episodes of violence by blaming you.
Situation: Your narcissistic dad left you a dozen abusive voicemails late one night when you refused to do what he asked. Even though you explained why you couldn't do it, he continued to harass you over the phone. The next day you call to discuss his behavior, but the father replies: “You're making a big deal out of a molehill. I only called you once last night. Your imagination has run wild!”
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Psychological violence, recovery from abusers and narcissists, breaking up with an abuser, changing abusive behavior, self-esteem, the “no longer a victim” program, relationships, loss of meaning, nice (comfortable) person syndrome, age-related crises, existential problems, loneliness, relationships “adult children” – parents,” and more...
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How to proceed? Those who were gaslighted as children often doubt themselves as adults. Notice when a narcissistic parent's lies don't match reality. If you experience violence or threats, document what happened. Work through your childhood traumas with a therapist to find out what you really felt, rather than blindly accepting your toxic parent's version of events.
Act according to your emotions, not what the abuser says. The more you resist, the more likely you are to protect yourself and avoid exploitation.
The main thing: remember, you should not tolerate other people's abusive behavior, even if you share the same DNA.
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This is a blog on psychology from a professional psychologist, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Zoom About us/Make an appointment
Latest materials: (See all)
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The mother does not let go of her adult son, she manipulates him. What to do?
Anna, what prospect attracts you, what is a desirable prospect for you (considering that you don’t want to get married or have children), and do you already have a love relationship?
The desired prospect for me is the beginning and further living together with the martyr. For me, family is not a stamp in a passport and children. A family can consist of two people who love each other and are comfortable with each other, this is purely my opinion. Yes, I have romantic relationships, but now they are more like the relationship of two teenagers, not adults
It turns out that the only thing that doesn’t suit you is that you don’t live together all the time, but only a few days a week. And the problem is that this is not enough for you, since you cannot stand loneliness
Well, in general, yes, but given the current situation in the world, I don’t even know when we’ll see each other next, since we live on different ends of the city and it takes him about 1.5 hours to get to me by metro. So in the next week he will be at his home, and I will be at mine. “I can’t stand loneliness” - it’s said very loudly, yet when I’m alone I don’t start banging my head against the wall and sobbing furiously. It just makes me sad that I’m alone, but in a normal situation I could have been living with a guy for a long time, like most young couples. Against the background of these thoughts, a feeling of loneliness and uselessness arises. Sometimes it seems to me that he doesn’t care at all whether he’s with me or without me
But this does not mean that we are not able to be alone, to live separately, in solitude
Not every person likes to live separately and alone. This is a joy for some, and a sorrow for others. Everyone experiences life in an empty apartment differently. I can be alone and since I was a teenager I could easily be alone. Living with my parents 24/7, I even wanted to be alone sometimes, but I don’t want to live so alone all the time, I need social contact. In my family, no one lived alone during separation from their parents, not my mom and dad, not even my grandparents. All lived with their parents until they entered into a serious relationship. Why should I, being in a long-term relationship, strive to live separately and alone, all alone in an empty apartment? This fact is not clear to me.
In other words, you are running away from loneliness into a relationship.
If I ran into a relationship out of loneliness, then most likely I would already have several affairs behind me, but I don’t have them. I just love a person and want us to have a future together. Outside of relationships, I have something to do, there is something that interests me and what I do with pleasure, but what’s wrong with the fact that I want to have a happy personal life, like most people who fall in love, date, and then move in together and start living together? accommodation?
Anna, what does it mean that you are insecure? Can you give examples of how this manifests itself, how exactly you experience your uncertainty?
And how long have you been insecure? What do you think about the reasons for this uncertainty?
My insecurity can manifest itself both in relation to my own appearance and in whether I play the instrument well. As a teenager, I had more severe self-esteem issues, including bulimia and compulsive overeating. Fortunately, such serious problems are in the past and at the moment only echoes of them remain, because from time to time I can become overwhelmed and I begin to see a fat, scary freak in the mirror. Also, my insecurity concerns what I love, because I may not be sure whether I am playing well, even if other people tell me that everything is fine, I may not believe them, thinking that they are just trying to cheer me up.
Also, the topic of relationships has been quite painful for me since adolescence. During all this time, I fell in love three times and two of them were unrequited. The longest unrequited love lasted for 3 whole years, the second a little less, and I really thought that there was no such person with whom I would have mutual feelings. By the way, as you can see, I experienced the feeling of falling in love very rarely, and if I did, it was for a very long time and even realizing that my feeling would not be answered, I could not make this feeling go away. My husband was the first person with whom I had mutual sympathy, and then I couldn’t even believe that this was possible. Although our beginning of the relationship and what we have now are two big differences.
And how do you deal with your insecurities?
I try to tell myself that there’s nothing wrong with me, that I’m not ugly, that I’m not fat, and that I’m a good player. I try to see my positive sides and also praise myself for my achievements in music
Do I understand correctly that this experience of isolation arises from the lack of contact with loved ones, family, and communication with friends does not save you from it? And in order to save yourself from painful feelings, do you either go to your parents, or try to secure an “inseparable” relationship with your boyfriend?
Not certainly in that way. Communication with friends, of course, saves you and gives you positive emotions, but sometimes, after hanging out with friends, I think that an empty apartment is waiting for me and sometimes I don’t want to go there and be alone so much that I call my mom and say that I want to spend the night today they have. But sometimes it happens that I don’t mind sitting in an empty apartment, knowing that I have plans for tomorrow, or knowing that tomorrow I will meet with the martyr, but lately I’ve gotten tired of his visits, knowing that they are only for a couple of days. In general, when how
Before that, I wrote here from my phone and perhaps I did not quite correctly express my feeling of loneliness. I can’t call it painful, but it’s still not very pleasant.
Well, tell us more about your family with your parents. What are your parents like? What is your relationship with them? What is their attitude towards you? Are they cold or warm, caring or not so caring? What kind of relationship do mom and dad have with each other? Do you know if they have or have had relationship problems?
My parents are kind, good people and I love them very much. I have a good relationship with them, but I’m still closer to my mom than to my dad. I have built a close, trusting relationship with my mother, I can tell her about anything and can always ask her for advice. The relationship with dad is a little different. When I was a child, my dad didn’t take much part in my upbringing, due to being busy at work, and also being very young and not getting enough exercise (by the way, he wasn’t getting enough exercise for a very long time). As a child who needed physical contact, I often went up to my dad and hugged him, to which I often heard that I do this because I need something, and not because I do it sincerely, because I just want hug your dad and feel protected. He could also leave my mother and me for several days in an unknown direction. One of the most painful memories of childhood is that dad, having taken an impressive dose of alcohol, is getting ready to leave, I ask, “Dad, where are you going?” ', to which he, as a rule, answered me: “I’m going to the store/stall for a short time. I'll be back soon, but he left and didn't come back. This childhood trauma has made itself felt in the current relationship. There were a couple of times when the martyr would have been forced to leave earlier, which took me by surprise and brought tears that were difficult for me to hold back. I was ashamed of him for this, but I again felt like that little girl who was abandoned by dad and went to God knows where.
The relationship between my parents is, in principle, quite complex. They have been together for more than 20 years, but all their lives they either live in peace, then fight to smithereens, right up to the supposed divorce, which still never happens (it even becomes funny when, after another quarrel, I leave one of them I hear this word because I know that in the end everything will be as usual). In the vast majority of cases, the initiator of quarrels is the father, and he is also the initiator of reconciliation. Mom used to take their quarrels quite hard, she was very nervous, and more than once in my childhood I saw her cry, it tore my heart and I didn’t know how to help her. Now she has learned to accept his departures more calmly (fortunately, they have become much less frequent, and dad stopped drinking a long time ago), but sometimes she can again begin to get very nervous, since dad is not modest in his expressions during their quarrels. I never understood why she constantly forgives him, but this is their relationship, not mine, if they feel so comfortable, then so be it, but I don’t want to repeat their experience.
In general, the relationship with my dad is my childhood trauma and I have known about it for a long time. I really missed him as a child and this fact resonates very much in my current relationship.
Although now we have a pretty good relationship, even when he quarrels with his mother, he writes or calls me, and is also interested in my affairs, but we don’t have the same level of trust and communication as with my mother, and to be honest, I don’t really need it, because dad understands me less than mom
Psychologist's advice: How to understand that your parents are manipulating you
Text: Olga Miloradova
In the process of growing up, we were all influenced by someone - not only parents and teachers at school, but also friends and those who were significant to you - maybe a coach from the sports section, or maybe a high school student from the next door. But still, let’s say your significant “other” was precisely your parent. If we talk about the manipulations being carried out towards you today, then, most likely, they did not suddenly arise out of nowhere when you suddenly grew up, and your parents grew old and began to pull your strings, ask for something, cry and manipulate you. You have been prepared for them your entire adult life, the ground has been created, and everything is much more complicated than it seems.
Real parental manipulations are not so easy to recognize, because you and they have become one
For example, you see “manipulation”, which you immediately cunningly stop: you would like to go with your child to Italy, but your mother says “no” and demands to bring him to her village (city, country or somewhere else). This is most likely not manipulation, but your mother’s real desire to see her grandson, accompanied by organic senile changes in the form of touchiness and tearfulness. And yes, in the end you will upset not a cunning, insidious plan, but your mother. You don’t recognize real parental manipulations so easily, if only because you and them have essentially merged into a single whole. Confronting them and defending your personality and desires can be very difficult. It’s worth starting by understanding the possible types of manipulation, or, rather, the types of programs on which you were raised and thanks to which you are pulled in one direction or another, and in the end, that same manipulation is so easily possible. Perhaps in one of the described patterns you will recognize yourself and your parents and understand why some things are so difficult for you.
The first two programs are diametrically opposed to each other. One is aimed at ensuring that you remain Peter Pan forever and never grow up, while the other, on the contrary, deprives you of childhood and puts all the “joys” of responsibility on you. The Peter Pan program creates in you a person who always needs an adult to be nearby - it’s clear what kind of manipulation is possible here: you are not smart enough, independent and responsible enough to make any decisions, so your parents are always right, or the one who is right is right. who will take on the role of parent in the future. What to do? Trying to regain the right to vote, take responsibility. The main pitfalls here and below are that, in fact, you will never change your parents and, most likely, they will continue to accompany all your actions with comments that nothing will work out for you. You need to strive to “not give in,” to remain equanimous and confidently do what you want. However, confidence is the first thing that any manipulation hits, and it can be very difficult not to pay attention to what people close to you tell you. But if you realize that they are trying to manipulate you, this is the first step towards coping with the situation.
The second program - the eternally responsible one - in terms of manipulation is not so far from the first. Despite your super-maturity, or rather, thanks to the ban on being a child, you have not particularly explored the world both outside and inside, you do not know and do not understand where your own desires and values are, and are ready to lay down bones just to help others . In the end, the same thing happens: all the work is done, the potatoes are planted at the dacha, the parents are happy. What should you do? Trying to find the inner child, make friends with him, heal him. Until this happens, unfortunately, little will change, and you will play a superhero until your last strength and remnants of health. Try to listen to your desires, analyze what you really want and what is important to you, increase your awareness of what you are doing - and do not be afraid to seek help from a specialist if necessary.
Next on the list is the ban on being yourself. The girl Masha studies better, the girl Sasha is more graceful, and the boy Kirill helps his mother take care of his younger sister - not like you. This program has the following room for manipulation: you do not understand what is good for you and what is the meaning of life, not to mention the fact that you think that you are not good enough - but, as always, your parent knows everything. Who to work for, who to marry, when to take mom to the opera and dad to the theater. In a word, this is a program for living someone else’s life, or the life that your parent dreamed of, but never lived, and is now counting on you. Careful and painstaking work is required to find the meanings of life - real meanings, yours, work to regain self-esteem. Analyze what guides you when making decisions - your own interests or those imposed by other scenarios: it will not be easy, but it will help you understand what is important to you and decide to follow your own path.
Study your weaknesses and don’t be fooled by provocations, remembering that arguing with your parents is a known failure.
There is also the worst program, which, in principle, makes you not want to exist and live at least some kind of life. The manipulation here is that your entire existence seems to justify the fact of the failure of your parent, who spent his whole life on you and did not become someone great. How great is the benefit of this idea for the exploiter, how deep is its destructive impact on the object of this manipulation - in fact, it is manipulation that directly leads to suicide or at least suicidal tendencies. If you have such thoughts, I strongly recommend that you consult a psychiatrist, without any attempts to figure it out on your own.
However, sometimes the latter scheme can be covered up by a love for dangerous sports and the desire to kill oneself, as if by accident, which is somewhat more difficult to understand as dislike for oneself and a reaction to someone else’s manipulations. You step on the same rake all the time: suddenly and unexpectedly it turns out that all your men are addicted to alcohol, at every new job you are suddenly burdened with much more work than others, you feel deeply and incompetent in anything , or whatever else it is that happens in circles, systematically and does not lead to any result. If you managed to discover this rake, you have already done some part of the work aimed at change.
Of course, we must not forget that in real life everything does not always work according to clearly defined programs, and moreover, there are actually much more of them than listed here. And if mom sometimes said that Masha is a better student, and dad sometimes wanted you to remain his little daughter forever, this does not mean that you have grown into a super-dependent Peter Pan, but it could still make you a little indecisive and a little insecure in yourself - with all the ensuing opportunities to manipulate you a little. In general, study your weaknesses (don’t be afraid to contact a specialist for this) and do not succumb to provocations, while not forgetting that arguing with your parents is obviously a failure.
How to get out of the tight web of a manipulative mother
I read the stories and was horrified at what an old woman I turned out to be, everyone is so young in relation to me...)) I will be 50 years old, my mother is 78 years old, and I still live under the pressure of my mother! I grew up as a quiet, literally downtrodden child; after college I went to work. I never led, as they say, an immoral lifestyle, I didn’t drink, I didn’t party, I didn’t smoke, I did housework, but my mother always tormented me with moral lectures, sawed me as she saw, and could even hit me if God forbid I snapped. It seemed that she had broken away from her, got married, and left, but that was not the case. Before the wedding, I managed to quarrel with my mother-in-law and her relatives, with my future husband. Then she imposed her will and order, I lived in someone else’s family, it was already not sweet for me there, but she only provoked scandals, I had to be between three parties - husband, mother-in-law and mother. Try not to let these two sides come into contact with it, otherwise it will be worse for me. Hurray, I managed to exchange my husband’s apartment with a huge surcharge for a small, but at least my own apartment, and return to my hometown, where my mother lived. It was my mistake, I had to change to the other end of the Moscow region, but not to her. At this point she seized control, invaded the apartment as if it were her own, did what she wanted in it, to the point that she took things apart and arranged them in my closet as she saw fit, but forbade me from rearranging them. I’ll note right away that I’m a neat person, I adore cleanliness and order, and this kind of cleaning and disassembly is like a knife in my heart. She bought it wrong, hung it wrong, dressed it wrong, cooked it wrong, and so on. Over time, we managed to reduce her visits to a minimum. I understand that no one needs her, I need to overcome myself and take care of her, but I only have enough for a call about every 3 days and a visit once every 1-2 weeks, and even then I don’t undress, I ran in and gave away some groceries and run. Even these glimpses of communication are difficult for me, I don’t know what mood she’s in at the moment, whether she’ll start clinging to me, demanding something from me again, forcing me to implement her crazy ideas. Some I can easily do, but most require enormous effort to implement, sometimes it’s like jumping in over your head. Very often, after another call or visit, I shake and cry, and don’t sleep at night. My mother believes that I owe her EVERYTHING, I must fulfill her every whim at any of her demands. I’m tired of her, each time it’s harder and harder for me to force myself to call her or come to her, more and more often after such communications they send me a three-letter sentence, because I’ve learned to say “no” to all her crazy troubles. But still, I have to be the first to take the “first step” after these insults of hers, you can’t leave her, she’s a mother... . I sometimes work 12 hours a day, without days off or holidays, I take care of the whole house, my own dacha and all the household chores. I practically now have 3 families, my own, my daughter got married, sometimes she also asks me to help with something, but unobtrusively, and my mother, but she is overly intrusive. My mother starts to get angry if I say that I don’t have time, I’m working, that I’m tired. She yells that she cares because I work, that she also worked at one time, only I remember that she slept until 11 in the morning, and we did household chores with my father, although we also worked. Now here comes her whim again, she wanted a renovation, although 12 years ago my husband and I renovated her apartment and the appearance of the apartment is still very good. Okay, I’ll bring you a master, no, do it all yourself, with your own hands, I say I don’t have the strength anymore, it’s easier for me to give money than to ruin myself. Moreover, making repairs, a few days with her under her screams are equivalent to several years of life lived. We changed the windows in her apartment three years ago, so she put on such a performance there, it frayed my and my husband’s nerves. Now, it no longer needs repairs, sell it, says my plot, and exchange my apartment for three rubles, I can’t live with these neighbors anymore. She quarreled with all the neighbors in the apartment and on her property many years ago, and now she has gone back in another circle, although they are quite adequate people, I talk to them when I meet. As if there would be no other neighbors in another house! She refused to fulfill this whim and cursed me again. Selling two properties, moving, repairs, all this will fall on my shoulders, and how much money and my nerves and strength will be required for this. The apartment will have to be decorated to suit her taste, not mine, and she will have to choose the apartment that she likes, not me. Why am I writing “to me”, because this is the same apartment as mine and my son’s, the state gave it to me and my parents for free at one time, to which I have exactly the same rights as my mother, and for which I pay monthly rent. Her plans are that we will leave our apartment to one of the children and move to live with her, that is, we will automatically become dependent on her, because we will live in her apartment, we will do what we are allowed and how we are allowed, we will cook, then , what we will be allowed, buy what we will be allowed, etc., constantly listen to her lectures, lectures, lectures or swearing. I won’t be able to bear it, much less my husband. Over the 27 years of marriage, he exchanged several phrases with her, she does not consider him to be a person, and he does not have a flattering opinion of her. And here to live with her under the same roof. My mother always thinks only about herself, as long as I can remember, she always said “I am a sick person, I need care and attention,” although even at 78 years old she is not frail, she will give a head start to anyone young. She needs a servant and a “whipping boy” to take her anger out on. I can’t share my problems, troubles with her, it will be worse for me later, she will turn it around in such a way that I wash myself with tears, I don’t even have anything to talk to her about, because she only talks about topics that concern only her, that’s all conversations come down only to solving her interests. She can, if she is in a bad mood, make a scandal out of nothing. Her standard question is “How are you doing?” my no less standard answer is “Fine”, even if things are worse for me, I still won’t tell her, I’ll just give her a reason, as it turns out, there’s no need for a reason, “Yes, what’s good about you, you’re such a cut-throat, your husband is so wasteful, your children are so separated." He barks like a dog and hangs up. I underwent two small operations, with one I was in the hospital for a little over a week, but I didn’t tell her about it, she won’t regret it, she’ll confront me about this topic, with age and the specifics of my profession, a bunch of sores have come out, and I don’t tell her about them either. She won’t regret it, she won’t understand, she thinks that I have the best life, that my childhood was generally wonderful, just think, they beat me so hard that my arms, legs and fingers were swollen, that the bruises did not go away, that I ducked under every wave of any person’s hand. That from the age of 5, until school, I lived in a locked house, did not communicate with my peers, and at school they looked at me like I was a fool, because I was downtrodden. You probably think that I was financially or somehow dependent on her? No more than all the other children, I started working at the age of 19, right after studying. My mother proudly refused money and I brought food to the house. She saved the rest of the money and did not squander it. By the time of marriage, a certain amount had accumulated; during the marriage, it was enough for a down payment on a cooperative apartment, but then there was a default, the dashing 90s. But it didn’t matter, we got over it, slowly saved up for our own dacha, then for the exchange of an apartment with a substantial surcharge, otherwise we would have had a room in a communal apartment, then for an apartment for our daughter. I’m already silent about all other financial expenses, such as cars, furniture, apartment renovations, paid education, etc. I have always worked my ass off, even now I try not to relax, my husband has a piecework, physical job, and he also tries to earn as much as he can. Everything we have, we earned ourselves! Somehow, in bitterness, I listed to her what my husband and I had earned during our life together, to which she stated that this was her merit, like, she bought it for us, I was already paralyzed by such impudence. My mother also saved up before the default, she and her mother-in-law had the opportunity to help financially with housing, they spared money for us, their money burned, just like ours in those years. Then, our parents were also in no hurry to help us, even when they had money, my mother somehow said, just give us your money and we’ll exchange our apartment for three rubles. It’s normal, I think, my husband and I have nowhere to live, we live with his relatives on a bird’s license, but she decided to expand, under the pretext of something like, this will suit you. We won’t go live with her! I never asked her for money, even when we lived from penny to penny, and this happened in life, I never counted how much money they had, they earned, they spend. But she constantly got into my wallet, how much I get, where I spend the money, even now she tries to control my spending and is very angry that she doesn’t know how much we get. All I hear is that you should only waste money, you should only spend it, but we have earned money and we spend OURS, and we are not spendthrifts, we spend on what needs to be bought now or replaced, if it concerns some old thing. We don’t go anywhere on vacation, don’t buy expensive clothes, don’t go to cafes, etc. We don’t spend money on things that our friends would spend on without thinking, and we don’t consider it a waste. I help her with food, I don’t give her money, I know she’ll hide it in a bag, but you won’t really please her with food unless you bring delicacies, which is what you have to do. True, I won’t pretend here, I used to have to resort to her help, I had to work, there were layoffs everywhere, I had to ask once every two months to sometimes pick up my daughter, then my son for a couple of days, during the holidays, not for the whole time, but for some days. She retired early, before she was 55, something didn’t work out for her at her new job (you can’t hide your character), and the old one was disbanded, she worked in the military unit as a hired worker, as a storekeeper, she was used to driving soldiers around like an ensign . But now I regret it very much, my mother constantly pokes me with this, insists that it was she who raised my children, because you can’t prove to her that there are 365-366 days in a year, and not 20-25 days, and she didn’t take her away for many years in a row, and no more than five years, and that the father was mostly with them and ran the household... My children now run away from her after her “caresses” like the devil from incense, they don’t want to communicate with her, I can’t force them to go to her, my son in general she doesn’t drive, her daughter also stopped getting up, they prefer to sit in the car. When my daughter was signing, she categorically told me that my grandmother wouldn’t be at the registry office, don’t ruin the event for me, my mother has never seen my son-in-law, I can’t drag them to meet me, my son-in-law is already afraid of her in absentia, he sees how they are chasing me. These are the things, I’m so old and still under control...(((
Mother as a .. manipulator?
Some of them have a special gift: by pressing where it hurts the most, they force children to blame themselves for all imaginable sins. Psychologist Ekaterina Mikhailova tells how, without offending anyone, you can free yourself from the influence of your mother and move to a safe distance in relationships.
The daughter tells her mother, “We bought a lot of groceries, I hope you don’t have to go to the store in the next few days.” She replies: “I knew that I would see you no earlier than in a couple of weeks.”
Some mothers instinctively touch us at our most vulnerable places and do this no matter how old we are. Their words instantly turn any of us into a bad son or a bad daughter. How to change the situation?
Recognize that you are being manipulated
“If we are strongly attached to our mother, it is not easy to understand that she is manipulating us, and we are actually not to blame for anything,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. – It’s not easy to admit this, because over many years we have deeply absorbed (interiorized) this type of relationship with her. And, having become adults, we still feel the fear of being rejected if we stop meeting our mother’s requirements.”
To free yourself from the imposed feeling of guilt, you will need to protect yourself from her desires and overcome the prohibitions that she has established. It may be worth changing your job or choosing something else if you are doing it at the insistence of your mother.
Or maybe break up with the partner whose candidate she so carefully selected for you. All this will help you understand: contrary to her predictions, the world did not collapse when you set out to implement your own plans.
Don't take the bait
“In the case of emotional blackmail - and this is what can be called imposing a feeling of guilt on another person - you need to remember that you are unlikely to be able to change your mother’s behavior, only your attitude to the situation can change,” emphasizes Ekaterina Mikhailova. “Get the strength to recognize that your behavior helps her continue to play her favorite games.”
Try to change your perspective and see in your mother not an all-powerful demon, but just a person who does not know how to build relationships differently.
“It is quite possible that it is not easy for your mother to ask you, an adult, for something, and she does it in such a strange way,” notes Ekaterina Mikhailova. “But why are you angry, instead of just saying: “I’m not ready to discuss this right now...”?” Constructive dialogue can be built only by controlling your behavior, without accusations. It is also useful to figure out whether there is something in your relationship with your mother for which you are really to blame. “If you have something to seriously reproach yourself for, when left alone with your mother, ask her for forgiveness - sincerely and thoughtfully,” advises Ekaterina Mikhailova.
There is a high probability that the tension in your relationship will begin to gradually subside.
Switch attention
Parents who do not have their own lives and interests often resort to emotional blackmail. Because of this, they seem to pull the children closer and try to live their lives, completely not noticing that they are literally suffocating from such closeness.
“Look at your mother from a distance and think about what “this woman” could do,” suggests Ekaterina Mikhailova. – Maybe she was interested in painting in her youth? Invite her to start drawing again, buy what she needs, find a place where she can draw for fun. Perhaps with your help she will find her passion.”
But she will have much less time to interfere in your life.
Make a schedule
Every time, leaving her mother, Marianna is late for the bus: at the moment when she is about to leave, her mother begins to complain that her daughter spent little time with her, and she, proving the opposite, forgets about everything.
“Clear boundaries are needed in relationships,” Ekaterina Mikhailova is sure, “but it takes time to establish them. So, one of my clients, for six (!) years, taught her mother to start a telephone conversation not with a complaint about feeling unwell, or a demand to urgently do something, but with the question of whether her daughter has the opportunity to speak now.”
Since it is mathematical accuracy that helps minimize such conflicts, when you arrive to visit, immediately tell your parents what time you will leave; Warn in advance that you will not spend your entire vacation at the dacha. You shouldn’t start a conversation with the words “I can’t (don’t want)” - this “children’s grammar” is unlikely to help establish adult relationships. Tell me better about your intentions and feelings. If the situation has gone too far, a radical remedy will help bring it back on track: don’t be afraid to “shake” your mother a little, bring her back to reality, reminding her that you have matured and live not by her rules, but by your own. Don't be touched by yourself
“It happens that an adult son or daughter themselves does not want to change their relationship with their mother,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. – To some extent, they even like that their mother depends on them; it’s flattering that she asks them to help. Such children say: “I am her whole life.” If you feel bad about being used, but at the same time, such a relationship paradoxically gives you a sense of self-worth, you are faced with a choice: leave everything as it is (including your role as an “honorary donor”) and stop expecting from your mother what you want. what she will never be able to give you, or begin the long, difficult work of establishing emotional distance in the relationship.”
Be prepared for the fact that your resistance will increase the mother’s persistence: perhaps she will even resort to one of the most effective methods - attacking or portraying the victim. Since most do this unconsciously, endless conversations, arguments, clarifications will follow, which will require confidence, consistency and firmness from you. This means that you will have to start working on your relationship with yourself. Be able to maneuver
To achieve the necessary distance in a relationship, some decide to resort to a last resort - deception. “You shouldn’t wait for me, I definitely won’t be able to come until the end of the month - there’s an audit at work.” The path of lies is simple, but it does not solve the problem of emotional dependence. This also applies to a formal break with the mother: ultimately, this is just a way to stop contacting her, and not a solution to the problem. At some point we risk facing the same claims again.
How to proceed? Insist on your own boundaries because they create the space within which you build your life. Follow your own needs and train yourself not to look back at your mother - what she will think, what she will say. Only then can you hope that her words will lose their power over you and you will stop flinching when she presses on your sore spot again.
You can easily answer her “no” and not feel guilty, or, on the contrary, you will say “yes”, sincerely agreeing with her. If you succeed, then mom has lost her ability to drive you into despair. Perhaps you have a new relationship ahead: you will finally be able to meet a real person and deal with him in the future, and not with the fantastically omnipotent Mommy from your long-gone childhood. Daughters worry more
Who is more susceptible to maternal reproaches - daughters or sons?
“Girls are more worried,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. “The ability to give in, take care of others, and value human relationships fits into the traditional set of desirable character traits and behavior of daughters. A “good girl” must be on alert all the time: is she guilty of something, does something need to be corrected, has she taken enough care of... The experiences of sons are somewhat different. The boy quickly learns to project his feelings onto other people or deny them altogether (this is how psychological defense mechanisms work). Which is understandable: young people are supposed to be brave, independent, be able to go into conflict, and therefore hurt someone’s feelings, interests, and not worry too much about how their words and actions will be perceived by others, even people close to them.”
Source: Elena Shevchenko psychologies
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