How to increase self-esteem and self-confidence: 10 recommendations from psychologists

How to understand that self-esteem is low

Today it is customary to associate all a person’s troubles with a low level of self-esteem. Is your personal life not working out? You just don't value yourself! Got fired? Who are they, you deserve better! Very often you hear something like this. Moreover, real facts are not always taken into account.

The reason for dismissal may be banal carelessness and laziness, and failures in personal life arise due to bad character. But it’s much more pleasant to think that it’s all about low self-esteem than to admit these unpleasant facts.

Moreover, no matter how strange it may sound, very often people confuse high self-esteem with low self-esteem. Such is the paradox. Therefore, before you start increasing your self-esteem, you need to soberly assess the situation.

I suggest you solve a psychological problem. Student Katya came to see a psychologist with a complaint of low self-esteem. According to Katya, she cannot believe that she is beautiful and worthy of love. At the same time, Katya’s appearance is normal, average.

But upon questioning, it turns out that she only likes the most handsome and popular guys in the faculty. And they are scoundrels! - run after the most beautiful and popular girls. And Katya wants people to run after her. What can you say about her self-esteem? What advice should you give to a girl? Write your version in the comments, and then return to reading.

I think you guessed that there is not even a hint of low self-esteem in this example. We see an inadequately high level of aspirations, which most often indicates inflated self-esteem. Katya does not consider herself ugly; on the contrary, she considers herself very beautiful and in demand. But when faced with a discrepancy between his assessment of reality, he experiences disappointment and depression. And these negative feelings are mistaken for low self-esteem.

What would an example of truly low self-esteem look like? If Katya came and said that a classmate began to court her, and it seems to her that she is unworthy of him. Because of this, she cannot relax, she feels anxious all the time and wants to refuse him, even though she likes him. This is a typical example of low self-esteem: severe anxiety + strategy of avoiding failures.

Another example. A person is highly appreciated at work and is offered a higher position. But he is afraid of not being able to cope with the task and not living up to the expectations placed on him. And in the end he decides to refuse, so as not to leave his cushy comfort zone.

A few more symptoms of low self-esteem:

tendency to self-flagellation;
worries about nonsense;
sensitivity to others' disapproval;
pessimism;
suspiciousness;
lack of self-confidence;
devaluation of one's real merits;
constant presence of negative thoughts;
lack of confidence in yourself and your decisions.

I hope I have provided some clarity on what low self-esteem is. If you find the above signs in yourself, then you can start working on raising your self-esteem.

I also advise you to take self-assessment tests first to be absolutely sure.

First aid

The problem is that as we age, we become so saturated with the usual view of ourselves that it is even more difficult to change anything.
And yet, whatever a person’s idea, it is valuable in itself, since we base our behavior on the basis of what we think about ourselves, and not on what we really are. Self-attitude can be corrected. “As in the treatment of diseases for which we go to doctors, psychological problems are also easier to solve at an early stage,”

Anna Dobruk suggests.
— The result is much faster when working with a teenager or young man, whose psyche is still quite flexible and easily adapts to new things, because young people have fewer prejudices and negative experiences.
Although you can get rid of low self-esteem at any age, when you want to consult a specialist and follow the recommendations. In this case, it is a good idea to seek help from an experienced specialist who will help you find the roots of the problem and achieve positive changes in a short period of time. Those who doubt should try to work on themselves on their own. How to do it?

Collage by Olga Pak.

Causes of low self-esteem

But first, let's look at the main reasons why self-esteem may be low.

Excessive perfectionism

You have probably noticed that low self-esteem often occurs in people who are wonderful in all respects: educated, smart, well-mannered, pleasant to talk to. While their opposites demonstrate incredible confidence. Why is this happening?

Low self-esteem is often associated with increased demands on oneself. A person strives too fiercely for the ideal and therefore does not forgive himself even for small mistakes. This phenomenon is called the excellent student syndrome. His roots go back to school.

If a child was always required to have only excellent grades and was not forgiven even for B grades, he develops a picture of the world in which only an ideal result has the right to life. Therefore, it is very difficult for him to leave his comfort zone and try something new. In any business, mistakes are inevitable at the initial stage, but for a perfectionist they are like death. Therefore, he chooses the strategy of avoiding failure so as not to experience severe anxiety.

Bad experience

When a person fails at something, his self-esteem decreases. And if at the same time he becomes fixated on failure, replays it a hundred times in his head and gets killed, his self-esteem literally flies into the abyss.

Failure must be taken into account and the right conclusions must be drawn. And then try to rehabilitate yourself. Do something that didn’t work out the first time, achieve success in something else. But under no circumstances should you hide from failures or avoid them! We have already found out that the effect will be the opposite.

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We must try to minimize the likelihood of their occurrence. Learn to set goals correctly, manage your time, and train willpower. As a rule, this is enough to increase performance several times.

Reluctance to take responsibility

If a person does not live his own life, but constantly follows the instructions of others, he will certainly experience problems with self-esteem. He will not be able to fully enjoy his successes, because the successes seem to be not entirely his.

For example, parents insisted that their son go to get a legal education. He obeyed unquestioningly: he successfully completed his studies, got a job in his specialty and reached certain career heights. But at the same time, all his life he continued to consider himself worthless.

And all because the person did not bother searching for his calling and continued to follow the beaten path. Although I could have already changed my profession 10 times and started doing something that brings me pleasure.

More complex practices to increase self-esteem

They require knowledge of psychology, experience of meditation or experience of work already done on oneself. It is better to start doing these psychological practices to raise self-esteem the next day or a day or two after completing the first. And do it for 1-2 weeks. If you had any problems doing the exercises from the first part, then don't even start doing the second part until you finish those ones.

Practice No. 5. Projecting an image

Turn on relaxing music. Take your time doing the exercises. We close our eyes. We take several slow breaths in through the nose and exhales through the mouth. We tell ourselves: my body is relaxed, my head is relaxed, my arms and legs are relaxed...

And imagine how a wave of relaxation spreads throughout your body. From the crown of your head to the tips of your toes. And back. Repeat 3 times. Now imagine an image of yourself. We are sitting in a chair or standing, as is comfortable for you. This image is at the same age as you are now. Remember how you accepted something as it is (a person, an object, the weather, some event). Those. full acceptance. And direct this energy of acceptance to your image, fill it with acceptance. Can imagine it as a glow or rays. Remember this impression. Think about how the image feels when you broadcast energy to it. Remember the feeling of gratitude towards someone. Who helped you or did something important. Direct it to your image. Remember a moment of some kind of awe. In front of the beauty of nature, in churches, mosques. Before a great man. It doesn't matter what exactly causes this feeling in you. And now direct this to your image. Think for a moment what this means to you. Slowly open your eyes.

Practice is powerful! But if you have strong inhibitions about self-love and no experience in visualization or meditation, the practice may not work very well. Just repeat it.

The result of using the exercise: you accept yourself, change your perception of yourself.

How to increase your child's self-esteem

Very often, parents are faced with the question of how to help their child accept himself and become more confident. Problems with self-esteem become especially acute during adolescence. The tips presented above are intended for independent adults. Children need a different approach.

If an adult is able to correct his own internal psychological processes, a child is not yet able to do this. The self-esteem of a little person largely depends on the actions of the parents. I'll tell you what you should and shouldn't do to increase it when necessary. Here are some tips:

Don't be too demanding of your child. You remember that excessive perfectionism is very harmful in life. Your personal vanity can become a source of big problems for your child. And also huge bills for the services of a psychotherapist to restore healthy self-esteem.
Praise your child for any success. Don't be a callous cookie who takes all your little one's achievements for granted.
Help your child discover and develop talents. Introduce him to art, take him to clubs and sports clubs. Be patient! It may take a long time before he finds his occupation.
Allow your son or daughter to be independent. Let him choose his own clothes, arrange the room at his own discretion, pay for purchases in the store, naturally, under your control.
Teach your child to solve problems, resolve conflicts, and defend their rights. If you do this for him all the time, he will grow up helpless and dependent. This will not have the best effect on self-esteem.

Formation of personal self-esteem

The structure of self-esteem formation can be considered as a component of personal development, which includes two components: cognitive and emotional, working in inextricable unity. The cognitive component reflects the individual’s knowledge about himself to varying degrees of generalization and expression, the emotional component is the attitude towards himself, the so-called accumulating “attitude towards himself.” After all, an individual acquires any knowledge about his own personality only in a social context. Then this knowledge inevitably becomes overgrown with emotions.

The formation of a person’s self-esteem occurs under the influence of several interrelated factors, which include communication interaction with the surrounding society, the active activity of the individual, self-observation and self-control. A person, carrying out any form of activity, invariably finds himself in situations in which he is forced to develop his attitude to actions and deeds, behavior in general, evaluate his own skills and abilities to produce something, and demonstrate various aspects of his personality.

There is no specific type of activity that will have a greater or lesser impact on the formation of positive self-esteem. However, we can still conclude that a significant impact on the development of self-esteem (adequate or inadequate) is exerted by activities that become leading at a specific stage of an individual’s life. For example, the conditions for developing self-esteem in children or adolescents lie in educational activities and everything that is interconnected with it. For older individuals, work activity often becomes the main condition for developing adequate self-esteem. However, at the same time, for all individuals the role of a single condition is purely individual. Since professional activities or studies do not always bring satisfaction, they can often even act as a source of stress, negative experiences and uncertainty. Therefore, in order to assert oneself and increase self-confidence, in addition to educational or work activities, there are many other activities, such as hobbies.

An important characteristic of a mature personality is the emergence of differentiated self-esteem. This means that an individual is able to reasonably assess his own potential depending on the field of activity, he can sensibly accept both his strong and weak traits, and is not upset when something is discovered beyond the boundaries of his understanding

The formation of self-esteem plays a vital role in the development of personality. It determines the development of the level of aspirations of the individual, the level of confidence and uncertainty, which affects the success of the individual in life and the self-sufficiency of the individual as a whole. Therefore, the role of self-esteem in the formation of personality is quite difficult to overestimate.

Types of personality self-esteem in psychology

In psychology, there are three types of self-esteem. The classification is based on the degree to which a person’s self-importance corresponds to objective data. The more realistically a person evaluates himself, the more successful his relationships with people are and the higher his success in all areas of life.

Adequate self-esteem

With this type of self-perception, a person’s assessment coincides with reality. A person soberly realizes his strengths and weaknesses, knows his capabilities and needs, and determines his inner potential.

Such a person is capable of self-criticism and working on mistakes. Weaknesses are eliminated and strong characteristics are cultivated.

Inadequate self-esteem

Distorted self-esteem suggests that a person’s opinion of himself is far from objective. Radical self-perception can be overestimated or underestimated when a person either does not accept himself at all or believes that he has qualities that are not actually inherent in him. Inadequate self-esteem interferes with communication and professional achievement.

Mixed self-esteem

In this case, a person treats himself differently at different periods of his life, sometimes he shows more confidence, sometimes he becomes weak and complex.

We can also talk about a mixed view if we really look at ourselves in terms of some qualities, but inadequately in terms of other characteristics. For example, we confidently achieve success in our profession, but in our personal lives we consider ourselves unworthy of a suitable partner.

Adviсe

In this block I will give you some recommendations that will help you increase your self-esteem faster.

Change your image

“They greet you by their clothes” is a proven truth. Humans are designed in such a way that, first of all, we evaluate each other visually, with our eyes. And only then do we look at the person’s inner qualities, the breadth of his soul, and his professionalism.

It is very important to improve your appearance to improve your self-esteem. This is especially true for women.

Changing your image (coping strategy) helps to cope with worries about appearance. The desire to change oneself intensifies in difficult life situations. A beauty salon and a stylist’s help in creating a new look restore a woman’s self-confidence. This is such a “trick” of the subconscious: if I change for the better, then everything else will change for the better. The result is an external transformation of appearance with a “therapeutic” effect for the soul and self-esteem.

The rule works for both women and men. As soon as you start paying attention to yourself, you will not go unnoticed by others. A stylish suit and good perfume “magically” restore self-confidence and raise self-esteem.

Cast aside your fears

Fear destroys a person during his lifetime. Fear of making mistakes - including. Past “losing” experiences deprive a person of self-respect and drive him into a corner. Negativity makes you live a worthless life. By stepping over fear, you not only increase your self-esteem, you basically look at the circumstances around you differently.

How is this possible in practice? Make a plan and follow a series of steps step by step:

Formulate what exactly you are afraid of. Choose the most “modest” fear and overcome it. You need to start small.
Switch to positive information. Study motivational literature and stories of people who have already overcome similar phobias.
Expand your “comfort zone”. Again, start small. By changing the circle of your usual actions and interests, you in any case gain new experience. For example, buy a gym membership, despite your awkwardness and inhibitions.
Realize that another failure will not mean the end of your life. You have an unlimited number of attempts. If it doesn't work, try again.
Just take the first step. Any action is better than inaction. Increased self-esteem and self-respect will not keep you waiting.

Become a professional

This is practical advice for self-realization, especially professional. It is better to choose an area that is relatively familiar to you, in which you will not have to “start from scratch” everything.

There is no point in taking on a business in which you know you will fail. Set realistic goals for yourself in life, creativity, and business. This is a great way to restore or gain self-respect.

Don't avoid constructive criticism

People with low self-esteem tend to be highly sensitive. They are easily hurt by even minor criticism. Accept as a fact that there is a rational grain in any criticism. You shouldn’t be scared, offended or quickly brush it off.

Listen to the remark without emotion, take on board useful information. Perhaps this will be the right direction for your development.

Do what you love

Advice for professional and creative self-realization. Not everyone manages to make what they love their profession. But we spend a huge part of our lives at work. If you are not among the “lucky” ones who are in love with their business, then find a hobby and time to do it.

Nowadays there is a huge amount of information on the Internet. Analyze what might be interesting and useful to you.

This rule is also suitable for children and teenagers. A hobby found in time can direct children's energy in the right direction. It helps them find themselves and, perhaps, even decide on their future profession.

Help others

Look at your life not from the position of a victim, but from the position of a “creator” and master of the situation. Pay attention to your inner circle of friends.

Chances are you'll see people who need help. Help them. Use your energy for good. By helping others, you will gain the respect of loved ones, friends and your own. And here there is a direct relationship with self-esteem.

Ways to correct self-esteem

It is imperative to increase self-esteem. It's never too late to learn to love yourself and accept yourself with all your shortcomings. This is a characteristic that can be easily corrected with diligent, targeted practice.

It is advisable to engage in self-development, gain new knowledge, skills and impressions
. The more the intellect is pumped up and the horizons are broader, the more self-confident a person is. In addition, he becomes an interesting conversationalist and people notice this, are drawn to him, and begin to compliment him.
By the way, about compliments
. Learn to receive them with the air of an English queen. There is no need to justify yourself with the phrase “You look so good!”, It’s better to answer: “It is what it is!”
You should never overuse excuses
. A person with good self-esteem is confident in himself, so he is responsible for all his actions and has no need to apologize.
Learn to create a good mood for yourself, smile and praise yourself for any reason.
. Got up from the couch to wash the floor? “What a great fellow I am!” But if you don’t get up, then you don’t need to scold yourself. Say: “Let my gorgeous legs rest a little.”
Forgive yourself for mistakes, everyone makes them
. You need to get rid of the feeling of guilt; it is aggression directed against yourself.

As you work to improve your self-image, remove yourself from toxic people who criticize and devalue and let them pour their venom elsewhere. When you love yourself, their opinion will become indifferent to you, or you will be able to respond adequately.

Levels of personality self-esteem

In addition to the periods of formation of personal self-esteem, there are levels in psychology. There are three of them:

Low – this level is considered a problem in psychology. It is formed under the influence of parents in childhood. Such people are characterized by indecision, dependence on the opinions of other people, a desire to avoid responsibility and shift it onto the shoulders of others, excessive demands, and envy.

This is “distorted” egoism - the individual is so immersed in his own failures that he does not notice what is happening around him and does not pay attention to the problems of his loved ones. Average or "normal". This level is found in those who are self-confident and are aware and adequately evaluate their negative and positive qualities.

People with a similar “mindset” are proactive and adapt well to any conditions established by society. Tall is characteristic of the successful and influential. If an individual has significant achievements in any area, then with a high probability a similar mechanism is triggered. However, there are many cases of unreasonably high assessment of one’s actions and achievements, when self-esteem is much “more extensive” than the quantity and quality of real actions.

In addition to levels, psychology distinguishes types of assessment - adequate and inadequate. The first correctly interprets the actions and characteristics of the individual. A person is able to really look at himself from the outside and set achievable goals. In the case of an inadequate appearance, the individual forms an incorrect idea of himself - he either underestimates or overestimates the existing “level”. Correction of such deviations is impossible without the use of special tests and techniques. They will help determine what the real picture is and whether it is worth working with a psychologist.

Useful materials on the topic

In this block, I want to recommend you several useful courses and psychological simulators that will help you increase your self-esteem. The courses are conducted on the platforms of two different projects, all of them are of very high quality.

Vikium

I recommend Vikium to you first of all simply as a project for self-development. It is dedicated to the development of skills such as thinking, memory, attention, and recently materials have also appeared for the development of emotional intelligence and communication skills.

First, look at the simulators that are available here. They are all free. I provide a link to a general page with exercise equipment, where they are sorted into groups. Select the most interesting ones for yourself.

Now look at the general page with Wikium courses. There are only 18 of them so far, but the project is constantly creating something new, and the list of courses is growing.

To increase your self-esteem, I recommend these programs to you:

Brain detoxification. This course allows you to remove all negativity, all bad memories from your head. You probably had periods in your life when you constantly thought about something bad, about the insult caused to you, about your failures, guilt before someone and could not get rid of these feelings. The techniques described in Detoxification will help you stop chewing the cud of negativity. Cost – 890 rubles.
Emotional intellect. The course will teach you to better analyze your emotions and the emotions of those around you. It helps to cope with panic attacks and depression, to “grow” in your own eyes. Cost – 890 rubles.
Brain fitness. This course is very expensive. But you have to pay not so much for the program itself, but for the “neural interface”. This is a small device that analyzes the electromagnetic waves coming from your brain. Based on the results of the analysis, the neural interface will create unique tips and recommendations for you. According to the developers, it helps with self-esteem, emotional stress, and even improves sleep quality. Cost – 17,990 rubles.

4Brain

There are also interesting materials on the 4Brain website:

Human psychology. This is a general course in psychology, which also addresses issues of self-esteem and attitude towards oneself. I'm mentioning it here because it's completely free. You can familiarize yourself with the contents of the material only from your personal account. Therefore, register and study for your health.
Mental self-regulation. A course on how to start liking yourself, how to stop focusing on the negative, how to grow in your own eyes and become happier. It includes 25 lessons, each lasting approximately 45 minutes. The total duration of the program is 6 weeks. The course can be taken from a mobile phone; it is well adapted for mobile phones and tablets.

Methods and tests for personality self-esteem

Many techniques are used to diagnose self-assessment. Let's highlight the main ones:

Dembo-Rubinstein technique. Three settings are significant in it: realism, height, stability. During diagnosis, the subject determines his condition using selectable scales, taking into account some nuances. The research is simple to perform: a table is drawn on a regular sheet, each of its columns is one of the properties, and its position is the content of the property at the moment. At the bottom are the values that the subject is trying to get rid of, at the top are those that he wants to possess. This test must be performed in combination with a subsequent interview.
Budassi personality self-assessment technique. It analyzes the parameter quantitatively and reveals its adequacy. Based on self-assessment. It is carried out by 2 possible methods - it requires comparing ideas with actual indicators or with other people.
Cattell test. This questionnaire is the most common diagnostic method that analyzes individual psychological traits. The purpose of the study is to discover 16 personality factors.
Leary test. Based on the diagnosis of value judgments in relation to oneself and loved ones, the description of the ideal “I”. Consists of 128 statements revealing 8 types of relationships.
Test for the study of G. Eysenck's states. Relevant when identifying traits of aggressiveness, frustration, and rigidity in behavior. Information is presented briefly. The list indicates conditions that may be typical or, on the contrary, not characteristic of the subject.

Formation of adequate self-esteem

Self-esteem is one of the most essential conditions determining the transformation of a small individual into a personality. It develops in subjects the need to comply not only with the surrounding individuals and environment, but also with the level of their own personal assessments. Correctly developed adequate self-esteem is not just knowledge of one’s own personality and not the sum of some traits, but a certain attitude towards one’s own personality. It determines the comprehension of personality as a separate stable object.

M. Fennel presented self-esteem as the central link of voluntary self-regulation. In her opinion, it determines the direction and level of activity of the individual, his position in relation to the environment, society, and his own person, and is a mechanism of the most complex psychological nature. It is involved in a mass of interconnections and relationships with the formations of the individual’s psyche and represents an important determinant of all forms of its activity and communication interaction. The initial abilities to evaluate one’s own personality are laid in early childhood, and their formation and improvement occurs throughout the entire life course of the individual.

R. Nemov believed that self-esteem allows an individual to maintain stability regardless of the variability of situations, while providing the individual with the opportunity to remain himself.

The formation of adequate self-esteem of a person is extremely important for interpersonal interactions, establishing relationships with society, for successful communication, and success in a certain type of activity.

And special attention should be paid to the formation of a child’s self-esteem, since all the formations of his personality are just beginning to form, then self-esteem is much easier to influence and change. After all, a baby does not come into the world with a pre-determined attitude towards his own personality and potential.

Just like all other personality traits, his self-esteem develops in the course of upbringing, mastery of activities and interpersonal interaction.

As children grow older, they learn to understand themselves and their own “I”, and evaluate their own qualities. It is this evaluative component of the “I” that is called self-esteem. It represents the core of self-awareness, and the degree of the individual’s claims interconnected with it. The degree of aspiration is understood as the level of difficulty of the goals set by the child for himself.

Self-esteem and the level of a child’s aspirations have a huge impact on emotional well-being, his development, and success in various areas of activity. Nowadays, the impact of a child’s self-esteem on his actions, behavior, actions and interpersonal contacts is becoming increasingly undeniable.

The formation of positive self-esteem in children is primarily influenced by family upbringing and the pedagogical influence of teachers.

It is probably very difficult to overestimate the impact of family upbringing on children's self-esteem. The level of self-esteem depends on the parents - whether it will be adequate or not. For adequate children's self-esteem, constant support from significant adults, the manifestation of sincere care for children and frequent positive assessment of their actions, behavior and deeds are very important. Children should never be humiliated. If a child makes a mistake or does something wrong, you need to explain to him what is wrong and show him how to do it. Try to evaluate his behavior, not his personality characteristics. Don't be afraid to praise your child. You just need to praise correctly - not for the qualities given to him by nature, but for his achievements, victories, no matter how small.

Teachers play an equally important role in developing children’s self-esteem. After all, school-age children spend a significant part of their time within the walls of schools. And educational activity is the main one at this stage of development. Therefore, it is believed that the most important factor determining the adequate formation of a child’s self-esteem is the assessment of teachers. Giving an assessment of the children’s knowledge and skills, the teacher simultaneously assesses their personalities, their potential, abilities and place among others. This is how children perceive teachers’ assessments.

Formation of student self-esteem

Subjective self-esteem has a significant impact on the effectiveness of various types of activities and the development of an individual’s personality in all periods of its formation. Adequate self-esteem gives an individual self-confidence, helps to correctly set goals and successfully achieve them in various areas of life, gives the necessary personal qualities, such as initiative, activity, enterprise, activity, and the ability to adapt.

At a certain age stage, the development of self-esteem is predominantly influenced by the type of activity that is leading during this period. The leading activity of primary school students is educational activity. The formation of the baby’s self-esteem mainly depends on how it goes. The success of educational activities is directly related to his success in learning and academic performance.

The formation of students' self-esteem is the main new development of personality. The assessment activities of teachers are the basis for developing self-esteem in children studying in primary school. The development of student self-esteem continues to develop when the teacher shows a positive attitude towards students, believes in their capabilities, and demonstrates a desire to help them learn. And the methodological side of the development of adequate self-esteem comes down to the use in educational activities, mainly, of subjective standards, which create precedents for students’ reflective assessment of their actions.

To develop adequate self-esteem in younger schoolchildren, a teacher must use various mechanisms and methods. The main way is feedback. All looks, gestures, words, movements, and intonations directed to the baby are feedback. It must be taken into account that the child absorbs and appropriates such feedback. With their help, he forms his self-esteem. And if the feedback has a positive direction, then it will ensure the development of a high level of self-esteem and, conversely, if it has a negative direction, it will ensure the development of a low level.