Husband constantly insults and humiliates: advice from a psychologist

In this article we will tell you:

1. 7 possible reasons for aggression on the part of your husband
2. 7 steps to solve the problem
3. Advice from psychologists to women who are abused by their husbands
4. What not to do to avoid making the situation worse

What should women do if their husband constantly insults them? Start showing mutual aggression? Tolerate? Try to reason with your spouse? In some cases this may correct the situation, in others it may not. The fact is that there are men who consider this behavior absolutely normal.

In general, the question of what exactly to do is quite complex. Here you need to act carefully and be sure to take into account the specifics of the specific situation. But what you definitely can’t do is leave the problem unattended. The hopes that everything will settle down over time are too elusive here.

Advice from psychologists to women who are abused by their husbands

If your husband begins to insult you, the advice of a psychologist will help you easily overcome the current situation and direct the relationship in the right direction. Experts offer:

1. Leaving your spouse alone - even if you haven’t thought about separating, you can move out of the apartment for a while. Don't agree to meetings by ignoring calls and messages. Upon your return, tell your husband how calmly you lived without him. This will sober up your partner, and, most likely, he will think about his behavior.
2. Ignore your husband during the next attack of aggression. Just leave the room or turn away and wait silently until your husband stops insulting you.
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   Next, calmly tell him that you shouldn’t blame others for the fact that the man has driven himself into such a sad state. If he needs help, his family will support and help him. Hysterics and swear words are grounds for ending family life, which should definitely be mentioned during the conversation.

3. Questions are unpleasant and denigrating in a public place. This can stop an outbreak of aggression, since tyrants do not like spectators. But it is not recommended to resort to this technique if there are relatives or children nearby.

The husband is rude, there are two children, there is nowhere to go. What to do?

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes.

Reader question:

Good afternoon

My husband constantly yells, is rude, is rude, and throws things. He appears calm, but is actually very nervous. He’s 15 years older than me, he’s about 60. He seems to be balanced, and not like a teenager with an explosive character. It can explode in an instant and ruin the mood. I called him to dinner. yelled at the kids and threw a plate of food into the sink. He doesn’t worry at all about ruining people’s mood. Mostly in the evenings. This happens every day. He sits in the room by himself, if I come in to talk, he shouts “leave me alone, go away.” But he says that I am a nice person.

I have two kids. She walks with the children, does men's work around the house, and works. But his rudeness is very annoying. We don’t go anywhere together, he doesn’t want to, we went to church. No sex for 6 years. Watches porn. I don’t work, I’m at home with the kids, I have nowhere to go. I quit drinking and smoking. I'm very tired, How can I stop this rudeness? He often has such an evil look! It hurts a lot. What to do? I'm in constant stress and don't see a way out. He himself said that he was connected with me because of the children.

Archpriest Andrei Efanov answers:

Archpriest Andrey EFANOV

God's blessing be upon you!

You know, situations of acute family conflicts, especially long-term conflicts, are not a topic for letters. You need to go to the temple and talk with the priest, and I would advise you to start with this: come or call the temple and ask how you can arrange a personal conversation with the priest. This conversation should not be a one-time thing; you need to discuss your situation, your internal problems, fears, and so on, and begin to regularly confess to this priest and, based on his advice, build your spiritual life. This is important because in a difficult situation, the internal state is the first place to start.

At the same time, you need to contact a psychologist and go through several sessions with him, so that, again, with his help, you can understand yourself. And if the priest tells you what to do from a spiritual point of view, how to establish a relationship with God and what church means will help here, he will psychologically tell you how to put your thoughts in order on a more mundane, earthly level.

Such a deep analysis of the situation and self-analysis will at least allow you personally to understand what led you to such a situation and what you can do here. We are talking about you, because you cannot do anything for your husband, but for yourself it is very possible to understand about the situation.

And constantly pray to God and the Mother of God so that they will help you understand the situation. Maybe it’s worth asking the patron saints of you and your husband for help and reading the prayer “Thy apostles are a union of love...”, inserting the names of you and your husband.

With the help of a priest and a psychologist, turning back and looking at the present, perhaps you will understand what is happening and why and what you can do about it.

A very important point is that the husband used to drink. It’s good that you quit, but if you read the literature and talk to experts, you will find out that such people become very nervous. Perhaps the nerves become aggravated in the evenings at precisely the hour when the person used to drink. He doesn’t drink, he holds on, it costs him enormous effort - and it spills out in the form of conflict. A good psychologist (maybe not the first one you find) will tell you what to do here. Perhaps, after a conversation with a specialist, you will suggest that your husband seek help so that he too can feel better. If it becomes easier for him, it will become easier for the whole family. This is difficult, men are not very willing to do such things, so pray to God and follow the advice of a psychologist, what he will tell you after learning your circumstances in more detail.

Alas, I can’t say more, because we need to sit down and talk. I really wish that peace reigns in your home and that your relationship with your husband improves!

Where to turn if your husband beats you?

First, you need to search the Internet for the nearest crisis center, and then think about how to contact the center itself. I advise you to find the address and telephone number of a crisis center in your region right now and save them in your phone - just in case. The search most often contains only telephone numbers, addresses and e-mails of women's assistance centers. Not everyone has a website—apparently, they don’t care about websites. But a telephone is enough for us, right? Some crisis centers also have websites where you can read useful materials. I found several websites of women’s help centers as examples, for the largest cities:

• There are several crisis centers in Moscow, for example: Crisis Center for Women and Children
• There are also many crisis centers in St. Petersburg, one of them: “Ingo” - a crisis center for women
• There are also several crisis centers in Yekaterinburg, the website of one: Crisis

If you haven’t found anything at all for your city or region, then here is a universal lifesaver, which I also found on the Internet - an all-Russian toll-free helpline:

But they themselves often first file and then withdraw a statement from the police. For what?

We all know the story of Margarita Gracheva, who was left without an arm. A month before her husband’s attack, she filed a complaint about the threats, but they never responded to it. The same goes for the Khachaturian sisters: their father had connections everywhere. Because of such tragedies, many do not believe in justice. Someone is afraid of revenge. Someone wants to intimidate the offender, but does not want him to be sent to prison. Stigma on the family, fatherlessness, lack of alimony. In the United States, criminals are not allowed to approach the victim closer than a certain distance. We are not so strict with this.

The case may be dismissed, and the angry man will become even more aggressive than before.

Plus, initiating a criminal case is not an easy procedure for any person from a psychological point of view. And especially for a victim of violence. Interrogations, reproduction of details from personal life, attempts to prove that everything was exactly like that. Sometimes there is simply no moral strength for this. Plus, social pressure plays its part - the same “you can’t tolerate quarrels in public.”

Other solutions

It often happens that no arguments can force a notorious man to abandon his characteristic manner of behavior. After all, at that moment when a husband insults and beats his wife, he feels a surge of strength and confidence at the expense of the other person and his feelings.

That is why, unfortunately, it is not always possible to solve a psychological problem on your own. In this case, it is very important to contact the appropriate specialists in a timely manner. Free psychological help is needed for couples if:

• the husband suffers from various types of addiction, which contributes to the emergence of aggression;
• moral sadism is accompanied by beatings;
• the man has a mental disorder that led to the problem;
• The spouses want to figure out the situation on their own, but they can’t.

Is it possible to recognize an abuser before a close relationship?

Even professional psychologists find it difficult to do this at first glance, but there are still “beacons”. A minute ago the person was joking, but now he has fallen into depression and irritation? Sudden mood swings are one of the main criteria. After just a week of dating, you were invited to get married and demanded to introduce you to friends and relatives? Be careful. Do they ask to show you an apartment via Skype or Zoom when they go on business trips, joking that such a beauty could have a crowd of admirers hiding under her bed? Run. Are they forbidden to see friends, wear cleavage or wear makeup? Same advice. Many people hide behind concern. “These people are a bad influence on our relationship. This makeup ages you. I’m just really afraid of losing you.” This is not passion, this is pathology.

Consequences for the child

You may be surprised, but your children receive the most significant blow from your spouse’s insults and humiliation. After all, it really only seems that the child is in no way involved in the conflict. In fact, the mother is always and in everything a protector for children, and when she is offended, the child loses the much-needed feeling of security. As a result, he is subjected to severe stress, which can gradually manifest itself in a craving for sadism, theft, various phobias and other psychological deviations.

If we are talking about humiliation and insults of a husband in front of a child, then all psychologists unanimously agree that there is only one way out of the situation: to stop everything that is happening. And there are many options here: starting with all sorts of psychological seminars and ending with a complete break in relations. Each individual situation may have its own way out.

Other reasons for constant screaming and humiliation

1. Lack of sexual and emotional satisfaction. Perhaps your husband is deprived of your support, does not feel your feelings and simply does not understand how exactly you feel about him. Every man needs a sensual woman for whom he will move mountains. And many wives tend to waste their potential on solving the problems of their relatives, girlfriends, and children. It is because of this that all sorts of problems often arise in many couples. After all, gradually your husband begins to move away from you and throw out his anger, as well as resentment, in scandals.
2. Social unfulfillment of men. Very often, it is extremely important for representatives of the stronger sex to succeed as a specialist, to achieve heights and recognition. Only in this case will he be confident in himself and the future. If he chose the wrong job and was not fulfilled, over time the entire flow of his dissatisfaction will pour out on his chosen one.
3. Stress from the modern rhythm of life. Not all men are able to withstand the difficulties of today's life. If there is a rush at work, and the boss is throwing up and rushing around, you can add to this the delay in salaries and standing idle in traffic jams, then it is possible that in the evening a lot of complaints await you. In this case, it is very important to understand the characteristics of your spouse. Try to limit him from additional stress. Perhaps he is used to having his shirt always ironed and waiting for him on the hanger, and borscht, in his opinion, should always be with sour cream. Try to make your husband as comfortable as possible at home.

NUMBERS

87,000 were murdered worldwide . This is slightly less than the population of Chukotka and the Nenets Autonomous Okrug. Or like the number of inhabitants of an entire state in the Caribbean - Antigua and Barbuda.

58% of them died at the hands of partners or family members.

In 70% of cases violence is repeated if it has already happened once.

In France, during the month of quarantine the number of attacks on women within the family increased by 32% ; in Britain, , calls from victims of violence began to by 65% ; in Cyprus, by 30% .

According to the UN.