What is love: Pixabay For thousands of years, humanity has been trying to explain what love is. There is no single definition at the moment, since each person perceives and understands it individually. Leading experts in the field of relationship psychology helped to find out what love is and how it develops.
What is love
Love has always been a popular topic of discussion, raised by philosophers, poets, writers and scientists for countless generations, and many of them have come up with different formulas for love, having their own views on its definition, conditions of occurrence and forms of manifestation.
While most researchers agree that love involves a strong feeling of affection, there is much disagreement about its exact meaning, resulting in different attitudes among different people.
Characteristics of love:
- Higher priority for the well-being and happiness of the love object compared to one's own needs.
- Strong feeling of affection.
- Feelings of attraction and respect.
- Desire to provide help and care.
- A combination of the above characteristics.
There have been many debates about whether love is a free choice, or whether it is capable of enslaving despite the presence of will, whether it is permanent or fleeting, whether love between family members and spouses is biologically programmed or imposed by society.
Read: types of love
The concept of love can vary depending on the individual as well as the culture in question. The result of every dispute about love is closer to the truth in relation to some time or place.
For example, in some cases love can be a choice, while in others it can be an uncontrollable feeling.
Don't be born beautiful
Valery Ponomarev was not a wanted child. His mother tried so hard to get rid of the fetus that the boy was born disfigured: almost blind and with a large red hemangioma, which with age covered his entire face. Fortunately, the boy's mind and heart were not damaged. At school, he kept up with his peers, tried to be friends with the guys, not being offended by the teasing “senor tomato.” Nature has endowed him with perseverance and intelligence. Since his youth, Valery has been versed in complex technology: he repairs televisions, refrigerators, bicycles and cars.
He met his betrothed in 1994, the oriental beauty Elvira tripped on the stairs, and Valery gallantly offered to help her. We started dating. Evil tongues immediately reported the unusual suitor to Elvira’s father: “Why do you need such a son-in-law?” However, the feeling that flared up turned out to be strong. Seeing how tenderly and caringly Valery treated his daughter, the father did not listen to anyone and threw a wedding, which was attended by the whole street.
On December 19, 1999, a handsome, strong man was born. Now 13-year-old Kolya is a five-time champion of the Stavropol Territory in judo, the pride of the school.
Valery and Elvira consider themselves happy people, the only thing missing is the desire to finally live as their own family. Now they share an apartment with Valery’s mother, who does not really like her son’s family. However, the incredible warmth of their own relationship - hard-won, deserved - makes the world around them beautiful.
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Love, passion (infatuation), romantic love
Especially in the early stages of a relationship, it can be difficult to discern the difference between love and passion (infatuation).
Combined with an overwhelming desire to be close to another person, both feelings are driven by physical attraction and the intoxicating effects of hormones, but only one of them is characterized by longevity - love.
Read: What is true love?
Love is something that begins between two people and develops over a long period of time, experiencing many ups and downs in life along the way. Therefore, love requires time, fidelity, mutual trust and acceptance of a person as he is.
Passion is associated with sexual experiences that initially attract people to each other and are fueled by the desire to reproduce.
Passion, by blurring your consciousness with the influence of hormones and the idealization of the personality of its object, dulls the ability to see a person in his true light, and therefore it is not always able to become a direct path to a long-term relationship.
The ideal scenario for a strong relationship involves a balanced combination of love and passion.
Falling in love , i.e. infatuation with another person, combined with feelings of attachment, form romantic love , which is an important early stage of a long-term relationship.
Rekindling the original spark of passion is a practice that happy couples should definitely follow.
A million tea roses for your beloved
In the 70s, Larisa’s family moved to Chelyabinsk and the girl went to a new school. Who would have known that there would already be a person waiting for her with whom she would go through life together. Igor immediately noticed the pretty new girl, but for the time being did not reveal his feelings. And Larisa saw him only as a friend who would help him carry his bag home, fix his bike... However, one incident helped the teenagers understand their feelings. They quarreled over a trifle, and then Larisa accidentally saw Igor walking with other girls. There was no limit to the outrage! The girl promised never to communicate with the “traitor” again.
A few months later it was Larisa’s birthday. Waking up, the birthday girl looked out onto the balcony and was stunned - the entire floor was strewn with roses. The girl ran to thank her parents for the pleasant surprise, but they themselves were amazed at what they saw. Then Larisa understood everything - it was Igor who presented the gift.
“I’m glad that everything turned out this way in my life,” Larisa says now. – Igor is reliable, decent, I am very happy with him. There are difficult moments in life, but I remember this balcony of tea roses - and forgive my beloved all the little things.
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Love and passion. Differences
To determine for yourself the difference between love and passion, answer yourself 5 questions.
Does your relationship make you a better person?
Only love can make you feel like you are capable of anything, and for an extended period of time.
The motivation of this amazing feeling contributes to the mutual growth of partners. And if you look back and conclude that you have succeeded and become a better version of yourself since your first date, this is a clear sign of love.
Passion carries within itself an opposite, destructive force. It stops your personal development through restrictions on your freedom and implicit prohibitions on self-realization.
Passion worsens the quality of life of both partners, but love gives freedom, motivates, and makes lovers better.
Where is your “I”?
Is your Ego at the core of your relationship, or is your loved one at its center?
Do you prefer to give or receive?
Do you keep track of how much you did for your partner and how much he did for you?
If you're willing to do whatever it takes for your girlfriend or boyfriend without considering your own gain, from sending loving messages, giving gifts, to sacrificing your beliefs and principles, then it's most likely love.
When you're in love, the other person's happiness is more important to you than your own well-being.
Passion is self-centered, but love is completely selfless.
What attracts you to your partner?
Passion for another person works primarily on a physical level, causing you to admire the object of your desire's appearance, body, voice, gait, or clothing style.
Love, first of all, is aimed at the partner’s personality, his inner world, way of thinking, life values and other internal qualities.
Physical attractiveness is, of course, also important, but to a much lesser extent.
Thus, passion is based on external attraction, love - on internal personal values.
Are you being yourself in a relationship?
If each of you can answer "Yes", you are definitely meant for each other.
If you are able to be yourself, telling your loved one about the most personal things, doing what you like, and not trying to control your behavior, you can be sure that this is love.
Honesty, complete trust, understanding, intimacy, mutual sympathy and romantic feelings create a stable platform for a long-term union.
When you don't have to wear masks to cover your true colors; when you are not afraid of being misunderstood, rejected, ridiculed, judged for who you are; when you always try to understand your partner's actions without judging - all these are the building blocks of true love, not lust.
Passion dictates the rules, but love frees you from inner servitude, it does not judge, it comes to you for who you are.
Are you ready to grow together?
Love cannot stumble or break. She is able to withstand all types of life obstacles that arise on a joint path, finding a way out of any current circumstances.
If you feel that you can be with this person forever, regardless of whether you receive the same amount of care and warmth as you give, that is love.
Passion is temporary and fleeting, so sooner or later a relationship based on it will end.
Passion flares up and goes out, ceasing to exist. Love is stable, deep and constant.
Love is timeless.
Love and mental health
While there is no single truth when it comes to defining love, most people agree that love plays a vital role in both physical and mental well-being.
Benefits of love:
- The lack of love and care that children may experience almost always has a negative impact on their future lives to varying degrees.
- The feeling of lack of love has a strong relationship with low self-esteem, an inferiority complex and can cause depression.
- People who live loving lives tend to be happier.
- Love and a sense of emotional unity can have a direct impact on health, helping to improve immunity.
Love and physiology
From an evolutionary perspective, love can be seen as a survival tool—a mechanism we evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual protection, and parental support.
When you realize that someone is attractive to you, love, among other things, begins to manifest itself in the form of a biological process.
Your body is amplifying what your mind already knows—this person is making you feel amazing.
When we feel close to another person, our brain signals our body to release hormones such as serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine and norepinephrine.
These chemicals cause us to become overwhelmed with loving thoughts and experience the physical sensations we associate with love.
More about “love hormones”:
1. Serotonin. This hormone improves your mood. Those who take certain illegal drugs cause a huge increase in serotonin levels. Instead, they could simply find someone who would love them - and there would be more benefits and health.
2. Oxytocin. Is the biological basis for love. This hormone is released during hugs and lovemaking, filling you with a feeling of affection for your lover.
3. Vasopressin. Along with oxytocin, it is responsible for the feeling of closeness to someone.
4. Dopamine. Bears responsibility for desire and reward, i.e. you feel great pleasure when you are rewarded with love, whether it is expressed through kindness, touch, a date night, or a feeling of happiness.
5. Norepinephrine. It is produced when you fall in love and feel the excitement of wanting everything to work out and develop well. Such physical sensations are manifested by a rapid heartbeat or clammy palms.
Wedding on the day of the opposition rally
The romance of Mikhail and Marina Yakovlev developed against the backdrop of raging political passions. They met after another radio broadcast, in which the social activist exposed the shortcomings of the current government.
“It was May 12,” says Marina. — The radio was on at work during my lunch break. The presenter invited everyone to call live and tell about themselves. Listeners could send a message and get to know the speaker. That’s how I heard Mikhail for the first time. Without thinking twice, I sent an SMS.
Soon Mikhail proposed, but as fate would have it, the wedding date on September 15 coincided with an action in support of the March of Millions. Attending the event was the subject of long debate between the couple. As a result, Mikhail adjusted the route of the wedding card so as to be on the square at the right time. Marina remained in the car while her husband protested for 15 minutes.
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Stages of love (relationships)
Love
Falling in love is the most exciting stage of love, and many will agree with this.
When a man and a woman find each other attractive, a spark of attraction flashes between them, causing them to drown in the ocean of romance and passion.
At this stage, you simply cannot stop thinking about the girl or guy, they are constantly on your mind. It is now that the meaning of the old saying “love is blind” is most clearly manifested.
This "charm" stage brings a lot of romantic emotions, laughter, flirting and playfulness, and all the negative traits of the partners are ignored. Much emphasis is placed on the similarities you both share.
People at this stage seem to “fly” when they are together, and cannot wait to be close to each other if they are separated. Butterflies fly in the stomach, and trembling hearts seem to freeze.
At such moments, most people are sure that they have found their soulmate, but the underlying reason for all these uncontrollable emotions is physiology.
“Love hormones” make you feel euphoric, induce a cheerful mood filled with happiness, and increase your overall energy level. It seems that you are a different person, your sexuality is at its peak, you feel like you can handle anything, you are simply fearless.
In this state, you are able to get married before moving on to the next stage of love, ignoring the underlying flaws in your partner.
Sure, the romantic feeling in question seems wonderful while it lasts, but it can't last forever, even if you really want it to.
By combining with feelings of intimacy and affection, infatuation transforms into romantic love.
Saturation (addiction)
After several months of living together, when the “chemistry of love” ceases its active phase of influence, couples return to their usual selves with their usual mood and level of attraction.
Things return to normal and instead of focusing on each other, the couple becomes more active professionally and in other daily activities.
Young people who are unaware of this stage of love may think that the feelings have passed. Sometimes they may get upset due to lack of attention from their lover.
Minor disagreements and even quarrels are a normal part of this stage. It's worth recognizing that healthy confrontation is natural because it helps both of you understand the situation better.
As you learn to resolve problems and conflicts that arise, your relationship will become more mature.
At this stage of love, you may wonder why your sex life has become a little stale, or why you sometimes find your partner irritated.
You begin to evaluate your other half more objectively, and the conclusions that come to mind can cause delight or apathy.
What you need to do is move on. The best is yet to come, even if you feel like the relationship has faded.
Disgust (quarrels)
You may have a lot of expectations from your loved one. You can even try to bring your partner closer to your ideal image.
This stage of love resembles a power struggle, and sometimes relationships end if one party dominates the other too much.
Instead of focusing on the similarities, as you so cleverly did when you were in love, you now focus on your partner's differences and shortcomings.
Some couples break up at this stage. Others, experiencing pain and dissatisfaction in relationships, come to the realization that true love is associated with compromise, and instead of withering away in the conflicts that arise, one can find a way out through understanding, warmth and kindness.
Humility (understanding)
Reaching this stage of love means that you now understand your partner much better.
At this stage, couples are in a joyful state, but do not stop making efforts to work on their relationship.
Now both partners accept each other for who they really are, but they should not rest on their laurels. Avoid misunderstandings and continue to get to know each other better.
The stages of love can often bring turmoil into relationships, but if you are aware of their existence, moving from one stage to another will not be such a difficult task for you.
To move to the next stage, accept each other's strengths and weaknesses. You need to focus on the positive, not focus on the negative, and learn about the goals and interests of each of you.
Studying
Once a couple goes through the aforementioned stages of love, all unrealistic expectations tend to disappear.
Each party begins to open up more and more to each other, and there is a clearer understanding of how they can work together effectively in the relationship.
Couples begin to define and clarify their roles in the relationship, as well as their compatibility with each other.
There is a need to resolve certain issues, such as how much time a guy and a girl like to spend together and how long to stay alone, how each party is used to expressing and receiving love, etc.
Once couples can effectively communicate their needs to each other, they will be able to avoid many unpleasant things, such as aggressive behavior, avoidance, criticism, or defensiveness.
Focus instead on understanding, compassion, forgiveness and patience.
Proximity
Next comes the stage of love, when couples become even more immersed in trust, affection and unity with each other.
This is the stage when they experience true intimacy. They support each other even better by giving and receiving love in return.
Ups and downs are an integral part of any relationship. However, the trust and loyalty of both partners will be able to carry them through these troubles without significant obstacles.
At this stage of love, each of you will stop focusing on your own personality and shift your attention to what is best for the relationship.
Now you feel unity, individuality, and love for each other. At the same time, the spirit of unity still prevails, further strengthening your relationship.
At this stage, you feel like an ideal couple. Many lovers may even decide to tie their fate with family ties, since they have come so far.
Doubts
Usually this stage occurs after many years of marriage. You may start thinking about your ex-lovers and past relationships, or start comparing your current partner to your previous ones.
At this stage, much depends on the level of satisfaction with the existing relationship. If you feel dissatisfied and hurt, you tend to blame your partner for it.
You may even start comparing your relationship to other couples in your circle.
But you shouldn’t add fuel to the fire, because you are able to get through this not the most fun stage.
Sexuality
At this stage of love, your intimate life plays a key role. Changes in love preferences are possible when one of you becomes less interested in realizing wild fantasies, or, conversely, wants to do something incredible.
If there is a significant difference in your passions, one of the partners may have an affair.
The key to solving the main problem at this stage is to find creative ways to make your sex life more varied and exciting, thereby strengthening your relationship.
Love
This is the highest stage of a relationship when both partners completely love and trust each other. However, sometimes the complete trust you have developed can cause you to take each other for granted, so be careful.
At this stage of love, you know each other very well, you know what to expect from each other, and you also clearly understand the direction of the relationship.
Even though there is complete bliss and understanding at this stage, do not stop appreciating and respecting your partner because love should be constantly cultivated and developed.
Remember that love is like a plant that needs nourishment to keep it alive.
The Decembrist's wife: follow her husband to the end
History has preserved many beautiful love stories, but the selfless Decembrists are still an example of devotion.
Polish beauty Albina Wisniewska fell in love with her future rebellious husband, exchanging letters with him. When she turned 18, and the girl received an inheritance after the death of her father, Albina decided to leave her mother in order to leave the established European life for the unknown, frightening Muscovy. Her family saw her off crying, as if saying goodbye forever. That’s how it turned out, however.
Her betrothed Vincent Migursky was already living in exile, in the city of Uralsk, Orenburg region. During the uprising of 1830-1831. he served in the 4th Line Infantry Regiment in Warsaw. After the suppression of the uprising he emigrated to France. During a private trip to Radom, he was accidentally arrested by the tsarist authorities, recognized and, by a court verdict, sent as a private to the 1st battalion of the separate Orenburg corps, stationed in Uralsk.
Vincent and Albina got married in 1837. Their firstborn died in infancy, and the same fate befell their second child. They refused to bury the children in the city cemetery, because the Mingurskys were of other faiths. Realizing that happiness could not be found here, they decided to escape. First they staged Vincent’s death, then the “widow” obtained permission to return to her homeland. Having loaded two children's coffins into the carriage and hidden her husband under a bench, the selfless Pole set off. However, a road accident ruined the daring plan. The crew crashed after hitting a rock, Vincent was wounded and exposed.
As punishment, Mingursky was thrown even further into Siberia. Albina followed her husband without a doubt. She died in 1843. She was buried with her little son in a strange Siberian land.
Vincent served for almost 20 more years in Eastern and Western Siberia and was able to return to Warsaw only before his death.
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