The same feminine quality can evoke completely different attitudes in men. Everything happens exactly according to Zhvanetsky: “What a delight they are and what a horror they are fools.” With this approach, it seems that it is impossible to understand male logic, which means that you will have to “cook in girls” for the rest of your days. However, this is not quite true. In fact, the stronger sex has long ago decided on what it doesn’t like, and even on what really scares it. Psychologist Andrei Nikolaev shared with AiF.ru a man's view of the problem of relationships and spoke about five types of women whom the opposite sex tries to avoid.
Woman Controlling
The leader of this rating. This is a powerful lady who knows what, where, when, why she needs to do and persistently shares this knowledge with her partner. Simply put, it completely controls his life, goals and desires. Her attitude towards a man as an individual incapable of anything is usually formed in childhood, in a family with a weak-willed, disrespected father. In adulthood, such a girl will choose men with some potential for weakness. For example, she may have an alcoholic husband, whom she will take care of and keep under her wing or thumb. This need for total control is very frightening to all normal men, for whom relationships should be built on the principle of mutual respect.
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Even if she does not quite accurately understand the nature of the origin of this or that feeling, even if thoughts turn into words spontaneously, but one cannot assume that a woman just invented her negative attitude towards something, or took it from the ceiling, or sucked their finger. There is still a reason, although it may lie very deep. By putting her thoughts into words and sentences, a girl often offends a man. Sometimes in passing and by accident, sometimes on purpose.
Resentment is not an innate human feeling. The ability to be offended appears in people along with coherent speech. A person draws a parallel between a word, gesture or facial expression of another person and his own reaction to it. And he draws some conclusions. Resentment is such a strong feeling that it can emotionally “burn” a person.
Resentment from a woman is painful because it is impossible to call the scoundrel to an adequate response. Well, don’t beat her, really, like a man. Although sometimes my hands itch.
Leonid Provorov, a former host of the popular TV program “Tusovka” and a psychologist in the present, interestingly formulated the emotional background of a man. In his opinion, we want women to perceive us entirely as we are. Without dividing into separate components like: a man-worker, a man-lover, a man-breadwinner or a man-father.
From our feelings, emotions, and sometimes from our complexes, we create a kind of spacesuit for ourselves. Protective shell. We try to maintain it in its entirety so as not to become infected with any unnecessary “diseases”. By offending, the woman makes a hole in this shield, and the long process of restoring the integrity of the shell begins. If there are many such holes, then it is almost impossible for a person to return to the original state.
Unintentional offense on the part of a woman is an indicator of a lack of interest in a man. They do not expect anything from him, do not want anything and do not consider him as an object of desire. There can be no respect or delicacy towards him. In this case, it is not necessary to filter speech and think about what to say. So what if he was offended? The boy is an adult, he will survive, he will not break. And what about feelings, why does she care about other people’s feelings? Yes, none. I would like to deal with my own.
Accidental resentment is very easy to recognize. If a woman, after a sharp statement, loses interest in this topic and continues to go about her business, it means that she simply does not attach any importance to these words, just as the reaction to them does not interest her.
The problem has been put to rest, and the debriefing that follows only irritates her. It is at this moment that she often pronounces the verdict - “not a real man.” He took the blow unsteadily. Lost my breath.
Of course, this gives rise to a desire, if not to take revenge, then at least to prove the opposite. But justification is possible only if a woman has an interest in comparing how it was and how it became. As we see, there is no interest. The problem has no solution, and therefore it is stupid to worry. The best option in this case is to score, forget and not remember.
Anatoly Mariengof in his novel “The Cynics” perfectly depicted such a passing humiliation: - Oh yes, Vladimir... (...) I almost forgot to tell you... (...) I cheated on you today. Olga jumped up from her chair. - What’s wrong with you, Volodya? ...For some reason I couldn’t swallow my saliva. The throat became a narrow, broken straw. - Nothing.
A deliberate insult is a punch in the gut, if not lower. Knowing her character traits, habits and weaknesses, her friend hits very accurately, and for greater effect she backs up her words with deeds. She demonstratively stops talking, turns away, goes to sleep in another room, or kicks the man out of her bed. Particularly warlike girls, having made a small gap in the defense, pick the hole with their nail until they tear the “suit” into pieces. And then they crawl into the soul with their feet, leaving dirty footprints on it and scattering candy wrappers along the way.
Anything can be an object for humiliation or insult. Everyone has a pain point. The most offensive thing for a man, of course, is a woman’s doubts about his sexual abilities.
Although some perceive reproaches of financial insolvency very painfully. But pointing out a defect or problem is not the end result of the offense. Trust in a woman disappears. The bright image collapses, and the man clearly understands that the fairy does not “go” to the potty with violets. And, of course, it’s scary to realize what nasty things a loved one is capable of.
Igor Guberman very accurately noted: There is still much in us that is bestial Remains in each of us, but great Cruelty towards loved ones is a wild gift only to man.
By insulting a woman, she is trying to manipulate a man. She wants to gain control over some part of his emotions and cause them when it suits her. They often carry out similar, but only positive, manipulations during the candy-bouquet period. For example, one friend of mine refused to even kiss on dates and showed with all her appearance that she was not going to share a bed with me, and then at night she sent messages full of tenderness. I was over the moon. This went on for quite a long time until I realized that they were simply making me thinner.
Humiliation has nothing to do with criticism. If criticism is a fresh wind that fills the sails, then insult is a tsunami that wipes out everything beautiful from the face of the earth. And all that remains is the chaos of resentment.
Not legally, but morally, causing offense is a crime. A thief or robber leaves similar feelings in a person’s soul. The only difference is that the offender does not hide his militant intentions. There is only one way to protect yourself - to cultivate in yourself a lack of reaction to insults and humiliation. Our internal dialogue prevents us from getting rid of this. We must learn to stop him.
Feeling that there will be no punishment for the offense, the woman loses orientation in the space of speech, moving further and further away from the shores of reason. You can return it to normal by either breaking up or taking revenge (of course, without physical force). Whether revenge will be above the law is a dilemma each of us will have to deal with on our own.
Woman Courageous
Silver medalist on our list. She also wants to control everything, not only in the family, but also far beyond its borders. Such representatives of the fair sex try to play in male territory, competing for the possession of a priori masculine qualities and attributes of brutality. Often this is a business woman with hypertrophied self-confidence, rigidity and arrogance. They actively demonstrate their superiority in various fields and areas, forcing men to doubt their own abilities, knowledge, skills and masculinity. With such a woman you can get seriously “hurt”, and it’s scary.
Prevention
It is much easier to prevent a disaster than to deal with its consequences:
- First of all, you should never praise her friends or other ladies. Remember: even if you didn't talk bad about her legs, she may be offended if you complimented her friend's legs.
- Carry your beloved in your arms, celebrate a new hairstyle, a beautiful dress, a good lipstick color. Representatives of the fair sex love with their ears - give her compliments and kind words. And always think before you name a woman, so as not to accidentally offend with any word. It is known that a compliment about how beautiful she is today can cause her to ask an internal question: am I usually ugly?
- Pay more attention to the girl, she won’t tolerate you staring at your favorite iPhone while talking to her.
- Give your beloved flowers not only on holidays, but also for no reason, this will give her more positive emotions and fewer reasons for resentment.
- Try to remember all the dates that are important to her, since modern gadgets make it possible to do this very easily.
- Arrange romantic surprises, do it for no reason, and then you will not know how an offended woman behaves.
A woman who doesn't love herself
This is the type of ready victim who lives only for, for the sake of and in the name of someone and is unable to fill himself with his own value. She seems to bear the stigma of rejection and uselessness, formed again in childhood, and tries to compensate for this in the only way available to her - selfless service. As a result, potential partners for such ladies are tyrants and abusers. Men who are not burdened with mental deviations are frightened and repelled by such women. How to love someone you don't need?
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How resentment manifests itself in men and women
The reactions of offended women and men coincide in some ways and differ in others. We suggest looking at them in more detail to understand how to react correctly.
Manifestation of resentment in a man:
The first and most common reaction is to ignore, when a man ignores the entire situation, pretending that nothing happened. At the same time, he closes himself, retires and stops talking. He becomes cold, demonstrating in every possible way pride, inaccessibility, busyness and indifference: “I am impregnable, like a rock, you won’t get to me.”
The next common reaction of a man when he is offended is to go somewhere else so as not to have to explain himself.
Less often, men show resentment through shouting, anger, rage, irritation, and complaints.
And the last stage of manifestation of resentment is alcohol, cigarettes and drugs, virtual games and gambling - that is, addictions.
Without showing his feelings, a man locks all negativity and all grievances inside himself. At the same time, pain and resentment do not go away, but over time they only grow and are fueled. As a result, this leads to heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, cancer, ulcers, prostatitis and even impotence.
For those who want to get rid of grievances - a universal method of getting rid of pain.
Manifestation of resentment in a woman:
The first and most common reaction of a woman is to make complaints: “You don’t understand me, you don’t listen, you don’t support me, you don’t want to be involved in my interests, you don’t want to do something together, etc.” Thus, the woman announces to the man what bothers her, what she does not understand in the relationship.
Often a woman's resentment manifests itself in tears.
Also, women often close themselves off, retire and remain silent, digesting what happened. They demonstrate inaccessibility and indifference in every possible way: “Don’t come near me, I’m offended,” “I’m cold as an iceberg, and there’s no warmth for you in me,” so that the man feels guilty.
Some women, offended, engage in endless watching of melodramas, reading romance novels, etc.
Less often, complete ignoring of a man is included.
And very rarely - eating a grudge.
Offended woman
It ranks fourth in our ranking. She was once greatly traumatized by relationships with the opposite sex, so she goes through life with the motto “all men are assholes.” Such a woman will begin to broadcast such an attitude already on the first date, where she will behave rather reservedly and mostly remain silent, but the essence of her silent “message” will reach the addressee. Why is such a lady dangerous? She tends to hide and suppress her grievances, but the moment of the big explosion will come, and the degree of its destructiveness cannot be predicted. It can be scary. Well, besides, it’s difficult to build a relationship with someone who considers you an asshole.
What destroys relationships. Exit
One of the most important conditions for an ecological way out of grievances in a relationship is the recognition that I am offended, that I do not understand something in the relationship, that I do not accept it. Then it is important to take the next step and stop manipulating the resentment and using it to achieve your personal benefits.
On topic: What are the benefits of grievances?
And finally, want to correct the situation, find a way out that is favorable for both. Stop doing things that are sure to cause an offensive reaction.
It is important to take into account the main nuances of male and female psychology:
- A man's attention is always primarily directed to external actions.
- A woman’s attention is always primarily directed to internal work and internal changes.
How can men respond to women’s grievances so that the situation is resolved quickly and simply:
It is important to pay attention to a woman's feelings. Listen to her carefully and with participation, without interrupting or expressing your opinion. It's best to be silent and look into her eyes. Be sure to hug, caress like a little girl, tell about your love, how stupid, smart and beautiful she is. One does not contradict the other in the female worldview.
It is important to be wiser and not react to all her claims and hurtful words, not to take it personally as a man. Because a woman who is offended is always inadequate. When she is offended, it is not the soul and spirit that speaks in her, but a mask - a mug, which, with the help of offensive words, tries to cling to a similar mug (program) inside a man. If he turned on and fell for it, it means he was hooked and also offended. It is important to be stronger and wiser than women’s resentment, and not to be fooled by women’s weaknesses.
How women can properly respond to male grievances:
Show respect by agreeing with everything he says and under no circumstances contradict him, do not give advice or offer help. It is advisable to nod your head, confirming agreement, and look devotedly into the eyes during a conversation.
It is important not to react to all his insults and hurtful words, not to take it personally. Because a man who is offended is always inadequate. It is not his soul and spirit that speaks in him, but a mask - a mug, which, with the help of offensive words, tries to cling to a similar mug (program) inside a woman.
Cook what he likes and feed him delicious food when he returns. Caress, rub your back or give a relaxing massage.
*****
Naturally, all this will not eradicate the cause of resentment and conflict, but it will also not allow it to develop into a break in relations.
In order to prevent such situations from appearing or to be minimal in relationships, it is important to work with yourself, cleansing the soul and subconscious of pain and resentment. After all, they accumulate in everyone from a very early age and begin with grievances against oneself, father and mother, moving into relationships with women and men in adulthood.
An excellent pupil
Completes the top 5 most intimidating types of women. It would seem that what’s scary about a good girl who strives to do everything perfectly? It's scary not being able to live up to it. Such standardization of actions, thoughts and words is truly frightening. Firstly, because a person cannot be ideal, which means there is a certain accumulated potential of unrealized incorrect qualities, and someday it will come out. And secondly, this “Miss Impeccable” has a mother! You will also have to enter into a relationship with her - and this is not the most rosy prospect.
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PS: Men feel everything
Remember the movie What Women Want?, where Mel Gibson's suddenly gains the ability to hear women's thoughts, and he is shocked by the discovery that women are constantly worried about something. Anxiety lives in all of us, but these five types have pumped it up to a “high level.” This is how they respond to the main fears of their lives, shaped by the conditions of their upbringing and social environment. The fear of losing control of life gives rise to the controlling type. The fear of being weak is courageous. Fear of rejection - a woman who does not love herself. Fear of getting burned in a relationship - offended. Fear of making a mistake is an excellent student. Women simply camouflage all these fears with certain images, but men cannot be deceived, they feel them.
What destroys relationships
Any destruction of relationships begins with misunderstanding, which gradually turns into non-acceptance of the situation or any qualities of a person. The next stage is open or closed - a form of conflict that is not externally manifested.
At the heart of any conflict of misunderstanding and non-acceptance is resentment. But what destroys relationships is not even the resentment itself, but what men and women do on its basis, the way they show it towards each other.
What are men and women offended by?
There is something in relationships that is equally valuable for both men and women. And there are things that are important for men, but do not have the same meaning for women, and vice versa. It is these differences that people react to most.
A man gets offended when:
Feels and sees mistrust and control towards himself on the part of women. When he is told what and how to do correctly.
Feels inattention, which manifests itself through the woman’s coldness and indifference to his words and deeds - work. When he regularly does not receive affectionate touches, but is denied sex.
He is faced with disrespect for himself, which a woman shows by criticizing his ideas, actions, etc. It doesn’t matter whether together or in front of others, a man is equally hurt by any criticism. And also the lack of praise for what has been done and recognition of his merits.
There is no support for his views, opinions, ideas and actions.
His expectations are not met.
A woman gets offended when:
Feels and sees inattention towards himself: to changes in appearance, prepared food, feelings, words. When she feels indifference and coldness, when a man rarely hugs her.
She feels disrespect towards herself, which manifests itself through ignoring household chores and worries on the part of the man - disrespect for the woman who is the housewife. When she hears swearing and rudeness in her presence towards others and towards her. When she is criticized in front of other people.
She faces humiliation when a man allows himself to be rude, shout, curse and insult her. When he humiliates her with his words and actions, cheats, betrays her feelings, faith and trust.
Her expectations are not met.
