How I managed to survive the death of my mother, what helped more: advice from a priest/psychologist or the experience of people who have experienced grief

Words of condolences on the death of a mother
The death of a mother is a tragic event for any person. Even if your mother passed away at an old age, it is quite difficult to survive the loss. After all, the closest person to whom we remained a child, despite gray hair and wrinkles, died.

We can say that saying goodbye to your mother is saying goodbye to your childhood and the child in yourself. Therefore, it is very difficult to find words of consolation for a person who has lost his mother.

Parental departure hurts at any age: is it possible to prepare, stages of acceptance?

A person grows up and then grows old. Relatives do not notice the moment when these changes have already happened. My mother was not sick and remained active. She died of a heart attack very quickly. At that moment, I was already a mature, accomplished person with my family (husband, children). But her death still took me by surprise. I just stopped breathing for a moment. It was that hard.

After a while, I analyze my behavior at the moment of receiving terrible news, I see that the reaction is always the same: in childhood, in the period of maturity and even in my own old age. It doesn't matter how old you are. The pain of losing a mother is equally strong, because this is the closest person, she remains like that throughout her life. There is no way to prepare for something like this, no matter how much training you take.

While you read such words, you think that you will definitely have time to prepare, because there is still a lot of time. But this is a misconception. I suggest focusing on ways to help yourself in difficult times. First, it is necessary to consider the stages that a person goes through after terrible news:

1 THE FIRST REACTION IS UNPREDICTABLE. It varies and depends on the person’s temperament, character, and also on the degree of his openness and closeness with the deceased. It happens that a mother does not allow her to live her life, but her son/daughter is reserved and, due to the circumstances, has a closed character. As a result, the reaction to death is as follows: detachment and coldness appear—protection from severe pain. Other people, on the contrary, react loudly and emotionally to such an event: they cry, scream.

2 ANGER AND RESULT. Strong emotions are looking for a way out. When I worked with my psychologist, he said that if this does not happen through tears, then anger and resentment often appear. This reaction is also due to character traits. A person is looking for someone to blame in order to unleash the power of his pain through hatred. He may blame other people or himself for the death of his mother, and be offended by his mother for leaving her. In the most severe cases, a person does not stop and takes revenge. This is the path to destruction. The situation is aggravated by a change in the financial situation, which can be caused by the death of a woman.

3 FEELING OF GUILT In the previous case, grief forced me to look for an outlet for emotions outside. Then the focus is on one’s own mistakes made when communicating with the mother. This does not allow you to calm down and let go of your loved one. Blaming oneself often leads to an increase in the intensity of pain, which manifests itself not only in mental but also physical pain. At this stage, it is difficult to pull yourself together, cope with emotions, stop tears, and start doing something.

4 ACCEPTANCE AND REORGANIZATION Often the emotional state changes naturally when a person fully experiences all the feelings at each stage. As the psychologist said, disruption of this process requires further adjustment of the psychological state. But those who have gotten rid of negative experiences still manage to improve their lives. The recovery process is long. It is impossible to predict how long it will take to reorganize life in each individual case.

Yulia Rubleva, psychologist, about how things are with the experience of grief in our society:

“I hear the same thing from clients all the time - “I was forbidden to cry.” They tell me how “Dad died, but I didn’t cry.” Why? “I had to hold on and support my mother.” All these stories have the same consequences: as a rule, it is depression of varying degrees of severity and a lack of resources for the present, since they, like treasures in a chest, are buried in the past. In our culture, valor is not noticing very strong feelings. Undoubtedly, this is due to the country's wild, violent history in the last century. But now is peacetime, and the survival strategies are still the same, military ones. It is customary to experience the death of loved ones courageously, calm faces at funerals are considered correct, crying is shameful, and howling out loud (which is the most healing and correct thing for a loss of such magnitude) is impossible.”

I found out that I was actually in grief 1.5 years later. I got into a hot air balloon accident, survived, and when they brought me, lying down, home to Moscow, I needed the help of a psychotherapist - I could not sleep, all the time “remembering with my body” the moment I hit the ground.

When we dealt with post-traumatic syndrome, question number two arose. I said: “I don’t have a bright memory of my mother, I want to correct this situation.”

After that session, I started crying and cried for many hours every day for a week. Dad was surprised: they turned to a psychologist for help to make things easier, but his daughter was hysterical.

Then it seemed that what was hidden under drugs, alcohol, phenazepam, adrenaline, sex and the “celebration of life” sobbingly came out of me.

Yulia Rubleva, psychologist:

“The most important thing, the most difficult thing is to admit that you need time and a break. That you fell, but you can’t get up. That it hurts you so much that you can no longer pretend that nothing is happening. And here it is important and necessary to allow yourself not to be a good fellow, not to hold on. You need to allow yourself to cry. Lie with your nose to the wall. Hit your fist on the table.

To say “I’m alive, I devoted years to his illness, and now I want to live.”

Saying “I’m angry that you died and left us alone.”

Say “I miss you so much, I miss you so much, I’m crying for you”.

Where do problems with clear memory come from and what are “bad and good mothers”?

My mother drank - it was such a semi-bohemian lifestyle that led to illness, addiction - this topic also worries me very much, and I am preparing material on it.

The scale of the addiction became clear only when, after 40 days, I came to sort out her things, and empty vodka bottles fell from the closet and from the blouses onto the floor.

A year before her death, she was diagnosed with liver disease and was banned from everything. She didn't last long and told her beloved man that she didn't want to live with such restrictions. And eventually she reached the stage when, when I came to visit her, I saw her in delirium tremens.

My most beautiful, gentle, smartest, most talented mother.

Children should not see their mothers in this state.

To realize and accept that it was her choice, her fate, her illness, and that you are not to blame for anything, and she is also not to blame for anything, it almost happened only now, at my 42 years old.

And then, all my life, I had complaints and resentments towards her, and a lack of answers to a sea of children’s, women’s, and various questions, and accusations, and a feeling of guilt - for the fact that all this comes out, and not a bright memory.

Because after my uncle, my mother’s younger brother, also died, my grandparents and their parents, who lost both children, became very bad. And no one was particularly interested in how I felt there. I had to stop being a granddaughter, change roles with them, and day after day, for five years, carry their black hole with me.

Thank you for your support, dad, but my resource then ran out, and then, after they left, I recovered – physically and mentally – for another five years.

By the way, a feeling of relief when loved ones pass away, who had a difficult time leaving or with whom it was difficult during life - this also happens and is also normal. Another feeling that simply exists, and you don’t need to forbid yourself and scold yourself for being “callous.”

We are living people, and we contain the whole spectrum of emotions.

And I don’t go to funerals anymore - there were 10 of them in 12 years, two of which I arranged myself. Since then I say goodbye to people mentally, but I don’t want and can’t be close to death.

Advice from a psychologist: how effective is specialist help?

As time passed, feelings and emotions replaced each other. Pain, resentment, and aggression appeared. These shifts were often accompanied by apathy, which threatened to turn into depression. I understand that a person, not knowing how to come to terms with the death of his mother, rushes from one extreme to another. You need the help of a psychologist so as not to lose touch with reality when things get really bad. I want to share the advice that I once received from a specialist.

Help for depression

Humility often comes with time, and before that it is necessary to learn to live in a new capacity, when the feeling of guilt after the death of a loved one is very great. From my own experience, I can say that it is difficult to mark the date or period when acceptance of the situation came. It happened gradually. Actions that helped:

1 AFTER DEATH, A PERSON WANTS TO FILL UP THE GAPS: to say something that was not said, to share something intimate, but there is no one with anyone, to support, and time is lost. At this moment, it would be good if someone appeared who would remind you that you can do all this, but mentally, giving gratitude and love not to the person (body), but to his soul. This practice should help. The person becomes calmer because he finds an outlet for his feelings, feels useful and important to the deceased.

2 IT IS NECESSARY TO BELIEVE THAT THE DECEASED SEE US. Then the one remaining on earth will begin to live in such a way that the deceased is proud of him: he will return to work, will be engaged in business.

3 BLIGHT MEMORY OF MOM. When they say that after the death of a loved one, an emptiness remains in the soul, I disagree. After all, love for him, memory does not disappear. This is still stored in the soul, as I can judge from my experience. It is necessary to learn to maintain such a state without external manifestations, this is more difficult, because it is easier to give love to a living person - he can return it in return. But this is already self-interest. If we learn to love without expecting, without demanding anything in return, without even seeing the person, then we will not lose anything; on the contrary, we can gain more - the ability to love stronger, not to depend on external things.

Such actions will stimulate activity, bring new meaning, because everything old has already gone, which partly fueled bitterness - lack of understanding of how to live on, why.

Woman in grief

How to cope with loss

Sometimes a long search for a way out of a situation does not bring results, and a randomly spoken word or action falls on fertile soil, which contributes to the emergence of new strength, energy, and the desire to live. It's all individual. I will now present several theses, one of which helped me personally. Moreover, I will not say which one, because any of them can be useful to every person:

there is no need to put yourself within time limits: the pain will go away when the time comes, this period is different for everyone;
you should not try to suppress feelings, avoid living them, because any such action will lead to the fact that the true emotional state will make itself felt; by living the feelings, you can quickly return to normal life;
after the death of the mother, it is impossible to fill this part of the soul, no one can take its place, so it is better not to try to look for such a person, it will not bring relief;
you cannot hold back tears, they help release pain;
it is necessary to remember that life does not end with the death of a loved one; such tests should be passed without renouncing everything that the person previously believed in (religion, God, the love of other people).

There are many tips on how to get out of depression after the death of your mother and find a new meaning in life. But it is important to understand that each person has their own pain points and recovery mechanisms. Universal advice does not help everyone; you need to find your own path that brings relief.

How to let go

Longing for my mother, who is no longer there, eats me from the inside and does not allow me to live fully. My thoughts constantly returned to the questions: what would she say or do, but this is a return to the past, which does not allow me to move on. After all, the people around, including family members, continued to live, supported me as best they could, but did not look like the ghosts from the past that I myself had become. When I was able to talk with a psychologist, the first thing I took away from the conversation was:

I need to visit the cemetery: I was at the funeral, I saw my mother dead, but, apparently, at that time my consciousness did not fully perceive the situation, after a while you can go to the grave, talk to mom, this will sober up, give you the opportunity to live in reality;
It is recommended to write letters: this way you can say everything that has not been expressed, make a promise to achieve old, long-forgotten goals, set new tasks in order to give yourself an incentive to move on, if only for the sake of the memory of your mother, the promise given to her to live and achieve heights.

Conquer guilt

A person can direct his pain externally or internally. In the first case, it comes out in the form of anger, in the second, it destroys a person with a feeling of guilt. I was once led into a dead end by my own thoughts, because I literally ate myself, regretting that I had not talked to my mother on the day of her death, perhaps I would have noticed some signs of incipient heart problems.

The feeling of guilt towards the deceased mother receded after repeated consultations with a psychologist. One day he said what I needed to hear then: it is necessary to allow yourself to live in spite of what happened, because it is impossible to predict the further course of events.

This means that I did not allow myself to survive the death of a loved one, I thought that I was to blame, I needed to be punished somehow. And since no one would take it, I played the role of a tormentor.

We apologise

When a person dies, it seems that we will never see him again. We all have moments that we don’t want to remember or need to ask for forgiveness (grievances, insults, lack of help). After death, all principles disappear somewhere, the framework in which we tried to put other people disappears. A feeling of guilt remains, and after it comes the need to talk to your loved one again - to ask for forgiveness. But how to do this, because you can’t bring the person back. In fact, people, and also our mothers, do not die, they just stop being around, but we can talk to them in different ways:

conversation before going to bed, when there is a feeling of peace, silence sets in, no one bothers you;
conversation with the priest (suitable for believers, but most often in difficult moments most people, even atheists, remember God).

Help with self-torture: exaggerated feelings of guilt

Sometimes after death the guilt increases so much that a person ceases to see reality. This is a pathological process in which words can no longer help. Even the support of loved ones will not give results, because the person sincerely believes that the death of his mother was his fault, considers himself worthless, worthy of death.

This is already a dangerous situation, because the person withdraws, the pathology develops at enormous speed - he continues to blame himself, think about death. You need to contact a specialist.

Such people, not finding confirmation of their guilt from others, can die of their own free will or become aggressive and avoid society.

MAME (poems in single file dedicated to the memory of mother)

NO FAVORITES NEAR

in memory of my mother and sister

What a rainy and sad autumn you are, there are tears on the branches, the same ones on the eyelashes. There are no loved ones nearby, as if they never lived at all, their souls, their kind faces have disappeared somewhere.

Those who loved me so deeply, raised me and cared for me, and constantly forgave me, have disappeared. I would give everything to have my loved ones nearby, but what about my sacrifices? They didn't decide anything.

But time doesn’t heal, it only takes you further, I just can’t let go, even though I promised it more than once. And the rainy autumn is crying with me today, in which I have lost my loved ones forever.

The soul curled up into a sad little ball from separation, as there are so many losses in this mortal earthly whirlwind. On a granite stone, all life is a small dash,

I BECAME MORE LIKE YOU How are you, mom, in that faraway land? You must be lonely without us. But I never said goodbye to you, even though I let you go last spring.

I can’t, but the pain is unquenchable, as if it’s still tied by an umbilical cord. I know my heart doesn’t want to let go, I’m talking to you on a sleepless night.

I compose poems for you, my love, I remember your eyes and hands. There, outside the window, the birches stand, sad... And with age, the tears have become so close.

I have become more like you, my grandchildren call me grandmother too. Only the eldest by name regrets and doesn’t want to believe that I’m getting old too.

It’s freezing outside, powder is blowing, and I’m worried about everyone: people and cats. I crumble the pigeons from the balcony, admiring each little birdie.

Like you once were. Dear, dear, I miss you very much too. And even time, which is inexorable, cannot erase the memory of loved ones.

TO MY MOMMY We lose our loved ones, we become a little soul, and I want to howl like a dog or a wolf. And howl. But what's the point now, they won't come back, they can't breathe.

And time does not heal and the memory is fresh, you hold their letters with postcards in the palm of your hand. And the heart remembers the beloved smile, - Mommy, mother... and the lips tremble.

Comes in dreams, but there is no way to hug. - How are you, dear, in eternal silence? Now your time flows endlessly. And again I’m worried about losing her.

Only a memory, not a drop of hope for a miracle. What hope? Humble yourself, give me peace... But, God, where does this come from in your heart? All sensible thoughts and thoughts have dried up.

Call, don’t call, the paths here are not eternal, this is the course of our life... Farewells, alas, do not promise a return, cry, calm down, humble yourself, let go...

MOM, HOW ARE YOU?

Mom, how are you in the forgotten land? We have been separated from you for eight years. I remember the past with longing, your hands, your smile.

It’s autumn again, the eve of the Intercession, you left in the morning, didn’t say goodbye... Also in the puddles the foliage turned golden, the winds exposed the trees.

How are you, mom? Even though time has passed, I can’t help but accept and come to terms with it. A repentant heart knocks, as if separation from you is hard.

I couldn’t resist, and I didn’t have time to ask much. Oh, how I would like to return time so that I can hug you more often.

There are fresh flowers on the grave, you know how much I miss you. With each autumn, your image melts, time quietly erases your features.

I WILL DROP YOUR HANDKIELD OVER MY SHOULDERS

The gloomy autumn disturbed my heart to its very depths. The leaves are spinning among the pines, among the thin rowan friends. How thin their branches are. It was not Indian summer today. Dawns bloom in the fogs, and rains flood the gardens.

Hidden strings of the soul, I don’t hold back my tears and don’t hide them. I’m crying about you, my mommy, the wind is drying up my tears. Well, by the way, it’s not necessary, let it flow along with the pain, it will be easier. I’ll throw your scarf over my shoulders, you warm me with love. I remember my childhood, I’m sad, I always dream of you young. You hug and are very afraid that I will let you go forever. Six steps to my home corner, exhausted, very tired. Mom, did you break up with us, did you die forever? Forgive me for crying again, I disturbed your peace again. How harsh the earthly lot is, how painful it is to lose loved ones.

THE SHARE OF OUR EXISTENCE

Where time no longer rushes, only memory turns pages. Also, the snow melts under the birch trees and mischievous drops knock.

Two steps away from the desired spring, from the unfolded chestnut leaves, in the blue haze of damp fog, the silver of silence will ring.

And it will remind you of that time, of your warm and gentle hands. Do you remember the little white snowdrop that bloomed under our window?

You fed the pigeons with millet, they cooed so much over the window! Streams ran along the asphalt, and a sparrow chirped in the garden.

Silence will lull the pain, you are not with us, but it seems close. There, in the monastery of the Garden of Eden, an unearthly spring will bloom.

The share of our existence... Pain cannot be healed by time, I know. I still miss you, mom, my dear mom. BEHIND THE THIN TULLE ON THE CARVED WINDOW

I often dream of this strange dream, How I enter through the gate of a friend Into the spring courtyard of a melancholy house, Where apple trees bloom on all sides.

There at the threshold, lying on the sand, The neighbor's cat warms its back in the sun, A spider weaves a web on the branches, Swinging in it like in a light hammock.

The sun sets at sunset, In the window, behind the light snow-white tulle, I see my mother, her beloved, tender gaze, She looks at me with a smile.

I will enter the house, here every step is familiar, And nothing about the past is forgotten: The polka dot tablecloth that is set on the table, Three Viennese chairs, a kettle with a whistle.

A carved bookcase against the wall, two old, yellow, striped armchairs. Now all this is in that heavenly land, Once upon a time in childhood everything was earthly.

In the corner by the door is my mother’s bed, A picture with forget-me-nots is above it... And there is no soul more beloved and dearer, I rush to the kitchen to hug her,

-2-
But I don’t find her anywhere, the door is open, the sunset ray is in the hallway.
I’ll go out into the garden, carefully close the door of the house, and wander between the apple trees. For hundreds of miles there is deafening silence, Oh, how my heart languishes with memory. I don’t know how much longer I will dream about this unforgettable spring?

And every time I leave the garden, I know that I will return here for the light! The garden will bloom, and summer will come there, With neon threads of rain.

Let this dream come to me again, I will enter the garden, we will meet eyes... I want to see my mother’s beloved gaze Behind the thin tulle on the carved window.

I WILL LET YOU GO...

In the spring, the apple trees will fill the garden with dope, I will open my palm - fly, fly, fly... You come less often in dreams, but your heart remembers the image, The winds have been singing for a long time - let them go free!

You wave your wing at me, flying higher and higher, and a tear will roll down my cheek. Fly! I can’t stand it, I still miss kind and dear and affectionate eyes.

In the spring, not now, I won’t decide everything, however. Even though I know, I still have to let go. It will be easier for us this way, I will stop crying, After all, we are destined to be separated by fate.

And you, flying high, will circle above the earth, Not a single soul will be lost from God. Fly to the palace of Love, my love is with you, Let the blue sky close around you!

WHERE YOU ARE NO LONGER The trees dropped their last leaves, A gust of wind tore them from the branches. Those sunrises were getting colder, And the grass on the ground was getting grayer.

An extinct leaf, numb in the wind, sadly fell like a timid butterfly. That day my heart felt lonely, When you left quietly in the morning.

The candle went out, burning to the bottom, How heavy, how great the loss. I still don’t believe that you don’t exist, But I understand it, I have to accept it.

October will cry with rain, mourning, When that memorable date comes. I understand that there is no turning back, To earthly life, where you no longer exist.

The wind will again stir up the leaves, He will tear them all down again in autumn. Beloved ones, they do not die, They will live in our hearts all the time!

We walk through the valley of sorrow on earth, Our old mothers are leaving... But we don’t believe, we are stubborn in love, And our hearts cry in the fall with the rain. IT'S ALL FOR TIME IN THIS WORLD Time is slowly running out on all the people of the earthly valley. Our life's path is short, each one carries his own burden.

Whether you are rich or poor, kind or greedy, holy or sinful, time seeks its sacrifice, and our departure is inconsolable.

In the meantime, we live in the world, save, suffer, get sick. We are making plans for a century, slowly getting older.

Everything is temporary in this world, everything moves silently. Quietly, imperceptibly, the clouds leave the sky.

Moments will disappear, everyone is in the power of God, captive... Only the appearance of possession of this temporary and perishable.

AND I STILL DON’T BELIEVE I still don’t believe that I won’t see my mother again. I know that death is not a sentence, the Lord's day is getting closer and closer.

He promised and He will come and open the curtain of heaven. He will call us with Him, and all our loved ones will be resurrected!

The day of the Lord will come like a thief! I just wish I could resist and wait. No one will die, we will not be separated from anyone. To Mommy

If only I could hold you, if only this loss would pass by... Where can I now, dear, find you, so that I can hear your beloved voice?

If only I could pray for you, you would be there and not get sick. Only the memory is with me, I continue to love, that’s all I can do.

TIME DOES NOT HEAL

Again the line runs with a tear, I still miss you. I pour tea into your mug with a sprig of sakura on the sides.

An abyss of separation, a dull pain, a wound that does not heal over the years. Memory stubbornly leads to the past, with each spring love grows stronger.

The night of shadows is filled with sighs, and again I leaf through time like a book. I remember your tender hands, the separation is getting longer and longer.

Life goes on, it’s dawn again, but there’s no escape from sadness. I carry a bright memory under my heart, time does not heal, I know, no.

Today you come to dreams less often; life under Heaven has its own laws. And on the grave a snowdrop bush opened its buds, a gift of spring.

THE NIGHT LIGHTS ITS STARS Lord, I don’t ask: - bring me back, I know that someday I will meet Mom again. Like birds, the days fly by, and the years too, from dawn to evening.

The night lights up its stars, Maybe one of them, the brightest one, is Mom? You don’t answer, you’re silent, Or maybe that one over there, barely noticeable?

No, I don’t recognize her now, In the blue, distant space of milkiness. Eternal memory in my heart, with God it is worthy of eternity.

My heart is still bleeding, the wound on my heart is big and painful. She looks so sad from the photo, is silent... The kindest, the best.

IT'S A PITY THAT YOU CAN'T HEAR ME

Crosses and gloomy graves. And the pine trees that keep peace... On the stone is your kind image, So dear and dear to the heart.

Dear, how are you doing without us? Alone, worried, bored... You don’t meet your beloved dawn, You don’t open your gray eyes.

Birches, braids above you, Fluffy foliage has woken up... You know, spring has returned to us, And the sky is a blue shroud!

You are behind the tears, behind the melancholy, Under the weight of the earth, you can’t breathe... What a pity that you don’t hear me, I won’t disturb your peace.

I won’t disturb you, rest from all worries, sorrows and pain... God protects all souls with Love, Silence is your present land.

Silence. Only the songs of the birds and the gentle tenderness of the wind... Separation, how inevitable you are! All the pain cannot be described in words.

NO, THE SCARED ON THE HEART DOES NOT CUT...

Mom, mom... Thoughts and words, What I didn’t tell you during my life... Well, why did you leave so early? Here in the house your warmth is gone.

Oh, mom, these tears are in my eyes. Sadness, melancholy, pages torn... And outside the window all the trees are in tears, And it seems that the birds have fallen silent.

But I remember the touch of gentle hands, And the warmth of the cheek that I kissed... Oh, the pain of loss, oh the sadness of separation, Only you, dear, understood me.

I’ll write you a letter there, Although I understand that all these are mirages... I haven’t seen you for a long time! Well, where are you, in the edge of what world?

No, the scar on my heart does not scar, Don’t tell me, no, I don’t believe it... And only in a dream I suddenly call: “Mom...” I wake up and quietly cry over the loss.

LETTER TO MOMMY How are you, Mom, there, in the land of separation, Beyond the heavenly and earthly border? What do you dream about far from home, and what trees are around? There, carnal pain does not bother you, You only worry about us with your soul... You often remember earthly days, Your heart still holds love.

Don’t be sad, everything is fine with us, thank God, He protects! We miss you, dear, Another year of separation has passed. I'll ask if you can't hear my voice. All your worries and sorrows are forever, forever silent, and your soul becomes close to silence.

You know, mom, forgive me for being disobedient at times, and indifferent to your advice, and often stumbling along the way. And now I would give everything, So as not to hurt you, my beloved, It’s a pity that much cannot be corrected, Only words of repentance.

-2-
And it’s winter here, a deserted yard.
Light snow flies onto the birches. Here I am writing and brushing away my tears, I still miss you. How are you there, dear, how are you living? We haven't seen each other for a long time. Silence is now your friend, Only in a dream will you come to meet me. Do you remember the fragile little chestnut tree that you and I planted in the spring? They thought that he froze in winter, but now he is a magnificent giant! Don’t be sad, my love, just know, We haven’t forgotten about you at all, We recently visited the grave, How sad the unforgettable land is.

You are not dead, you are just sleeping, Resting in an eternity of peace. Here I am sitting, sharing my longing with you, as if you were sitting here next to me. The look of your loved ones, kind gray eyes, warm palms like the sun... The heart remembers every wrinkle, How many years ago, but it seems like now. The snow fell more and more heavily, Like moths, snowflakes beat against my glass... and tears flow, flow... About my beloved mother.

IT'S SPRING FOR US It's spring, streams of melt water, You loved and waited for April so much... Oh, how beautiful the blue sky is, The ringing drops sparkle in the sun.

Darling, don’t be bored without us, God will wipe away your tears... We are very sad without you now, do you hear? The angel sings softly...

We will meet there - beyond the earth's borders! We live, keeping your image in our memory. The Angel protects your peace... We will meet, my beloved!

EVERYTHING HERE WILL SURVIVE YOU

Year after year goes by, And this year will sink into the past. Only memory is eternal, it will not die, And in it you are here, you are next to us.

What are you thinking about now, what are your hopes? Suddenly, you quietly open the door... And you smile at me as before.

Walk around the house, opening all the windows for a through wind. Having released the cat from the balcony, you will go away to meet your sunrises.

Everything here will outlive you, the chestnut tree growing under the balcony, the earth’s sunset, its sunrise, and the stars beyond the horizon.

Throwing on your shawl, I will sigh, I will warm myself with your warmth... And for a long, long time I will not fall asleep, And I will not wash away my sad tears.

I recognize you everywhere, Everything here in the house reminds me... Your kind smile, And your heart that misses us.

LET IT BE YOUR BREATH The pine tree at your grave has spread out its lush crown. I covered your eternal peace with my green needles.

The winds rustle the leaves, How long have you been away from us... Oh, dear, I won’t hide my tears, I’ll wash my soul with tears

The valley of human sorrows, Crosses and kind faces... And we miss you, The years flow by in a string.

The pine tree with its roots grows into you with life... Let it be your days, greet the dawn for you.

Let it be your breath, Unspoken words... Let it be your silence, Above our heads.

WHITE BIRD In the blue sky, a white bird flew away to distant lands... I know it was you who flew above me, my beloved Mommy.

In the spring, your fragile first snowdrop awakens. You flew over this forest like a dove and gave us your tenderness.

The braids of the birch trees hang over your shoulders, It’s your hands that caress, Drops of crystal tears are dripping, It’s your heart that’s bored.

The sun gives warmth without measure, Warms us, hugs us... I remember your kind gray eyes, How we miss you...

I keep looking at the sky, the blue distances, White Dove, where are you? High up the birds shouted: Your mother is in the heavens with the Lord!

THREE ROSES

It's spring, but the frosts are in no hurry to leave their cold power. I’ll put three roses on a white hill, And stand silently among the birches...

March is sad, she cries with us drop by drop, I remember how you loved flowers... But the pain of loss has not gone away over the years, it still seems that you are somewhere nearby.

Yes, and without us you are bored, lonely... We don’t know whether you see there or not, How the sun rises from the east, The dawn crumbles into the dawn.

It’s the eighth of March, and it’s freezing here... You come to me in my dreams less and less often. And roses lie in the snow and freeze to my beloved mother on Women's Day of spring.

TOUCH THE RAW EARTH

I touch the damp earth, the rain cries with tears... Smile, my dear, with kind eyes.

The wind fluffed up the branches, did not disturb your sleep... Under the crosses the pain is in silence, Souls rest.

I will touch the forget-me-nots with a trembling hand... I will not hide my sadness from you, I will not hide my tears.

Silence fell from the heavens, Sleep, my dear... The forest rustles with leaves, The song is composing melancholy...

THE SOUL MOURNS

There are wreaths, luxurious bouquets, Granite and marble and fences in silver... Beautiful portraits look into your eyes and smile tenderly at you. Oh, how many of them there are - both young and old, A sad city of human memory, There are graves of even the smallest here... Here the heart is filled with longing. I’m going to my beloved mother, the leaves of the birches are swayed by the breeze, I’m going through destinies, dark valleys, to visit the kindest one for an hour. My soul grieves, my heart hurts. Dear, hello, my dear! Now you can’t say a kind word, But I would like to hear it! I miss what is dearest to me: And kind eyes and warm, gentle hands, And your golden heart, How lonely everything around me has become! I'm sorry, my love, I wish I could get back the time, The time that I didn't give you. How sad my memory is, the words of repentance are on my heart. You're not around, it's a mistake for eternity! Your spirit is with God, but I feel lonely. Cold marble, and your smile, And the sad breeze in silence.

TO MY MOMMY

The sun is shining - you are in it! Your light has not gone out! You warm us with your gentle, gentle warmth.

The chirping of birds in the spring is the song of your soul, You wake up at dawn in the morning silence.

In the river you run through the meadows with clear water, At night you burn like a bright star in the sky!

That star is your soul, the light of Christ’s Love, Like a good bride, pure in fidelity.

The flowers are awakening, the rye is turning golden, You will come to visit us like a light cloud from above.

Don’t be sad alone without us and don’t cry like rain... Tears are dripping from your eyes like light silver...

Don’t be sad, the hour will come and the Lord will come! He will gather all of Christ together again!

The leaves of the tree rustle, your voice is heard... You are always alive for us, sleep, the Lord is with you!

MOTHER'S PRAYER

A mother's prayer is priceless, constant and strong. The Lord will certainly hear, Because she prays with her heart. In her prayer there is a wonderful light of the Love and tenderness of Christ... And the life of an eternally resurrected soul, a soul that is sacrificial, is pure. Bless, Lord, have mercy! The children he gave! I pray as long as I have the strength, and even if I don’t have the strength. Cover My children with your mighty wings from worldly troubles, Let the flame of their faith not go out, Keep them safe on all their roads. Let their eyes shine with kindness. Love always lives in their hearts. Let the Word of Truth be acquired, And the mind protect the soul! Anoint Yourself with divine oil forever, so that, in reverence before You, they will follow the path of salvation. Mother's prayers are priceless They fly to the Throne of God, They are hidden with Love, They know no barriers!

LOVE AND TIME WITHOUT REGARDING Love and time without sparing, Love fathers and mothers!
They darlings are getting old. Give them kind words more often. Oh, how sad they are sometimes, they miss you and yearn for you. They look out the window, into the empty distances, and mentally picture the meeting. Like photographs in an album, they gently wipe with the palm of your hand... And they remember your very first step, And they experience the meeting in their dreams. Don’t forget their loved ones, Give them Love during their lifetime!
Come visit them more often, hurry to see them, always hurry! SEPARATION PAIN, WHAT IS EVEN WORSE

Separation pain, what’s even worse! Bouquets on snow-covered graves... I cry over the losses of friends, But, God, I am unable to console them.

Oh, Lord, cover and embrace, Comfort them Yourself, touch Hot tears with Your palm... And return life to their hearts, Warm all those who cry with Your Love.

Forgive me, I don’t know the words at all, Apparently I’m a useless comforter... And You touch the poems with your hand, You’re close here, and you’re breathing quietly.

You stand, silent, with You and I am silent. And I will also be silent with my friends nearby... I will cling with all my heart to Your shoulder, And I understand that there is no need for words at all.

And I am silent, having given all the pain to You, And I do not hide my tears of compassion... You are just as silent, without saying a word, You cry about all the losses next to us.

DON'T BE STINGY ON LOVE, PEOPLE.

A man died, the blood cooled, the mortal journey ended. Don't be stingy with love, people, we don't have much time.

Every day, and not at a special hour, because every moment in life is priceless. Smile right now, don’t skimp on smiling at your neighbors.

In every heart there are bins of goodness, you, holy one, do not hoard it. Give it to everyone in the morning, or give it to your neighbors at night.

The Lord measured out grace to us, each with a precious share. But Love cannot be contained in the chest; it is cramped, life-giving, in captivity.

Your loved ones go on a long journey... Don’t skimp on kindness and tenderness, hurry to look them in the eyes, hurry to tell them about love.

Spend it, don’t hoard it, don’t let this heap weigh on your heart. Let the person know now, not later, that he is very dear to you!

DO NOT HURT YOUR MOTHERS

Children, love your mothers, don’t be offended by your grandmothers, grandchildren. It’s not easy for them in ignorance, in separation, where it hurts you, it hurts them even more.

With a smile, try to answer those questions that are sometimes inappropriate. May you have enough wisdom and patience to accept their love and care.

Keep them, who knows how many years they still have left to walk the earth? So that later the soul would not be tormented until the light goes out for them.

You are young, it is difficult for you to understand them, you are so tired of frequent calls. They looked through the window, wanting to see you and hug you.

They remember the past all the time, they became vulnerable, tears are very close. And from the evening until late at night they often leaf through an old album.

And they stroke the photographs with the hands of children and grandchildren, which is more precious than life. And they pray to God: - Take care of them, God, send them health, happiness and peace.

-2-
Do not offend your mothers, retribution for everything will come with time.
You, too, will grow old someday, and you will be like them. And may God grant you to live to old age in love, care, without sorrow and pain. And do not taste the bitter share of separation, do not drink from the cup of loneliness.

God bless you from all crooked paths, from worldly vanity and indifference. In the love of Christ, take care of your souls, do not offend your mothers!

SHE IS ALIVE, MY DEAR

How sweet everything is and how familiar, how warm it feels like home. Cozy, reverent and modest, and your soul is light and bright. It’s as if I’m there again today, in my mother’s simple room. And that New Year’s smell reigns from the living Christmas tree. She is alive, my old lady, there is no kinder person in the world... She threads strings into toys, portraits hang on the wall. She and dad are young, my sister, our father’s house... And her hair is gray, and she has difficulty twisting the knots. A huge table, a floor lamp with a moon, a sofa that has been darned more than once... And we still have a rug with red fringe at the dacha. She took out an old box with a garland of red stars. There is an old paper Santa Claus in the corner of the sofa. She sits, beloved, dear, the wall clock is knocking... She decorates the Christmas tree with balls, prepares a holiday for her grandchildren.

THE CUTEST

The kindest, the sweetest, the best, the most faithful, the most tender and beautiful, my mom, mom!

There is no one on earth dearer, more beautiful and dearer! Bless my mommy, God, Send her a Guardian!

Let no thunderstorms touch her, Children will always be there. And in the eyes only tears of happiness Shine like emeralds.

Her hands are the warmest, Love is knocking at the heart! Lord, take care of my mother! Let nothing happen to her!

GOD HAS NO DEAD!

God has a living people, He loves and protects!
saved by Christ will never die! everyone into holy flesh , the soul will find shelter in the Abode of the Creator!
The sunset gives way to the night of the gray moon, And in the morning
a crimson dawn will bloom. Year after year, centuries in succession fly by... No one will be lost, God has no dead!
TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHERS, CHILDREN!

Children, take care of your mothers, Their hearts are filled with goodness. Don’t put it off until later, hurry to your affectionate one!

After all, she is the sweetest in the world, And her prayers protect you. So that her look does not look sad, call mommy quickly.

Children, visit mothers, take a little time. And then their lonely path will be easier and their souls will be warmer.

Look kindly into your mother's eyes, look at her and smile. After all, there are no relatives of her in the world. Let a tear shine with happiness.

Only from happiness will there be joy again, And sadness will be removed from the heart. Now I will only cling to mine in my dreams. Don't be stingy with love, children!

I'LL COME BACK

I will return to the fields where there are white daisies, the aroma of meadow oregano, Early through the dew I will timidly walk through the land of my beloved and native.

I will return home to my spring youth, How cozy, joy and peace! I will hug and bow to my beloved, dear mother!

I will wipe away her tears with my palm, I will cling tightly to her! To the land beloved of childhood, the land of birch trees, even if I return in my dreams!

HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO LOSE YOUR LOVED ONE

All hope burned to the ground... My soul burst into tears and became ill. I couldn’t protect anyone, I couldn’t pray for anyone.

God, there is so much pain around us, so many trials we have in life. May there be no suffering in the world, may there be no sorrows and separations!

Forgive me that I came to You again, Disturbed Your peace again. How harsh the earthly lot is, how painful it is to lose loved ones.

How to get through all the stages of grief

The theory of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross helped me see my emotions from the outside. When you name them and show them on yourself, it makes them not so big and important. These are the stages of grief:

negation;
anger;
bargaining (let me explain: here we mean an attempt to come to an agreement with the Universe, God about something that is important to man);
depression;
Adoption.

I have already partially touched on almost all the points (the first emotion is denial, then anger, depression, acceptance). But it is important to structure them, which is what the author of the theory did. I would also like to consider the bargaining clause. A person tries to control his life and the situations that arise in it. But the world is big, and we, people, decide little in it (if you look globally), so trying to get something for yourself, promising in return to give up other things (less important in the hierarchy of human happiness) is a dead-end approach.

But a person must also go through this stage, there is no need to try to convince him of the meaninglessness of what is happening, he himself will understand this, when acceptance occurs, humility will come. A person who has experienced grief has the right to want to bring a loved one back to life, to meet him, to say important words to the one who died. Even an Orthodox Christian can behave this way, because this is a natural reaction.

Peak of Pain: How I Get Through Days of Sorrowful Memories

The birthday or death of your mother, as well as any other date associated with a deceased loved one, is the most difficult to get over. Weekends were no less difficult for me, when there is more time to reflect on memories. Simple recommendations will help you cope with your worries: 1

1 YOU NEED TO SHARE: if you keep the pain inside, it will find a way out, but not in the most acceptable way (through aggression, hatred, etc.), so you need to talk about feelings with loved ones;

2 IMPORTANT to experience negative emotions, not to turn a blind eye to them, not to deny the possibility of such feelings;

3 YOU NEED TO AVOID SITUATIONS, things, objects that will cause sad memories, you should understand the difference: if you remember your mother, keep the memory of her, you need to avoid triggers (factors that provoke a new wave of grief);

4 YOU CAN’T LOCK YOURSELF AT HOME, spend time in bed, you need to get up, put yourself in order in order to feel movement, then consciousness will switch to the environment, and not to experiences;

5 IT IS IMPORTANT TO DO WHAT COULD Bring pleasure, joy; you should not try to force yourself to do something that causes negative emotions on this day;

6 YOU CAN CREATE NEW TRADITIONS IN THE FAMILY, which will allow you to replace the old ones, and if the old foundations cause pleasant nostalgia, then there is no need to break them, on especially difficult days you can devote yourself to a business, an activity that will be done in honor of your beloved mother (make a charitable contribution on her behalf, to help the poor, etc.).

Psychological support is one of the foundations on which help for a grieving person rests.

When a person understands that he cannot get out of a difficult situation on his own, he should look for support outside: from relatives, girlfriends, friends, “comrades in misfortune.” It is important to find those who were in the same situation, who know how difficult life became when my mother left. Such people are not always among your loved ones: they empathize, sympathize, but experience different feelings due to a different degree of relationship with your mother. If there is no friend who would understand this condition, it is better to go where you can find true help - to a support group, if there is one in the city.

“Feminine” personality traits

Here are only those female character traits that are appropriate to use in condolences , a funeral speech at a wake, or in an obituary.

✒ How to write an obituary for your mother?
Publication is free, period: 24 hours.

Patient, enduring.
Merciful, compassionate, capable of forgiveness.
Flexible, flexible, compromising.
Wise, judicious, reasonable, sensible.
Caring, affectionate mother, gentle wife.
Kindness, empathy.
Emotional, loved life.

How to help your father and husband cope with loss

If your mother has died, it is important to try to support other family members. A man may react differently to painful situations. Believe me, dad usually grieves no less than the children. But the reaction to pain is different; in most cases, there is a desire to retire. Your father may grieve and feel acutely about your mother’s death for 3-5 months, then it becomes easier. At this time, it is necessary to provide him with silent support.

You shouldn't try to entertain your father, but you shouldn't leave him alone either. It is important to be close, but to be understanding of his detachment. If he has a desire to talk, to remember his mother together, there is no need to ignore him. You need to behave the same way if your husband has lost his mother.

But silent support should not exclude the possibility of distracting the grieving person: you need to invite him to go outside and do something together.

Outside help has many sides:

the grieving person must be limited from unnecessary communication (idle, useless);
a person who is experiencing loss should not be left alone;
The feelings of the grieving person should not be devalued, the desires must be respected, and you can distract your loved one when he feels that he is ready, you cannot put pressure on him or do something against his will.

Farewell words to a deceased mother

“She is a worthy example not only for children, but also for those around her. I am eternally grateful for a decent upbringing: without her, I could not become the person I am today. She instilled in her children high moral qualities and a sense of responsibility. Her life was long and happy. The death of (name) is a great loss for our family. Everlasting memory."

***

“She was a truly loving mother who would give everything for the happiness of her children. Her dedication knew no bounds. I remember that year when our family found itself on the verge of poverty. It was difficult to somehow feed. But mom could cook a delicious dinner out of nothing.”

***

“For many who came today to honor the memory of my mother, she was a close friend, for some a work colleague, for others a beloved and caring sister. And only for two of those present here is she a mother. The mom you can only dream about"

***

“Our family suffered a huge loss, having lost an important part of us - you, mom. She was amazingly modest, amazingly tactful, wise and talented. A true keeper of the family hearth. It was thanks to her and her many years of tireless work, support, attention and firm management that our home was a real fortress and a refuge from everyday storms. And all family members were always kind, warm, well-fed, dressed, educated and cheerful. Mom always knew how to console and when not to impose advice and moral teaching. She knew how to find an approach to anyone, although it was not easy. She painstakingly, day after day, created our cozy, comfortable little world, in which everyone is significant and not forgotten. She gave us light, warmth and kindness every day. And we can never forget this."

***

“Now mommy, take a break from your labors and get some sleep. You stayed with us for such a short time, but left love and warmth for several lives to come. And you will remain in my heart forever. You will forever be an example of a real mother, and your lessons (your example) will never be forgotten. We will try to create in our families the same warmth, love and joy that you strived for.”

***

“Mom, thank you for those wise and correct advice that were so effective and helped to avoid many troubles. Your kind heart, golden hands and radiant eyes will forever remain in my memory. Mom, you gave the main thing. You gave life! And today we, your children, say goodbye to you, but you will always live in our hearts! Love you. Rest in peace"

***

“I knew your mother very well. We met when you were still very young and became friends. I never thought that I would have to sit at the table like this without our Taya. What a woman she was! Both economical and hard-working. I remember asking her more than once when she had time to do everything. And she laughs and says: “My children gave me wings, where my hands can’t help me, there they help.” “That’s what your mother was like.” She baked pies, fed the whole neighborhood, mowed hay, and distributed it to everyone. Earth, accept God’s servant Taisia, give her swan’s down and goose feathers.”

Surviving the death of a mother: faith and love will help

It will be a little easier for a religious person to return to life, because he knows that the Lord gives strength for any test, and death is the beginning of a new stage for a loved one. You can’t grieve or be too sad, which is a manifestation of selfishness. An abandoned child, even if he has already grown up (for parents, children are an eternal, unchanging status), can communicate with a clergyman. If you have a confessor, it will be even easier: you just need to come to church to start a conversation. You can simply pray, light a candle for your mother, order a funeral service. Often, even people far from religion begin to believe in God after difficult trials and losses.

Questions and answers

It is not always possible to find something that will help you survive the death of your mother. Sometimes a word changes everything, you get over the tragedy faster, you immediately begin to be drawn to people, if before you wanted to be alone. I would like to offer a selection of questions that my friends and I often asked when we lost loved ones and, above all, our mother.

I have nightmares after my mother's death. How to stop feeling guilty?

Expert opinion

Father Pavel

Clergyman

Advice may vary, depending on the religion of the person grieving, but it is best to follow several steps in sequence:

light a candle for the repose of your mother, pray, and you need to ask for the repose of the deceased;
you can go to the churchyard, which helps, here you can talk to the deceased soul, ask not to disturb, especially if you often have the same nightmare;
You should write a letter if it is difficult to express some grievances, complaints, feelings out loud, or if you are simply uncomfortable talking to yourself.

If a mother dies on her daughter's birthday, what does it mean?

Expert opinion

Remontnikov Vladimir Petrovich

Religious scholar, historian

There is no definite answer, because there are 2 opposing points of view. You can choose your option according to your religion:

a mother dies on her child’s birthday: according to esotericists, the karma of the family is launched, which is like a relay race - a person has not coped with the tests, has not worked out his program according to fate, passes it on;
opinion of the clergy: there is no connection between the death of parents and children, one should not look for it, this is superstition.

Maria Lebedeva

I don’t remember my mother’s funeral; I lost her early – I wasn’t even 15 years old. I went to a psychologist, but my grandmother helped me - she brought me to the cemetery so that I could talk to my mother, see the grave, and say goodbye. It was hard, but at that moment I realized that life goes on, we have to live.