It is no secret to everyone that the final outcome of life is death. You seem to understand this, even partly accept it. But when this happens to your loved one, it absolutely doesn’t matter how many stories you’ve heard, how much information you’ve sifted through. Accepting the fact that your beloved dad is no more is something unbearable and unthinkable.
For a girl, a father is the first beloved man, a certain standard of true strength, courage and support. It is the image of the father that, consciously or not, sits in the head when assessing potential suitors. The death of your dad is something that changes your life in one way or another. Even understanding that your father lived a long and happy life, and you have long been an adult and independent, the accompanying pain does not decrease.
In this article:
5 stages of loss How to help yourself?
Acknowledge and mourn the loss
Very often, the first feeling that comes after hearing about the death of a loved one is disbelief. Death is not a natural event, so what happened seems impossible. It may seem that by disagreeing with this you can avoid the experience. Therefore, denial or disbelief is normal. This is why there may not be tears immediately or at the funeral.
However, after a certain time, awareness still comes, and this is always unexpected. Sometimes such feelings are said to be “overwhelming” or “encompassing completely, not allowing you to think about anything else.” During this period, you need to give vent to your feelings and mourn your loss.
You can't let someone else decide whether a grief reaction is normal. Some may feel like they are grieving too much or not enough. It is better to forgive and forget such an opinion of others. The reaction to grief is an individual concept, and no one can impose their own standards.
One way to release your feelings is to cry. Although it may seem to someone that if a person restrains his feelings it will be easier for him or that this is a sign of strength. Actually this is not true. A person cries not because he is weak, but because he is in pain. Tears are a natural reaction; the body is designed in such a way that, along with tears, substances that calm the nervous system are released. In this way, tears really help to calm down. True, this does not apply to people whose crying turns into a hysterical state.
You can ease your worries by talking about your feelings. It can be stopped by fear of misunderstanding or reluctance to upset others. But if everyone struggles with grief alone, it will only make the situation worse. After the death of dad, it will be easier for mom and children if they unite with each other. And for this you need to talk, including about experiences, fears and pain.
There is no need to compare yourself and family members, deciding who is worse off and who grieves more. Everyone feels bad, and trying to support each other makes it easier to cope with their feelings.
There is a good chance that someone in extreme pain will say something that hurts feelings. It is worth remembering that now this person is talking about his pain. Most likely, he doesn’t really think so, it’s just how he feels at the moment.
There are situations when you can’t talk about your feelings, or there’s simply no one to talk to. Some people note that they felt a little better after they expressed their feelings on paper. This could be a diary in which everything that worries you is written down, or letters to the deceased. One woman wrote letters to her son for more than ten years. She says it helped her get through her grief.
A teenager's grief
The most difficult age for a child is, of course, adolescence. At this time, they are already very emotional and are going through a difficult period, and having lost their father, they are completely unsettled. The teenager begins to look for bad company, secretly smokes cigarettes and drinks alcohol, and even worse, tries drugs. At this age, children hide their emotions from others and most often remain silent. But inside they are very worried, sometimes reaching the point of attempting to commit suicide. It is important to provide the teenager with the proper attention, care and love so that he knows that he can always find support in his mother.
Guilt
Regardless of what the relationship was with dad, whether family members lived far from each other or close, because of which he died and other factors, a feeling of guilt comes to everyone who had to lose loved ones. This is how our subconscious tries to explain what happened. My thoughts pop up: “if I had persuaded him to go to the doctor...”, “if we hadn’t quarreled then...”, etc. It's part of the reaction to loss that you can't come to terms with. It is worth remembering that these feelings are not a real reason to look for the cause of what happened in your behavior.
Guilt is a symptom that appears regardless of circumstances.
We must remember that no matter how much we love the deceased, we, unfortunately, cannot foresee everything and direct his every step.
To miss something imaginary or real does not mean at all that the father was not loved. Wishing someone death and failing to foresee anything are two different things. It is clear that no one had any desire to harm his father. Therefore, there is no need to consider yourself guilty of his death.
Feelings of guilt after the death of a father can be directed not only at oneself. Questions may arise for other family members. If you just scroll through them in your head, you can really believe in someone’s guilt, direct or indirect. If these thoughts haunt you, during a conversation it is worth gently clarifying what the family member thinks about this. The main thing is to refrain from making accusations.
The purpose of the conversation is not to find someone to blame, but to get rid of thoughts that can deprive you of peace. If it seems that this conversation cannot be avoided, you need to choose your words very carefully. And you shouldn’t be surprised when you hear counter questions - most likely, thoughts about someone’s guilt arise in all family members.
In addition to guilt, there may be a feeling of missed opportunities. So much has not been said or done! Unfortunately, no one can be the perfect child for their father. This doesn't mean Dad wasn't loved enough. This means that all people are not ideal, and this must be recognized in relation to yourself.
Bad habits will increase mental anguish
Quite often, after the death of one of their parents, teenagers try to find solace in alcohol or drugs. The use of such substances turns off the brain and promotes temporary forgetfulness. No matter how trite it sounds, such remedies are not a way out of the situation: they only temporarily dull the pain. Aggression is also quite natural for young people - it is a kind of defensive reaction of the body.
Alas, a bad habit cannot heal a mental wound, since every person sooner or later has to return to reality. In such a case, it is important to realize that the deceased parent would never approve of such behavior. After all, he would like to see his child happy and strong, despite any emotional experiences.
How to live on
Immediately after a tragedy occurs, it may seem that life has stopped. Most likely, problems with sleep and appetite will begin. You need to make a conscious effort to return to your normal daily routine as soon as possible. If you can’t return to your normal routine, it makes sense to seek help from a psychologist.
You should not solve the problem with alcohol. Thus, problems simply accumulate, and their solution is postponed. It is more difficult to resolve issues in an advanced stage.
How do children aged 6-8 years experience grief?
A child aged 6 to 8 years is a schoolchild who, in communication with peers, tells them about his parents. Therefore, it is important to help children be prepared for questions, where is your dad? You need to teach him to answer briefly, with one phrase, “He died.” But it’s better not to tell others how it happened. The child may behave aggressively with peers and the teacher, so it is important to warn the teacher about the incident so that he can keep an eye on him.
Making decisions
Often the father has many responsibilities. But even if this is not the case, after his death there are many serious decisions to be made. These include questions such as:
- What to do with the things of the deceased and everything that reminds him of him?
- Does a mother need to move in with her adult children?
- If the children are too young to earn money, how can a mother support her family? How can they help her?
Some people believe that it is necessary to immediately get rid of the things of the deceased so that nothing disturbs the soul. However, many widows and children of the deceased later regret that they hastened to such a decision. Of course, at first these things will most likely cause pain and may need to be removed. But then, when the pain subsides a little, a strong desire may appear to touch anything that was connected with the deceased. Therefore, it is worth leaving something as a keepsake.
Another serious decision is for the mother to move in with her adult children. To children, this may seem like the only right decision that needs to be made as soon as possible. However, such a move is additional stress for the mother. There is no need to rush her: perhaps the best place for her to mourn her loss is in the house where she lived with her husband.
It can be a very difficult situation when the mother is solely responsible for financially caring for her children. Immediately after the incident, there may be a thought: “after my husband’s death, I no longer need anything.” This is not selfishness, this is pain. But this is a situation when you need to think about the future of your children and your own. It is worth asking someone close to you to find out about possible benefits and payments in government agencies and at the place of work of the deceased. There is no need to refuse help.
Don't go to extremes. If, after the death of her husband, the mother throws herself into work, the children may feel even more severe pain. You should not expect that after redistributing responsibilities everything will immediately improve. You need to give yourself and your family time to get used to such changes.
“The girl seemed to have locked herself in a shell.”
One of the students is late for school - it turns out that her mother was taken to the hospital with a severe headache. Two days later, the girl’s father calls in tears: his wife died of a cerebral hemorrhage,” says Filippova.
The young woman’s departure came as a complete surprise to everyone; her daughter was grieving the loss. The girl, according to Olga Vladimirovna, was in complete apathy for some time - she indifferently did what was asked of her, her face was like a mask: it did not express any reactions. The baby seemed to have closed herself in her shell: this was the defensive reaction of the psyche. Over time, the girl managed to live through her pain, and now she is doing well.
A year later, another student in the same class lost her mother.
“The woman had cancer, so her care became somewhat predictable both for the family and for us. In addition, the girl’s family is of Buryat origin - they, like Buddhists, have a special perception of earthly death and its meaning for the human soul. All this helped to get through the grief easier,” says Filippova.
After this double story, new traditions appeared in the class: for example, students write letters to each other in which they talk about strong feelings - this helps children become more aware of their lives and develop empathy.
A year has passed since death...
They say that time heals and dulls pain, but how long does it take for the pain of loss to become less acute and sensitive? A year has already passed since dad died, and according to church canons, his soul should decide in the next world, and ours should calm down in this. But grief is still just as vivid, and memories stir the soul. The negative moments of your relationship disappear somewhere from your memory, and only the good and bright are remembered.
How many of these moments there were and yet how few! And although dad died a year ago, I still want to bring him back and replay everything. He comes into your dreams alive and well. And in a dream you rejoice that some fatal mistake happened and he turned out to be alive. There you begin to make plans on how to legalize his revival, return his passport and registration - and then you wake up and realize that this is just a dream, and dad will never return. And you get another stress in reality, because the sensations from the dream collided with harsh reality.
We can persist, refusing to believe the obvious. But this won't fix anything. Of course, when dad recently died, the mind understands this, but the soul resists and does not accept such an ending. But as time passes, you begin to realize that this happened and our acceptance or non-acceptance of the situation does not solve anything, but only makes it more painful. And despite the fact that they radically changed their attitude towards life, in a situation where his father died, nothing could be done to help him. But you can try to return to a normal emotional state. After all, it is unlikely that a loving father would want to see his child grieve endlessly.
Self-test questions
- Write down pleasant memories of your mom (dad).
- What would you tell your dad (mom) if he (she) were alive today?
- How do you comfort your younger brother or sister?
- What do you want to know about a deceased relative? Write down questions and ask them to other family members.
Action plan
- When sad thoughts about the deceased come flooding in, I will do the following...
- To the remaining parent, I will ask the following questions...
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Psychics' opinion
According to clairvoyants and people with superpowers, loved ones who have passed on to another world feel calm when they know that everything is fine with us. And at least for the sake of their peace, we must master our feelings and learn to live on, love and rejoice again, smile and sing songs. In a word, curb your emotions and not be killed by the dead, but provide them with eternal good memory and bright memories. At the beginning of this path, it seems that if dad died, then it is shameful and simply impossible to continue to enjoy life. Yes, it is incredibly difficult, but it is possible. And we must strive for this, because life is already short enough to waste it so carelessly.
Change your attitude towards the situation
If you realize the need to change your attitude towards the situation, this will already be a step forward. The more of these steps are taken, the lighter it will become on the soul, the more pleasant it will be to feel the diversity of this imperfect, but such a beautiful world. To help those who want to let go of a deceased loved one and give him the opportunity to further advance along the path of perfection in another world, there are various psychological methods and techniques. Their use to calm the grieving person can not only alleviate his suffering, but also provide an incentive for further life.
