What is verbal aggression
Verbal aggression is no less destructive than physical attacks.
It often manifests itself subtly, day after day, and makes your time in the office unbearable, says Florence Benichou, a specialist in improving the quality of life at work and general manager of the Better Human Co. coaching center.
The DARES research agency of the French Ministry of Labor has listed the signs of verbal aggression:
— degrading remarks
— contemptuous attitude
— non-recognition of labor
Marie Pezet, Doctor of Psychology, consultant on improving the working climate, noted that 30% of employees in France have experienced this at least once.
DARES noted that aggressive behavior is more common in organizations where:
— there are no clear boundaries in the work schedule and in relationships within the team
— lack of material resources
— strict supervisor-subordinate boundaries are established
Workers who experience aggression from coworkers are more likely to complain about health problems, have accidents at work, and take time off work.
Marie Pese:
A stressful work environment makes employees more anxious, and for some, anxiety manifests itself through aggression. People who work in stressful conditions are 66% more likely to be aggressive than others.
This behavior is often aggravated by ignorance of the law by employers, who must prevent it and repel the aggressor.
IDEWE Group, a specialist in preventing such incidents at work, conducted a survey among 45,000 French workers. It showed that every ninth employee faces insults, threats of physical violence or aggression.
The construction, public service and industry sectors are most susceptible to intra-team aggression (58.3% of cases). And in the healthcare and education sectors, aggression from the outside is more common, primarily from clients (64.9% and 57.4%).
Express anger in a safe space
It is not safe to express one's anger in a situation where there is a strong inequality of power between the parties. For example, you are alone and unarmed, but your opponents are armed and there are many of them. Therefore, step aside, arm yourself with your daddy, equip yourself with resources, gather the press, witnesses and support group, invite a lawyer, and then calmly make your claims. No anger.
Everyone, if necessary, knows how to say quietly, but meaningfully! Sometimes a simple voice recorder can become a powerful weapon.
Sometimes the most environmentally friendly decision may be this: do not quarrel with your tyrant boss now, but postpone the conversation until tomorrow. "The morning is wiser than the evening".
Of course, you can only be aware of your anger if you understand the boundaries of your interests and their violation. Therefore, when working with emotions and feelings, it is useful to know yourself. At least a little.
What to do when you encounter aggression for the first time
Marie Pese advises to react immediately. You can set a clear boundary by saying, “This behavior is not acceptable.” Or: “I don’t like this way of talking, it’s uncomfortable for me, don’t continue.”
The psychologist recommends being as convincing as possible: “I feel like I was insulted. You may not have intended to do this, but this is how I see the situation, and for me it is extremely unpleasant.”
It is important to use “I” (“I feel attacked”) rather than an accusatory “You” (“You have insulted me”).
This does not resemble retaliatory aggression, which will lead to an escalation of the conflict. In addition, you will make it clear how you feel about the situation.
How to learn to manage anger?
Let's start with a definition.
Anger is an emotional reaction aimed, first of all, at protecting one’s interests, at winning a confrontation, at eliminating obstacles to achieving a goal. Anger is inherent in us by nature itself. With the help of anger, both our ancestors and you and I are able to mobilize all our strength to fight, survive, and win.
What about the ancestors? Even to eat an apple, you need to aggressively bite into its juicy side with your teeth, bite off a piece, chew thoroughly, swallow correctly, digest and appropriate this apple for yourself.
Human society has come a long way in its quest to curb anger and aggression and channel it into safer channels. Instead of war, there are championships and Olympics. Instead of gladiators, there are football players. Instead of wall-to-wall fistfights, there are stands for fans. Calls for fair play everywhere! Where would we be without sporting anger!?
But psychologists always have enough work in the field of aggression and anger. The fact is that from childhood, anger and open display of aggression are prohibited. Why? Because an obedient and quiet child is a comfortable child. It’s easier and easier for adults with him. So it’s drummed into him from the cradle:
- “You can’t be angry!”
- “Showing aggression is shameful.”
- “If you don’t behave well, they won’t love you.”
- “If you fight, they will answer you in kind, it’s dangerous, you’ll be to blame.”
- “Good girls (well-mannered boys) don’t shout like that.”
Under such massive influence from a community of adults (parents, educators, teachers), the child gives in and begins to suppress, hide, hush up, and mask his natural anger, which is inherent in Mother Nature herself! Especially if the parent is authoritarian and not inclined to dialogue. The very natural nature of the child is sacrificed to adults, for the sake of elders.
Yes, such suppression of feelings makes the child silky, comfortable, obedient. This is the key to survival in the world of adults who are tired of the worries of the serious adult world! “Mom is sleeping, she’s tired, so I didn’t play.” And she also didn’t scream, beg, swear, demand, fight...
Grown-up children invent brightly colored legends to justify their obedience.
- “I’m not like everyone else. I am a star boy. I can’t be aggressive.”
- “I am so strong that I can accidentally kill someone. And this is unacceptable!”
- “I am an angel in the flesh. My holy humility, my angelic patience is my moral superiority over any evildoer and hooligan.”
All these are excellent examples of how, out of love for others, a child turns the external edifying voices of adults into the inner voice of his own convictions.
But this is where the danger lurks. Hidden anger never goes away. The energy of anger is melted into psychosomatic symptoms, to the detriment of one’s own health. Or it gradually accumulates, accumulates... And then be afraid of the wrath of a patient person! It really can kill! In one single word!
The other extreme - the habit of anger - is formed by the opposite scenario - the connivance of weak adults. The parents of such a child at one time, for various reasons, were unable to insist on their own, to build certain boundaries for the child, and he got used to commanding and getting what he wanted with outbursts of anger. If a child does not feel any restrictions and gets what he wants every time in response to his angry demand, the habit of anger becomes a habit of effective life.
So what can you do so that you don’t feel endlessly sorry for the years spent aimlessly, spent in total disguise, alienated from your own vivid feelings, or spent in constant anger?
What to do when aggression recurs
Talk about this with colleagues you trust.
Employees who are targeted often think that they are the only victims. Florence Benichou noted that aggression in the workplace is usually directed at several people.
The more you talk about it, the more similar stories you will hear.
Use the OVPV method
The OVPV method (DESC from the French Description - Exprimer - Suggérer - Conclusion) is an effective method when communicating with a person who is aggressive against you. The goal is to describe the experience of the situation.
It consists of four stages:
O - description of the situation in which you were attacked, a list of actions performed by the aggressor: “You scream and bang your fist on my table”
B - expressing your emotions using “I”: “I feel threatened”
P - proposal to solve a problem: “Would you be willing to take the time to calmly discuss what is bothering you?”
B - conclusion, namely a description of what the attacker will receive if you resolve the situation peacefully: “So together we will find a solution that suits everyone.”
CORRECTION METHODS
It is best if a qualified psychologist works with an aggressive child. Parental knowledge is often not enough to effectively correct behavior. Work with aggression is carried out in several directions:
- learning acceptable ways of expressing anger, dissatisfaction, anger;
- training in self-control, the ability to recognize negative emotions by sensations in the body and calm down in time;
- formation of the ability to empathize, trust, sympathize, and show mercy.
If the situation at home is tense or the child is going through a parental divorce, psychological counseling is recommended for all family members. To cope with aggression, it is important to place the child in a calm, friendly, loving environment. Neurological diseases require treatment.
Parents should also provide all possible support to their child. It is important to remember that he is aggressive only because he does not know how to do otherwise. Read below about ways to help cope with emotions.
WHAT DO YOU FEEL?
When a child is angry, you need to ask him to describe what he feels, where the feeling of anger is located in his body. Usually children describe in great detail how their cheeks are burning, their palms are tingling, their hearts are pounding, and they want to scream in their throats. It is important that the baby learns to listen to his feelings. You need to ask him to verbally report his condition. For example: “I’m very angry,” “You better not touch me, I might lose my temper.”
NAME CALLS
Anger needs to be expressed in an acceptable way. For example, instead of offensive insults, it is better to use humorous name-calling. The parties to the conflict must agree on what words they will say to each other. For example: “You are a potato.” “And you are dill.” At the end, when anger is replaced by laughter, you need to end the skirmish with a pleasant word: “And you are the sun (kitten, sugar).”
Aggression in older children can be calmed down with name-calling in poetic form. For example:
“Lenka - foam - sausage, There is a wasp on a string. Lenka - foam - sausage, Rotten cabbage. She ate a cat without a tail and said: “Delicious.”
RELAXATIONS
As your child learns to recognize his anger, he needs to be taught self-control. One way is to relax. You need to ask the baby to pretend to be angry, and then try to lie down and relax. You need to close your eyes and imagine him swinging on the waves on an air mattress. You can do a light massage with nursery rhymes. The main thing is for the child to feel that anger is a temporary emotion that he is able to control.
EVIL DOLL
You can give your baby a toy that does not have a very flexible character. We need to come up with and tell her story, ask our son or daughter to re-educate her. To prevent the game from becoming boring, the adult must actively participate in it, control the second doll, ask how the student is feeling, whether he has learned to deal with anger.
SCREAM BAG
Another effective way to get rid of anger and prevent aggression is to scream into a bag. The child must be allowed to shout out any words, even the worst ones. He would rather do it now than later on the street. After the baby feels relief, the bag is shaken out the window.
ART THERAPY
You can offer an angry child a piece of paper and pencils and ask them to draw their feelings. At first, he will choose dark tones and press the pencil with force. As the pressure weakens, you need to propose a new idea - to depict happiness or a dream. Finger paints are also well suited for art therapy, as you can use your whole hand to paint on canvas. Children 5 years and older can draw caricatures of their bully. At the final stage, the bad drawing is destroyed - torn or burned.
ACTION
If the child is very angry and relaxation is impossible, you need to show how to properly throw out the negativity. For example, have a pillow fight, throw a ball into a basketball hoop, hit a punching bag, play bowling. It will also be useful to take an aggressive child to some sports section where he will spend his energy (swimming, martial arts, acrobatics).
Is it possible to regulate yourself?
You won’t be able to figure it out on your own if there is a “falling visor” reaction and a person begins to destroy everything. This is a sign that there are trigger stories from the past. They cannot be recognized without the help of a specialist. In such cases, it is better to immediately consult a psychotherapist. If we are talking about the fact that a person does not know how to be attentive to himself, then he can change this if he develops a habit - and quite calmly he can gradually become a different person.
There are contraindications, consultation with a specialist is required
Auto aggression
Our culture is retroflexive. Remember in childhood: “How dare you talk to your mother,” “No one is interested in what you want.” That's how they silenced us. It's all from there. A person is afraid to interact with someone and admit that he is the cause of his irritation. But someone has to be bad. Only he himself remains. Then he begins to say to himself: “It should have been this or that. You felt that it wasn’t necessary, but no, you did it anyway.” This is auto-aggression, when you tell yourself what you did bad and did wrong. Mental chewing gum spins in the head and can turn to heavy and pathological things. The person becomes to blame for everything and cannot take a step. How to deal with this? Consider someone else to be the cause of irritation. This is called finding the right addressee. The situation arose outside. And the addressee is outside.
Regulation scheme
A person needs to start noticing what grabs him. What's wrong in life. What can be changed and what cannot. Do something about it. Take care of yourself. Be more attentive to your inner state. This is a magical way if you do it regularly. If you want to be calm and balanced, you need to take regular actions to calm yourself down, to somehow treat yourself.
Article on the topic
“Violence comes from powerlessness.” Psychologist on the causes of aggression in the family
