How to love yourself: 12 tips from psychologists to accept yourself

To achieve anything in life, a person needs to have fairly high self-esteem, have a positive attitude towards himself, see his beauty and uniqueness, respect and love himself as an individual. One of the most important qualities of a happy person is respect for one’s “I” and complete self-acceptance with all the advantages and disadvantages. It is low self-esteem that prevents many people from being successful in their personal lives and business.

There are several reasons for low self-esteem.

1. Parents’ assessment and attitude in childhood.

The formation of a person’s self-esteem begins in early childhood. At this age, the child does not yet know how to independently give an objective description of something, including his own behavior. A child’s assessment of himself in this world depends on the attitude of his immediate environment, and, mainly, his parents. If a child does not receive enough attention and love, then he develops low self-esteem. If parents are too demanding of their child and constantly criticize him, then this will definitely have a negative impact on his future fate. Such an attitude on the part of the closest people leads to a low level of self-esteem, and the little man begins to believe that he does not deserve better. He carries this with him into adulthood.

2. “The tyranny of obligation” on the part of parents.

Many parents use phrases in raising their children like: “You must behave just like your dad,” “You must obey,” and other “You must...”. This develops a sense of hyper-responsibility, which in the future leads to emotional stiffness and tightness. A model of a standard is formed in the child’s mind, only by embodying it in reality can he be loved. As you know, it is impossible to be an ideal, so a discrepancy arises between reality and this standard.

3. Birth defects.

A child with congenital diseases or external defects may feel inferior, not like everyone else, especially among his peers, who can sometimes be very cruel. If his peers laughed at his shortcomings in childhood and constantly reminded him of them, of course, his self-esteem will also be low in the future.

4. Accepting the opinions of other people as objective reality.

No matter how good or bad you have done or done a job, there will always be people who will criticize you. The reason here lies in the fact that when you get ahead, you are sure to leave many behind you, and they try to “catch up” with you, at least in words. If you start taking everything you are told on faith, then soon enough it will affect your self-esteem.

5. Attaching great importance to any of your defeats.

Every person has situations in life when he loses at something. This could be dismissal from work, a failed deal, a quarrel or a breakup with a loved one. If you attach too much importance to this, blaming only yourself for everything, then this will have a very negative impact on the level of self-esteem and, consequently, on self-esteem.

6. Excessive demands on yourself.

Often people tend to set themselves obviously unattainable goals, the implementation of which requires much more time than they allot for themselves. As a result, it turns out that a person does not achieve the desired result. Because of this, self-esteem suffers, and, disappointed in himself, a person generally stops taking any steps towards his dream.

By what signs can you determine that you have low self-esteem?

Tendency to make excuses
Frequent, and mostly unfounded, feelings of guilt.
An uncomfortable state, excessive emotional stress in the company of people whose opinions matter to you.
A person with low self-esteem very often scrolls through phrases and attitudes in his thoughts: “How imperfect, bad, unlucky I am, etc.”
Excessive self-criticism, positioning oneself as a hopeless person.
Frequent complaints about a bad life, the inability to fix anything, helplessness, etc.
When you look in the mirror, you notice a large number of “flaws” in your appearance and very few of your strengths.
The way you dress also says a lot. Grooming, hairstyle, clothes - this is self-presentation. If a person attaches too much importance to “shortcomings” and constantly tries to somehow disguise them, or, on the contrary, to stick out and overemphasize something in himself, experiences internal discomfort and uncertainty, he takes too seriously how others will perceive him . There is an “alarm bell”: this is evidence of low self-esteem.
Bowed head, hunched back, sad facial expressions: the corners of the eyes, eyebrows, and mouth are downturned.
Stiffness in movements. A person with adequate self-esteem is more relaxed psychologically and physically; he does not feel threatened by others. What to do if your self-esteem is low and you need to change the attitude towards yourself, both your own and those of others? To do this, first of all, you need to remember those people because of whom you have low self-esteem and try to forgive them. The ability to forgive those who have offended us is one of the ways to raise our self-esteem. Now do two exercises.

Reasons for lack of self-love

Psychologists say that the roots of a lack of self-love should be sought in childhood. The child's psyche is very sensitive and receptive. She, like a sponge, absorbs everything that happens to a person. Any careless word can leave an imprint that a person will carry throughout his life.

The main reasons why a person cannot love himself:

lack of unconditional love from parents;
comparison with other children in their favor;
lack of proper attention from parents, their constant employment;
jealousy towards brothers or sisters;
inflated demands and overprotection;
ridicule from peers;
conflicts with teachers;
serious traumatic event.

Most often, it is in childhood that the preconditions for self-dislike are laid. But this is not the only possible scenario. It happens that at an early age a person does not experience problems with self-esteem and self-acceptance, and then something happens in his life that seriously undermines self-confidence.

This could be an unsuccessful relationship, problems at work, the loss of a loved one, a serious illness, etc. A once stable and strong person turns into a confused, scared and insecure person. He has to re-look for support within himself, re-establish contact with himself.

Fortunately, our psyche is very malleable and plastic. If you don’t waste time throwing ashes on your head, but focus on regaining self-love, the result will come very quickly.

My experience of self-acceptance

Not accepting myself made me angry, irritable, and restless. I lashed out at others “just like that,” and was extremely inconsistent and contradictory in my desires, actions, and thoughts. My head and life were in chaos. To restore harmony within myself and in relationships with the outside world, I made a self-acceptance plan:

Make a list of character strengths and weaknesses. Learn to demonstrate the former advantageously and start correcting the latter. For example, I didn’t like that when I was tired, in a bad mood or angry at someone, I would lash out at whoever came to hand. I kept a diary of emotions, learned to track this state, and before the “explosion” I spoke out my state and asked the person not to contact me yet. And at the same time, I mastered techniques to develop self-regulation skills and minimize irritating factors in my life.
Make a list of complexes, fears, grievances and other psychological problems. Work with each point step by step. A universal method for dealing with anything: return to the point when you first encountered this feeling, emotion, thought. Remember the situation down to the smallest detail. Analyze it with the eyes of an adult. For example, I looked at a photograph of myself as a child and sincerely did not understand why this child was called fat. An ordinary child. Yes, he’s overweight, but he’s not scary and certainly not bad. And even then the weight could be easily adjusted. Why the parents didn’t notice this and did nothing is another question. Just like a tangle, unravel one problem after another, talk to yourself, find solutions and let go of the past.
Study yourself. Understand your temperament and type of nervous system, abilities. Think about where all this is in demand, how it will help me and be useful in my life.
Create a realistic image of what I can be. This applies to appearance, inner world, worldview, and self-realization in the labor sphere.
Make a step-by-step plan for getting closer to this image and follow it.

In self-acceptance, it is important to separate what can be corrected from what you cannot influence in any way. If you can’t figure this out on your own, then turn to scientific psychological literature. Two queries will help you: innate individual characteristics and acquired individual characteristics. For example, character and habits can be corrected, but temperament cannot be changed - you just have to accept that someone is hot-tempered, and someone is phlegmatic (indifferent, in simple terms), someone is vulnerable, and someone perceives everything with humor and etc.

How does self-dislike manifest itself?

Usually a person who does not love himself knows this very well. But in some cases this may not be obvious.

Let's look at the vivid manifestations of dislike and non-acceptance of oneself:

Unreasonable feelings of guilt. A person feels guilty even when he is 100% right.
Inability to refuse. It is difficult for a person to say “no”. He often sacrifices his time and resources to please other people.
Saving on yourself. If you have free money, but at the same time you wear worn-out things, then this is a clear sign of dislike for yourself.
A frivolous attitude towards your health. A person who truly loves himself undergoes all examinations on time, consults a doctor at the first manifestations of the disease, and carries out all preventive measures.
Fear of solitude. Reluctance to be in company with yourself is an alarming bell. Normally, a person should calmly accept temporary loneliness and even appreciate it.
Wearing uncomfortable clothes and shoes. Dressing up in tight dresses and high heels is normal for a formal event. But wearing them on a regular basis, enduring pain and inconvenience, is wrong.
Going on strict diets. Work to improve your appearance should take place without compromising your health.

Seven ways to learn to love yourself

Criticism is an important key to achieving your goal. If you can easily tell yourself that everything is fine, no matter what happens, then you can change your purpose. Difficulties arise when we say: “Everything is bad.” However, everything is changing. A new day is unique, live it differently than yesterday. It is advisable to develop high self-esteem. Stop thinking that you are not good enough.
Don't be intimidating. Many people torment themselves with frightening thoughts, imagining any situation worse than it is. This behavior is reminiscent of small children who imagine something terrible. The catchphrase “Turned from a fly into an elephant” is suitable here. Every time you have a terrible thought, repeat the opposite words: “I won’t think about it, everything is fine with me.”
Kindness, gentleness, patience. Some people can’t wait, and that’s why they get angry at the whole world. “Hurry up, you’ll make people laugh” is a proverb that fits very well here. Show yourself chastity, don’t judge harshly. Mistakes are valuable lessons. Do everything with tact, sense, and arrangement.
Praise yourself like no one else can. Each of us is beautiful. Some have a rich inner world, some have an outstanding appearance, and there are those who have merit in sports. Find all the strengths in yourself and repeat over and over again.
Ask for help. Help is not shameful, it is a manifestation of strength.
Negative traits. If you constantly repeat: “What dreary gray weather”, “I’m not in the mood”, “I’m boring”, “I haven’t achieved anything in my life”, then it will definitely come to you. After all, there are no coincidences in the world. You will attract what you wish for yourself. The best medicine is to approach everything with humor.
Don't put it off for later, love here and now. Don't wait to be perfect. Enjoy the present, and then goodness will come knocking soon.

Man is very amazingly structured - he is upset when he loses wealth, and is indifferent to the fact that the days of his life are irrevocably passing away, do not dwell on the past. As they say, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the next best time is today. And the person keeps putting it off and on. You need to understand that time is gold, but no one’s gold is enough to buy time.

What to do to love yourself

Let's move from theory to practice. The following 12 tips from psychologists are guaranteed to help you love yourself. If you follow them, of course.

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Accept yourself for who you are

Love begins with acceptance. Until you learn to accept yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses, there can be no talk of any love. At this moment in time, you are who you are: whole and indivisible. Take this as a starting point and don’t waste time on self-deception and throwing dust in people’s eyes.

You can become a better person in the future if you work on yourself. And you will have more and more reasons to love yourself. But for this future to come, we need to lay a strong foundation in the present.

Just don’t confuse acceptance with self-deception. Don't try to convince yourself that your weaknesses are strengths. For example, if you are lazy, you should not look for something positive in this. You just need to note this fact for yourself in order to work on it later. And if you try to camouflage your shortcomings, you will not have a chance to improve.

Treat yourself like a parent treats a child. Don’t look for why you can love yourself, but love for nothing.

Forgive your mistakes

Excessive severity with ourselves and self-flagellation makes us anxious and cowardly. Write yourself an indulgence for past mistakes and don’t return to them again. Life is too short to waste it on regrets and covering your head with ashes.

Say “thank you” to each of your failures for valuable experience and life lessons. You will immediately notice how a burden will fall from your soul. And most importantly, you will get freedom of action in the future. By forgiving yourself of past mistakes, you will stop being panicky about mistakes in the future. This means that it will be easier for you to leave your comfort zone and achieve your dreams.

Love yourself unconditionally

We don't need reasons to love our parents and children. We love them unconditionally, we love them sincerely, we forgive all shortcomings, we care for them and protect them. You need to treat yourself the same way. You are the closest and dearest person in the whole world to yourself.

Self-love should not be confused with selfishness. An egoist is fixated on his problems, and the one who loves himself is kind and open to the world.
Mikhail Labkovsky

Cultivate Self-Respect

Self-esteem is a very complex concept. Many people confuse it with conceit, pride and pride, although this is completely different. High self-esteem means that a person recognizes his own value to himself and will not exchange it for anything.

Self-esteem will not allow him to humiliate himself, act contrary to his principles, or sacrifice his beautiful and noble image for the sake of momentary gain.

Respect yourself if you want to be respected.
Gracian Baltazar

How does self-respect manifest itself? I'll start with a simple example. A person with self-respect will not wear socks and underwear with holes, knowing that no one will see them anyway. The most important view for him is his own. And he won’t urgently scrub the apartment before guests arrive. His place is always clean and tidy, because the most important and dear person lives in this apartment - himself.

Also, a self-respecting person does not try to evoke pity from others in order to gain some privileges. Any pity is humiliating for him.

Start cultivating self-esteem and you will notice how your life changes for the better. Those around you will also notice changes in you and will begin to treat you differently. At some point, you will love this new feeling so much that you will never be able to give up your self-respect.

Appreciate your uniqueness

There is no other person in the world like you. Different traits intertwine in each individual, creating a unique, fingerprint-like pattern of the soul. Your shortcomings are harmoniously balanced by your advantages. Therefore, there is no point in isolating and focusing on them. Perceive yourself holistically and enjoy how unique you are.

Don't compare yourself to others

There is no point in comparing yourself to other people. You exist in different conditions, different coordinate systems. There will definitely be those who are better than you in some way. But this is not a reason to give up and despair. You need to live according to your scenario and move forward at a comfortable pace.

The only person you can compare yourself to today is you yesterday. Are you even a little better? This means that the motion vector is correct and you can continue on your way.

And by constantly looking back at other people's successes, you will only ruin your motivation to do something and will be completely disappointed in yourself. In addition, it grows envy - a destructive, poisonous feeling that takes a lot of energy.

Don't complain or whine

Whining, complaining, lamenting are signs of a weak and poorly organized personality. When you dump all the negativity on other people, they witness your weakness and begin to feel sorry for you. Automatically, without meaning to, you put yourself in the bottom position. And this is very harmful to self-esteem. A pitiful and helpless image of oneself is fixed in the subconscious, which is very difficult to eradicate.

Clearing your head of negativity is not so easy. A way of thinking is a habit that is deeply ingrained into our personality. It will take weeks or even months to change it. And while this process is going on, learn to at least keep your negativity to yourself. Don't burden people with complaints and whining. This way you will maintain self-respect and good relationships with others. Nobody likes whiners - remember this.

Keep your negativity to yourself. Better yet, get rid of it completely!

If the feeling of annoyance and depression is so strong that you cannot keep it to yourself, pour out your soul on paper. She, as they say, will endure everything and will not judge you. Write down everything that worries, worries, upsets you, and you will immediately feel better.

Criticize yourself less

Excessive criticism and demands on yourself prevent you from enjoying life. But it is so short and fleeting. Take off your strict judge's robe and relax. Life is not an exam where you constantly have to prove something to someone.

Look around! You won't see a single perfect person. Everyone sometimes makes mistakes, looks stupid and ugly, and behaves inappropriately. If you focus on these moments all the time, you can simply go crazy. Therefore, every time the worm of criticism begins to gnaw at you, drive it away and switch to something positive.

Don't worry about what others think

Especially strangers and strangers to you. It is impossible to please absolutely everyone. Yes, this is not necessary.

Realize that the desire to please everyone comes from a lack of self-reliance. There is no internal rod that gives stability. There is no benchmark to look up to. Hence the desire to rely on other people's assessments.

Set your own criteria for evaluating yourself and stick to them.

Internal support comes from taking full responsibility for your life, from independent purposeful actions, from pumping your own resources. This is a long and difficult process. To begin with, I suggest that you form an assessment system within yourself based on generally accepted moral standards and your own principles. And evaluate all your actions in accordance with it.

I suggest you read our recommendations on how a woman can become confident and how a man can increase his self-confidence.

Upgrade yourself

Self-love is closely related to self-esteem. And it grows from real achievements. Upgrading is the only way to raise self-esteem and maintain it adequate. Start improving on all fronts! You will notice how quickly your self-love will grow.

I suggest you start upgrading yourself by understanding what self-development is. Our article will help you evaluate all areas of your life and develop a strategy to improve them. You can improve your health, appearance, personal qualities, mental abilities, upgrade your professional skills and much more.

And for those who want to save time and enlist the support of experienced specialists, I advise you to look at the selection of courses and trainings on self-development.

Set goals and achieve them

True goals force us to mobilize all our resources and relentlessly move towards the life we dream of. They also attract the lion's share of attention, preventing it from dwelling on negative thoughts and dissatisfaction with oneself. When a person has a goal, he is motivated, inspired and full of energy. In this state it is much easier to love yourself.

When an important goal is achieved, a person experiences tremendous pleasure. His self-esteem grows, as does his motivation for new achievements.

Read about how to set goals correctly on our blog.

Hang out with positive people

Try to surround yourself with polite, tactful, cheerful people. Eliminate whiners, grumblers and pessimists from your social circle. It is very difficult to maintain a positive attitude around them.

Also avoid communicating with those who question your merits and try to undermine your self-confidence. Don’t let people assert themselves at your expense, protect personal boundaries and protect psychological comfort.

Where to begin

How to learn to accept yourself? Acceptance means stopping comparing and evaluating yourself. This means that a person simply accepts all his characteristics as facts. He accepts and knows all his strengths and weaknesses of character, desires and interests, true inner impulses, external characteristics, abilities, mentality and personality, temperament, etc. He allows himself to be himself, does not try to become like someone else or adapt to someone else's standards.

Self-acceptance also presupposes a person’s forgiveness of past mistakes, renunciation of self-flagellation, guilt or shame. And even mistakes in the present are accepted as a normal element of human life. A person allows himself to be wrong or in a bad mood, to doubt, make mistakes, be afraid, etc. He accepts any of his emotions, feelings and reactions.

Important! When you start working on self-acceptance, be prepared for the fact that it will be a long and difficult journey. Both characteristics depend on how much your self-esteem has dropped, how much you have been consumed by complexes. But, one way or another, you shouldn’t expect changes in a day or a week. The first results can be seen in about a month, and a sustainable improvement in life can be seen in at least a year.

Useful literature

If you want to approach the problem thoroughly, I recommend studying the relevant literature. Pay attention to the following books on psychology:

L. Hay “Become happy in 21 days.” A complete course of self-love”
M. Zakharenko “The magic of self-love”
L. Levitskaya “Facing yourself. The path from pain to love"
A. Zaloga “Self-love. 50 ways to increase self-esteem”
A. Zaloga “Self-love. Training diary for 30 days. How to increase self-esteem and accept yourself as such”
O. Savelyeva “Lucky. 80 therapeutic stories about love, family and the path to oneself”