Often adults do not see any other way out of the situation other than to beat the child. For disobedience, whims, a broken cup, a deuce brought from school. The list is endless.
How to stop shouting, spreading rot, and hitting your butt? Make sure that children listen and hear their parents? Bring joy back to the family?
It depends entirely on the parents' desire to correct the situation. Physical violence from loved ones is very dangerous for a child’s psyche. Having once decided to try how not to raise your hand, not to yell, not to hit a child, many mothers and fathers enjoy the new approach, starting to enjoy life.
Why is it scary when children are beaten by their relatives?
By punishing a child physically, parents cause him irreparable moral harm. The pain will subside, but the memories of humiliation will leave a mark on the soul. Do you think the children will grow up and forget and understand? Moral injuries can manifest themselves in different ways throughout life.
The consequences of situations where parents hit their small child, not knowing what to do with uncontrollable outbursts of rage:
- The concepts of “punishment” and “education” are being replaced.
The purpose of education is to help learn new skills. Punishments - implement external control instead of internal control.
- The little person experiences pain, fear of the parents whom he trusted, and feels betrayed.
Later, as he grows up, he continues to resolve conflicts in this way. Parents justify themselves: “I beat him so that he learns a lesson and grows up as a man.” Think about what kind of personality he will grow up to be?
- Beatings can lead to physical injury and irreversible consequences.
When you realize and say to yourself: “It’s me, it’s me who takes it out on the child and hits him,” you will see from the outside how other parents hit their children. You will understand how fragile a little man is, and you will do everything to ensure that pain and fear go away from your baby’s life.
- Domestic violence will lead to the same behavior in kindergarten and school.
A child or teenager will repeat the behavior pattern adopted in the family. Taking out your negativity on others.
Corporal punishment is a method that “works” faster than others, which is why parents use it more often than others. When an adult beats children, he also causes mental trauma, as a result of which the little person’s mental and physical development, craving for creativity, and emotions fade away.
How to behave after a breakdown
The main thing is to get out of a conflict situation correctly. DO NOT focus on it!
Calm down yourself
If you continue to be nervous, nothing will work out. Find a way to calm down.
Calm the child down and apologize
The child also needs to be reassured. Caress and apologize to him. There is nothing shameful or inappropriate here. Learn to admit your mistakes.
| You can learn more about the Montessori method from this article |
Discuss the situation
After everyone has calmed down, it is imperative to arrange a “debriefing”. In a friendly and even humorous manner. Present the situation as comical. But at the same time indicate the reason why this happened. Show the child his behavior as it looks from an adult and admit his shortcomings. Make peace!
Continue to be a good enough mom.
This means: your anger is not a reason to be an “angry” mom. Your love is limitless. The child must be sure of this. After shouting, you should behave as before.
How to punish correctly
The punishment must be adequate and fair. If we are talking about pranks, you can simply not pay attention to the child for some time, ignoring him. Don't grab the belt!
Why do adults use force?
The point is not in the behavior of the little person, but in the inability of an adult to get out of the situation with dignity.
Physical violence, even harmless pokes, slaps on the butt, slaps on the head, indicate one thing - mom or dad don’t know that they can behave differently, they don’t want or are unable to change their behavior.
Why do adults want to beat a child:
- They came home from work tired, irritated, and their bored child bombarded them with questions: when will we read, when will we play? From explanations you quickly break into a scream.
- They apply the principle “everyone was beaten in childhood, me too, and so will I.”
- They want to show who dominates the family.
- They believe that beating children is the most effective way to educate. This way the child will quickly understand what can be done and what cannot be done. He will grow up well-mannered and hardworking.
- They take out the irritation accumulated during the day. You can't often hit an offender, but you can hit a little person.
Also, many women make shocking confessions like “I want to beat him because he reminds me of my departed husband.” And the baby is beaten because the mother is mentally ill.
Behind all these reasons there are problems in the adult’s head, which he is not able to immediately resolve, often without even realizing their existence. To clarify the situation, it is necessary to clearly understand that in any case you can do without physical violence against the baby.
There are calm, safe parenting methods.
If you want to know how to stop yelling at your child and spanking him, then first of all keep yourself busy with interesting things. You will become calmer, and the children will feel it themselves. Let it be gradual, but the result will be - the child will stop “bothering” (in your opinion), will find hobbies, will pull you into his business, and peace will reign in the family.
How to stop taking it out on your child?
Managing our emotions
Long-term observations of psychologists show: if in a family parents set an example of calm and balance, then children grow up the same.
But how can you become calm and balanced in the modern world, you ask, if there is only stress around? The answer is simple: you need to learn to manage your emotions.
What does it mean to manage emotions? This means understanding their reason, feeling it, hearing what they want to tell you. Where does your anger come from? Why are you feeling frustrated now? What exactly upset you about this situation? Ask yourself these questions often and you will learn a lot about your inner world and the feelings you experience.
The psychology of emotions is such that events in our lives do not have any emotional connotation. We choose what color to paint them and how to react to them. For some, a broken plate is a reason to yell at a child, but for others it is a reason for happiness.
Remember: it is impossible to be happy and radiating optimism 24 hours a day. Therefore, accept your emotions - both positive and negative - and learn to live in harmony with them.
Relaxation techniques for a tired mom
Anger, anger, irritation accumulate in us, interfering with a full and harmonious existence. An angry and irritated mother cannot give her child love and support. What the vessel is filled with is what pours out of it.
That's why it's so important to get rid of negative emotions first. This process can be compared to the treatment of caries: first, all affected areas of the tooth are removed, and then the vacant space is filled with filling material.
What will help a tired mother relieve stress? Everyone chooses their own. It can be:
- Walks in the open air.
- Get more than 8 hours of adequate sleep.
- Communication (live and virtual).
With friends, relatives, in a chat where you can share your problems, get the advice you need, listen to different opinions.
- Physical activity.
A great way to relieve stress. This could be running, swimming, dancing, yoga, some people like strength training. Even 15 minutes of morning exercise can energize you for the whole day.
- Personal care.
Taking a bath, massage, manicure, pedicure - all these feminine joys improve your mood and allow a woman to feel like a Woman.
- Music.
Agree, even washing dishes and cleaning is more pleasant to the accompaniment of The Beatles or ABBA than in complete silence.
- Drawing.
There is such a direction as isotherapy - treatment with drawing. A person who draws expresses his disturbing feelings on paper, thus working through them and coping with them.
- And the most important advice - listen to yourself!
Listen to your feelings, emotions, inner state, often ask yourself the question “What do I want now? What do I need right now to feel good?”
Do what you like, spend time on what you want. At the same time, continue to be aware of where your child is, what he is doing and whether everything is okay with him! Install the “Where are My Children” application from the AppStore and GooglePlay services.
5 ways to control your anger
- Analyze in what situations your child’s behavior causes you to have outbursts of anger and whether something can be done to prevent these situations. For example, you get angry when your child is slow to get ready for school and is constantly late because of this. The solution to this problem would be to get up earlier, pack your briefcase in the evening and prepare your school uniform.
- If you feel anger literally covering you in a wave, mentally tell yourself “stop” and move away from the situation: go to another room, go outside, start doing household chores. All “debriefings” are done after you have calmed down and the child has calmed down.
- Ask yourself: “Do I want to yell at my child right now because I’m really upset by what he did or because I’m in trouble at work?”
- Be aware of the consequences of shouting. You will throw out all the accumulated negativity, and the child will suffer from aggression on your part.
- Do not forget: the necessary information can be conveyed to the child not only by shouting, but also in a calm tone. Over time, the child stops responding to the parent’s cry, as if defending himself from it.
Screaming in anger at a child and hitting him is contraindicated for education
To stop, use tips tested by other parents. Read carefully, think about each point. It's not scary if you recognize yourself. It’s worse if you want to leave everything as it is, continuing to get bogged down in this swamp.
Start with yourself
Can't help but scream and hit your child? There are few parents who are actually cruel and take joy in physically abusing their children. The overwhelming majority of mothers and fathers greatly regret their behavior, often cry with the offended child and ask for forgiveness.
A lot of work awaits you. Each time you will overcome the temptation to solve the problem of disobedience in a quick, familiar way. But over time, you will feel that the abolition of physical violence evens out the situation, makes children understanding, obedient, and establishes peace in the family.
What is needed for this?
Stop telling the little person how to behave. This doesn't work. He resists you, you attack him with pokes and slaps.
Show by your behavior what needs to be done. After all, children are our reflection.
Are you teaching order? Do you put all your things in their place?
Children don't let you rest after a working day? Do you do this when they come home from school or kindergarten? Or do you load them with things to do so that they are constantly busy, don’t play on the phone, don’t ask you to solve a problem?
In any situation, look at yourself and ask one question: how do I act in the same circumstances? You feel offended if your own child attacks you with fists, trying to take something by force. Why do you show that only physical violence produces results?
Causes of irritation
"Hurry up"
Modern man, it would seem, has everything: computers, phones, cars, microwaves and other things designed to simplify life. Desperately lacking only the most important thing - time. The accelerated pace of life carries us forward. And if something or someone tries to slow us down even a little, it’s terribly annoying. And this is understandable. Judge for yourself.
In the morning, you need to quickly push your child into kindergarten and get to work. In the evening, the child wants to show the drawing, cuddle, sit on his knees, and take a walk. No - mugs! After the club, quickly go home. You also have to prepare dinner, take care of small household chores, help your eldest prepare homework and, at least a little, rest. Then go to sleep quickly so that you can start over tomorrow. It’s not surprising that the child’s hundred thousandth request, “I want to slide down the slide for the last time,” can cause a mother to explode.
"Emotional swing"
Our generation was not treated very well when we were children. It was somehow not customary to take care of children's feelings. We dealt with our emotions ourselves as best we could. Many felt the lack of love. And so we grew up and had our own children. “Everything will be different in our family,” we decided and began to fully consider the feelings of our children.
And everything would be fine, but it’s not so simple. Sometimes children sit on their necks and dangle their legs cheerfully, feeling permissiveness; sometimes parents lash out at the model of parent-child relationships learned in childhood. The reasons may be different, but the result is the same - sooner or later parents lose their temper. Then comes the feeling of guilt. This is where the swing begins.
As a result, we allow everything to our children and try to deal with their emotions and reactions, then suddenly it bursts out “how long can you run around with him!” Then the race about “I couldn’t restrain myself again.” The parent is trying to make amends. The feeling of guilt is oppressive and haunts, which again leads to irritation. This completes the circle: irritation - guilt - irritation. And the further you go, the more difficult it becomes to get out of it.
"What will they think of me"
“In the group with my son, the girl already reads fluently, but she still can’t learn my alphabet.” So the mother laments and loses sight of the fact that her son is only five, and in general it’s normal that he doesn’t know how to read yet. Now it is more important for him to develop a love of reading. Mom overlooks the fact that this girl may not like books precisely because of the constant pressure to read from an early age. Unless, of course, she's a prodigy, which doesn't happen very often. But the parent, comparing his child not in his favor, begins to look at him critically, find fault and constantly pull him back. This kills the joy of communication and inevitably leads to chronic irritation.
Accept your anger and work with it
Many parents complain: “I yell and hit my one-year-old or three-year-old child, I can’t control myself, what should I do?”
This is where the negative emotion “anger” comes into play. While children are small, mother spends more time with them. She is very tired and has no energy for positive experiences. She knows and uses various calming techniques, but still complains that “At a certain moment I lose my temper, scream, and now I’ve already beaten him... What should I do?”
First, you need to understand that we often take out our anger on those we love. Especially on those who are weaker or silent. Emotions exist separately from our love. They originate in the brain. It is necessary to share them with feelings.
Take time to delve into yourself, notice when you begin to experience anger, clearly understand - is it needed now? Will it help improve the situation or, on the contrary, will it only worsen it?
It’s better when a child is not beaten for a broken cup, but quickly puts the pieces together, kisses, hugs, says “it happens” and happy go on with their business. Everyone's mood improves.
Kiss, hug him. This will not make him grow up to be a pampered person. On the contrary, having received enough warmth and affection in childhood, in adulthood a person will not look for a “nanny” for himself, but someone to whom he can give his care.
Why anger management is important for parents
If you feel sad, you cry; if you feel happy, you smile. People do not think about the manifestations of emotions: they just do what happens by itself. When you feel angry, you shout. This is a natural reaction, but if you want your family to be happy, you will have to learn to manage your anger.
It is important that you should not just yell at your children, but not yell at all (at your husband, pets, etc.).
When you stop giving in to anger, you will normalize your relationship with your partner and your own well-being.
Many parents experience emotional burnout. It is characterized by breakdowns, touchiness, and irritability. Usually the child is not even the cause of your aggression. You just don’t sleep enough, you’re tired of everyday life, you can’t cope with household responsibilities, you can’t find time to relax. Young mothers forget that they must take care of themselves. Remember the rule that airplane passengers are always reminded: first you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself, and only then on the child. This applies to all areas of life. You cannot help anyone while you yourself are suffering. This is the main recommendation on how to start enjoying life and stop taking it out on others.
Take care of your mental balance
You are tired during the day. I would like to say: “leave me alone, let me rest.” Better do the following.
While you cook dinner or wash the dishes, play calm games with your baby, such as words. Or give him a piece of paper, pencils, and let him draw his mother, sitting next to him at the kitchen table.
Did you turn on the TV and lie down on the sofa? Draw with your baby. Play with dolls, construction sets, cars. Little is needed from you - just help, you can lie down. 20-30 minutes of quiet activities, and a satisfied child will go about his business, and you will have a little rest.
Come up with little joys for yourself. Understand what you enjoy. Maybe it's a big teddy bear to hug, or a walk in the park in the rain. Museum, dancing, fishing, flowers - make your list and treat yourself from time to time.
This will make everyone feel good, but the question of how to restrain yourself so as not to hit the child will leave you. Calm parents mean calm children.
How to behave during a breakdown
There are several tricks that work.
Isolate the child
Find an interesting activity for your child and switch it up. Let him play in his room.
Isolate yourself from your child
Find something to do in your own room. DO NOT digest the situation, but distract yourself and do something useful.
Apply psychological techniques
There are many techniques. You can use breathing exercises, listen to music, or find your own good way to calm down.
Talk to someone
A conversation with a friend or any loved one or even a stranger is a good distraction.
Mistakes are part of life
Teach your children to this idea. Errors are an integral part of the learning process. Admit to yourself: “I beat my child.” Give him a hug and tell him straight out that you made a mistake. What to do? Ask for an opportunity to correct it. Children will understand that adults also make mistakes, but everything can be corrected. And then they will apply the same approach in another situation.
Some would argue that this is a long way to go. You can achieve something much faster if you use physical punishment from time to time.
But children remember the attitude towards them. Next time they will behave well not because they want to, but in order to avoid scolding from their parents, and not feel pushes and slaps. Or for a fee - toys, attractions, an extra hour on the computer.
And then they will give the same education, based on fear and profit, to their children.
Mothers often ask friends and specialists: “Why do I beat my older child, what should I do?” Because the little one is still weak and fragile, his parents don’t raise their hand to him. Bye. Later it will be his turn. In the meantime, the baby sees that the mother does not know how to restrain herself and not hit. He is happy with only one thing - good, I didn’t get it.
But this method will help to raise a weak creature who will try with all his might to avoid punishment, to be cunning, to dodge. A child whose parents don’t know how to stop yelling at a small child and hitting him on the bottom will begin to take revenge on his parents and take out his anger on those who are weaker (younger children, animals). Chain reaction. Therefore, physical violence is a dead end.
Advice from psychologists
- Always find time for your personal activities.
- The priority is the child. Household chores can be put off if the baby needs mom's attention.
- Don't be shy about warning other family members about your bad mood.
- Be able to ask for forgiveness and admit mistakes.
- Praise yourself. Under any circumstances.
- If signs of depression, etc., appear, go to a specialist and do not let the situation take its course.
- Always show love to your child. Whatever happens between you.
| How to become a child's best friend - you can from this article |
Don’t hit, advises Dr. Komarovsky
He himself admitted that at least once, his children received a “soft spot.” Sometimes this is the only quick way to stop a little person from taking the wrong step. The main thing here is not to cause pain, but rather to stun the child, to protect him from, for example, throwing himself onto the road or hitting his mother.
To parents’ requests to help them, to teach them how to stop beating their children for disobedience, Komarovsky answers briefly: “Don’t touch them with your finger. Under no circumstances. Only in emergency cases, but it won’t hurt.”
So, put yourself in the place of a little person, look at the world through his eyes.
If you don’t succeed right away, try again and again until you can completely refuse physical punishment. 1 thousand 5.0 Rate this article Published: 01/13/2021
Afterword
Yelling is a form of emotional abuse. It does not pass without a trace for the unborn child. By shouting, you create a loser scenario in your child, lower his self-esteem, and undermine his trust in the world.
And if you give up screaming, you will notice how children will begin to trust you, feel safe, and begin to open up. They will see you as an authority, an experienced adult who is in control of himself and the situation. Children will learn to solve their problems and respond adequately to contradictions. Think about what kind of future you want to give your children. They will definitely copy your behavior and reactions.
In conclusion, we recommend that you read our article “How not to yell at a child - advice from a psychologist.”
Say “I love you” more often.
This word is vital for any child. It calms him down and gives him a feeling of security. It unites you with invisible threads. Moreover, there is nothing more beautiful and purer than the love between mother and child. Our children are too defenseless in this world without our support and care. All the daily hustle and bustle is your choice. We create problems and worries for ourselves. And children cannot wait until a couple of hours are allocated for them. They love you around the clock and they need to know that this is not unrequited love.
