Probably, no action will cause more hostility in parents than a fight between their own children. Many parents try to intervene, but such attempts usually do not lead to the desired success. Sometimes they still manage to stop the fight from developing, but is it possible to prevent it from starting? It happens that parents are quite tolerant of fights among children and accept them as something inevitable.
Fathers and mothers often do not think about why quarrels and fights arise between children, but it would probably become easier for all participants in these unpleasant situations if parents realized their role in this phenomenon and the possible causes of conflicts. If your children often fight, think about how you build relationships between your beloved children, what methods of influence do you use on children? A fight can be easily provoked if:
- create rivalry between children, compare them with each other (“Look how much neater and more collected your brother is than you!” or “Can’t you study as well as your sister?”).
Each child can only be compared with himself, and it is advisable to emphasize not his mistakes, but his achievements, for example, “Today you did your homework much more accurately than yesterday”; - disrespect the child’s distinctive features and flaunt them in front of others
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for example, discussing his character traits or appearance in the company of adults or his peers.
Parents will only make the fight worse if they:
- stand up for this or that child or pass judgment (judge who is right and who is wrong)
; - deny negative feelings that children may experience towards not only strangers, but also siblings
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for example: “Why do you hate your sister so much? You love her... Besides, you’re older.” Comments like these only add fuel to the fire; - force brothers and sisters to share with each other;
- beg the child to renounce his claims in favor of a brother or sister;
- yell at children or spank them, taking advantage of them.
Let's say you realized the possible causes of the fight and tried to eliminate them. However, the fights did not stop. What to do? What can a parent do to stop fighting and teach children to deal with difficult situations without using force? Here are a few rules that are easy not only to remember, but also to follow.
Do not intercede (do not take the side of this or that child)
Do not take on the role of a judge, prosecutor or lawyer. Do not punish the guilty and do not console the innocent. If you feel that someone might be seriously harmed, silently prevent it. If, for example, one of the children takes a stick, you can silently
take it away from him without stopping the fight itself.
If you do this firmly, but at the same time in a friendly manner, without resorting to words
, then the responsibility for the fight itself will still lie with the children involved.
If you wish, you can silently and calmly
take them outside the place where the fight is taking place so that it does not cause you unnecessary worries and does not damage your home furniture. If you decide that you need to separate the children, take them both to separate areas so that they can cool down their ardor.
Example of father and mother
If parents constantly argue and claim that they annoy each other, then it is not surprising that children adopt this pattern of behavior and begin to find faults in those closest to them.
The same thing often happens when a father or mother also speaks negatively about their sister. In this situation, it is not surprising that children decided to follow in the footsteps of their parents. This is why psychologists recommend speaking very carefully about other relatives in the presence of children. Husband and wife should not quarrel in front of them and show them the wrong model of family life. It is because of this that sisters and brothers can have serious problems.
Calm fighting children
You can sit down to be the same height as them. Touch them tenderly. Look at each of them conciliatoryly, without judging or getting angry at anyone. There is no need to intimidate them to stop the fight. Don't resort to phrases like, "Your fighting just drives me crazy" or "If you don't stop fighting, I'll lock everyone in my room."
Don’t pass judgment on a dispute yourself, create equal conditions for both sides
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For example, if two sisters are arguing over which book to read, “put them in the same boat” by teaming them up by saying the following: “When you two decide which book to read, come and tell me.” This will keep you from passing judgment and having to choose which child to give your preference to, and will also teach them the ability to negotiate among themselves and be responsible in solving their own problems. If children are fighting over a toy, wait until they calm down, reach out to the object they are fighting over, and tell them the following: “You will get this toy again when you come to an agreement on how to share it so that no one was offended." Then leave the room with the toy and let them figure it out on their own. Teach them the ability to exchange toys and take turns replacing each other in any activity
. A good way to do this is to use a timer or clock to help young children do things in turn order.
What should you do if your brother or sister is upset?
If a brother or sister is upset, the first thing to do is let them talk .
Their speeches can be stormy and emotional, you should not be afraid of them and you need to be prepared for anything.
Leave all your advice for later, now the person just needs to feel that you are interested in his problems .
But during a monologue, you don’t just need to stand and watch, say a few words, agree, so that your family can see what interests you.
Hug your brother or sister, a person needs to feel warmth and love.
Hugs are the best way to express your concern. Be sincere, pat him on the head, put your hand on your shoulder.
Next, make sure your sister or brother is comfortable Give napkins, if necessary, bring them and cover them with a blanket.
Brew some tea, invite them to sit down and discuss everything over a cup of aromatic tea. Bring or cook some tasty treat or your brother/sister's favorite dish.
If a loved one asks for advice, then there is no need to rush and give a bunch of unnecessary advice. Perhaps now it will be better to just rest and “digest” everything, and the next day the right decision will not be long in coming. It’s not for nothing that they say that the morning is wiser than the evening.
Find out how you can help. Perhaps at this moment, your sister or brother will need help.
Be prepared to comply with their request. Try to make your brother/sister laugh.
Remember some funny and amusing incidents from your childhood, and laugh at them together.
Offer to go to your favorite place. Perhaps you have “your” places where you feel comfortable and like to spend your free time . Take a break from your problems and look there together.
And most importantly, always be there. If your sister/brother is very upset and has serious problems, then you should not leave them alone. Check on their well-being at all times.
But don't be too intrusive. Support them in every possible way and take care of them.
An example of ineffective conflict resolution
There was a crash. Mom quickly went down the stairs and found a lamp broken into pieces on the floor: “So, who did this?”
Sarah pointed an accusing finger at her brother: “This is Mike.”
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«You're lying all the time. I did not do it. It’s you,” Mike spoke in his defense. “You know that I don’t like being deceived! So who did it? - Mom demanded. And again both children began to deny their guilt and blame it on each other. Finally, mom turned to Mike:
“There’s always nothing but trouble with you, you’re the eldest, and it’s better for you to know how everything happened. Now put away your work and no TV for the rest of the week.”
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Parents' mistakes
The jealousy of one child towards another does not appear out of nowhere. This is primarily the fault of the parents themselves, who do not know how to correctly prioritize and dose their love. What to do if your sister is annoying? First of all, it is the mother and father who must intervene in this situation. Firstly, they must explain to the older child that when he was born, they also gave him warmth and care. Of course, he doesn’t remember this and therefore thinks that the attitude towards his little sister is completely different.
Secondly, parents of children must learn to distribute their love evenly. We must not forget that the older child still needs mom and dad and desperately requires their attention.
An example of a mother “putting her children in the same boat”
There's a crash!
Mom comes down the stairs and states: “It looks like something unpleasant happened to you.” Both children begin to blame each other. Mom hugs them both and says, “It doesn’t matter which of you broke the lamp, you better help clean up after yourself.”
The three of them remove all that is left of the lamp. Then the mother turns to them in a friendly tone with the following request:
“Now, are you both ready, from today, from your pocket money, to contribute 50 cents every week to the family budget in order to save enough money to buy a new lamp before Christmas?”
“But mom, it’s not fair. I didn’t break it,” Sarah complains.
“Do you have a better idea?” - asks mom.
“Yeah, make Mike pay. “He broke it,” Sarah demands. Mom answers:
“I won’t do this because I don’t want to stand up for any of you. If you have any other thoughts on this, let me know. In the meantime, I’ll keep 50 cents from your pocket money.”
Here you may be thinking to yourself: “But this isn’t fair!” Yes, sometimes the ideas of higher justice have to be sacrificed for the sake of effective educational influence on children.
Help your child express feelings
Name feelings. This is probably the basis for all other options. Hysteria is when you can't control your feelings. Therefore, by naming the child’s feelings, we make them smaller, give them a “name,” and therefore set boundaries. "You're angry. You offended. You’re sad,” and now the child already feels supported.
“Is this a small problem, a medium problem, or a big problem?” Just one question really helped me show my daughter that there are things that are easy to fix and not worth worrying too much about. There are things that require help or patience, and there are things that are sometimes impossible to cope with, but they can be overcome. The child's psyche is very plastic, and sometimes it is much easier for children to cope with disappointment than for adults.
“How angry are you?” This question gives the child the opportunity to express his feelings in physical form, and therefore release them.
“If I had a magic wand...” Sometimes it is important for children to feel that their desires are valuable and important for their mother and that it all depends on external circumstances. “If I could conjure soup right now, you and I would walk again and again, but I don’t have a magic wand, I’ll have to go home and cook it. Who do you think has magic wands? The kid gets distracted and goes home. Although not always, of course!
“What does your anger feel like?” Another variation of expressing your “huge” feelings on a human scale. “Is your anger like a hurricane? Noooo? Maybe a small bird that squeaks? Also no-no? Or maybe on a draco-o-she?! Three-headed!”
Tell about yourself. A good way for older children is to tell them how you were little and how hurt you were too when this happened. For example, “you know, when I was also three years old, my mother always took me away from the playground, but I wanted so much, I wanted so much to play more. And I also sat down and cried. It’s a shame, isn’t it?”
We, firstly, show the child his emotions, secondly, we say that we understand them, and, thirdly, we divide all this emotional burden into two.
Record complaints. In fact, the biggest challenge is dealing with a child's tantrum. Many people know about containment - a mother’s ability to “contain” children’s emotions. So, if the container is full and you feel that you are starting to get wound up, there is a way: bring a piece of paper with a pen and tell yourself that you will not absorb the child’s feelings now, but put them on the sheet.
- Why are you crying? It's a shame?
- Yeees…
- Okay, let’s write it down: it’s offensive.
Talk honestly. There are many ways to calm young children, but it is worth recognizing that older ones have tantrums too. And then, of course, it is important to honestly find out the reasons for the hysteria. And not reasons, but reasons. For example, the fact that a child does not want to get up early for school can only be a reason, and the reason will be that classmates are calling them names. Or vice versa.
Do the unexpected
For example, if your children are calling each other names, join them in a playful manner. In a few minutes, everyone will be laughing at the funny names they came up with.
By following these basic rules of constructive behavior to prevent children's fights, you will achieve the desired result, and perhaps over time you will be able to eradicate such an unpleasant phenomenon as children's quarrels, conflicts and fights, but I would like to offer a few more tips that relate to special cases.
- Instead of encouraging snitching (“Mom, Geri is hitting me!”), instead respond to it as follows: “You must be hurt. I wonder what you will do to ensure that he doesn’t do this again?” Usually children tell lies when they want the other person who offended them to have trouble with adults. If children realize that sneaking is not bringing them success, they tend to stop doing it.
- If your child always gives in and surrenders to the mercy of the winner, then teach him the ability to defend himself and defend his rights. For example, if your child usually starts crying in response to the rudeness and nagging of another, teach him how to shout at his offender: “Stop it!”, gradually raising his voice until the other one leaves him. Let him practice doing this with you.
- Teach them the ability to communicate effectively and authentically by saying things like, “I believe... when you... because... I want you to...”. You should not dilute communication with outbursts of anger and show aggressiveness in an effort to achieve the desired result.
- If children are jealous of their shortcomings, comparing them with the merits of others, let them understand that they themselves are whole and perfect individuals who do not have the same qualities as other people. For example, if Jennifer complains to you, “Mom, I'm not as pretty as Nathan,” respond with, “It's not that you're not like her. I love you because you are different from Nathan. You are both good in your own way. Why do I need two Nathan? We repeat, there is no need to encourage the spirit of competition in a child towards others . For example, if Rachel says, “Look, Mom, I got all the A's and Heather didn't,” respond with, “It looks like you tried really hard and did your best,” rather than, “That would be nice.” Heather should come to her senses and study just like you.”
- Teach them the ability to take initiative by coming to the aid of their brothers and sisters if they suddenly get into trouble or offend each other. For example: “Eric is sad about something. What could you do or say to make him feel better? Maybe it’s better for you to ask him about this yourself?”
And, of course, it would be good for any of us, an adult or a child, to remember the old proven remedy that helps stop a conflict at the very beginning - self-control technique : teach your child to take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, count to ten and say to himself: “I’m calm and I can handle it easily.” Using this exercise, show your child an example of self-control in your own ability to cope with your anger, express this feeling with dignity, without taking out your resentment on others.
Katherine J. Qualls Excerpts from Refocusing Children's Behavior (Parenting for Self-Esteem). "Dean". - St. Petersburg, 2000. Chapter 4
Competition
When two girls appear in a family, there is a high probability that one of them will be more sociable, popular and active. As a rule, the second sister grows up calmer and does not understand the frivolity of her loved one. Against this background, quite serious scandals often arise, especially if girls are forced to share the same room. In this case, while one daughter is trying to do her homework and be a diligent girl, her sister may start listening to music loudly, talking on the phone and disturbing her in other ways.
At the same time, relatives, neighbors and friends often speak flatteringly only about the daughter who is more beautiful. The second is forced to wait for the moment when her talents are noticed. To decide what to do if your younger sister is annoying you, parents first need to understand that young girls need personal space. If their interests and behavior are very different, it will be difficult for them to stay in the same room all the time. This very often leads to conflicts and difficult situations.
Having roughly decided on the reasons, it’s easier to figure out what to do if your sister pisses you off. Let's consider the main methods for solving such problems.
Root of Evil
If a child behaves aggressively, first of all, you need to try to understand the reasons for such behavior.
Psychologists believe that there are several main reasons:
Fear
The child feels insecure and afraid. After all, he himself is still a baby, and around him there is such a huge, unknown world, strangers, new places, a “new” child who has recently appeared in the family. Remember the famous words “the best defense is attack”? They are attributed to both Alexander the Great and Alexander Suvorov. However, no matter who says them, the main thing is that they are dictated by life itself. And young children who feel fear often act in full accordance with these words - they rush into battle at the first sign of danger, even if it is only apparent.
Jealousy
This may seem incredible, but no less often the cause of aggressive behavior is... jealousy. The child really likes the teacher, and he, driven by the pangs of jealousy, immediately starts a fight with those who claim her attention. The same can happen in a family, when jealousy becomes the root of evil that forces brothers or even sisters to fight.
Tensive atmosphere in the family
Unfortunately, the family situation often turns children into brawlers or brawlers. And we’re not just talking about obvious manifestations of aggression from parents or other family members. Children are able to sensitively capture the moods of loved ones and loved ones. Icy silence hurts them no less than screams and quarrels. And the result is anxiety and discomfort, which the baby can express in different ways, including outbursts of rage.
Dissatisfaction
Numerous prohibitions that many parents practice contradict the seeking, creative and world-exploring nature of children. Our endless “don’ts”, “don’t touch”, “get your hands off” force children to rebel.
Not a rare case
Before Vanya could go to kindergarten, problems began in the family. The grandmother, who usually dropped off and picked up the boy, soon categorically refused to do this: she was ashamed in front of the teachers and parents of other children for her grandson’s behavior. Vanya’s mother also went to kindergarten as if she were going to hard labor. Vanya bit, fought, scratched at the slightest provocation. And then he came up with a new prank: he squatted down, waited for the victim and sharply pulled the legs of the gaping person towards himself. He inevitably fell, and often at full height. When the teacher suffered from this evil prank, she could not stay on her feet and collapsed on the carpet, Vanya’s parents went with the boy to a psychologist.
Unfortunately, this is a fairly common case. From the age of one and a half to seven or even eight years, many children are prone to outbursts of rage. Parents, when faced with this behavior of their child for the first time, often panic. Why, the aggressor is growing.
However, psychologists argue that it is wrong to react in this way: after all, we all have aggression to one degree or another. This is nothing more than a visible manifestation of the instinct of self-preservation. It’s just that adults most often already know how to control themselves and control their behavior. And children have yet to learn this important skill necessary for life in society.
Straight Talk
What should I do if my husband’s sister or even my own blood is pissing me off? If we are talking about the girl’s own sister, then the problem needs to be solved by openly admitting everything. You need to invite your sister to a conversation and explain your dissatisfaction in detail. It is also worth asking her what, in turn, causes her irritation. Perhaps such a conversation will take place in a raised tone, but with a high probability, by opening the soul to a loved one, it will be much easier for the two sisters to improve their relationship.
If we are talking about the husband’s closest relative, then this situation is a little more complicated. In this case, you can also talk to the object of hostility. However, in such situations, it is usually better to set communication boundaries and come to a compromise.
