Consultation for parents “How to love a child?” Kindergarten teachers, school teachers and educators

Human feelings are the most mysterious phenomenon in the world. Their nature is still unknown, the reasons for their appearance and extinction are also unclear. We can only be guided by external factors that to some extent cause certain sensations in a person. In this article we will try to answer an extremely difficult question: how to love a child? Moreover, we immediately note that this will concern not only love for your own baby, but also such moments as the development of feelings for your adopted child and stepchild.

A short introduction

First of all, it is worth paying attention to such a moment as instinct, which prompts us to love this or that creature. Without this property of human nature, further development of stronger and spiritual qualities is impossible. So, what is maternal instinct in women? It is this term that will serve as our answer to all further questions that will be posed bluntly in the article.

Maternal instinct is not something directly related to a child being carried to term and born in pain, to the fact that he looks like you, etc. It is a feeling that is characterized completely differently, and here’s how. This term refers to the norms of behavior of an individual, in which it tries with all its might to protect a weaker individual. It does not matter whether there are family ties between two individuals or whether they are completely absent. The only important thing is that the defending side is larger, older, wiser and stronger, and the defendant, accordingly, loses in all these indicators.

Who is he, the one who is unloved

In fact, any, absolutely any child runs the risk of being unloved:

first or second, third... tenth;
son or daughter;
all children at once or just one;
quiet or noisy;
sick or healthy;
constantly sleeping or screaming at night;
newborn or teenager;
yours or someone else's.

In this case, the child himself is not to blame for anything at all. And he cannot, even before birth, suddenly decide to irritate his own mother and cause complete negativity in her. Every child is born full-fledged, correct, necessary, talented. Everyone deserves happiness. And it’s not him you need to deal with

More precisely, you don’t need to sort it out with anyone at all, but rather pay attention to the essence of the problem. But more on that later

We and the animals

First of all, for clarity of further conclusions, let's look at mammals and their types of behavior. They are the closest to people in biological and mental structure (unlike reptiles or insects, for example), they are simply not endowed with such high intelligence, the gift of speech, they do not know how to discover something new, etc.

However, the set of instincts in humans and animals is approximately the same. Among their many, there is also a maternal one, which, in fact, is one of the key ones in procreation. Its essence was described above, so we move on to consider its existence within a particular biological species.

For animals, there is no such thing as lack of maternal instinct. They a priori take care of their own offspring, putting the interests of the cubs above their own. Moreover, in animals this quality is so highly developed that they are able to care for even other people’s cubs that are orphaned or lost.

In a basic understanding, for a person everything should work exactly the same. But the catch is that we are also endowed with such a concept as a worldview, which is formed mainly on the basis of the environment.

The current world is fundamentally different from the one in which our cave ancestors lived. Nowadays there is a lot of stress, prejudices, expectations, standards, etc., which radically changes not only the worldview, but also the basic set of instincts and the manner of their manifestation. In other words, some social attitudes can damage the nature of maternal love, and a woman will seriously begin to wonder how to love a child, since she sincerely will not be able to do this.

Relationship with adult daughter

Conflicts are not uncommon in this case either. It would seem that the child has grown up, you need to forget about all the differences and just enjoy communication. Moreover, now she also has a lot of her own affairs and worries, so spending the whole day together becomes problematic. But conflicts between them happen very often. Why does a mother hate her adult daughter? There can be many reasons:

— The daughter is perceived as a little girl. There may be several reasons for this. This is the fear that the girl will grow up and leave. And her mother constantly proves to her that she is stupid, doesn’t know how to do anything and should listen to advice. There is another option. The mother is afraid of old age and death, so she suppresses her daughter’s natural desire to grow up. As long as she remains small, mom will be young. — The views on life of a girl who is already 20 or 30 years old can be very different from those held by her mother. This applies to the choice of profession and life partner. And the reason for this usually lies in the mother’s unfulfilled dreams. Through their children, parents try to realize what they failed to achieve. That is, the mother is trying to make her daughter happy, the way she wanted to be. But the tragedy is that she has her own ideas about happiness. This gives rise to conflicts and mutual hatred. — Competition with my daughter. And this also happens. Why do mothers hate their daughters? Because they are young, beautiful, loved and successful. That’s why they try every time to show in word and deed that they can do everything much better. This is usually observed in those women who, in childhood, were given other children as examples. This mechanism was established for many years. — Clarification of relationships and making claims. The reason is this: at one time, my mother obeyed her parents and gave up her own desires. She expects this from her child. Essentially, it is based on the desire to receive recognition and gratitude. She once sacrificed a lot for her daughter. And now she could spend time with her mother, and not go on a date.

Why does the problem exist?

If maternal instinct is a natural thing, inherent in every individual (and regardless of gender), then why do many women still ask everyone around them and themselves about how to love a child? The lack of warm feelings for a weaker creature, who is also the successor of your own family, can be caused by many reasons. And here are some of them:

A woman prefers the role of a careerist, wife or lover, not seeing herself as a mother.
At heart, the fairer sex remains a child herself, so the birth of a baby is always put off until “when I grow up.”
There are serious mental disorders that block the manifestation of certain instincts.
The woman herself was not loved as a child, and was not shown how it was to show love and care for her offspring.
The presence of various kinds of phobias, which, in fact, also equates to mental disorders. Fears are so strong that they simply prevent a woman from fully engaging in maternal responsibilities.
Pregnancy from an unloved man.
Reluctance to have a child.

Regarding the last point, reluctance to have a child may be caused by one of the reasons listed above, or it may have other reasons. But it is important to note that absolutely all of these provisions relate exclusively to the modern world and its structure. And for a woman who lived several thousand years ago, all of them were alien, she did not see any obstacles to the birth of a child, and further love for him.

Bad genes and good upbringing

The heredity of adopted children should be discussed separately. There is a strong belief that “good” children are not given away, and in orphanages there are only “genetic garbage”, with a medical history of a hundred pages. This confidence can affect the entire subsequent upbringing of the baby. It is fears of heredity that force adoptive parents to attribute any deviation from the ideal scenario to genes. A three-year-old baby refuses to eat and cries not because he is of the age of self-determination, “but bad inclinations have started talking.” A universal justification for any difficulties with former orphans. The task of parents in this case becomes constant observation, and not prevention of bad habits. Upbringing in many ways gives rise to any heredity in “natural” families. To be afraid of a natural predisposition, as well as to fight it, is a pointless waste of effort. Lack of care and emotional contact will be of great harm to the child. Attempts to artificially evoke love, to force oneself to fall in love, in many ways give rise to unnecessary tension and anger - towards oneself, towards the child, towards the whole world. Attachment can arise spontaneously or take a long time. Primary feelings, sympathy, which is felt at first sight, are also important. If it did not arise at the very beginning, it is better to wait with the choice. Children raised in groups are truly different from those raised in families. For those thinking about adoption, there are some personality characteristics to consider for your adopted child.

An unwanted gift from fate

It is when, in the presence of one or more of the above reasons, a woman nevertheless becomes pregnant and keeps the baby, the real problems begin. On the one hand, the rules established in society dictate that she love her child and be a good mother. But on the other hand, the same norms previously laid in her the attitudes of a careerist, a “Stepford” wife (but not a mother), coldness towards children, or something else. It turns out to be a vicious circle, and the victim in it is the young mother, and subsequently her baby.

In such a situation, it is difficult to understand how to love your own child if the woman simply did not want him and had other plans for life. However, he has already been born, he is not going anywhere, and something needs to be done so that this little man, who is completely innocent and has just come into this world, grows up healthy, smart, well-mannered and, most importantly, loved. Therefore, we will begin with a description of how dislike manifests itself, and then we will look at the first stages of life that a mother spends with her baby.

Unloved children &ndash, consequences

The worst consequence is the inability and unwillingness to love oneself, which they carry with them throughout life.

This unloved child will feel guilty: this feeling pushes one to aggression, another to fear of people and the world as a whole, a third to the desire to prove something about himself to everyone all his life.

In a word, a neurotic is growing up who will spend his life fighting windmills and will deny himself happiness.

Unloved children, causes and consequences:

Manifestation of dislike

There are no sophisticated tests or psychological terms that describe this situation. Both the mother herself and everyone around her always see when she loves her child and when she doesn’t. How can dislike manifest itself? As a rule, this is signaled by the following factors:

The young mother is constantly in decline. Otherwise, this is called postpartum depression, and we will talk about this in detail below. In general, the situation can be described as a complete withering of personality, unwillingness to do anything, and especially to take care of the baby.
Mom puts her interests above the baby's. For example, he spends money not on him, but on shopping, spends time not with the baby, but at work or with friends.
She is irritated by children's crying, if the child is older, then by whims, requests, behavior. She constantly loses her temper, even if the baby just addresses her.

It is important to note that the loss of maternal feelings can happen to a woman at any stage of her relationship with her baby. That is, she can love him when he is still a baby, but then, when the child grows up and acquires a character, misunderstandings will begin, which will cause rejection. This topic will also be discussed in more detail below.

Possible reasons

Postpartum depression can cause dislike for her child.
The fact that a mother does not feel tenderness for her child can be influenced by problems of a psychological nature.

A mother may not perceive her baby’s growing up and age-related changes. For example, women who love to tinker exclusively with babies, and as soon as the child gets older, they lose all interest in him. And then the following picture is observed when new children are constantly born into the family, and adults cause a feeling of alienation in the mother. There are also other situations when a young mother is afraid of her tiny child, thinks that she does not love him, but as soon as he grows up, he gets along well with him.
The complex character of a child can also cause negative emotions in his mother, especially if their temperaments do not match at all. Such a mother cannot coexist with a baby who irritates her.
The toddler may not meet the parents' expectations. This is expressed in his appearance or mental abilities, or even in the absence of any talents.
Do not forget about such a concept as instilled dislike. Here we have a situation where a woman is constantly whispered that she is a bad mother, that she is raising her child incorrectly, that she does not love him. This influences the emergence of a neurotic situation and the fact that over time the woman herself begins to believe in the truth of these statements. Then all maternal feelings are inhibited, and there is a fear of hearing criticism addressed to oneself.
A woman’s inability to express her feelings from the outside may seem like a sign of dislike for her child.
The woman had previously been betrayed by a loved one, such as a father who abandoned their family or a man who cheated on her. For this reason, she may be afraid to give her feelings to the child.
A situation happens when, after the birth of a baby, a young mother cannot feel any affection for him, does not experience tender feelings, and the cause is postpartum depression.
Inability to love due to infantility.
A situation where a woman was disliked by her parents as a child can influence their child to copy their behavior model.
An unplanned pregnancy, which has become a hindrance in studies, in arranging a personal life, has broken a career, can cause dislike for the child or even hatred.
A woman may begin to be annoyed by a teenager, as his studies will become worse, he will begin to be insolent, and will stop obeying.

Postpartum depression

It’s hard to believe, but every tenth woman in the world suffers from such a mental illness. There are those who heroically struggle with oppressive feelings on their own, and through force begin to love their baby. Others walk around gloomily, doing household chores and caring for the baby like a robot. Only a few turn to loved ones for help, and a few turn to specialists. But it is the last option that is the wisest.

Even those women who planned their pregnancy often ask themselves and psychologists how to love their child after childbirth, because feelings don’t always come when you’re expecting them? Depression of this kind can be caused by many factors, and those described above in the section “Why does the problem exist?” are only part of them.

Let us note right away that many couples do not think ahead, imagining their future with a baby as something like a rosy dream. If a girl, being married to a loved one, planned the birth of a baby with him, and suddenly, when he was born, everything went wrong somehow, the following points may be the reason for this:

A woman has absolutely no time for herself, and she understands this on a subconscious level. She is forced to hide her “I” until better times, and completely surrender to the child.
The relationship with my husband changes radically. The child now sleeps in their bed, it serves as a kind of obstacle to the development of their personal life.
A young mother sits at home, and her husband disappears at work. This is causing considerable concern.

The role of the mother in personality formation

What is motherhood? Unconditional love? Self-sacrifice? Lifetime liability? – This comprehensive word includes all these concepts. After all, the formation of the daughter’s personality, her perception of herself and the world around her largely depend on the behavior of the parent. So, what does mom mean to a little girl?

Feeling of security. Mom is the person in front of whom the baby should not be afraid to be herself. Clumsy, with tattered knees, a love for “boyish” cartoon series and sports. A zone free of judgment and the need to adapt will allow her to form her own vision of the world through trial and error.
The right to be a child. A girl, next to whom there is an adult, responsible and mature personality, can calmly go about her “childish things”: play with dolls, play pranks, walk and learn. The absence of the burden of adult responsibilities and knowledge is what every child has the right to.
An example of social interaction. If a mother on the playground constantly gossips about her neighbors and expresses her dissatisfaction with her husband, this will be reinforced in her daughter as an a priori correct and acceptable model of behavior. That is why young parents should pay as much attention as possible to introspection.
An example of a wife. According to statistics, more than 50% of childhood injuries were caused by forced viewing of parental scandals. Every dissatisfied grimace of the mother, a quarrel behind closed doors and an unflattering review of the father as the head of the family is deposited, if not in the memory, then in the subconscious of the baby.
The ability to love and be loved. By observing her mother's behavior, the girl answers many important questions for herself. Do parents love each other or just live together? What actions express her warm feeling? Is she expecting something in return or are her actions selfless? Does she know how to accept signs of attention or does she push them away?

Almost the entire future life of her daughter depends on the mother

“Mom is the first word, the main word in every destiny...” - Remember this song? With the awareness of the influence that the mother’s life position has on the formation of her daughter as an integral, separate person, it acquires even more meaning.

If you are not sure of your own viability as a mother, seek help from a professional psychologist. A specialist will help you identify and resolve family conflicts.

How to cope?

It is at this stage that a competent answer from a specialist on how to love your child can become the key to further happy developments throughout the rest of his life. Therefore, it is extremely important to contact a psychologist with this question, and not endure and suffer. Don't be afraid to tell him about your thoughts and feelings, even if they seem sinister to you. After all, you decided to fight them, so go to the end.

The second thing that can help is books on family psychology. Among them we can name the creation of Elena Kovalchuk “Down with postpartum depression. A Guide for Expectant Mothers”, as well as “A Special Relationship” by Douglas Kennedy, “Taking Love” by Jodi Picoult or “A Mother’s Story” by Amanda Prowse. It is possible that you can read these books on family psychology and at the same time discuss them with your specialist, making treatment even more effective.

It is also extremely important that the correct attitude towards such a vulnerable mother be developed on the part of all her household members, and most importantly, her husband. You cannot ignore her condition, you cannot blame her for one or another of her mistakes. Phrases such as “get yourself together, you wimp,” “you’re a woman and a mother, you have to do everything,” “children are our everything,” etc. will have the opposite effect.

A woman who is in a state of postpartum depression wants to hear words that will support her personally, and remind her that they love her too, and not just the baby, that they care about her too. If you continue to pressure and blame her, she will become even more angry, and things could turn out very badly. Household members should relieve her a little, give her time to rest, sit a little with the child, or help with household chores. Gradually, the tension will subside, and the young mother will be able to look at the situation sensibly and fall in love with her baby again.

How to love your own child? Or am I completely sick in the head?

Good afternoon, dear forum users. I don't have the strength to hold it in anymore. I am writing to speak out and find a way out of this situation. You can throw slippers and tomatoes and say how stupid I am, I understand that myself. The problem must be solved somehow.

There will be a lot of words for those who finish reading, thank you. Maybe someone can recommend a psychologist or something. I’ll just start from afar, maybe this will also help the situation. I am 29 years old, born and live in Moscow. She was born into a complete family, she has an older brother and sister (sister is 11 years older, brother is 18 years older). I am a late child in the family, I was born to my mother at 40 years old. There was never any violence in the family, I can say for sure that my parents love me madly, we always lived in abundance, in general, everything was fine. I think we were raised well.

They always said if you want to achieve something, do it yourself and strive, no one will do it for you, no one will learn to work. Until I was 6 years old, I spent all my parents’ working time with my grandmother, in the summer I was with her in the village, my parents only came on weekends. Of course I remember that I missed my mother very much. Then my grandmother began to get sick and could no longer sit with me. When I went to school, my mother left work for me to take me everywhere and study with me. I have always loved and love my mother very much, for me she is the ideal of family relationships, beauty, home comfort, and everything in life, and most importantly, love for children. I have always dreamed and dream of being like her. And in my situation I think, well, how can I not be just like her? So to love? To be honest, I was always afraid of my father, he was strict, and he worked a lot; he was always on business trips in Europe. Let's move on...

In general, I entered and studied at Moscow State University. Lomonosov, then got a shitty job for pennies, but my dad always said, you have to achieve it yourself, although he had a lot of connections and acquaintances. Then I was terribly offended by him, now I’m grateful. I was able to rise from a meager salary to a good position and salary. I have absolutely no grudge against anyone, I like everything in life and in myself (at the moment the exception is my son). I am quite beautiful, with a good figure, even being bogged down in household chores and maternity leave, men now pay attention to me. My husband and I have been together for 9 years, I can say for sure that I love him, he has made me softer and more tolerant of many things. We don't argue, we always look for compromises. They didn’t think about children because there was no money, money appeared and they traveled around the world. More precisely, I always thought and wanted. I always thought that I would love my child as much as my mother did us. As a child, there were a lot of dolls and toys; my dad always brought toys from Europe, which were not available in the 90s. They refused almost nothing, but at the same time they educated the person. Last year we decided that we both wanted a child, everything worked out in the 3rd month of planning. Of course, I dreamed of a daughter, a princess, I just wanted her to have the same life as mine and even better. And I never saw myself as a boy’s mother, by any means. Well, here’s the long-awaited pregnancy. At first I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy, but I was sure that everything was ok. They sent me for cleaning, which I didn’t go to, but in the end they saw that after all, the child was in the right place. Only I know how much I frayed my nerves and shed tears over this. Next, I don’t know why I automatically bought pink socks, I just didn’t even think that I could have a boy. But, alas, the ultrasound did not show a girl at 20 weeks. Of course, I was not upset to the point of tears and hysterics, as many write on the forums. Deep down, it was a shame that everything was not the way I wanted. But she assured herself that as long as it was healthy, that one should love any child whom God gave and should be. Slowly I began to buy things and other things for the child. I don’t feel sorry for any money for my child; I bought the best. When choosing clothes for a boy, our hands reached out to girls’ outfits, strollers, etc. An inner voice said: “Well, why, why not a girl? Each time I calmed myself down and internally convinced myself that it was all nonsense. I will love when it is born. There was always an inner hope that the ultrasound was wrong, but at the second ultrasound they said it would be a boy. And again I convince myself that I will fall in love, the main thing is that it is healthy. But what if the ultrasound was wrong? The husband said that he would love the child regardless of gender. I went well throughout my pregnancy, there were no threats, no toxicosis, no pressure, no swelling, we allowed ourselves to go to the seaside several times, I worked until the end. BUT!!! At 36 weeks I get up at night to go to the toilet and my water suddenly breaks. Shock and fear is an understatement. We called an ambulance and they took me to the maternity hospital. There was no contract with a specific maternity hospital or doctor. They took us where we thought it was necessary. The labor was long, from the moment the water broke - 19 hours. There was no dilatation, the IVs didn’t help, they didn’t want to cut, they said that according to CTG the child was fine and wasn’t suffering from oxygen starvation. The weight according to ultrasound was 3 kg. I was still thinking to myself at 36 weeks???

During childbirth I also thought, what if a girl is born like that and all 3 ultrasounds were wrong? And the inner voice kept repeating: “Well, what a fool you are, pray that the child is healthy.” I gave birth to a boy, naturally not 3 kg, but 2600 in total, the Apgar score was 8/9, he was placed on his stomach, and applied to the chest. I’m all so happy... Then they took me to weigh me and said that the baby is underweight, 2600 in total, 48 cm, we’re taking him to the children’s department to gain weight, we don’t leave such little ones with their mother, all the questions the next day after 12. I’m in shock, in tears, snot , no one can hear me. Something else went wrong with the release of the placenta, the uterus did not begin to contract, blood poured out of me like a river, all the doctors ran in and began to fuss, and I just kept telling them about the baby, give it back, give it back, but no one heard me. For about 3 hours the doctors dealt with me about my blood loss, and for 4 hours I lay alone in the postpartum room with the girls who had babies nearby. All this time I looked at my congratulatory badge about the birth of a baby and cried, looking at the happy mothers with their children. After 7 hours, I was transferred to a ward with a girl like me without a baby. The next day we were allowed into therapy to see the child and talk to the manager. They said that the child was completely healthy, but underweight, and would be transferred to a children's hospital for observation. I'm in tears again. She asked for a transfer so that we could be together, that we would pay any money for staying together. Refusal that they do not have such an opportunity. Neither persuasion nor money helped. They did not allow me to pick up the child in the children's department, although he was not connected to any devices and was not lying in an incubator. They didn't even let me breastfeed. They said, just sign out and do whatever you want with your child, but now we are responsible for him and know better what is good for him. But what could be better than mother’s warmth and breast milk, I thought. Mixture and indifference of nurses? The child was transferred to the hospital's children's department on the second day. Again tears, tears and tears. How I wanted to be with my child in those moments is simply beyond words. It seems to me that the whole floor heard me sobbing. And it became even more difficult because there were only three rooms for single mothers on the entire floor, the rest were all with children. Their scream simply drove me crazy, walking along the corridor through the transparent doors you look at the happiness that you can hold in your arms, that the baby is with his mother. This made me so sad. I called the children's department of City Clinical Hospital 70 2 times a day and heard the doctor's answer - everything is fine with you, the child is stable, eating, when will you come to the baby? And what did I answer? They won't discharge me because... the uterus is not contracting, there are 3 cleanings and 1 curettage, the total number of days in the maternity hospital is 12 (!!!). I thought I was going crazy, the baby was alone on formula, and I was pouring my milk into the sink. My neighbor was discharged on the 3rd day, and I was alone with my thoughts and tears. The doctor of the children's department of City Clinical Hospital No. 70 asked every day when you would come to the child, what happened? I was so ashamed in front of her and the baby. It seemed to me that she didn’t believe me, that I was in the maternity hospital for 12 days with bleeding and 3 cleanings and curettage. That I just left him. All this time I dreamed of holding the baby in my arms, dreamed of how we would be together, in general, I imagined the best time for us to spend together. Having been discharged from the maternity hospital on the 13th day (and behind me a full 12 days in this hell). The next day I was already in the children's hospital in the morning and talked with the doctor.. And they told me we are discharging you tomorrow, it is not clear why the child was torn away from you , why they brought a healthy baby. He is gaining weight well. Get ready to check out tomorrow. Go meet the baby, breastfeed, if that doesn’t work, then use expressed milk. Tears flowed in 25 streams, I did not understand why 2 weeks simply threw my child out of my life, and his mother. When I saw him I felt so sorry for him. Pity and nothing more... I took him in my arms and felt nothing, as if he were a stranger. Nothing happened naturally with my breasts, as the nurse in the children’s department tried to help me all day. There was just a lot of milk. In 2 times I could pump for a whole day for all feedings. I sat and worried that in 2 weeks they had accustomed the child to a bottle and formula. The child did not understand what breasts were and how to suck. The next day we were discharged home. I thought that everything would go differently at home, that now it was just stress, that love for the child would awaken. But nothing changed at home, at first I got used to the new regime and simply did everything automatically - pump, feed, change clothes, wash, wash, etc. I fought for breastfeeding for I don’t know how long... I didn’t feed the baby just to take the breast, but in the end, after almost 3 days of fasting, the baby didn’t take the breast, I gave up this idea and fed him with expressed milk (in total I fed him with expressed milk for more than 6 months ). I blamed myself for being such a failed mother, I couldn’t bear a child, I couldn’t breastfeed... Everything is wrong. And in general, I dreamed that everything would be different. And the inner voice repeated again. It doesn’t happen the way you wished and planned. Say thank you that everything is fine. And millions of mothers do not breastfeed, and no one has died, and everyone is happy and loves children. Again, I thought, why not a girl, I would love her and everything would be different. When I go out every day, I look at girls’ strollers, I’m moved by the grown-up girls, and I think, why don’t I have a girl? I don't know how to deal with this. My baby is not to blame for anything. I was such a fool that I got it into my head that I should only have a girl and that’s it.

10 months have already passed and nothing has changed, I ask every day, but why not a girl, why? Everything would be different. But why is it different? I don’t feel anything, as if this is a stranger (the child is 100% ours, a copy of dad). There is no connection, no love that everyone talks about. I go to bed at night and think it would be better not to have him. Or me. I just can't do it anymore. I just do it all automatically. I do development work simply through force. I just put myself in his place and think, what if they didn’t work with me? Didn't play or teach? What is he to blame for? He is a person and should grow up as a person, and not some kind of idiot. He should grow up happy no matter what. I laugh with him through force, play through force, go for walks twice a day, because I have to. I must, must, must, must. I can’t do it anymore... I don’t want him... I wish I could return everything...

All boys' toys, these cars and other nonsense irritate me. I don’t know how to raise a boy, and then a man... I can’t imagine. I understand everything with the girl. (By the way, I don’t have any hatred towards men, no one offended me or anything...)

He’s a very cute child, he’s cute, let’s go to the clinic or somewhere else, many mothers are touched, the doctors keep saying how cute he is, what eyelashes, etc. There was nothing left of the 2600; at 9 months I already weighed almost 10 kg. He constantly laughs and smiles. He walks on his own using a support. Stands by itself. Says some words. His dad loves him madly. I look at them and think, but why don’t I have such love for him? Why am I, like a robot, just trying to develop it. And in my soul I have such ice towards him. I don’t offend the child, I don’t yell at him. It’s obvious that he’s asking to be held in my arms; sometimes I push him away, I just don’t want to hold him in my arms. He sometimes looks at me like that. It's as if his eyes are saying: But why? For what? Am I that good? What is my fault? Sometimes I want to kill myself, because he really deserves my love, but he doesn’t have it. He is completely problem-free, sleeps well, plays, and enjoys everything. I have to thank God for this. Why do I need such happiness that I don’t appreciate? I think about this every night... I tried to talk to my husband, but about 5 months ago he just smiled and said that you’re just depressed, look how good he is. How can you not love him? Yesterday I tried to talk for the second time, I was completely lost, it’s just that if I didn’t speak out, I would simply eat myself up from the inside. I just can’t get these thoughts out of my head. My head is crazy. For the past 10 months I have been having almost the same dream that I am having a premature birth, that my baby is being taken away from me, that he is premature. I'm tired of waking up to this horror. My husband says that I have just given myself the same standards as everyone else. As it is written somewhere that the pregnancy is exactly 40 weeks, everyone is born with an approximate weight of 3500, they are in the maternity hospital for 3 days and return home happy with balloons and flowers, everything is fine and wonderful, they are breastfed until 1.5-2 years. But that doesn't happen. I think I understand this, but I’m eating myself up from the inside again. My husband said that 10 months is not long, and I will love him. And I answered that I know myself and nothing is waking up, I won’t be able to love him. He was offended...

I blame the doctors at the maternity hospital for all this, because if they hadn’t taken me away, I would have felt differently. And again, I understand that it’s good to always look for the culprits...

What to do? How to find a way out? Sometimes I don’t even believe that it’s me...

Child growing up

It happens that a mother endlessly loves a child in infancy. And many people mistakenly believe that this period is the most stressful, since the baby is literally not released from their hands. They believe that later he will learn to walk, talk, become more independent and everything will become easier. But the situation, on the contrary, is becoming more complicated.

The baby not only grows up, but also becomes more inquisitive. He begins to demand more attention to himself, and declaring this in words. Moreover, a character awakens in him, which simply causes bewilderment in his mother. Before this, he was a “babe” whom everyone only admired, but now he is capricious, shows dissatisfaction, overdoes it, etc. Here the question arises, how to love your child if he simply pisses you off and irritates you on every occasion?

First of all, we note that a similar situation can arise not only in the child’s kindergarten age, but also in adolescence. She is identical in both of these cases, and the mother behaves the same in both cases. It just all depends on the type of psyche of the child. Either his character will begin to manifest itself from an early age and he will “set the heat” as soon as he learns to walk, or he will be submissive for a long time, and upon reaching puberty, he will begin to “open up.”

Fear of intimacy

Fear of being used. When the first experience of intimacy with your mother was so difficult and traumatic, it is difficult to build close and warm relationships with other people. You constantly expect a trick from them. This is how counter-dependence is formed - “I am all by myself.” And “I don’t need anyone.” He perceives any attempts by others to get closer to him very warily and painfully. He immediately pulls away. Otherwise you never know. He also evaluates what they will want in return. Mom often wanted something. She didn’t just want, but demanded - to be independent, not to be a burden, not to annoy, not to interfere, to help.

What, you recognized yourself, took out tissues and wiped away your tears? No need. How old are you? 25, 34 or 43 and your mother didn’t love you? Bad luck. Terrible. My mother didn't love me either. But I grew up a long time ago and learned to turn everything sad into my own good. Sensitivity helps me a lot in my work as a psychologist. The rest of the experience provides inexhaustible food for introspection and topics for articles.

It’s difficult to live with my mother’s dislike. But it’s even more difficult to live without love at all. You can't change your mother. But you can change yourself. You can learn to love yourself. And build relationships.

I won't lie, the wound will heal. No, she will always be with you. And every time you come across someone mom loves, she will whine. How mine whines when I hear my adult friends complaining: “Mom comes and fries cutlets for breakfast every morning, but we don’t eat cutlets for breakfast, we eat oatmeal, and mom gets offended, and this cutlet smell is in the whole apartment.” If only you knew how much I want my mother’s cutlet. How ready I am to eat it for breakfast, lunch, and even dinner after six. But there are no cutlets for a long time. And my mother is no longer there.

But there is me. There is you. And the rest of our lives to make it the way we like it.

Photo - Lori's photo bank

Solving the problem

No matter how trivial and annoying it may sound, it’s worth calming down and stopping. Stop the flow of criticism and dissatisfaction that you emit towards your child, even if he does not express it directly. Stop blaming your baby for his actions, whims, and words. To understand how to love a child, you need to look at the world through his eyes.

If you have a baby in front of you who has just started kindergarten, don’t expect her to strive for order, responsibility, or understand your problems. This child is learning about the world, he is interested in everything, he still does not know what evil, negativity, stress, etc. are. And he should not learn this from you. Therefore, if there are problems in your professional or personal life, correct them, and then your child’s behavior will not seem so annoying to you.

If a teenager has “nerves trembling”, then this is to some extent normal. You just need to wait out the period, plus remember that many of its negative qualities are nothing more than a reflection of your upbringing. Again, understand yourself, pay attention to the positive aspects of your child, praise him more, and you will notice that the situation will soon change, you will again understand how to love a child for who he is.

Respect your body and your mind

Let's consider the psychologist's sixth advice on how to love yourself.

Respecting your body and mind means that you love yourself as a spiritual person, capable of thinking and being aware, and you love and take care of your healthy body.

Respecting your body means leading a healthy lifestyle

How to respect your body:

Do not drink alcohol, cigarettes or other harmful substances. You must love your body, and love for it is expressed by the fact that you do not stuff it with harmful smelling, alcoholic, inhaling things and do not undermine its health.
Develop your body, go to the gym. Feel the pain of muscle growth when you realize that your muscles are using their full potential and you are using them correctly. This is wonderful.
These feelings of developing body muscles and eating the right foods give you greater confidence and lightness in your body. Appreciate your body for it.

People become drunkards and live their lives this way because they hate themselves and know nothing about how to learn to love and value themselves.

Respect your mind and consciousness, do not feed it with false information

What does this mean and how should it be implemented:

You don't need to watch junk on TV.
You need to think positively, have clear and precise thoughts. Have pure thoughts. And then you will close your questions about how to get rid of fear and uncertainty.
You remove all negative thoughts that only hinder your progress.
You need to develop your mind, explore new concepts, ideas, topics, look for better solutions.
Let your mind rest.
Meditate. You can read more about how to meditate properly.
Show him that you respect him.

The introduction of these principles will be one of the main trump cards that closes the question of how to start loving yourself.

Negative consequences

To conclude this topic, it is worth saying that your shortcomings while your child is growing up can negatively affect not only his future, but also the future of your grandchildren. The most important quality that an unloved child will inherit in adulthood, in relationships, in interactions with his own offspring is the inability to love.

He will ask the same questions as you, suffer, suffer. All because you simply didn’t show him what it is - love and harmony in the family, care, affection, spiritual comfort. A vicious circle will begin that will be very difficult to break. Therefore, it is best to make a break right now in order to protect your own family from making the same mistake.

Is it necessary to show feelings?

It’s corny, but that’s what they were born for .

In order for a person to grow up healthy, and not a neurotic with a bunch of problems, he needs experience in love. He will build many things in the future on the foundation laid in childhood.

Love nourishes, it gives a child self-confidence , and determines the very essence of his existence.

And it is expressed not in the high cost of toys and the coolness of organizing a child’s birthday, but in daily attention - the most precious thing you can give him is your time. As it has been wisely noted: to raise a child well, spend less money on him, but more time.

Childfree, pregnancy: pros and cons. Psychology:

Someone else's child

Adoption is a much more serious and responsible step than the birth of your own baby. These are completely different feelings, situations and ways to resolve psychological problems. There is no single guide on how to love an adopted child, since each case is fundamentally different. But there are some tips that will help establish contact between adoptive parents and the orphanage baby:

Love your child “by touch.” This requirement is the most important, since children who find themselves without the care of biological parents need tactile contact more than anyone else.
Prove your love through actions, not words. For example, teach your child to play the guitar if he has been asking for it for a long time, and do not force him to read books forever “for his own good.”
Be proud of your child's achievements. In this way you will raise its importance in your own life.
Remember that children are our everything. And it was with these thoughts that you went to take custody of your baby. If the baby ends up in your family, it means there are reasons for it, and all adversity is only temporary.

Why does the baby say that no one loves him?

Everything is simple here - he does not feel love in the sense of the word in which he understands it.

The child may still be a growing organism, still a fool in your vision, but the child’s soul is sensitive to deception and falsehood .

And if he complains about the lack of love, it means that your manifestations of this feeling do not coincide with his expectations.

If you tell your child that you work like a horse for him, so that he goes to school and dresses decently, eats well and has a smartphone, he will not feel a surge of your love, but will feel guilty.

Much more than your external efforts, he needs a very tangible sense of his importance. Not this formula: I try so hard for you, I squeeze all my strength out of myself, but you don’t appreciate it.

A child perceives this differently: I gave birth to you, I put my life on you, I have no strength, no health, no rest, and you are ungrateful. It turns out that he is not happiness for you? Did you give birth to him to make your life worse?

All the work, efforts, plowing, earning money are insignificant if it exhausts you so much that you don’t find time during the day to hug your child, praise, tell about your love . He should feel that he makes you happy simply by the very fact of his existence.

Extremely difficult relationships

A much more complex and problematic question is how to love your husband’s child from his first marriage. In this situation, most likely, you will not be the only one on whose side you should make attempts to “make friends.” If the other party, that is, the baby, does not want to accept you, the matter will not be successful.

Children are people too, each of them has their own character, and they can be very categorical. Especially if the situation is so serious and the child had to be left without a mother for one reason or another. All you can do personally is make love for your child the default feeling and put it on pause. When he himself “ripes” and understands that you are also a part of his life, your feelings will be able to be activated. Until this moment, there is no point in showing excessive and imposed care for the baby; he will take it with hostility.

If you personally are not able to have bright feelings for your husband’s child, and at the same time he does not feel negative towards you, ask yourself, why are you with this man? After all, if you choose him, you must accept him with the “baggage” that he already has. Otherwise, what keeps you close may not be love, but something else.

If you still have feelings for a man, try to figure out what exactly irritates you about your baby. Not everything is always so critical; sometimes, you just have to extend your hands to each other, and the situation resolves itself.

Signs of maternal dislike for her daughter

It is simply impossible not to notice the lack of love between a mother and her daughter. This can be seen in behavior, attitude towards the child and even conversation with him. While hostility can be disguised for others, the girl herself constantly feels negativity from her parent.

The following signs when a mother does not love her adult daughter are most common.

Mother is not involved in upbringing

Parenting is an important and responsible matter in which both parents must take part. If a mother dislikes her child, then taking care of him becomes a difficult task for her.

Therefore, the woman does not want to participate in her daughter’s life, is not interested in her affairs at school or at work, or in her personal life. You shouldn’t expect advice from such a mother on this or that issue.

When communicating with your daughter, a negative range of emotions predominates

A clear sign that the mother does not love her daughter is when communication with the child brings the woman only negative emotions. Therefore, she tries to refrain from talking and does not ask how her day was. It becomes impossible to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mother.

Also, in communication, unloved daughters often hear only reproaches. Instead of affectionate words - sheer negativity: “lazy person”, “armless”, “mediocre” and so on. The mother does not notice the child’s merits and talents, she only notes his shortcomings.

Pays more attention to another child and puts emphasis on this

If there are several children in a family, you may notice that the mother pays more attention to the other child. She spends all her free time with him, constantly communicates, and takes an active part in his upbringing. The unloved daughter is deprived of all this.

Also, the mother always singles out her favorite, talks about his merits, about reverent feelings for him. While he doesn’t value his daughter at all, he speaks badly about her. Constantly compares his children, but everything positive goes only to his beloved child.

Uneven treatment from a parent has a negative impact on the daughter. Possible consequences include:

decreased self-esteem;
the habit of being critical of oneself;
the emergence of confidence in one’s own uselessness and unlovability;
developing a tendency towards inappropriate behavior to attract the attention of parents;
development of a depressive state.

Due to constant comparison, the relationship not only with the mother, but also with brothers/sisters deteriorates. When a daughter grows up and leaves her father's house, the relationship almost always remains the same.

Talks about his dislike for his daughter

The mother is able to speak directly about her negative attitude towards her daughter. At the same time, a woman can often be more restrained in front of others, be hypocritical, and demonstrate love. Typically, this behavior is observed in situations where the daughter has talents and grows into an outstanding personality.

This sign, indicating that the mother does not love her daughter, is often found in families where the parent is trying to use the child as a way to achieve material well-being, success, and recognition in society. Therefore, in front of others, she plays the role of a caring mother who helps in everything, and at home she turns into an overseer, constantly demanding the impossible for her personal goals.

Summarize

There is no clear answer to the question of how to love a child. Every mother understands within herself that this is necessary, but sometimes she simply doesn’t have the strength, knowledge, patience and desire to do everything right. Therefore, there is one single effective truth that will allow everything to improve in any family, in any situation, in any scenario. What is its essence?

Children are our mirror. Even if they are adopted, even if they are the child of a husband who lives with you under the same roof. If something irritates you about your baby, then most likely this trait is inherent in you.

Children are incredibly sensual creatures, they always understand what is on the minds of adults, they always feel their thoughts and impulses. Therefore, if a child has a negative attitude towards you, he will look for weak points simply on a subconscious level and put pressure on them, and he will succeed. Therefore, be aware of this and do not fall for provocation. After this, the situation will immediately become easier, you will look at it differently, and a new stage in your relationship with your child will begin.

It is also extremely important to remember that if dislike comes primarily from you, then with it you will feed the child’s hatred, and only negative qualities will begin to develop in him in one direction or another. This will destroy his personality, make him either a villain or a loser, and as a result, break your family. Therefore, try with all your might to make your baby happy and loved, surround him with care and affection, and soon he will answer you in kind.

Self-acceptance: how and why to do it?

So, in the minds of every person there are ideas about what the life around us should be like. What it should be like. What could make him happy (and often this is not the same thing as what will actually make him happy).

A formulated desire is rarely a pure expression of an internal need; rather, it is a kind of image constructed in the mind, including our ideas about happiness.

For example, that single woman, if you ask her what she wants, may answer something like: “I want to marry a worthy man!” And then add: only there are no completely normal men left... But in fact, perhaps she wants:

live your own independent and free life;
so that her mother is happy with her. And mom will be happy (we remember) if she gets married.

People are social creatures, and therefore it is important for us to conform to some external norm. We all tend to compare ourselves with others, with those who are considered successful, with moral standards

Deviation from social norms makes you feel not good enough.

Inconsistency with the ideal self can also make a person unhappy. It seems that this should make a person strive to become “better” and develop in order to finally achieve a satisfactory state? But this is where difficulties arise.

Firstly, the formation of ideas about reality, happiness, bad and good occurs mostly in childhood, when critical thinking has not yet been formed and there is no experience that would allow one to understand how suitable these ideas are for a particular person.

Therefore, in an effort to live up to the ideal image of oneself, a person often ignores his real needs. And without realizing it, he begins to sabotage socially approved actions to “improve himself.”

For example, as in our story, you can set yourself a goal to get married (and there are also options: get married, earn a lot of money, study only excellently), which does not correspond to the true need. You can even start taking active steps to achieve your goal.

In the case of marriage, this will include attending various femininity trainings, hanging out on dating sites, and endlessly manipulating one’s appearance. But all candidates will be assessed as unsuitable. Of all the men, those who themselves are afraid of close relationships will be unconsciously selected. So you can justify yourself to the voice of your mother inside yourself (I do everything I can), and preserve your freedom.

Secondly, the created ideal image may in fact be unattainable, because moral standards, for example, are always maximalist. In reality, it is impossible to always be absolutely honest, exceptionally kind, and it is not necessary, if you look at it from a practical point of view.

What happens when a person discovers his inconsistency with the image of “I, as I should be”? He builds another image of “I, as I am now,” calibrating it relative to the Ideal Self. And it turns out that the image of “I, as I am now” is bad, unsuitable, because it does not correspond.

In addition, people, discovering that they do not meet internal standards, often treat themselves in the same way as their parents treated them when their children did not meet their requirements: they begin to scold themselves.

Instead of taking any actions that could really change something, they occupy their minds with thoughts like “how can you be such an idiot/stupid!”, “You are completely incapable of anything!” Or, as in our example, “you will remain alone, no one needs you!”

What to do about it?

First, you should revise your ideas about yourself, your desires, and plans for the future.

What do I really know about myself?
Are all my ideas correct?
Do I really need to change in the direction that I think is right?
Whose desires do I want to realize?

Self-acceptance is allowing yourself to be honest about your true desires. For example, the fact that loneliness or a useless hobby gives us great pleasure.

Well, the second, and in fact, perhaps the first, is the notorious “here-and-now.”

This means that you should stop and listen to your feelings. How am I feeling? Right now, during this period of time? What do I like and dislike in my real life?

Sometimes it’s worth giving up rational assessments and switching to sensations. Or maybe, at least for a while, stop trying to change yourself and start living as you are.

As Arnold Beisser's Paradoxical Theory of Change states, change is only possible when a person becomes who he really is and becomes able to be involved in the present.

The child faces an unenviable fate

Where does the fear arise that the fate of a child without constant supervision will necessarily be bad? The causes of fear are usually the same for all parents. If there is a girl in the family, then early pregnancy, drugs and prostitution await her. The boy will definitely get involved in crime, start fighting constantly and also take drugs.

In such a situation, the question arises whether control will help avoid similar fates. It is impossible to answer it unequivocally. In some situations this saves, but in others, on the contrary, it pushes everything bad. It’s not for nothing that they say that the forbidden fruit is sweet.

Preschooler

According to doctors, the developmental delay in children from orphanages is associated with a lack of communication and the resulting anxiety. The experience of rejection undermines the child’s trust in the world and self-confidence, which lies at the heart of the instinct for cognition. Children are fearful, not inquisitive, and inert. But as soon as a child gets to loving parents, his development accelerates. The task of mothers and fathers is to raise self-esteem and give unconditional, selfless, respectful love. If the child himself reaches out to you, then it is easier to love in return. In the fifth year of life, the baby is already able to feel real affection. But he still needs security and confidence that his mother will not go anywhere.

What to do?

Rather, realize that in your life experience there is a place for such a difficult situation, which greatly traumatizes you and helps your personality develop in the wrong direction. Next, it’s time to say goodbye to the hope that your relationship with your mother will ever change, and she will learn to love you exactly the way you’ve dreamed all your life. Look for love within yourself - try to look at yourself through the eyes of a loving mother and imagine what you could be like in that case. Introduced? This is you. Psychologists advise raising your mother within yourself and, in cases of support, turning to her for approval or support.

You shouldn’t live with childhood traumas all your life – this is the other extreme. Don’t waste all your energy complaining and attribute your failures to your parents’ mistakes.

It is very easy to live life in the image of “my mother didn’t love me,” so the most important thing is to stop in time and finish all these processes. After all, when we were children, we had no choice in principle

And now only you decide whether to leave the trauma as an experience or allow the grievances to continue to shape your personality. Be above the past and imagine that mom speaks a completely different love language. And all her grumbling, soups and eternal washing of dishes is the “vocabulary” with which she is trying to tell you: “I love you, daughter.”